Outtakes Ideal


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This programme contains strong language

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Shit. No wine.

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-Brrrr.

-OK. Go again.

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LAUGHTER

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Steve.

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Steve. Ooh!

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Argh! Ouch!

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Oh!

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-Oh...

-SHE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

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-Grow up!

-Oh!

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SHE LAUGHS

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Why are you laughing?

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You bastard!

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We've been filming Ideal. It's in the...

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We've just hit the sixth series, haven't we?

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So, it's six years by my reckoning.

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It's gone very, very quickly, and that's probably a good thing.

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I think one reason why there's so many outtakes from Ideal is, it's such a big cast.

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In total, it's probably about 40 people.

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So I think just exponentially, there's going to be more corpsing,

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there's going to be more stupidity, there's going to be more people screwing up.

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SHE SCREAMS

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HE LAUGHS MANICALLY

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It's a big daft playground, really.

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Sorry. I farted at the start and it put me off.

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LAUGHTER

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How do?

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Ah, fuck. Sorry.

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LAUGHTER

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Sorry.

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Because this...

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Give it to me, you fucker!

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SHE LAUGHS

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LAUGHTER

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It could be a bright new life and a new start, a new...

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This scene's gone to fucking rack and ruin.

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You?

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-Hetero? Really?

-You bet ya.

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You?

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-Hetero? Really?

-You bet ya.

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I'll get it this time.

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You? Hetero? Really?

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-You bet ya.

-Cut.

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We probably smoke more in Ideal than just about any other programme going, I would think now.

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Do you know how to scare folk?

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-Nobody noticed.

-Just going to spark up.

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Fucking burning face!

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The stuff that we use to smoke in bongs and joints is really, really horrible.

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That attracted me to the show more than the script.

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In your positions, please.

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-Oh, f...!

-I think it's like coal's foot, red clover, er, rose petals.

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I mean, you might as well be smoking a bonfire. It's really noxious.

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And who's in it?

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Who's in what?

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SHE LAUGHS

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-Sorry.

-It's great when you can see they've took it in

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and it's that burning sensation and they've got a line coming up. You know, it's almost,

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like, coming out their ears and everything.

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-Oh! Fucking...

-Ha-ha! Sorry!

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LAUGHTER

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There are points when Ben Crompton looks like a warehouse on fire.

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It really is like...

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HE CHOKES

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That's mint.

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LAUGHTER

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Hiya, Jenny.

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I don't know what's in the coke, the substitute coke,

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but it just feels like you're snorting a load of talcum powder.

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It's lovely and freshening for your nose.

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-It's baking soda, isn't it or something?

-Is it?

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Yeah. I always get these bubbles.

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THEY LAUGH

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-That was a fucking lot!

-OK. And again. Thinner line.

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I do.

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I go home and I'm, sort of...

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All my movements look like a badly done cake...for days after.

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No.

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LAUGHTER

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I've just been down the offices and I'm their... Oh...

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Valets. Silicone Valets, but it's...

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-Shit! What is my line there?

-It's valets with a T.

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-I've said it so many times that I've forgotten it.

-He wants to say vagina.

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We've come to tidy our things out of your bathroom and to prepare your loft for...

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I've got juice for break time.

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And you, just let me finish my fucking line.

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LAUGHTER

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Is it gangland fight or gangland battle?

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-Ganglang attack.

-Ganglang!

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Who'd take a chair to a ganglang attack?

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A fucking ganglang... Sorry.

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There have been a couple of points where I've thought,

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"That probably isn't the right chemistry for a scene."

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That combination of people with that much at stake. We were talking earlier...

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And that much dialogue.

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That's what he's dancing around.

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With me, he's going, "Right. let's keep it to five...

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"five word bursts, and then give him something to do in between.

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"Or something to look at that he can write the rest of the script on."

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-Why is it some days, all folk you...

-HE MUTTERS

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Why is it...?

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If I ever catch myself trying to act, it's dreadful.

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Nobody gets in...

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There's a lovely point when you're just in a scene

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and it's just flowing, and then again, it's just a horrendous thing

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that you've gone one way... and your speech...

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has just, you know, said goodbye.

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Even a life clo, clo, clouch would struggle to tell you.

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Put it away, fella.

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That was Scottish that time. I don't know what that was.

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Place names is another one that you give me these... You know I can't... To this day, I can't...

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-Can't say Todmorden.

-Todma... No.

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Well, I suggested driving out and dumping them on Tomod...

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Fucking twat!

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I suggested driving out and dumping them on Tomod...

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FUCK!

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TWAT!

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Osbaldeston.

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Piss off.

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She's seeing a bloke from Osbaldston, the fucking bastard.

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Osbald... She's seeing a bloke from Osbald... Oh, fucking hell!

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I can't say that twatting WORD!

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She's seeing this bloke from Towin... No, no. Hang on.

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You don't need a priest... for an nexonism.

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You need a spelling teacher. Sorry.

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You can see him sat there doing that kind of, "I sat and crafted...

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"sweated blood and tears over this and who do we give it to?

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"An idiot. A big rotund memory-less fool...in the corner."

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That's quite perceptive.

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-Are you busy?

-Me? I'm always busy.

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-Learning lines, doing stuff.

-Time is money, right?

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It's like Hancock after the car crash.

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Come on, Nicki.

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# I can't live... # Sorry.

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-LAUGHTER

-# If living is... #

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-Hobnobs, two for one.

-Ooh, packet each.

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Nicely, nicely.

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-What am I doing taking them off you?

-I don't know!

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HE LAUGHS

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You know, before a scene, they're actually loathed to give me props.

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They simply think, "He'll break them.

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"Break them in the first scene."

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And then make sure they've got no back-ups.

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Little bastards! I'll give them what for!

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LAUGHTER

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A possessed egg box that you can't throw away.

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Fucking bastards!

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I'll give them what for!

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LAUGHTER

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LAUGHTER

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Shooting. And...

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Sorry.

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We'd all have the afternoon off.

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I've just stabbed myself with the handcuffs. I'm sorry. Hang on.

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If I found the bullet...

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Ray had been dead about nine month.

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-In fact, some

-BLEEP

-keeps dropping fucking things behind my head.

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-Cut.

-I'm upset as it is.

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SLEAZY DANCE MUSIC

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Who's this then?

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-Oh, fucking hell!

-We'll never know.

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I curse that scene. I've still got it in my wardrobe, that.

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It's still hanging there.

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You'll see it on eBay one day.

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Amongst the hungry, needy and, er, profoundly deaf.

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The huge side of beef that we had in series three is probably one of

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the least convincing props we've had made. I don't know, it just...

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For me, when I watch that on screen, I think, "It doesn't look right.

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"It doesn't really look like meat."

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-But it caused trouble as soon as it arrived on set.

-Nice bottom.

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Yeah, well, with your brain and my bottom, we've always got... Oh, shit!

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Fucking hell! I very much doubt that Rocky Balboa would have won had he practised on that piece of meat.

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It wasn't your standard foam. It was some industrial...

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-I don't know what it was.

-..strength machine that they brought in.

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-Cut. Cut. Um...

-Sorry.

-HE CHOKES AND COUGHS

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Ordinarily, you wouldn't get that reaction from just covering your head in Fairy Liquid, but I think

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they'd bought this off the back of a truck that had just left Chernobyl.

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You're on probation.

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I know. Listen to this. HE FARTS

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LAUGHTER

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I'm just embarrassed

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that I laughed so hard at a man farting.

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There's that healthy bit of competition, isn't there? Who can crack somebody else up.

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Yeah. And sometimes it's within the rules,

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i.e. within the script, and sometimes it isn't.

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-I'll fucking shoot this fucker!

-Is that Pakistani?

-I'm a fucking funny guy? You fucking mook.

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If there was a ringleader, it probably would be Ben Crompton.

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Dirty.

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Dirty! Dirty! I don't like bumming.

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Crompton is one of those... He'll thrown something in that's fantastically funny...but so crude.

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She's with that Enrique.

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The big...cockhead.

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I don't think the script

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included big fat cockhead, or whatever he came up with, but then the minute he did it...

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She was with that Enrique.

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The slimy cockhead!

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-Fucking bastard!

-She's with that Enrique.

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You're laughing, I'm not.

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Or to give it it's real... Oh, fucking... You're a twat!

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It's not always the people you expect, and also,

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it's not always the scenes or the lines that you expect that make you laugh.

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Sometimes it's a line that, on paper, is just a bit of connective tissue.

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It's just a little line, no gag in there, and somehow it's the funniest thing in the world.

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Can you flog us some skunk weed?

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Keep your voice down!

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LAUGHTER

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I'm not dealing to anyone I don't know.

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I'm Craig.

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Can you sell us some skunk weed?

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One of the days, he was... he was doing stuff with his eyes.

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Even his silhouette was making me laugh. You know what's coming

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and the anticipation, so there was times I'd gone before I'd even opened the door.

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Can I come in?

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LAUGHTER

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Keep your voice down!

0:13:230:13:25

No. I had a...

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LAUGHTER

0:13:260:13:28

I've decided I'm not dealing...

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LAUGHTER

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-Keep going.

-The worst bit is, he's turning round and going,

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"I don't know what's wrong", and he knew exactly what he was doing.

0:13:390:13:42

He was...just being a git.

0:13:420:13:43

Can you sell us some skunk weed?

0:13:430:13:45

-LAUGHTER

-I'll get it. I'm angry now.

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Keep your voice down!

0:13:500:13:53

No. I had a... bad experience yesterday.

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LAUGHTER

0:13:570:13:58

It's sod's law that you...

0:13:580:14:00

you'll get the giggles, you'll start corpsing

0:14:000:14:03

when we're pretty much up against it from day one, whenever we started.

0:14:030:14:06

It almost feels like we are behind schedule before we even started

0:14:060:14:09

cos there's so many actors, so little time.

0:14:090:14:12

I'm, I'm, I'm... I was.

0:14:120:14:14

Mick Miller, to me, has got the funniest face without doing anything.

0:14:140:14:20

Just wondered if that prozzie...

0:14:200:14:22

LAUGHTER

0:14:220:14:25

Sorry. Don't look at me like that.

0:14:250:14:29

I just wondered if that prozzie had had a change of heart?

0:14:290:14:32

-I brought my money back.

-SNIGGERING

0:14:320:14:35

That wasn't fucking me, by the way!

0:14:360:14:39

Sorry!

0:14:390:14:40

I'm gay.

0:14:410:14:43

I thought you played for Wigan.

0:14:430:14:44

You look dead weird.

0:14:510:14:53

Sorry!

0:14:580:15:00

I tell you who's the easiest one to make corpse, is...

0:15:020:15:06

-Ryan.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

0:15:060:15:07

Come on, lads...

0:15:080:15:09

Let's go!

0:15:120:15:13

He genuinely seems hard on himself when it happens, and that's the most fun,

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because not only is he not doing his job properly, but it's causing him some emotional turmoil.

0:15:250:15:30

Sorry!

0:15:330:15:34

What's in t'boxes?

0:15:380:15:39

Porno!

0:15:390:15:41

1,000 DVDs. Three big boxes of filth.

0:15:410:15:45

Shut it, bollock head!

0:15:450:15:46

OK, reset from the top.

0:15:470:15:51

We're not doing that sort of film.

0:15:510:15:53

Yeah, we are. We're doing soft-core too.

0:15:530:15:56

You know, for the pensioners.

0:15:560:15:59

Fucking hell, sorry.

0:15:590:16:00

There was the mellow side,

0:16:000:16:02

the thoughtful side of Psycho Paul, doing soft-core for the pensioners,

0:16:020:16:08

that I just couldn't get over.

0:16:080:16:11

-We're not doing that sort of film.

-Yeah, we are.

0:16:110:16:14

We're doing soft-core too.

0:16:140:16:16

You know, for the pensioners! Sorry.

0:16:160:16:20

We're not doing that sort of film.

0:16:200:16:22

Yeah, we are. We're doing soft...

0:16:220:16:26

-Fucking hell!

-Action.

0:16:260:16:28

Right, and again.

0:16:300:16:31

JOHNNY TAKES DEEP BREATHS

0:16:310:16:34

Right, go on, I can do it!

0:16:350:16:37

You know that kind of...

0:16:370:16:39

HE WHEEZES

0:16:390:16:41

That mild asthmatic attack - that's me having fun.

0:16:410:16:45

The main set, outside Moz's front door, doesn't actually have a set of steps that goes down.

0:16:500:16:57

-It's a flat surface.

-Farewell, St Brian.

0:16:570:17:00

Come on.

0:17:000:17:03

So people, when they leave the flat, they have to act as if they're walking down the steps,

0:17:030:17:07

and some people can do it, and some people can't.

0:17:070:17:10

Mugs. So, hey, can I still be your best mate, then?

0:17:140:17:19

You're one of my bestest mates.

0:17:190:17:21

Has it all gone to shit behind us?

0:17:210:17:24

-See ya.

-Goodnight.

0:17:270:17:29

Thanks for your Irish jigging!

0:17:310:17:33

A lot of people believe that that part of the set, that hallway,

0:17:330:17:36

is haunted by an actor who had a wooden leg.

0:17:360:17:39

Oh, fuck!

0:17:410:17:42

It's mainly me, but a lot of people trip there.

0:17:440:17:46

Sorry! Sorry!

0:17:480:17:50

You've not even moved out yet, he's got a train track here!

0:17:540:17:57

It's funny watching yourself trip time after time. You think, "Could have been a dancer."

0:17:570:18:02

Moz, where are you, you useless bastard?

0:18:020:18:05

This is the... Fucking hell, the door's open!

0:18:060:18:09

Sorry, I fell over there!

0:18:110:18:13

All right, cut camera number two, please.

0:18:150:18:17

LAUGHTER

0:18:210:18:23

I'm down!

0:18:260:18:28

I am cocking furious!

0:18:290:18:32

I sense that!

0:18:350:18:36

I can't get up!

0:18:370:18:38

Are you all right, babe?!

0:18:420:18:43

SQUEAKING

0:18:490:18:51

It's the noise that my jacket made!

0:18:510:18:54

Filming a sex scene is one of the least-sexy experiences, I think.

0:18:540:18:58

Fuck off!

0:19:020:19:03

I think you come away from it with great admiration for porn stars, how they can keep that romantic mood.

0:19:050:19:13

PANTING AND GROANING

0:19:130:19:15

-Your feet are too low.

-Feet up the bed.

0:19:160:19:20

I'll move her with my penis!

0:19:200:19:23

It's borderline traumatic for me, because I really feel for the actress involved!

0:19:250:19:31

Oh!

0:19:370:19:40

If was the actress put in a room and told to kiss me, I would let my house go.

0:19:430:19:48

I'd just go onto social benefits.

0:19:480:19:51

Say something in Welsh!

0:19:530:19:55

Go on!

0:19:550:19:57

Just a castle!

0:19:570:19:59

I almost feel the need to go to the other actors involved beforehand and apologise,

0:19:590:20:06

make sure there was counselling set up for them afterwards,

0:20:060:20:09

and just a safe room they can go to.

0:20:090:20:11

I'm not really impressed with this.

0:20:140:20:16

Jenny.

0:20:190:20:21

Jenny, you're all right.

0:20:230:20:24

No, not all right. I'm shocked.

0:20:240:20:27

When you do that first kiss and you can sense how much they're struggling.

0:20:270:20:31

Once the...

0:20:310:20:33

That sounds wrong, doesn't it?!

0:20:330:20:35

A little bit.

0:20:380:20:39

There's been some mistake. It's not my birthday.

0:20:390:20:42

Sorry! I didn't mean to punch you!

0:20:420:20:44

It's all right!

0:20:440:20:46

I actually like being physically manhandled on camera for laughs.

0:20:460:20:51

That was great!

0:20:550:20:57

You get somebody like Sinead who hits you when you don't need to, when it's absolutely unnecessary.

0:20:570:21:02

I may be stupid, but I'm not an idiot.

0:21:020:21:05

I don't need the first bit, I just want the end, so just skip to the end and stop doing the slapping!

0:21:100:21:14

Seven... No, I'll take six.

0:21:140:21:16

Put 'em back. They're not for sale.

0:21:160:21:20

It felt like you were genuinely hurt!

0:21:230:21:25

You've grown them on your windowsill.

0:21:250:21:27

What's he mean...?

0:21:280:21:30

I'm sorry! I caught you so hard!

0:21:300:21:32

SNORING

0:21:320:21:34

I have tried waking him up.

0:21:380:21:40

It's like trying to wake a cushion!

0:21:420:21:45

So what's the word on the street?

0:21:470:21:49

Cut camera, please.

0:21:510:21:53

Any guest star that's come on the show has left with a sense of superiority

0:21:580:22:04

that we've gifted to them.

0:22:040:22:06

-Our ineptness proves to be quite a nice ice-breaker.

-It's charming, I think.

0:22:060:22:12

I think they find it charming, the cottage industry that is Ideal.

0:22:120:22:16

And this is Nathaniel.

0:22:160:22:18

-In't he scrummy?

-Hi...

0:22:180:22:20

Sorry!

0:22:230:22:24

My ineptitude is a sacrifice for other people's egos.

0:22:240:22:29

I give and I give.

0:22:290:22:31

I fail and I fail.

0:22:310:22:34

But, I no longer.

0:22:340:22:36

Do you like...

0:22:360:22:38

-I fucked that up with my pacing!

-Did you see me? I just...

0:22:380:22:41

Janeane Garofalo, probably the most unprofessional set she's ever worked on.

0:22:410:22:49

LAUGHTER

0:22:500:22:52

Could I have been a fucking worse actor on that take? That was so awful.

0:22:560:23:00

Mark E Smith as Jesus.

0:23:000:23:02

Yeah, not the most obvious casting, but it paid off.

0:23:020:23:06

I didn't mean to doubt you.

0:23:060:23:08

Of course you did.

0:23:080:23:09

Oh.

0:23:120:23:13

You're right about that Moz, anyway.

0:23:170:23:19

Xavier, can you pop to my Citroen Berlingo

0:23:190:23:22

and get my box of organs?

0:23:220:23:26

My Citroen Berlingo.

0:23:260:23:28

Oh, come on! Sorry, I realise you can't cut in the middle of that, can you?

0:23:280:23:32

-Graham Fellows, a hero of mine.

-Yeah.

0:23:320:23:36

-That was real quality.

-Dr Persil.

0:23:360:23:38

I believe that it's inside is the... Oh, bollocks!

0:23:380:23:42

And this is Nathaniel.

0:23:440:23:47

In't he scrummy?

0:23:470:23:49

LAUGHTER

0:23:490:23:50

And a bit startled!

0:23:500:23:51

The Sean Lock one was the worst, or the best, depending on how you look at it.

0:23:510:23:56

I said, "That'll be funny, Sean Lock there with big breasts, that'll be very funny."

0:23:560:24:00

Too funny. The main thing is, now we can just get on with being a nice, normal family.

0:24:000:24:05

That was completely my fault, sorry!

0:24:080:24:11

So you've...

0:24:110:24:14

Sorry.

0:24:140:24:15

The important thing is, now we can just get on

0:24:170:24:19

with being a nice, normal family!

0:24:190:24:22

'We said, "It'll just take you half a day."'

0:24:220:24:24

-That's right, cos he was going to the football.

-Yeah.

0:24:240:24:27

He had tickets for a match, and it was never going to happen.

0:24:270:24:30

The main thing is, now we can just get on with being a nice...

0:24:300:24:35

SEAN CLEARS HIS THROAT

0:24:370:24:39

It was just like, "Have we got one with all the... Can we edit?"

0:24:430:24:46

"Is there one where the man says the words?!"

0:24:460:24:50

That's all you're looking for!

0:24:500:24:52

The main thing is, now we can just get on with being a nice...

0:24:520:24:56

His Cherobics.

0:24:580:25:00

Ah, when he starts doing the Cherobics, yeah.

0:25:000:25:03

It's a cardio-muscular workout using a full Cher costume and wig.

0:25:030:25:08

The fat just...

0:25:100:25:13

It's a high-impact, cardio-muscular workout in full Cher costume and wig.

0:25:140:25:20

Is there some sort of gag I could wear once he stands up? Sorry.

0:25:200:25:25

Come on. We'll do it. We can do it.

0:25:270:25:29

Hey, we'd best shoot.

0:25:320:25:35

-Oh, my God!

-I think you should have booked two days for these scenes!

0:25:450:25:49

He's gone all moral since he found Jesu.

0:25:560:25:58

Too gay?

0:26:040:26:05

I suppose my abiding feeling is thinking, we had a lot of fun,

0:26:050:26:10

but if we hadn't, we could have probably done it in half the time.

0:26:100:26:14

You know, we could have gone home to our families a lot sooner, probably.

0:26:140:26:18

Don't tell them that!

0:26:180:26:21

Agh!

0:26:210:26:22

Argh!

0:26:230:26:24

Sorry!

0:26:250:26:26

Hang on, just one sec!

0:26:260:26:29

HE SINGS A FANFARE

0:26:290:26:31

-That's good without the laugh.

-Sorry!

0:26:360:26:38

It's like going back to the special school in the summer holidays.

0:26:380:26:41

This is exactly the same.

0:26:410:26:43

It's a summer school for washed-up actors and thespians and comics. I'm home.

0:26:430:26:49

Are you sure that is all finished?

0:26:490:26:52

-Yeah.

-Aw!

0:26:520:26:54

-You can lick out t'bowl if you... Lick out t'bowl! Is that right?

-Yeah.

-Oh, fucking hell!

0:26:540:26:58

Ooh, it's them again! Fuck!

0:27:040:27:06

It's very emotional, but you're not fucking hugging me with that!

0:27:120:27:15

Everyone within the show are friends.

0:27:150:27:19

It's not just a colleague thing.

0:27:190:27:21

You shouldn't technically be able to have that much fun at work.

0:27:220:27:27

Oh... Hang on.

0:27:570:27:59

Can I start again?

0:27:590:28:00

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0:28:210:28:24

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0:28:240:28:27

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