Don's Posh Weekend How Not To Live Your Life

This programme contains some strong language.

This programme contains some scenes of a sexual nature.

Work's been busy. We have a new exhibition by an artist called...

Jonathan Bang-Daniels. Now, Bang-Daniels calls this collection The Anonymous Gathering.

Not very lifelike, if you ask me.

Apparently, Jonathan Bang-Daniels based this one on his own physique,

which must mean he doesn't have genitalia.

Ah, this one here is even less lifelike.

I mean, look at that. Nothing, nothing at all.

Don, I want a word.

-But it does speak, which is a nice touch.

-Excuse us for one second.

I heard you were late again today.

Ah, yeah, but I've got a good excuse.

Right! And what was it this time? Did you have another stroke?

-That wasn't a lie.

-There you are.

I heard you were late again today.

I've had a stroke.

-You were saying?

-All right, maybe that was a lie, but look,

I couldn't help it this morning.

-I was in a terrible car crash, and...

-Excuse me?

My friend and I would like to know what time you finish work.

-Why's that, then?

-Well, Felicity thinks you're cute.

Right. I hope you're not Felicity and speaking in third person.

-Don hates that.

-Excuse me?

Nothing.

You must come along, too.

What?

We'll be in the bar

across the road.

-Ooh! What do you reckon, then?

-No.

What? Come on, we might have a laugh.

But, Don, I don't really like you.

Oh, I know what this is about.

-Yeah, it's cos I don't really like you.

-It's cos we're work colleagues.

I know, I know. You don't me to see you drunk, do you?

No, it's because I don't really like you.

But look, your one's well up for it.

She is quite cute, I guess.

There, you see?

Yeah, it doesn't matter that you and I are totally different.

Maybe that's our thing.

Yeah? We could be like the Lethal Weapon of double dating.

I'm Riggs, by the way. You're Murtaugh.

You know, the black one.

And so, for the first time ever, I was socialising with Jason.

And on the pull, no less.

I mean, to be honest, I don't dig all that post-modern stuff.

Do people still say "post-modern"?

So what sort of artwork do you prefer?

Well, call me old-fashioned, but I like paintings.

Drawings. You know, art.

I was hugely influenced by the Eighties movement.

-Who?

-Well, you know, Harris.

-He means Rolf.

-Hart.

-Tony.

-Buchanan.

-Neil.

Although, technically, Neil Buchanan was early Nineties, huh, Jase?

You're an absolute hoot!

Mm, I am, aren't I?

What is a hoot?

Look, same again? And I may as well get some Samuel Bucas. Yeah?

Yeah? Yeah.

What on earth made you employ him?

He was actually very good in his interview.

He knew a lot about the artists we were exhibiting at the time.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Well, it turns out he'd memorised the flyers while he was waiting to be interviewed.

-Why don't you just fire him?

-Oh, he's nice!

I've tried many, many times, but he has this uncanny ability

to make me change my mind.

-You're firing me?

-Yes.

You can't do that! Don't, please!

Argh!

Don't fire me! I've got leukaemia, and he's firing me! NOOOO!!!

OK, Don, OK, you can keep your job!

Just put your clothes back on.

All right. Thanks, Jase. Is it lunch yet?

Great.

I mean, in a way he's kind of amazing.

Here we go. Drinks and Sammy Bucas for you, right?

What we talking about, then?

-Er, Rembrandt.

-Who?

My one's up for coming back with me.

-Congratulations, Don.

-Ah, you say that, but posh girls can be prudish.

I mean, I don't want to spend all night in bed with her and not actually do anything.

-Leaves a man with sad, aching balls.

-What a poetic image.

This has been fun, right?

Yeah, it's been the best night of my life, Don.

Aww! I'll catch you later, Murtaugh.

And so I took Felicity back to my place.

I'd never had someone this posh in my bedroom before.

Look, it's difficult for guys to have lots of foreplay

without actually, well, you know?

And you seem like a very respectable lady, so I'm not going to start...

-Shut up.

-Oh! Oh!

Huh?

Holy Costner! No-one's ever done that before!

This is pretty wild.

Candle wax on the nipples? That's nothing.

Er, I'm not going to light it.

-Who's your daddy?

-I told you, I'm an orphan.

-I said, who's your daddy?

-You are?

This feels a bit weird.

"This feels a bit weird, Uncle Peter."

I'm not sure what I get out of this.

Morning, kids. Oh, and you, Brian.

Top o' the morning, Donald.

It's funny, isn't it?

Love happens when you least expect it.

You're in love? With who?

Her name's Felicity. I think.

Yeah, yeah, it's Felicity.

How exciting. What makes you think it's love?

Well, A, the sex is amazing.

-Is there a B?

-No.

Well, you seem really happy, Don. That's wonderful.

I'm telling you, Bri, she is filthy.

I mean really, really dirty.

Oh, that's great.

-Oh, man, she's my ticket out of this dump.

-What are you talking about?

Well, she's like royal, or something.

Oh! Hello.

Everyone, this is Felicity.

-My friends call me Flick.

-Why?

It's, er, short for Felicity, I guess.

Would you like me to run you a bath, Flick?

Don's been telling me how filthy you are.

-I never said that.

-Yeah!

Yes, you did, just now. You said she was really, really dirty.

Right! Well, I'd better get going.

Yeah, I'll see you out.

You were amazing last night! You fancy doing "that" again later?

I can't. I'm off to Mummy and Daddy's for the weekend.

Oh, my God, you should come with!

Harriet's joining us. It's lovely down there.

We can canter on the fillies, shoot game, get sozzled on Daddy's plonk.

Yeah, sorry, er, my posh isn't great. What?

Just say, "Yes, Flick, that would be lovely."

Yes, Flick, that would be lovely.

I adore how subservient you are.

Oh, thanks.

What does sub-Serbian mean?

Punching above your weight, aren't you?

-What you talking about, Gollum?

-That posh slut.

What's she see in you?

Well, clearly she sees a cool and sophisticated guy.

THEY GIGGLE

-Bite me. All of you.

-Aw, Don!

Her parents' house was huge.

It was like something out of a Keira Knightley novel.

The girls invited Jason along, too.

Just think, Murtaugh, one day this could all be mine.

HE SCOFFS

What?

-You're punching above your weight, Don.

-Why do people keep saying that?

-Because you are.

-Oh, and you think you're a part of the furniture, do you?

Don, I deal with these people all the time.

You see, a lot of posh types buy art, you know?

Jase, I'm a social chameleon.

Once I've finished with this lot, they'll think I'm Lord Donald of Danbury.

Right, well, we'll see.

Chaps, what are doing? Chop-chop!

Wellington, will you show Jason and Harriet to their room?

Of course, m'lady.

Wow, you've got a butler!

-Mm!

-There she is, my little princess!

-Daddy!

-Her dad was immense.

And immensely posh. He made me feel like an oik.

Harrison Ashton Lard, of the Hampshire Ashton Lards.

Maybe they were right.

Maybe I was punching above my weight. I mean, what must he see?

Big Issue? Big issue, sir?

All right guv'nor!

Apples and pears! Is that Prince William?

I've just parked me van on the lawn, innit?

So don't be getting anyone to move it, right? Cos I'd be well vexed.

All right?

Still the kettle on, will you, love?

Right, I'm going to unpack.

I'll leave you boys to get to know each other.

OK, poppet.

I don't like you.

-But you don't know me.

-I don't wish to.

-Oh. Er...

-Felicity's my only child.

My only daughter. You were aware of that?

Well, you must be very proud, m'lord?

You know that she's still a virgin?

Does that surprise you?!

A little bit, yeah.

-I want it to stay that way, you hear?

-What?

You keep it that way, you hear?

-I can't hear you.

-Oh. Sex is for the weak-minded.

It's disgusting. It's overrated.

You don't like sex?

-Why do you think I only have one child?

-Don't know. Are you Chinese?

Did Daddy give you a talking-to?

God, yeah. He's frightening, isn't he?

What, Puss Puss? No, he's a softy underneath it all.

-Puss Puss?

-When I was a girl, I used to call him Puss Puss.

-He reminded me of the family pet, you see?

-What did you have, a lion?

Yah.

Did Daddy tell you?

Sadly, we had to put him to sleep.

He chewed the maid's face off. Poor old Puss Puss.

Poor old Puss Puss? What about the maid?

Oh, Maria's fine. She's still with us.

-What you doing?

-What are you doing, more like?

I'm having a poo, Don. Do you mind?

Sorry, sweetie! Adjacent bathroom, Donald.

Knock before you enter, there's a good chap.

Er, what's that for?

It's to stimulate the vagina.

-Yeah, I know that.

-Or sphincter. I might want to use it later.

Although not on me!

Right, I think Puss Puss has fun planned for us today.

-You up for outdoor larks?

-Yeah! Yeah, outdoor larks sound great!

Here we go. Here it comes!

-Super!

-Whoa, hang on, hang on!

Sorry.

Show us the way, Jason.

Superb!

The day hadn't gone great,

and I really wasn't scoring any points with Felicity's dad.

Don't worry, Wellington's arm will be fine. It was only a flesh wound.

I've never shot someone before.

You are getting changed into something nice, aren't you?

You'll be meeting the rest of the family at din-dins.

Yeah, course. I knew the sort of place I was coming to.

It's my grandad's. Nice, eh?

Let's get going.

I was introduced to everyone else at dinner.

Felicity's mother was literally the poshest woman I'd ever met.

Do you think we should get Wellington put down?

He's not as useful with one arm.

But at least she wasn't as crazy as the dad.

The best thing about being in the Army is you can take a man's life and it isn't against the law.

And then there was Auntie Hortensia.

Well, she didn't speak at all, so it's hard to tell what she's like.

-You all right?

-No, it's no use.

She's been in a state of shock ever since her boys were killed.

Oh, sorry.

-(How did they die?)

-Car crash.

-Oh.

Mm, that's a French Malbec?

I'm impressed. You know your wines.

No, no, not really.

Danbury, how's yours?

Oh, yeah. Mm.

Mm. Shit, that's good.

But can you guess what it is?

Oh, er... Well, it's, er, wine, right?

Philistine. Now, where's Maria with the bloody food?

BELL RINGS

Dude, can you stop sucking up to the dad, please? I need him to like me.

What? I'm not sucking up.

-Stop whispering!

-Yes, m'lord. Sorry, m'lord.

-Caviar, sir?

-Ah, yes. Holy fuck!

Donald, this is Maria, the housemaid I told you about.

You have a kind face.

And you have a lovely...mask.

Jason, tell me, you see a lot of black chaps on the rugby pitch

but very few dark faces in the stands. Why is that?

Er, I'm more of a cricket man.

Jolly good. Do you play at all?

Maybe we could knock a ball around tomorrow, post meridiem?

I don't like it.

That tastes like gas.

I mean, it's, mm, yummy.

Yummy gas.

It was so frustrating. I didn't seem to be able to do anything right.

Meanwhile, Jason was Mr Perfect.

# But mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun. #

Absolutely wonderful, Jason.

Oh, no, it was all the piano's doing. I just touched the keys.

I thought feigning interest in the old freaky aunt might show them all I was a nice guy.

-You all right, love?

-Get your treacherous hands off her!

I was just seeing if she's OK. It must be really tough for her, losing her boys like that.

How old were they?

-Six, eight and 12.

-Oh, man.

-That's awful.

-Graham was the youngest. Then Bilbo.

Then Peanuts.

HE SNORTS

Sorry. Sorry.

It's just, you know, where I'm from you wouldn't call a child Peanuts.

Peanuts was a corgi.

A corgi?

You mean her boys were dogs?

-Yah.

-Oh, right!

Well, what's all the fuss about?

Just get yourself some new ones, love.

And there was me thinking she'd named her son Peanuts.

Still, actually, Graham's a weird name for a dog, isn't it?

SHE SOBS

No, no, no, that's a good thing, it means she's in there somewhere, not a total cabbage.

Your family hate me.

Of course they do, Donald.

You're common. But that's exactly why I like you.

-Really?

-Yah, you're exciting.

-Thanks.

-Naughty.

-Well, I try.

-Stupid.

Yep. What?

Now, are we going to screw each other senseless, or am I going to have to get Wellington up here?

-What does that mean, exactly?

-Catch.

Oh, look, I don't think we should get up to any hanky panky while we're here.

-What if your dad hears us?

-His room's on the other side of the building.

Yeah, but what if we're loud? I mean, some of the things you do to me really make me yelp.

Yelp?

Whatever the manly version of yelping is.

Don't worry, I've got just the thing.

No, Penelope, I do not know what the collective noun for pigeons is.

Pigeons?

Pigeonies?

You look so cute.

Cute? I look like I've borrowed Marilyn Manson's underwear.

Why can't we just do it in our nude suits?

That's so boring. I like to dress up.

Don't tell me you haven't done this sort of thing before.

I had sex once dressed as Apollo Creed.

But the make-up just got really messy.

-You have got to be shitting me.

-It'll stop you from "yelping".

I'm scared.

Aww!

Ready?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Princess? Are you awake?

One second, Puss Puss.

Quick, get in the bathroom!

What is it, Daddy?

-Where's Danbury?

-Oh, he, erm, wanted to get some fresh air.

When are you going to bring home a nice lad?

Donald IS nice.

No, I mean someone we can welcome into the family.

You want to get married, don't you?

You see, I don't trust him.

I think he might be a bad influence on you.

Oh, come on, Daddy, I'm tired.

I'd be terribly upset if I ever discovered you've already popped your hymen.

-What was that?

-Oh, er...

Was that him?

No, Daddy, I told you, he's outside.

Oh, Lordy!

Strange pyjamas, Don.

HE MUMBLES

Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.

Er let me see, something about aqueducts?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, no need to swear!

Open up!

Sorry, Don.

I can't understand you with that ball in your mouth.

BANGING ON DOOR

Is there another person in here?

-Just Harriet.

-I said person, not woman.

Don't try and get away from me!

OK, poppet, sweet dreams.

I hope I'm in them.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Cup of cocoa, m'lady.

-Wellington!

-Sir?

-Have you seen Danbury?

-I'm afraid not, sir.

-I don't like him, Wellington.

-I understand, sir.

I don't like the way he looks at my precious daughter.

I want to grab hold of that boy's penis, hold it tight and then yank it from his groin.

And then I want to bend him over and insert aforementioned severed penis right up his backside.

That'll teach him never to lay a finger on my angel.

It certainly would, sir.

Now, if you don't mind, I need to attend to Lady Hortensia.

Of course.

There you go, m'lady. Now, don't forget to take your pills at 3am, 5am and 7am.

I've left them here with some water.

Good to see you're peeing regularly, m'lady.

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Have you seen Donald?

-Is he the one running around in S&M gear?

Oh, God. I do hope Daddy doesn't find him. He'll tear his penis off.

I'm being serious. He did it to my first boyfriend.

Tore his penis right off. He was only 13.

-Sorry.

-I don't mind.

Please don't hurt me.

-Please, I'll scream.

-No, no, no.

Argh!

M'lady?

What's going on?

Hortie? Are you OK? What happened?

Argh!

GROWLING

There you are.

I was right about you, wasn't I?

-What's going on?

-Penelope, shut your eyes at once.

I don't want you too see this filth.

Donald!

Have you got anything to with this, my angel? Please tell me you haven't.

No! Of course not.

Donald, what are you doing? You're rotten in the head.

I want you off my grounds this instant.

How could you do this, Donald?

My lord!

My lord! I have some splendid news.

-What is it, Wellington?

-Auntie Hortie's finally spoken again!

What did she say?

She said...

he tried to penetrate her.

HE GROWLS

And so I had to make my own way home.

I had to keep telling myself that the only reason Felicity

didn't help me back there was because she had no choice.

Her dad would've killed her.

She was probably back at home, worrying about me.

It's chafing my balls.

Get in the bed. Now!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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