Don the Musical How Not To Live Your Life


Don the Musical

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This programme contains some strong language

0:00:020:00:05

'What's so great about him?'

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Well, he's smart and reliable.

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You sound like you're describing a car.

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You know he likes you.

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Finds you...fascinating.

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SHE YELPS AND LAUGHS

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I've really, really loved hanging out with you for the last few days.

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Yeah, me too.

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You're going to propose to her?

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Yes, I'm going to pop the question at my birthday party.

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-Why don't you go and tell her?

-It's fancy dress. I don't have a costume.

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Sorry, who are you meant to be?

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We're Riggs and Murtaugh, you know, from Lethal Weapon.

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What if she doesn't feel the same? It'll be awkward living with her.

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-Well, it doesn't matter. If she says yes to him, she won't be living here.

-What is it?

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Brian's about to propose to you.

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Don!

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So, come on, did he propose?

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-Yes. He did.

-And what did you say?

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I said I'd think about it.

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-So, "no" then.

-Not necessarily.

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Well, "think about it" hardly suggests "yes", does it?

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No, it suggests I'll think about it.

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It must be killing him.

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I bet he never thought he'd find someone like you at his age.

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-Oh, Don, that joke is getting old!

-It's not the only thing getting old.

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Oh, you are so annoying.

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No wonder your only friend is Rain Man over there.

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Oi, cheekbones, that's not very nice.

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He's not my ONLY friend.

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Anyway, Eddie might be a bit half price, but he's nothing like Rain Man.

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-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-I'm an excellent driver. Excellent driver.

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Look, I'm just saying, either you love Brian, or you don't.

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I just want to make sure that we'd be doing it for the right reasons.

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We've only been together for a few months.

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Yeah, but at his age, time goes all skewiff.

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It's like that dog years thing. When you're older, a year can seem like a week.

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Or is it the other way around?

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-You know, you're not so young yourself.

-Yeah, but I'm not OLD.

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No, it's just your receding hairline that makes you look it.

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How could you be so evil and hurtful and spiteful?

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SHE CHUCKLES

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-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Of course, I get my underwear from K-Mart. From K-Mart.

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-What are you freaks up to?

-Just having a little line run ahead of tonight.

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'Eddie belongs to the local theatre club.

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'He's been in several productions since he joined.'

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You can say it backwards, you know!

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Which is docious-ali- expi-listic-fragi-cali-repus.

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I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle.

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There's just one more thing. My wife loves ya!

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Why would I kill the man in the same way I wrote about it in my book?

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Nick?

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We're doing Rain Man this week. I'm playing the Dustin Hoffman part.

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Oh, I love it when I get cast against type.

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SHE SNEERS

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You are coming tonight, aren't you, Don?

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To the theatre? I'd rather stay at home and staple-gun my dick to my balls.

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Oh.

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But hey, look. We don't have a stapler,

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so of course I'll be there.

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I've got a stapler I'd be happy to lend you.

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Shush your mouth, Gollum.

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'And so that night we all went to see Eddie in his silly little play.'

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Amtrak train number 36, the Desert Wind, eastbound, now boarding, track number three.

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-Very shiny train.

-It sure is.

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Now, listen, I'm comin' to see you in two weeks. How many days is that?

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Fourteen days from today. Today's Wednesday.

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Course, that's 336 hours.

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20,160 minutes. 1,209,600 seconds.

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Ray, I'll see you soon.

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-Yeah. Bet one for bad, two for good.

-Bet two for good.

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-Three minutes to Wapner.

-You'll make it.

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TRAIN WHISTLES

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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I will not wear that thong, Louis Walsh!

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-Outstanding. Puts Hoffman to shame.

-Talent like that is so attractive.

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I'd really like to fuck him.

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Strange. Does somebody need their laundry doing?

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You were really enjoying yourself up there.

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You should be so proud of yourself, Eddie. You were brilliant.

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You all enjoyed it? You didn't think it was amateurish?

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-Eddie, it made me cry.

-Yeah, all right, Bri. It weren't that bad.

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Because I was so moved. It was a wonderful piece of drama.

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Yeah, and the women in the audience adored you.

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You reminded me of a young Justin Hoffman.

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I think you mean Dustin Hoffman.

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No. Justin Hoffman!

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He's the town drunk who shouts at pigeons outside Tesco's. You're right, he does a bit.

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I'm not sure how to take that, Dot.

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The poor man's an actual retard.

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OK. Night, everyone.

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Oh, and well done... Justin Hoffman.

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Right, better quickly get all this washing on.

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Eddie, this local theatre club of yours?

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-Uh-huh?

-Can anyone join?

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Abso-lulu. Anyone from the local community, that is.

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When do rehearsals start for the next show?

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Next week. There's a rumour we're doing Cocktail - The Musical.

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Rain Man? Cocktail? What, is it some sort of Tom Cruise season?

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Exactly. Some sort of Tom Cruise season.

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I wonder if they'll do Eyes Wide Shut?

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Oh, no, no, no, no. We tried that a few months ago.

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Didn't go down at all well.

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AUDIENCE: That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!

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This is an outrage!

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SEXUAL MOANING

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BOOING

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Right, I want to join. What do you reckon?

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But you hate the theatre.

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You said you'd rather staple-gun your penis to its balls.

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Look, Eddie, theatre's like male masturbation.

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Fun to do, hideous to watch.

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I saw all that attention you were getting back there.

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There's something about men expressing their gayness on stage

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that gives women a fizzy vagenie. I don't know why.

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But can you act?

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Since when did acting have anything to do with it?

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It's about star quality, Eddie.

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Not acting. Just take a look at some of the greatest screen legends of the last 30 years.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dolph Lundgren, that French Mastiff from Turner and Hooch.

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All terrible actors, yet utterly mesmerising.

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Man, that dog was good!

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OK, Don. You can come along.

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But please, no horseplay.

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-Sorry, horseplay?

-Yes, horseplay.

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-You're actually genuinely using the phrase horseplay?

-Yeah.

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Jesus, Eddie. Sometimes I think you're from the turn of the century.

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-What, the year 2000?

-No, no. The one before that.

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'I was very excited about becoming an actor.

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'And I needed something to take my mind off the whole Brian and Sam situation.'

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A special round of applause to Eddie and Randy for their extraordinary performances in Rain Man.

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APPLAUSE

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Oh, thank you. Thank you.

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Really, there's no need for applause.

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I'm just like you guys.

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Well...a bit like you.

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Rain Man was a triumph, but now on to our next production, my sweet little puppets!

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Now, I have been thinking long and hard, and I've decided that our next production will be...

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Wait for it...

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Top Gun - The Musical!

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Er, excuse me. Excuse me. Over here.

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Don't you think we ought to wait for the director to arrive before you start deciding what's what?

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Oh, right. Good idea. Yes.

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Top Gun it is, then.

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Don. That is the director.

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Now, I sense a few newcomers...

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Whoa, whoa. Sorry, sorry, guys, sorry.

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Has no-one else noticed that he's...?

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Well, you know he's, er...

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-I'm not sure I see what you're saying.

-Exactly my point. No?

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Oh, never mind. Jesus!

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Before we start divvying up the roles,

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why don't we just loosen up and start with some exercises, OK?

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So, on your feet, come on, come on.

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Excuse me, er... Don Danbury. I'm new.

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Ah, always a pleasure to have a newbie in the troupe.

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A fresh puppet to place my proverbial hand inside.

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I hope proverbial means you won't actually put your hand inside me?

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Ha, ha, how funny. I'm Simon Simon Smith.

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Nice to meet you.

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-Hang on, Simon SIMON Smith?

-Correct.

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What, your first name's Simon and your middle name's Simon?

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Yes. My mother had a stutter. What can I do for you, poppet?

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Are you sure Top Gun's the right way forward here?

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-What would you suggest?

-I dunno. One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest?

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Been there. It was a travesty!

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I told them we should never have done it on ice!

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I mean, how was the character in the wheelchair meant to know how to ice skate, huh? Answer me, Donald!

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I don't know.

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Theatre games!

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'Was I being stupid? I mean, how does a blind man direct a musical?'

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I get what you're saying. About him.

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It's weird, innit? No-one else seems to have a problem with it.

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Oh, I've got a problem with it, all right.

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I wish his type would just go back home.

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Where do blind people come from? Oh...

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See you in a minute.

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Time to reveal who will be playing whom.

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Please be Maverick, please be Maverick.

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Yes! I'm Tom Cruise.

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I'm Tom mother-loving Cruise.

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Oh, right. I'm Goose.

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I feel the need.

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-BOTH:

-The need for speed!

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I wonder who's playing Charlie? The Kelly McGillis role. She's really fit.

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As in sexy, not healthy.

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I'm just saying she looks nothing like Kelly McGillis.

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This is community theatre, Donald.

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What if the community don't buy me and her as a couple?

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Fuck the community, then! Fuck them all. This is my production.

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Too many times has the community interfered with my work.

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I should never have done Cuckoo's Nest on ice. A boy died that night!

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All right. I'm sure it weren't your fault.

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I was the one who skated across his jugular.

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-You were in the show?

-Yes. I'm in all my productions.

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Holy batty sleeves.

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Actually, this tete-a-tete is quite useful.

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I'm playing Iceman, you see?

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Let's use this tension.

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Let's use it!

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My God, Don, you look just like Cruise.

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Well, thank you very much.

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-I want to kiss you on the mouth.

-What?

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On with rehearsals, my rancid little puppets!

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# Watching in slow motion as you turn around and say

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# Take my breath away... #

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Wonderful. Exquisite. And now Margaret.

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# Take my breath away... #

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Good. Now Maverick moves in towards her. Come on, Don.

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In for the kiss. In for the kiss, Don! In for the kiss!

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-All right!

-Kiss her.

-I'm going to!

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Kiss her, please. Kiss!

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Kiss her.

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And...

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And cut.

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THUD

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Tea break?

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I can't feel my arms.

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Because, Goose, you're the only goddamn family I've got.

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Goddamn family.

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SHE SMIRKS

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Oh, look, Noel Coward's back from the dead.

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Ha-ha-ha. Funny. Not sure who that is exactly, but it's funny.

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Right, finished with the jokes? Good.

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Check this shit out.

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I have just landed myself the lead role in the theatre club's latest production.

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Congratulations, Don.

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Thought it was time I got myself involved in some challenging theatre.

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Top Gun - The Musical. It's hardly Chekhov, is it?

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Oh, ha-ha-ha.

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You are so naive, Samantha.

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Top Gun's all about the subtext.

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-Some of it's very Chekhovian.

-Do you even know who Chekhov is?

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Not a clue. Was he the bad guy in Beverly Hills Cop?

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-No.

-Who am I thinking of, then?

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-Berkoff.

-You berk off!

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Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing it, it'll be good for a laugh.

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Top Gun's not a comedy, Samantha.

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-Do you want tea?

-Yes.

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I'll just have a hot water and lemon.

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Better keep an eye on this little fella, being on stage and whatnot.

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There's some jammy doughnuts in the cupboard, bring them in. Good girl.

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Psst. Don. Over here.

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Can we have a quick mano-a-mano?

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I hope that's not slang for sex.

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No, no. It means a one-to-one.

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Still sounds like sex.

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I need some advice about Samantha.

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You want advice? From me?

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-All her other friends are students at the university where I teach. You're the only one left.

-Right.

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-Am I being a dick?

-I don't know. But I'm desperate to say yes.

-Waiting for Sam like this.

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-Give her a chance to let the kettle boil!

-No, no. I'm talking about my proposal.

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-Ah, yeah.

-It's been almost two weeks since I asked her.

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When I push for an answer, she says she needs more time. How much does she need?

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-Either she loves me or she doesn't.

-Well, that's what I said.

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-What does it look like to other people?

-Like you've landed on your feet.

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Well, look she's funny, smart, good-looking, intelligent, genuine, fit.

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Oh, man, I would love to have sex with her.

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Is what people probably think.

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Which is good. It's a compliment.

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So I shouldn't just walk away?

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Because, well, I've been thinking about it.

0:14:340:14:36

Honestly, Bri? You wait as long as it takes.

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Because if you walked away you'd be a making a terrible mistake.

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And believe me, I know a lot about terrible mistakes.

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Thanks, Don. You're a really good guy, you know?

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-Well...

-I don't care what other people say.

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What do you mean, "what other people say?"

0:15:000:15:02

OK, listen up, puppets. I have some terrible, terrible news.

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Margaret is in hospital.

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Apparently she'd been having trouble feeling anything in her arms all day,

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and last night lost control of her car and drove into a shop. Splat.

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And so there is a strong possibility she will not be able to perform tomorrow.

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Yes! Yes! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Yes!

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I mean, oh, poor Margaret. I hope she's all right.

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Which means that we need to find ourselves a new starlet, otherwise this production shuts down.

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-Either that or we go the Shakespeare route and I'll play the love interest.

-What?! No, no.

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You're playing Iceman.

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-Are you questioning my ability to dupliact?

-No?

-Good.

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Then find me my local ingenue or fetch me my frock. You decide!

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Please choose the frock.

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We need to find a new leading lady quick sharp.

0:16:010:16:06

-What are you going to have?

-I'm not sure.

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-Say "ah."

-Ah.

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SHE MOANS

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What's up with you? Someone stolen your corset?

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SHE SMIRKS

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They'd bloody better not have.

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We've got a problem with the show.

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Is the problem called Top Gun - The Musical?

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Do you mind? Jesus, I never give YOU grief.

0:16:530:16:57

The lead actress has pulled out.

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-Why?

-Well, she's in a coma.

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Right, well, she hasn't exactly dropped out, then, has she?

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Well, she's hardly going ahead with it, is she?

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I'm having trouble finding a replacement.

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Needs to be a girl, obviously.

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Someone from the local area.

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-Preferably someone sexy.

-I'll do it.

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Resist, resist, resist. I can't.

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I said, "someone sexy".

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She needs to be confident enough to get up on stage.

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It would help if she was blonde.

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Mid 20s-ish.

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Maybe if her name was like Anne, or Pam,

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which is short for Pamantha, I believe.

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Do you know anyone who fits that description?

0:17:440:17:47

-Nope.

-Oh, go on. You'd be perfect.

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Not as good as I'd be.

0:17:490:17:51

Shush, Gollum, adults are talking.

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I don't even know if I can act, Don.

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You'll be in perfect company. Nobody in the show can act.

0:17:550:17:58

Oh, go on. I don't want to do kissing scenes with Simon Simon.

0:18:000:18:02

-Wait, there are kissing scenes?

-No, no.

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-I'll think about it, OK?

-OK, yeah. OK.

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So, what do you reckon? Are you in?

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Thanks for doing this, by the way. You have totally saved the show.

0:18:250:18:29

Sorry, are you running lines?

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I think I'm going to say yes.

0:18:330:18:35

Really? In which scene?

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-No, to Brian.

-Oh.

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Why?

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Because I do love him, Don.

0:18:440:18:46

Yeah, but are you IN love with him?

0:18:460:18:49

I just want to be with somebody who's not going to let me down.

0:18:490:18:52

Right. Someone like me, you mean?

0:18:520:18:54

No, that's not what I mean.

0:18:540:18:57

OK. Two minutes, puppets!

0:18:570:18:59

Samantha, you're confident that you remember everything, yes?

0:18:590:19:02

-Yes, I think so.

-Think? Think? I need you to know, my dear!

0:19:020:19:06

OK, I know.

0:19:060:19:08

And Donald, you remember what I said earlier?

0:19:090:19:12

Look, I told you before, I don't want you to give me a pre-show blowie.

0:19:120:19:16

-No, not that. Earlier, before that?

-Oh, right. Er?

-Come on, puppet.

0:19:160:19:20

The secret to great acting?

0:19:200:19:22

The golden code to a truly mesmerising performance?

0:19:220:19:25

Oh, yeah, yeah. Say the words from the script.

0:19:250:19:27

Correct. Now fly, my puppet!

0:19:270:19:29

Take to the stage! You've got it.

0:19:290:19:31

You're sure I can't give you a quick pre-show blowie?

0:19:310:19:34

You are a hell of a pilot, Maverick.

0:19:510:19:54

So I am going to write a dream ticket.

0:19:540:19:57

You two jokers are going to Top Gun.

0:19:580:20:01

-# We're flying to...

-Top Gun!

0:20:050:20:08

-# We're flying to...

-Top Gun!

0:20:080:20:11

-# We're flying to...

-Top Gun!

0:20:110:20:14

-# We're flying to...

-Top Gun!

0:20:140:20:17

-# We're flying to...

-Top Gun!

0:20:170:20:18

# Top Gun! Top Gun! Top Gun! Top Gun!

0:20:180:20:22

# My name is Maverick

0:20:230:20:25

# And I'm a maverick pilot

0:20:250:20:27

# Pilot!

0:20:270:20:29

# My name is Goose, and I'm a...

0:20:290:20:31

# Goosey pilot

0:20:310:20:34

# My daddy was a fighter pilot too

0:20:360:20:38

# But I never met him because he died when I was small

0:20:380:20:41

# And I'm living in his shadow

0:20:410:20:46

# Shadow

0:20:460:20:48

# I'm living in my dead daddy's shadow

0:20:480:20:50

# He's living in his dead daddy's shadow

0:20:500:20:54

# Shh-shh-shh-shadow. #

0:20:540:20:58

APPLAUSE

0:21:100:21:14

I'm a guy. And you're a guy.

0:21:150:21:18

And there's tension between us. Can you feel it?

0:21:180:21:21

# We're guys Guys in the showers

0:21:210:21:24

# We're guys Competing with each other

0:21:240:21:26

# We're guys

0:21:260:21:27

# Not gays

0:21:270:21:29

# But guys

0:21:290:21:30

# We're very manly and definitely not homosexual

0:21:320:21:37

# Well, maybe just a tiny little bit homoerotic, oh!

0:21:370:21:42

# We're just guys who really love to shower with other guys

0:21:420:21:48

# Guys G-U-Y-S

0:21:480:21:50

# Guys Guys

0:21:500:21:52

# G-U-Y-S Guys. #

0:21:520:21:55

APPLAUSE

0:21:550:21:57

BANG

0:22:070:22:08

No, Goose! Don't leave me, Goose!

0:22:190:22:23

No!

0:22:230:22:25

# We're changing the set now We're changing the set

0:22:280:22:31

# We're changing the set now We're changing the set

0:22:310:22:34

# What are you doing? We just told you

0:22:340:22:36

# We're changing, we're changing, we're changing... #

0:22:360:22:39

-That was amazing!

-Really? I wasn't too over the top?

0:22:390:22:42

No. It was amazing.

0:22:420:22:43

Quick, it's the big scene!

0:22:430:22:45

APPLAUSE

0:22:480:22:50

PIANIST PLAYS "TAKE MY BREATH AWAY"

0:22:500:22:54

# Watching every motion in my foolish lover's game

0:22:590:23:05

# On this endless ocean finally lovers know no shame

0:23:080:23:14

# Turning and returning to some secret place inside

0:23:180:23:24

# Watching in slow motion as you turn around and say...

0:23:280:23:33

# Take my breath away

0:23:360:23:40

# Hey, hey

0:23:400:23:44

# Take my breath away

0:23:460:23:49

# Hey, hey... #

0:23:490:23:54

What's going on?

0:24:240:24:25

-They're still kissing.

-Oh.

0:24:250:24:27

HE PLAYS FINAL CHORD QUICKLY

0:24:310:24:33

APPLAUSE

0:24:330:24:35

# Fly, fly, fly, fly

0:24:400:24:44

# You can fly, fly, fly, fly

0:24:440:24:49

# You can fly with me any time

0:24:490:24:51

# In time

0:24:510:24:53

# Time

0:24:530:24:55

# You can fly with me any time

0:24:550:24:57

# Time

0:24:570:24:59

# Time

0:24:590:25:00

# You can fly with me any time

0:25:000:25:03

# Any time

0:25:030:25:04

# Any time you like! #

0:25:040:25:06

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:25:060:25:08

BOTTLE SMASHES

0:25:160:25:18

I don't get it. I played Tom Cruise, and yet he still gets all the attention.

0:25:230:25:27

He had the death scene. You can't top that. Death scenes.

0:25:270:25:30

Simpletons. Blacking up. He's an awards magnet.

0:25:300:25:33

-Can I have a word?

-Yeah, of course.

0:25:330:25:36

I always thought you'd be shit on stage.

0:25:380:25:41

Great. Thanks, Gollum.

0:25:410:25:43

But you were quite good, actually.

0:25:430:25:45

Oh. Thanks, Dot.

0:25:450:25:48

-I can't believe how much fun that was.

-You were amazing.

0:25:480:25:51

-Oh, thank you.

-You always are.

0:25:510:25:53

Look, I was going to wait until we got back, but I want to tell you something.

0:25:530:25:58

Me too.

0:25:580:25:59

OK, well, you first.

0:25:590:26:01

Ah. How do I say this?

0:26:010:26:04

I saw you up there with Don. You were really convincing.

0:26:050:26:08

-Yeah, but we were just acting, you know that, right?

-Were you?

0:26:080:26:11

Yes.

0:26:110:26:14

Even if that kiss was just acting,

0:26:140:26:16

even if you considered him to be just another actor, and not Don.

0:26:160:26:22

Well, you still had more chemistry with that person than you do with me.

0:26:220:26:26

I watched the way you both kissed and thought,

0:26:260:26:28

"She has never, ever kissed me like that."

0:26:280:26:33

Don't be sad.

0:26:380:26:40

Better we found this out now, hey?

0:26:400:26:43

I'll leave you all to celebrate.

0:26:440:26:48

More washing. How exciting!

0:26:540:26:57

Puppets! I'd like you to meet my beloved wife.

0:26:570:27:00

-Er, sorry. Wife?

-Yes, wife.

0:27:000:27:03

Everything OK, Samantha?

0:27:030:27:05

Ah, Samantha, my heroine.

0:27:050:27:07

You are truly a talent. And what chemistry you and Donald have.

0:27:070:27:11

You must do more together, you must.

0:27:110:27:12

Well, I do keep trying to tell her, Simon Simon.

0:27:120:27:15

But I think she'd rather act opposite Uncle Brian.

0:27:150:27:19

Actually, where is Bri?

0:27:190:27:20

Erm, he's gone. He had to leave.

0:27:200:27:23

Well, I would like to propose a toast. To Donald and Samantha.

0:27:230:27:28

The perfect Maverick and Charlie!

0:27:280:27:31

-Cheers!

-Cheers.

0:27:310:27:34

Cheers!

0:27:340:27:35

Cheers.

0:27:360:27:38

# Times, we've had some good ones

0:27:410:27:46

# Lines, we've drawn a few

0:27:460:27:50

# But it's gonna be all right

0:27:520:27:55

# Yes, we're gonna be all right. #

0:27:550:27:58

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0:27:580:28:01

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0:28:010:28:04

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