Don Does Therapy How Not To Live Your Life


Don Does Therapy

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I went out shopping with Sam today.

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We were having a nice time, but then she mentioned her boyfriend.

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Oh, I told Brian that I'd throw him a party at the house.

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-Why?

-Because it's his birthday.

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No, why did you tell him that?

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-Should have asked me first.

-But you love parties.

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Other people's parties, when you can trash their house and leave.

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Oh, come on, it's a party, it'll be fun.

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OK. I give you permission.

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Good. Because I've already invited loads of people.

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Is this queue even moving?

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I'm going to that vintage shop, shall I meet you at the cafe in an hour?

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An hour and five.

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'Queuing is definitely one of my least favourite things to do.'

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This programme contains some strong language.

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I've got a bomb!

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SCREAMING

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And sleep.

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# Do-do-do Come on and do the conga!

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# Do-do-do... #

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Come on, move it, move it!

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I've got a boner.

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Next.

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Sorry.

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-Are you paying by cash or credit card?

-Credit card.

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I'm sorry, the machine's broken.

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I'm afraid you'll have to use the next till. Sorry.

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I've got a bomb!

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I was on my way to meet Sam when I bumped into Brian. Jesus!

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I mean, literally bumped into him.

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Bri, sorry.

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Oh, heya, Don.

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Can someone call an ambulance? An elderly's taken a tumble.

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I'm all right, honestly.

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-Ooh, what's this, then?

-No, don't...

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-Wow.

-It's disgusting. They should never have made it legal for queers to marry.

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Get up, will you? I've got a rep in this town.

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You won't say anything about this to Sam, will you? It's meant to be a surprise.

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-You're going to propose to her?

-Yes, I'm going to pop the question at my birthday party.

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She'll never suspect it then.

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Ooh, you better hide that quickly.

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Please, Don, promise you won't say anything.

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-Hey, you two.

-Hey, sweet pea.

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-Hey, Sammy.

-OK, what's going on?

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Nothing. We're just...

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Shooting the breeze, hey, Don?

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-Yeah.

-No, you're both behaving differently.

-No, we're not.

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Brian, you're old.

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Ah, Don, but what's old age when you consider the alternatives?

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See? Just being our classics selves.

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Hmm.

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'It's weird. Finding out about Brian proposing to Sam made me realise I still had feelings for her.'

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-Me.

-You all right?

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'I decided to subtly sound her out, see if I still had a chance with her.'

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-So... Happy with how things are with you and Bri?

-Why?

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Do you ever think about us?

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What?

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Us. You know, how we almost got it on once. What might have happened?

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Don, we've been down this road before. It would never have worked.

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You have too many issues.

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-Excuse me, madam, but I don't have any issues.

-I could name a dozen.

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-You think you could name ten? Well, fine, be my guest, shoot.

-OK.

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One, you're afraid of commitment.

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Could we do this alphabetically, it won't seem like there's as many.

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Two, you have no attention span.

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-Fine, stick with numbers.

-Three, you're self-obsessed.

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-Wow, you're really ploughing through these.

-Four, you're vain.

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-No, I'm not.

-Five, you have slightly crooked teeth.

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Ow. You evil bitch.

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-See. Six...

-Six? Sorry, you're already at six?

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-You don't listen to other people. Seven.

-Whoa, shush, shush now.

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These aren't issues, they're just charming foobles.

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Eight, you use words that you don't understand. It's foibles, you dick.

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OK, answer me this.

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What's so special about Brian?

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Nine, when you're in a corner like this, you turn it back on me.

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I'm genuinely fascinated.

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What's so great about him?

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Well, he's smart and reliable.

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-You sound like you're describing a car.

-And funny.

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-Some cars are funny.

-And I love him.

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Do you?

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Yeah.

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-Hmm.

-Anyway, why are you bringing all this up?

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-What's all this about?

-No reason.

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It doesn't matter.

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By the way, you didn't get to ten.

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When I think of it, I'll be sure to tell you, believe me.

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I guess I never took their relationship seriously.

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I thought they would've split up by now.

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I chase Abby for years and get nowhere.

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Now I've blown it with Sam.

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I mean, anyone would think I'm rubbish with chicks.

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I'll pretend I didn't see that.

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Well, maybe you need to change your approach.

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-What?

-I'm just saying, "chicks"

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is a derogatory term. Women might think you're sexist.

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That's ridiculous. I've got nothing against sex, I love it.

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Have you considered seeing a therapist?

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Whoa, there, babyface, I'm not insane.

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-You don't have to be insane to be in therapy.

-But it helps!

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Speaking to someone who has an objective view can be really useful. I do it all the time.

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-Really?

-Absolulu.

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Mrs Treacher always says, "Life is like a box of chocolates.

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"You start with a tasty full pack and then slowly all the good stuff goes

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"until you're left with the crap that no-one else wants."

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I don't know what's wrong with her, she so pessimistic.

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It's great. I always feel loads lighter afterwards.

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Hmm. Therapy, eh?

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At least work's been fun recently.

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A new exhibition just opened. That's not oil on canvas.

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That's in fact ketchup on canvas.

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He uses food in everything he does. Mmm.

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-What did you say the artist's name was?

-His name is Richard Sumwun.

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Oh, this is a joke, you should at least know his name.

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Yeah, I just said, Richard Sumwun. Look.

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So rude.

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This is a fascinating piece by Sumwun.

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It's made entirely of confectionery.

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Should you be eating his work?

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Probably not, no.

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It's nice.

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Now, I would show you the chocolate badger - that's not a euphemism by the way...

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OK.

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But, unfortunately, it was stolen earlier, so no can do.

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You lot, take a little wander, I'll be back to get you in a second.

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Hey, what are you doing here?

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Come for a swim. What do you think we're doing here, you idiot?

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-So, this is all Sumwun's work.

-Yes, his name's Richard Sumwun.

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I just said that. He's an old friend of mine.

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Really, you're friends with Sumwun?

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-Yes, I've got friends, Don.

-But you're friends with Sumwun?

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If you don't mind, we might just look around ourselves.

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Why have you left your group?

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All right, Jase, jeez.

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What is it, time of the month?

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Somebody keeps eating all of Sumwun's work and it's doing my head in.

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And they've taken the chocolate badger.

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Yeah. I caught a kid licking his sweet cock earlier.

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Just keep your eyes peeled, OK?

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Hey, I'm on it.

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Pssst!

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Hello, matey.

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-Can we have a word?

-Shoot.

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Um... Don't know how to say this.

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Look, you work in psychology and shit, right?

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Just psychology.

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Ha, very funny. But seriously.

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You know therapists, yeah?

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-You want to see a therapist?

-Ssshh!

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No, no, not for me.

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No, it's for...him.

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He's nuts in the mind.

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So you want me to recommend someone to you, for him?

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That's it, yeah.

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I know just the person for HIS kind of issues.

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How do you know what his issues are?

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Fear of intimacy, fear of commitment, never knew his parents.

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Yeah, that's it!

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-Shit, you're good at this.

-His name's Craig Pearson.

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He will be perfect for you, Don.

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You won't tell anyone about this, will you?

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You're holding one hell of a secret for me, it's the least I can do.

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'And so I made an appointment to see this shrink, Craig Pearson.

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'Don't tell anyone, yeah?'

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It really would help if I could see your eyes.

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You don't trust this process, do you?

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What makes you say that?

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-Well, for a start, you gave a false name to my receptionist.

-No, I didn't.

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So your name's Rajesh, is it?

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Yeah! 'Damn, this guy was good.'

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You know, there's this thing we call doctor-patient confidentiality.

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So, whatever happens in this room stays in this room.

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Right.

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Well, what if I was sat here with my eyes closed and you tried kissing my penis?

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Could I tell on you, or does that stay in this room, too?

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No, you would be able to tell on me, because that would be improper.

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-Are you worried that I'm going to kiss your penis?

-No.

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Do you want to kiss my penis?

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No.

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Why did you come here, Rajesh?

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-I'm not nuts in the mind, if that's what you're asking.

-That's not what I'm asking.

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OK, well...

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I've been having a bit of lady pain recently.

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I've been thinking that maybe, just maybe, I'm doing something wrong in the love department.

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I know, I know. Crazy!

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Tell me a bit about your upbringing, childhood, etc.

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OK, but I'm not like all the crazy people you see in here.

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I'm not going to start flinging my bum rubbish at the walls.

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OK, well, I never knew my mother.

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She died during childbirth.

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Hmm. And your father?

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He also died. During childbirth.

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So, you never knew your parents?

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SOBBING: No, I didn't!

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Ah, Jesus Christ! I never knew them.

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Argh!

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ARGH!

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Argh! Mummy!

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Ah, Daddy!

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Mmm, mmm, mmm!

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Right, time's up.

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What?

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I thought we had 50 minutes.

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Been and gone, I'm afraid.

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Wow! That was amazing.

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I feel like I just ejaculated my feelings all over you.

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Now I'm all warm and fuzzy.

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-When can I come back?

-Well, Rajesh, normally I suggest...

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-Tomorrow?

-That you come back...

-Tomorrow?

-No, every...

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-Day?

-No, every...

-Other?

-No, Rajesh, no!

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I'm sorry.

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Look, if you want to come tomorrow, that's fine.

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We'll see how that works. OK?

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I love you.

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Hey guys, Guess whose birthday it is today?

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Terry Nutkins'?

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-Erm, no.

-Happy birthday, Brian.

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-Thanks, Don.

-So, did they send you your free bus pass?

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No, but I got a lovely letter from the Queen!

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-Actually, Brian, I did get you a little something.

-Aww!

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Yeah.

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There you go. Towards a pint.

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-Oh, thanks.

-He doesn't drink, Don.

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Oh, yeah. Sorry.

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Well, just download a song on iTunes from me.

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Thanks, Don, that's very kind of you.

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We've got our costumes for the party.

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-Do you know what you're coming as?

-You never said it was fancy dress.

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-Ten - you hate fancy dress parties.

-That doesn't count. Loads of people hate them.

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How could anyone hate fancy dress?

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Hey you!

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Sorry, I thought you were someone else. Yeah!

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Look, I've got to say, Great mask.

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I mean, it's really convincing.

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This isn't a mask?

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Hey, Eddie, keep Nigel busy. I'm going to flirt with his girlfriend.

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-She's been giving the eyes all night.

-There you go, Don.

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And one for you, Nigel.

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You're inconsiderate, ugly and I can't believe you have turned up in the same costume as me.

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Oh.

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Anyway, I never know who to go as.

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-Don't be a killjoy.

-Ooh, yeah, maybe I'll go as killjoy.

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-Who?

-Robert Killjoy-Silk.

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-The orange TV presenter.

-That's Kilroy, not killjoy.

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And besides, you have to come with someone.

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-The theme is famous movie double acts.

-Or couples.

-Come on, you.

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-Let's dump this.

-I hate fancy dress, too.

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What are you complaining about?

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You don't even need a costume, and you can go as loads of people.

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Gollum, Dobby, Ronnie Corbett, Alf, ET.

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It's couples, remember.

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Oh, yeah.

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Jimmy Krankie?

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In order to move forward, I need you to be open with me.

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Are you prepared to do that?

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Yes.

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-Yes, I am.

-Good.

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So. What's your actual name?

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Rajesh Patel.

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Yes, but your real name is?

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Rajesh Patel?

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OK.

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You came here before.

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You said you were having some lady pain.

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-What is it?

-Can I go to the toilet, please?

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Of course. You don't need to put your hand up.

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-Put everything on hold, yeah?

-This is your own time you're eating up.

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-I have an appointment straight after.

-I'm paying a fortune for this.

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Don't want to eat up 20 minutes.

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The difference between Sam and Abby is, I actually got to know Sam.

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She wasn't just a fantasy, like Abby was.

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We had a proper connection.

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I've never had a proper connection with a girl before.

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I know that it sounds gay, but that kiss with Sam was the best kiss I've ever had.

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Except for my first kiss, obviously.

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That was something else. I was 12.

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She was 42.

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Mrs Prendergast was her name.

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She taught me geography.

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Well, not for long. She was fired for statutory rape.

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SPLASH IN TOILET

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-Are you still there?

-Yes.

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This is actually very therapeutic.

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You know, when I was 13, I could suck my own prick.

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Don't know how.

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Probably something to do with the way my body was growing.

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You often talk about your penis.

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-Are you aware of that?

-Yeah, well.

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We've spent a lot of time together. Haven't we?

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Don?

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-We're closing up.

-Um, I'm just checking everything's done.

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Well, everything's done all right. Sumwun's pulling this exhibition.

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People keep eating his work.

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But I put... Somebody put the chocolate badger back.

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Yeah, well, who ever it was bit its face off, munched on its groin.

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-Why are you still here?

-Brian's going to propose to Sam tonight. In my house.

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She's probably going to make a terrible mistake by saying yes.

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I don't want to be there to witness it.

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Right. See you Monday.

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Yeah, see you later.

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-Can't believe I'm doing this. Don!

-What?

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You like this girl, right?

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Yeah. But it's too late. I've already blown it.

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Not if he hasn't proposed yet. Why don't you go over and tell her how you feel?

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-I can't.

-Why?

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Cos it's a fancy dress party and I haven't got a costume.

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-I'm sure you can chuck something together.

-Yeah, but...

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-What would we go as?

-Woah! What do you mean "we"?

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Well, the theme's double-acts.

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-No way.

-Come on, we'd be great together.

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We could go as Lethal Weapon.

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Just cos I'm black and you're white?

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-No, because I'm a maverick and you're boring.

-Do you want my help?

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Sorry.

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Come on, please. I really like her.

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Please.

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-OK.

-Yes!

-I'll come with you.

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Excellent. So, Lethal Weapon, yeah?

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It's just a bit predictable.

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Not necessarily...

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Wow! Look at you guys!

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-Sorry, who are you meant to be?

-We're Riggs and Murtough

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from Lethal Weapon.

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Oh yeah! But you're Danny Glover so you must be...?

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Regretting this?

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Can I offer you a drink, Master Glover?

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-C3PO at your service.

-It's great!

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I've never noticed it before, but you are actually a gay robot.

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It's amazing! Treacher must be with you, right?

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Yes, she looks wonderful. Here she is.

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-All right.

-Shouldn't you be R2D2?

0:18:480:18:52

Yeah! Why are you dressed as Yoda?

0:18:520:18:54

I thought you'd like it, you always saying I look like her.

0:18:540:18:57

-Her? Have either of you even seen Star Wars?

-Oh, fuck off.

0:18:570:19:01

I'd better go and mingle.

0:19:010:19:03

I need to get the drinks.

0:19:030:19:06

Brian seems like a nice guy.

0:19:060:19:07

Don't say that! I'm about to try and break them up and confess my feelings to his girlfriend.

0:19:070:19:12

-Where is she?

-I don't know.

0:19:120:19:14

Ah, there she is.

0:19:150:19:18

Wow! I see why you're so keen now.

0:19:180:19:21

Oi! Hands off, Riggs. She's mine.

0:19:210:19:24

No, she's not. She's Brian's.

0:19:240:19:26

All right, wise guy.

0:19:260:19:28

-You're a teacher as well, then?

-No.

-Are you not?

-No.

0:19:300:19:33

-Hey!

-Hi!

0:19:330:19:37

-Right...

-Er... It's me.

0:19:370:19:42

-Don!

-Yeah.

0:19:420:19:43

Well, Danny Glover, actually.

0:19:430:19:45

Oh, my God, you look amazing!

0:19:450:19:48

No, you look amazing!

0:19:480:19:50

Don't! Don, this is Craig.

0:19:500:19:52

So it's Don, not Rajesh then?

0:19:520:19:55

-Craig?

-Rajesh?

-How are you, Don?

0:19:550:19:59

-Do you two know each other?

-No!

0:19:590:20:01

Yeah, but not really...

0:20:010:20:04

OK. Weirdo.

0:20:040:20:07

I'm going to get another drink. I'll catch up with you later, Don.

0:20:070:20:10

What's he doing here?

0:20:120:20:13

He's a friend of Brian's. What's your problem?

0:20:130:20:16

No problem, no, it just...annoys me that he came as Avatar.

0:20:160:20:22

Not that again!

0:20:220:20:24

Don, I told you at the time, I don't care if you think it's a rip-off of Dances With Wolves.

0:20:240:20:29

It was a rip-off.

0:20:310:20:33

'I couldn't believe my therapist was here.

0:20:330:20:37

'I had to make sure he wasn't going to tell Brian about me.

0:20:370:20:39

'He knew all about my feelings for Sam.' What are you doing here?

0:20:390:20:45

I was invited here by Samantha.

0:20:450:20:48

Oh, sorry, I thought you were...

0:20:480:20:51

You know someone else has come as that?

0:20:510:20:54

Oh! You thought I was Craig?

0:20:540:20:57

How funny! No, he's my partner.

0:20:570:21:00

We're the Na'vi couple.

0:21:000:21:02

-Right.

-We had a tiny row before we left about who would be Neytiri.

0:21:020:21:08

-Whatever.

-You know, the female Na'vi?

0:21:080:21:10

Here he is, Donny Glover.

0:21:140:21:16

Why did you invite Craig Pearson?

0:21:160:21:18

I didn't, Sam did. What's the problem?

0:21:180:21:20

This is very weird for me.

0:21:200:21:22

-He's my...therapist.

-I know.

0:21:220:21:24

I'm the one who suggested him.

0:21:240:21:26

He knows stuff about me. Stuff I don't want people knowing.

0:21:260:21:30

He's a professional, he's not going to say anything.

0:21:300:21:33

I'm thinking of popping the question to Sam in a minute. What do you think?

0:21:330:21:37

Er... No, no, no.

0:21:370:21:39

Give it half an hour.

0:21:390:21:41

But she's starting to get drunk. Better to do it before...

0:21:410:21:45

You know how she...gets.

0:21:450:21:48

-Have you spoken to her yet?

-Back off all right, I've got a lot on my plate!

0:21:500:21:53

I was only asking! I'm here doing you a favour, remember!

0:21:530:21:57

We are so like Lethal Weapon - it's brilliant.

0:21:570:22:01

-Hey.

-Hello! One second...

0:22:030:22:06

-Yeah but I've...

-Yeah, I'll be back in a minute.

0:22:060:22:09

Why are you here?

0:22:110:22:12

-Sam said I could help myself to a drink.

-It's you again.

0:22:120:22:16

Do you want me to put it back?

0:22:160:22:18

Sam, can I have a quick word?

0:22:210:22:22

MUSIC STARTS

0:22:220:22:25

Oh! I love this one!

0:22:220:22:25

Want one?

0:22:420:22:43

-Nice little sharpener.

-Holy batty sleeves.

0:22:430:22:46

That's something I never thought I'd see.

0:22:460:22:49

Have you seen a Na'vi round here?

0:22:510:22:53

He's in there.

0:22:530:22:55

-Why did you come here?

-Because I needed to poop.

0:22:580:23:01

God, it's always you!

0:23:010:23:03

Have I done something to upset you?

0:23:030:23:05

Wow. How did you do that? That's like transportation.

0:23:070:23:11

-Are you OK, Don?

-Craig?

0:23:110:23:13

-Yes.

-I thought you were Alan.

0:23:130:23:15

-So you've met my husband then?

-Yeah. You never told me you were gay.

0:23:150:23:18

-Does that matter?

-No, of course not.

0:23:180:23:21

-You haven't spoken to Brian about me, have you?

-What do you mean?

0:23:210:23:24

The stuff we talk about in our sessions, sucking my own penis, scared of women taller than me.

0:23:240:23:30

Oh, and the Sam that I mentioned in therapy isn't the same Sam that Brian's seeing.

0:23:300:23:35

Don, I take the confidentiality rule very seriously.

0:23:350:23:39

Yeah, but what if you get drunk?

0:23:390:23:42

-Come on, Craig. We're going.

-Why?

0:23:420:23:44

He doesn't want me here.

0:23:440:23:46

What? Don't be silly!

0:23:460:23:47

-Why do you keep asking why I'm here? Why do you keep following me and being rude?

-Oh, come on.

0:23:470:23:52

Don't throw another hissy fit.

0:23:520:23:54

Another hissy fit?

0:23:540:23:56

How would you like it if your partner suggested you should be

0:23:560:23:59

the female because, and I quote, your body is more feminine than mine?

0:23:590:24:04

I'm just going to go this way.

0:24:040:24:07

You have curvier hips, that's all.

0:24:070:24:10

It's not a bad thing.

0:24:100:24:12

You're saying I'm fat. I know it.

0:24:120:24:14

I am well in there with those two although I'm a bit worried

0:24:190:24:22

they only like me because they think I'm white.

0:24:220:24:25

I'm sure that's not true. They'll be fine when you tell them you're black.

0:24:250:24:28

-Don, I was joking.

-Oh.

0:24:280:24:31

Maybe I should just leave it.

0:24:320:24:35

-So all of this was for nothing?

-What if she doesn't feel the same?

0:24:350:24:39

-Then it'll be really awkward living with her.

-It doesn't matter.

0:24:390:24:42

-She says yes to him, she won't be living here.

-I knew it.

0:24:420:24:47

He promised he wouldn't say anything but he just couldn't resist.

0:24:470:24:51

-Hey. We need to talk.

-In a minute.

-Please, it won't take long.

0:24:540:24:57

What is it?

0:24:570:24:58

-Let's go outside.

-Whatever you've got to say, just say it here.

0:24:580:25:02

I can't. It needs to be in private and it needs to be now.

0:25:020:25:05

-Because?

-Because Brian's about to propose to you...

0:25:050:25:11

-Don!

-Shit.

-Is this a joke?

0:25:110:25:15

-I thought we had a deal.

-So did I, but you and Craig couldn't resist.

0:25:150:25:19

-Resist what?

-Can someone please tell me what's going on?

-Talking shop!

0:25:190:25:24

Gossiping about me and my issues.

0:25:240:25:26

Is that why you suggested him to me?

0:25:260:25:28

So you could both have a laugh?

0:25:280:25:30

-I thought you were meant to be a decent guy, Brian.

-Are you finished?

0:25:300:25:35

This is Alan, that's Craig.

0:25:350:25:37

-Hi, Don.

-What? No, no, no. I...I saw you both talking about me.

0:25:380:25:43

You kept pointing at me.

0:25:430:25:45

I was telling him how you've been picking on me all night.

0:25:450:25:48

He was worried you might be a homophobe.

0:25:480:25:51

I'm not! I'm not.

0:25:510:25:53

I even tried being gay once.

0:25:530:25:55

I let Sam's brother suck me off.

0:25:550:25:57

-What?

-Nothing.

0:25:570:25:59

Tried being gay.

0:25:590:26:02

Alan, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you.

0:26:020:26:05

You be as gay as you like.

0:26:050:26:07

And Brian, I'm really sorry.

0:26:070:26:12

Come on, hey, wooh, let's get the party going! Come on.

0:26:120:26:17

So, it's true?

0:26:170:26:19

You were going to propose to me?

0:26:190:26:20

Come on, let's talk outside.

0:26:200:26:24

And by the way, Don. Ten - you are a total arse.

0:26:260:26:30

I think we should up our sessions to twice a week.

0:26:330:26:36

I think we should down them to none a week, thank you very much.

0:26:360:26:41

Come on, be honest. Do I look like a prick now?

0:26:440:26:46

Of course you do - you're blacked up.

0:26:460:26:48

No, because of what just happened.

0:26:500:26:52

Oh. Probably.

0:26:520:26:55

Sorry, I feel partly responsible.

0:26:550:26:57

Partly?

0:26:570:26:59

-Don.

-Thanks, Eddie.

0:26:590:27:01

Do you think he's still going to propose to her?

0:27:010:27:04

# I can read the signs Stay right with it

0:27:100:27:15

# When the road unwinds

0:27:160:27:18

# I can handle whatever

0:27:190:27:20

# I stumble upon

0:27:210:27:24

# I don't even notice... #

0:27:250:27:27

I'm too old for this shit.

0:27:290:27:32

# Most of the time

0:27:320:27:34

# Most of the time

0:27:450:27:47

# It's well understood most of the time

0:27:490:27:53

# I wouldn't change it if I could... #

0:27:560:27:58

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