Episode 4 I Want My Wife Back

-She's moved out.

-That's fantastic.

-Sorry?

-That's terrible.

-How often do you get Tamzin flowers?

-These aren't for Tamzin.

They're for...someone else.

-You remember Murray?

-Your ex-husband.

-Still husband.

-I can't believe there's not a gentleman

who won't improve on that

-for a night out with the charming Bex Wilkie.

-£3,000.

AUDIENCE GASPS

There you are! What kept you?

I've just been knocked off my bike.

Oh, my God. Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. Some crap-trumpet in a convertible

clipped me on the Patcham crossroads. They didn't even stop.

-Did you jump the lights again?

-You never take my side, do you?

Grant, I keep telling you - don't jump the lights.

It's just like at school.

You let me get beaten up by that gang behind the gym block.

-They were three girls, Grant.

-They were vicious.

-Look, can I have the ring?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's all this ring business about, anyway?

Having dinner with Bex tonight.

Recreating the night I proposed. Same restaurant,

same table, same violinist that serenaded us.

I am going to re-propose, you know,

-like we're starting all over again.

-Re-propose?

But you're already married. Wouldn't that be bigamy?

No, you're missing the point.

-You've lost the ring!

-It must've fallen out when I got knocked over.

Grant! This is a big night for me!

It's not my fault!

All right! All right!

I'll go back to the Patcham crossroads.

Hurry up!

She'll be here in 20 minutes.

HE GRUNTS

How was the job interview?

Oh...terrible.

I was interviewed by a woman called Sam and a man called Alex,

and I kept calling them by the wrong names.

-Alex has a moustache.

-Yes, well, so has Sam.

Bex, you are in a period of transition.

I felt exactly the same after Clifford.

Yeah, but everything feels like I'm taking one step forward

and then a frying pan gets slapped in my face.

You see, with Clifford, I imposed a Clifford exclusion zone.

You've got to do the same with Murray... Are you going out?

Yeah. I'm having dinner. With Murray.

What?! But you can't.

Murray is a gangrenous limb.

He needs to be severed so you can live.

Abby, he's making a really big effort.

Do you want me to phone? Pretend there's been an accident at Gatwick?

We need every available nurse, and all that?

Abby, really, it's just dinner, OK?

I'll see you later.

Don't let the fungus spread!

ROMANTIC GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS

Table for two, er, name of Booth.

Yes. You phoned earlier about my uncle Enzo.

Yes, yes. The violinist, yeah.

He was, er, playing here for us when I proposed.

12 years ago.

He's coming in especially tonight.

-Let me take you to your table.

-Right.

Sorry, er...

Sorry, I did ask for the table in the corner,

the...the one that I proposed at.

Sorry, I didn't get that message. It's taken.

We've allocated you this one here.

It's not ideal.

I...I wanted to re-propose to my wife at the original table.

Re-propose?

Yeah, it's a gesture of, you know, renewed recommitment.

It's not unduly complicated.

-< Murray?

-Hmm?

Julian Wolverton.

We met at a CT scanner appeal thing.

HIGH-PITCHED: Oh, yes.

I won the auction to have a date with Bex.

-So you did.

-We had a terrific night. She's quite a woman.

Yes. Yes. Yes, she is.

No, really, she's something else. Anyway, it's good to see you.

-Is it? Yes, er...thank you.

-I love this place.

I don't really like cooking, so I tend to eat out most nights.

-We've been coming here for years, so...

-How's Bex?

-She's fine. Yes.

-Sh-Sh-She's not coming.

-What?

She's not here.

Oh? Oh, so you're dining alone?

Yeah, yeah, not with Bex.

Well, not with anyone.

Feel free to join me.

-What?

-Keep me company.

-No, no, don't want to bother you.

-Come on, I insist. Have a seat.

Can we get another gin and tonic over here, please?

-No, no, I really ought to...

-Have a scallop. Here.

It's all right. You won't catch anything.

Hmm?

Mmm. Lovely, lovely.

Yeah, very good.

How about some of that sauce?

Mmm...

Hmm?

-Mmm!

-Ooh, by the way, do you have Bex's number?

MUFFLED: I'm sorry?

I lost my phone sailing,

and I was thinking of giving her a call.

Julian, would you excuse me for a moment? I just...

I just need to warn the maitre d about something.

-Have you decided on which table?

-Neither of them.

-I'm sorry?

There's been a change of plan. We're going to have to go.

But Enzo's coming in.

He's on the bus from Lewes.

OK. Well, you know, I'll be happy to pay his fare and, er...

Here, look, taxi home. But I definitely can't stay here.

Murray!

Hi.

Hello.

Hi!

HE CHUCKLES

Oh!

-You are here.

-Yes.

Sorry, confused.

Wow.

Wow! You... You look terrific.

Thank you. You look... You look pretty good yourself.

-Sorry.

-Sorry.

Bex...

-..I'm not really sure about this place. I think we should go.

-What?

-I know someone who got food poisoning here.

-Really?

Yeah, suspect hygiene standards,

if you ask me. Have you been to the gents?

No, you wouldn't have, but they say "judge a kitchen by its toilets",

-and you wouldn't want to eat off those urinals.

-No, I wouldn't.

I...I really think we should go elsewhere.

Murray, it's just had a great review in the Argos.

Yes, but did they look at the toilets?

Anyway, you proposed here,

-and I've got really fond memories of this place.

-Yeah.

Yeah, me too.

Come on, sit down.

I've...I've ordered a bottle of Chablis.

And you, um... Yeah.

You might want to take off my coat.

Maybe?

SOFTLY: Sorry.

Yeah, Chablis.

Lovely.

Remember that bottle of Chablis we had in... Oh, where was it?

Chablis(?)

Yes, yes, it was, wasn't it?

Beautiful, that day, wasn't it?

Or was it raining? Er... Light drizzle? I really can't remember.

Murray, are you OK?

HE MUTTERS

Vino bianco.

Your gin and tonic.

Oh, no, no, that's not for me. No.

MURRAY LAUGHS

OK.

I feel a bit nervous, for some reason.

-It really feels like a first date.

-Ooh! Are you on your first date?

-No, no.

-No, we're married.

Aw. That is so sweet, to treat every night out

as a first date, eh?

Is that the secret of your success?

-Something like that, yeah.

-I'll be back to take your order.

Sorry, if we are staying,

I just... I...I just need to deal with something.

Er...

-Here's your mail, by the way.

-Thanks.

Ah! There you are. I ordered you some scallops.

Um...I asked for a gin and tonic for my friend?

J-J-Julian, I'm actually with Bex at the moment, so...

-Oh, I thought you were separated.

-Yeah, we are.

-Oh, right,

because I don't want to put anyone's nose out of joint but it's just that

-I had a great night with Bex.

-So you said. Yes, yes.

I don't know if it's appropriate to ask for a second date

-when your relationship's still unresolved.

-Probably not.

PHONE VIBRATES

Sorry, I'm going to have to get this. It's another charity event.

Gavin, how are you? (Order some wine.)

-Julian, I really need to...

-You are ready to order?

Yes, but not here. Sorry...

Darren?

What?

Lovematch UK? You are better looking than your photo.

-Sorry?

-Alice. Teacher.

30. Lied a little bit but...

Likes swimming and horses. Not together, obviously.

I don't like swimming with horses.

I'm sorry, I think you're looking for someone else. Not me. Sorry.

-I...

-Yeah...

Bex, bit of an awkward situation here.

-Er...

-Oh, God.

-What?

-More points.

Murray, I've been done for speeding again.

You know those road signs with the numbers? They're sort of clues(!)

Oh, God! That takes me up to 12. I'm looking at a year's ban.

-Have you decided?

-Oh, no.

My wife's just had some bad news, so we might not be staying.

I'm starving. I'll have the oysters

-followed by sea bass.

-Very good choice.

-Oysters? I didn't know you liked oysters.

-No, I like them now.

And you, sir? The scallops are very nice.

Er...yes, I know.

Um...

He'll have the scallops...

..followed by the pork belly.

-Yeah. She's right, as always.

-Sweet.

Oh, the maitre d said to mention Enzo is here.

Enzo? Oh, Christ! Yeah, yeah.

-Who's Enzo?

-Oh, no, don't worry.

-Is he an out-of-work chauffeur?

-Perhaps he'd like to drive me round while I'm banned.

-Bex, I mean...

I...I could give you a lift to work.

-Sorry?

-I could... I could drive you to work.

Might have to give me a push, though. It's playing up a bit.

-You still don't want to get rid of that car, do you?

-I love that car.

We had our first kiss in that car.

Yeah, but if it's not working you just let it go.

No, no. It's precious to me, you know,

like our marriage.

Might be spluttering but I'm going to do everything I can to fix it.

I thought we had our first kiss at Laura's party.

No, no, no, no. It was in the car. It was at, um,

-Laura's party that we had our first...

-Oh, yes.

In the airing cupboard.

Whatever did happen to Laura?

I don't know. Well, we never got invited back, so...

Thank you. That's very good. Pour another glass, will you? >

She'll be here in a minute.

Curtis. Curtis!

Hi.

Hi.

What are you two doing here?

We're having a meal together.

-Yeah. How's Tamzin?

-Oh, she's fine. Yes. Thank you for asking.

-PHONE RINGS

-Is she joining you?

-Um...

Stay where you are.

No, don't come in.

No, I'll find you.

My, er, chiropractor wants to have a look at my back now.

I told him it's not really appropriate in a restaurant.

I mean, there's no room for his mats.

Actually, change of plan.

I've got to go. Could I have the bill for the Champagne?

I'm at completely the wrong restaurant.

I'm meant to be at the Taj Mahal.

It was only when I looked at the menu

and realised there was no lamb bhuna.

-Anyway...um...

-CHAMPAGNE SPLASHES

Have a good evening!

Bye.

-What was all that?

-Oh, you know, he's seeing someone.

-Ah...

-Not his wife.

Oh, no. Poor Tamzin. That's terrible.

Yeah.

I suppose some men are like that, aren't they, you know,

whereas others find the woman they love

and stick with them through thick and thin.

Yes, they do.

Unfortunately, for poor old Tamzin,

she didn't find someone loyal and steadfast.

I'm talking about me.

I know.

OK.

-Excuse me, are you sure you're not Darren?

-Yes!

-Darren?

My date. Lovematch UK. We're with the same agencies.

-Have you joined a dating agency?

-No!

-Just tell me if you don't fancy me.

-What?!

I had this last week with Stefan - IT consultant, likes windsurfing.

Well, I'm not Darren or Stefan.

He walked in, took one look at me and walked straight back out again!

Nice place, this, isn't it?

Are you with Lovematch UK too?

No, I'm his wife.

You did not say you were married on your profile.

Please... Sorry, what's your name?

Alice. You know that. You e-mailed me last night.

-Alice, I'm not the man you're looking for.

-They all say that.

Is now a good time for Enzo to serenade you?

Ooh...er...

Er...no.

Since I haven't got the ring yet. Er...later.

When I go down on one knee, yeah?

And I've had Chef prepare a special celebration dessert for you.

-Oh, thank you. Thank you.

-You'd like to see it?

Yes, yes.

Yes, of course.

Ah, there you are. Your scallops are getting cold.

-I've ordered you a T-bone too.

-Julian, I don't want a T-bone.

-Fine, have something else.

-No, I've got to get back to Bex.

-She's waiting for me.

-Ah, she's moved back in with you.

No, no, no. She's still with Abby, but...

-Abby?

-A girlfriend. Someone from work.

-Oh.

-Hopefully it's just a phase.

Sorry, I...I thought when you said "girlfriend" you meant...

you know...

Yeah.

Yeah, well, er, yes, she is.

Yeah, um...

-Abby is Bex's girlfriend.

-Really?

I was going to ask her out, but...

-Wasting your time...

-No, sure.

-Just not interested in men.

-I thought we had some chemistry.

-No.

I'm the only man who's ever really done it for her, you know.

I turned her for a while,

but these days even I... I can't keep her from the ladies.

-PHONE VIBRATES

-Oh, sorry.

No, no, go ahead. Take it.

Actually, Julian, sorry...

I need to...

Grant, where the hell are you? I need that ring!

I show you the special celebration dessert?

Oh, yes, of course. Yeah.

HE CHUCKLES

Murray?

So you've joined a dating agency?

-No, no. I've no idea who that woman is.

-You keep running off.

Oh, a bit of a situation with the maitre d.

Wants some advice about, um, pensions.

-Can't believe these speeding points.

-I suppose, you know...

I-I could take them for you.

How do you mean?

Well, you know, we could say I was driving your car.

You'd do that for me?

But it's illegal, Murray.

You know, if it gets you out of a hole.

Be our little secret.

That's really sweet

but you don't look anything like me.

The hair.

Say I dyed it.

-The dress.

-OK, that's trickier.

-It's not going to work.

-No, no, come on.

Come on, we can do this. Um...I was wearing a leotard

because I'd...

Yeah, I'd been... I'd been to wrestling practice.

HE LAUGHS

I was rushing home to, er...

-Watch the wrestling.

-Yeah, exactly.

Didn't bother changing out of my leotard

so, instead, rushed home at...62mph?!

Murray, those speed cameras are rigged.

-OK. Go on. I won't say anything if you don't.

-Thank you.

I'm really touched.

I am.

Um, look, er, Bex,

I...I was actually waiting for Grant to...

Doesn't matter.

It was...

almost 12 years ago today

that we were sat...

..near this very table,

and I looked into your beautiful eyes...

-VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS ..and said...

-Julian?

-What?

Bex?

HE MOUTHS

-MUSIC STOPS

-You're eating over here?

-Yeah, I'm having pork belly.

-You're with Bex?

Well, she is my wife.

What... Are you all right, Julian?

Yes, yes. Sorry, er...

Just a bit, um... Ah, it doesn't matter.

Really enjoyed our meal the other night.

-The oysters were out of this world.

-Oysters?

-Yeah. Bex had never had them before.

-Oh, really?

I was going to call you, see if you fancied it again,

but Murray tells me that, um, well... I know your situation now,

so, each to his own.

-I'll see you around.

-Yeah, OK.

Thank you.

Each to his own?

What did Julian mean?

No idea.

VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS Look, Bex, um, as I was saying,

it was 12 years ago...

-Sorry, I've just got to...

-Bex!

MUSIC STOPS

Oh!

-Murray! Yeah, sorry, mate. Little favour.

-Oh?

I've been waiting for a minicab

and it won't be here for another 20 minutes.

I've got to get to the other side of town,

so my little window of opportunity is rather closing.

I'm not driving you. I'm having dinner with my wife.

No, I'm not suggesting that. I just need to borrow your car.

I've just got to get to the Roadlodge and then...well, you know.

-Curtis, no.

-I'll be an hour tops,

40 minutes, probably.

Yeah. Ten minutes there and, well, you know,

and then ten minutes back. Could be as little as half an hour.

CURTIS SIGHS

Thanks, mate.

HE SIGHS

Julian must've got his wires crossed cos he'd got it into his head

that Abby was my girlfriend, or something!

No! Really?

Anyway, it's all cleared up now,

-because he's going to take me to the Admiral Club.

-What?

Well, he said there's going to be loads of potential donors

for the CT scanner appeal.

Bex, I didn't think we were at that place yet.

Eating oysters and going to Admiral clubs.

It's not like I'm going on a date with him.

PHONE VIBRATES Yes?

Oh, hi, it's Emma.

Oh, hi... Hi, there.

Sorry to call out of office hours

but, um, my boiler's broken down and I haven't got any hot water.

Oh, no. I'm sorry to hear that.

So, what I was thinking was,

maybe I could come round and have a bath at your place.

SHE MOUTHS

Yeah, yeah, fine.

So, is that OK, then? If I come over?

Oh, no, er...sorry. The thing is, I'm actually out having dinner

with my wife at the moment, so...

But you're still separated?

Yeah, we are.

Oh, OK, well, maybe I could let myself in.

I know you keep a spare key in the hanging basket.

Oh... Oh, y-y-you know that, do you?

Actually, there's another problem,

which is, I've got a bit of a hot water shortage myself.

I see. Well, is there enough for a shower?

Er...not even enough for a shower, really.

Really is quite an acute hot water shortage.

-My plumber's baffled.

-Maybe my plumber could have a look at it.

He could, although, as I say,

tonight's not really terribly convenient.

Actually, my food's going to be arriving shortly,

so I...I better go, but, yeah,

well, I'm sorry I'm not able to help you on this occasion,

but thank you for your interest.

Bye.

But, er...

-Who was that?

-No, no-one.

Well, it was obviously someone.

Um...someone from the office, actually.

She wanted to come round for a bath, so...

-She?

-Not with me. No, her boiler's broken.

Who is she?

Um...

Colleague.

Does she have a name?

Emma.

Emma? Yeah. I know Emma, don't I?

How old is she?

-What's that got to do with it?

-I'm just asking.

-I just want to picture her.

-I don't know. Um...

30s, I think. Late 30s, probably.

So, this 30-year-old wants to come round and have a bath?

I said no.

You heard.

Where are we going with this?

Hang on, I've met her. She's about 25.

-She's 27.

-So she's not 30, then?

She's three years younger than 30. What's the difference?

-I'm not bothered, but you seem to be.

-I'm not!

Look, can we just forget about Emma and Julian

and, you know, enjoy our evening?

Yep.

Sure.

Where were we?

HE MUTTERS

Just one moment, sweetie.

-I found it in the drain where I got knocked off.

-Well done, Grant!

Yeah, a bit of luck, really. Yeah. It was perched on a ledge.

You're just in time. Thanks.

-Can I...

-It's a nice place.

Well, I would ask you to join us but, you know...

Nah. Well, you go ahead.

I'll go and clean myself up.

Mr Booth...

you want to see the special celebration dessert, or not?

Later. Later. Enzo! Get Enzo.

Bex, I... This is a little bit unconventional...

Oh, my God.

-Everything OK?

-Yeah, I think so. I've just been offered a job.

-What?

-I thought I'd totally blown it.

There was this guy called Alex

and this woman called Sam...

or was it the other way round?

-Bex, that's fantastic. What's the job?

-Senior health visitor.

Senior...health visitor.

Wow.

Let's order some Champagne.

HE CHUCKLES

Congratulations, Bex.

Well done!

-I'm so proud of you.

-Aw...

Oh...

Oh...

BOTH LAUGH

Shame you can't get a new job every day!

BOTH LAUGH

The thing is, Murray, there is a slight complication

I need to tell you about.

Um...

Yeah. Cos the job they found me,

it's, um, in Birmingham.

-B-B-Birmingham?

-Mm-hm.

Only for six months. It's just covering someone's maternity.

Six months is a long time, Bex.

I mean, think of all the people you'll be leaving behind, you know.

Your family, your friends, your husband.

-Your family.

-The downside is,

-there would be a hell of a lot of driving.

-Exactly. Yeah.

Who wants to be stuck in a car all day?

Hang on.

That's why you wanted me to take your speeding points, isn't it?

-What?

-If you're banned, you can't take this job.

That's why you came here. That's what all of this has been about.

-Don't be ridiculous.

-Yeah. Get me to take your points,

and when that's all sewn up for you,

you...you announce you've got a driving job!

It's not a driving job.

-Well, I'm not taking them.

-I didn't even know I had the job

when we were talking about the points.

If you think I'm breaking the law

so that you can walk out of our marriage

and toddle off to Birmingham

with Julian plying you with oysters...

VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS

Not now, Enzo.

Um...

Very good!

Splendid. I wonder if you might come back...

HE MOUTHS

MUSIC STOPS

One sea bass

and your pork belly.

-Enjoy!

-Thanks.

I hope, when I'm your age,

me and my husband will be having nights together like this.

-How's the sea bass?

-Fine.

How's your pork belly?

Nice.

Come here.

-What?

-The bloke that knocked me off my bike, he's in the toilets.

-Oh, don't be daft.

-No, it's him.

-I got a good look at him.

-I haven't got time for this, Grant.

Once again, you don't take my side.

It is like school and those girls all over again.

Grant, I am trying to re-propose to my wife.

DOOR BANGS

GROANING

Grant? SCUFFLING

-Get him off me!

-What's going on?

GROANING AND CLATTERING

Murray, help! Agh...

Get him off me!

DULL THUD

Murray...

Oh, my God. What have you done?

-He was attacking Grant.

-Someone call for an ambulance.

You hit him with that?

G-G-Grant thought it was the bloke that knocked him off his bike.

-Isn't that right, Grant?

-Yeah. I confronted him but he denied it

so I had some words, and then he pushed me away,

so I pushed him away, and then he got very cross.

There's no pulse, so I'm going to have to give him CPR.

I-I-Is that really necessary?

Watch what I do, cos we're going to have to alternate.

Is he going to be OK? I mean...

Sorry, is there no-one else first-aid trained?

Y-Y-You really ought to have someone else on the staff trained.

You can't rely on an A&E nurse dining out here every night...

-Murray, your turn.

-I'm not really qualified.

-Just get on with it.

-Is he really that critical?

-Yes, he is.

Now, put your lips to his and blow.

Go on, Murray.

HE INHALES DEEPLY

Phuft!

HE PANTS

Actually, I'm not sure it's him.

BREATHLESSLY: What?

Yeah, let's try and keep it steady, guys.

Yeah.

Definitely not him.

The bloke that knocked me over had ginger hair.

POLICE RADIO CHATTER

I'm sorry for the disruption to your meal.

I'm so sorry.

Buon appetito!

-There you are! Sorry again.

-That WAS quick.

-No.

Can you give me a hand starting the car? I've been trying for ages

-and I can't get it to go.

-Your special celebration dessert.

-Not really sure... ANGRILY:

-Take it!

Yes. Thank you.

Bex...

-Dessert, Bex?

-No. Sorry, I've got a really early start tomorrow so...

-Bex, don't go.

-No, don't go. We need your help.

BOTH STRAIN

Why are we doing this?

HE PANTS

We can get this going again. Come on!

HE STRAINS

ENGINE STUTTERS

-Come on, we can do this.

-No, we're wasting our time.

Please, don't give up now. Come on!

Are you Darren?

Yes.

Hmm.

Come on, Bex, one last try.

CLUNK

ENGINE REVS

Yes!

HE PANTS

CAR HORN TOOTS

HE GASPS

Look, it's, er, not been the evening I planned.

I was hoping to, er, recreate

the, you know, last time, 12 years ago, but, er..

Will you marry me?

What?

I'm proposing to you.

But we're already married.

I know. I'm re-proposing.

It's a new concept. I sort of invented it.

Re-proposing?

I, er...

I've got you another ring.

So, what, then I'd have two rings?

Why does everyone get so bogged down in the detail? Look,

just imagine I'm proposing to you for the first time.

Oh, Murray...

What do you say?

A few of us are going for a drink tonight. Why don't you join us?

-Grant!

-What?

-You do realise what you've done?

-Where is he?

-Are you having an affair with my wife?