The Birthday Treat In With the Flynns


The Birthday Treat

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# For anyone who loves

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# For anyone who feels

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# I'm never giving up

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# Until the dream is real

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# Until the dream is real

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# Until the dream is real #

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Happy birthday!

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Oh! I thought you'd forgotten!

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-As if!

-Well, Chloe did, but we didn't.

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-We got you a card and a cake.

-Thanks, love!

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We had some helium balloons as well, but Mikey inhaled them all.

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-Oh, "the best mum in the world"!

-You ARE the best mum in the world.

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Not the best parent in the world, obviously, but...

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-I beg your pardon!

-Just saying, that'd be me.

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You? The man who lets them play ball games in the house?

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Go, go, go, go, go! GLASS BREAKS

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MIKEY LAUGHS

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Listen - if your mum asks, it was your uncle Tommy.

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It's better than leaving them unattended with a box of fireworks.

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-SMOKE ALARM BEEPS

-Right - the good news is,

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-the smoke alarm works.

-Oh!

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God!

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So, what have you got planned for my birthday night?

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-I'll go get a bucket of chicken. Tommy's coming round.

-Oh!

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-Why?

-No! Sounds nice.

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Oh! No, I forgot something. I'm going to get chicken for the kids,

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Tommy's coming round to babysit,

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whilst I whisk you off into town for an evening of Mamma Mia

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-at the Palace Theatre.

-Oh, Liam!

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Go and get yourself tarted up. I'll sort the kids out.

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-Oh, I will!

-See? Now who's the best parent in the world?

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Oh, it's still me.

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SHE SIGHS Whoo! Look at you!

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-You look amazing.

-Why aren't you ready?

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-It starts in a half hour.

-I have to make this quick phone call.

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Hello? Hi. Is that... Is that Mrs Barton?

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Could I speak to Wayne, please?

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I'm just a friend of his from school.

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Yeah. It'd be really cool, really cool to talk to him.

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Yeah.

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My name... My name's Andrew.

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Yeah. Andrew, er...

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Andrew Lloyd Webber.

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Sorry. It's the wrong number. Sorry. Bye!

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What was that?

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-Oh, nothing, love. Just...

-Pretending to be Andrew Lloyd Webber.

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-Yeah.

-Casting a musical, are you?

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No. I just messed something up for Chloe, right?

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It was... Ssh!

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-Hey, Chloe. You all right, love?

-Do I look all right?

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-No, you don't.

-Well, then!

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-Liam, what've you done?

-You really want to know?

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Er... No! I really want to go on my birthday night out.

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-Get changed, please.

-I can't, not just yet.

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-Too busy making nuisance calls?

-I was ringing Wayne next door.

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-The thing is...Chloe likes him.

-She likes him?

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-Yeah.

-What - she LIKE likes him?

-Yeah.

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-No!

-Yeah!

-Wayne?

-Yeah!

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-WAYNE Wayne?

-Yes!

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-And she told YOU about this?

-She didn't have to tell me.

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I went to get the takeaway and I saw them.

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Get a garage!

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Oh, my God!

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Wayne?!

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-Yeah.

-She's known him since she were three.

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-They used to play out together.

-Well, they still do.

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You should've seen it. It was horrible.

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I didn't know whether to run away, talk to her...

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Chloe!

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SHE SCREAMS

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-So you threw their dinner at a Yaris.

-No.

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I threw the milkshake at the Yaris. I dropped the chicken.

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-That is just typical you!

-You'd have done the same.

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-I would not.

-You weren't there, Caroline.

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-It was very traumatic.

-She was kissing a boy.

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Oh, it was more than kissing. She was, like...

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I can't even describe it. I'll show it on you.

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-No, thanks!

-She were like that!

-Ooh, God! OK, I get it!

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Even so, chucking a takeaway is a bit excessive.

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I know. That's why I'm trying to fix things.

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-Oh, by making a wind-up phone call!

-It's not a wind-up phone call.

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I'm trying to speak to Wayne. PHONE RINGS

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Did you 141 it?

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-What?

-Yeah - that'll be them, ringing back.

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No!

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Mikey, don't answer it!

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Hello?

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Yes. This is Andrew Lloyd Webber. How may I help you?

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What are you doing to the TV, Uncle Tommy?

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Installing Sports & Movies for your mum. Birthday present.

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Dad said we couldn't afford that package. It's too expensive.

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Your dad and me live in two different worlds.

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What you're doing, it's illegal, isn't it?

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"Illegal" would be a word from your dad's world.

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-Hi, Granddad!

-Right, Steven!

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-Ready to earn some pocket money?

-Oh, hello, Jim!

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-I thought you'd gone out.

-Yeah, we're just going.

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Right! Well, that's why I'm here - to babysit.

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-Well, Tommy's here.

-I know.

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That's who I've come to babysit.

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Nice one, Granddad.

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Enjoy him while you can, Steve. He won't be here forever.

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Yeah. Well, that's settled, then.

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I've not had my tea, so I'll help myself to something.

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-Fine! Take what you want. Why not?

-No need to thank me.

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Any excuse to see my only grand-kids.

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-What's in the box?

-Er, how'd you know it's a box?

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-The shape.

-Er...

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Right! Yeah. Er, no.

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We're going to play a game. Dr Who. This is the TARDIS.

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-Bit small for the TARDIS.

-Oh, come on, Caroline!

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You know how the TARDIS works.

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Liam! Is your dad ready yet?

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He's ready, but he's in the back garden talking to himself.

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Oh, God!

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Wayne!

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I'm starting to think you don't want to see Mamma Mia.

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I do. I've got to speak to Wayne. He's Chloe's first boyfriend.

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I've messed it all up. Can you see him? Wayne!

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Wayne!

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-OI, WAYNE!

-Tommy!

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-What you say that for?

-Do you want to speak to him?

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-What do you want?

-Our Liam wants to speak to your Wayne.

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-Hiya!

-Hi, love.

-Hang on a minute.

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-Do you think she knows about the milkshake?

-I don't know.

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How do you like it, Flynn?

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You don't touch one of ours!

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I think she knows. I'm sorry I frightened your son!

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I meant the car.

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-Is that all you got?

-What did you say that for?!

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Can I just say...what a lovely birthday I'm having so far?

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CRASHING Tommy!

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Well, did you ever use it?

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Right, lads. Who wants to play a game?

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-No, thanks.

-Ah, come on!

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It'll be fun.

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You see, basically, what you got to do is,

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get all these letters into these envelopes

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as fast as you possibly can.

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-That doesn't sound like fun.

-We'll make it fun.

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You said that about the bathroom-grouting game.

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-It won't be like that.

-Won't it?

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It better not be. You made a right pig's ear of it.

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-Come on. Put your comic down.

-It's a graphic novel!

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-And you, Mikey! Come on.

-I'm doing homework, Granddad.

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I'll get in trouble if it's not done.

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Will you be in trouble with Psycho Trev from the Wheatsheaf?

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-No.

-Well, then! This is more important.

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All right. I'll give you 20 quid each.

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-All right, then.

-Should've said that.

-Mercenaries!

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Wayne runs crying to his mum cos he got a milkshake thrown at him!

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-What a girl!

-Yeah, well, it wasn't just the milkshake.

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-That wasn't all I threw at him.

-Gravy.

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-No.

-So you've still got the gravy?

-No.

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-Where's the gravy?

-There's no gravy, all right?

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I'm talking about an additional incident.

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-SHE SCREAMS

-Oh, my God!

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-What's going on?

-It's a madman!

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-It's my dad!

-Yeah! Yeah!

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-Where are you going, lover-boy?

-I'm sorry! Don't kill me!

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Go on! You better run!

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-Get out of it!

-What the hell are you doing?

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-I was just... What the hell am

-I

-doing?

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What are YOU doing, sat in a car park speed-snogging?

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Ah, Dad!

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Chloe!

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Chloe, get back here now!

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Chloe!

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Oh, my God. What have you turned into?

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I can't believe you didn't get gravy. It comes with the bucket!

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I asked for a family bucket. I got a family bucket.

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You would've had to specifically ask him to leave the gravy out!

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-I tell you what you're turning into. Your dad!

-No, I'm not.

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-Yeah! You're turning into Jim.

-Yeah. He wishes.

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-I am not.

-Are you two going out or what?

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I am. Jim, do you want to come see Mamma Mia?

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Oh, you know me. Opera's not really my thing.

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-Liam, I'm getting in the car.

-All right. I'll be a minute.

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Dad, we got a bit of a situation with Chloe.

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I can cope. I brought you and Tommy up.

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-That covers everything.

-Chloe's a girl.

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Well, you had your phases.

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-It's about her and this lad, right?

-Oh, I see what's happening.

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She's become sexually active.

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No, no, no. No.

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See, you wouldn't be having these problems if you'd had the talk.

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Oh, yeah. I remember the talk.

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When the man and the lady get together and so on,

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the, um, the seed...

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..travels up the...you know, and...

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well, it all kicks off up there.

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-Am I making myself clear?

-Thanks, Dad.

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Very educational. I'll say goodbye to the kids, then we'll get going.

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-No! Don't do that.

-Why not?

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Well, er, you don't want to smother them.

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-I'm not going to smother them.

-Good lad.

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That's the spirit. Now, you enjoy your play, eh?

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All right.

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Liam!

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What exactly are you doing to my television?

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Caroline, a woman of your standing

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shouldn't have to scrabble through life on Freeview.

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You should at least have access to bid-up.tv.

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Aha!

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What've you done to the telly? It's all blurred.

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Yeah? Maybe this'll help things.

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-Whoa, man! That's amazing!

-Oh, yes.

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The Deadliest Catch as you've never seen it before.

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SPLASHING Whoa!

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Liam, would you rather come to Mamma Mia

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or spend the evening watching fishing programmes?

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COMMENTARY

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I'll be... I'll be right with you.

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And I want my normal telly back by the time we get home.

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MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

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It's Chloe's phone.

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-Wayne's texted her!

-Liam!

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Er, "You plus I need to talk. See you at the front door."

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-Wayne wants to talk. He's at the front door!

-Yeah. We got it.

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Yes! SHE SIGHS

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Wayne!

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-Er...

-Come on in!

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-It's all right.

-Oh...

-It's OK.

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No screaming. It's OK.

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-All right?

-Please, Mr Flynn, I just want to leave.

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Me too! You know they lock the doors once the show starts?

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That's so people can't get out.

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Sit yourself down there. Sit there. Don't worry! You're our guest.

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I'll get Chloe. Tommy, he doesn't leave that couch.

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So, Wayne...

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-The United have been playing some lovely football.

-Tommy?

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-Tommy, come out here.

-You stay right there.

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What?

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You know Trev from the Wheatsheaf?

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Glass eye, scar across his cheek. Estate agent.

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That's him. Yeah, yeah. Well, I owe him a bit of a favour,

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-and he's called it in.

-He's not asked you to whack someone?

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No! It's legal. It's just I'm running short of time,

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and I wondered if you'd give him a call for me.

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All right. Leave it with me, Dad.

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Thanks, son.

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You should use a sponge for that. It's quicker.

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I like the taste.

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-How we doing, lads?

-200, Granddad.

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Good work! Soon as the coast is clear, I'll take them down the car.

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-Why can't we tell Mum and Dad about this?

-Well...

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your parents can get a bit, er...edgy

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about what they might call child labour.

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-Saddoes!

-Oh, don't be too hard on them, Mikey.

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Shove up. You see, it's just that when you're a grandparent,

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and you've done it all once,

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-you can afford to be a bit more relaxed about, er...

-Child labour?

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Yeah. Well, they make you do jobs round the house, don't they?

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-So how is this any different?

-Because you make a profit.

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That was a rhetorical question. You're enjoying it, aren't you?

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Yeah! I've never had so much money. I'm going to buy a laptop.

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Well, don't show it to your parents.

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Are you sure it's OK for us to be doing this?

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If God didn't want you to lick envelopes,

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he wouldn't have given you a tongue.

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-SHE SIGHS

-Could be in the bar by now,

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-having a pre-show cocktail.

-Take this opportunity to bond

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-with your possible son-in-law.

-He's still at school!

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Well, you and Liam went out when were at school.

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They mate young in this family - for life.

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-Tommy!

-I'm just saying, if Chloe's anything like you,

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couple of years' time, this'll be the father of your grand-kids.

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-Over my dead body!

-She didn't mean it.

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We're actually a very loving, welcoming family.

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You just threw a barbecue at my mum.

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Let's not go dragging up the past, Wayne.

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-It was ten minutes ago.

-Right. So, you like Chloe, don't you?

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-She's all right.

-What are your intentions towards my niece?

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To be honest, I was thinking, if I could get her back in the car,

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-then I'd try -

-Whoa! Let me stop you there, Wayne.

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-Just tell me about your prospects.

-I don't know.

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-I was thinking maybe I'd go to college.

-College?

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Well, shoot for the stars!

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No, no. I'm quite good at maths and modern languages.

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Maths? Right!

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So if I do a £5 Yankee, and each horse comes in at five to four,

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what do I walk out of the bookie's with?

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-What's a Yankee?

-See, that's the problem with the education system.

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No relevance to the modern world.

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Trev? Yeah. It's Tommy Flynn, Jim's lad.

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Apparently he's doing some job for you.

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Yeah. Well, he's going to be a bit late with it.

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Yeah. Well, he's getting on in years, isn't he?

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Not as nimble as he used to be.

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No, it's... No, it's not that serious.

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No, he's not in hospital.

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No, he's... No, he's not.

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No. No, he's not.

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No! No, look...

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Oh.

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Right. That was meant to be threatening.

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Yeah. I'll pass it on.

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-I've got something to show you. It's brilliant.

-Liam!

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-Yeah, in a minute. Close your eyes.

-What is it?

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You're going to be really happy.

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What?

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Ta-dah!

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Are you trying to humiliate me?

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-What are you talking about? It's Wayne!

-Great!

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Carry on where you left off before I threw that milkshake.

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-Oh, Dad!

-DOOR SLAMS

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She is giving me some really mixed signals today.

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-It's just women. They're fickle.

-Er, where you going?

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-To talk to Chloe.

-Can I give you a little piece of advice

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-before you go in there?

-What?

-Do not go in there.

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-I've got to sort things out.

-No. She's a teenage girl,

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and you are her dad. Anything that you do will be wrong.

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-Why?

-Because she's a teenage girl,

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and you are her dad.

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Yeah, but I'm not like a "Dad" dad. I'm more a "whoo-hoo" sort of dad.

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SHE SIGHS

0:15:400:15:41

Hey, Chlo. Why you eating dry crackers?

0:15:430:15:45

Cos I'm hungry. And you threw my tea all over the road.

0:15:450:15:49

Listen, Chloe...

0:15:490:15:51

I don't want to mess things up with your first boyfriend.

0:15:510:15:53

-My boyfriend?

-Yeah.

-He's Wayne Barton.

0:15:530:15:56

His mum irons his jeans for him and he says "okey-dokey".

0:15:560:15:59

-I say "okey-dokey"!

-Exactly. He's such a loser.

0:16:010:16:05

-If he's a loser, what were you doing in the car with him?

-Don't know.

0:16:050:16:09

Valeting it? You were doing a pretty thorough job from what I saw.

0:16:090:16:12

Maybe I just wanted someone to notice me.

0:16:120:16:15

Chloe, love,

0:16:150:16:17

lads notice you all the time.

0:16:170:16:20

They're not looking at me, Dad. They're looking at her.

0:16:200:16:23

Who?

0:16:230:16:25

-Her.

-What?

0:16:250:16:27

-Eh?

-Like you don't know.

0:16:270:16:30

She goes round flaunting it, and nobody even notices I'm here.

0:16:300:16:33

I beg your pardon!

0:16:330:16:35

Like when you go out in your running kit.

0:16:350:16:38

-Hang on! Hang on! When was this?

-Yesterday.

0:16:530:16:57

I did go for a run yesterday. But it wasn't like that!

0:16:570:17:01

SHE PANTS

0:17:010:17:03

SHE COUGHS

0:17:050:17:07

-I thought I was going to be sick.

-Yeah. So did I.

0:17:070:17:10

-This is the most ridiculous...

-It's not just yesterday, Mum.

0:17:100:17:14

It's every time I'm round boys from school.

0:17:140:17:17

Yeah, teenage boys! They'd fancy a moose if it had lipstick on.

0:17:170:17:20

Oh, well, thanks, Mum! That makes me feel loads better.

0:17:200:17:23

Well, well, well! This puts a very different spin on things.

0:17:250:17:30

This isn't about me being a possessive dad.

0:17:300:17:32

This is about you being a leggy siren

0:17:320:17:35

and destroying our daughter's self-esteem.

0:17:350:17:38

HE LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY Whoo! Let's go and see Mamma Mia!

0:17:380:17:41

-Hang on.

-Come on. I've heard it's ABBA-tastic.

0:17:410:17:44

-No-one is going anywhere.

-Well, who'd have thought, eh?

0:17:440:17:48

-It's your fault all along.

-You're not saying you agree with her, do you?

0:17:480:17:52

-Well...

-You think I flaunt it?

0:17:520:17:55

Well, I think you can't help being a naturally very attractive woman.

0:17:550:17:59

-But...

-I'm just younger than the other mums, that's all.

0:17:590:18:02

Yeah. I know it's not your fault you had Chloe when you were 17.

0:18:020:18:05

I know! It's yours.

0:18:050:18:07

-Maybe you should tone it down a bit.

-Want me to dress as a nun, do you?

0:18:080:18:12

No. Don't be stupid.

0:18:120:18:14

-Maybe in the bedroom a little bit.

-Thanks for your support, Liam,

0:18:140:18:18

but I am not following a dress code set by a 15-year-old girl.

0:18:180:18:22

-I'm going to talk to her.

-Whoa, whoa! Whoa!

0:18:220:18:25

-Can't go up there.

-Why not?

0:18:260:18:28

-Because she's a teenage girl and you're her mother.

-Move!

0:18:280:18:31

Right. So you're not actually going out with Chloe.

0:18:320:18:35

No. We were more kind of practising on each other.

0:18:350:18:38

Well, you can never get enough practice, but...

0:18:380:18:41

It's good that you came round to check that she was OK.

0:18:410:18:44

No. I came round to get my car keys back.

0:18:440:18:46

And to check if she was OK?

0:18:460:18:49

No. Mainly the car keys.

0:18:490:18:52

But, Wayne, women like a gentleman.

0:18:520:18:55

-So, have you had a lot of girlfriends, then?

-Yeah, of course!

0:18:570:19:01

What's your secret?

0:19:010:19:03

No secret. No secret when you got this.

0:19:030:19:06

Yeah? Little bit of je ne sais quoi.

0:19:070:19:10

Cherching la femmes. It's not too tricky.

0:19:100:19:14

Yeah. I'm not doing French. I'm doing German.

0:19:140:19:16

Right. Well, you just have to have a bit of, er...

0:19:160:19:19

a little bit of...achtung,

0:19:190:19:22

and then, er...

0:19:220:19:24

-WITH GERMAN ACCENT

-..finding the Frauleins...

0:19:240:19:27

is all...

0:19:270:19:29

mein...Kampf.

0:19:290:19:32

-Do you know what? This is really helpful.

-Course!

0:19:340:19:37

HE LAUGHS Hey, Tommy!

0:19:370:19:39

Tommy, guess who the fit mum on the street is?

0:19:390:19:43

Caroline!

0:19:440:19:46

Really?

0:19:460:19:48

Yeah.

0:19:480:19:49

Oh! I can see that.

0:19:500:19:53

Although on this street there's not much competition, is there?

0:19:530:19:56

They've all got faces like blind cobblers' thumbs.

0:19:560:20:00

-No offence.

-Please may I go to the toilet?

0:20:000:20:03

-No.

-Go on.

0:20:030:20:05

You can go.

0:20:050:20:07

We're not, er, keeping him prisoner any more.

0:20:090:20:11

I know, but don't tell him. I'm really enjoying his company.

0:20:110:20:15

-Knock-knock!

-What you knocking for? You're already in.

0:20:170:20:20

Don't be mean to Mummy. She's only come for a talk.

0:20:200:20:24

-I'm not seven.

-I'm sorry.

-Don't throw him!

0:20:240:20:28

Look, Chlo, I'm not going to apologise for trying to look nice.

0:20:280:20:32

-Did I ask you to?

-No.

-Well, then.

0:20:320:20:35

And I'm not trying to steal your thunder.

0:20:350:20:37

-Good, because I've not got any.

-You have!

0:20:370:20:40

-You've got plenty of thunder.

-I've got drizzle.

0:20:400:20:43

That's rubbish, Chlo!

0:20:430:20:45

If there's anything I've got and you haven't,

0:20:450:20:48

-it's confidence. That's it.

-Right. Thanks.

0:20:480:20:52

And to be honest, I'm glad.

0:20:520:20:55

Cos as soon as you find that confidence,

0:20:550:20:57

you'll be able to have any boy you want.

0:20:570:20:59

-So, come on. Who have you got your eye on?

-No-one.

0:21:010:21:04

Course you have. And we all know it's not Wayne.

0:21:040:21:07

Well, there is this lad at school called Nick.

0:21:070:21:09

-Do I know him?

-He's got cropped blond hair

0:21:090:21:12

-and really, really blue eyes.

-Oh! I know who you mean!

0:21:120:21:15

-He helped me with my shopping the other day.

-What?

0:21:150:21:18

-Nothing.

-You got Nick Healey to carry your shopping?

0:21:180:21:22

No. I mean, I didn't get him to. He just offered.

0:21:220:21:25

-He's a friendly, helpful lad.

-Get out.

0:21:250:21:28

Mummy didn't do it on purpose.

0:21:290:21:31

-Get out, Mum.

-SHE SIGHS

0:21:310:21:34

-What are you doing?

-Making the kids some food.

0:21:350:21:39

-It's me or the social services.

-Oh, cheers, pal.

0:21:390:21:42

-What are you making them?

-Whatever you've got.

0:21:420:21:45

Fish fingers, sweetcorn...

0:21:450:21:47

kidney beans and a tin of peaches.

0:21:470:21:51

This family eats like there's a nuclear war.

0:21:510:21:54

Yeah, I know. Sorry, pal.

0:21:540:21:56

It's no bother. I'll just stir-fry it

0:21:560:21:59

-on a bed of rice.

-We haven't got any rice.

0:21:590:22:02

Let me finish. Krispies.

0:22:020:22:04

It sounds disgusting. The kids'll love it.

0:22:050:22:08

250!

0:22:080:22:09

Only 300 more, then you can start licking the stamps.

0:22:090:22:12

Can we stop now, Granddad? Finish them tomorrow?

0:22:120:22:15

-No. They got to go off first post.

-Well, can we have a break, then?

0:22:150:22:19

You just have. Now get back to it, if you want paying.

0:22:190:22:23

But I'm getting paper cuts.

0:22:230:22:24

I can see the walls moving, Granddad.

0:22:240:22:27

This is what happens when you get kids to do a man's job.

0:22:270:22:30

If it's a man's job, why don't you do it?

0:22:300:22:32

A young man's job! You produce more saliva than I do.

0:22:320:22:36

Haha! Speaking of which!

0:22:360:22:39

-Oh, sorry. I was looking for Chloe.

-Well, she's not in here.

0:22:390:22:42

Where do you think you're going? Come back.

0:22:420:22:44

Sit down. Here you are.

0:22:440:22:46

Start licking.

0:22:460:22:48

OK! Well, as long as I start wearing a burqa,

0:22:500:22:52

don't speak to any men below 30, there's absolutely no problem.

0:22:520:22:56

-Good! Well, that's sorted, then.

-You're enjoying all this.

0:22:560:22:59

Of course I am! Look at it from my point of view.

0:22:590:23:02

-Suddenly...I'm the good parent.

-Liam, it's not a competition.

0:23:020:23:05

Yes, it is. And you're just saying that cos I'm winning.

0:23:050:23:08

No. Because you... You sent my kid to his harvest festival

0:23:080:23:13

-with expired yoghurt.

-That was years ago!

0:23:130:23:16

-You could've caused an outbreak of E coli.

-Two years ago,

0:23:160:23:19

-and that's the best you've got?

-Children, be quiet. I'm making food.

0:23:190:23:23

-All right. Ten minutes for food!

-About time. I'm starving.

0:23:230:23:27

-Not for you. For the kids.

-I'll take it up for them.

0:23:270:23:29

-No. They can come down.

-They don't want to come down.

0:23:290:23:32

-How do you know?

-I just do. How'd you get on with Trev, by the way?

0:23:320:23:36

Not great, to be honest, Dad.

0:23:360:23:38

He said things you shouldn't say to a man in the twilight of his life.

0:23:380:23:42

-I'm not in the twilight of my life.

-Apparently you will be

0:23:420:23:45

-if you don't finish his job.

-Right. I'll definitely take the food up.

0:23:450:23:50

Whoa!

0:23:500:23:52

-I thought you'd gone out.

-No point now. We've missed it.

0:23:520:23:55

-You are still going out, though?

-What's that in the box?

0:23:550:23:57

-What box?

-This box here.

0:23:570:24:00

Put it back! That's private correspondence.

0:24:000:24:03

"Dear homeowner, we have recently sold a house in your area,

0:24:030:24:07

and have many buyers interested in similar properties."

0:24:070:24:11

That's very personal stuff, Jim. Very heartfelt.

0:24:110:24:14

I'm doing a favour for a friend.

0:24:150:24:17

-You are, or Steve and Mikey are?

-They're helping.

0:24:170:24:20

Are you running a sweatshop in the boys' bedroom?

0:24:200:24:23

I'm not exploiting them. I'm splitting the money equally.

0:24:230:24:27

I wouldn't mind, if you'd asked us.

0:24:270:24:29

Oh. So, er, can I get the lads stuffing envelopes?

0:24:290:24:33

-No!

-No.

0:24:330:24:34

Fine! I'll finish them myself.

0:24:350:24:38

But just so as you know,

0:24:380:24:40

that's the last time I offer to babysit.

0:24:400:24:44

Considering you had him as a role model, you're not such a bad dad.

0:24:450:24:48

Right. Bye, then.

0:24:480:24:50

Chloe, where you off to, love?

0:24:500:24:52

-Why don't you just follow me like you usually do?

-I didn't follow you.

0:24:520:24:56

I just happened upon you. Anyway, this isn't my fault! It's hers.

0:24:560:25:00

-Oh, my life is rubbish!

-Chloe, come and sit down, love.

0:25:000:25:03

Listen...

0:25:060:25:08

I know what it's like to be a 15-year-old girl

0:25:080:25:11

and having all the lads fancy your mum.

0:25:110:25:13

-How would you know?

-Well, I wouldn't,

0:25:130:25:16

because I'm a boy, and my mum was a bit of a horse...

0:25:160:25:19

..God rest her soul. But...

0:25:200:25:22

I tell you what.

0:25:220:25:24

-You're a lot prettier than your mum was at your age.

-What?

0:25:240:25:28

She was minging!

0:25:280:25:29

Oh, she had these massive big railings with braces on,

0:25:290:25:33

big National Health Timmy Mallett glasses.

0:25:330:25:36

And a scally boyfriend with a pudding-bowl haircut.

0:25:360:25:39

Think about it this way. You're getting prettier all the time.

0:25:390:25:43

She's peaked.

0:25:430:25:44

I'm sorry?

0:25:440:25:46

Yeah. It's downhill for you all the way.

0:25:460:25:48

Oh, this is the best birthday ever!

0:25:480:25:52

-SHE SIGHS

-You two aren't helping, you know.

0:25:520:25:55

If a guy ever decides to make a move on me,

0:25:550:25:59

I'll be on the lookout for you and your family bucket.

0:25:590:26:01

How am I meant to recover from that?

0:26:010:26:04

-How would you like 20 quid?

-That might solve it.

0:26:070:26:10

There you go.

0:26:110:26:12

Now, young lady, get in there and talk to Wayne.

0:26:120:26:16

Yeah. Go in there and sort it out, and do it right, please.

0:26:160:26:19

-Why?

-Because it's the right thing to do!

0:26:190:26:22

Besides, I haven't got enough fish fingers for him.

0:26:220:26:25

He's right, Chlo. Wayne deserves an explanation.

0:26:250:26:29

-Can't one of you do it?

-God forbid I should speak to a boy!

0:26:290:26:32

We all know I'm an embarrassment to you.

0:26:320:26:35

Um, Uncle Tommy...

0:26:350:26:37

-Can you dump him for me?

-Yeah. All right, then.

0:26:370:26:40

Er, no! Chlo! It's time to man up.

0:26:400:26:43

Go on, love.

0:26:440:26:46

Well...I think we handled that pretty well.

0:26:500:26:53

Yeah. Shame I wasted my birthday night, though.

0:26:530:26:57

Come here. I'm sorry about that, baby.

0:26:570:26:59

How would YOU like £20?

0:27:000:27:03

Doesn't entirely make up for it, if I'm honest.

0:27:040:27:06

Here. Why don't I make you a nice home-cooked meal?

0:27:060:27:11

You go in there, pop your feet up, watch a film.

0:27:110:27:14

Thanks, Tommy! That'd be lovely!

0:27:140:27:16

-Don't mention it.

-Cheers, T-...

0:27:160:27:18

SONG: "Mamma Mia" by ABBA

0:27:200:27:23

Hey, sorry we didn't get to go out tonight.

0:27:230:27:26

Oh, never mind. This way we get to watch Mamma Mia,

0:27:260:27:30

Dirty Dancing and both Sex In The Citys.

0:27:300:27:33

Like I said, I'm really sorry.

0:27:350:27:38

It's romantic, though, isn't it?

0:27:380:27:40

Yeah, it is.

0:27:400:27:42

Give us a kiss.

0:27:420:27:44

SLURPING NOISES

0:27:440:27:47

Yeah. Let's just watch the film.

0:27:500:27:53

# I know it's gonna be all right

0:27:530:27:58

# Forever I'll be by your side

0:28:000:28:04

# For everyone you love

0:28:070:28:10

# For everyone you feel

0:28:100:28:13

# I'm never giving up

0:28:130:28:17

# Until the dream is real #

0:28:170:28:19

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:190:28:23

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:230:28:27

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0:28:270:28:27

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