Episode 5 I Want My Wife Back

-She's moved out.

-That's fantastic.

-Sorry?

-It's terrible.

-You did find that memory stick, didn't you?

-Yeah, yeah.

-You remember Murray?

-Yes, your ex-husband.

Still husband.

In an ideal world, Tamzin wouldn't need to know about the flowers.

Just imagine I'm proposing to you for the first time.

I wish you'd given me more warning, Bex.

I could have had a proper look for a hoover.

I don't want to interfere, but you shouldn't be moving in with Keeley,

you should be moving back with Murray.

Why didn't you accept his re-proposal?

If you must know, it's because I'm not ready.

Why don't I try and hook you and Murray up with Anthony?

-Who's Anthony?

-The bloke who married you.

The reverend.

It would remind you about your commitment to each other.

But what I don't understand is, why you don't move in with us.

When did you last wash your hair? It looks awful.

Hello, everyone.

-Murray, am I glad to see you!

-Don.

-BOTH:

-Ohh!

-THEY LAUGH

Every time.

Am I glad to see you!

Oh.

-Hi, Murray.

-Hi, Bex.

-You're looking good.

-Thanks.

Yeah, a bit tired, I've been working nights.

I bumped into Abby at the hospital. She said, er, you were moving out?

Yeah, things have been getting a bit, you know, claustrophobic.

Come on, give Murray and Bex some space.

-So, what were you doing at the hospital?

-Oh, I was visiting Julian.

Yeah, he's...he's back on solids now, which is good.

Yes, so I hear.

He's being really good about everything, you know,

not pressing charges.

-Right, well, I'd better get my stuff.

-Bex...

I've got something really important to tell you.

For goodness' sake, you two, give them some space.

How many times?

I've resigned

-from the bank.

-What?

Yep, you were right, the whole work-life balance thing,

that's been the problem.

Me at the office all the time, not being with you enough,

so, hey, I've quit.

Told Curtis last night.

Right, OK, well,

is that a good idea?

Well, that's what you wanted, isn't it?

Murray, it's...

a bit more complicated than that.

No, obviously I appreciate it's more complicated than that, but...

Sorry, how is it more complicated than that?

Well, it's not like that's going to solve everything, is it?

No, no!

It's not going to solve everything, but I mean...

Why isn't it going to solve everything?

Really need to get my stuff inside, OK?

Bex?

Yeah.

You're not wearing your...wedding ring.

I'm moving and I just didn't want to lose it.

So...

Emma, Emma, sorry, but I seem to have been locked out of my computer.

-Do you mind if I use yours a second?

-Yeah, of course.

-What's your password?

-"Murray me".

Murray?

Me.

Right.

I still can't believe you're leaving us, Murray.

Yes, well, I thought it was my best chance of saving my marriage.

Murray, it's over.

I mean, isn't it?

No, no, I hope not.

I'm just saying, you know, if she wants to go...

Sorry, it's none of my business.

No, no, no, it's fine.

To be honest, I'm not even sure what to do any more.

I've tried re-proposing, I've quit my job.

She's not even wearing her wedding ring any more.

Look, a few of us are going for a drink tonight.

Damian from personal loans, the mortgage crew...

Why don't you join us?

-I'm not really sure.

-No, it would do you good, a few drinks,

a few laughs, it would cheer you up.

Do you know something? I've spent the past six weeks at home

moping about my life.

I think I will.

Oh, yay!

Murray, you know you're leaving?

-Yes, I do.

-Well, I've applied for your job.

OK. Er...jolly good.

Sorry, I've got to, er...

I believe I have the charisma and dynamism to drive this department forward.

Do you? Yeah.

Yes, and I want to use that dynamism to set an example to others.

Right, well, good luck with all that.

Thank you, Murray.

-So, will you recommend me for the post to Curtis?

-What?

-Will you put in a good word for me, Murray?

-Er...

-Sure.

-Good, because HR have asked me to list my strengths.

What do you think they are?

Well, you're very, er...

I think you're very...human.

Human?

-You think that's a strength?

-On the whole.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how human...?

Can we pick this up later?

OK, I'll wait.

Not there, Nereesha.

SHE SIGHS

Hello, Bex.

-Hi, Abby.

-How are you?

Yeah, I'm OK, thanks.

You look shattered.

Yeah, I've been working nights and not been sleeping too well.

You always slept well in my house.

That bed has body-moulding memory-foam

and allergy-free pillows.

Yeah, and I'm really grateful to you for letting me stay, Abby.

-Are you?

-Yeah.

Because the way you suddenly announced yesterday

that you were leaving, I thought it might have been something I said.

That locker is absolutely...

Abby, you know, it's been great,

and I don't know what I would have done without all your advice.

Well, I've been there before.

-With Clifford.

-Yeah, Clifford.

I'll be honest, I felt humiliated when Clifford left me

for someone 14 years older.

Only made things worse, me chasing him across Italy,

throwing paint on him and the OAP as they got on that gondola.

Which is why...

-..I got you this.

-What is it?

-It's a Murray moose.

-Murray..?

Moose. Don't make my mistake.

Don't go chasing Murray. If you have anything to say,

talk to Murray Moose first.

I'd rather not talk to a toy moose, Abby.

You can get everything off your chest with Murray Moose.

The important thing is to stay clear of the real Murray.

But there are things that I do want to talk to the real Murray about.

-Like what?

-Well, I've been thinking about things,

and maybe Murray and I should sort things out.

But... Tell the moose first.

-No.

-Talk to the moose.

-I don't want to.

-He's right here...

I don't want to talk to a moose.

-Sorry, Abby.

-Don't take it out on me, Bex,

take it out on the moose.

Murray!

Emma.

It's so exciting! Oh, a night out! Yay!

-Yay! Where are the others?

-Others?

Yeah, you said there were other people from the office coming,

Damian and the mortgage team.

They can't make it.

They send their apologies. So...just you and me.

Da-da!

LAUGHTER

Oh, you know, I used to laugh all the time with Bex,

but not now, you know.

-We're just not connecting at all.

-Mmm.

I blame her.

Well, probably both at fault.

I doubt it.

Assume it is.

You know, imagine you're in my shoes.

Oh, I love your shoes. Great style.

Oh, er, thank you.

What would you do to try and get that connection back?

Well, as a colleague and a friend,

and of course I'm only thinking about what's good for you here,

Murray, what's in your best interests...

I would, er...

..just forget about Bex.

Oh.

I'm not sure I could do that.

Wow, is that the time?

Just for one night. Look, see how it goes.

You need to let your hair down. Put all of this out of your mind.

Hmm.

POUNDING MUSIC

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

SHE SIGHS

SHE KNOCKS ON DOOR

I phoned an hour ago. Did you get lost?

-Grant.

-I thought you were my pizza.

-What are you doing here?

-Ah...

I'm sleeping over for a bit.

Mum's having the house decorated, and the paint affects my sinuses.

I had to go to the hospital every couple of weeks

to have them drained, you know,

prevent the mucus from becoming infected.

HE SNIFFS

Jalapeno pepper?

No, thank you.

Barney!

Oh, I've missed you.

It's so nice to see you. Where's Murray?

I just thought I'd pop by on the off-chance.

You'll be lucky, he's never here.

Oh. Right.

He was out last night.

Tonight he's out with, er...

Emma from work.

-Emma?

-Mmm.

Got a text from him. He's in Club Vodka.

Emma, the 27-year-old from the office?

That's the one, yeah. Pathetic, really, isn't it?

Middle-aged man chasing after a younger woman.

WOMAN ON LAPTOP: Where do you go, Mr Grant?

I hear you, but cannot see you.

I'll call you back later.

Irina, from Minsk.

Friend I met online.

-We play chess together.

-Chess?

Yes.

Right. I should be going.

This really wasn't a good idea.

You could leave that bottle, if you like.

God, no!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

DOOR OPENS

-Morning.

-Hi.

Got you a tea. How are you feeling?

OK. Um...

-What happened last night?

-Oh, you were on fire!

You've got some pretty cool moves there, boss.

-Have I?

-Yeah, and you've really got some stamina, I'll give you that.

And those Jagerbombs, you were putting them away.

-Whoo!

-HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Where are my clothes?

They're in the wash, you fell over on the way home.

-And my boxers are in there as...

-Yeah.

-Right.

Yeah, I had to undress you.

You're quite heavy, you know.

Yes, I probably should stay off the carbs for a bit.

Anyway, I'd better have a shower.

Emma.

SHOWER RUNS Emma.

I think I might head off now, if that's OK.

My friend Grant's looking after my dog and, er...

W-What's the clothes situation?

Are they drying, or...? DOOR OPENS

-Hello.

-Hi.

I'm Jerry.

I'm Murray,

a colleague of Emma's from the bank.

I'm Emma's dad.

I was just leaving.

Oh, no, no, I don't want to break anything up,

-Emma's a big girl.

-I wouldn't know.

Sorry?

Not breaking anything up, nothing to...break up, so...

Is she in the shower?

Yeah, that's her in there. On her own.

With you outside the door?

-Yeah, just chatting to her.

-And her in the shower?

Saying goodbye, once I've got my clothes. They got muddy,

I fell over last night,

Emma very kindly put them in the shower...

put them in the bath...

washing machine, I mean.

-Yeah, anyway...

-I was expecting to find Emma's grandparents here.

No, no, it's just me.

We're going for lunch.

Her granny's 76 today.

Aw, wish her happy birthday from... Actually, don't feel you need to...

You know, Emma's talked about you a lot, Murray.

She thinks very highly of you.

Yeah, I think very highly of her, as a woman, er...person.

-Professionally.

-I have to say,

from everything she said, I thought you'd be younger.

But hey, that doesn't matter.

How old are you?

-I'm 46.

-Ah, same as me.

-I never touched her!

-I'm sorry?

I think I'll just get my clothes.

You don't know where the... washing machine is, do you?

-It's just through there.

-Great.

I'll just get dressed and head off, I think.

Er...

...nice to meet you, um...

...Emma's dad.

SPOON CLINKS

Happy birthday!

HE SIGHS

You might have phoned.

-What?

-To say you weren't coming home.

Oh, right, yeah.

Sorry.

Ordered in a pizza specially, your favourite - pepperoni.

Yeah, well, you know, I said I'm sorry.

Hang on, what am I saying sorry to you for?

I'm not married to you.

No, and the way you treat me, I wouldn't let you marry me.

Well, I'm not asking you to marry me.

-Well, even if you did, I wouldn't let you.

-Here.

Hey, have you fed Barney?

No, not yet, I've had a lot to do, clearing up.

I fed him last night just after Bex came round.

-Oh, Bex was here?

-Mmm, yeah.

She turned up to see you, with a bottle of wine.

I said you were out with this Emma.

You said what?

I said you were having a night out with Emma.

Bex came round with a bottle of wine,

and you said I was having a night out with Emma?

Yeah, it was about nine-ish.

Then she phoned again at 11 and I said you still weren't home.

-Grant!

-What?

God! You do realise what you've done?

Stop blaming me for everything that goes wrong in your life.

'Hi, this is Bex, please leave a message.'

Oh, hi, Bex, er, yes, I wonder if you could call me.

Slight misunderstanding about last night.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, hi, Murray.

-Tamzin.

-Sorry, I've been trying to get hold of you,

-but I didn't want to leave a message on your phone.

-Oh, right.

Look, erm...if Curtis asks you where I was last weekend,

could you just tell him I was with you and Bex...

-on the South Downs, hiking?

-Hiking?

If it comes up, just tell him

I was with you two last weekend, hiking.

Sorry, Tamzin, I'm not really following you.

Murray, the truth is, I was with...someone else.

Hiking?

Not as such. But is it OK if you cover for me?

I can trust you, can't I, Murray?

-You want me to...lie to Curtis?

-Yes.

About you and someone else?

Colin, my dentist.

We've been seeing a lot of each other.

I have this abscess problem.

Hello, Don. Have you seen Bex today, by any chance?

No. No, no, everything's fine.

Right, er, not really free this afternoon, Don.

Is she? What time's Bex getting there?

Look, I'll see you then. Yeah.

-Murray.

-Hi, Curtis, is Emma back from lunch?

Murray, did you know that Nereesha is applying for your job?

Er, yeah, she has mentioned it.

-She'll be a disaster.

-Oh, I don't know.

A total catastrophe. You've got to help me put this whole thing to bed.

Curtis, I don't want to get involved, I'm leaving.

There's something else too.

I think, er, Tamzin is seeing someone else.

What? Tamzin?

Did you get that impression when you were away?

-When?

-On that hiking weekend with you and Bex?

Oh, that weekend.

Er...no, nothing, she just seemed normal.

I'll phone Bex, see if she spotted anything.

-Don't do that, she won't know anything.

-How do you know?

Because she couldn't come hiking.

She had to cry off, so it was just me and Tamzin hiking.

You went hiking with my wife?

-Not for long.

-Just the two of you?

-Yeah?

Mate, I want you to be straight with me.

-Are you having an affair with my wife?

-No!

I mean, I don't mean...

I mean, she's an attractive woman, but, er, no.

Right, yeah. Sorry.

Bit all over the place at the moment.

Pentratech have had their account hacked,

they're calling in the Serious Fraud Office.

What? This isn't anything to do with the memory stick, is it?

Murray, I don't know what's going on. All I know is it's a total cluster...thing.

But is it something we should be worried about?

All you should be worried about is Nereesha.

Ah, hello, Nereesha.

Hello, Curtis, I wanted to talk about my application for Murray's job.

You said one of my strengths was that I was very human.

-Human?

-Yeah.

I'm just not sure that's what we're looking for.

Would you excuse me a moment? Sorry.

-Hi, Emma.

-Hey, Murray.

Sorry...hey.

It's good to see you.

I've just been showing my grandparents round the office,

they wanted to see where I work.

Oh, and you left this in the flat.

Oh, right.

Er, thank you.

Granny found it.

Good old Granny.

Was her birthday lunch all right?

Yeah, it was lovely!

She had a little bit too much to drink.

And I suppose the older you get, the worse you're allowed to behave.

Actually, on that very point, I just wanted to clear something up.

Quite important.

What exactly happened, er...last night?

Um...we went to a pub and then to a club...

No, I meant...

did we, er...?

Did we what?

Did anything happen between...people?

Sorry?

Another time.

Hello again.

Clothes.

-SHE GIGGLES

-Tea?

Ah, good to see you, Murray.

Good to see you, too.

Is, er...is Bex here?

Er, not yet, no.

Come on, Barney.

Do you fancy a cup of tea? The kettle's just boiled.

Oh, yeah, that'd be great. Thanks very much.

Come in here first.

You remember Anthony? He married you.

Yes. Yes, yes, of course.

I didn't know you kept in touch.

Yeah, Anthony and I see each other at the residents' association meetings.

We've been working together on the speed bump campaign.

Anthony's a very wise man.

Yes, if it's God and traffic-calming measures you need, I'm your man.

Hi, Dad.

Oh, hello, love. Come on in.

I'm afraid I can't stay long.

Yeah, I've asked Murray here.

Murray.

Hi, Bex. Did you get my messages?

Yeah, I've just done a 12-hour straight shift.

I think Grant may have given you a misleading picture

of what I was doing last night.

Well, you two have a catch-up with Anthony.

Remember, you said your vows in front of him.

-Hello, Anthony.

-Bex.

I suppose this is all Dad's idea.

Yes. A little unusual, but he can be quite...insistent.

Don and Anthony have been working together on the speed bump campaign.

Yes, if it's God and traffic-calming measures...

No, I've done that one.

Tea's up.

Paula and I were saying only last night

how important our wedding vows are to us.

I'll leave you three to it.

So, when was the wedding?

12 years ago?

What a happy day that was!

Wasn't it?

And we've had many happy days since then.

Although not always together.

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY She's joking, of course, Anthony.

Yeah, we've been very happy most of the time, so...

Yes, but Murray's much happier now.

Right, I see what you're driving at.

Out partying every night with his new friends.

It's not every night.

-Out with 27-year-olds from the office.

-Actually just one night.

Look, I don't care what you do.

You're moving on, that's fine.

Shall I be Mother?

And since we've apparently moved on to the next stage,

I can now take Barney off your hands.

-What?

-Well, if we're officially splitting up,

I'll take my dog, thanks.

I am, after all, the person that looks after him.

Bex, let's not be petty about this.

I'm not being petty, I just want my dog.

Firstly, we're not officially splitting up.

-I want my dog.

-And secondly...

-actually, technically, he's mine.

-Technically?

-Yeah, well, I paid for him.

-Have you got the receipt?

No, of course I haven't got the receipt.

Anthony, feel free to pitch in.

Well, I'm not sure there's much I can say.

What, do think it's morally right

-that Bex is taking sole custody of the dog?

-No, but...

-You see,

this man of the cloth thinks you're wrong.

I didn't actually say that.

I'm so sorry, Anthony, that you've been dragged into all this.

It's really unfair.

Bex, please, he's here to help, and we need help.

You're not even wearing your wedding ring any more.

How can you help us, Anthony?

Oh, well...

I can pray for you.

What, that's it?!

It's lovely to see you again, Anthony.

No, no, lovely to see you.

Come on, Barney. Daddy's here.

-Time...to go home.

-What? But...

Murray?

Bex, if you really are set on leaving Murray,

I wonder if you would consider maybe...

joining me for a drink one evening?

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Bex?

Oh, Bex, I'm just as capable of looking after him as...

BARNEY BARKS

...as you are. Can I call you back?

Barney!

Barney!

Barney!

Barney! Barney!

Er, Bex...?

-Where is he?

-I don't know, in there somewhere.

I picked this up from home on the way

-cos I thought he might answer to it.

-SQUEAKING

-Not a bad idea , actually. Squeeze it harder.

-What?

Squeeze there, see, at the end.

Bigger the squeeze, louder the squeak.

-I know what I'm doing.

-You're not squeaking it right.

-Murray, I know how to squeak a bone.

-SQUEAK

-Barney!

-SQUEAK

Try a double squeak. Here, let me show you.

SQUEAK-SQUEAK

Barney!

SQUEAK-SQUEAK

-Barney!

-SQUEAK-SQUEAK

-Can you just stop that now?

-OK.

OK. The bone was your idea.

-SQUEAK

-Murray!

I was putting it in my pocket.

SQUEAK Barney!

Barney!

Barney!

-Barney!

-Barney!

Barney!

Barney!

SHE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

-Can't find him anywhere.

-Right.

HE SIGHS I don't know what to do.

He's gone, Murray.

Look, in the morning I'll photocopy a picture of him, you know,

stick it to lampposts and whatnot.

Someone will find him.

Right, I'm going home.

God, where have we parked the cars?

Er...

I think it was this way, wasn't it?

No, it can't be that way because we just came from there.

I'm not going to argue with you.

If you want to go that way, fine, I'm going this way.

-I'm going this way.

-OK.

-Go on, then.

-Yeah, well, I'm going.

-Good.

Yeah, it is good. Before I go, just for the record,

I didn't agree to go out with just Emma the other night,

-there were meant to be other people from the office there.

-Fine.

-I'm going.

-Yeah, well, I'm going, too.

And another thing, for the record,

I didn't start this - you're the one who went out with Julian.

I did not go out with Julian.

He won me in a raffle.

You had oysters with him.

So you're saying that having oysters with someone is the same

as going clubbing with a 27-year-old from the office?

Bex, I'm not going to argue with you.

-And now I'm going.

-Good.

Actually, you're right. I think it is this way.

-I told you it was here.

-All right!

God, I hear you.

Well, maybe you should try listening to me more often

and then maybe you wouldn't lose things.

Yeah, you can talk, you lost your wedding ring.

Actually, I haven't, because look, it's here.

So, you're just not wearing it these days?

That's right, yes, I haven't felt like wearing it.

-Yeah, well, maybe we shouldn't bother.

-Well, maybe you should just have it back!

BARNEY BARKS

Barney!

God!

Come here.

Barney, you clever boy!

HE LAUGHS

They say they need to speak to Curtis urgently.

Emma, please tell Bex nothing happened.

Pentratech was hacked while it was missing.

Now they think someone in this building's in on it all.