Don's Angry Girlfriend How Not To Live Your Life


Don's Angry Girlfriend

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This programme contains some strong language.

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This programme contains some scenes of a sexual nature.

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It's been a while since I've been on a date.

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It's all about first impressions.

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Oh, hey! Sorry I'm late.

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Stop it, stop it.

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Sorry I'm late,

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but the Nobel Peace Prize ceremony ran over.

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Hey!

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Sorry I'm late.

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Sleep.

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Hey! Sorry I'm late.

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I'm on a government mission.

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Oh, hey! Sorry I'm late.

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My name's Don.

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But some people call me...

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Transporter-tron.

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-Are you still waiting for your date, madam?

-Yes.

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Well, wait no longer...

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Sorry I'm late.

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So, shall we order some wine?

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I guess I'll just have to rely on my charm and wit. Sorry I'm late.

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-By an hour.

-Really?

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Oh, my God! What are you doing?

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Jesus, sorry, sorry! Ow!

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Impressive, eh?

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-Ready to order, Madam?

-Er, yeah, I'll have the salad to start and then the risotto.

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-Excellent choice.

-Excellent choice?

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Why do waiters say that? As if they'd ever say...

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That has got to be the most pathetic order I've ever heard!

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I mean really, you should be ashamed of yourself!

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And for you, sir?

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Er... not sure, er...

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I'm rubbish at making decisions under pressure.

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-Come on, Don.

-Salad to start and then the risotto?

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-To drink?

-No, I'll eat it.

-Very good, sir.

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I meant, what would you like to drink?

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Oh, er, we'll have whatever that wine was.

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Marvellous.

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-Marvellous? Why was it marvellous? Oh, well that was annoying.

-Really?

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-Why?

-Well, he just stood there, pressuring me into ordering quickly.

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Couldn't just go off and come back.

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-I mean, I don't even like risotto.

-Excuse me!

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Oh, no, I don't want to cause a fuss.

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-It's no fuss.

-Madam?

-Yeah, we'd like to change his order.

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I'm afraid I've already put the order through.

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Yeah, but like two seconds ago.

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-Yes, but...

-I don't fucking believe this!

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First you pressure him into ordering something he doesn't even want...

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-He didn't.

-And then you can't do a simple thing like change the fucking order!

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OK, madam. OK. I'll see to it the order gets changed.

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What would you like instead, sir?

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-Er...

-Don?

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-Tiramisu?

-For your main course?

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-Yes?

-Yes!

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OK. Whatever you want sir, yeah?

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There you go, you see? No fuss.

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I hate tiramisu.

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-Especially for mains.

-Excuse me!

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No, no, no!

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-Cock a doodle-do, Don.

-Where's my breakfast?

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Well, it's midday, I assumed you didn't want any...

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Never mind. I'll make my own breakfast.

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You're getting slack, Eddie Singh.

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Slack.

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Ice cream for breakfast?

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No. Brunch, actually. Brunch.

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Breakfast and lunch, brunch.

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I wonder why they never invented one for late lunch-early dinner?

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Dunch!

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Would you like to go for dunch with me tonight?

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Yeah, all right. What time?

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I'm not talking to you, Gollum.

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Jesus! I was just test driving my new word, dunch.

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How was your date last night Don?

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Yeah, it was interesting, yeah. I like her, she's cute.

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But I think she might have issues.

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Of course she does, she's dating you.

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Yeah? Come on!

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Oi! Take that back.

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Take back that high five!

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Go on!

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That's it there, yeah, yeah.

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-Thank you. Jeesh!

-Sorry, Don.

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MOBILE BEEPS

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It's Jenny.

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She wants to know if I want to go out again.

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You should've seen her last night, she got really angry with the waiter.

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-She was probably having a bad day. Stuff that she hadn't told you about.

-No it wasn't just the meal.

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there were other incidents.

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Well, be a gentleman and open the door, Don!

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Jesus Christ!

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Getting a good look, are you?

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Can't you see I'm with someone?

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Prick!

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Stupid phone! Come on!

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Predictive text is so annoying!

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-Oh, for fuck's sake!

-What?

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Oh, nothing, it's just something I remembered.

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Maybe she's premenstrual?

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-What? You think she's a minstrel?

-Ouch, ouch.

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What's wrong, Eddie?

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Oh, Don's bought these new leather shoes.

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I'm just wearing them in for him.

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Seriously Eddie, whatever he is paying you, it's not enough.

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-What?

-Well, Don doesn't pay me!

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No, no, I work for Dorothy.

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I just do things for Don from time to time, because we're friends.

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And, well, I enjoy it. Right, Don?

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That's right, Eddie.

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Now finish the ironing cos I want you to run me a bath.

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Abso-lulu!

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Are you telling me that he comes over here every day

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-and does a load of stuff for you, absolutely free of charge?

-Yeah!

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Wait a minute, I thought you knew.

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Eddie, you know you don't have to do that, right?

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-Hey! What do you think you're playing at, sister?

-You can't treat him like that?

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Treat him like what? He loves it. He's like a dog.

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Well, a dog that does house work.

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Imagine that, like a dog doing the dishes.

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Eddie...

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-Friends do not treat each other like slaves.

-Uh-huh. Yeah.

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He doesn't appreciate any of this.

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Yes, he does. Don't you, Don?

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Eddie. Bath. Now.

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-Don?

-What?

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Well, you appreciate what I do for you, don't you?

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I don't appreciate you standing here instead of running me a warm, lovely, soapy, bubbly bath.

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What are you doing?

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-Eddie!

-You can wear them in yourself.

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But we're friends, remember?

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No, Don. Friends appreciate it when you cook for them.

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And bake, and clean, and iron and wash up and do carpentry...

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-But Eddie...

-And cut your hair, massage your prostate,

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and clip your toenails, and check your testicles for lumps...

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Oh, you wait, soon you'll realise just how much you rely on him.

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Me? No. I'll be fine.

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You on the other hand, are nothing without that man.

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Er, I can cope without him, you know!

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Does anyone know how to run a bath?

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I decided to go on another date with Jenny. It was nice.

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She was far more relaxed and fun.

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-Well, until this. Do you wanna go to my local?

-Sure.

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-Excuse me? Do you know if there's a taxi rank around here?

-Yeah, it's over there.

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-Cheers.

-Thanks.

-Ow!

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-What was that about?

-What?

-Flirting with those sluts.

-I wasn't!

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I will not stand for that, Don.

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All right! My nipple, please! Ow!

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I was starting to get scared. I mean, the slightest thing made her angry.

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I took her to my local. Brian and Sam were there.

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I can't believe I'm saying this, but I was actually really pleased to see them.

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Guys, guys! So nice to see you.

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-Really?

-Yeah, you don't mind if we join you, do you?

-A little bit.

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Great, great, great. Jenny.

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This is Brian and Sam. They're not father and daughter, by the way.

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They're having sex. Not now... I hope.

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Hi Jenny, nice to meet you.

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-You too. Er, Don?

-What?

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-What are you doing?

-Nothing.

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You're so funny. Um, do you want a beer?

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Yes.

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So what d'you think of Jenny?

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-Yeah, she seems nice.

-I know, totally nuts, isn't she?

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Er, she seemed normal to me. What?

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Come on Bri, you teach psychology!

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Surely you can see she's half price?

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Look, look!

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-What now?

-Just look!

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What are we supposed to be looking at?

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Brian. Samantha.

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Does the university know about this cosy little get-together?

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Derek.

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Honestly Samantha, what do you see in him exactly?

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If it's knowledge that attracts you, why not swing by my classroom sometime?

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-I'd love to give you a detention!

-Er, no, thanks.

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Anyway Brian, will we be seeing you at the next interrogation ecrite de pub?

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Oh, you can count on it, Derek.

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Excellent. I look forward to crushing you. As always.

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I think you'll find we're evens.

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It's seven-six to moi.

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Seven-seven.

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-Seven-six.

-Seven-seven.

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-Seven-six!

-OK, whatever. Seven-six.

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If you ever get bored of his tiresome psychology lessons,

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then just swing on past the biology block. Biology.

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Who the hell was that?

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Derek Frown.

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He's a teacher at university.

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-Why's he got such a problem with us seeing each other?

-He's an idiot.

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He's always had a problem with me. We fight it out every week.

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Wow! What, like bare-knuckle punching in the face, and stuff?

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No. In the pub quiz.

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-Oh. Slightly disappointing.

-It's become something of a ritual.

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Actually, can I join you? I'd love to stick one on him!

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Of course you can. Hey Don, do you wanna join the team?

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Erm, we need people who know things.

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Hey! I know things.

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Yeah. If there's a round on the films of Kevin Costner,

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-we'll be sure to text you.

-I know other things.

-Like?

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The films of Michael Douglas?

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Hey, it's good to have someone on the team

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-who's great with popular culture.

-See? Don't listen to her, Bri.

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She thinks I'm thick.

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No. I just don't think you're an intellectual person, that's all.

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How could you be so 'eveal' and 'spitefuel'?

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Come on, then. When was the last time you read a book, and what was it?

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Er... Wind in the Willows.

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Have you read a book in the last 20 years?

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I just said Wind in the Willows, yeah? I read it last week.

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Well, I say "I" read it.

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Eddie read it for me, aloud.

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"Then you don't promise," said Badger,

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"never to touch a motor car again."

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"Certainly not," replied Toad emphatically.

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"On the contrary, I promise the very first motor car I see, poop, poop!

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"Off I go in it". "Told you so, didn't I?"...

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Seriously Eddie - not now, yeah?

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Sorry.

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Owwww!

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Right, carry on.

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"Very well then," said Badger firmly, rising to his feet.

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Ah, that silly green toad.

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Dressing up as a washerwoman!

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You should try reading this.

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I would love to, Bri. Only thanks to Sam and her evilness, I don't have Eddie to read me things any more.

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-Well, you could try reading it yourself?

-Reading it myself, you say?

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That might just work!

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It's the Dalai Lama's autobiography. It's a good little toilet read.

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-Wow, thanks(!)

-There you go. Not the face!

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It was so frustrating - no-one else seemed to notice how mad Jenny was.

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Make me a coffee?

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-Yeah, good one.

-Coffee!

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Yes, my sweet princess.

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Eddie? I need you to make...

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me a coffee.

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'I didn't need Eddie. I'm a grown man.

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'I can make a hot drink.'

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Right. What goes in coffee again?

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Yes. Coffee.

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And?

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Hot water!

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What's taking so long?!

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Hurry up kettle, come on.

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I was starting to get cross.

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No need. Look, I even made you some muffins!

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Aw, thanks Don, that's so sweet.

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Well...

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CRUNCH!

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What was that?

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Did you...leave your watch on the floor?

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-Morning, Boss.

-And what's your excuse this time?

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My girlfriend beat me up.

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I don't believe this. You've come out with some corkers before, but that's priceless!

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I'm not making this up. She's mental in the face.

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I'm so scared!

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-Hold me! I'm so cold.

-Right.

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You expect me to believe you're being harassed by a psychotic woman?

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It can happen! You've seen Fatal Attraction, right?

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-No.

-Disclosure?

-No.

-Basic Instinct?

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Everyone saw that, just to get a glimpse of Stone's ning-ning.

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-What's your point, Don?

-Er, that Michael Douglas has made some bloody good films?

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Oh, come on, you've seen Romancing the Stone? That's a gem!

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Ha, gem!

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Get it? Stone. Gem!

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Come on, who's with me?

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CRUNCHING

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So how'd you get on with that book I lent you, Don?

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It was annoying, Bri.

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It was all a bit "me, me, me", to be honest.

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It's an autobiography.

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You are swotting up, though, aren't you? We do want to win this quiz.

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It's all in there, blondie.

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Ah, well, you don't mind if I test you, then?

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-Shoot.

-OK. Er...

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who built The Eiffel Tower?

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What, it was one bloke? Jesus, he must've been knackered!

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-Well, you did say "built".

-OK.

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What's The Queen's first name?

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"The"?

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Oh, God. We are screwed.

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It's Elizabeth, you moron!

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Of course it is, yes!

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Yes, Elizabeth Queen.

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DOOR CLOSES

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Eddie! You're back!

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I knew you wouldn't leave me.

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Eddie?

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I'm only here to check in on Dorothy. I shan't be staying long.

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Now, I've brought your week's supply of Valium, Dot.

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But you're going to have to promise me that you're not going to down them all with gin again.

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I can't promise a thing.

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Eddie...!

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Eddie, I miss you.

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I need you!

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I want you back in my life.

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Not until I know that you appreciate what I do around here.

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Of course I appreciate it. Just look at the place! Look!

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Mmm, cleaning!

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You see? And upstairs is even worse!

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Are you telling me you wouldn't love to get on your knees and scrub that?

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Mmmm mmm.

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Must...

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Resist... Temptation.

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Let's check out my room.

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Holy macaroni!

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You see? The place is falling apart!

0:17:080:17:11

Don? Has someone hurt you?

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No, I must restrain myself.

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It was Jenny. I told you, she's nuts in the mind! But no-one will believe me.

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-Why don't you just end it?

-Don't you think I've already thought of that?

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She would roundhouse me in the prick if I tried breaking up with her.

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-It's just a shame she doesn't want to end it with you, then.

-Bon Jovi, Eddie! You're a genius!

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'Eddie was spot on. I just had to make her to dump me. Simple, right?

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'But I had to do it in a public place.

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'Somewhere where she wouldn't be able to go crazy.'

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So why are we in a library, Don?

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Oh, I want Brian and Sam to see I like reading.

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Are you gonna read all those books?

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God, no! Just carry them round.

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Make them think I like reading.

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'Of course I wasn't there for the books.

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'I took her there because it's the perfect place to dump a nutter.' Jenny.

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I've got something to tell you.

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Something that might make you not wanna be with me any more.

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-What do you mean?

-Remember we're in a library and there are rules.

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So when I tell you, respect those library rules, yeah?

0:18:100:18:12

-Don, what are you going on about?

-'I made up a brilliant lie.'

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-I slept with another woman.

-WHAT?!

0:18:160:18:19

Ssshh. We're in a library, remember?

0:18:190:18:21

You put your prick in a slut?

0:18:210:18:22

-Well, I'm not sure she was a slut per se, but yes. Ow!

-Shhh!

-Sorry.

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-I don't believe what I'm hearing!

-Ow! Jesus!

-Shhh!

-Sorry!

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This must mean you wanna break up with me, yeah?

0:18:310:18:33

Break up with you? (You're so fucking childish!)

0:18:330:18:36

-Ow!

-Ssshh!

0:18:360:18:38

I'm not gonna throw the towel in because of some stupid mistake!

0:18:380:18:41

Wow, that's very understanding of you.

0:18:410:18:44

Yeah, well I'm a very understanding person!

0:18:440:18:45

-Ow!

-Sssh!

0:18:450:18:48

Oh, fuck off!

0:18:480:18:50

But that doesn't mean I'm not angry with you, Don.

0:18:500:18:52

In fact, I'm fucking furious!

0:18:520:18:56

-Hands.

-What?

0:18:560:18:57

Hands.

0:18:570:18:59

Ahh!

0:19:000:19:03

Right. Maybe that'll teach you not to put your penis inside another woman's vagine.

0:19:050:19:09

It has. I promise you it has.

0:19:090:19:13

Right, do you still wanna get some lunch? Wagamama's, or...?

0:19:130:19:16

-Yeah...

-OK.

0:19:160:19:18

God, I hate books. I hate you all.

0:19:220:19:25

'Tonight's the all-important pub quiz.

0:19:250:19:28

'Personally, I thought Sam and Brian were taking this silly little game way too seriously.'

0:19:280:19:34

Eddie?

0:19:360:19:37

I'm not late, am I, Brian?

0:19:390:19:41

Course not. Hasn't even started yet.

0:19:410:19:42

Why didn't you tell me you live with a genius?

0:19:420:19:45

What do you mean?

0:19:450:19:46

-Oh. What's this like?

-Yeah, pretty good. You can borrow...

0:19:500:19:55

-..it if you like.

-Wow, great twist at the end.

0:20:020:20:07

Thanks.

0:20:070:20:09

Are you sure you wouldn't rather be on the winner's table, my sweet?

0:20:120:20:15

I am on the winner's table.

0:20:150:20:17

I wouldn't get so cocky, Derek. You might live to regret it.

0:20:170:20:22

Ooh, would you like to make the quiz a little bit more interesting?

0:20:220:20:24

-Is that possible?

-I suggest the winner goes home with the princess?

0:20:240:20:28

You're not coming home with me.

0:20:280:20:30

I'm referring to Samantha.

0:20:300:20:32

God, I feel sick.

0:20:320:20:33

And how do I benefit from that?

0:20:330:20:36

I go home with her anyway.

0:20:360:20:37

-Er, Brian?

-Yeah, me too.

0:20:370:20:39

-What?

-Er... you know?

0:20:390:20:41

In a platonic flat-sharing capacity.

0:20:410:20:44

No, Derek. We do not accept.

0:20:440:20:45

Now run along to your little hobbits. And hey!

0:20:450:20:48

Maybe we'll buy you a commiserative drink when we've whipped your arses.

0:20:480:20:52

HE LAUGHS

0:20:520:20:54

I'll destroy you all.

0:20:540:20:56

Oh, God! I want to win this more than ever.

0:20:560:20:59

Yeah, me too. I hate losing.

0:20:590:21:01

-That's the spirit!

-OK, ladies and gents.

0:21:010:21:03

Let the quiz commence. Round one. General knowledge. First question.

0:21:030:21:08

'And so we all got stuck in. Pulled together and really worked as a team.'

0:21:080:21:13

-Henry VIII.

-1066.

-Eva Braun.

0:21:160:21:20

-Dunno.

-It's Copenhagen. Definitely.

0:21:200:21:23

Easy - Friedrich Nietzsche.

0:21:230:21:24

Oh, oh, oh. Brokeback Mountain.

0:21:240:21:27

-I've seen it seven times.

-Dunno.

0:21:270:21:30

RZA, GZA, Method Man, Raekwon, Ghostface Killah, Inspectah Deck,

0:21:300:21:36

U-God, Masta Killa and the late, great Ol' Dirty Bastard.

0:21:360:21:41

-Little Red Riding Hood.

-It's Spanish for "How are you?"

0:21:410:21:45

I know!

0:21:450:21:47

I'll get a round of drinks, yeah?

0:21:470:21:49

Right then, ladies and gents. The final live round between our two top teams. The Biology Busters...

0:21:510:21:56

Hooray!

0:21:560:21:57

Versus Team Analysis.

0:21:570:22:00

Right, they're only one point ahead.

0:22:000:22:02

We need to win this round!

0:22:020:22:03

Select a member from your team to answer one of these specialist subjects. Team Analysis go first.

0:22:030:22:09

My subjects are...

0:22:090:22:11

Pop music from the 1950s.

0:22:110:22:13

-Damn, that's not my field.

-What you talking about?

0:22:130:22:15

-You grew up in the '50s, didn't you?

-Or the films of Kevin Costner.

0:22:150:22:18

-Yes, yes! Don, this is yours. Go on!

-Which would you like to answer?

0:22:180:22:23

We'll have the films of Kevin Costner, please.

0:22:230:22:25

And we nominate Don. Right matey, it's all yours. Don't let us down. Hey?

0:22:250:22:29

-Or else!

-'But then it struck me.

0:22:290:22:32

'This was my chance to prove to everyone what a mentalist Jenny is.'

0:22:320:22:36

Question one. In which film does Costner star as baseball legend Crash Davies?

0:22:360:22:43

'I'm so sorry, Kevin Costner.

0:22:430:22:45

'Don't think I don't love you.'

0:22:450:22:47

Dances With Wolves.

0:22:470:22:49

Dances With Wolves? Isn't that the one where he joins an Indian tribe?

0:22:490:22:53

Yeah. And then teaches them to play baseball.

0:22:530:22:55

The answer is Bull Durham.

0:22:550:22:57

-Ow! Did you see that?

-Question two.

0:22:590:23:02

In 1991 Costner played the part of Jim Garrison,

0:23:020:23:06

a District Attorney trying to prove JFK's killing was a conspiracy.

0:23:060:23:09

What was the name of that film?

0:23:090:23:12

-Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves.

-What?

0:23:120:23:14

-The answer is JFK.

-Oh, god!

0:23:140:23:17

Ow! You must have seen that?!

0:23:170:23:20

Question three.

0:23:200:23:22

In the film The Bodyguard, who plays the singing diva Costner is assigned to protect?

0:23:220:23:27

Easy. Boy George.

0:23:300:23:34

-That's it then. We've lost.

-The answer's Whitney Houston.

0:23:340:23:37

-Ow! Are you all blind?

-Are you deliberately giving wrong answers, Don?

0:23:390:23:43

-Yes!

-What? Why? Because I want you all to see what a freakoid that is!

0:23:430:23:49

-Ow! See?

-Well, you did just call her a freakoid.

0:23:490:23:51

Hang on. Is there something going on between you two?

0:23:510:23:54

-No!

-Is she the slut you slept with?

0:23:540:23:57

-She's not a slut!

-You little prick!

0:23:570:24:01

I've had enough of this!

0:24:030:24:05

Help me, someone!

0:24:160:24:18

# When a man loves a woman

0:24:200:24:23

# Can't keep his mind on nothin' else... #

0:24:240:24:26

Does this mean it's over between us?

0:24:340:24:37

Oh, Jesus!

0:24:400:24:41

Oh, shit!

0:24:480:24:49

Are you all right, Don?

0:24:550:24:57

-As if you care.

-I do.

0:24:570:24:59

I'll dress these wounds. I promise.

0:24:590:25:01

-I thought you were on strike?

-Not any more. I'll prove it!

0:25:010:25:06

-Eddie.

-Yeah?

0:25:220:25:24

I can't believe you did that for me!

0:25:240:25:26

I'm sorry we doubted you. She really was insane in the mind, wasn't she?

0:25:260:25:30

-Yeah, sorry Don.

-That's all right.

0:25:300:25:34

Oh, and I'm sorry I ruined your pub quiz, Brian.

0:25:340:25:37

That's all right, Don. We'll beat Derek next time.

0:25:400:25:43

Eddie. I'll never take you for granted again. I promise.

0:25:430:25:46

I know you won't, Don.

0:25:460:25:49

-Now once you've finished massaging my feet, will you make me a cheesy quiche?

-Oh, surely!

0:25:490:25:53

And then run me a bath?

0:25:530:25:55

And whilst I'm in the bath, I have a pair of underpants that are too small for me, so could you to wear them in?

0:25:550:26:00

And after the bath, could you tuck me into bed?

0:26:000:26:03

Abso-lulu! Ooh, would you like me to read you a bedtime story?

0:26:030:26:06

Get that thing away from me!

0:26:060:26:08

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0:26:270:26:29

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0:26:290:26:31

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