Don Dates a Homeless How Not To Live Your Life

-'I got asked for money by a beggar today.'

-Spare some change?

-'I did what any normal person does.'

Hmm, sorry. 'I pretended I didn't have any.'

'It's weird. It's totally acceptable to not care about homeless people.'

This programme contains some strong language

My husband's just had a heart attack. Can I use your phone to call an ambulance?

-Hmm, sorry.

-I've just been fired. My wife's left me for another man.

-Please, tell me it's be going to be all right?

-Hmm, sorry.

-GUNSHOT

-Argh! Don, Don!

My arm! It's on fire!

Do something!

Hmm, sorry.

Look, Don, Brian's away for the weekend and I'm desperate for some sex.

No strings, no-one needs to know.

What do you think, can you help?

Hmm, sorry.

Well, enjoy the coffee then, you prick.

Some of us can't afford a nice mocha frappa-choco-chino,

with hazelnut syrup, extra cream, and tasty broken biscuity toppings!

Well, it's just your average latte, mate.

Don't worry about him. His interpersonal skills aren't great.

-He's terrifying, isn't he?

-Who, Pete Doherty?

Nah. He's harmless. Just never got the basic rule of begging -

don't frighten the person you're asking for money.

Yeah. Have this.

-Oh, thanks.

-Oh, right, I see. What, you've give her some, have you?

What, cos she's a bird? You're a sexist.

I'm just going to...urm...

Please don't hurt me!

-He had the biggest knees I've ever seen on a person... Huge!

-How do you know?

Well, cos I just saw them in the flesh.

-Shit, I've got to go and meet Brian.

-Has he asked to see you after class?

You joke, but he has said that to me before.

-During sex. I quite liked it.

-Eurgh, I don't want to hear that.

-He's an excellent lover. Very attentive.

-Stop it.

-Why does it bother you so much?

I don't want to know what Uncle Bri's like in the bedroom, thanks.

I certainly don't want to know he's some brilliant quim ninja.

You still don't like him, do you?

If you gave him a chance and went out with him,

you'd be surprised at how much fun you'd have.

Hang on, "quim ninja"? That is disgusting, Donald.

All right?

Oh, hey. How's it going?

Not bad, considering.

-Pete Doherty's stopped being such a dick.

-Well, that's good news.

Yeah.

-I'll see you later.

-Yeah, see you around.

Aw.

What?

-Were you just flirting with a beggar?

-Don't be ridiculous.

-What was all that about, then?

-I was just being friendly.

I gave her some money the other day. She's a nice person.

I suppose, underneath all that dirt, she's kind of attractive. Oh, my God, do I fancy a tramp?

Even by your standards, Donald, that is phenomenal.

You going to ask her out?

-Seriously?

-No, don't do it seriously.

Crack a joke. Break the ice.

Right, as much as I would love to stick around and witness a bit more hoboerotism,

I'm going to go.

Adios.

See ya later. Hmm.

Oh!

Can we help you?

Oh, guys, you've met Susan, then?

Hi. Sorry, I didn't realise that you had...er...

friends...over.

-Mmm.

-I'm Susan.

Hi, I'm Sam. Oh, this is Brian.

I've run you a bath.

Oh, thanks. I cannot wait for this. It's been ages.

Just give me a shout if you need anything?

So...

What do you reckon?

-Why have you brought a tramp into our house?

-Hey, that's not very nice!

She might not be a tramp. It might be a...new look that's going round.

-No. She's a tramp.

-Seriously, what are you playing at?

I mean, you're not Richard Gere saving Julia Roberts.

-A - Roberts was a prostitute, not a tramp.

-And B?

There's no B. Just A. It's strong. Anyway, you were the one who said I should ask her out.

-Oh, my God, Don, that was a joke.

-Oh.

Oh, well, I did. Because, well, you know, I don't judge a book by it's cover.

Yeah, because you don't read books.

Well, I think it's noble of you, Don.

-Really?

-Yeah.

You don't think there are "issues" here?

There are issues at play. The fact that you feel the need to pick up a girl who has serious self-esteem...

-I knew you couldn't resist.

-How did you ask her out?

Well...

'Shortly after you left, I decided to take your advice and introduce myself.

'But it was harder than I thought.'

What am I doing? 'I mean, how do you chat up a tramp?'

Don, you dickhead.

-Are you all right? You seem a bit lost.

-Er, no, no.

Hey, listen, I was wondering...er...

whether you wanted to go out for a drink sometime.

Or maybe go in for a drink.

Seeing as you already spend a lot of time out.

Is that meant to be funny?

'After a bumpy start, I convinced her to have a drink with me.

'Turns out we've got loads in common.'

I love Super Tennent's!

'We're similar in so many ways.'

-I mean, I haven't washed in days.

-Me neither. 'We love the same sort of music and films.

'I even took her to the cinema.'

It's a Costner triple bill.

All the W's. Waterworld, Wyatt Earp, Wolves, Dances with.

We don't have to stay for all three.

-'And we ended the evening in the park.'

-I haven't been treated like this in a long time.

'Looking up at the stars.'

-Sorry I was frosty when we first met.

-That's all right, I'm used to it.

I'll be honest, I thought you were only interested in me for my money.

I was.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, hang on.

You don't mind, do you?

-Are you fucking insane?

-What?

I like her, OK? She's funny and thinks with her balls.

I love chicks like that. I mean, that's what I liked about you...

wan.

-Who's Ewan?

-Oh, just some...girl

with a guy's name I used to really like.

Don't analyse it.

# That's why the lady

# Is a tramp

# Oh, yeah, is a tra... #

Sorry, I was expecting Susan?

Man, you look so different out of your work clothes.

Yeah, I'm afraid the bath's going to need a really good scrub. Sorry.

Don't apologise.

-Eddie will be chuffed to bits.

-Who?

Oh, he's a friend of mine.

He absolutely loves cleaning things.

I know, he's mental in face.

So, listen, if you want to stay tonight, then that's...

..cool.

One, two, three.

Where's Eddie? The bath needs to be...

-replaced, probably.

-He's looking after one of his other patients tonight.

I wonder what his other patients are like?

So, Ron? Pam? Mrs Preacher? What would you all like for dinner?

I'll have a full English, please.

-It's ten o clock at night.

-So?

I've got a craving for fried eggs and shit.

And shit?

So, what's with the shots?

Well, I'm bored, because Brian is upstairs marking papers...on a Friday.

-So we took it upon ourselves to finish the bottle.

-Good enough reason.

-So how is the hobosexual?

-You're not going to let this one go, are you?

-Yeah,

cos you never make jokes about Brian, do you?

When have I ever made a joke about Brian?

What was it like during the Blitz? She's dating her dad. You grew up in the '50s, didn't you?

Having trouble lifting that? They're not father and daughter. Surely she's more your age!

-All right. I get the point.

-One, two, three.

My God, Dobby, you didn't even wince.

Too old for wincing.

MUSIC PLAYS FROM DOWNSTAIRS

ALL: # Sweet Caroline, ba-ba-ba... #

DON HUMS ALONG

-Oh!

-# Sweet Caroline... #

Oooh. Erm...

-Are you off?

-Yeah, I can't really concentrate.

Oh, well, join us? Come on.

-If he wants to go, he wants to go. Jesus, ball and chain, right, Bri?

-Er, no. You continue your fun.

I don't mind heading off.

No, no, no. Don't be stupid.

It's time for bed anyway.

How can I resist those eyes, eh, Don?

It doesn't look like you're trying.

I still don't get what she seems in him, eh?

Aw, I love you, Gollum.

Well, a little bit.

Are you going?

Sorry, I didn't want to wake you.

You crawled into bed very late.

Oh, man. I got wrecked.

I know. You peed the bed.

What?

Oh, Jesus. I'm so sorry.

It's all right.

I've slept through worse.

-Oh, yeah.

-Look, Don, I appreciate you letting me stay last night, but I think...

Hey, look, you don't have to go. Why don't you hang out with me today?

I've got work later, but we could go and grab some lunch before or do some shopping.

-Really?

-Yeah. It's about time we got you out of these clothes, young lady.

I mean, not get you naked.

-Put you in other clothes.

-It's all right. I knew what you meant.

MUSIC: "Pretty Woman" by Roy Orbison

-Ready?

-Yeah.

-Get rid of your gum.

Let's go.

You see this woman over here?

-Yes.

-Do you have anything in this shop as beautiful as she is?

I think we're going to be needing more people helping out.

You see, I'm going to be spending an obscene amount of money.

-How obscene, exactly?

-I'm talking...

..really offensive.

# Pretty woman

# Walking down the street

# Pretty woman

# The kind I like to meet

# Pretty woman

# I don't believe you, you're not the truth

# No-one could look as good as you

# Oh, oh

# Pretty woman. #

'That afternoon I took Susan to the art centre to show her where I work.'

This piece here is by an artist called Tobpy Cream.

That's "Toby" with a silent P.

I don't really like Cream's work. It's pretentious.

Aren't you meant to say it's great? You know, cos you work here?

Yeah, yeah. But between you and me, I think it's bullshit.

-What do you think of that one?

-Bullshit.

-That?

-Bullshit.

Is that bullshit?

No, that one works on several levels.

Why do you work here, Don?

Well, I do the late shift so I don't have to get up early.

-Don?

-Oh, hey, boss.

What have I told you about using this place to pick up women? Group tours only.

Er, Jason... DON CHUCKLES

This is Susan. My girlfriend.

Girlfriend? You don't mind, do you?

-I know we haven't done sex yet, but...

-Even if that's the case, I'm afraid she'll have to leave.

I can't have you distracted... even more.

Oh, I know what this is about.

I get it, yeah. It's because she's a tramp, isn't it?

-What?

-Don!

-Don't worry, Jason, she's not going to start begging everywhere.

-Seriously, Don.

-It's all right, honey, I'm not embarrassed.

I am. You just called me a tramp.

Oh, sorry, sorry.

What's the correct term? Beggar?

No? Hobo?

-No?

-Vagabond?

Yeah, drifter? That's kind of romantic.

-I thought you were a nice guy.

-What?

Susan! Did I say something out of turn?

-Vagrant?

-Ooh, yeah, that's a good one.

-Down-and-out?

-Hang on, hang on, it's my go.

Panhandler?

-Gypsy?

-Nomad?

-Didicoy?

-All right, you win.

Susan!

COMPUTER GAME BEEPING

Come!

Oh, hey.

Sorry I left like that earlier.

-Sorry I called you a tramp. I just want to be honest with everyone.

-Why?

Well, hopefully people will think I'm cool and modern for dating a tramp...didicoy.

That's not a reason, Don. I mean, are you into me, or the idea of me?

Ooh, I dunno. What's the idea of you like?

What I mean is, are you prepared to start getting involved in my life?

Meeting my friends?

-Yes.

-You'd be up for meeting my friends?

-Yes.

-All right.

-Tonight. I'll take you out.

-Great.

Great.

Really great.

'I mean, what could be so hard about hanging out with her friends?

'They're still people,

'doesn't matter that they're tramps...er, I mean drifters.'

Wow. This is great.

-I feel so... free, man.

-You want to try it in winter, mate.

-Shit, yeah. It must be tough.

-Depends how much of this you've had, you know.

There you go. Go on.

Cheers.

Oh, my God, is that Bob Hoskins?

Mmmm, mmm. Yummy, yum, yum.

It's really tasty. What year is that?

-I didn't say drink it all!

-Oh...

-Don.

-Sorry, sorry. I just...

Oh. It was just so nice.

Here.

Thanks.

Eh!

GUITAR STRUMMING

Yeah, I play a little.

-I've written one about Susan actually.

-Aw! Play it.

-Oh, I dunno, I'm a bit shy.

-Don't worry, Don, you don't have...

# She said you never want to come back to my place

# Only ever go back to yours

# I want to go back to mine sometimes

# She said you never want to hang out with my friends

# We only ever go out with yours

# I'd like to hang out with mine sometimes

# And I said

# That's because you are homeless

# And you live on the streets

# And your so-called friends

# Just other tramps that you meet. #

Wow, I've never earned money from my songs before, that's amazing.

Look, 14p.

Cock-a-doodle-Don!

Morning, kids.

Last time I saw you, you were in trouble with Mr Brian.

-Did he give you a detention?

-No, but we did have amazing make-up sex.

Eugh. Must be weird going out with someone old enough

to remember when colour telly was invented.

Thanks, Eddie.

You change when you're with him. You know that? He makes you less fun.

Just because he doesn't like getting off his head

-and watching clips of people eating their own feces on YouTube does not mean he's any less fun.

-Hmm.

Was a funny clip, though, eh?

A cake made of poo, and then serving it to someone for their birthday.

Yeah, it was pretty funny.

Oh, if you made an effort with him, I think you'd like him.

-I make an effort.

-When have you ever made an effort?

How is that making an effort?

I went the whole night without making fun of his age. Huge effort.

Just ask him out for a drink.

And then what? Fuck him?

You know, he likes you.

Finds you...fascinating.

God knows why.

All right, I'll go out with him.

-For you.

-Aw.

-But Eddie comes with, cos I need a friend there to soften the blow.

Oh, I love it when you call me a friend. Gives me a fizzy tummy.

-Urgh. I've changed my mind, you're not coming.

-Oh.

Well, I'm sure you and Brian will have fun on your own.

I've changed it back. You can come.

Aw. Can't wait.

Oooh.

Right. What's everyone having? Beer?

-I'll have a milk, please.

-Bri?

-Pint of lager?

-Er, I don't drink, Don. You know that.

-What, never?

-Nope.

-Not even birthdays?

-No.

-Weddings?

-No.

-Bah Mitzvahs?

-No.

-Christmas?

-No.

-New Year's, surely?

-No.

-Christenings?

-No.

-Funerals?

-No.

What if you'd accidentally killed a child in a car crash

-and you were really, really cut up about it?

-No!

-Oh.

I guess you don't drink, then.

This is going to be fun.

Oh, hi.

-Didn't know you were in.

-Yep.

-Just me, Treacher, and Saw 3. She loves it, for some reason.

-SCREAMING FROM TELEVISION

So...how are things with you and Don?

Fine, I guess.

Is it just me or is he a bit of a dick?

-It's not just you.

-He's a bit of a dick.

-We're kidding. He's a good guy. He's just...

-A bit of a dick.

-Look, will you tell him I said thanks?

-Yeah. Of course.

It was nice to meet you both.

FRONT DOOR CLOSES

Doesn't bode well for Don, does it?

I hope he and Brian are getting on OK.

-Oh, Christ, I can't handle this. Eddie, get a tray of Sambuca shots, will you?

-Abso-lulu.

-Don. I've told you...

-Look.

We're only doing this because of Sam, right?

And I don't mean to be rude, but I don't think I can handle being in your company sober.

-That is actually very rude.

-You're having a great time with me? That what you're saying?

All right, fair point.

The only thing that is going to fool us into thinking we get along

is my best friend here, Sir Samuel of Buca.

There you go. Yes, and you Eddie.

Come on, it's about time we got drunk together.

It's no use, Don. Alcohol doesn't have any effect on me.

-That's why I don't drink.

-Bullshit.

Ready? Go!

Ah.

So...um...

-how's it going with...Susan, is it?

-See? It's worked.

We're like best friends already! Yeah, it's going pretty good, thanks, Bri.

You know, I've never been with a woman where I know, for certain,

-that I'm the catch.

-What if you decide that you're no longer into her?

Splitting up would mean throwing her onto the streets -

-a huge amount of responsibility.

-I hadn't thought of that.

-If there's one thing I know about you, Don, you loathe responsibility.

-He's right. I do.

-The longer you go out with her, the harder it'll become.

-What are you going to do, Don?

I know.

# Cos you're filthy

# Ooh, and you're gorgeous... #

So how is this going to help with Susan?

It's not. But it'll just help to take my mind off things for a bit.

-Here, Bri, if you want a dance from one of the girls, just give them these tokens, OK?

-Wow.

Looks just like real money but with naked girls on.

Yeah, but remember, it's not real.

They're Titty Tokens.

We'll have the same again, please.

-Steady on, we haven't drunk these yet.

-Don't listen to that cock.

Bring us more! Now!

Come on.

You're telling me you don't feel a thing?

No.

But you've done 12 shots and drunk six pints.

-You must feel something?

-I told you before, Don.

Alcohol doesn't have any effect on me. Never has.

You two are like a married couple.

The subservient wife

and the insecure yet overbearing husband.

We are nothing like a married couple, thank you very much.

Ooh, who's driving home tonight, sexy pants?

Technically, I am over the limit.

About time. Jesus, woman, it's hardly rocket science.

Bri, Bri. Look, calm down.

-How much for a dance?

-I'm a waitress. I don't dance.

Well, you clearly want people to think of you in that way

-otherwise you wouldn't dress like a slut.

-Right.

Brian, you've really changed!

I'm afraid I'm going to ask you gentlemen to leave.

-Ooh, did you hear that, chaps? The gorilla can speak!

-That's it.

Oh, you want to wrestle, do you? All right, fine. Bring it on!

Bring it on! Come on!

Oh, my God, I've created a monster!

Right, you stay here, OK?

Don't move until I get back. OK?

-You betsy.

-Right.

You're a cliche! You know that?

A walking, talking cliche!

Bri, come on. Let's just go.

Oh, look, another monkey. I'll grab a typewriter, shall I? We can see if that Shakespeare theory is true.

You're like a clever yob.

-We can take them, right?

-What?!

-I do judo, did you know that?

You might do Judo, but they do kicking people's heads in.

-On three. You with me?

-No!

-One...

-What?

Two...three!

DON WHIMPERS Jesus Christ! Oh, God! I'm so scared.

'I know, heroic, eh?

'But I wasn't prepared to get beaten up just because Brian can't handle his drink.

'But then I started to imagine Brian getting torn apart by those bouncers.'

Oh, bollocks.

LAUGHTER

-Susan?

-Oh.

-Hey, Don.

-What's going on? What are you doing?

Why aren't you at home?

-This is my home.

-What do you mean?

-Look, I dunno how to say this,

but things just aren't working out between us.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're dumping me?

You were only dating me to feel good about yourself.

I was just a trophy girlfriend.

Trophy girlfriend? This is ridiculous.

You don't want to get involved.

You don't like my friends.

I love your friends. I love them.

-Why are you ignoring us, then?

-Oh, sorry. I didn't see you there.

You know, you all kind of look the same.

No, no, that's not racist...

Look, I care. I do.

Here. Here you go. Yeah, get yourself a panini or something. There you go.

-Is this a joke?

-What do you mean?

Titty Tokens? What are we supposed to do with Titty Tokens?

-Shit, it looks so bloody real.

-Look, Don, just go, will you?

But I...

If you're not going to use those...

Cheers...thanks.

Come on! Look, as if they'd let you in!

They have a very strict shoe policy...

Fine.

DOORBELL

Oh, hello, Brian.

So who are you today? Jekyll or Hyde?

Don, I'm so sorry.

I have absolutely no idea what happened.

You were a maniac last night.

I told you I didn't want to drink. It sends me loopy.

-I stopped drinking after my 18th birthday.

-Was that VE day?

Ha-ha-ha(!) Me and my pals drank a ton of cider.

I ended up shopping at Tesco's.

-What's so weird about that?

-I was naked.

Ah.

-Have you been out all night?

-Yeah. I woke up on a curb.

Aw, I used to date a girl who did that.

-Susan dumped me.

-That's good, isn't it? Weren't you looking for a way out?

Don't you see? She'd rather live on the streets than go out with me.

It's the cuss of all cusses - dumped by a tramp.

Don, is Brian with you?

Don't tell Sam about last night. Please.

I don't know. I don't like lying.

Yes, you do! You love lying!

Hey, guys, how was last night?

Have you only just got in?

-You'll never guess what Brian got up to last night?

-What?

He slept on the sofa.

In his clothes. He's nuts.

Hello.

Oh!

-Sambuca?

-Yeah...

We all did one little shot. Just for fun.

Huh.

So where's Eddie?

Oh, shit!

I promised my friend Don I wouldn't leave here until he got back.

Ooh, do you want a hand with that?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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