Don Meets His Maker How Not To Live Your Life

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE.

Oh, come on, hairs, don't leave me!

What are you all dressed up for?

I'm going on a date.

Someone finds Yoda attractive? Urgh!

So who's the unlucky man, then? Treacher's got a date.

Aw, that's nice. So have I!

What? With who?

-Er, Brian.

-Oh, right. Well, it's not a date, then, is it?

-He's your boyfriend.

-So? He's still taking me out.

-No. A date is when you don't know the person very well.

-It's a date, right?

I don't give a shit.

It's like when people say that their baby's 19 months old.

It's not. It's one. One year old.

Why do they still say months? That'd be like me saying I'm...

-348 months old.

-Exactly.

-348... Whoa, I'm not that old!

-Right, well, I'm going to call it a date.

So I will see you freaks later.

A date?

-Don?

-What?

I've got a date, too.

Great. So everyone's got a date tonight, except me!

DOORBELL RINGS

-Yes?

-Ah, hello.

-I'm here for Dorothy Treacher.

-Gollum!

We've met before, haven't we?

No, thank you, no. I went before I left.

No, no. What's your name again?

-Oh, yes!

-Who are you?

No, my name's not Hugh. It's George.

Hello, George.

Urgh! It's like watching The Two Ronnies get off with each other.

I was thinking, maybe we should skip dinner and just get wankered?

Yes!

Now, you bring her back at a decent hour, you hear? What am I saying?

'Later, something very disturbing happened.

'While I was trying to get to sleep...'

Oh, no! '..I could hear sex coming from Sam's room.'

Right, that's got to stop.

Right, I'm sorry, guys,

but I'm not going to allow this high-energy nailing under my roof.

I know you're both adults. You especially, Brian.

But them's the rules...

What are you doing?

-Oh, thank God! I thought I could hear Brian nailing you.

-What?

And you thought you'd come in and watch?!

-Why, would that be OK with you both?

-Don, get out!

Hang on. If it's not you, then...

Is that all you've got? Fuck me inside out!

-Is that...?

-Say my name!

Say! My! Name!

Dorothy Treacher!

Fuck the shit out of me!

Oh, my God. I will never be able to look at Treacher again.

I'm never going to be able to watch The Two Ronnies again.

And it's a good night from me...

'It seemed like everyone was in a relationship. And then there was Eddie -

'he wasn't his usual caring self.' Why didn't you wake me, Eddie?

-I told you I've got an important appointment today.

-Hey, Don.

-Just making Brian a little omelette-let.

-Brian?

Sorry, Brian?! Who do you work for, exactly?

-Me or Brian?

-Neither. I work for Dot.

-Oh, yeah.

-Tell you what, I'll quickly whip you up some muesli.

Why are you threatening me with muesli?

-It's healthy.

-It's evil. Tastes like hamster cage.

-Now whip me up my usual, thank you very much.

-OK. So...

Three fried eggs, three slices of bacon, three sausages, three beans, three hash browns, chips,

tomatoes, mushrooms, black pudding, cup of tea, fried slice, and a Terry's Chocolate Orange for afters?

That's more like it. Now, I don't suppose you've run me a bath, have you?

-Ooh... Brian's just had one, so I'm just waiting for the water to heat up again.

-Unbelievable.

I don't know what's happened.

-But I feel like I don't even exist in my own home.

-Sorry, what?

I said, I don't know what's happened, but I feel like I don't even exist in my own home.

Er, yes? Hello?!

You deaf old prune!

-Eh?

-Arrrrgh!

'I was sick of being ignored by people that don't even live in my house.'

'Especially Brian. I mean, just look at them all, they all think he's amazing.'

-Oi, Treacher! Can you tell your boyfriend not to just burst into the...

-Sssh, sssh.

-Er, excuse me. I just had a very traumatic experience...

-In a second, Don.

In a second? I might have a horrible disease in a second!

'I couldn't believe it. The way they always hang on Brian's every word.

'It's like he's the king of my castle.'

Right, well, I'm going out now.

I said, I'm just popping out.

Brian's talking, Don.

But he thinks, "I can't wake anybody up..."

You know, you'd miss me if I were gone.

Yeah, you would, yeah. If I just dropped dead, you'd miss me!

"If I turn a light on, I'll disturb someone." So he goes down to the hallway.

He's kind of shuffling down the hallway, trying to look for the light...

Are you all right, Eddie?

-Did Don just say something about dying?

-He's being an idiot.

-He can't stand someone else getting a bit of attention. Carry on, babe.

-Hmm.

-What's wrong?

-Well, it's a letter to Don from Great Michael Street Hospital.

It says, "We can confirm your appointment on Tuesday 26th to discuss the transplant."

-26th is today.

-Give it here.

He said something just then about having a disease.

-Jesus, you're right. It does.

-Well, what sort of transplant?

-Well, it doesn't say.

-It could be anything. I mean, he's so unhealthy.

He eats a fried breakfast every day.

-He never eats vegetables.

-Oh, my God. It's my fault. I've killed Don!

No, Eddie, don't say that. Oh, God, maybe it's his liver or something.

I mean, he does drink a lot. What could it be?

Well, you're definitely receding.

Are you sure? I'm definitely losing it?

-I'm afraid so.

-God, no! Please, I can't go bald!

Please, I'm so scared!

The good news is, we can do a transplant.

-Really?

-But you would be looking at a cost of around £5,000.

-What!?

-And it's not a guaranteed 100% cure.

So cold...

So cold. Hold me. Hold me!

Jesus...

'I thought I coped with that quite well.'

-How did it go?

-How'd what go?

-We found the letter, Don.

-About your appointment?

Oh. Yeah...

So what did they say? Is it serious?

-Yeah. It's everything I feared.

-Oh, God...

-Yeah, they said there's no real cure.

-But what about the transplant?

-Yeah, they could do a transplant.

But it's not 100% guaranteed cure. And anyway, I can't afford it.

Oh Jesus, Don...

Is it... terminal?

Yeah. Yeah, I suppose you could put it that way.

Could be gone in a year, a month, they don't know.

I have to say, I'm surprised you all care.

Of course we care! I know we fight a lot, Don, but I still care about you. Why didn't you say something?

Well, I just thought you'd all think I was being vain.

That's ridiculous, Don. It's not vain!

I'm losing it, guys.

-I'm actually losing it.

-No, no. You're not.

-I am.

I've been really good at hiding it, but... I'm losing it.

I think you're being incredibly brave.

Yeah, I am, aren't I?

-What is it?

-What do you mean?

-Hey, hey.

-Just one step at a time, huh?

-No, you're right. I'm sorry.

Just tell us in your own time. Oh, babe, come here.

Wow!

Not you!

'Now, you've probably spotted the serious case of crossed wires here.

'Call me stupid, but I genuinely thought they were upset about my hair.

-'It wasn't until Treacher said...'

-I always thought I'd be the first to croak.

'..that things started to fall in to place.'

-What did you just say?

-Oh, Dot. That's incredibly negative.

We have to think positively! He might be all right.

Yeah, but there's also no point in kidding ourselves, is there?

'What the hell am I playing at? Well, just look at what's going on here.

'I've never been the reason for a group hug. Ever.

'I finally knew what it felt like to not be hated.

'And it felt nice. Who knew?'

KNOCK AT DOOR

You all right?

Yeah, just watching Dude, Where's My Car?

It's actually a really well-made film. Do you want to join me?

Listen. Brian and I have been talking.

I hope that's all you've been doing.

Look. Life is precious. Live it to the fullest, seize the day.

-Carpe diem.

-No, thanks. I don't like fish.

So, if there's something that you've always wanted to do - anything -

Brian and I are here to help make it happen. OK?

You're up for a threesome?

Well, I'd always imagined it would be with two girls...

-Er, Don...

-Whoa, whoa.

OK, I'm up for it.

Under one condition. Brian, you do not look at my cum face. Capiche?

Don, that isn't what I meant!

I knew that!

What I just said stays in this room, OK?

Seriously, though. You should maybe think of

a bucket list. Surely there's stuff that you've always dreamt of doing?

I meant stuff that isn't impossible.

Have a think.

OK.

-Er, Sam?

-Yeah?

-There is actually something you could both do for me.

Right, well, I'll give you a call later...

Sorry. It's just having him around is a constant reminder that I'll never make it to that age.

And as for you, young lady, I'm banning Ronnie Barker from this house.

You two rutting the way you do makes me feel ill.

Well, you know, more ill.

-It's all right. I've dumped him anyway.

-Really, why?

He was only interested in me for my body.

'And so I began my new life, as a dead man.

'I never knew dying would have so many perks.'

Can I get you anything?

-I'd love a foot rub.

-Sure.

-Yes?

-Could you get me a Tizer Martini, please?

Eddie?

Could you feed me those Skittles?

I'm feeling too weak to lift them.

-Abso-lulu.

-Great.

'It was great. They did whatever I asked.

'Yeah, maybe I got a teeny weeny bit carried away with it all.'

Now, I don't want a hearse.

I want a monster truck with the coffin on the roof.

And I want the monster truck to crush over all the other cars as it arrives, yeah? Like...so.

-Don.

-Yes, Eddie.

A hearse is more traditional.

I don't care. They're horrible.

Seriously, I wouldn't be seen dead in a hearse.

Too soon? Sorry.

Oh, and I would love to have Brian May in a wind machine.

I'm not sure we're going to be able to get Brian May to play at your funeral.

Urgh, no, I don't want him to play!

I just want him there.

In a wind machine.

# Going faster than a roller coaster... #

Everyone cared about me. I was so happy.

£7.80, please.

Ah, I've only got two pounds.

Oh, come on, mate. I'm dying!

-Don, you can't use that as an excuse.

-Is that true?

Yeah, but...

All right, have these on me.

Thanks, barman.

-Don.

-Yeah.

-What's it called?

-What's what called?

-You know, what you've got?

-If you don't want to talk about it, I completely understand.

-No, no, that's fine.

It's called Peterson's disease. It's a stomach thing.

Probably all that bad food I've eaten over the years.

God, you are dealing with this so well.

-I never thought that you'd be this brave.

-Well...

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

-What for?

-We have argued a lot in the past.

-And it just all seems really petty now.

-Hey, don't...

If I've ever been mean to you, then I regret it. You know that, right?

Hey. You haven't been mean.

You've been amazing. I've really,

really loved hanging out with you for the last few days.

Yeah, me too.

MOBILE PHONE BLEEPS

Eddie. Wants to know whether I want him to run a bath.

You fancy a bath?

Well, you're consistent, I'll give you that.

PHONE RINGS

Eddie! Phone!

FOOTSTEPS RUNNING DOWN STAIRS

HE PANTS

Sorry, I was upstairs!

Danbury residence.

-'Can I speak to Don Danbury, please?'

-It's for you.

-Nah.

-I'm afraid he's not available at the moment. Can I take a message?

You all right, Dobby?

Yes. I'm fucking marvellous(!)

What?

That was the hair specialist at Great Michael Street Hospital.

Get lost.

Look, you were the ones who thought I was dying. I never said it.

You told Samantha you had Peterson's disease.

There's no such thing, is there?

There was no such thing as Parkinson's until the first person had it. Think of that!

You acted like the transplant was serious!

Jesus, Eddie, it is serious!

I mean, I don't want to go bald!

You of all people should know how that feels.

Why?

Well, you know. Cos you're...

-What?

-Well, you're...

What, you really don't get what I'm saying?

Maybe, if I ever lose my hair, I'll be able to sympathise.

But right now, Don, I'm hopping mad.

You have to tell them the truth!

Oh, I know, I know. You know, when Sam said she was sorry for being mean to me I felt really guilty.

At least I think it was guilt. I've never really felt it before.

It's like a weird, twisted, knotted feeling in my stomach.

-Shit, I hope it's not Peterson's disease!

-Donald!

I don't want to go back to being hated.

Dying is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

She could be up there right now looking up Peterson's on the wiklepedia.

Oh, don't worry about that.

"It's a stomach thing.

"No-one really knows too much about it yet.

"Doctors say it's likely caused by all that bad food he's eaten over the years.

"Symptoms include lack of energy and general laziness.

"It is fatal. Fact."

That's the great thing about Wikipedia.

You can write any old bull crap and once it's online, it's fact.

I mean, you should see what they say about Dude, Where's My Car. Scandalous!

Don? OK. I hope you don't mind, but I've just been on the phone to Brian...

-I do mind, actually.

-No, listen.

Look, we've decided that we want to throw you a bit of a party.

Really? A party? For little old me?

Yeah. You can invite all your friends, everyone that you know.

Only if you're up for it. We just wanted to show you that we cared.

-But I'd understand if you don't want us to cause a fuss.

-Hey. I love fuss.

Go ahead and cause some.

OK. Right, I'm on it!

Oh, please.

Please? No-one's ever thrown me a party before. Please?

We'll just have this party tonight, and then tomorrow I'll tell everyone.

Please? Please?

I was really looking forward to my own farewell party.

Hundreds of people telling me how great they think I am.

# Love like yours will surely come my way... #

There he is.

-I thought you said you were going to invite all my friends.

-I did!

But it's just you lot. And Jason, my boss from work.

-Don.

-I called all the numbers in your phone. All six of them.

Oh, by the way, I tried to get in contact with Abby,

-but apparently she's on her honeymoon.

-She got married?

Yeah, sorry.

I'll get you a drink, big guy.

And there was me cursing your name today for not showing up for work.

Imagine how I feel.

Really, really bad?

Yeah, you should.

Look, you don't need to worry about coming in.

We'll send you your last pay cheque, and we'll include today.

Yeah, you might want to keep the job open though, yeah?

-No, but you're...

-Well, you never know.

-There you go, soldier.

-Cheers.

For death begins at life's first breath.

And life begins at touch of death.

-What the fuck?

-Er, it's from a poem by John Oxenham.

It's one of my favourites, actually.

Well, here's one.

Take my hand.

We'll make it, I swear.

Oh, oh, oh.

We're living on a prayer.

-Isn't that...?

-Jonathan Bon Jovi.

Yes, it is. Great, great man.

BOTTLE TAPPING

Would everyone like to take a seat?

Erm, I'd just like to say a few words.

We wanted to call some of your friends to gather some stories from across your life. But...

You don't have any friends.

No!

Well, not exactly, no.

I mean, you haven't been that great at keeping in touch with people.

But look, I'm sure if we had more time,

then we would have been overflowing with lots of guests and lovely, lovely sentiments.

Well, I haven't known you long, Don.

But this I do know - you're a great guy. Really.

Interesting, a little complicated, but funny and endearing.

Look. I'm not going to sleep with you if that's what you're suggesting.

I mean, a threesome with her, maybe. But not just the two of us!

Does anybody else want to say anything about Don?

Eddie. You must have some sweet memories that you want to share with us.

-Er...

-You'd bloody better have!

How about when you first met?

OK.

I remember when I first met Don.

He said to me, "Hug me again and I'll kick you in the prick".

He's right. I did.

Right, well, that was a beautiful story.

Well, what about you? You must have one.

-You've lived with Donnie for a while.

-Donnie?

-You must have had lots of fun times together?

-I, er...

What about that time the two of you shared a hotel room at that wedding? That must have been lots of fun!

There, you see.

So, what happened at this wedding?

Well, to be honest, Bri, there's just been so many moments, you know?

-There's too many to pick from. It's just been one big laugh, right, Sam?

-Yeah!

Come on, let's go and get some food.

You betsy!

-This is all wrong, you know?

-I know!

This party was meant to make me feel better about my life. Not worse!

Well, your life's not bad, Don.

Eddie. I've achieved nothing.

I'm a fully-grown adult and I've never had a proper relationship.

I've never had a proper job. And I've never had a proper beard!

But you're not actually dying.

-There's still time to get these things.

-It'll never happen.

I mean, I'm just not hairy enough.

I can't hold it in any more, Don. I'm just not built for lying!

Shut up!

Shh, let me think.

I mean, there must be a less harsh way of telling them.

You know, something to soften the blow? Hmmm...

Right, I have something to tell you all.

It's quite a difficult thing.

Very emotional. So, I thought it best that I put it in song form.

-Better be good.

-Thanks.

-Well, that's wonderful, Donnie.

It's not going to upset us, is it?

I really, really hope not.

In fact, you could even promise me that you won't get upset? How about that?

I can't promise that, Don.

Shit.

OK.

Ready?

Two, three, four.

# Now that you know that you'll miss me when I'm gone

# Will you forgive me for things I may have done?

# Say yes

# Yes

# Say yes, Don

# Yes, Don

# Say ooh-eh, ooh-eh

# Ooh-eh, ooh-eh

# Lions and tigers and hippos and fowl

# They can't forgive each other cos they're animals

# They don't know how

# That's what makes us humans so great

# We can forgive each other when we make a mistake now

# I better tell you that I have been lying

# I might have let you all believe that I was dying

# But I'm not

# But that's great

# Oh, it's something that we should celebrate

# Lions and tigers and hippos and fowl... #

Don!

Erm... What did you just say?

# Lions and tigers and hippos... #

No, no. Not that bit, the other bit.

The bit about you not dying.

I'm not actually dying.

CLOCK TICKS

Hmm, never noticed how loud that clock is before.

You gigantic fucking twat.

I deserve that. I do.

Now, let's celebrate.

Here's to not dying!

You prick!

You are absolutely fascinating.

Well, I liked it.

# Lions and tigers and hippos and fowl... #

I felt so guilty, and I only had myself to blame.

So I did the decent thing, and spent the rest of the evening hiding outside.

What are you doing out here?

Staying out of your way.

I know you probably loathe me right now. And I don't blame you.

I just feel so stupid, Don.

I believed you hook, line and sinker.

I mean, at first I wasn't sure.

I thought, "Maybe he's making this up."

But then I thought, "No, not even Don would stoop that low."

I'm sorry.

Really, I am.

I'll do anything to make it up to you.

You know, the reason I lied was because I was really enjoying spending time with you.

But whenever you and I start getting on, you've just got to go and screw it up. Royally.

We haven't hung out at all since that time we almost... You know?

Well, yeah, but I've been busy with, you know, uni, and stuff.

Don't you regret that we never... You know?

It would've been a mistake if we'd... You know.

Not necessarily.

Look, I'm with Brian now.

And there's no point in us having this conversation, so...

I'll see you later.

-Sam?

-Yeah?

There is actually something I need to tell you. Something very serious.

-This better be a joke.

-It's not.

It's actually pretty bad news.

That specialist I went to see?

He told me that my hair's receding.

Why does no-one care?!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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