Episode 1 I Want My Wife Back

'We used to come here all the time.

'We were so in love.

'For ten years, everything was perfect.

'Oh, what was I thinking?

'It all started to go wrong when I got promoted.'

Bex, should I serve up?

I'm so sorry, Lisa. It's just this new job.

I'm sure he'll be here soon.

PHONE RINGS

Hi, Murray.

Oh.

OK.

Would the godparents please step forward?

'Before I knew it, I was working weekends.'

-Sorry.

-PHONE RINGS

Hi, Murray.

Oh, right.

'I even managed to miss Valentine's night.'

PHONE RINGS

'I suppose sometimes you just lose sight of what's important in life.

'I really hope it's not too late.'

'This is an Edinburgh Airport security announcement.

'Please remember to keep all baggage...'

Can't remember which is which now. THEY CHUCKLE

It's difficult, isn't it? Huh.

I think I like this one best.

Really? Do you think that would work for a younger woman?

Well, I think so.

Sorry, er, I didn't mean to imply you weren't a...

It...it's for my wife. She's 40 today, so...

Oh, not that 40's young, but it's younger than...

How old are you? No, no. Don't feel the need to answer that.

-So, you'll take this one?

-Yes, please.

Cos what is young these days, anyway?

They say 50's the new 40, don't they? 40's the new 30...

-I'm 42.

-Really? Oh, well done. Yes...

Well, that's why it's, er...very helpful

to the get the advice of a 42-year-old

on what a younger woman of...40 might like.

-Shall I put it in a bag?

-Yeah, stick it in the old bag.

Yeah, that old bag, that bag. Not...

-You know, your plane leaves in five minutes?

-What?! Oh!

Hi, Bex, it's me. Pick up if you're there.

No? Look, really sorry, hon.

Bit of a problem with the flight,

so I'm going to have to miss your birthday breakfast,

go straight to the office.

I know, I know, it's me making this phone call again,

but I'll see you later at home. Love you.

Ooh, er, one more thing.

# Happy birthday to you... #

I'm going to take the back route, mate.

Oh, no, no. Er, left. It'll be quicker, honestly.

Just follow the signs to Brighton.

# ..happy birthday to you... #

Don't worry. I've done this route before, you know?

No, you'll hit traffic at the lights.

# ..happy birthday, dear... #

All right, but don't blame me!

Yeah, I'm trying to sing Happy Birthday here.

# ..Bex! Happy birthday to... #

No, left! Left! Left!

# ..you. #

'I know it's me making this phone call again, but I'm...'

"Dear...Murray...

"I'm...going...away...

"..for...for a bit."

Yes, I know it's short notice, but I thought it'd be nice

if a few of her friends and family surprised her, yeah?

Yes, tonight.

"..all my love...Bex." Hm.

Yes, it is last minute, but I missed her birthday breakfast and, er...

-"..kind...regards."

-SHE SIGHS

"Cheers!"

I'll just put "Bex."

-Oh, Murray, thank God you're here.

-Morning, Emma.

Everything OK?

Erm, a memory stick has gone missing

with loads of Pentratech's data on it,

and IT are saying that you're the last person to have it.

-Yeah, yeah. I've got it.

-Y...you... What?!

I took it to Scotland with me for the investment conference.

-LAUGHING:

-Oh, God.

Oh, what a relief. I thought you were in real trouble there.

Everything's under control.

Oh, I want to kiss you.

-Please don't.

-No. No, not here.

-THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY

Not...right now.

LIFT BELL RINGS Ah, the lift!

-Saved by the bell...of the lift.

-Yes.

I love your tie, by the way.

Thanks. Yeah. Got it from Bex, my wife.

-She's 50 today, isn't she?

-40, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm actually organising a surprise birthday party for her.

Are you? Aw!

Yeah, well, she's been a bit down recently.

I think it's the big four-oh.

You know, didn't really want to celebrate at all.

The plan was for a night in with me and my famous poached salmon.

I love poached salmon. Can I have the recipe?

Yeah, but it's just...it's just sort of poached...

There we go, Barney.

-So, how many people are coming...

-Well, so far...

-..to the party?

..I've got 14, but I'm hoping for about 20 odd, so...

Oh, she doesn't deserve you, Murray.

I mean, I'm just saying she's...you know, so lucky to have you,

you going to all this effort.

A party and...

LIFT BELL RINGS Oh, here we are. The fourth floor.

Yes, OUR floor.

My favourite floor.

Hi, Grant, about the party again, erm...

I'm not checking up on you -

I'm just seeing if you got the message.

I'm not being judgmental. I'm just...

There's no tone to my voice, Grant.

Look, if you can pick up some booze after work, that'd be great.

How could you take offence to the word great?

OK, fine. I'll pick it up myself.

No, I'm not cutting you off, I'm... Grant?!

HE SIGHS Oh! Hello, Don!

Come here! Give your father-in-law a hug.

-Ha, ha!

-WHISPERING: Not in the office...

I bought the balloons for the party. It's a brilliant idea.

I've spoken to Gord and Aud - they're keen to come.

Do you remember them?

They stayed with me and Paula in the villa in Turkey last year.

Excellent. Sorry about the short notice...

I thought they were going to give you a bigger office.

Ah, well, er, not yet. Has been mentioned.

I think that proposal got lost on Curtis's desk.

Well, if it's been mentioned, they should see it through!

Where is Curtis? I'll remind him myself.

-Oh, no, Don. He's...not around.

-Don't let him forget.

You were Relationship Manager of the Year last year - you deserve it.

Oh! Hello...Curtis.

-Do you remember my father-in-law, Don?

-Hello, there.

Yeah, nice to...see you...again.

You know, Murray's always saying how lucky he is to have you as a boss.

But then, you're very lucky to have him.

Well, he's a very valued member of the team.

Indeed, he's a very valued member of my family.

Good. Well, I'm glad he's so valued.

Then why haven't you given him a bigger office?

Thanks for dropping by...

He was Relationship Manager of the Year last year.

Yeah, I know. I gave him the award. That's me in the photo.

Is it?

Christ, you've put on weight.

HE CHUCKLES I'll see you tonight then, Don.

Yeah, all right. See you around.

You all right, mate?!

Quite a character.

It was a good game, hm...?

So, how was Edinburgh?

Oh...

Manic, as usual. Weren't you meant to be there?

Oh, er, something came up.

How was the weather?

-Oh, it was all right. Yeah. Rained in the afternoon.

-OK.

OK, and what did you do after the conference?

Oh, we...we went for sushi.

Sushi. Where?

-Er...Wakimotos.

-Wakimotos.

And, you were staying at the Radisson, weren't you?

Yeah, it's just... Sorry, is...is there a problem?

No, no, no, not at all.

Oh, erm, about tonight, Bex's party. Got the message.

-Tamzin's really looking forward to it.

-Oh, great.

It would just be better if the whole Edinburgh thing comes up

that I was there with you enjoying the sushi in Wakimotos.

-You were with me?

-Only if it comes up.

-Right.

And obviously, I was with you at the, er...at the Radisson.

-Were you?

-Yeah.

Thanks, mate.

It'd just be better for us if we stick to that story.

-Better?

-For Tamzin.

And me.

-OK.

-Great.

-My notes from the investment conference.

-Thanks, honey.

Murray.

Keeley? Hi, did you get my message?

Just wondering if you're able to bring a cake?

-Cake?

-Yeah, for Bex's party tonight.

-You're having a party tonight?

-Yes. Yeah, yeah.

You're having a party when Bex's moving out?

-WATER GURGLES Sorry, what?

-Oh, my God.

-She's not told you she's leaving?

-PRINTER CLATTERS

-N...not told me what?

-Nothing.

Nothing to do with me, Murray. You heard nothing from me.

-Keeley?

-God, I'm such a stupid big mouth.

Murray, promise me you won't say it was me.

Keeley, what are you on about?

Oh, God, I hate myself. I literally want to die.

Keeley? Keeley?

Hi, Murray. You wanted to see me?

-My performance review.

-Oh... Hi, Nereesha.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, of course. Er...er...

Can I just say before we start,

-I know you're going to bring up my recent absenteeism.

-Hm?

The thing is, the reason I've been off work so much

is because of a personal problem, which I need to talk to you about.

Oh! Er...yeah. Well, that's what I'm here for, yeah.

Thank you, Murray.

Because in the past, when I've come with personal issues,

I don't feel management have really listened.

Sorry, can you hold that thought, Nereesha. I'll be right back, sorry.

-'Oh...'

-Keeley?

-'Erm, it's Keeley's phone. Leave a message.'

Keeley, what was all that about? Can you call me back? Please?

Sorry, Nereesha. Where were we?

I was just saying that in the past when I've come with a problem,

I don't feel management have really engaged.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

It's almost as if they'd rather be somewhere else.

Can you hold that thought, Nereesha? I won't be a minute. Sorry.

-Bex?

-'Hi, this is Bex. Please leave a message.'

Hi, hon. I've just had a really weird chat with your sister.

Can you call me...soon? Please?

Murray.

-If now is not a good time...

-No, no.

Like I've always said, you can talk to me any time, you know, 24/7.

-Thank you.

-Just not now. Sorry.

-I could get you a cake!

-Sorry?

Well, I heard you on the phone. Would it help if I got you a cake?

Oh! That's very kind, but...

No, I can bring it round to your house for you, to the party.

I know where you live!

-Yeah.

-Oh, hi. Abby, yeah.

-HOUSE ALARM RINGS

Yep, found the keys.

I'm in.

So...thanks.

Now I just need the, erm...the alarm code.

2009. Year of my divorce from Clifford.

Make yourself at home.

But do take your shoes off at the door -

I have a strict no-shoes policy.

So...you got out of there. Well done, girl.

My God, it was hard.

And then Barney wanted to come.

-Barney?

-Yeah, the dog.

You didn't bring it, did you? I've just had new carpets fitted.

No. No, no. He's at...he's at home.

Sorry to be a carpet Nazi, but they cost a small fortune.

Oh, don't put anything on the hall table - it's antique.

Yeah, no problem.

God, I can't stop thinking about Murray.

Think of it as a gift to yourself.

How was he when you told him?

I haven't actually, erm, told him yet.

What?

I tried writing a note and that didn't work.

And then I even though about leaving a message on the fridge.

-What?!

-Well, we've got these magnetic letters...

You can't leave a message on a fridge.

You have to be brave and tell him face-to-face.

You can't just run away.

Abby!

Oh, God, got to go.

Abby? Hi, it's Murray, Bex's other half.

We met at the Sexual Health Summer Barbecue.

-Is she around or...?

-It's nothing to do with me.

-What?

-I'm not getting involved.

Sorry, involved in what?

Murray, my support group are waiting.

Hello, everyone. Sorry I'm late.

Abby, sorry, I really do need to talk to her, so...

Oh, hello. Are you joining the group?

-No, no, thanks. I'm just trying to talk to her.

-OK.

Well, plenty of time for that later. Let me get you a cup of tea.

-Oh, no, thanks. I'm fine.

-It's no trouble.

-Really, I'm OK.

-How do you take your tea?

-I really don't want one.

-I'm not joining...

-Well, you can always come back when you're ready.

-Don't need to.

-We're working through our anger issues...

-Don't have any anger issues.

-Do you take sugar?

SHOUTING: I don't want a cup of tea!

Sorry, I, erm...I didn't mean to raise my voice, I...

I had trouble containing my anger until I joined the group.

-Murray, the problem is between you and Bex.

-Problem? What Problem?

I can't discuss it. Will you please just leave?

I'm not trying to get an audience with the Pope here -

-I'm just trying to see my wife.

-Abby has requested that you leave.

-I'd like know where my wife is!

-Come on, let's go.

Careful, fella.

Don't push.

PHONE RINGS Hi, Grant.

Yes, of course I'm coming. I've invited 20 people, haven't I?

No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be abrupt. It's just...

Can you let yourself in and get cracking?

I'm not ordering you around,

I'm just asking you as a friend, you know?

Because I'm at the hospital, you see.

Because I've had half my ear bitten off!

Well, not half exactly - they're looking for it now.

Look, could you just get going, you know?

I'll be with you as soon as they've, you know, found my...lobe.

I'm really sorry about that.

Oh, it's fine. Don't worry about it.

We're doing a fingertip search for it now.

Grant.

I've put a bag of ice in the freezer.

Crisps are in the bowls, beers are in the fridge.

-I think we're in pretty good shape.

-Look, have you seen Bex?

A thank you would be nice.

Yes. Sorry, Grant. Yeah, thank you.

-I basically set the whole party up.

-And I am very grateful.

-At very short notice.

-Thank you again.

The fact I had to ask you for a thank you

diminishes it somewhat, no?

-Can I just thank you again and move on?

-Please.

-Let's move on, put it behind us.

-OK. Have you seen Bex?

-No.

-OK.

I think we might have a problem.

Erm...I'm not sure she's coming.

She seems to be having a slight wobble.

Well, that would explain the note I found in the bin.

"Dear, Murray, I'm going away for a bit. Bex."

Oh, God.

Maybe that could be the surprise at the party.

Bex not turning up.

-Right.

-What are you doing?

-I'm phoning round, cancelling.

-Oh, great.

-So, I've arranged a whole party for nothing.

-She's not coming.

Bit pointless having a party when the person whose party it...

-Ooh!

-Hello there.

-Hi, Don! It's Murray.

Hi. Murray! How's it going?

Oh, yeah. Fine, thanks.

Actually, it's about tonight's party. Er...

-KNOCK AT WINDOW

-We're here! Look. Outside!

-Hm?

-Hiya!

-Hi!

No, Don, listen, I've got to cancel.

Open up, Murray. It's chilly out here!

-It's just not worth it, Paula.

-We've brought Gord and Aud!

-BOTH:

-Hi!

Oh, hi, Murray!

-Oh, God, what happened to your ear?

-Oh, don't worry.

-Someone bit me. It's fine.

-What?

-Is it septic, Murray?

My aunt cut herself gardening and they had to amputate her whole hand.

Don't say that, Paula. Sorry about that, Murray.

-Gordo, go through, go through.

-Now, look, here's Bex's present.

Ah, Paula, a slight problem...

She's going to love it. It's so exciting!

The one with the cello is our next door neighbour's boy.

Got a girl pregnant at school.

We don't know that for sure, Paula.

Anyway, I thought it might lend the evening a touch of class.

-Hello, come in. Go through.

-Get yourself a drink.

Come on, Murray! Get those blinds down.

We've got 40 people to hide!

CELLO MUSIC PLAYS

-What the hell am I going to do?

-Tell them. Tell them the truth.

Oh! So, stand up in front of all these people

-and tell them my wife's left me?

-Murray, I'm not going to be able to

enjoy this party if you keep on at me.

Where've you been all day?

Everyone's been running around looking for that memory stick.

-Emma said you had it, yeah?

-Yeah, yeah, I've got it here. Er...

Well?

-Er...it was here.

-Look, give it to me later.

Oh, hello, sweetheart.

Here's Tamzin, Murray.

Yes, yes, of course. Hi there, Tamzin.

Lovely devils on horsebacks.

Oh, thank you. Yes, Paula did those.

Have you tried the spinach tartlets?

What, no sushi like we had in Edinburgh...last night?

No? No...no sushi.

-It was terrific sushi, wasn't it, Murray?

-Yeah.

-Well, it's a terrific restaurant, isn't it?

-Wakimotos.

On these trips I prefer to dine out.

It gets a bit boring just staying in the hotel, doesn't it?

The Radisson.

God, look at you two! Finishing each other sentences.

You know, sometimes I think you two are having an affair!

EXAGGERATED LAUGHTER

I will, I will.

Oh, God, look at the time.

Everybody, OK! Everybody, listen up!

It's 7:30. She'll be here any minute.

You know the drill. Keep it quiet.

When she walks in the door, we all go, "Surprise!"

-Don...

-Everybody ready? Turn the lights off.

No, Don, please. Sorry. Don't turn the lights off.

There's something I need to explain about tonight.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh! She's here.

Go and let her in, Murray. We'll stay here in the dark.

Quick, quick, quick, lights, lights.

-Hello, Murray.

-Nereesha?

-I'm sorry to come to your house,

but you did say you'd be there for me 24/7.

Yeah, I did say that, but I'm sort of in the middle of something...

It's just that personal problem I was telling you about.

-It can probably wait until tomorrow?

-It's a sexual problem.

Oh, God.

My husband, Steve, just doesn't share

my enthusiasm for sexual adventure.

-ALL:

-Surprise!

It...it's Nereesha, from the bank. Runs the small business desk.

A problem in bed with Steve.

All right?

OK, lights off again. Everybody ready.

Don, don't turn the lights off. No.

We'll lose the surprise factor.

Don, please, there's something I need to tell you all.

HE SIGHS Bex isn't coming.

What, isn't coming?

-She's left me.

-What?

-Oh, God.

A message, she's left me...a message.

You know, a text. Just now, on my...phone,

er...to say she's having to work late,

er, because of an emergency.

Thank God.

-I thought you were telling us that Bex had left you!

-No.

-THEY CHUCKLE

-What emergency?

Oh, erm...a big traffic accident. Motorway pile-up.

-Which motorway?

-Sorry?

Which motorway? Alan and Sue haven't got here yet.

Er, I've forgotten.

-Look, let me see her text.

-No, I've deleted it.

You said she only just sent it. Come on!

The battery on this phone is very poor,

so I tend just to delete texts as soon as I've read them.

Very good model otherwise, erm...battery and whatnot.

But, well, if you are thinking of changing phones,

the battery deficiencies are perhaps something to bare in mind.

So, anyway, erm...Bex said that she thinks

she's going to be tied up at the hospital,

till the early hours dealing with the...

-Oh...

-ALL:

-Surprise!

She's here! DOG BARKS

-Hi, everyone.

-You're here!

-Yes.

What happened to your ear?

Oh, that. It's...it's fine. Someone bit me.

Come here.

Come here, darling. Happy birthday!

Murray.

God, I was really worried.

I mean, you know, I've been leaving messages all day,

and then Keeley said something really weird about moving out

and Abby, I mean...

What's this note all about?

Look, Murray, this isn't easy for me, but...

I've been practising this speech all day.

-I can't remember any of it now.

-Speech? What speech?

-Soil.

-Soil?

I...I feel our marriage, it's rooted in the wrong...soil.

No, I've gone again.

I'm not really following you, sweetie.

-I feel that the soil...

-CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE POPS

-THEY CHEER

-..I've been in...has...

has not been assisting my...my...well, my growing.

Could we just drop the whole soil thing?

-I've moved in with Abby.

-What?

-Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.

-Murray!

-Is this about missing your birthday breakfast or...?

Well, yeah. No.

Look, the truth is, Murray, you're never around.

You're too busy with everyone else.

Murray, people are getting thirsty!

Oh, sorry, Don. Be right with you.

Although, I am actually with Bex at the moment, so perhaps...

Come on, you two. You're missing the party.

-We want to make a toast!

-OK. All right, Dad.

Look, you're in Bilbao next week.

The following weekend you're at a Two Peaks cycling challenge,

then you're off on a murder mystery weekend with Grant.

-Ooh!

-Sorry.

-Oh, hi, Murray.

Ooh, sorry, am I interrupting something?

-Oh, no, no! Everything's good.

-Yeah, it's fine. I'm was leaving.

Just... Actually, Bex, could we just talk about this?

Actually, can I just have a quick word?

Sorry, Tamzin, it's not...

It's just, that you know I was joking earlier

about Curtis seeing someone else.

Thing is, I reckon he is.

-I really can't comment on that.

-So he is.

-What makes you say that?

-The look on your face.

-Bex?

-Murray, I've put the candles on the cake,

-but I've probably done it all wrong.

-Oh, no, Keeley, you've done great.

Murray, there's somebody here with another cake!

-Wow.

-Hello, Murray.

-Emma, hello!

Oh! Oh, you've got two cakes, Bex. Isn't that great?!

Oh, yes, yes.

-It's carrot cake - your favourite.

-Thank you, Emma.

Er, this is Emma, everybody.

Someone else from the small business desk.

There's two cakes, everyone!

Carrot cake and... Er, what's this one, Keeley?

-It's carrot cake.

-Carrot cake! There we go.

Murray. I can't actually do this.

Ooh! Come on, you two! Photo together.

Right, over here, in front of the orchestra.

What's wrong with you, Bex?! Give him a kiss!

Kiss, kiss...

-ALL CHANTING:

-Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss...

-Hey-hey!

-THEY CHEER

Er, right, let's have some more champagne.

Grant, could you...? And play some music. Yeah.

Trying to have a party here. Hey-hey!

Ladies and gentlemen, ladies...

Stop the music! Stop the music!

Can I just say what a lovely idea this party is.

A round of applause for the son-in-law of my dreams.

-THEY CHEER

-Well done!

Ooh! APPLAUSE

Bex, if I could just add a few words.

Obviously, you're all here because you love Bex, as I do.

Erm...in fact, she's been the light of my life

since the day we got married 12 years ago...

-And here's to the next 12!

-Yes!

-Absolutely, Don.

And, er, you know, obviously, like any couple,

we've had our ups and downs.

But the key to any successful marriage

is the ability of both partners to change,

and I, for one, am changing.

I mean, I'm changing at work.

You know, take the management conference in Bilbao next week -

won't be going.

I'm changing in other ways.

I'm meant to be going on a murder mystery weekend

in Hayward's Heath - not any more.

It's all about change.

Life and happiness are all about change, and I am changing.

Thank you.

Sorry...no claps.

Perhaps maybe a toast, Murray.

Thank you, Paula. Yes, a toast.

Everyone, please raise your glasses to the beautiful Bex

and the changing Murray!

-ALL:

-To...beautiful...Bex...

-And changing Murray.

-..and changing Murray.

-Superb speech, Murray!

-Thank you.

Come on, let's pick it up, pick it up. Play some upbeat Bach.

Ladies and gentlemen...

-Stop the music! Stop the music!

-Sorry, sorry. It's me again.

Murray, you thought you had all the surprises tonight,

but...the gift that Paula is about to unveil

is our surprise for the both of you.

And it gives me great pleasure to present to you

this luxury beach-side villa on the Turkish Riviera.

It's my hope that this can be a romantic getaway

for the both of you for the rest of your lives.

And that's not all! The adventure starts tonight!

-Tonight?

-Yeah, the cab's outside.

Come on! Your flight leaves in two hours!

I smuggled your passports out last week and booked the tickets.

I've spoken to Curtis and the hospital -

you've both got a week's holiday together!

Wa-hey!

APPLAUSE

Right, let's get these bags in.

Ooh, isn't it exciting?

You'll get to Izmir in time for breakfast.

Don't worry - Mehmet will be waiting for you at the other end.

In you get.

Now, have a lovely, lovely time.

-ALL:

-Bye!

Bye! Stay safe! Bon voyage!

There's some Turkish festival tonight.

Mehmet's going to barbecue a goat.

Bex...you...you've got to tell them what's going on.

-By the way, did you find that memory stick?

-Er...