Episode 6 I Want My Wife Back

-You want me to lie to Curtis?

-Yes.

-About you and...someone else.

This is Zak!

So, I've just been offered a job.

Let's order some champagne.

In Birmingham.

That's why you wanted me to take your speeding points, isn't it?

Morning!

DOOR BUZZES

Thanks Keeley. Uh...

Just dropping off Bex's party frock for your parents' anniversary do.

Is, uh, she around at all?

What do you think of Zak?

Ooh, er...

seems like a nice bloke.

I'm not sure about him. He goes out all the time.

That's not ideal, is it?

No, it's not ideal.

And he's clearly not the settling-down type.

How long have you been going out with him?

Like a month.

So, it's quite early days, then.

I mean, I have mentioned it to him but you're right, it's not ideal.

I'm going to dump him.

Thanks, Murray.

Oh, well, I didn't really do anything.

I didn't do anything!

-Hi.

-Oh, hi.

Keeley let me in.

I, uh, well, you left this at the dry cleaner.

I thought you might want it for the party tonight.

Oh, thanks. Gosh, I took that in ages ago.

Not sure I can even get into it.

Well, I can, so you should be able to.

All right.

I...I've been calling you, actually.

I know, I'm sorry. I've had a lot on.

Oh, yeah, I won my appeal against the speeding points.

Right.

Do you want to talk about what happened the other night?

Uh, the kiss.

The...you screeching off in your car and ignoring my calls.

Look, you know, I've got a lot on my mind at the moment.

Can we talk later at the party?

I'm sorry, I've got to get to work.

-Bye, Keeley!

-Oh, no, she's uh...

Is there somewhere I can hang this?

That's six messages I've left and she's not called me back.

-Maybe she doesn't want to talk to you.

-Why not?

Maybe it's not yours.

For once in your life, could you try and help me?

Do you want that ice cream?

HE SIGHS

Do you know what? It's that night I spent with Emma,

that's the reason she's not talking to me.

-Well, she's got a point.

-Nothing happened.

Yeah, but you don't really know that, do you?

I don't know for sure but I, I'm pretty sure nothing happened.

Do you want one?

Oh. Cheers.

God, what are the chances? Look, Snorkel Sam's Diving School.

That's where me and Bex met.

She was my diving buddy.

Even through fogged-up goggles she looked gorgeous.

Do you want that coffee?

Now she's not even talking to me.

I've got to fix this, Grant!

Oh, let's not go all over it again.

Look, you need to take your mind off it.

Why don't you come out for a drink this evening with me and Sonia?

-You know, Sonia's got a friend.

-I'm not going on a double date!

I'm not suggesting a double date.

I was simply... Why not?

Because I'm trying to get back with Bex

and I've just discovered I'm going to be a father!

Why can't you think of somebody else for a change?

-Ah! You caught me.

-Sorry?

-I'm just signing your leaving card.

-Oh.

Can you think of anything funny to say to you?

Uh, no. No, sorry. Have you seen Emma?

I need to catch up with her as soon as possible.

Uh, I think she's around somewhere.

-Uh, how much cash have you got on you?

-Sorry.

It's just I don't really like using my credit cards at these hotels.

Tamzin, she's a very suspicious woman. Can I borrow some?

Oh, for God's sake, Curtis. How much longer?

The things I've done for you these past few weeks.

-I told Tamzin I was hiking with you last weekend.

-No, no, no.

-You told me you were hiking with Tamzin last weekend.

-Was I?

-Yeah.

You remember - it was the night before you and I went off to "play tennis".

No, no. I was "Playing tennis" with Tamzin and Colin.

You and I were at the "garden centre."

No, you're right.

-It's hard keeping track of all these lies!

-Who's Colin?

No-one. Doesn't matter.

So, can I borrow some...

cash?

Haven't got much.

90 will do.

They do a midweek special at The Royal Prince Hotel.

Bed only. No breakfast.

Ah, Murray, looking forward to your leaving do?

-Oh, no, not particularly, Nereesha.

-Will you be wanting a speech?

No, don't worry about it.

It's just as acting head of department I ought to do it

but I'm not very good with funny stories or jokes.

-No?

-Do you know any funny stories or jokes about yourself?

-You want me to write my own leaving speech?

-It would be easier.

Emma! Eh...

-Oh, hi, Murray. How are you?

-Yes, I'm all right, thanks.

I really enjoyed the other night. We should do it again sometime?

Yes, uh, when you say "it", what exactly was the "it" that we did?

Murray, I've thought of a funny story for your leaving do.

Oh, there you go. Problem solved.

That time you were trying to photocopy something

-and it was running low on toner - that was you, wasn't it?

-No.

-Emma, that night, uh...

-Yes?

I just need to know, did we...?

Can we just pretend it was you, just for the purpose of the funny story?

-What? Nereesha...

-You were photocopying.

There was no toner, well, very little,

and then the A5 tray jammed and...

Sorry, I've missed a bit out.

Leave it with me.

Sorry, Emma, I need to know, er...did we do anything, um,

in your flat, bed, uh, together?

-Oh, you mean...?

-That's exactly what I mean.

PHONE RINGS

Emma Thornton.

Um, sorry. Can we catch up later? I need to take this call.

Oh.

New plan.

I'll tell the story about the wrong-sized jiffy bags.

RETCHING

Get it all out.

I thought you're supposed to get morning sickness in the morning.

I still can't believe it.

I know. I only slept with him eight times.

Well, seven and a half.

So what are you going to do?

-I'm going to dump him.

-What?

Zak's not right, Bex.

Well, shouldn't you at least give him a chance?

What, and end up like you and Murray?

No, I didn't mean that, like...

Oh, God I hate myself, I literally do.

You could do a lot worse than end up with someone like Murray, you know.

SHE RETCHES

I'm just going to get hold of Bex,

and I really need you to tell her nothing happened.

Got it into her head there's something going on between us,

-and, er...

-Oh, my God.

That was the Serious Fraud Office!

Oh, she's answering.

-SOUND BREAKS UP

-Murray?

-Bex!

They were asking questions about Petratech's account being hacked!

Murray, I can't hear you. You're breaking up.

-Emma, no, no, no.

-They said they need to speak to Curtis urgently.

-Hi, Bex, I'm with...

-SHE SIGHS

I mean she's here, I don't mean...

-DOOR BUZZES

-Oh, God. Can you get that?

-BREAKING UP

-Tell Bex...happened.

Bex! ...baby!

-We need to find Curtis.

-Emma, stop crying. I'll find him.

We need to find him now.

-Please, just stop crying. I know where he is. I'll find him.

-OK.

-Hello?

-'It's Zak.'

Oh, my God. No. I can't face him now.

I can't just leave him out there, can I?

Just tell him we're not here.

'Hello, you've got your finger on the button, I can hear you.'

Sorry, Zak. We, we were just, we were just...

Yeah. Come on in.

-Oh, what do I do?

-You've got to tell him, Keeley.

-You've done this before. What did you tell Murray?

-I can't remember.

I think I said that to flourish our relationship needed a new soil.

Oh, God. No, that's terrible!

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Mm. Oh, God.

Hi, Zak. Come on in.

Everything OK?

-RETCHING

-Yeah.

That's just Keeley. She's not feeling too well.

Do you want a cup of tea?

RETCHING CONTINUES

Sorry to trouble you, but it really is an emergency.

-Yeah?

-Sir, I'm really sorry to bother you.

Hi, Curtis. Sorry, you weren't picking up, so...

No. I was busy.

Sorry to disturb you, but there's a problem with...

Are you coming for a bath or not, hunky monkey?

..the...the Serious Fraud Office.

So it's my sister's kid's christening on Sunday.

Really screwed up my weekend.

But then, kids screw up everything, don't they?

Keeley, you feeling any better?

Keeley, Zak's still here

and I know there's something you've got to say to him.

-No, I don't think so.

-Everything OK, Keeley?

-Oh, God.

-Keeley.

Fine!

-I think we need to talk, Zak.

-OK, what about?

Oh, you tell him, Bex?

Me?

I think I'm going to be sick again.

We were just talking about Keeley's soil...

Not the soil stuff!

No, um, Keeley feels that maybe there needs to be some changes.

What, what sort of changes?

Well, the sort of changes that Murray and I have been trying out.

I'm sorry, what does that mean?

Well, we were together

and now we're looking at a situation where we're...not together.

Are you dumping me, Keeley?

No, Bex is.

I'm sorry. I think I'm not feeling too...

Excuse me.

How was he?

I just don't know where she is.

I tried FaceTiming her, no sign of her at work.

Did you pick it up?

"Hello, Grant. How are you?

"Did you get a chance to do that favour I asked?"

Yes, yes. Hello. All of that.

Oh, well done!

Ah, Don and Paula will be thrilled. Perfect anniversary gift.

Got you a pint, too.

Oh, sorry, mate. Haven't really got time for that.

Just a quickie.

Grant, I've got Don and Paula's party.

-I can't just sit in a pub all afternoon.

-I've bought it now.

-OK, fine. Come on, just...

-That's the fella.

Oh, what a day!

Curtis doing it with Nereesha,

Bex is pregnant and not telling me about it...

Can you lighten up a bit?

I don't want you being a downer when the girls get here.

-What girls?

-Oh, there they are.

-Sonia and Lesley.

-Who are they?

-Double date.

Don't tell them you're a banker.

I told you I didn't want to go on a double date,

I was quite specific about not wanting to go on a double date.

The things I have done for you, Murray.

-I have just been to the photo shop for you.

-Forget it. I'm out of here.

The thing is, she's pregnant but she's worried it's come at

the wrong time and doesn't know what to do.

-I just want her to be happy.

-Aw.

And have you told HER that, Murray?

I haven't had a chance.

Have you got a tissue, Son?

Oh, somewhere.

Don't get me started, Lesley.

It's just a lovely story.

Lovers reunited by a surprise baby.

I know. You should go and tell Bex how you feel.

I want to. But, you know, there's this Emma business. I mean...

No, no.

Tell her what you just said to us,

that you just want her to be happy.

Tell her now. Go.

Yes, go, please.

You're right.

Absolutely.

Thank you.

-Bless him.

-Wasn't he a nice guy?

-Lovely.

So, it's just the three of us.

-Think I'll call a taxi.

-Yeah, I'll come with you.

Oh, it's lovely, Murray.

Yeah, loads of Bex and...me.

Is Bex here yet, or...?

-Not yet, no.

-She's definitely coming?

Yeah. Yeah. Is there a problem?

No. Did she say when she might get here?

What's the matter, Murray?

You've been fidgeting ever since you got here.

-I'm a bit all over the place, to be honest, because Bex is...

-Huh?

Well. Uh...

Is, is she OK? She's not ill, is she?

Oh, no, no, no. She's fine, she's fine.

Well, then, what is it?

Well, she should probably be telling you this herself but...

Murray, what?!

She's...

..pregnant.

Oh, my God!

Don! Bex is pregnant!

-Uh, Paula, uh...

-What?

Bex is pregnant!

-I'd rather we didn't, uh...

-Pregnant?!

-Yeah!

We're going to be grandparents at last!

Oh, everybody...

Oh, no, no, Paula. I don't think we should...

Bex is pregnant! We're going to be grandparents!

CHEERING

Oh!

So you two are getting back together?

-I'm not really sure.

-He's not sure if they're getting back together.

Bex hasn't actually told me she's pregnant.

I found the testing kit in her room, so...

She hasn't told Murray.

He found out when he saw the testing kit in the...

Stop shouting everything out, Paula.

Oh, this is the best anniversary present ever.

APPLAUSE

Oh-ho!

APPLAUSE CONTINUES

I'm not sure I can face it.

Look, you've got to tell them sometime and they'll be thrilled.

Might need to make a pit stop to the loo first.

Oh, sorry, this is yours. I picked it up by mistake.

Birmingham NHS.

I suppose it's about that job.

Ssh, ssh!

Guys, if you could just let Bex announce the news.

-Probably best if it comes from her.

-Yes, yes, of course.

CHEERING

Congratulations!

-How are you feeling?

-Oh, it makes me so happy.

Yeah, but you and Murray must get back together.

I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about.

I shouldn't but, well, we know about the baby.

How'd you find out?

Murray found the testing stick.

Did he?

Well, it's, it's come as quite a shock.

Keeley's a bit on edge.

Why?

Well, she wasn't expecting it.

Well, no-one was!

LAUGHTER

Would you excuse us a moment, sorry.

Bex, I wish you'd felt able to tell me.

-About what?

-Uh, the baby.

Well, it's not really for me to say.

-What?

-Well, it's not up to me to announce it.

-Well, who's it up to, then?

-Keeley.

-Keeley?

-Yeah.

-Why's it up to her?

-Well, it is her baby.

-No, it's not. It's yours.

-What?

I saw the testing stick in your room.

No, that...that's Keeley's.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I just need to make a small announcement.

I think one or two of you may have got the wrong end of the, er,

pregnancy testing stick.

Er, Don and Paula are indeed going to be grandparents

but the bearer of said child is, is not, in fact, Bex.

It's their other daughter, er, Keeley.

Er, Keeley's having the baby.

Here she is. So, congratulations to Keeley!

AWKWARD APPLAUSE

Yeah, yeah.

Er, well done on, you know, um...getting pregnant.

Uh... Perhaps you'd like to... No, it's probably better if you don't.

Cheers, everyone!

Woohoo!

CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS

Well, it's all sorted.

Mum and Dad are still thrilled they're going to be grandparents.

It's just via a different daughter.

Thanks for clearing up that technicality.

So, your last day tomorrow.

We could maybe go away for a few days to...

I want to go to Birmingham.

I think we can do a lot better than Birmingham.

You, you, you mean, you...

you want to go to Birmingham.

Yeah, I've been offered that job.

I just think it would do me good to get out of my comfort zone.

Come on, you two!

Oh, how exciting, Murray.

It's just, it's just so exciting! Come on, darling.

DISTANT CHEERING

Hello, mate. A drink for Murray over here.

I've been leaving messages, mate.

Yeah, I've had a few teeny issues to deal with, so...

I feel I ought to clear up what happened yesterday with Nereesha.

Very strange, she'd actually come round to the hotel for a bath and...

Curtis, I know what's going on.

-..and I just happened to be there at the same time.

-Curtis.

OK, all right, look,

it started at the pensions conference in Reading.

I had too many sherberts at the Scottish Widows hog roast.

Well, I'm very happy for you.

Well, don't be. It's not easy having an affair.

I've got to keep remembering where I was, and what I've said to Tamzin.

Oh, she's popping in, by the way, wanted to say goodbye.

Can you tell her that you and me are having a drink tonight?

You only saw Nereesha yesterday lunchtime.

But I've been very stressed, OK? All this Serious Fraud Office business.

Hi, Murray!

-We're going to miss you, Murray.

-That's very sweet, Emma.

-Oh, thank you.

-Thank you for everything.

-Oh.

-Mmm.

You'll have forgotten me by next Thursday.

No, I won't.

Well, maybe next Friday.

Oh, I got you a present!

-Oh, you shouldn't have.

-I wanted to.

-Ta-da!

-Oh.

Cycling shorts.

Yes, I've seen you wearing them when you cycle home sometimes.

Yes, yes. I do wear cycling shorts.

Yeah. They go really well with your thighs.

Emma, I really do need to know,

did anything happen between us that night?

No, Murray.

No, you were a perfect gentleman.

Mm!

PHONE RINGS

Emma Thornton!

Just to, er, clear up that incident yesterday,

I was going to the hotel for a bath.

Let me stop you there, Nereesha, I've spoken to Curtis,

-I know what's going on. So...

-What's he said about me?

Oh, er, nothing much. Something about a hog roast.

Am I still satisfying him?

-What?! I don't know.

-It's just that he seemed a bit distant

when we were doing it in the back of your car.

Nereesha, I'm not sure I need to know. Sorry.

-Hi, Murray!

-Tamzin!

So, your last day, hey?

Yes, apparently.

Curtis is getting very suspicious, keeps asking me where I'm going all

the time, could you tell him that we're going for a drink tonight -

-you, me and Bex?

-What?

-Hello, sweetheart.

Oh! Hi.

Sorry to see Murray go.

Yeah, in fact, Murray and I are going for a drink tonight.

Oh, um, I thought we were going for a drink tonight, Murray, with Bex.

Murray, you did say you were going for a drink with me.

Well, I was rather hoping to go for a drink with you, Curtis,

and then after go for one with Tamzin and Bex.

Yeah, thing is it could be quite a long drink.

I think, uh, I made the arrangement with you first, though,

didn't I, Murray? We don't want to let Bex down.

Why don't we all go for a drink together?

-No, that wouldn't work.

-That's a terrible idea.

-We'd be talking shop.

-A bit boring for me and Bex.

Yes, sorry, yeah.

But, perhaps, you could go for a drink with Bex and, uh,

I could go for a drink with Murray?

Yeah, that...that might work.

OK. Great, well, see you later, about 11.

Don't wait up.

See what I mean? She's up to something.

BANGING ON CUP

SHE CLEARS THROAT

I would just like to say a few words about Murray.

Whoo! Murray!

Thank you.

The first time I met Murray was six years ago.

It was Monday, 9th March and it was overcast.

The second time I met him was Tuesday, 10th March.

It was still overcast.

Wednesday, 11th March and it was overcast.

BELL BUZZES

Hi, sorry.

I just wanted to say I'm leaving tomorrow and, um...

returning these.

Thank you.

Yeah, and I also wanted to say that I'm grateful, you know,

for your, your emotional sat nav programme.

And I feel like I'm headed in the right direction now.

Which is?

Well, Birmingham.

You know, you're always, always welcome to visit.

I won't. Clifford has a narrow boat moored there.

He uses it as a love nest.

What are we eating tonight, Abby?

Simone from cardiology.

She's staying a while.

Her husband's been sleeping with her aunt.

-Barney.

-DOG BARKS

HE SIGHS

Barney, have you stolen my shoe again?

Have you really thought this through, Bex?

Look, you do know that Birmingham has the highest

-suicide rate in the country.

-How do you know that, Mum?

Well, I don't, but they all sound suicidal.

Zak? Hi, listen, don't hang up.

Um, I've been thinking really hard about everything

and I think we should, you know, like, give things another go,

If you're interested, which you might not be

and I completely understand.

Oh, really?

Oh, that's great.

By the way, I'm pregnant.

Zak?

Zak?

Zak?

What are you doing for Christmas?

Oh, I don't know, Dad, It's months away.

Cos we've invited Murray, But you're very welcome, too.

Oh, thanks.

Bye, Mum.

Oh. Bye, darling.

Now, drive carefully.

Oh, and don't forget to text us when you get there.

Yes, just don't worry.

Bye-bye love.

-MUFFLED:

-Bex!

Bex, wait! Wait!

No, tell her not to go!

CAR ENGINE STARTS

Bex, wait!

Bex!

Bex, wait!

Wait!

Bex!

What...what are you doing?

Do you remember where we met?

Snorkel Sam's Diving School.

I thought if you remembered how things started

then we wouldn't have to end things.

Oh, Murray.

It's not for long. Six months.

You and Barney'll be all right, won't you?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yes, I suppose so.

Oh, the flea powder's under the sink.

I doused myself only this morning, so...

Yeah, I thought you looked better. You weren't scratching so much.

Just remember to stop humping the postman's leg.

I'll do my best but, uh, it's those hairy legs of his.

It's just...

Bye, Murray.

Look, Bex, I don't want you to go, even for six months because...

Ssh, don't say anything.

I love you. And...

Don't say anything.

These last few weeks have shown me

that I want you in my life more than ever before.

You can say something now.

ENGINE STARTS

How do you like your fish fingers?

Don't mind them a little bit burnt, do you?

Oh, whatever, you know.

You might have to fend for yourself tomorrow night.

Um...Sonia's asked me out on a date.

Just me and her.

-That's really good, Grant.

-Yeah.

She's got front row tickets at the Arena,

for the cage fighting.

Sounds fun.

Yeah. I mean, it's not really my thing,

but her sister's going for the heavyweight title.

Mm.

Ah.

I've lost a fish finger somewhere.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Barney, what have you done with them?