Don the Musical How Not To Live Your Life

This programme contains some strong language

'What's so great about him?'

Well, he's smart and reliable.

You sound like you're describing a car.

You know he likes you.

Finds you...fascinating.

SHE YELPS AND LAUGHS

I've really, really loved hanging out with you for the last few days.

Yeah, me too.

You're going to propose to her?

Yes, I'm going to pop the question at my birthday party.

-Why don't you go and tell her?

-It's fancy dress. I don't have a costume.

Sorry, who are you meant to be?

We're Riggs and Murtaugh, you know, from Lethal Weapon.

What if she doesn't feel the same? It'll be awkward living with her.

-Well, it doesn't matter. If she says yes to him, she won't be living here.

-What is it?

Brian's about to propose to you.

Don!

So, come on, did he propose?

-Yes. He did.

-And what did you say?

I said I'd think about it.

-So, "no" then.

-Not necessarily.

Well, "think about it" hardly suggests "yes", does it?

No, it suggests I'll think about it.

It must be killing him.

I bet he never thought he'd find someone like you at his age.

-Oh, Don, that joke is getting old!

-It's not the only thing getting old.

Oh, you are so annoying.

No wonder your only friend is Rain Man over there.

Oi, cheekbones, that's not very nice.

He's not my ONLY friend.

Anyway, Eddie might be a bit half price, but he's nothing like Rain Man.

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-I'm an excellent driver. Excellent driver.

Look, I'm just saying, either you love Brian, or you don't.

I just want to make sure that we'd be doing it for the right reasons.

We've only been together for a few months.

Yeah, but at his age, time goes all skewiff.

It's like that dog years thing. When you're older, a year can seem like a week.

Or is it the other way around?

-You know, you're not so young yourself.

-Yeah, but I'm not OLD.

No, it's just your receding hairline that makes you look it.

How could you be so evil and hurtful and spiteful?

SHE CHUCKLES

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Of course, I get my underwear from K-Mart. From K-Mart.

-What are you freaks up to?

-Just having a little line run ahead of tonight.

'Eddie belongs to the local theatre club.

'He's been in several productions since he joined.'

You can say it backwards, you know!

Which is docious-ali- expi-listic-fragi-cali-repus.

I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle.

There's just one more thing. My wife loves ya!

Why would I kill the man in the same way I wrote about it in my book?

Nick?

We're doing Rain Man this week. I'm playing the Dustin Hoffman part.

Oh, I love it when I get cast against type.

SHE SNEERS

You are coming tonight, aren't you, Don?

To the theatre? I'd rather stay at home and staple-gun my dick to my balls.

Oh.

But hey, look. We don't have a stapler,

so of course I'll be there.

I've got a stapler I'd be happy to lend you.

Shush your mouth, Gollum.

'And so that night we all went to see Eddie in his silly little play.'

Amtrak train number 36, the Desert Wind, eastbound, now boarding, track number three.

-Very shiny train.

-It sure is.

Now, listen, I'm comin' to see you in two weeks. How many days is that?

Fourteen days from today. Today's Wednesday.

Course, that's 336 hours.

20,160 minutes. 1,209,600 seconds.

Ray, I'll see you soon.

-Yeah. Bet one for bad, two for good.

-Bet two for good.

-Three minutes to Wapner.

-You'll make it.

TRAIN WHISTLES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I will not wear that thong, Louis Walsh!

-Outstanding. Puts Hoffman to shame.

-Talent like that is so attractive.

I'd really like to fuck him.

Strange. Does somebody need their laundry doing?

You were really enjoying yourself up there.

You should be so proud of yourself, Eddie. You were brilliant.

You all enjoyed it? You didn't think it was amateurish?

-Eddie, it made me cry.

-Yeah, all right, Bri. It weren't that bad.

Because I was so moved. It was a wonderful piece of drama.

Yeah, and the women in the audience adored you.

You reminded me of a young Justin Hoffman.

I think you mean Dustin Hoffman.

No. Justin Hoffman!

He's the town drunk who shouts at pigeons outside Tesco's. You're right, he does a bit.

I'm not sure how to take that, Dot.

The poor man's an actual retard.

OK. Night, everyone.

Oh, and well done... Justin Hoffman.

Right, better quickly get all this washing on.

Eddie, this local theatre club of yours?

-Uh-huh?

-Can anyone join?

Abso-lulu. Anyone from the local community, that is.

When do rehearsals start for the next show?

Next week. There's a rumour we're doing Cocktail - The Musical.

Rain Man? Cocktail? What, is it some sort of Tom Cruise season?

Exactly. Some sort of Tom Cruise season.

I wonder if they'll do Eyes Wide Shut?

Oh, no, no, no, no. We tried that a few months ago.

Didn't go down at all well.

AUDIENCE: That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!

This is an outrage!

SEXUAL MOANING

BOOING

Right, I want to join. What do you reckon?

But you hate the theatre.

You said you'd rather staple-gun your penis to its balls.

Look, Eddie, theatre's like male masturbation.

Fun to do, hideous to watch.

I saw all that attention you were getting back there.

There's something about men expressing their gayness on stage

that gives women a fizzy vagenie. I don't know why.

But can you act?

Since when did acting have anything to do with it?

It's about star quality, Eddie.

Not acting. Just take a look at some of the greatest screen legends of the last 30 years.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dolph Lundgren, that French Mastiff from Turner and Hooch.

All terrible actors, yet utterly mesmerising.

Man, that dog was good!

OK, Don. You can come along.

But please, no horseplay.

-Sorry, horseplay?

-Yes, horseplay.

-You're actually genuinely using the phrase horseplay?

-Yeah.

Jesus, Eddie. Sometimes I think you're from the turn of the century.

-What, the year 2000?

-No, no. The one before that.

'I was very excited about becoming an actor.

'And I needed something to take my mind off the whole Brian and Sam situation.'

A special round of applause to Eddie and Randy for their extraordinary performances in Rain Man.

APPLAUSE

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Really, there's no need for applause.

I'm just like you guys.

Well...a bit like you.

Rain Man was a triumph, but now on to our next production, my sweet little puppets!

Now, I have been thinking long and hard, and I've decided that our next production will be...

Wait for it...

Top Gun - The Musical!

Er, excuse me. Excuse me. Over here.

Don't you think we ought to wait for the director to arrive before you start deciding what's what?

Oh, right. Good idea. Yes.

Top Gun it is, then.

Don. That is the director.

Now, I sense a few newcomers...

Whoa, whoa. Sorry, sorry, guys, sorry.

Has no-one else noticed that he's...?

Well, you know he's, er...

-I'm not sure I see what you're saying.

-Exactly my point. No?

Oh, never mind. Jesus!

Before we start divvying up the roles,

why don't we just loosen up and start with some exercises, OK?

So, on your feet, come on, come on.

Excuse me, er... Don Danbury. I'm new.

Ah, always a pleasure to have a newbie in the troupe.

A fresh puppet to place my proverbial hand inside.

I hope proverbial means you won't actually put your hand inside me?

Ha, ha, how funny. I'm Simon Simon Smith.

Nice to meet you.

-Hang on, Simon SIMON Smith?

-Correct.

What, your first name's Simon and your middle name's Simon?

Yes. My mother had a stutter. What can I do for you, poppet?

Are you sure Top Gun's the right way forward here?

-What would you suggest?

-I dunno. One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest?

Been there. It was a travesty!

I told them we should never have done it on ice!

I mean, how was the character in the wheelchair meant to know how to ice skate, huh? Answer me, Donald!

I don't know.

Theatre games!

'Was I being stupid? I mean, how does a blind man direct a musical?'

I get what you're saying. About him.

It's weird, innit? No-one else seems to have a problem with it.

Oh, I've got a problem with it, all right.

I wish his type would just go back home.

Where do blind people come from? Oh...

See you in a minute.

Time to reveal who will be playing whom.

Please be Maverick, please be Maverick.

Yes! I'm Tom Cruise.

I'm Tom mother-loving Cruise.

Oh, right. I'm Goose.

I feel the need.

-BOTH:

-The need for speed!

I wonder who's playing Charlie? The Kelly McGillis role. She's really fit.

As in sexy, not healthy.

I'm just saying she looks nothing like Kelly McGillis.

This is community theatre, Donald.

What if the community don't buy me and her as a couple?

Fuck the community, then! Fuck them all. This is my production.

Too many times has the community interfered with my work.

I should never have done Cuckoo's Nest on ice. A boy died that night!

All right. I'm sure it weren't your fault.

I was the one who skated across his jugular.

-You were in the show?

-Yes. I'm in all my productions.

Holy batty sleeves.

Actually, this tete-a-tete is quite useful.

I'm playing Iceman, you see?

Let's use this tension.

Let's use it!

My God, Don, you look just like Cruise.

Well, thank you very much.

-I want to kiss you on the mouth.

-What?

On with rehearsals, my rancid little puppets!

# Watching in slow motion as you turn around and say

# Take my breath away... #

Wonderful. Exquisite. And now Margaret.

# Take my breath away... #

Good. Now Maverick moves in towards her. Come on, Don.

In for the kiss. In for the kiss, Don! In for the kiss!

-All right!

-Kiss her.

-I'm going to!

Kiss her, please. Kiss!

Kiss her.

And...

And cut.

THUD

Tea break?

I can't feel my arms.

Because, Goose, you're the only goddamn family I've got.

Goddamn family.

SHE SMIRKS

Oh, look, Noel Coward's back from the dead.

Ha-ha-ha. Funny. Not sure who that is exactly, but it's funny.

Right, finished with the jokes? Good.

Check this shit out.

I have just landed myself the lead role in the theatre club's latest production.

Congratulations, Don.

Thought it was time I got myself involved in some challenging theatre.

Top Gun - The Musical. It's hardly Chekhov, is it?

Oh, ha-ha-ha.

You are so naive, Samantha.

Top Gun's all about the subtext.

-Some of it's very Chekhovian.

-Do you even know who Chekhov is?

Not a clue. Was he the bad guy in Beverly Hills Cop?

-No.

-Who am I thinking of, then?

-Berkoff.

-You berk off!

Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing it, it'll be good for a laugh.

Top Gun's not a comedy, Samantha.

-Do you want tea?

-Yes.

I'll just have a hot water and lemon.

Better keep an eye on this little fella, being on stage and whatnot.

There's some jammy doughnuts in the cupboard, bring them in. Good girl.

Psst. Don. Over here.

Can we have a quick mano-a-mano?

I hope that's not slang for sex.

No, no. It means a one-to-one.

Still sounds like sex.

I need some advice about Samantha.

You want advice? From me?

-All her other friends are students at the university where I teach. You're the only one left.

-Right.

-Am I being a dick?

-I don't know. But I'm desperate to say yes.

-Waiting for Sam like this.

-Give her a chance to let the kettle boil!

-No, no. I'm talking about my proposal.

-Ah, yeah.

-It's been almost two weeks since I asked her.

When I push for an answer, she says she needs more time. How much does she need?

-Either she loves me or she doesn't.

-Well, that's what I said.

-What does it look like to other people?

-Like you've landed on your feet.

Well, look she's funny, smart, good-looking, intelligent, genuine, fit.

Oh, man, I would love to have sex with her.

Is what people probably think.

Which is good. It's a compliment.

So I shouldn't just walk away?

Because, well, I've been thinking about it.

Honestly, Bri? You wait as long as it takes.

Because if you walked away you'd be a making a terrible mistake.

And believe me, I know a lot about terrible mistakes.

Thanks, Don. You're a really good guy, you know?

-Well...

-I don't care what other people say.

What do you mean, "what other people say?"

OK, listen up, puppets. I have some terrible, terrible news.

Margaret is in hospital.

Apparently she'd been having trouble feeling anything in her arms all day,

and last night lost control of her car and drove into a shop. Splat.

And so there is a strong possibility she will not be able to perform tomorrow.

Yes! Yes! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Yes!

I mean, oh, poor Margaret. I hope she's all right.

Which means that we need to find ourselves a new starlet, otherwise this production shuts down.

-Either that or we go the Shakespeare route and I'll play the love interest.

-What?! No, no.

You're playing Iceman.

-Are you questioning my ability to dupliact?

-No?

-Good.

Then find me my local ingenue or fetch me my frock. You decide!

Please choose the frock.

We need to find a new leading lady quick sharp.

-What are you going to have?

-I'm not sure.

-Say "ah."

-Ah.

SHE MOANS

What's up with you? Someone stolen your corset?

SHE SMIRKS

They'd bloody better not have.

We've got a problem with the show.

Is the problem called Top Gun - The Musical?

Do you mind? Jesus, I never give YOU grief.

The lead actress has pulled out.

-Why?

-Well, she's in a coma.

Right, well, she hasn't exactly dropped out, then, has she?

Well, she's hardly going ahead with it, is she?

I'm having trouble finding a replacement.

Needs to be a girl, obviously.

Someone from the local area.

-Preferably someone sexy.

-I'll do it.

Resist, resist, resist. I can't.

I said, "someone sexy".

She needs to be confident enough to get up on stage.

It would help if she was blonde.

Mid 20s-ish.

Maybe if her name was like Anne, or Pam,

which is short for Pamantha, I believe.

Do you know anyone who fits that description?

-Nope.

-Oh, go on. You'd be perfect.

Not as good as I'd be.

Shush, Gollum, adults are talking.

I don't even know if I can act, Don.

You'll be in perfect company. Nobody in the show can act.

Oh, go on. I don't want to do kissing scenes with Simon Simon.

-Wait, there are kissing scenes?

-No, no.

-I'll think about it, OK?

-OK, yeah. OK.

So, what do you reckon? Are you in?

Thanks for doing this, by the way. You have totally saved the show.

Sorry, are you running lines?

I think I'm going to say yes.

Really? In which scene?

-No, to Brian.

-Oh.

Why?

Because I do love him, Don.

Yeah, but are you IN love with him?

I just want to be with somebody who's not going to let me down.

Right. Someone like me, you mean?

No, that's not what I mean.

OK. Two minutes, puppets!

Samantha, you're confident that you remember everything, yes?

-Yes, I think so.

-Think? Think? I need you to know, my dear!

OK, I know.

And Donald, you remember what I said earlier?

Look, I told you before, I don't want you to give me a pre-show blowie.

-No, not that. Earlier, before that?

-Oh, right. Er?

-Come on, puppet.

The secret to great acting?

The golden code to a truly mesmerising performance?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Say the words from the script.

Correct. Now fly, my puppet!

Take to the stage! You've got it.

You're sure I can't give you a quick pre-show blowie?

You are a hell of a pilot, Maverick.

So I am going to write a dream ticket.

You two jokers are going to Top Gun.

-# We're flying to...

-Top Gun!

-# We're flying to...

-Top Gun!

-# We're flying to...

-Top Gun!

-# We're flying to...

-Top Gun!

-# We're flying to...

-Top Gun!

# Top Gun! Top Gun! Top Gun! Top Gun!

# My name is Maverick

# And I'm a maverick pilot

# Pilot!

# My name is Goose, and I'm a...

# Goosey pilot

# My daddy was a fighter pilot too

# But I never met him because he died when I was small

# And I'm living in his shadow

# Shadow

# I'm living in my dead daddy's shadow

# He's living in his dead daddy's shadow

# Shh-shh-shh-shadow. #

APPLAUSE

I'm a guy. And you're a guy.

And there's tension between us. Can you feel it?

# We're guys Guys in the showers

# We're guys Competing with each other

# We're guys

# Not gays

# But guys

# We're very manly and definitely not homosexual

# Well, maybe just a tiny little bit homoerotic, oh!

# We're just guys who really love to shower with other guys

# Guys G-U-Y-S

# Guys Guys

# G-U-Y-S Guys. #

APPLAUSE

BANG

No, Goose! Don't leave me, Goose!

No!

# We're changing the set now We're changing the set

# We're changing the set now We're changing the set

# What are you doing? We just told you

# We're changing, we're changing, we're changing... #

-That was amazing!

-Really? I wasn't too over the top?

No. It was amazing.

Quick, it's the big scene!

APPLAUSE

PIANIST PLAYS "TAKE MY BREATH AWAY"

# Watching every motion in my foolish lover's game

# On this endless ocean finally lovers know no shame

# Turning and returning to some secret place inside

# Watching in slow motion as you turn around and say...

# Take my breath away

# Hey, hey

# Take my breath away

# Hey, hey... #

What's going on?

-They're still kissing.

-Oh.

HE PLAYS FINAL CHORD QUICKLY

APPLAUSE

# Fly, fly, fly, fly

# You can fly, fly, fly, fly

# You can fly with me any time

# In time

# Time

# You can fly with me any time

# Time

# Time

# You can fly with me any time

# Any time

# Any time you like! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BOTTLE SMASHES

I don't get it. I played Tom Cruise, and yet he still gets all the attention.

He had the death scene. You can't top that. Death scenes.

Simpletons. Blacking up. He's an awards magnet.

-Can I have a word?

-Yeah, of course.

I always thought you'd be shit on stage.

Great. Thanks, Gollum.

But you were quite good, actually.

Oh. Thanks, Dot.

-I can't believe how much fun that was.

-You were amazing.

-Oh, thank you.

-You always are.

Look, I was going to wait until we got back, but I want to tell you something.

Me too.

OK, well, you first.

Ah. How do I say this?

I saw you up there with Don. You were really convincing.

-Yeah, but we were just acting, you know that, right?

-Were you?

Yes.

Even if that kiss was just acting,

even if you considered him to be just another actor, and not Don.

Well, you still had more chemistry with that person than you do with me.

I watched the way you both kissed and thought,

"She has never, ever kissed me like that."

Don't be sad.

Better we found this out now, hey?

I'll leave you all to celebrate.

More washing. How exciting!

Puppets! I'd like you to meet my beloved wife.

-Er, sorry. Wife?

-Yes, wife.

Everything OK, Samantha?

Ah, Samantha, my heroine.

You are truly a talent. And what chemistry you and Donald have.

You must do more together, you must.

Well, I do keep trying to tell her, Simon Simon.

But I think she'd rather act opposite Uncle Brian.

Actually, where is Bri?

Erm, he's gone. He had to leave.

Well, I would like to propose a toast. To Donald and Samantha.

The perfect Maverick and Charlie!

-Cheers!

-Cheers.

Cheers!

Cheers.

# Times, we've had some good ones

# Lines, we've drawn a few

# But it's gonna be all right

# Yes, we're gonna be all right. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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