Episode 1 Ill Behaviour

This programme contains very strong language.

SIRENS WAIL

Come on, get down!

The fire brigade are on their way.

Meet me there and we'll see if we can...

Yay!

Hey, Steph! It's Joel.

Er, just wanted a chat, you know, talk things through.

It's not every day you get divorced. Er...

Or maybe, in a way, this whole weird thing

has brought us closer together.

It's possible.

Call me back. Bye!

SIRENS WAIL

-Hey, man.

-Hey!

-How's it going?

-I'm good, yeah. You?

Yeah, not bad. Can't complain.

-Not dangling off a railing.

-Good, good stuff.

I can't help but notice you're chucking quite a lot of money

-over the balcony.

-Yeah.

Just wondering if you'd thought about maybe stopping doing that

and coming to the pub with me and Tess.

Now you mention it, I haven't.

Come on, Joel.

Come inside and put the money away...

into a bank account, maybe.

It's my money,

I can do what I want with it.

Just come in off the ledge.

Oh, come on, man.

Not the ring.

Don't chuck the ring.

Come on, you're not Frodo.

This is an intervention! It's for your own good.

If I want to be a dick, let me be a dick!

I'm not going to let you be a dick because you're not a dick.

I am, I'm a total dick!

There's nothing you can do about it.

So, how much did you get in total?

Mmm...

Two million.

Like, there or thereabouts.

Wow.

It's like I'm in the First Wives Club, it just feels wrong,

and like I haven't done anything to deserve it.

Well, that's true.

Still took it, though, didn't you?

Two million's nothing to Steph,

her hedge fund's going through the roof.

It was just a payoff to make her feel better about dumping me.

She said that she wanted a husband who'd achieved something.

Well, if she had told me what she wanted me to achieve

-then I would've achieved it.

-I'm not sure it works like that.

-We got you a cake.

-Ooh!

Happy divorce day, mate.

It's a separation sponge.

Come on, guys, too soon.

Why? It's the best thing that ever happened to you.

What?

Steph wasn't good for you.

Are you saying that neither of you liked my wife?

You pretended to like my wife for, what, ten years?

We couldn't tell you how we really felt about her.

What if you ended up spending your lives together?

You probably wouldn't have talked to us ever again.

What did you not like about her?

I'd tell you, but I've got to be back at work in 17 hours.

Getting disinvited from your wedding because I'm married to someone

you went out with for a month in sixth form is happy memory.

Oh, my God.

So...

does everyone feel the same way?

This is horrible!

No, it's brilliant because you never have to see her again

and neither do we.

I have fucked things up so fucking much.

I've wasted ten years - no marriage, no house, no kids.

-Nothing.

-Well, if it makes you feel any better,

I've got no marriage, no house, no kids

and I don't even have two million quid.

Kira. Yep, it's me.

Bit of a rescue mission, erm...

I've got to check Joel out of this hotel.

Can you make up a bed?

It's been two weeks.

Yeah, but I said he could stay here until he got his shit together.

So I guess he'll be here for ever, then.

Look, I love Joel too, but there's got to be a limit, OK?

And I think maybe we reached it when he finished

the second tub of caramel ice cream.

OK.

Hey, dude.

Back To The Future's about to start.

We must've seen that 100 times in sixth form.

-You fancy making 101?

-That sounds fun.

Listen, it has been great to have you here,

-it's been really great, but...

-Are you kicking me out?

It's more like I'm gently but firmly pushing you back into your life.

-I don't have a life.

-Well, you could get a life.

Where from, the life shop?

Look at the positives.

You're loaded and you can start again.

Like, find somewhere nice to live, meet someone new.

Do you mean date?

I don't date, I'm not a dater.

Well, according to your dating profile, you are.

"Trip-hop enthusiast."

You've got that Massive Attack CD.

You set this up months ago,

before Steph and I even split up.

Yeah, sometimes wishful thinking pays off.

Look at that, you've got a match

and you've invited her out for dinner. That is so nice of you.

-This is identity theft.

-It'll be fun!

No, it'll be incredibly awkward.

Yes, but luckily there's a widely available awkwardness cure

called booze. Just play it cool,

don't tell her this is your first-ever internet date

or that you just got divorced.

This is actually my first-ever internet date,

just got divorced.

So you're a rebounder?

Kind of.

But not really, no.

Totally over it.

No feelings for your ex?

Well, look, I did have feelings for her

but I talked to some friends and realised that those feelings

may have been somewhat misplaced.

They pointed out what a psycho you'd married.

No. Well...

She was just very busy and tired

-and angry.

-Hm.

I'd be angry if I was that busy and tired.

Probably wouldn't throw stuff so much,

but she paid for it so I guess she's entitled to throw it.

Yeah, well, we've all had our fair share of psychos.

My ex, he used to hack my e-mails, voicemails and texts

-every single day.

-God, that is awful.

-I know.

Yeah, he was convinced that I was sleeping around on him,

which, I mean, I was sleeping around on him, but still.

-Yeah, there's a principle.

-Exactly.

-Yeah.

Thank you.

No offence, but I can't help noticing that you are American.

-Yeah. I moved here for college.

-BEEPING

Cigarettes are cheaper so I never went back.

Oh, you've got a pager.

I'm a doctor.

Oncologist, so pager makes it that little bit harder for them

to get in touch with me.

So, no emergency?

I guess we'll never know.

HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

What game are you in?

I don't really have a game, unless you count Call Of Duty,

which isn't exactly a career, although I am fucking good at it.

And you're new to the whole dating game?

Yeah, pretty much.

Rule one, weed out the marrieds and the marry-ers.

Right, at the end of the day,

-it's just meant to be a bit of fun, isn't it?

-Exactly, no strings.

Yes, bloody strings, getting caught up in everything.

Strings are for guitars and...

..vests.

Anyway, I am totally up for anything.

-Are you sure about that?

-Absolutely.

OK.

Why not? Let's do it.

Ready?

Ready for what, exactly?

Well, I mean, are you ready to fuck?

My shifts, they're all over the place

so I really need to take advantage of these opportunities

as they come up.

Well, we haven't even ordered yet.

Right, well, then, I suppose you have to ask yourself,

what is it that you want out of life?

Do you want wild boar ragout

or do you want dirty, filthy sex

in the hopefully quite clean public rest room?

Well, should we order first?

It might be here by the time we're finished.

SHE MOANS

HE MOANS

That's it.

PAGER BEEPS

I guess I should probably take this one.

But, erm...

I haven't finished yet.

Well, go for it, dude.

Plenty of loo paper.

DOOR CLOSES

Then she just wiped and walked.

Well, that's what friends are for -

making you do things against your will that end with you having sex

in a public toilet.

And then, when it was over, I just felt really guilty,

-like I've been unfaithful to Steph.

-Oh, God.

But after I had some pappardelle and a think,

-I mainly just wanted to do it again.

-Yay!

Right.

MUSIC PLAYS INSIDE

What?

Welcome to the pleasure dome.

Something familiar.

The posters...

..the music...

..the PS2.

It's a tribute to Marshfield Street, remember?

The flat we shared the summer we left uni.

It's amazing, huh?

-Wow, you actually did this.

-I know!

This is properly, properly mental.

It's like a time capsule of the best three months of our lives.

MUSIC OFF That was just before I got into AA

and cleaned up my act. Those were my lost years.

What, do you mean cos of all the times you lost me at footie?

Oh, it's like that, is it?

HE CHUCKLES

You know, when I said you needed to get a life,

I didn't mean the one you had 15 years ago.

Why not? I was really happy then.

-Why can't I go back?

-Cos you can't.

You've got to move on, man. Live in the now.

Well, it's easy for you to say, your now is incredible.

Got an amazing house, a beautiful wife, gorgeous kids.

Must be great being a dad.

Yeah, it is.

But it's tough, it's knackering.

But it is amazing.

We're actually trying for a third.

Oh, that's great.

Don't know how soon we'll manage it, though.

I haven't been feeling super well lately.

Touch of paradise syndrome?

That is...

Itchy skin and night sweats and just feeling knackered all the time.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Have you been to see a doctor?

-Yeah, I have, actually.

They reckon it's Hodgkin's lymphoma.

GAME PAUSES

Hodgkin's...

Isn't that cancer?

We don't like to use that word.

GAME RESUMES It's so negative.

Yeah, guess it is quite negative.

So what did the doctor say?

Strongly urged me to start chemotherapy as soon as possible.

GAME PAUSES

Fuck.

God, that's going to be tough,

but you're still pretty young and healthy and...

I'll be there for you. We all will.

I'm not going to do it.

You're not?

No, I've discussed it with Kira, I'm going to heal naturally.

OK.

Yeah, I've started acupuncture, daily enemas,

I'm on a macrobiotic diet.

-Juice fasting.

-Oh, wow. That sounds...

delicious.

I just wonder, talking off the top of my head,

but whether it would be better to see the fruit juice

as a tasty side dish to the main meal of...

-chemotherapy?

-Joel, just relax,

I've got the most amazing team of natural healers looking after me.

They're experts in their field, I'm getting the best possible care.

I'm going to be fine.

Come on, play. GAME RESUMES

Yes! Yes, top corner.

Fuck you, Italy!

It's not fair, you distracted me by...

having cancer.

Tess.

Tonight, mind pulling another latey, matey?

Actually, I was hoping to...

The thing is, there's kind of no-one else I can ask

because, unlike the rest of us,

you don't have anyone at home that's going to miss you, so, yeah?

All right, sure.

-What the hell are you doing here?

-We need to talk. Now.

Jesus Christ.

I've googled everything.

The bad news is that Hodgkin's is fatal,

the great news is that chemotherapy has got a 94% cure rate.

-That's a great rate!

-Charlie's not taking it,

the dickhead's signing his own suicide note.

He's got cancer, you can't call him a dickhead.

-Yes, I can, if he behaves like a dickhead.

-He's really healthy

and if he's trying all these alternative treatments,

maybe they'll work.

So, which treatment are you pinning your hopes on -

the carrot juice, the needles or the water up the bum?

DOOR OPENS

Hi.

We have to talk to him, we've got to confront him with the truth.

Confront him? Confrontation isn't exactly my strong suit.

What? There's no time to be all British about this.

-Actually, Irish.

-We've got a chance to save Charlie,

-we have to take it.

-Sure.

Look, if you'd told me sooner what kind of woman I was marrying,

I would've saved myself a decade's worth of grief.

If friends can't be honest with each other,

what's the point of being friends?

Hang out and chat shit?

Do you have any idea how long this is going to take?

I'm only supposed to have an hour for lunch.

"Energy healing." No, thanks.

-"Psychic surgery", Jesus!

-All right, Joel.

"Homoeopathy..."

That's Kira's, isn't it?

Oh, look, they're charging 300 quid

for a course in isomorphic hypnotherapy.

-What the fuck is that?

-That's one of mine.

-Hey! How's it going?

-Hey.

-We thought we'd take you out for a surprise lunch.

-Yeah.

-Er... Yeah, OK.

-Yeah?

-OK.

-Erm, so, how's it going with the, er, lymphoma?

-Er...

Not the trying for a baby - can imagine how well that's going.

Joel told me about the lump and I am so sorry.

It's fine, honestly.

He also told me about the 94% cure rate for chemo, which is great, huh?

I'm not going to have chemotherapy.

I'm not surprised you don't fancy it, you know, NHS these days,

but how about I release some moths from the old wallet, eh?

Use some of the divorce dividends to pay for you to go private?

-Joel.

-Maybe we could upgrade you to chemo plus,

where they add a bit of smack to the mix.

Look, I appreciate your concern, I do,

-but I've looked into all of this.

-Yeah, so have we.

Our emphasis is on healing naturally,

it's on empowering the body to heal itself, yeah?

What the medical multinationals don't want you to know

but what real science proves is that chemotherapy

actually gives you cancer.

-But...

-You've already...

-BOTH:

-..got cancer.

Oh, this is Harry

He's got me on coffee enemas.

I've promised him a mango and passion fruit one for his birthday.

-Nice.

-Harry had cancer last year.

-Yeah?

-Oh.

Prostate. Right up the bunghole.

But I smoked the fucker out with a cruise missile of pomegranate juice

-and a flaxseed cluster bomb.

-Yes!

See?

That's what I'm talking about.

Guys, I'm a professional, yeah?

This is what I do.

The amount of people I've seen walk into this place sick

and walk out again well.

Yeah, I mean, it is great, all your alternative stuff

for all your lovely hippy punters but, mate, this is cancer,

it's not going down without a fight.

Just because treatment's alternative doesn't mean it won't work.

-Hi!

-Oh.

-Sorry to bother you like this.

-How did you find me?

Well, you gave me your address, remember?

No.

Oh...

Well, I really need to talk to you.

So you didn't get the message?

Oh, shit. No, sorry. God, my phone is so crap.

-Bloody Vodafone.

-No, I meant the implicit message

of me not returning your phone calls.

Oh, right, yeah.

-No, I got that message.

-OK.

Listen, listen, one of my best friends has got Hodgkin's lymphoma.

Right, you can fall down a rabbit hole researching online

and you're the only oncologist I know, so I was wondering

whether I could just fire a few questions at you?

-Oh, I really...

-So, in a case of stage one nodular sclerosing,

if the Reed-Sternberg cells are treated with radiation therapy,

is there a chance...?

OK, do you mind if we have this fun chat another time?

I've got company.

Er. Yeah. I've got...

I can always, erm, e-mail you the questions...

There's no rush.

Well, there is a bit of a rush.

Erm, also, I was wondering

whether you'd potentially be up for another...

Goodnight, Joe.

Oh.

Er, it...

It's Joel.

GASPING AND MOANING PLAYS

-You seem really focused and determined.

-Is that a problem?

I've just never seen you focused or determined before,

so both at once is a bit of a headfuck.

Hey-ha!

Great to see you!

Er - yeah... Yeah, you, too.

Come and say hi to Kira and the girls.

Does it look bigger? The lump?

I don't know. Maybe? Possibly?

-This is where the magic happens.

-Aww!

Yeah, the old pharmacology shop.

Got vitamins, state-of-the-art antineoplaston pills

and enema equipment.

Let me show you the juicing factory.

Oh, hey, you two!

There they are, my girls, juicing away.

My crack squad of natural healers.

It's so great you're here.

Not everyone's been supportive of our health choices.

We're just about to start some Hoxsey therapy.

Herbal remedy from the 19th century.

It was originally discovered

when it reduced tumours in horses' legs.

-Oh!

-Wow! That sounds amazing.

Right, enough carrots - shall we get a proper lunch?

So, when you bought the car,

did you look at the other colours

and think, "Nah, I'm just going to go full bell-end"?

Look, if you're in the car and enjoying the car,

you're not allowed to make comments about the car. OK?

I think it's great you're getting your mid-life crisis in early.

No, no, it's good that's Joel's finding himself.

It's just a shame that the self he's finding is a bit of a twat.

-THEY LAUGH

-Right. Out.

Here we are.

Doesn't look like much, but it does the most amazing tea.

Nadia!

What a nice surprise!

Nice car.

I guess what you lose in insurance payments

you gain in looking like you've got a tiny dick.

HE CHUCKLES

-Do you, erm...do you mind if we join you?

-Sure, go ahead.

Ohh!

Charlie, Tess - this is Nadia. She's, er, from that dating site.

Great to meet you.

Heard so much about you.

We're not going out, if that's what you're thinking.

She does not mince her words, good old Nadia.

In fact, she can be a bit of a wild one...

She's also a fully qualified oncologist.

Oh, that's a coincidence,

cos Charlie here's been diagnosed with cancer - Hodgkin's lymphoma.

Wow. Bummer.

So, Nadia, in your professional opinion,

what's the best way to treat Hodgkin's?

Well, chemotherapy has a 90% effectiveness rating.

9... 94%.

It's actually got a 94% effectiveness in clinical trials.

Somewhere between 90 and 94% effective,

-depending on which trials...

-OK. Great.

Thank you so much for the free community theatre.

No, no, wait - just show Nadia your lump.

I've already shown a doctor my lump.

All doctors have to offer is chemical poisoning.

Which is off the menu. So...

Look. You need to think of your body as an apartment that's got dry rot.

It's not going to be fun getting it out -

the walls are going to take a bit of a battering -

but we're going to get there.

And then, the good news is,

when it's all over, you'll still be able to live in it.

Hodgkin's is a good lymphoma to have. Plus you're only stage one.

Chemo will cure it. OK?

"Just do it", as Nike would say,

if they sold cancer shoes.

Would it be too much just to ask you all

just to respect my freedom of choice?

We would respect your freedom of choice

if your choice wasn't so incredibly stupid.

Kira and I have spent a lot of time researching this.

Yeah, unlike the people who are selling you acupuncture and juice.

You can't license juice!

So, of course there's no research into it.

Come on, mate.

So, you believe 9/11 was an inside job,

and you don't believe this?

9/11 was an inside job!

Jet fuel can't melt steel beams!

Remember when my mum had cancer?

The chemo hollowed her out.

What little life she had left wasn't worth living.

I'm not going to put myself through that.

I'm going to live.

No, you're not.

You're going to die.

Well, we'll see, won't we?

Excuse me.

NADIA SIGHS

Well, I guess I should go back to work.

Ahem.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Well, no need for the brown envelope and the drug-dealer slide, but...

thank you.

She's a delight.

-Yeah, we'll go for the carrots, beetroot...

-Two carrots?

Two carrots, two, two, and we'll get two of those, as well.

Kira!

Fancy meeting you here!

Oh, hey, Joel.

-Charlie told me what happened the other day.

-Oh...

You shouldn't try to manipulate people like that, it's not cool.

Look, I just want what's best for Charlie.

I'm sorry you don't want to support what we're doing. Thank you.

Maybe it's better for everyone

if you don't come round to see Charlie any more.

Are you freezing me out?

You're freezing yourself out.

Charlie doesn't need all this negativity and anger around him.

"Anger is an energy", to quote Johnny Rotten.

I'm not calling Johnny Rotten a qualified medical professional,

but I think he'd back me up

when I say there's a time and place for carrots

and a time and a place for medicine.

Carrots ARE medicine.

Yeah, medicine with a 0% chance of curing cancer -

unlike chemotherapy, which has a 94% chance.

Yeah, but what if we're in that 6%?

6% is 1 in 16!

That's getting towards Russian roulette odds.

Yeah, if you're playing Russian roulette with a really big gun.

Look, I won't bother you and Charlie any more -

just tell him to take the chemo.

Please!

I've been doing loads more research.

I've got some really exciting stuff to tell you.

You can't just keep walking in here like this.

So, to cure Hodgkin's,

all you need is to blast away with a basic ABVD chemo cocktail.

-Doxorubicin, bleomycin, vinblastine and a dacarbazine chaser.

-Right.

ABVD's not even that expensive. A couple of grand should cover it!

Right, so we just go down to Boots

-and ask for a couple of grands' worth of chemotherapy medicine?

-No.

-Nadia's got a contact.

-Black market drugs?

-More grey market.

-I'm not having this conversation.

It's all above board.

Ethically. If not quite legally.

I know you care about Charlie, I do, too,

but this is not happening.

We have reasoned with him.

We've got a doctor to reason with him.

I talked to Kira.

We've tried everything, and none of it's worked.

So, we've got two choices -

we sit back and watch Charlie die...

or kidnap him and give him chemo until he's cured.

-What?!

-It's a piece of piss to administer.

Tube in the bag, other end of the tube in the arm.

-Done and dusted.

-You've totally lost it.

It's called tough love.

Maybe if you and Charlie had tough loved me a bit more,

I wouldn't have wasted the last decade of my life.

It is one thing to tell your mate that his wife's mental,

it is quite another thing to commit a crime and go to prison.

What is the crime, saving his life?

The CRIMES are abduction and kidnapping,

and administering a substance against somebody's will,

which, if it isn't a crime, really ought to be.

Sure, but Charlie's not going to press charges, is he?

It wouldn't be up to Charlie!

Fine, then we go to prison, but we save his life.

That's a small price to pay.

Depending how many years we spend in prison,

it's actually quite a big price.

If it wasn't for Charlie,

I'd still be chucking 20s over a balcony in my pants.

He was there for me. He saved me.

-Technically, WE saved you.

-Now it's my turn.

-This is a bit different, don't you think?

-No.

It's just mates being mates for their mates.

You've got too much time on your hands.

You need to get a job and a life.

A life? A life is what Charlie needs.

-I can't just drop everything to...

-Why not?

You should be writing your book, living the dream,

not flushing yourself down this soul-sucking toilet bowl.

Just think about it.

It's the perfect one-size-fits-all solution.

You'll write your book, Charlie won't die,

and I'll pick up the tab.

Sorry, personal visits aren't permitted, I'm afraid.

Miss Dyson's productivity is already at a dangerously low level

due to the amount of time she spends writing robot porn.

That's private - and it's not porn, it's adult science fiction!

The car's outside.

I'm going to save Charlie's life.

I really need your help.

Tess, help settle a bet.

You're the expert on having sex with machines -

Danny and I were wondering which brand of kettle

makes the most considerate lover.

THEY CHUCKLE

Actually, I wanted to let you know

that I'm leaving your shitty job in a fucking Bentley.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

My visitor - that was my literary agent,

and he's outside now with my new Bentley.

Sure he is.

And he's sold my novel for a seven- or eight-figure sum.

Well, which is it? Seven or eight?

It doesn't matter - it's just a great deal of money.

Well, it kind of matters,

because the smallest eight-figure sum is 10 million.

Are you getting £10 million for your novel?

Quite possibly.

You can all stop drinking from my Blade Runner mug.

You can stop dipping your fucking celery in my hummus, John.

FYI, I've been gobbing in it.

And those Jaffa Cakes you've all been stealing -

I lick every one.

Fuck you!

Joel!

You're going to do it?

Yes! Come on!

We're going to save Charlie.

-Let me drive.

-What?

Give me the keys! I told them it was my car, let me drive.

Thank you.

This is great, this is going to be great!

Right, ignition on,

-handbrake off... Ooh!

-Oi!

-Sorry.

Right, I'll look for a house for us to rent in the middle of nowhere.

Stop laughing, assholes!

This thing's a beast. Agh!

I'll find us a nice low-key hideout.

The property's a homestay,

but the owners are looking at renting it out long term.

See, they're in Australia indefinitely -

but, you know, they've left the house as is.

Yeah, pretty hard to get that through customs, I imagine!

Exactly, yeah.

Five bedrooms, three bathrooms, large basement.

Perfect for a big family.

It's great. It's great. It's exactly what I'm looking for.

How many children do you have?

Er, three.

Well, I'm hoping to have three.

They are quite strict about the house rules.

That's not a problem.

I love rules. I love following them.

Three months OK?

Well, the minimum rental period is normally six.

How about if I pay you in full in advance...in cash?

That should be fine.

Yellow Bentley. So discreet.

Shazia, this is Joel and...a woman.

Hi, I'm Tess.

I'm actually a writer.

It's a dead patient's prescription.

Another one bites the dust.

It's amazing how many drugs these dead patients need.

Thanks.

There you go. That's your commission.

Oh, white envelope this time! Classy.

Here's my card if you need any more.

Wait, hold on a minute!

We need training. We're not qualified to...

Relax, they all come with instruction leaflets.

-Instruction leaflets?

-It's like cancer IKEA.

If you get in trouble, you call the helpline.

Er, I don't suppose you fancy getting a spot of dinner?

The date window has closed.

I just want to be extremely clear about that,

because I wouldn't want you to have any hopes.

There's no hopes here.

Who needs stupid hopes?

You should probably get another car.

A crime car.

-All right?

-Yeah.

Tell you what, I'm glad we got the fucking estate.

I know what you're thinking, and, yes,

this is very much a sex thing.

You're looking well.

Thanks. Yeah. I'm feeling good, actually.

Feeling really...

HE COUGHS

That's just...

That's just toxins leaving the body.

Right.

What's with all the cloak-and-dagger stuff?

Asking me to meet you in the middle of nowhere

and promising not to tell Kira.

Did you tell Kira?

No, but why?

Because she's so anti-Joel at the moment,

she probably wouldn't want you to come and visit

Joel's new house in the country!

Yeah?

Great.

Oh, that's great he's got somewhere.

We've been worried about him since the divorce.

I mean, Steph was a nightmare,

but at least being married to her gave him some...solidity.

I feel like he needs a project to focus on, don't you think?

Yeah. A project.

I mean, not a job, necessarily, but maybe something creative.

Charity work?

Right. Exactly. Charity work.

I'm just going to text Kira, let her know I might be late.

Shit.

Got no reception.

Oh, bummer. You should think about switching providers.

02 are immense.

Jesus, look at the size of this place.

-Still got no bloody reception.

-Oh, there'll be a landline inside.

-You made it!

-Yeah!

-Great to see you.

You didn't tell me that you'd rented Downton fucking Abbey.

Can I use your phone?

Ah, yeah - kitchen. In there.

-Everything ready?

-Of course it's ready.

-So, the jammer worked.

-Uh-huh.

Right, I'll pin him, you cuff him.

Why can't I pin him and you cuff him?

You can't pin him, you're a girl.

I'm a woman - and that's incredibly sexist.

There's no dial tone.

That's weird.

-Why are your hands behind your back?

-They're not.

Yes, they are.

That's how I like to walk sometimes.

Like Prince Charles.

Are you saying because I'm female I can't walk like Prince Charles?

That's incredibly sexist.

That's not what I'm saying.

What's going on?

Gah!

What the fuck are you doing?

OK, shh, shh.

I'm sorry, but it's for your own good.

-God, get off!

-It may feel bad, but, really, it's very good.

No...

No, no, no...

Good. Good.

You fucking...fucking...

-fucks...

-Shh-shh-shh.

Shh-shh-shh.

Double teaming the cancer victim.

Nice!

We're like a hard-core Chuckle Brothers.

Is he OK?

He looks dead.

No, he's not dead, it's a sedative - midazolam.

It's fine, it's medical!

Oh, because it's medical, it's fine?

Heroin's fucking medical!

Oh, my God...

We've killed him!

We tried to save him and we've killed him instead.

Oh, God, I hate us!

What have we done?

See! He's fine, he's fine. Look, he's not dead,

and, thanks to us, he won't be dead any time soon.

Now grab his legs, come on.

HE STRAINS

Go!

-Agh!

-Oh, whoa, don't drop him.

I'm not going to drop him.

Looked like you were going to drop him.

Listen, Legs, you just focus on doing your job

and stop worrying whether Shoulders is doing his.

MUSIC: Hate to Say I Told You So by The Hives

OK, first we insert the cannula...

Can't we just put the needle straight in?

No, we put the needle in through the cannula, remember?

-We've been over this.

-All right, just get on with it.

Got to find a vein.

Oh, this is horrible.

No, it's not horrible, it's medicine.

We're doctors.

-Pretend doctors.

-Fine, pretend doctors.

Mocktors.

Er...

Fuck, it looks so easy when they do it on TV.

Fucking...

You know what? Fuck you...

Not the chemo!

We inject the antinausea stuff first.

Right, OK, let's just do it before the sedative wears off.

OK...

-He's bleeding.

-I know he's bleeding, I can see he's fucking bleeding.

-He's not supposed to be bleeding, is he?

-No.

He is not supposed to be bleeding.

Get that thing out of his arm!

It's supposed to go in, not out!

Just get it out!

Oh, I'll do it.

Just take it out!

BOTH: A-A-Argh!

You turned his arm into a blood hose!

I didn't, you did!

Oh, my God, nice work, Dr Shipman.

-Oh, fuck!

-Aah! Get the leaflet!

Where's the leaflet?

We haven't got time to read the fucking leaflet -

the sedative doesn't last that long!

-Let's give him some more sedative.

-Two words.

"Michael" and "Jackson"!

Well, what else do you suggest, Dr Quinn Medicine Woman?

SHE SOBS

Basically, we would like to hire you to administer the chemo.

I guess you screwed it up pretty badly, then.

Erm... Well...

SHE VOMITS

Sorry.

Big night last night.

I took your envelope and I spent it all.

-You spent the whole 20 grand?

-Mm.

You can buy a great night out for 20 grand.

I think the low point was probably falling off that podium.

HE LAUGHS WEAKLY

Ugh! My biggest mistake was going into work the next day.

I got called into the principal's office.

Oh, no! What for?

I did this stupid chest drain a couple of weeks ago,

but I was kind of high

so I fucked it up and the asshole nearly died.

-Oh, my God.

-Also, I slept with a few patients.

Right.

Not the one I nearly killed, these were different ones.

The upshot is, I'm suspended, and I might even get struck off.

This is so fucking unfair.

Yeah, that's really unfair.

So, I am currently a gun for hire,

if you can imagine a medical gun that sprays health bullets.

OK... Great.

It is great, it's great timing, actually.

It's almost like the universe

is finally looking out for me, for once.

SHE SNORTS

Everything is coming up Nadia!

-So you'll do it?

-Sure.

-Brilliant!

-For 100 grand.

-Oh...

Please just let me go.

I can't.

I need my acupuncture.

I need...my juice.

Yeah, you really don't.

Look, I'm sorry about all this.

If you're sorry... why don't you just let me go?

Well, I'm not sorry we kidnapped you.

I'm just sorry it's so horrible.

What did you think it would be like?

DOOR OPENS A nice funfair ride?

Magic Chemo Mountain?

I'm back.

Who's this?

Dr Cool?

No, it's a Scottish doctor friend.

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-I'm here to administer your medicine.

What is it? Extremely fake Highland shortbread?

-Right...

-No!

You can't give him another dose of that.

Er, lorazepam?

That takes, like, an hour to dissolve. Here. Let's try...

-ketamine.

-Ketamine?!

Dissolves in the mooth.

Good old sublingual absorption.

Come on, give us a hand.

Fuck off! Fuck off.

Fuck off, fuck off.

Fuck off, please.

Isn't ketamine illegal?

In case you hadn't noticed,

everything we're doing is fucking illegal.

HE GASPS AND CHOKES

HE MUMBLES

That IS quick.

This place is something else.

Did you read Josef Fritzl's guide to building a dungeon?

No, of course not.

Although I did check out Ariel Castro's excellent website.

And that, my friend, is that.

Let the flavour flood in.

Er...should you be smoking?

He's already got cancer.

Yeah, I just thought it needed to be sterile?

Mm-mm.

Only when you're preparing it.

In fact, he's better off here than in a hospital, honestly.

Less risk of infection

from one of the living dead, as I like to call them.

Erm, do you have to head off so soon?

It's late. There's...there's plenty of spare bedrooms.

Nah, I just want to go home and sleep for a year.

Then maybe drink for a year,

then, I don't know, sleep for another year.

So...

Envelope.

Oh, yeah. Er...

This doesn't look like 100 grand.

I was thinking, you know,

rather than giving you all the money up front,

we could use... a system of instalments.

-Instalments?

-Yeah, like, one payment after every dose?

What, you don't trust me, or something?

You think I'm going to take the money and fuck off to Mexico?

-No...

-That is actually what I was planning on doing,

but not until I get it all, so...fine.

All right. Instalments.

See you in two weeks.

Or, you know, you could, er... You could stay here with us.

Why would I want to do that?

It might be fun.

-Right.

-But, more importantly,

what if something happens to Charlie?

Then you give me a call.

-What if you don't get here in time and he dies?

-He won't.

Yeah, but he might. Please... You know, just stay.

-No.

-What if...

I double your money?

Triple.

TRANCE MUSIC PLAYS

WHISTLING

Are you sure about this?

Bit late for that, isn't it?

Unless you want to suck the chemo out of his arm, like snake venom.

-I meant Nadia.

-What choice do we have?

She was already in on it, so...

-Just seems like a massive fucking liability.

-Fine.

Let's just scan through your database

of qualified black market doctors.

I hacked Charlie's answerphone.

OK...

-Getting all News Of The World on his ass?

-Just listen.

-KIRA:

-Charlie, please call me back. We're really worried about you.

-BEEP

-Charlie, where are you?

You've been gone seven hours. Please call me.

-BEEP

-I've called the police.

Wherever you are, OK, don't worry. We're coming to get you!

BEEP-BEEP

Well, on the bright side, she has no idea what happened to him, so...

Great, I feel so wonderfully carefree and happy

-now that you've said that.

-Look...

We are only keeping him captive until he is cured.

Tube in the arm twice a month for three months.

Three months. Jesus.

I can't believe we're actually...kidnappers.

We are not kidnappers.

We are just...

..extreme doctors.

We've got somebody chained up in the basement.

You don't get them doing that on Embarrassing Bodies.

Oh, they'd love to, though, it's just...Ofcom.

Look, relax! It's going to be fine.

Just think of it as an adventure holiday.

An illegally administered chemotherapy,

enforced incarceration holiday?

Yeah. Exactly.

-Kind of like Center Parcs.

-Huh.

I know you.

You're Nadia, Joel's date from the cafe.

-FAKE ACCENT:

-I don't know to what you might be referring.

Well, the scent of Silk Cut's a giveaway.

Fine.

I just pissed blood.

You're killing me.

That's just the doxorubicin.

It dyes your piss red for 48 hours.

I should have warned you, but I didn't want to ruin the surprise.

What kind of doctor injects an unconscious patient

-against their will?

-I guess it's like being a vet.

You know, you don't ask dogs to sign consent forms

cos they're too stupid to know what they mean.

-Except I'm not a dog.

-No, you're stupider...

because you should know better.

Oh, is that what you do for a living, you know better?

Just like Blair knew better about invading Iraq?

-I didn't invade Iraq.

-Well, you invaded my body

which is my own personal Iraq.

Want to know what I do for a living?

It is called being a qualified doctor.

You study for years,

you save people's lives

and everybody agrees you're fucking awesome.

And does the Hippocratic oath cover tying your patients up

-and poisoning them?

-I'm pretty sure the Hippocratic oath

is something to do with offering your soul to Apollo.

You're not a doctor. You're a medical mercenary.

How much of Joel's divorce dividend is he paying you?

What's wrong with getting paid?

What's wrong with being a needle for hire?

I don't know what your story is,

but it's clear that you took a wrong turn at some point in your life.

-Have you considered therapy?

-No. Have you?

Besides, I don't need that shit because...

I have a real cure for any problem, big or small.

Prescription single malt.

Dude! Look what I got.

Adult nappy!

-Oh, my God!

-It's the slacker dream!

No more stupid bedpan or going all the way to the bathroom

to take a dump, for you.

Just let me go.

I feel sick.

-That's just the bleomycin kicking in.

-Oh... No mask?

Mm. It's too much like work.

What's...?

Oh, shit.

Oh, my God. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Uh...

Oh, my God...

That's... That's not good.

That's not supposed to happen.

Just calm... Calm down, OK?

That's not supposed to...

Er... Call an ambulance.

-Oh, my God!

-Call... Call an ambulance!

Wait, wait, wait! Wait, wait, wait...

I'm just fucking with you. That's just...

-LAUGHING:

-That's just a muscle spasm.

A tremor, we call it. It's all good.

It's not all good! NADIA AND JOEL LAUGH

It's not all good. That's not all good!

Ah, she got us good there. Good old Nadia.

Phew! You've got to admit, she... She got us there.

HE SIGHS

Dude, you've got to relax.

Just take your mind off everything.

Right, if you agree to play a bit of Xbox,

maybe I could loosen your straps one relaxing notch?

-Fuck off.

-Oh, come on, mate.

You're not going anywhere. You might as well enjoy it.

Enjoy it?

Why not?

Hey, when do guys our age ever get a chance just to hang out like this?

We haven't kicked back and just had a bloody good laugh in ages.

I just want to go home.

I just want to see Kira and Phoebe and Megan.

OK. Well, if you don't want to play a game,

then we can always watch a movie.

I've got Captain America... Planet Of The Apes?

This is just an excuse for you

to regress to your adolescence, isn't it?

It's like your insane flat.

Well, excuse me for trying to make this a little bit fun for you

while I'm busy saving your life.

Well, my idea of fun is being at home with my family, getting well.

Oh, wow, that sounds thrilling.

Look, I know this all seems a little bit cruel,

but it's for your own good. Right?

It's friendly fire.

Friendly fire is when a soldier gets shot by his own army, you dick!

All right, friendlier than that.

DOOR SLAMS, LOCK CLICKS

Charlie hasn't been seen since he left his Bristol address,

and we are becoming increasingly concerned for his safety.

I think I'm running out of respawn...

-Heads up, we've got a new guy on the team!

-What's up, new guy?

Yeah! So, new guy,

-you going to help us take down these swarm fuckers or not?

-Head shot!

-GUNFIRE

-Yes!

-Forget about him.

We've got bigger things to worry about.

I just want to make it clear - I will fuck you, but that's it.

Absolutely.

-You got that.

-Sick!

-Aw, I missed it, man!

No, it's that way. That way! That way!

Yeah, come on, then.

And even though we're living together,

-we're not, you know, actually LIVING together.

-Of course, yeah.

I'll probably pass out in your bed after I come,

but do not take that personally.

-Shit!

-Got him!

-Oh, yes, man! I got him!

-Where are you?

Oh, my God, it's happening.

It's the holiday of my dreams.

Is anybody there? Is anybody there?

Where you been, man? What's going on?

Come on, we're getting slaughtered over here.

Oh, bastard!

GASPING AND MOANING

WHISPERS: I've been kidnapped! I'm in a house somewhere in the country.

They're giving me chemotherapy against my will!

-That sounds pretty fucked up.

-Are you serious?

-Mate...

-That was my shot!

-Is that the new level?

-No. No, no! It's...

It's not the game. This is real life.

I've been kidnapped.

-You've got to rescue me!

-I think he's telling the truth.

Is this for real?

I could get my dad. He's a policeman.

Sorry, where are you?

I don't know. I don't know exactly where the house is.

It's... Er, it's, like, an hour outside of Bristol.

-MAN:

-Hello, this is Liam's dad. Is this some kind of a joke?

It's not! It's not a joke.

I'm in a cellar in a house somewhere in south-west England.

I'm being held against my will and injected.

-What are you being injected with?

-Chemotherapy drugs.

I've got cancer, they're injecting me with chemotherapy drugs.

Are you sure you're not in the hospital?

I'm not in a fucking hospital! LOCK CLICKS