Episode 2 Ill Behaviour


Episode 2

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Transcript


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Don't tell her this is your first-ever internet date

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or that you just got divorced.

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This is actually my first-ever internet date. Just got divorced.

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That's what friends are for.

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It's making you do things against your will that end with you having sex in a public toilet.

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-Joel told me about the cancer, and I am so sorry.

-It's fine, honestly.

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He also told me about the 94% cure rate for chemo, which is great, huh?

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I'm not going to have chemotherapy.

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Hodgkin's is a good lymphoma to have.

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-Chemo will cure it.

-I'm going to live.

-No, you're not.

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You're going to die.

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We've got two choices - we sit back and watch Charlie die,

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or we kidnap him and give him chemo until he's cured.

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-Oh, God!

-Give up! Give up!

-No!

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We need training. We're not qualified to...

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This programme contains very strong language

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-Who's this? Dr Cool?

-I'm here to administer your medicine.

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-Are you sure about this?

-Bit late for that, isn't it?

-I meant Nadia.

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What choice do we have?

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She just seems like a massive fucking liability.

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It's not the game. I'm being held against my will. I've got cancer.

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They're injecting me with chemotherapy drugs.

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-'Are you sure you're not in the hospital?'

-I'm not in a fucking hospital...

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I'm in a cellar somewhere off the A38. I need you to help me escape!

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-PLAYER 1:

-Oh, no, I'm on my own!

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I figured you could use something to help you sleep.

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-Hey, you're really getting into the game.

-Yeah.

-Glad you're having fun.

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I'm really enjoying writing my novel,

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although I haven't read anything back yet in case it's actually shit.

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-PLAYER 1:

-This chemotherapy kidnap mission - where is it? What level's it on? It sounds sick.

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-PLAYER 2:

-Yeah, yeah. I'm up for a chemo kidnap. Nice one!

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Getting a little assistance from your regiment, are you?

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Tess... No, no! No!

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-Give it to me!

-No!

-Give it to me!

-No!

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I'm sorry to tell you, but your regiment doesn't have your best interests at heart.

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-Tess!

-Joel!

-Tess, this is fucked up.

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-Joel!

-I'm just trying to unfuck it up!

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-You know I'm right. Please! Please, just let me go!

-What? What is it?

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-Charlie tried to escape through Xbox Live Chat.

-What?

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-You said all the network settings were locked down!

-I thought they were.

-Oh, great! Nice work, genius!

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We need to get rid of the Xbox. It's the simplest solution.

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But that's the centre of the entertainment hub!

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How's Charlie going to entertain himself without the hub?

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I've got an idea that might be the solution to all your problems -

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untie me and let me go!

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I'm disappointed in you. I'm very disappointed. We trusted you.

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-No, you didn't. You tied me up.

-I expected better.

-Why?

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I never promised not to escape.

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Well, you can forget about all these lovely superfoods we got you.

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-Just normal foods for you, young man.

-Please, just let me go!

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-I want to see my family.

-No, we are going to save your life.

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You're not saving my life, you're killing me.

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And not just my present, my future as well.

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Cos you know I said that Kira and I were trying for another kid?

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-Well, chemo kills sperm!

-Oh! You think chemo kills everything!

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-You're such a wet blanket! Shall we take the berries away?

-No.

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Yeah, I think we should take the berries away.

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Don't take the berries away!

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Guess what? Charlie's actually right, for once.

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One of the side-effects of chemo is that it can kill your sperm.

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You need to see this.

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Charlie hasn't been seen

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since he left his Bristol address at 3.15pm on Saturday,

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-5th of November...

-Nothing about you driving off with him. That's good.

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I'm now going to hand you over to Charlie's wife, Kira,

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who has a statement that she would like to read.

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Charlie, Megan, Phoebe and I miss you so much.

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Why am I watching this? We knew this was going to happen.

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This is not a shocking turn of events.

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And if you want some time to yourself, that's OK,

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but please just let us know that you're all right.

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I get the idea.

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It gets worse. Some hack got a hold of Charlie's medical records.

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-That's not worse. That's great.

-Why the hell is that great?

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Because the police aren't going to hunt high

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and low for a suicide, are they?

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-Once the panic dies down, we should be in the clear.

-Great! Suicide dad.

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Everybody's favourite kind of dad. It's an exciting mystery!

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Is Daddy hanging from a tree somewhere?

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Or is he at the bottom of a quarry in a crushed-up Mazda?

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Look, all we have to do is hold our nerve.

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No-one knows where Charlie is and no-one knows where we are, so relax.

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Fine, I'll relax. A nice relaxing kidnapping!

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We're going to prison and Charlie and Kira are going to hate us forever.

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Not when we bring him back in three months' time

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with a boxfresh lymphatic system!

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They'll probably give us a medal.

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Look, the most important thing is that we keep our cover intact.

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I know. I've been putting a few granite blocks in our castle walls.

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Fake geo-tagged myself.

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"Travelling the world, writing my book. So long, suckers!"

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-Outer Hebrides - nice!

-It's my last post for a while.

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I'm going to keep my head down, but you need to go public -

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see the police, talk to Kira.

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It'll be too suspicious if we both disappear.

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-OK, fine, I'll go and see her.

-No, don't go and see her!

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That's the last thing you should do! Just call her. It'll be much easier

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to act shocked and upset over the phone.

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So I've got to be shocked and upset,

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but not so shocked and upset that I'd actually bother to visit?

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-Exactly. And be careful about Nadia.

-What about Nadia?

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Just the fact that she's obviously a massive bag of screaming trouble,

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-and you're bonking her.

-We've bonked twice.

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Well, it was more than twice, actually, but only on two actual occasions.

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I'm pleased you're thinking about somebody other than Steph,

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but don't kid yourself - to Nadia, you're just the easiest

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available man meat because she forgot to pack her vibrator.

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HE GRUNTS

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-I've stopped throwing up.

-Hm, so the Ondansetron did the trick.

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Yay, medicine!

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I feel terrible, exhausted, like I don't want to move, ever.

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Of course you do, you're having chemo, idiot!

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You can't make a cancer cure omelette without breaking

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-a few Charlie eggs.

-Oh, that's reassuring. Thanks, Doc.

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All right, look. I'm not going to bullshit you.

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What we're doing to your body - it's brutal.

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We're frying the fuck out of you.

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The cancer's in your lymphatic system, so pretty much

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all of you is cancerous, so we've got to bleach it out.

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We basically kill you every two weeks

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-and then hope that your body fights back.

-That sounds fun and relaxing.

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Word to the wise - the best anti-nausea cure,

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good old-fashioned Mary Jane.

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No, haven't taken a drink or a drug in ten years.

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-I'm not about to start now.

-Fine, do it the hard way.

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Can I at least go outside?

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SHE CHUCKLES

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You could chain me to a stake like a pit bull.

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Forget about going outside.

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Your UV tolerance is shot to shit.

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Just think of yourself as Count Dracula

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-chilling in your castle basement.

-Then I want an organic diet.

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I want no meat, no dairy.

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It's going to be boring enough being trapped down here for months.

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You really want to make it that much worse?

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Look, I've done this before, you haven't.

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So my professional advice is to eat what you want

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and drink what you want and take as many drugs as you want, let your

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body get very slowly better so we can all get the fuck out of here.

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I want to help my body heal itself. I want to take a holistic approach.

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God! You're not on a "cancer journey", are you?

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We're all on a journey, just some of us are going forward and some of us are going in reverse.

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DOOR SHUTS

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So you were away when Charlie went missing?

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Yeah, I'd just got divorced, thought I'd take some time for myself -

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road trip, camping.

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Fucking love the outdoors.

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So the last time you saw Charlie was in this cafe with Tess Dyson?

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-Mm, that's right.

-Did he seem agitated, depressed?

-Not really.

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Charlie's all about the power of positive thinking.

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So no signs of suicidal feelings at all?

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-Maybe once. In his eyes, I saw something.

-What do you mean?

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It was quite a long time ago, but we were walking over this bridge

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and he looked over, and I think he was thinking about it.

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You know, jumping. You get to know a person after 20 years. I mean...

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it was just a look.

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And I wouldn't say any of this to Kira, but if we do find out

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he's killed himself - God forbid - I wouldn't be completely shocked.

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-Which bridge?

-What?

-Which bridge were you walking over?

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It was... It was Tower Bridge.

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Tess Dyson resigned from her job

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and disappeared a few days before Charlie went missing.

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-Do you know where she is?

-No. No idea.

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Do you think that Charlie and Tess might have been having an affair?

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Um... Not as far as I know.

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-This is funny to you?

-No. Oh, no, no, no.

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Um... Sorry. It's just...Charlie and Tess...

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HE LAUGHS

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..is a bit funny. But not really. Sorry.

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-Eat up your peas, Phoebe.

-I want to save them for Daddy.

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Why don't you make a small plate of peas and we can keep them

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in the fridge until Daddy gets back, which I'm sure will be very soon?

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PHONE RINGS

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-Hi, Joel.

-I just heard. I'm so sorry.

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-You must be going out of your mind.

-Yeah, it's been hard, really hard.

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-It's just so... He was getting better, you know?

-Er, yeah.

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So why would he just run off?

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I have no idea, but I'm absolutely sure that there is an explanation

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that will make everything all right.

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-Joel, why are you parked outside?

-Oh...

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-Well, I didn't want to bother you.

-Come inside, you maniac!

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Yeah, I'd love to. I mean, I really...

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I've double-checked.

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Charlie's right - we need to take a sperm sample to freeze now

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before the chemo does any lasting damage.

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-Do you see what you're doing to me?

-It's a side-effect.

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The chemo doesn't mean to do it.

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He's right - it's worth taking out a white and sticky insurance policy.

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If you need porn, just shout. That's what mates are for.

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I'm not fucking doing it!

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At the end of the day, it's up to him.

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Why is one thing up to him and not another?

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What are we supposed to do? Take a sperm sample by force?

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That's an option.

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-SNORTS:

-Rather you than me.

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OK. Fine.

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Fuck it, no NHS rules and regs, no litigation.

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This is an essential and appropriate medical procedure

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-and I'm actioning it.

-Sorry. What are you saying?

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I'm saying if he doesn't want to give,

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then we take.

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Are you going to...rape him?

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It's not rape, it's sexual assault.

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And it's for a good cause.

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Are you sure you're not doing this just for fun?

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OK, that's really low.

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I don't need to jerk off cancer patients to get my kicks. Jesus.

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DOOR OPENS

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DOOR CLOSES

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Ow! OW!

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What are you doing? CUFFS CLICK

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HE GRUNTS

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What are you doing? What are you doing?

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-Everything's going to be fine.

-What's going on?

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-What's going on?

-I'm here to preserve your DNA for posterity.

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-No!

-By any means necessary.

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You're quoting Malcolm X?

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You're trying to equate this with the Black Liberation struggle?

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I am liberating your genetic code.

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You can't take my sperm against my will.

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-Are you sure about that?

-Oh, yeah.

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Yeah, actually, I'm very sure.

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You really think that your willpower can overcome my arm power?

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I don't just think it. I know it.

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I admire you for trying, but you've got no chance.

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I've done two tantric sex courses,

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so I have complete mastery over my inner winds.

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HE GRUNTS

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The gloves are off, my friend.

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Urgghh.

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I call that move "Le Twirl".

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This really isn't OK.

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Non-consensual sex is definitely not OK.

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Not on paper.

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But... We should stop them. We should go in there.

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Thanks, but Charlie's erect cock is not an image

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-I want burned on my brain for ever.

-I'm going in there.

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What? You're going in there to murder his third child?

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That's nice of you.

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I'm going in there to stop a sexual assault!

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I guess there's a tiny chance his offspring will turn out

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to be Hitler, and you'll be a hero.

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But there's a much bigger chance they'll be just absolutely lovely.

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HE GRUNTS

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It's...not...going...to...happen.

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Charlie Junior seems to have other ideas.

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No. No.

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You haven't won. Cos I'm not enjoying it!

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The body never lies and I diagnose you with a massive hard-on.

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-Oh, God. Oh, God.

-And the great news is, it's a freebie.

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You can tell your wife, "I had no choice.

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"They tied me down, they jerked me off against my will."

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So you're covered.

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-Lie back, just go with the flow.

-Errrrgggh.

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Oh, wait. We are about to have lift-off.

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-Houston, we do not have a problem.

-No, I withdraw consent!

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I withdraw consent! This is a non-consensual ejaculation!

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Well done, mate.

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I think, by the sound of it you just missed your moment.

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Ding dong.

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MUSIC: Ill Behaviour by Danny Byrd

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# Back once again with the ill behaviour

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# Can you feel it? Feel it?

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# Nothing can save me

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# Back once again with the ill behaviour

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# With the ill behaviour

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# With the ill behaviour

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# With the ill behaviour

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# Ill, ill, ill

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# Back once again with the ill behaviour

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# Back once again, back once again

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# Back, back, back

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# Back once again with the ill behaviour

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# Can you feel it? Feel it?

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# Nothing to save me

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# Back once again with the ill behaviour

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# Can you feel it? Feel it? #

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So the book's actually going really well.

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Uh-huh?

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Wrote a great scene this morning, if I say so myself.

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One of the synthezoids discovers for the first time she's not human.

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It was so moving, I actually cried a little bit.

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-I could read you some later...

-Is this the sexy robot book?

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Synthetic humanoids.

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And there is a love story, but it's not sexy per se, it's more...

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Is that difficult to write?

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Well, there are a lot of philosophical issues to

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address about what it means to be human, while at the same time...

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No, I mean, is it difficult to write

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when you're crying and masturbating?

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HE LAUGHS

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Sorry.

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Oh, sorry!

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So how did you end up in this cellar, exactly?

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I can't imagine it was part of your career plan.

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Oh, I don't have plans, I just do what I feel like.

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-I'm a girl that just wants to have fun.

-Yeah?

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How's that "fun" working out for you?

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-Great, thank you.

-You don't find that all the

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booze, the drugs and the casual sex just gets a bit boring after a while?

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No. Never. It's all great.

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I bet all your friends are all married with kids,

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but you don't give a shit because

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-you're having it large, 24/7?

-Exactly.

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Because what you really love is waking up alone day after day,

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year after year.

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It's surprisingly rare for me to wake up alone.

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Oh, no, sure, sure, there's a human body next to you.

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-Sometimes more than one, am I right?

-Mm...

-Yeah.

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Except the more people you sleep with, the more lonely you feel.

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-Which is ironic, isn't it?

-Who are you, Shithead Sherlock?

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No, I'm just a recovering alcoholic.

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I can smell the disease a mile off.

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I used to get pissed and high every single day. It's kind of who I was.

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You know?

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-I was fun Charlie.

-Sounds fun.

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Mm. That was ten years ago.

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I fought a battle against my own compulsions - and I won.

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SHE SIGHS

0:20:020:20:04

And my message from the battlefield is, so can you.

0:20:040:20:06

What makes you think I would want to?

0:20:060:20:09

Every single thing about you?

0:20:090:20:10

OK, I see what you're trying to do here. OK?

0:20:100:20:13

Turning the tables on me and winkling away at me

0:20:130:20:15

until you can find my weak spot.

0:20:150:20:17

Well, you can take your little winkle-picker

0:20:170:20:19

and you can shove it up your ass.

0:20:190:20:21

NEWS REPORTER: And today,

0:20:230:20:25

the community has came out in force...

0:20:250:20:27

..After Charlie's disappearance.

0:20:270:20:31

It's probably a waste of time, but it's the last place

0:20:330:20:35

he was spotted, so you never know...

0:20:350:20:37

Well, you may be going through hell,

0:20:370:20:39

but you're not going through it alone, OK?

0:20:390:20:43

Thanks, Joel.

0:20:430:20:45

-They've started.

-Hmm?

-The line.

0:20:450:20:49

DOG BARKS

0:20:490:20:51

Oh. Yep.

0:20:510:20:53

Joel? Joel Jordan?

0:21:030:21:06

Yeah?

0:21:060:21:07

Andrew Bennett.

0:21:100:21:11

I was at St Brendan's, with you and Charlie?

0:21:130:21:16

Oh, yeah. Andrew. Great. Great to see you. How are things?

0:21:160:21:21

-Well, not so good. Considering.

-Hmm?

0:21:230:21:26

Oh, Charlie?

0:21:280:21:30

Yeah. God, it's terrible, isn't it? It's fucking terrible!

0:21:300:21:32

What the hell could have happened to him?

0:21:320:21:35

It's like a... It's like a really weird mystery.

0:21:350:21:37

Yeah, I live in the Midlands now,

0:21:370:21:39

but as soon as I heard, I thought, yep, get back and help.

0:21:390:21:42

I didn't know you and Charlie were that close?

0:21:420:21:44

Well, we haven't spoken in a while, but, yeah, we used to be.

0:21:440:21:48

Right. No. Yeah. Well, it's good that you've got the time...

0:21:480:21:51

-to come down.

-I don't have the time. I actually made the time.

0:21:510:21:55

Right, yeah. It's great.

0:21:550:21:56

-Guess we'll find out the truth soon enough, won't we?

-Truth?

0:21:580:22:01

What do you mean, "The truth"?

0:22:010:22:03

You think there's some sort of cover-up?

0:22:030:22:06

Er, the truth about where Charlie is, because nobody knows.

0:22:060:22:10

I'm sure we'll find something. I've got a good feeling about it.

0:22:100:22:13

Yeah.

0:22:130:22:14

SIGHING: Although if we do find something,

0:22:140:22:17

it will almost definitely be incredibly grim and horrible.

0:22:170:22:20

Maybe - or maybe not.

0:22:200:22:23

Maybe Charlie's curled up under a sycamore tree,

0:22:230:22:25

in a potato sack, having a really long sleep.

0:22:250:22:28

If he is, I'll be all like, "Get up, you lazy bastard!"

0:22:280:22:33

-Found anything yet?

-Oh... Nope.

-OK.

0:22:330:22:37

-Well, let me know if you do.

-Well, obviously.

0:22:370:22:40

I'm not going to keep it a secret, am I?!

0:22:400:22:42

Why the hell would I do that?!

0:22:420:22:44

Give me that.

0:22:490:22:50

17.

0:22:560:22:58

-"Does an irresistible impulse arise when sex is offered?"

-Yeah.

0:22:580:23:03

Well, you don't want to look a gift cock in the Jap's-eye.

0:23:030:23:06

18. "Do you ever feel guilt, remorse or depression after sex?"

0:23:060:23:10

-If it's gone well.

-19.

0:23:100:23:11

"Do you want to get away from the sex partner as soon as possible

0:23:110:23:15

"after the act?"

0:23:150:23:16

OK.

0:23:160:23:18

If you'd fucked the lowlifes I've fucked, then you would too.

0:23:180:23:22

20. "Do you care if your sexual partner reaches climax or not?"

0:23:230:23:28

Hm... I wouldn't say that I don't care.

0:23:280:23:31

It's more like a non-essential added bonus.

0:23:310:23:37

Ah! 19 and a half out of 20. Guess I scraped by!

0:23:380:23:42

Yeah, I don't think it works like that.

0:23:420:23:44

19-and-a-half is almost 20.

0:23:440:23:46

-But it's not 20, though, is it?

-Fine.

-Ha!

0:23:460:23:49

Fine, it's not 20.

0:23:490:23:51

I had an AA sponsee who was a sex addict once, it almost destroyed him.

0:23:540:24:02

If anything, it's worse than being an alcoholic,

0:24:020:24:05

cos you're carrying a minibar around in your pants.

0:24:050:24:09

Do you really think that I'm an addict?

0:24:090:24:13

-It's not for me to...

-Just tell me.

0:24:130:24:15

Ah, it depends on how you define addict.

0:24:150:24:19

When you do the same thing over and over and you can't stop,

0:24:190:24:23

and even when you try to stop, you can't.

0:24:230:24:25

Mm...

0:24:270:24:29

OK, so then...

0:24:320:24:33

..how did you stop drinking?

0:24:360:24:38

-I'm asking for a friend.

-Stopping was the easy part.

0:24:380:24:43

I stopped every morning. It was the staying stopped that was tricky.

0:24:430:24:46

I tried everything I could think of,

0:24:460:24:49

but the only thing that worked was to stop trying to do it on my own.

0:24:490:24:53

So I asked for help.

0:24:550:24:57

You only really need three things to get sober, it's like - honesty,

0:24:570:25:02

open-mindedness and willingness.

0:25:020:25:05

Uh-oh.

0:25:070:25:09

-Thar she blows.

-Ha...

0:25:110:25:14

I think it'll suit you. Give you a bit of edge.

0:25:160:25:20

Yeah, clumpy hair.

0:25:210:25:22

-If you want, I could just shave it off for you?

-Yeah?

0:25:240:25:28

Yeah, I mean, it's going to come off anyway...

0:25:280:25:31

-Fuck it.

-OK!

0:25:350:25:37

OK.

0:25:370:25:38

HE COUGHS

0:25:400:25:42

I imagine this wasn't what you had mind

0:26:030:26:05

when you got your medical degree.

0:26:050:26:07

I don't know what I had in mind.

0:26:070:26:09

I just thought I might look hot in a white coat.

0:26:090:26:11

But we don't even wear those white coats any more.

0:26:110:26:14

What, so being a doctor wasn't your lifelong dream?

0:26:140:26:18

I thought it was.

0:26:180:26:19

But it turns out being a doctor is not all walking around with

0:26:210:26:24

a clipboard looking important.

0:26:240:26:28

It's exhausting and endless, all the other doctors are uptight assholes,

0:26:280:26:33

plus, half the people you make better just end up getting sick again.

0:26:330:26:36

Oh, those selfish pricks.

0:26:360:26:38

I know, right, it's like, "What part of, 'Stop smoking

0:26:380:26:41

" 'and eating cakes,' don't you dickheads understand?"

0:26:410:26:45

HE LAUGHS

0:26:450:26:47

That feels pretty good...

0:26:490:26:51

TALK CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND

0:26:530:26:56

Hey.

0:27:070:27:09

-Oh, what you reading?

-Nothing.

0:27:090:27:11

It's just how bored I am.

0:27:120:27:15

-It's so boring here.

-Well, do you fancy a cheeky nightcap?

0:27:150:27:19

No, thank you.

0:27:190:27:21

Night, Joel.

0:27:210:27:22

Yeah.

0:27:250:27:26

Joel.

0:27:270:27:29

Yeah?

0:27:290:27:30

-Shut the door!

-OK.

0:27:300:27:32

CELLIST PLAYS

0:28:020:28:04

So this is what's so important?

0:28:050:28:06

-Going to look at this old bridge?

-Oh, it's important.

0:28:060:28:09

So important you can't tell me anything about it?

0:28:090:28:12

Some things you just have to see for yourself.

0:28:120:28:15

Ta-da!

0:28:150:28:16

I see. You tricked me into having lunch with you. Cool.

0:28:170:28:21

-Let's go back...

-No, wait, wait,

0:28:210:28:23

come on, let's at least eat first,

0:28:230:28:25

you've no idea how expensive all this was...

0:28:250:28:29

Sorry, probably shouldn't have

0:28:290:28:31

kicked off with the money/guilt angle.

0:28:310:28:33

Fine.

0:28:350:28:36

Old bridge, torch, cellist, butler, fruit bowl,

0:28:380:28:44

lunch of my fucking dreams.

0:28:440:28:46

Thanks.

0:28:490:28:50

Oh, no, thanks.

0:28:520:28:54

Oh, no, I've made sure the champagne's alcohol-free because

0:28:540:28:57

I know you've stopped drinking and I respect and admire that.

0:28:570:29:01

Although, one word of warning, look what happened to...

0:29:010:29:05

Chester when he stopped drinking.

0:29:050:29:07

Not taking drugs is OK, as long as

0:29:070:29:09

they're not life-saving cancer drugs!

0:29:090:29:11

Am I right?

0:29:110:29:13

Anyway, here's to Chester.

0:29:150:29:18

Look, I appreciate the effort, but you shouldn't have bothered.

0:29:180:29:23

Not like,

0:29:230:29:24

-HIGH VOICE:

-"Oh, you really shouldn't have."

0:29:240:29:26

But, like, you really, really shouldn't have.

0:29:260:29:28

I don't want you to take this personally,

0:29:280:29:30

but I have absolutely zero interest in a relationship with you.

0:29:300:29:34

How am I supposed to not take that personally?

0:29:360:29:39

And I'm taking a time-out from sex.

0:29:390:29:42

I should actually apologise to you for screwing you in the first place.

0:29:420:29:45

No, no, no, please don't. I was in a loveless marriage for a decade.

0:29:450:29:49

That was... That was the best sex I've basically ever had.

0:29:490:29:53

What? That hungover fuck?

0:29:530:29:55

We only did it twice in, like, two positions.

0:29:550:29:58

How many positions are really that great anyway?

0:29:580:30:00

Who's going around doing the wheelbarrow?

0:30:000:30:02

-You've never done the wheelbarrow?

-Look.

0:30:020:30:05

What I'm saying, basically, is,

0:30:050:30:08

I love you.

0:30:080:30:10

Oh, my God.

0:30:100:30:11

-No, you don't.

-How do you know?

-Because I just know, OK.

0:30:110:30:15

And because - you really shouldn't.

0:30:150:30:17

One little nostril-full?

0:30:230:30:25

No, I'm out of the game. Retired, undefeated.

0:30:250:30:30

Did Chester tell you to read that book that you've been reading?

0:30:300:30:33

-No.

-You've been spending an awful lot of time "checking on him" -

0:30:330:30:36

I've noticed.

0:30:360:30:38

Yep, because I'm a doctor and he's a patient

0:30:380:30:40

and that's the reason why you're paying me to be here?

0:30:400:30:43

HE SNORTS

0:30:430:30:45

-Are you sure you know what you're doing?

-I'm snorting coke.

0:30:450:30:47

I don't think you need a medical degree for that!

0:30:470:30:50

Just pace yourself.

0:30:500:30:52

So what's Chester been telling you about me?

0:30:520:30:55

You're paranoid.

0:30:550:30:57

Number three on my list of reasons to stop taking coke.

0:30:570:31:00

-MIMICS HER:

-Number three on my list of reasons...

0:31:000:31:02

Oooh, you've been inducted into the Cult of Chester.

0:31:020:31:05

Aren't you worried that your charismatic guru is in

0:31:050:31:08

fact a suicidal idiot?

0:31:080:31:10

-Right. I'm ready to go now.

-No! No - the, the doves?

-The what?

0:31:100:31:14

-SIGHING:

-Release the doves.

0:31:150:31:17

DOVES COO

0:31:180:31:21

"..I wouldn't care if you're a vegetable,

0:31:310:31:33

"a mineral or a plastic drinks carton.

0:31:330:31:36

"We're both matter, and you matter to me.

0:31:360:31:38

"I love you and I don't care what the Galactic Order have to

0:31:380:31:41

"say about it."

0:31:410:31:43

It's stupid.

0:31:430:31:44

-You hate it.

-No, I don't, I don't. I like it!

0:31:440:31:48

You're only listening because you're my prisoner.

0:31:480:31:50

-It's like Misery, if Kathy Bates was also a novelist.

-It's great.

0:31:500:31:53

It's different and it's witty, it's good.

0:31:530:31:57

-So, the female robot...

-Synthezoid.

0:31:580:32:02

Sorry, yep, sorry,

0:32:020:32:04

the female synthezoid who is in love with the male synthezoid,

0:32:040:32:08

but they've never got together...

0:32:080:32:10

That's you and Joel, right?

0:32:120:32:14

No, of course not.

0:32:140:32:16

I can make things up. It's called creative writing.

0:32:180:32:22

You don't have to do all this just to please Joel, you know.

0:32:220:32:26

I'm not.

0:32:260:32:27

Cos you're your own woman with your own mind -

0:32:270:32:30

-and an amazing one at that...

-I know that.

0:32:300:32:32

I'm aware of that.

0:32:320:32:33

Well, then, why don't you do the decent thing and just unchain me

0:32:330:32:36

and let me go home, Tess?

0:32:360:32:38

Because then you'd be dead. That doesn't sound very decent to me.

0:32:380:32:42

I'm not doing this to please Joel.

0:32:430:32:45

I'm doing it because, annoyingly, he happens to be right.

0:32:450:32:49

Do you want to hear the rest of the chapter...?

0:32:530:32:55

-I'll take that as a no.

-It's the drugs.

0:32:570:32:59

HE COUGHS

0:33:010:33:02

Please, please stop injecting me with the drugs?

0:33:020:33:06

-The drugs will save your life.

-I'm feeling worse every day.

0:33:060:33:11

I feel weaker after every treatment.

0:33:110:33:13

I know you want to save me, but you're not.

0:33:150:33:17

You're just making me worse.

0:33:190:33:21

Everyone knows the chemotherapy's horrible, but it works...

0:33:210:33:23

Look at my lump, my lump hasn't even gone down!

0:33:230:33:26

How can it be working if my lump's not gone down?!

0:33:260:33:29

Well, it's not getting any bigger.

0:33:290:33:31

So I suppose it depends

0:33:310:33:33

if you're a lump-half-full or a lump-half-empty kind of person?

0:33:330:33:36

Can you at least get me some natural medicine?

0:33:360:33:39

I'll think about it.

0:33:400:33:42

Thank you.

0:33:420:33:43

I'd better get back to my desk.

0:33:450:33:47

You better had, cos I want to know what happens next.

0:33:470:33:51

I don't believe you're completely lying.

0:33:530:33:55

And it's truly pathetic how encouraging that is.

0:33:550:33:58

Who set that up?

0:34:160:34:17

Andrew Bennett. From sixth form.

0:34:170:34:20

Oh, my God, not that self-important misery hound.

0:34:200:34:24

Where the fuck was Andrew Bennett

0:34:240:34:26

when Charlie was murdering himself with carrot juice?

0:34:260:34:29

And there's a sponsored yoga marathon at

0:34:290:34:31

Charlie's health centre tomorrow.

0:34:310:34:33

To "raise awareness and funds towards a reward for information".

0:34:330:34:37

Oh, Jesus.

0:34:370:34:38

Maybe it's not such a horrible idea?

0:34:420:34:45

I mean, it's good to keep the search for Charlie in the public eye.

0:34:460:34:50

It's dropped down the news agenda lately,

0:34:500:34:52

-and the police operation seems to be winding down...

-Yes.

0:34:520:34:55

And that's very, very good news for us.

0:34:550:34:58

It would be even better if it

0:34:580:34:59

slipped off the news agenda completely

0:34:590:35:01

and the police forgot Charlie ever existed.

0:35:010:35:03

Haven't those hippy arseholes done enough?

0:35:030:35:06

Yeah. Those hippy arseholes.

0:35:060:35:08

Thank you so much for organising all this.

0:35:090:35:12

Charlie was there for me when I needed him.

0:35:120:35:14

And the added bonus is that I get to spend more time with you!

0:35:140:35:18

I know you're not a fan of the natural health stuff...

0:35:180:35:21

I owe you an apology about that.

0:35:210:35:23

I was ignorant and intolerant.

0:35:230:35:26

I think what you and Charlie were doing was amazing.

0:35:260:35:30

-BACKGROUND:

-Lovely, Stephen...

0:35:300:35:31

-I just wish he was here, so you could carry on doing it.

-Me too.

0:35:310:35:35

Feet facing forward.

0:35:350:35:37

You know,

0:35:380:35:39

I've been leaning on Talbot to get the cops to pull their fingers out.

0:35:390:35:42

I'm sure they're doing the best they can.

0:35:420:35:45

Well, you've seen all the stuff in the press.

0:35:450:35:47

About Charlie killing himself.

0:35:470:35:49

-Yeah.

-Well, the cops are afraid to say it to my face,

0:35:490:35:52

but I know they think it's suicide.

0:35:520:35:54

-Right.

-Well... they haven't found a body.

0:35:540:35:56

I mean, who kills themselves and hides their own body?

0:35:560:36:00

Lord Lucan?

0:36:000:36:02

The guy from the Manic Street Preachers?

0:36:030:36:05

-Oh, God, you agree with them...

-Oh, no, no, no, no,

0:36:050:36:08

-I was just...

-Everybody thinks he's killed himself...

0:36:080:36:11

Excuse me, are you Charlie's wife?

0:36:110:36:13

Er, yes... Yes, I am.

0:36:130:36:15

I read about your story and I'm a psychic.

0:36:150:36:17

-Oh, for fuck...

-I don't want to offend anyone,

0:36:170:36:20

I just wanted to let you know I've received

0:36:200:36:23

-a message from Charlie.

-A message?

0:36:230:36:25

-What message?

-Don't listen to her. She's a mental banglist.

0:36:250:36:28

He's on the other side now.

0:36:280:36:30

He wants you to know he's fine, he's where he needs to be.

0:36:300:36:34

All he wants is for you and your girls to move on with your lives.

0:36:340:36:38

Oi, Mystic Meg.

0:36:380:36:39

If you're going to make up some bullshit,

0:36:390:36:41

at least make up some nice bullshit?

0:36:410:36:44

I hope you find some peace.

0:36:440:36:45

She's all right for peace, thank you, we're fine.

0:36:470:36:51

Oh, hey, it's chemo time!

0:37:040:37:09

So...

0:37:310:37:34

I collared the postie.

0:37:340:37:36

Hoxsey Therapy,

0:37:380:37:40

and some herbs thrown in for good measure.

0:37:400:37:42

Thank you, thank you so much.

0:37:430:37:46

If I have any chance of getting better - this is it.

0:37:460:37:51

-Hi.

-Hey!

0:38:290:38:31

So...

0:38:330:38:34

-..I finished that book that you recommended.

-And?

0:38:360:38:39

Could have done with a few more jokes, but I think I get the gist.

0:38:390:38:44

Consuming your body weight in drugs and booze is not a very good idea.

0:38:440:38:49

By the way, don't stop smoking that roach on my account.

0:38:520:38:55

That...? Why would you think that I would do that?

0:38:550:38:58

Just the fact it was in your mouth 15 seconds ago.

0:38:590:39:02

Look, I'm not your higher power...

0:39:030:39:06

Did you ever see me building you a shrine?

0:39:060:39:08

If you want to stop, then stop.

0:39:080:39:10

But do it for yourself.

0:39:110:39:13

-Don't do it for me. Don't do it for anyone else.

-Yes, I know that.

0:39:130:39:16

You really don't have to tell me that.

0:39:160:39:17

CHILDREN SCREECH AND BELL RINGS

0:39:270:39:29

Just a sec!

0:39:290:39:31

Joel! Great to see you...

0:39:360:39:39

CLANGING

0:39:390:39:40

Sorry - is it a bad time?

0:39:400:39:42

No, I'm just doing lunch...

0:39:420:39:44

That was your fault.

0:39:450:39:47

It wasn't my fault! It was the ball's fault!

0:39:480:39:52

Right, what this situation calls for is a boat-full

0:39:520:39:56

of Uncle Joel's speciality - vegetarian gravy.

0:39:560:39:59

Thanks, Joel.

0:39:590:40:01

TV BLARES

0:40:050:40:07

Normally I wouldn't

0:40:080:40:09

let them have TV time during the day but they've been acting up lately.

0:40:090:40:14

If you come back next week, I'll be microwaving pizza and chain-smoking.

0:40:140:40:20

Anyway, enough about me, how's everything with you?

0:40:220:40:25

How's the internet dating? Met anyone nice? Or at least, not mental?

0:40:250:40:31

Uh, kind of. Yeah, she is a bit mental, though.

0:40:310:40:35

But - sexy mental.

0:40:350:40:37

The main problem with Nadia is that she doesn't like spending time

0:40:370:40:43

-with me or having sex with me.

-That can be a sign.

0:40:430:40:46

THEY CHUCKLE

0:40:460:40:49

Oh, God, I'm sorry...

0:40:530:40:55

-I can go...?

-No, don't.

0:40:550:40:58

Erm, I feel guilty that I should be having a nice time...

0:40:580:41:02

I know Charlie's not here. Charlie's not safe.

0:41:020:41:07

Right, don't beat yourself up.

0:41:070:41:09

He'd want you to have a nice time, wherever he is.

0:41:090:41:13

For the first time, I feel like I'm giving up hope.

0:41:130:41:16

Right, you can't give up hope, OK? Never, never give up hope.

0:41:160:41:21

It's been two months, Joel. He wouldn't kill himself.

0:41:210:41:24

OK, the Charlie I know - he just wouldn't.

0:41:240:41:27

But what other explanation could there be?

0:41:270:41:30

Megan is so smart and I've been trying to reassure her, but she just,

0:41:300:41:35

she knows something's really, really wrong...

0:41:350:41:39

SHE SOBS

0:41:390:41:41

Charlie's not dead.

0:41:440:41:46

-Well, then where the fuck is he?!

-He's in Scotland.

0:41:460:41:49

What?

0:41:500:41:52

He's in the Outer Hebrides.

0:41:520:41:54

Why the fuck would he go there without telling me?

0:41:540:41:56

Well, he sent me a Snapchat.

0:41:560:41:57

That's actually why I came over, to tell you...

0:41:570:42:00

Why the fuck didn't you tell me that an hour ago?!

0:42:000:42:02

-You were in the middle of lunch, I...

-Lunch?!

0:42:020:42:04

Look, I just wanted to find the right moment because...

0:42:040:42:07

because it's not all good news.

0:42:070:42:10

-What do you mean? Is he hurt?

-Not exactly.

0:42:100:42:12

He gave me strict instructions not to tell you.

0:42:140:42:17

But the truth is...

0:42:170:42:19

..he's gone off with Tess.

0:42:210:42:23

Tess?

0:42:240:42:26

According to Charlie, they're in love.

0:42:260:42:28

Show me the message.

0:42:310:42:32

I can't.

0:42:340:42:36

Snapchat deletes your message, like, ten seconds after you send it.

0:42:360:42:39

But Charlie is alive! That's the headline. That's good news, right?

0:42:390:42:44

-It's the best news!

-Charlie and Tess...?

-I know.

0:42:440:42:47

I know. I couldn't believe it either.

0:42:470:42:50

It's kind of incredible. But there you go.

0:42:500:42:53

Shit happens.

0:42:530:42:54

-Have you told the police?

-The police. Of course.

0:42:560:43:00

The police. Er... no, I have not told the police.

0:43:000:43:04

-But of course, I'm going to tell to the police!

-Mum?

0:43:040:43:06

-What's going on? Why are you shouting?

-Erm, it's OK.

0:43:060:43:10

Joel's heard from Daddy. He's OK. He's just... He's gone on a long trip.

0:43:100:43:16

-When's he coming back?

-I don't know, I wish I did!

0:43:160:43:20

But if I had to guess, I'd say, four weeks? There or thereabouts?

0:43:220:43:28

He said that?

0:43:280:43:30

Er, no. No. It's just a hunch.

0:43:300:43:32

TV PLAYS

0:43:350:43:38

For the record, I am almost a month sober.

0:43:400:43:45

-And it wasn't even that hard.

-So...

0:43:450:43:47

..I wasn't that hard?

0:43:480:43:49

-OK, it was pretty hard.

-I'm proud of you.

0:43:520:43:55

-Fuck you!

-No, I am! I'm serious.

0:43:550:43:57

You're doing way better than I was in my first month.

0:43:570:44:01

-You're doing the hard work.

-The hard work of not putting

0:44:010:44:05

the bottle to my lips, and the

0:44:050:44:08

powder up my nose, and the cock up my pussy?

0:44:080:44:11

Ohhh...yeah...

0:44:110:44:12

-Yeah.

-Because sometimes not

0:44:120:44:15

doing something, like that, is the hardest thing in the world.

0:44:150:44:19

You know, I remember when I was first trying to get clean

0:44:220:44:25

and I was in a bar and ordered my favourite drink -

0:44:250:44:28

Martini.

0:44:280:44:30

But I had this flash that if I was going to take that first sip...

0:44:320:44:36

I would lose the next 12 hours of my life...

0:44:360:44:39

..and wake up in a gutter somewhere.

0:44:400:44:42

And I stared at that fucking Martini...for, like, an hour.

0:44:450:44:51

But I never picked it up.

0:44:540:44:56

I actually woke up in a gutter once.

0:44:570:45:00

-Yeah?

-Yeah. Yeah.

0:45:000:45:02

The worst part was it was right outside my flat.

0:45:020:45:05

It was very hard to get the neighbours to take me

0:45:050:45:07

seriously at the next freeholders' meeting.

0:45:070:45:11

HE CHUCKLES

0:45:110:45:12

It's very nice to have someone to talk to about...all this stuff.

0:45:140:45:19

Same. You're my one bright light in this pitch-black cave.

0:45:190:45:23

Oh, you mean, out of all your kidnappers, I'm your favourite?

0:45:230:45:27

I think I might have just a teeny bit of Stockholm Syndrome.

0:45:290:45:32

You're not tied down this time, so you don't have any excuse.

0:45:460:45:50

Well, I won't tell if you don't.

0:45:520:45:54

Sea bass, greens and rice, all the food groups!

0:45:580:46:01

Thanks.

0:46:020:46:04

He definitely mentioned the Outer Hebrides.

0:46:190:46:21

And Tess. That's all I can remember, really.

0:46:210:46:24

Why did you clear your phone history after receiving this

0:46:260:46:30

incredibly important message?

0:46:300:46:33

I think I was just so shocked...

0:46:330:46:37

You know, I panicked. It was a panic clear.

0:46:370:46:40

I don't know what the fuck's going on, to be honest with you.

0:46:400:46:43

It was hard enough finding out that one of your oldest friends has

0:46:430:46:46

got cancer, then he disappears and then I find out he's

0:46:460:46:51

gone off with my other oldest friends.

0:46:510:46:54

It's just...

0:46:540:46:55

a little bit too much,

0:46:550:46:58

to be honest with you.

0:46:580:47:00

You see, normally forensics would be

0:47:030:47:05

-able to find a digital trace of your Snapchat message...

-Would they?

0:47:050:47:11

God, they don't advertise that, do they?

0:47:120:47:15

The sneaky Snapchat bastards.

0:47:150:47:17

-But we can't find anything on yours.

-That's weird.

0:47:170:47:21

Yeah.

0:47:210:47:23

KNOCKING

0:47:290:47:31

Hey, I'm in the middle of a chapter...

0:47:310:47:34

Um, there's something I need to talk to you about.

0:47:340:47:36

-What?

-Right. Um, well,

0:47:360:47:39

basically, you know how you said that I shouldn't go and see Kira?

0:47:390:47:42

-Yes.

-Well, I kind of went to see Kira.

-What?! When?

0:47:420:47:47

Today. And last week. And a couple of days before that.

0:47:470:47:50

-How many times?

-Maybe six. Eight? 12, max.

-Jesus Christ.

0:47:500:47:56

I thought we were a team, I thought ...

0:47:560:47:58

Sorry to interrupt, but you might want to press

0:47:580:48:01

pause on your freak-out because it kind of gets a bit worse.

0:48:010:48:06

You know how I said that I wanted to tell Kira that Charlie's OK?

0:48:060:48:10

-Yes?

-Today, I told Kira that Charlie's OK.

0:48:100:48:14

-Did you tell her he's here?!

-No! No. Of course not!

0:48:140:48:17

I'm not that stupid. I told her he ran off to Scotland with you.

0:48:170:48:21

-And then I kind of told the police.

-Oh, my God.

0:48:210:48:24

Anyway, I'm sure it'll all come out in the wash.

0:48:240:48:27

Did you tell Kira that Charlie and I are...a couple?

0:48:270:48:30

Well, yeah, I mean, why else would you run off together?

0:48:300:48:32

Oh, my God!

0:48:320:48:35

Look, I know it looks bad and I

0:48:350:48:36

didn't plan on doing it, but Kira, she was

0:48:360:48:39

so upset, especially because all the attention's winding down.

0:48:390:48:44

My yoga marathon did not have the awareness-raising effect

0:48:440:48:47

-that we were hoping for.

-YOUR yoga marathon?

0:48:470:48:50

Well, Harry organised all the yoga, I was on the admin side.

0:48:500:48:54

I'm so sorry you failed to raise awareness.

0:48:540:48:56

-That must be so disappointing for you.

-Look, I fucked up.

0:48:560:48:59

OK? I shouldn't have said what I said.

0:48:590:49:02

But you don't understand how hard it was seeing her like that -

0:49:020:49:04

-she was so upset...

-I understand completely!

0:49:040:49:06

That's why I told you not to go and fucking see her in the first place!

0:49:060:49:09

I know why you did this. You're still in love with her.

0:49:090:49:12

In love with Kira?

0:49:120:49:14

I'm not in love with her, I've never been in love with her!

0:49:140:49:16

This is me you're talking to, I remember what you were, like, in sixth form...

0:49:160:49:20

-I only went out with her for two weeks!

-Yeah. And when she dumped you for Charlie, you didn't shut

0:49:200:49:24

-up about it for a year!

-20 years ago!

-So what?

0:49:240:49:27

If you had any more of a torch for her,

0:49:270:49:29

you'd be marching up to Frankenstein's castle.

0:49:290:49:31

-SIGHS:

-How did she react? When you told her?

0:49:310:49:34

Well, she was relieved, obviously.

0:49:340:49:37

-But pretty confused.

-And angry with me?

-Oh, yeah.

0:49:370:49:40

-Big time.

-Great. Thanks for that.

0:49:400:49:42

Well, at least she's... differently upset.

0:49:420:49:45

A change is as good as a rest.

0:49:450:49:48

Look, I'm sorry, OK? I shouldn't have said what I said,

0:49:480:49:52

but it seemed like a good idea at the time!

0:49:520:49:55

It ticked a lot of boxes!

0:49:550:49:57

One of the boxes being, "Tess, the marriage-wrecking cancer slut"?

0:49:570:50:00

-How you feeling?

-Er...

0:50:150:50:16

..no shittier than usual.

0:50:190:50:21

You know, I have this special medicine that could help relieve

0:50:210:50:24

some of the side-effects, if you feel like trying it.

0:50:240:50:27

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

0:50:300:50:31

It's kind of like an alternative thing,

0:50:320:50:35

so it might be right up your street.

0:50:350:50:37

Are you sure this is good for your sex addiction sobriety?

0:50:500:50:53

It's not sex addiction if it's with someone you love.

0:50:530:50:55

Sorry.

0:50:590:51:01

-I don't know why I just said...

-I think I love you too.

0:51:010:51:04

How about you use your incredible computer skills to fire off some

0:51:140:51:18

e-mails from Charlie?

0:51:180:51:20

"I'm with Tess, can't tell you where, soz."

0:51:200:51:23

The police won't investigate cos there's nothing to investigate!

0:51:230:51:26

You can't arrest someone for going on holiday!

0:51:260:51:29

All you need to do is leave a trail of fake digital

0:51:290:51:32

breadcrumbs to keep them off our scent!

0:51:320:51:35

Do you have any idea how long making these

0:51:350:51:37

digital breadcrumbs is going to take?

0:51:370:51:39

-No.

-At a guess, I'd say fucking ages.

0:51:390:51:42

I'm two-thirds of the way through my novel,

0:51:420:51:44

the last thing I need is to take a week off to go on bloody holiday.

0:51:440:51:47

I came here to save Charlie and write my book,

0:51:470:51:51

not to be your IT slave!

0:51:510:51:52

That's the hellish fate I escaped from!

0:51:520:51:55

So, you're not going to do it?

0:52:000:52:02

Of course I'm going to fucking do it!

0:52:020:52:04

Because that's my job, isn't it?

0:52:040:52:05

To clear up whatever stinky pile of shite pours

0:52:050:52:08

out of the hole between your nose and your chin!

0:52:080:52:11

You can have that.

0:52:110:52:13

That's a free hit, I'm not coming back on that.

0:52:130:52:16

Oh, one last thing...

0:52:220:52:23

It would be great if you could make these e-mails

0:52:230:52:26

convincing to the cops, but not too hurtful for Kira.

0:52:260:52:29

OK?

0:52:290:52:31

I mean, if Charlie's having too good a time,

0:52:340:52:36

it's going to be too depressing for her, but he can't have too bad

0:52:360:52:40

a time either, because then she'll be worried.

0:52:400:52:42

Please shut up and leave my room.

0:52:420:52:44

I just need you to go, OK?

0:52:440:52:46

Like, maybe don't go on about how much you love Tess.

0:52:490:52:53

Maybe you should even say that you've dumped Tess.

0:52:530:52:57

"It wasn't working out, she was just too boring." You know,

0:52:570:53:00

something like that?

0:53:000:53:01

You want me to break up with myself?

0:53:010:53:03

It's just an idea.

0:53:030:53:05

We could just leave, just you and me, alone together...

0:53:070:53:11

What about your treatment?

0:53:110:53:13

You've still got two more doses to go.

0:53:130:53:15

We could just do that on the outside.

0:53:150:53:17

I would have 10,000 treatments if you were inserting the cannula.

0:53:170:53:21

-Oh, sexy cancer talk. I like it.

-Come on. Come on.

0:53:210:53:25

Let's just go.

0:53:250:53:26

Hey...

0:53:320:53:35

I wanted to say sorry...for everything.

0:53:350:53:38

Just be honest with me, are you in love with Charlie?

0:53:420:53:46

I know a lot of girls go for that heroin-chic look.

0:53:460:53:50

Nadia?

0:53:540:53:56

Nadia?!

0:54:020:54:03

NADIA!

0:54:030:54:05

Motherfucker.

0:54:160:54:17

Tess! Tess!

0:54:170:54:19

-TESS!

-What?

0:54:230:54:25

He's fucked off, she's fucked off, everyone's fucked off.

0:54:250:54:28

-Fuck!

-FUCK!

0:54:280:54:30

ENGINE ROARS

0:54:300:54:31

-Outlaws!

-Yeah!

0:54:310:54:33

Struck off Bonnie and Chemo Clyde!

0:54:330:54:35

Come on, floor it. We've got to find them!

0:54:370:54:39

I know we've got to find them, I'm aware that we've got to find them!

0:54:390:54:42

-Well, then, floor it!

-I'm not going to floor it.

0:54:420:54:44

If I floor it, we'll hit a tree and die!

0:54:440:54:47

What the fuck are you doing with a crossbow??

0:54:470:54:50

Security. Deliverance-style.

0:54:500:54:52

OK, I know a place we can hide out.

0:54:540:54:56

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

0:54:560:54:57

If you go to the end of this road, turn left,

0:54:570:54:59

-then head south to the A38...

-The A38?

-Yeah.

0:54:590:55:03

Isn't that on the way to your house?

0:55:030:55:06

It's on the way to loads of houses.

0:55:060:55:09

I don't want to go to my house, I want to go...

0:55:100:55:13

I want to go to a mate's house.

0:55:130:55:15

-A safe house.

-A safe house?

0:55:160:55:18

-Yes.

-Like in the movies?

0:55:180:55:21

I can't see them.

0:55:240:55:26

-I can't see anything, I think we've lost them.

-Just keep driving.

0:55:260:55:30

Would you mind putting your crossbow on the back seat?

0:55:300:55:32

Or at least not pointing it at me?

0:55:320:55:34

Trust me, the last thing I want to do is go back to my house.

0:55:340:55:37

Yeah? You want to forget your wife and your kids ever existed?

0:55:380:55:42

Yeah.

0:55:450:55:47

What the hell are you doing?

0:55:540:55:56

I want to have sex with you. Right now.

0:55:560:55:59

I'm not really in the mood.

0:55:590:56:01

-Due to the fact we're driving for our lives?

-I need evidence.

0:56:010:56:04

That you're not using me like some kind of...escape horse to

0:56:040:56:07

ride off into the sunset with your wife.

0:56:070:56:09

Hey! No! Look, we've talked about this. You're a sex addict.

0:56:110:56:15

Sex is not the answer to all your problems.

0:56:150:56:17

-No, but this is a pretty good question.

-Jesus!

0:56:170:56:20

-And the penis is humanity's greatest lie detector.

-Look,

0:56:200:56:24

I'm too sick to have sex.

0:56:240:56:26

Safe house, yeah, right.

0:56:260:56:28

Nice safe house with your safe wife and lovely safe kids.

0:56:280:56:32

Your dick's as soft as peanut butter! I knew it, you're faking!

0:56:320:56:35

No!

0:56:350:56:37

-There they are. Come on, floor it!

-OK, fine, I'll floor it!

0:56:370:56:40

Please, we have to get...

0:56:400:56:41

-Shit!

-I see you!

-Oh, shit.

0:56:410:56:43

Oh, shit, shit. Go, go.

0:56:430:56:46

Shit.

0:56:480:56:52

-Hey! Come back here!

-Get him.

0:56:520:56:54

I knew he'd seduced you away from me! I fucking knew it!

0:56:590:57:02

He did not seduce me away from you.

0:57:020:57:04

What part of, "I don't want to be in a relationship with you,"

0:57:040:57:07

do you not understand?

0:57:070:57:08

You did want to be in a relationship with me,

0:57:080:57:10

-before you met Charlie.

-What?

0:57:100:57:12

-We were having an amazing time.

-We were not having an amazing time.

0:57:120:57:17

BOTH STRAIN

0:57:170:57:19

Joel!

0:57:190:57:21

JOEL!

0:57:220:57:24

Right, this is going to end one of two ways -

0:57:240:57:27

you dead from a crossbow bolt,

0:57:270:57:30

or you alive thanks to the miracle of modern medicine!

0:57:300:57:33

-Stop shooting at me, you maniac!

-That was a warning shot!

0:57:380:57:41

You knew how I felt about her, but that didn't stop you, did it?

0:57:430:57:47

You saw a way out and you went for it.

0:57:470:57:50

You didn't care about her feelings,

0:57:500:57:52

you didn't care about my feelings, you think you're such a holy,

0:57:520:57:56

enlightened person, but you're a bigger shit than any of us.

0:57:560:57:59

HE GROANS

0:58:010:58:04

Oh, my God.

0:58:090:58:11

That was meant to be another a warning shot!

0:58:120:58:15

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