Episode 2 I Want My Wife Back

"Dear Murray, I'm going away for a bit."

Don, listen, I've got to cancel.

'We've brought Gord and Aud.'

-ALL:

-Hi!

-Hi!

-God, what happened to your ear?

Oh, don't worry. Er, someone bit me, it's fine.

Everyone's been running round like headless chickens

looking for that memory stick. Emma said you had it.

-Yeah, I've got it here. Er...

-Well?

-I've moved in with Abby.

-What?

It gives me great pleasure to present to you

this luxury beach-side villa on the Turkish Riviera.

The adventure starts tonight!

Come on, your flight leaves in two hours!

ALL SHOUT GOODBYE

Right...

Shall we check in?

I'm sorry, I can't do this.

We've got the tickets and everything.

Murray, I know this isn't easy, but I need some time away.

You'll have that. In Turkey.

On my own, Murray.

We could sleep at different ends of the villa.

OK.

-Bex...

-Taxi.

-I'll sleep in the hammock.

-All right, love?

-Can you take me back to Brighton?

-Yeah, course.

-No, no. Not Brighton. We're going to Turkey.

I'll be at Abby's, OK? And I'll call you...

-Please, take it. It's all yours.

-Right, thank you.

Right, where are the tickets?

Please, don't make this more difficult

than it already is, Murray.

-Ooh! New bikini!

-You just leave that, please.

Tickets... Yep.

Passports... Brilliant.

I'll just get you to Turkey, all that stress will disappear.

-Taxi!

-No, no. No.

Er, we're fine, thanks. Not needed. Sorry.

I've no money. Is it OK to stop at a cashpoint?

Go ahead. It's all yours. Yeah, we're going to Turkey.

-Had a nice holiday?

-It was OK.

See? See how relaxed he is, Bex? Come on.

Give me your bag. I'll check in. Come on.

We'll wake up in that golden sunshine

and have a good old natter about...

Bex?

Bex!

Bex! Bex!

Bex...

The plane leaves in an hour!

Bex!

-BEX:

-Morning.

Morning, Bex.

How did you sleep?

-Mm, not great.

-Well, it is a Bodyshape memory-foam mattress.

-I've never had any complaints before.

-No, no.

The mattress was fine. It was just I can't stop thinking about Murray.

Bex...

we discussed this.

To reach your potential, you need to find the right soil.

And the soil in that relationship with Murray is the...

-BOTH:

-The wrong soil.

-Exactly.

Just as Clifford was my wrong soil.

But you're free now, my darling.

Just don't forget we wear the airline slippers in here

with bare feet. Otherwise we smudge the Italian tiling.

-Sorry.

-No, no! You're forgiven.

First offence.

I carry mine around in my pocket, but if ever you forget,

I keep some spares in this container here.

And some by the door.

Oh, that's handy.

It's just a few simple rules.

Otherwise it's anarchy.

Oh, and don't forget, it's book club tonight.

-You have read the book, haven't you?

-Yeah.

-I really enjoyed...

-No, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't tell me what you thought now. Discussion time is later.

SHE SIGHS

PHONE BUZZES

BEEP

-Ah, Don.

-'Hi, Murray.'

I won't be long. Costs a fortune to call Turkey from a mobile.

Oh... Has Bex not spoken to you?

Oh, I know, I know, it's Mehmet, isn't it?

He's just called to apologise

for not being at the airport for you.

He's going to bring round some olives to say sorry.

Sort of Turkish custom.

Oh! Oh, no, no. No, tell him not to bother.

Actually, you've flown in at a really good time.

There's some Turkish festival tonight.

-Mehmet's going to barbecue a goat.

-Right.

Don, I did send a text to Bex reminding her to call you, so...

Text?

-You two not talking to each other?

-HE CHUCKLES

CHUCKLING: No, no, no. It's...

a little bit more complicated than that.

Have you been out on the balcony yet?

-Er... Not yet, no.

-Well, go now.

I've got a little something for you.

-Don, I...

-Go on. I want to hear your reaction.

-Are you there yet?

-Um...

Er...

Yes?

Well? What do you think?

Eh? Eh?

Oh, Don I'm...speechless.

You love it, don't you? I knew you'd love it.

Yes, I do...love it. Yeah.

What do you think of the colour?

I love it.

You were always commenting on my hot tub.

I... Yes, a hot tub, yeah!

-Ha-ha-ha!

-Now, listen.

I don't want you two getting up to any naughtiness in there.

We won't.

Um, Don, I-I...

I really think you should speak to Bex. TAPPING

What is it, Paula?

-SHE MOUTHS

-Sorry, Murray.

I'm being summoned. I'll talk to you later.

Don...

RINGING TONE

'Hi, this is Bex. Please leave a message.'

BEEP Bex...

I really think you should talk to your parents.

You've got to tell them what's going on.

Thanks.

-WOMAN:

-Can I help?

Oh, hi. Hi.

Actually, yes. Um...

I haven't got an appointment,

is there any chance of a wash and blow?

-Yes, of course.

-Great.

What are you doing here?

W-W-What are you doing here?

-You're supposed to be in Turkey.

-TOILET FLUSHES

G-G-Grant!

I thought you were in Turkey.

So you thought you'd use my house?

-My bed?

-Well, I couldn't take her back to Mum's.

Hasn't she got a place of her own?

She's got cats, and you know what I'm like with cats.

-At nine o'clock in the morning?

-Well, she works nights.

She doesn't knock off from the petrol station till eight.

-What do you think?

-I asked you to pop round and clear up,

not drag someone back from the petrol pumps for a quick...pump.

Mark, you said the house was empty.

Wait, Bex didn't open her presents.

Her 40th birthday...

She hasn't even got her presents.

Yeah, look...

If this is all going to get emotional,

I'm really not sure I'm your man.

I just don't know how it got to this.

You know, sometimes in these situations,

it's best just to keep things...

bottled up.

Or you could pop round

and give her the presents. That'll break the ice.

That's actually not a bad idea.

Yeah, and then you could take her out for a coffee

-and, like, really chat things through.

-You're not using the house.

Grant, are we doing this or not?

No, you're not! Go somewhere else.

Let yourself out.

So, are you going anywhere nice on your holidays?

Well, I was. I'm not now.

Yeah, I turned down the chance of going to Turkey last night.

I...

I actually got all the way to the airport and couldn't face it.

Long story.

-PAULA:

-Bex?

Bex!

Mum.

BEEPING

Oh, hi, Abby.

Er...

Look, I know it's a bit awkward cos of the situation with Bex,

but probably best if you and I just try and get along.

What do you want, Murray?

I-I-I've got these birthday presents for her, so...

She's hurting, Murray. Really hurting.

So if I could just give them to her.

Do you want to know the name of the person who hurt her?

Rather just give her the presents.

The name of the person who hurt her is Murray.

Yes, I thought it might be.

Er, could I please just speak to my wife?

-SIGHING:

-She's not in.

Right.

Do you know where she is, or...?

For your information, I'm trying to create a Murray-free zone here.

-Thanks for the heads-up.

-A Murray-less safe haven.

I'll take the presents...

-I'd like to give them to her.

-No, no.

-No, give them to me.

-I want to give her the presents myself.

No! I don't want you coming back!

PHONE RINGS

Oh, hi, Bex. Where are you?

Why are you at your parents'?

What...? Hey! No...

She doesn't want to see you, Murray.

-PAULA:

-Go on through. I'm just making lunch.

Oh, Murray.

I can't believe it.

Bex! Your husband's here.

-Hi, Bex.

-Murray.

Happy birthday.

Yeah, thanks.

I'll put them down here.

How's your dad taken it?

I haven't spoken to him yet.

Mum said to wait for him to finish his bird table.

-Oh.

-Don!

Keeley'll be here in a minute.

Remember she's bringing her new boyfriend.

Can you do it?

-What?

-Tell Dad.

You want me to tell your dad you've left me?

Yeah, well, he'll take it better coming from you.

-DON:

-Oh!

-It's best.

I'd like to see next-door's cat have a go at that!

-What's going on?

-Look, Dad, we've, um...

We've got some news that we want to tell you.

-Haven't we, Murray?

-Not really. Um...

Tell me what?

Bex, I think you should, um...

-Go on, Murray.

-Bex, you do it.

-Come on.

-Bex!

What is it?

Don, um...

Er...

Bex and I are taking...

a...

a bit of a break from each other.

What does that mean?

We've sort of separated.

-Oh, my God.

-Just for a few days.

-It might be a bit longer.

-Difficult to know exactly how long.

Yeah, I just need to sort my head out.

It's that bit that's making the exact time calculation difficult.

-I spoke to you in Turkey this morning.

-Yes...

I'm really sorry about that. We never actually got on the plane.

-No.

-Ah...

I'm sorry. Excuse me. I just need to get some fresh air.

That was horrible.

He took it pretty well, considering.

DOOR CLOSES

BIRD CAWS

OK, well, I think I'd better get going.

No, no, no. No. Don't go, Murray, stay for lunch.

Oh, that's very kind, Paula, but I...

I...

-can't.

-Course you can.

We're family.

DOOR OPENS

Right, whenever I had any business problems,

I'd get out a old envelope,

draw a line down the middle and work out the pros and the cons.

So...

Murray...

Pros. Er...

Good-looking.

Good sense of humour.

-Er, smells nice...

-No, Dad, sorry, we are not doing this.

Now, cons.

Come on, Bex. Throw them out.

Or we could just carry on with the pros.

-I mean...

-Come on, Bex. What are the cons?

OK, put "absent". He's just not been around.

-He's at work all the time.

-Yeah, well, that's not a con.

He's working hard so his wife can have a nice house, nice holidays.

It's a good point, Bex.

I'm sorry, could you be any more sexist?

Yeah, that is a bit sexist, Don.

-I can't believe how sexist that is, Don.

-I'm just trying to help.

DOOR OPENS KEELEY: Hiya.

-ALL:

-Hi!

-Oh...

-Um, this is Zak.

Um... This is my mum and dad.

-This is Don and Paula.

-Hi.

-Hello, Zak.

-Hello, Zak.

And this is my sister, Bex.

- And her husband, Murray. - Hi, Zak.

-Hey.

-Um...

Why...? Why aren't you in Turkey?

They've... They've split up.

- Temporarily. - Is it my fault?

No, it's not your fault. You know, it's been on the cards for a while.

-A while?

-What are you talking about?

I mean, he's the best thing that's ever happened to you.

Oh, thank you, Don.

When you think of some of the idiots you were with before...

Yes, your father's right.

I mean, it beggars belief. I mean,

some of the muppets you girls have brought through that front door.

CLOCK CHIMES

I've got a box of chocolates for you, Paula.

Oh!

And for you, Don, a nut sock for your new bird table.

-Oh...

-That's...

-Thank you, Zak.

-..that's lovely.

They're a mixture of white and dark truffles.

Yeah... Can we get back to my list?

Dad, you know, Zak and Keeley are here.

-Yeah, I don't think we should...

-Well, they don't mind.

OK, fine. Yeah, put "promising one thing and then doing another".

-That won't fit on the board.

-What do you mean?

Well, you said you'd to talk to Curtis

about not taking so much work on.

Ah, yes, well, I'm actually going in to see him this afternoon.

Yeah, I'm sorry, but I've actually heard all that before.

Really, I am. SHE SIGHS

-At least give him a chance, Bex.

-Yes, your mother's right.

Yeah, thanks for the input, but this is...this is between me and Murray.

The nut sock works for most bird tables.

You can hang it loose, or...

lie it on the flat bit.

Yeah. I'm sure it's wonderful.

-LIFT:

-'Doors opening.'

'Going up.'

Murray!

Oh, hi, Emma. Have you seen Curtis today?

Aren't you meant to be in Turkey?

Ah, yes. Er...

Oh, it's just, um...

Well, Bex and I are experiencing

a few difficulties in our marriage at the moment, and, er...

..she's moved out.

-That's fantastic!

-Sorry?

That's terrible. Really terrible.

Obviously, I'm going to do everything I can

to get her back, so...

Is there any point if she's already made her mind up?

It's not cut and dried yet, so...

-But she's moved out.

-Temporarily.

-She must be mad to leave you.

-Sorry?

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply

that she was, you know, actually mad!

-I didn't think you were. I was just...

-Is she, though?

I mean, not clinically, but has she had any...

..trouble in the past?

LIFT DOORS OPEN

INDISTINCT OFFICE CHATTER

Murray.

Yeah, I'm not in Turkey.

I'll cut to the chase. Er, Bex has left me.

-Oh, no.

-Yeah.

So we didn't think it was that good an idea to go on holiday together.

I'm really sorry, mate.

Tamzin always held you two up as having the perfect marriage.

Yeah, well... HE SIGHS

-..these things happen, you know.

-So who is it, then?

-What?

-Who's the lucky lady you're...

-There is no lucky lady.

-Is it Ruth from foreign exchange?

-No!

-Come on, you can tell me.

-There's no-one.

-Come on.

-There isn't anyone.

-Come on, Murray.

-There's no-one!

OK. OK.

-So who's Bex seeing?

-Bex isn't seeing anyone either!

OK. Fine. If that's what you want to believe.

Oh, very nice.

Maybe I should have done a bit more of that.

How often do you get Tamzin flowers?

These aren't for Tamzin.

They're for...someone else.

-Oh.

-My...

roofer.

Well, his wife. They...work as a team.

OK. Actually, I wanted to run something past you.

-Um...

-Just a heads-up, but in an ideal world,

Tamzin wouldn't need to know about the flowers.

-Sure, yeah. Fine.

-By the way, did you find that memory stick?

-Er, yeah.

-Good, cos I've got enough problems with Pentratech as it is,

without telling them I've lost all their data.

In fact, I might need you to go over and see them.

Actually, it's on that point I wanted to discuss, because...

well, Bex thinks that part of our problem might be

that I've got my work-life balance wrong, and I was thinking of...

going part-time.

Or maybe some sort of flexitime arrangement.

Er...

Certainly scaling my hours back a bit.

-CHUCKLING:

-Mm.

That's very interesting, cos...

I wasn't supposed to tell you this till next week,

but, er...what the hell.

What difference does a few days make?

Tell me what? HE CHUCKLES

We're offering you a promotion.

HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE AND CHUCKLES

Hi, Murray.

I was wondering if now might be a good time

to talk about my performance review.

Not really, Nereesha. I'm not really supposed to be in today.

-I'm meant to be in Turkey, remember?

-It's just that

I was meant to have the opportunity to present my views on it yesterday.

Yes, yes, I'm sorry about that. Turned into quite a stressful day.

It says here, and I quote,

"Nereesha doesn't always display the flexibility

"that the situation requires."

It's a small criticism. Er, could we pick this up another time?

I'd rather we deal with it now.

Yes, you see, this is where that word "flexibility" comes in.

LIFT BELL DINGS

You see, it's difficult to wait

with this character assassination hanging over me.

Right. Er, well, can it just sort of hang over you a little bit longer?

I...

-WOMAN:

-Hello, darling!

Thanks.

PHONE RINGS

-Hi, Tamzin.

-Hi, Murray. Do you know where Curtis is?

No. No, no. I don't. Um...

I can't get hold of him on his mobile.

We're going to the theatre. He said to meet him here at 5.30.

Oh, yes. He's... He's got a meeting with, um...

-..I think it was marketing.

-Right.

Cos his assistant said there's nothing in his diary.

This keeps happening.

Is there something I should know, Murray?

No. No, no, no, absolutely, definitely not.

In fact, actually, yeah, I...

I remember, um, he was going to get his phone fixed

at the...phone shop, yes.

Yeah, it was the phone shop, yeah.

Right. I'll just wait here for him, then.

Thanks. Bye, Murray.

CAR HORN TOOTS

Hello, sweetheart. What are you doing here?

What am I doing here? We're going to the theatre...to see Cats.

Of course. Yes. Cats, that's why I rushed back from the meeting.

The phone shop.

Yeah.

The...phone shop. I've been to the phone shop.

-Hello, Murray.

-Hi, Curtis.

Tamzin. Sorry, I was just in the...cafe.

So you got your phone fixed? OK, cos I know

you're having a problem with your phone.

Yeah. They did a good job fixing it. It's a...pretty good phone shop.

It is a good phone shop, yeah. I got my phone fixed there, too, so...

So the good thing is,

if we need to make any calls on the way to Cats, we can.

I thought we agreed, Curtis,

that you would get back to me if I called.

Yeah, but the phone wasn't working.

That's why I was in the phone shop.

Well...

We don't want me getting all suspicious again,

do we, sweetheart, hm?

Absolutely.

HE WHISPERS: Thank you.

-Is now a good time?

-No.

Grant!

HE SIGHS

I've cleared up everything after the party.

That's what Tina and I were...

-..doing.

-Right.

I want you both out of here.

No problem. If you can just give us 15 minutes.

-Now.

-OK. Er...

If you find a thong, it's Tina's.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh! Hi, Paula. Er...

-Hello, Murray. Look, can I ask a favour?

Yeah, please. Go ahead. Yeah, yeah.

It's just that I'm going to my sister's.

I promised I'd be her eyes for the next week.

But the trouble is, well,

I'm worried about leaving Don on his own.

Oh! Oh, don't worry. You know, I can look in on him, make sure he's OK.

He hasn't said a word for two hours,

and he's thrown that bird table on the bonfire.

-As I said...

-I've packed a suitcase.

-Huh?

-He's not very good at being on his own at the best of times.

-Oh, I see. Er...

-Don... Don!

Murray's agreed to take you, but you have got to start talking.

-By the way, the leg of your sofa's broken.

-What?

Oh! I'll get your case, Don.

Did you, er, find a DVD yet, Don?

There's...

There's loads there on the shelf.

Ooh, er...

Sorry if it's a bit lumpy.

Not sure where Bex keeps the blender.

Er... Sorry, Don.

TV PLAYS

Oh.

OK.

The wedding video.

It's just coming up to the bit where you say your vows.

Yeah...

Are you sure this is a good idea, Don?

-I mean...

-You look so happy, both of you.

Yeah, we were.

And we will be again, you know.

Come on. Got to eat something.

I'm not sure I'm going to be able to cope.

Well, you know, we've got to be, um...

..strong.

Um...

I can't imagine life without you.

Thanks.

Everyone... Everyone, this is Bex.

Bex, this is book club.

-ALL GREET BEX

-Get your slippers on!

-Hi, everyone.

-ALL:

-Hi.

Thank you for letting me join you.

Abby's told me all about you all,

and it's exactly the sort of thing that I need to be doing.

-ABBY:

-Bex left her husband last night.

ALL EXCLAIM

-Welcome to the team!

-LAUGHTER

-WOMAN:

-Well done!

So...! Who was he cheating on you with?

He... He wasn't.

They all say that.

Mine lied to me for three years.

-But you got your own back, Lin.

-Oh!

I wrote what I thought of him down the side of his Lexus.

Excuse the bad language!

LAUGHTER

Er, I don't know about...about you all, but I love this book.

-We'll come on to the book later.

-Yeah.

So...when did you decide to leave him?

Yesterday.

MURMURING

And what I really love about the story...

Mine was doing it with my Zumba instructor. Oh, Jane!

Tell Bex how you dumped your last husband. Ho-ho!

ALL CHATTER

Go on!

LAUGHTER

DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE

Don?

Don?

Don?

Don?

Don?

Don?

KNOCK ON DOOR

-I just dropped off and then he'd gone!

-So where is he?

DON SNORES

-I can't move him.

-What...?

Don, I'm back again. I'm with Bex this time.

-Um...

-Pull him over to you. Be careful.

One, two, three... Come on, Don.

How much has he had?

-Oh!

-I don't know.

I lost count. Just sort of, you know, left him to it.

-What's he doing here anyway?

-DON GROANS

Right, well, your mum has gone to your aunt's,

so I'm just looking after him for a few days.

-Nice job(!)

-Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa!

Whoa.

Well, someone's got to take care of him.

You're at Abby's.

-Keeley's, well...

-Hopeless.

Yeah, well, something like that. Oh!

-Thank you.

-Hey, I don't mind.

I've lost a wife, but, hey, I've gained a 64-year-old housemate.

Oh!

I, er...spoke to Curtis, by the way.

About going part-time.

Oh, yeah? How did that go?

-They offered me a promotion.

-I see.

More money. A company car.

Good. Congratulations. I'm sure...

I turned it down.

Oh.

OK.

Right.

Good, right...

Well, one more heave...

I reckon we can get him onto the sofa.

Come on, Don. Come on, Don. Standing up.

There we go.

-Walking now. Walking.

-Help.

-Let's all go to the wedding.

-No, we're not going to the wedding, Don.

We're going to the sofa. Come on.

One, two, three. Oh!

SOFA CRUNCHES LOUDLY

Grant!

PHONE RINGS OK...

Hi, Mum.

Yeah, yeah, I'm still up.

Oh, well, I've had better.

Oh, you're on the line, too, Dad.

Hi. Er...

Sorry, Mum, could you just hold a second?

Yes.

It's my parents.

Could you tell them?

I'm chairing a committee for the CT fundraiser at the moment,

and I'm completely swamped.

-You did find that memory stick, didn't you?

-Yeah.

What are you doing here?

No.