Episode 3 I Want My Wife Back

"Dear Murray, I'm going away for a bit."

-I've moved in with Abby.

-What?

By the way, did you find that memory stick?

Er, yeah.

Don't want me getting all suspicious again, do we, sweetheart?

I'm worried about leaving Don on his own.

Murray?

Murray?

I know you're here, because your car's here.

GLASS CLINKS

Oh, Abby's been very cavalier

about mixing her recyclables with her non-recyclables.

-Not very green at all.

-What are you doing?

I mean, the council colour-coded these bins for a reason, and...

OK, I was worried about you.

Yes, well, I'm beginning to worry about you.

That film finished an hour and 50 minutes ago. I mean, where have you been?

I went for a bite to eat with a friend. Do you want to see the bill?

No, no, I believe you. It's just... It's ten past midnight. I mean...

Do you have the bill, out of interest?

Murray, this really isn't what I had in mind when we talked about

me having space to do my own thing.

I know, but it's been a week now. We haven't seen each other.

Do you recall the discussion we had?

-About boundaries?

-Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

-The boundaries thing.

-Uh-huh.

So who were you with tonight?

Someone from work, if you must know.

-A paramedic.

-Oh.

That's mainly a...male job, isn't it?

It was a woman.

But there are obviously women who do it, too, which is...

-as it should be.

-Hang on.

How did you know the film finished an hour and 50 minutes ago?

I happened to be near the cinema, and...

I saw you go in. Look, I can't help it. I miss you.

I-I worry about you when you're not with me.

You know, there's all sorts of weirdos around at this time of night.

-Yes, hiding behind people's bins.

-DOOR OPENS

Do you want me to call the police, Bex?

No, Abby, it's OK.

Whatever he's saying, don't listen to him.

You're looking well, Abby.

Look, I just think if we spent some time together and chatted things through...

Murray, I'm chairing a committee for the CT fundraiser at the moment

and I'm completely swamped.

So if it's all right with you,

it would be good if I could get some sleep now that I'm safely home.

Bex...

Don't call it home.

Good night, Murray.

HE SIGHS I knew we should have parked down the road.

-GLASS CLINKS

-It's too far to walk.

-DON:

-Murray?

Yeah, I'm in here, Don. Sorry.

DOOR OPENS

-Paula's on her way.

-Oh, right.

Er... Come to pick you up?

I don't want to go.

I know, but, you know, we discussed this, Don.

You have to go back to your wife.

This was just an interim thing.

-I worry about you.

-Oh, that's very touching, Don.

I don't like the idea of leaving you on your own.

Feel free to drop in.

When?

Soon?

Have you read Divorce Deterrent

-by Suranne Miles?

-No. No, I haven't.

How about Let's Save Our Marriage by Dan Gernon?

-Been pretty busy, so...

-I read them both last night.

How would you feel about me helping you and Bex

as a sort of marriage guidance counsellor?

That's... That's... That's very kind, Don. It's a great idea.

Um... Not sure that would...work,

you know, with you being Bex's dad.

-I'll be very discreet.

-That's... That's...good to hear.

You know, I'd just be concerned, and...

do you not need professional qualifications for that?

Maybe you should be talking to

a professional marriage guidance counsellor, then.

That a terrific idea, Don, but...

Bex feels at the moment that she, um...

Well, she's just very keen on...boundaries.

Um...

Just while she concentrates on her...charity event.

Um... Tell you what.

You could...buy some tickets. That'd cheer her up.

DOORBELL RINGS

Ooh, I think that might be Paula. Er...

-Right.

-Yeah...

Might be... Might be easier for you to get that, Don.

DOOR CLOSES

Oh...

Hi, Emma. Er, actually, I was, er, just wondering.

Late notice, so don't worry if you can't,

but what are you doing on Friday?

Nothing.

You don't want to check your diary, or...?

-I'm free.

-OK. Um...

And if I've got anything, I can easily cancel it.

OK. It's a fundraiser for the hospital, it's at the Adelphi.

Quite a glamorous night, you know, blacktie...

Oh, my God. I would love to go with you.

It's the CT scanner appeal my wife's running, so...

-Oh.

-LIFT DINGS

Good, well, er, glad you can come.

-I thought you were separated.

-Well, temporarily.

But I really want the event to go well for her,

so, you know, I'm putting a table together.

-And will she be there, your wife?

-Yeah.

-Yeah. On a different table.

-Fantastic.

For her. To have her own table.

Yeah... Shall I put you down for two tickets, then?

No, just one.

Just the one ticket? No boyfriend, or...?

No, Murray.

Can I put you down for the charity event, Nereesha?

I don't think so, Murray. I'm not really feeling myself at the moment.

-Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

-Usually,

I'm the life and soul of a party, but these days...

Yes, er...

You know, maybe a night out will do you good.

There's a harpist, I think, from the London Philharmonic,

and a comedian, so...

I hate comedians. Always so much pressure to laugh.

OK, I'll put you down for two, then, shall I, you and Steve?

Yes, all right, then, but we're not really talking much at the moment,

what with our many unresolved problems.

-Ah, yes...

-Our sexual problems.

-Right.

-I think I mentioned them to you.

You did, yes. I'll put you down for a couple, shall I?

It's like lying next to a block of ice under that duvet.

Y-You're vegetarian, aren't you?

Yes, but he knew that when he married me. Why would that put him off?

Well, it-it's just we'd have to let the caterers know.

-Murray, can I have a word?

-Oh, yes. Hi, Curtis. Er...

-Everything OK?

-Could be better.

Pentratech have been on, something about a breach of their data protection.

You did find that memory stick, didn't you?

Yeah. Yeah.

-Well, where is it?

-Um...

-I'll... I'll get it.

-Good.

And, oh, I need you to help me with something.

I've got this appointment this afternoon.

You don't have three £2 coins, do you, for the machine in the hotel gents?

-No. No, no, I don't.

-OK.

Anyway, I need you to stand in for me for something. It's nothing much.

Just a committee meeting for the CT scanner appeal people.

-What?

-The bank's sponsoring the event.

I'd go myself, but this appointment came up,

and I'd really like to go to that.

-Do you have any change at all?

-No, I don't.

Sorry, look, the problem is, Curtis, Bex is chairing that committee.

Yeah, no, I know. That's why I thought of you.

Well, it could be a bit awkward.

We're separated.

-Really?

-Yeah. I have told you.

No, no, no, it'll be fine. Look, the committee's expecting us

to cough up for a bigger room for their big event.

You'll just have to tell them no.

Well, it's just, Bex has been talking about boundaries and, you know,

keeping a bit of distance from each other.

Thanks, mate. Really appreciate it.

Damian, have you got any £2 coins?

Murray!

-Are you on the committee now?

-Oh, hi, Gina.

-Er, just for today, I think. Yes.

-Oh.

You're looking well.

Oh, well, adopting is the best thing that's happened to me and Jeff.

-Oh, yes, yes, congratulations. Ohh...

-Well, it was worth the wait.

Hey, when are you and Bex going to start thinking about having kids?

Neither of you are getting any younger, you know.

Well, it's a little bit difficult at the moment.

-Oh, are you having problems?

-Yeah, something like that...

Oh, Jeff and I were the same.

Well, listen, I'll get you the number of the adoption agency, if you like.

-Oh, no...

-Oh, Marian, can I just...?

I didn't think you were going to be here. Yes!

I haven't seen you since Judith's dinner. Hi.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Look, I'm sorry. It wasn't my idea. Curtis couldn't make it.

-What happened to boundaries, Murray?

-I know, but don't worry.

You won't even know I'm here.

Hello, Madam Chair.

Oh, hi, Julian.

Hi. Er...

Murray. Bex's husband.

-Oh, hi.

-This is Julian.

He's a director of Wolverton Invests.

They've been huge supporters of the charity.

Well, we do what we can.

Terrific. Heh! I like that can-do attitude.

Not the can-don't.

Or is it can't-do?

Can't-don't...?

Can... Can-do...

Right, thank you for coming, everyone. I suppose we ought to get started.

Fantastic idea, Bex. CLAPS HANDS

Um... This is Murray, everyone.

Um... Curtis couldn't be here, so he sent Murray along.

Looking forward to helping in any way I can.

So, our first item is venue.

Now, you may remember that we're looking to get a commitment from the bank

to fund the larger room at the Adelphi.

Er... Murray.

Right, yes, er...

Yeah, thank you for raising that point, Bex. Um...

Great chairing, by the way. Er, I think our view...

well, Curtis's, really, is that while we're happy to help the appeal,

go the extra mile in any way,

this particular mile...

might be a bit too...extra.

-So what does that mean?

-Well, with any sponsorship,

there is, of course, a ceiling,

-and, you know, I think our view...

-You're not paying for it.

-No.

-Well, we were led to believe

that the funding would be available.

Oh, look, honey...

I mean, Bex... I mean, Chairman. Er, Chairperson. Chair?

Forgotten what I was going to say.

-How much money are we talking about?

-Um...

-It's £800.

-I'll transfer the money this afternoon.

Thank you, Julian. Thank you, that's so kind.

-MURMURS OF APPRECIATION

-Great!

So, moving on, um,

I'll be honest, the whole auction segment of the evening is...

it's not looking great.

We really could do with some bigger prizes,

anything to add a bit of glamour.

So any thoughts, anyone?

How about some... celebrity involvement, you know?

Well, we've thought of that,

but they're quite hard to pin down for this sort of thing.

It's just I know with my cycling club,

we launched this Get On Your Bike appeal, you know, for child obesity.

Oh, I heard about that.

Joanna Lumley came, made a little speech, cut the tape.

Yeah, we're really not going to get Joanna Lumley.

Oh, I love Joanna Lumley.

Sure, yeah, I love Joanna Lumley, too, but it sounds like a bit of a long shot.

Yeah, cos I was thinking, for the charity auction,

the prize could be dinner with Joanna Lumley.

Yeah, we're not going to get Joanna Lumley.

She's done wonderful work with the Gurkhas.

And, actually, I've heard

she's been very supportive of other projects in Brighton.

Like my cycling club. In fact, my friend Grant's got her agent's number, so...

That's a brilliant idea, Murray. Brilliant.

MURMURS OF AGREEMENT

So, you really think that you can get Joanna Lumley?

-Absolutely.

-Right.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Yes, yes, er... Thanks for calling back.

I got your details from Grant Hutchins.

He was the one liaising with you on the Get On Your Bike campaign.

Yes, him. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, er, well, I'm...I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, Grant's an acquired taste, I suppose.

Anyway, this time, we were hoping Joanna might able to attend...

No, no, Grant's not coming. It's nothing to do with him. Yeah.

Yeah, no, no, understood. Sorry she felt that way. Um...

In principle, might it be something that she'd be interested in?

No, I promise you he won't be there.

Right, so...I'll wait to hear back, then, shall I, or...?

Booth. Murray Booth. Yeah. Thank you.

Bye.

Sorry I'm late. I couldn't find anything to wear.

Everything made me look like an abattoir.

Keeley, you look lovely.

I've had it for years. I can't carry it off.

Nonsense. Look, Belinda over there's wearing exactly the same,

she looks fantastic.

Oh, great, she's wearing the same dress!

No, it's not the same. It's similar. But look how good Belinda looks in it.

Belinda's 50.

-Are you saying I look 50?

-Is that the cake for the raffle?

Oh... Er, yeah. No, sorry, I was going to do four tiers,

but then I got another order and I got distracted.

Basically, I hate myself.

Hello, Keeley.

-Oh, hi.

-Love the dress.

Oh, thank you, Murray. Thank you.

Must be the latest thing. Belinda's got one just like it.

God! Wrong cake, wrong dress...

-What did I say?

-Don't. So, Joanna Lumley!

-Still on schedule.

-I still can't believe

-you managed to get her.

-Yes, well, I think her agent

found me pretty persuasive.

-I've not lost my charm, you know.

-Well, clearly not.

This is fantastic, by the way.

I mean, the room, the decorations,

the internationally acclaimed harpist.

You've done an amazing job.

Oh, thank you. And thank you for bringing a whole table full of people.

Well, you know, I just want the evening to go well for you, you know.

Um...

You look great, by the way.

-You don't look too bad yourself.

-Yeah, well,

it's my speciality, isn't it?

Not too bad. BOTH CHUCKLE

CHUCKLES

Oh, hello, Abby. Uh, doesn't the room look great?

As do you.

Just like the room, only...smaller. Um...

-Bex, could I have a word?

-Yeah, sure.

Uh, I should flog some of those raffle tickets for you, Bex.

OK, um, £1 a ticket, £4 a strip.

Yeah, I may not strip. Heh!

Do you remember what we said

about not letting the fox back into the henhouse, Bex?

Yes, but the fox has given us Joanna Lumley.

He's still a fox, Bex. Just like Clifford.

A bad fox. Bad, bad fox.

What are you doing here?

Oh, nice! First of all you say to come along,

and then you leave a message to say there's no tickets.

Who let you in?

Sanj invited me. The cycling club bought a table.

What time is Joanna getting here? I can't wait to catch up with her.

-Now, look, Grant...

-Is it a free bar?

No, it's not a free bar! It's a charity event.

We're raising money for a CT scanner!

-PAULA:

-Murray...

I've been watching you across the room.

It breaks my heart that you and Bex aren't together.

I know.

Um...

You won't put any revenge porn on the internet, will you?

What? No, no.

Oh, good.

-Murray...

-Grant!

-..there's someone I want you to meet.

-Oh. Oh, yeah...

This is Florence. She's a marriage guidance counsellor.

Right. Hello, Florence.

-Hello.

-I was just telling Florence

-about your situation.

-I'm happy to help.

Well, that's very kind, but I'm not sure we're at that point yet.

It's early days.

Personally, I think the sooner you two get talking, the better.

-Uh, Bex! Over here!

-No, really, Don.

Let's not bother Bex with this tonight.

-Meet Florence.

-Oh, hello, Florence.

-Hello.

-She's a marriage guidance counsellor.

Now, I've agreed with Murray that we should

get on with some sessions for you two.

-What?

-I'm not sure that was the plan, Don.

They need help, Florence.

I'll just get a pen so we can sort out some dates.

-Dad...

-Yeah, I was hoping to bump into you two.

I've got that number of the adoption agency.

Murray said you'd been having problems.

Oh, no, no, when I said problems, I meant...

Sorry, I'm getting mixed signals here.

You're separated, but you're thinking of adopting?

You're separated?

-Yeah.

-Oh, no.

Only temporarily.

But if you've separated, I really wouldn't recommend adoption.

Oh, no. It would be terribly confusing for the children.

Yes, children need stability.

-No, no. We're not thinking of adoption.

-Oh, sorry, Bex.

It's just that Murray said you've been having problems conceiving,

which is why I suggested adoption.

-I haven't had any problems conceiving.

-Oh, you're already pregnant!

You're pregnant, but you're separated?

Yeah, I think what's happened here is...

If you're pregnant, I'm not sure you should be drinking, Bex.

I'd have to agree with that.

No, no. I'm not pregnant.

But you're trying for a baby, even though you're separated?

No. Who said anything about trying to get pregnant or adoption?

Raffle ticket, anyone? Er...

Sorry, can you excuse me a moment?

Bex, you know, obviously, people have wanted to know what's happening with us,

but I've not told anyone we're trying for a baby, you know...

Not a great start to the evening, Murray.

Look, Bex, I'm here to help, so...

Yeah, well, it would be helpful if I could just concentrate on the event.

Absolutely, yeah.

Those two get on so well together,

-don't they?

-Hi, Tamzin.

Yeah, well, they've been spending a lot of time on the committee together, so...

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

-A lot of evenings together.

-What?

You're absolutely right.

Bex has left you, and I'm pretty sure Curtis is having an affair.

-I am going to have it out with them.

-Tamzin, no.

Uh, Tamzin, not now. It's Bex's big night.

Have you met the other people on our table?

Come and meet Nereesha. She's great fun. Come here.

Bex, I just want you to know that if there's anything I can do

to help you and Murray get back together, just say.

Oh, thank you, Grant. Thanks.

But if you are going to split, I would like my wedding present back.

What?

Well, no disrespect, but it was a present for you as a couple.

Well, we don't know if we are splitting up for good.

Well, if you do, I want it back.

-Oh, it's a wonderful event, Murray.

-Good.

Glad you're enjoying it, yes.

-What's happening afterwards?

-After?

-After it's finished.

-Oh, I-I think people will...

will probably just go home.

Oh. I've booked a room here tonight.

Have you? That's... That's good. Er, saves the walk home.

Yes. They've given me room 488, which is funny,

because 4's one of my favourite numbers, and 1988's one of my favourite years.

The year I was born, actually. So 488 is an ideal number for me.

-488.

-LAUGHS

-Yeah. Yeah, it's...

-Look, Grant...

-Whatever. You can have it back.

-Excuse me.

Um...

Can I help?

Yes, Grant wants his wedding present back.

Toasted sandwich maker. I thought a toaster was too obvious.

I'll deal with this. Don't worry.

-Toasted sandwich maker.

-Grant...

-What time's Jo getting here?

-Oh, yeah.

-About that, the Joanna Lumley thing.

-Yeah.

Yeah, you've got to stay away from her.

-What?

-She doesn't want you anywhere near her.

-Yeah, right.

-No, I mean it.

Her agent couldn't have been more clear.

She lays eyes on you, she's in her car and back to London.

What are you talking about?

We got on like a house on fire at that cycling club thing.

That's not how she saw it. Sorry.

Thank you.

GAVEL TAPS

So, I, er... I hope you all enjoyed your meals, er, everyone.

Apologies, er, to those who were offended by the comedian.

We'd just like to say that the views expressed by him

were not those of the CT scanner appeal.

OK, er, coming up next, the raffle!

CHEERING

Thank you.

Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves except us, Murray.

No, no, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Murray, will you be honest with me? Do you find me a drag to be around?

Well, I wouldn't use those exact words.

Steve said I'm a drag. That's why he's not here.

-We had a bit of a ding-dong.

-Right.

Things got heated. He said he couldn't bear being in my company.

BEX LAUGHS

-CURTIS:

-OK, moving on...

-Murray?

-A drag?

I think that's...that's going a bit far.

It's just, I do find sometimes, when I'm talking,

people come up with all manner of excuses to get away.

Sorry, Nereesha. I did promise I'd help pack up the tombola. Sorry.

-CHEERING JULIAN:

-Oh, yeah, I'd love to.

And thank you so much, Julian. You know, you've been so helpful.

Oh, it's such a good cause.

-And you've worked so hard.

-Yeah, she has.

SCOTTISH ACCENT: She's a bonnie wee worker.

What's with the Scottish thing?

I don't know. Don't know.

-You remember Murray.

-Yes, your ex-husband.

-Still-husband.

-I didn't mean to cause any offence.

-No, no. None taken.

-CHUCKLES

Anyway, um, Bex, if you do fancy a night down the Admiral club,

there's plenty of fat wallets down there.

-Great, I'd really love that.

-PHONE BUZZES

Sorry, better get that. Joanna Lumley. Her agent. Uh, for me.

-Sorry. One sec. CURTIS:

-And our next number is...

-..373!

-YELPING

Oh, we have a winner!

-Keeley Wilkie!

-CHEERING

Ha-ha-ha! Well done.

The prize is...

a lovely cake, er, freshly baked and donated by, er...

Keeley Wilkie.

-CHEERING DIES

-Well done, Keeley.

I-I don't understand. I mean, I spoke to you this morning.

What?

No, no. You don't understand.

The whole event has been built around her.

So, ladies and gentlemen, the auction is about to start,

so please get ready to spend, spend, spend.

CHEERING

Fantastic.

Thank you for...

Bex...

Can you sit down? I'd like you to sit down.

-CURTIS:

-Do I hear £20?

-What's happening?

-Joanna Lumley's not coming.

No.

-Can you sit down?

-Please stop telling me to sit down.

-What's happened?

-I don't know. Her agent wouldn't say.

-OK...

-CURTIS:

-So our first item is...

So, she's not coming, and she's not going to do the dinner date?

-No.

-It was supposed to be the big finale.

We would have got £500 for Joanna Lumley.

-I know, I'm sorry.

-It's no good being sorry.

What are we going to do?

Well, maybe someone else could be the date. How about you, Abby?

Me? Don't be ridiculous.

The people out there will be expecting Joanna Lumley.

You're just as attractive as Joanna Lumley.

Yes, but I'm not Joanna Lumley, am I? I wouldn't get £20. It's just absurd.

Well, someone'll give you more than £20, surely.

Are you trying to be rude?

No, no, no. I'm just saying. You know, I'll give you £20 now.

Murray... Murray, can you just go?

No, no, look...

Oh, my God, I don't believe it!

The memory stick!

The one that was missing. It's got all the Pentratech data on it.

Oh!

What a relief!

Obviously, it's not quite as important for you. Um...

Hey, I get that.

I'll go.

Thanks a lot, Murray. I've just spoken to Joanna Lumley's agent.

Told him I was looking forward to renewing our acquaintance tonight,

and he hung up on me. What did you tell him?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

-When did you speak to him?

-Just now.

And you told him you were going to be here?

-Yeah.

-Grant! What have you done!?

-She's not coming!

-CREAKING

HARPIST MOANS

-God, I'm so sorry.

-What have you done?

-You OK? Here...

-I'm fine. I'm fine.

-Here, come on. You all right?

-I'm fine.

-Leave me alone.

-OK.

No!

STRINGS TWANG

STRINGS TWANG, DULL ECHO Sorry.

GAVEL TAPS

As you were.

GAVEL TAPS OK.

-Murray, over here!

-Ladies and gentlemen,

-the moment you've all been waiting for.

-Psst.

-Everything all right?

-Yeah, yeah. Yes.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great disappointment

that I have to reveal that our guest of honour, Joanna Lumley,

will not be joining us tonight.

-MURMURING

-However, we feel

that we have an equally attractive option.

So because she's such a trooper stepping in at the last minute,

our next auction item will be a dinner date with our committee chair, Bex Wilkie.

-Thank you, Bex!

-TEPID APPLAUSE

So, who's going to start the bidding for Bex?

MURMURING

£30?

£30. Thank you, sir. Any advance on 30?

£40!

40 here. Thank you again, sir. £40 is currently bid.

-JULIAN:

-50.

-CURTIS:

-Thank you, sir. £50.

Er... £60!

-60 here.

-70.

-80.

-100.

-CURTIS:

-£100!

-Oh, ho! the bidding's hotting up now.

-PHONE RINGS

-£110.

-Well, it looks like our winning bid...

-120.

-Abby!

I am not having him seduce you over dinner.

-130.

-140.

150.

160. We'll have to go halves.

170.

Abby, please. Really, it's embarrassing.

So, it's currently at 170.

I can't believe there's not a gentleman who won't improve on that

for a night out with the charming Bex Wilkie.

-How do you know how charming she is?

-What?

I'm watching you, Curtis.

We're at 170.

180.

190.

-Don't worry, son.

-It's for you. 200.

-210.

-No, Don, it's fine, really.

220.

So, it's currently at 220 with Bex's husband.

Anyone want to save Murray from the most expensive dinner

-a man will ever have with his wife?

-LAUGHTER

230!

Emma!

240.

Emma, please. 250.

-260.

-Emma!

270.

-£3,000.

-GASPS

-CURTIS:

-Right.

Er, £3,000.

That's put the cat amongst the pigeons.

£3,000 going once.

Twice.

-Gone! Raising £3,000.

-CHEERING

Come and join us on stage.

Never mind, son. You did your best.

-I'm having dinner...with Murray.

-What?!

I am trying to re-propose to my wife.

Maybe I could come round and have a bath at your place.

Murray, help! Ow!