Don Does Therapy How Not To Live Your Life

I went out shopping with Sam today.

We were having a nice time, but then she mentioned her boyfriend.

Oh, I told Brian that I'd throw him a party at the house.

-Why?

-Because it's his birthday.

No, why did you tell him that?

-Should have asked me first.

-But you love parties.

Other people's parties, when you can trash their house and leave.

Oh, come on, it's a party, it'll be fun.

OK. I give you permission.

Good. Because I've already invited loads of people.

Is this queue even moving?

I'm going to that vintage shop, shall I meet you at the cafe in an hour?

An hour and five.

'Queuing is definitely one of my least favourite things to do.'

This programme contains some strong language.

I've got a bomb!

SCREAMING

And sleep.

# Do-do-do Come on and do the conga!

# Do-do-do... #

Come on, move it, move it!

I've got a boner.

Next.

Sorry.

-Are you paying by cash or credit card?

-Credit card.

I'm sorry, the machine's broken.

I'm afraid you'll have to use the next till. Sorry.

I've got a bomb!

I was on my way to meet Sam when I bumped into Brian. Jesus!

I mean, literally bumped into him.

Bri, sorry.

Oh, heya, Don.

Can someone call an ambulance? An elderly's taken a tumble.

I'm all right, honestly.

-Ooh, what's this, then?

-No, don't...

-Wow.

-It's disgusting. They should never have made it legal for queers to marry.

Get up, will you? I've got a rep in this town.

You won't say anything about this to Sam, will you? It's meant to be a surprise.

-You're going to propose to her?

-Yes, I'm going to pop the question at my birthday party.

She'll never suspect it then.

Ooh, you better hide that quickly.

Please, Don, promise you won't say anything.

-Hey, you two.

-Hey, sweet pea.

-Hey, Sammy.

-OK, what's going on?

Nothing. We're just...

Shooting the breeze, hey, Don?

-Yeah.

-No, you're both behaving differently.

-No, we're not.

Brian, you're old.

Ah, Don, but what's old age when you consider the alternatives?

See? Just being our classics selves.

Hmm.

'It's weird. Finding out about Brian proposing to Sam made me realise I still had feelings for her.'

-Me.

-You all right?

'I decided to subtly sound her out, see if I still had a chance with her.'

-So... Happy with how things are with you and Bri?

-Why?

Do you ever think about us?

What?

Us. You know, how we almost got it on once. What might have happened?

Don, we've been down this road before. It would never have worked.

You have too many issues.

-Excuse me, madam, but I don't have any issues.

-I could name a dozen.

-You think you could name ten? Well, fine, be my guest, shoot.

-OK.

One, you're afraid of commitment.

Could we do this alphabetically, it won't seem like there's as many.

Two, you have no attention span.

-Fine, stick with numbers.

-Three, you're self-obsessed.

-Wow, you're really ploughing through these.

-Four, you're vain.

-No, I'm not.

-Five, you have slightly crooked teeth.

Ow. You evil bitch.

-See. Six...

-Six? Sorry, you're already at six?

-You don't listen to other people. Seven.

-Whoa, shush, shush now.

These aren't issues, they're just charming foobles.

Eight, you use words that you don't understand. It's foibles, you dick.

OK, answer me this.

What's so special about Brian?

Nine, when you're in a corner like this, you turn it back on me.

I'm genuinely fascinated.

What's so great about him?

Well, he's smart and reliable.

-You sound like you're describing a car.

-And funny.

-Some cars are funny.

-And I love him.

Do you?

Yeah.

-Hmm.

-Anyway, why are you bringing all this up?

-What's all this about?

-No reason.

It doesn't matter.

By the way, you didn't get to ten.

When I think of it, I'll be sure to tell you, believe me.

I guess I never took their relationship seriously.

I thought they would've split up by now.

I chase Abby for years and get nowhere.

Now I've blown it with Sam.

I mean, anyone would think I'm rubbish with chicks.

I'll pretend I didn't see that.

Well, maybe you need to change your approach.

-What?

-I'm just saying, "chicks"

is a derogatory term. Women might think you're sexist.

That's ridiculous. I've got nothing against sex, I love it.

Have you considered seeing a therapist?

Whoa, there, babyface, I'm not insane.

-You don't have to be insane to be in therapy.

-But it helps!

Speaking to someone who has an objective view can be really useful. I do it all the time.

-Really?

-Absolulu.

Mrs Treacher always says, "Life is like a box of chocolates.

"You start with a tasty full pack and then slowly all the good stuff goes

"until you're left with the crap that no-one else wants."

I don't know what's wrong with her, she so pessimistic.

It's great. I always feel loads lighter afterwards.

Hmm. Therapy, eh?

At least work's been fun recently.

A new exhibition just opened. That's not oil on canvas.

That's in fact ketchup on canvas.

He uses food in everything he does. Mmm.

-What did you say the artist's name was?

-His name is Richard Sumwun.

Oh, this is a joke, you should at least know his name.

Yeah, I just said, Richard Sumwun. Look.

So rude.

This is a fascinating piece by Sumwun.

It's made entirely of confectionery.

Should you be eating his work?

Probably not, no.

It's nice.

Now, I would show you the chocolate badger - that's not a euphemism by the way...

OK.

But, unfortunately, it was stolen earlier, so no can do.

You lot, take a little wander, I'll be back to get you in a second.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Come for a swim. What do you think we're doing here, you idiot?

-So, this is all Sumwun's work.

-Yes, his name's Richard Sumwun.

I just said that. He's an old friend of mine.

Really, you're friends with Sumwun?

-Yes, I've got friends, Don.

-But you're friends with Sumwun?

If you don't mind, we might just look around ourselves.

Why have you left your group?

All right, Jase, jeez.

What is it, time of the month?

Somebody keeps eating all of Sumwun's work and it's doing my head in.

And they've taken the chocolate badger.

Yeah. I caught a kid licking his sweet cock earlier.

Just keep your eyes peeled, OK?

Hey, I'm on it.

Pssst!

Hello, matey.

-Can we have a word?

-Shoot.

Um... Don't know how to say this.

Look, you work in psychology and shit, right?

Just psychology.

Ha, very funny. But seriously.

You know therapists, yeah?

-You want to see a therapist?

-Ssshh!

No, no, not for me.

No, it's for...him.

He's nuts in the mind.

So you want me to recommend someone to you, for him?

That's it, yeah.

I know just the person for HIS kind of issues.

How do you know what his issues are?

Fear of intimacy, fear of commitment, never knew his parents.

Yeah, that's it!

-Shit, you're good at this.

-His name's Craig Pearson.

He will be perfect for you, Don.

You won't tell anyone about this, will you?

You're holding one hell of a secret for me, it's the least I can do.

'And so I made an appointment to see this shrink, Craig Pearson.

'Don't tell anyone, yeah?'

It really would help if I could see your eyes.

You don't trust this process, do you?

What makes you say that?

-Well, for a start, you gave a false name to my receptionist.

-No, I didn't.

So your name's Rajesh, is it?

Yeah! 'Damn, this guy was good.'

You know, there's this thing we call doctor-patient confidentiality.

So, whatever happens in this room stays in this room.

Right.

Well, what if I was sat here with my eyes closed and you tried kissing my penis?

Could I tell on you, or does that stay in this room, too?

No, you would be able to tell on me, because that would be improper.

-Are you worried that I'm going to kiss your penis?

-No.

Do you want to kiss my penis?

No.

Why did you come here, Rajesh?

-I'm not nuts in the mind, if that's what you're asking.

-That's not what I'm asking.

OK, well...

I've been having a bit of lady pain recently.

I've been thinking that maybe, just maybe, I'm doing something wrong in the love department.

I know, I know. Crazy!

Tell me a bit about your upbringing, childhood, etc.

OK, but I'm not like all the crazy people you see in here.

I'm not going to start flinging my bum rubbish at the walls.

OK, well, I never knew my mother.

She died during childbirth.

Hmm. And your father?

He also died. During childbirth.

So, you never knew your parents?

SOBBING: No, I didn't!

Ah, Jesus Christ! I never knew them.

Argh!

ARGH!

Argh! Mummy!

Ah, Daddy!

Mmm, mmm, mmm!

Right, time's up.

What?

I thought we had 50 minutes.

Been and gone, I'm afraid.

Wow! That was amazing.

I feel like I just ejaculated my feelings all over you.

Now I'm all warm and fuzzy.

-When can I come back?

-Well, Rajesh, normally I suggest...

-Tomorrow?

-That you come back...

-Tomorrow?

-No, every...

-Day?

-No, every...

-Other?

-No, Rajesh, no!

I'm sorry.

Look, if you want to come tomorrow, that's fine.

We'll see how that works. OK?

I love you.

Hey guys, Guess whose birthday it is today?

Terry Nutkins'?

-Erm, no.

-Happy birthday, Brian.

-Thanks, Don.

-So, did they send you your free bus pass?

No, but I got a lovely letter from the Queen!

-Actually, Brian, I did get you a little something.

-Aww!

Yeah.

There you go. Towards a pint.

-Oh, thanks.

-He doesn't drink, Don.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Well, just download a song on iTunes from me.

Thanks, Don, that's very kind of you.

We've got our costumes for the party.

-Do you know what you're coming as?

-You never said it was fancy dress.

-Ten - you hate fancy dress parties.

-That doesn't count. Loads of people hate them.

How could anyone hate fancy dress?

Hey you!

Sorry, I thought you were someone else. Yeah!

Look, I've got to say, Great mask.

I mean, it's really convincing.

This isn't a mask?

Hey, Eddie, keep Nigel busy. I'm going to flirt with his girlfriend.

-She's been giving the eyes all night.

-There you go, Don.

And one for you, Nigel.

You're inconsiderate, ugly and I can't believe you have turned up in the same costume as me.

Oh.

Anyway, I never know who to go as.

-Don't be a killjoy.

-Ooh, yeah, maybe I'll go as killjoy.

-Who?

-Robert Killjoy-Silk.

-The orange TV presenter.

-That's Kilroy, not killjoy.

And besides, you have to come with someone.

-The theme is famous movie double acts.

-Or couples.

-Come on, you.

-Let's dump this.

-I hate fancy dress, too.

What are you complaining about?

You don't even need a costume, and you can go as loads of people.

Gollum, Dobby, Ronnie Corbett, Alf, ET.

It's couples, remember.

Oh, yeah.

Jimmy Krankie?

In order to move forward, I need you to be open with me.

Are you prepared to do that?

Yes.

-Yes, I am.

-Good.

So. What's your actual name?

Rajesh Patel.

Yes, but your real name is?

Rajesh Patel?

OK.

You came here before.

You said you were having some lady pain.

-What is it?

-Can I go to the toilet, please?

Of course. You don't need to put your hand up.

-Put everything on hold, yeah?

-This is your own time you're eating up.

-I have an appointment straight after.

-I'm paying a fortune for this.

Don't want to eat up 20 minutes.

The difference between Sam and Abby is, I actually got to know Sam.

She wasn't just a fantasy, like Abby was.

We had a proper connection.

I've never had a proper connection with a girl before.

I know that it sounds gay, but that kiss with Sam was the best kiss I've ever had.

Except for my first kiss, obviously.

That was something else. I was 12.

She was 42.

Mrs Prendergast was her name.

She taught me geography.

Well, not for long. She was fired for statutory rape.

SPLASH IN TOILET

-Are you still there?

-Yes.

This is actually very therapeutic.

You know, when I was 13, I could suck my own prick.

Don't know how.

Probably something to do with the way my body was growing.

You often talk about your penis.

-Are you aware of that?

-Yeah, well.

We've spent a lot of time together. Haven't we?

Don?

-We're closing up.

-Um, I'm just checking everything's done.

Well, everything's done all right. Sumwun's pulling this exhibition.

People keep eating his work.

But I put... Somebody put the chocolate badger back.

Yeah, well, who ever it was bit its face off, munched on its groin.

-Why are you still here?

-Brian's going to propose to Sam tonight. In my house.

She's probably going to make a terrible mistake by saying yes.

I don't want to be there to witness it.

Right. See you Monday.

Yeah, see you later.

-Can't believe I'm doing this. Don!

-What?

You like this girl, right?

Yeah. But it's too late. I've already blown it.

Not if he hasn't proposed yet. Why don't you go over and tell her how you feel?

-I can't.

-Why?

Cos it's a fancy dress party and I haven't got a costume.

-I'm sure you can chuck something together.

-Yeah, but...

-What would we go as?

-Woah! What do you mean "we"?

Well, the theme's double-acts.

-No way.

-Come on, we'd be great together.

We could go as Lethal Weapon.

Just cos I'm black and you're white?

-No, because I'm a maverick and you're boring.

-Do you want my help?

Sorry.

Come on, please. I really like her.

Please.

-OK.

-Yes!

-I'll come with you.

Excellent. So, Lethal Weapon, yeah?

It's just a bit predictable.

Not necessarily...

Wow! Look at you guys!

-Sorry, who are you meant to be?

-We're Riggs and Murtough

from Lethal Weapon.

Oh yeah! But you're Danny Glover so you must be...?

Regretting this?

Can I offer you a drink, Master Glover?

-C3PO at your service.

-It's great!

I've never noticed it before, but you are actually a gay robot.

It's amazing! Treacher must be with you, right?

Yes, she looks wonderful. Here she is.

-All right.

-Shouldn't you be R2D2?

Yeah! Why are you dressed as Yoda?

I thought you'd like it, you always saying I look like her.

-Her? Have either of you even seen Star Wars?

-Oh, fuck off.

I'd better go and mingle.

I need to get the drinks.

Brian seems like a nice guy.

Don't say that! I'm about to try and break them up and confess my feelings to his girlfriend.

-Where is she?

-I don't know.

Ah, there she is.

Wow! I see why you're so keen now.

Oi! Hands off, Riggs. She's mine.

No, she's not. She's Brian's.

All right, wise guy.

-You're a teacher as well, then?

-No.

-Are you not?

-No.

-Hey!

-Hi!

-Right...

-Er... It's me.

-Don!

-Yeah.

Well, Danny Glover, actually.

Oh, my God, you look amazing!

No, you look amazing!

Don't! Don, this is Craig.

So it's Don, not Rajesh then?

-Craig?

-Rajesh?

-How are you, Don?

-Do you two know each other?

-No!

Yeah, but not really...

OK. Weirdo.

I'm going to get another drink. I'll catch up with you later, Don.

What's he doing here?

He's a friend of Brian's. What's your problem?

No problem, no, it just...annoys me that he came as Avatar.

Not that again!

Don, I told you at the time, I don't care if you think it's a rip-off of Dances With Wolves.

It was a rip-off.

'I couldn't believe my therapist was here.

'I had to make sure he wasn't going to tell Brian about me.

'He knew all about my feelings for Sam.' What are you doing here?

I was invited here by Samantha.

Oh, sorry, I thought you were...

You know someone else has come as that?

Oh! You thought I was Craig?

How funny! No, he's my partner.

We're the Na'vi couple.

-Right.

-We had a tiny row before we left about who would be Neytiri.

-Whatever.

-You know, the female Na'vi?

Here he is, Donny Glover.

Why did you invite Craig Pearson?

I didn't, Sam did. What's the problem?

This is very weird for me.

-He's my...therapist.

-I know.

I'm the one who suggested him.

He knows stuff about me. Stuff I don't want people knowing.

He's a professional, he's not going to say anything.

I'm thinking of popping the question to Sam in a minute. What do you think?

Er... No, no, no.

Give it half an hour.

But she's starting to get drunk. Better to do it before...

You know how she...gets.

-Have you spoken to her yet?

-Back off all right, I've got a lot on my plate!

I was only asking! I'm here doing you a favour, remember!

We are so like Lethal Weapon - it's brilliant.

-Hey.

-Hello! One second...

-Yeah but I've...

-Yeah, I'll be back in a minute.

Why are you here?

-Sam said I could help myself to a drink.

-It's you again.

Do you want me to put it back?

Sam, can I have a quick word?

MUSIC STARTS

Oh! I love this one!

Want one?

-Nice little sharpener.

-Holy batty sleeves.

That's something I never thought I'd see.

Have you seen a Na'vi round here?

He's in there.

-Why did you come here?

-Because I needed to poop.

God, it's always you!

Have I done something to upset you?

Wow. How did you do that? That's like transportation.

-Are you OK, Don?

-Craig?

-Yes.

-I thought you were Alan.

-So you've met my husband then?

-Yeah. You never told me you were gay.

-Does that matter?

-No, of course not.

-You haven't spoken to Brian about me, have you?

-What do you mean?

The stuff we talk about in our sessions, sucking my own penis, scared of women taller than me.

Oh, and the Sam that I mentioned in therapy isn't the same Sam that Brian's seeing.

Don, I take the confidentiality rule very seriously.

Yeah, but what if you get drunk?

-Come on, Craig. We're going.

-Why?

He doesn't want me here.

What? Don't be silly!

-Why do you keep asking why I'm here? Why do you keep following me and being rude?

-Oh, come on.

Don't throw another hissy fit.

Another hissy fit?

How would you like it if your partner suggested you should be

the female because, and I quote, your body is more feminine than mine?

I'm just going to go this way.

You have curvier hips, that's all.

It's not a bad thing.

You're saying I'm fat. I know it.

I am well in there with those two although I'm a bit worried

they only like me because they think I'm white.

I'm sure that's not true. They'll be fine when you tell them you're black.

-Don, I was joking.

-Oh.

Maybe I should just leave it.

-So all of this was for nothing?

-What if she doesn't feel the same?

-Then it'll be really awkward living with her.

-It doesn't matter.

-She says yes to him, she won't be living here.

-I knew it.

He promised he wouldn't say anything but he just couldn't resist.

-Hey. We need to talk.

-In a minute.

-Please, it won't take long.

What is it?

-Let's go outside.

-Whatever you've got to say, just say it here.

I can't. It needs to be in private and it needs to be now.

-Because?

-Because Brian's about to propose to you...

-Don!

-Shit.

-Is this a joke?

-I thought we had a deal.

-So did I, but you and Craig couldn't resist.

-Resist what?

-Can someone please tell me what's going on?

-Talking shop!

Gossiping about me and my issues.

Is that why you suggested him to me?

So you could both have a laugh?

-I thought you were meant to be a decent guy, Brian.

-Are you finished?

This is Alan, that's Craig.

-Hi, Don.

-What? No, no, no. I...I saw you both talking about me.

You kept pointing at me.

I was telling him how you've been picking on me all night.

He was worried you might be a homophobe.

I'm not! I'm not.

I even tried being gay once.

I let Sam's brother suck me off.

-What?

-Nothing.

Tried being gay.

Alan, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you.

You be as gay as you like.

And Brian, I'm really sorry.

Come on, hey, wooh, let's get the party going! Come on.

So, it's true?

You were going to propose to me?

Come on, let's talk outside.

And by the way, Don. Ten - you are a total arse.

I think we should up our sessions to twice a week.

I think we should down them to none a week, thank you very much.

Come on, be honest. Do I look like a prick now?

Of course you do - you're blacked up.

No, because of what just happened.

Oh. Probably.

Sorry, I feel partly responsible.

Partly?

-Don.

-Thanks, Eddie.

Do you think he's still going to propose to her?

# I can read the signs Stay right with it

# When the road unwinds

# I can handle whatever

# I stumble upon

# I don't even notice... #

I'm too old for this shit.

# Most of the time

# Most of the time

# It's well understood most of the time

# I wouldn't change it if I could... #