The Birthday Treat In With the Flynns

# For anyone who loves

# For anyone who feels

# I'm never giving up

# Until the dream is real

# Until the dream is real

# Until the dream is real #

Happy birthday!

Oh! I thought you'd forgotten!

-As if!

-Well, Chloe did, but we didn't.

-We got you a card and a cake.

-Thanks, love!

We had some helium balloons as well, but Mikey inhaled them all.

-Oh, "the best mum in the world"!

-You ARE the best mum in the world.

Not the best parent in the world, obviously, but...

-I beg your pardon!

-Just saying, that'd be me.

You? The man who lets them play ball games in the house?

Go, go, go, go, go! GLASS BREAKS

MIKEY LAUGHS

Listen - if your mum asks, it was your uncle Tommy.

It's better than leaving them unattended with a box of fireworks.

-SMOKE ALARM BEEPS

-Right - the good news is,

-the smoke alarm works.

-Oh!

God!

So, what have you got planned for my birthday night?

-I'll go get a bucket of chicken. Tommy's coming round.

-Oh!

-Why?

-No! Sounds nice.

Oh! No, I forgot something. I'm going to get chicken for the kids,

Tommy's coming round to babysit,

whilst I whisk you off into town for an evening of Mamma Mia

-at the Palace Theatre.

-Oh, Liam!

Go and get yourself tarted up. I'll sort the kids out.

-Oh, I will!

-See? Now who's the best parent in the world?

Oh, it's still me.

SHE SIGHS Whoo! Look at you!

-You look amazing.

-Why aren't you ready?

-It starts in a half hour.

-I have to make this quick phone call.

Hello? Hi. Is that... Is that Mrs Barton?

Could I speak to Wayne, please?

I'm just a friend of his from school.

Yeah. It'd be really cool, really cool to talk to him.

Yeah.

My name... My name's Andrew.

Yeah. Andrew, er...

Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Sorry. It's the wrong number. Sorry. Bye!

What was that?

-Oh, nothing, love. Just...

-Pretending to be Andrew Lloyd Webber.

-Yeah.

-Casting a musical, are you?

No. I just messed something up for Chloe, right?

It was... Ssh!

-Hey, Chloe. You all right, love?

-Do I look all right?

-No, you don't.

-Well, then!

-Liam, what've you done?

-You really want to know?

Er... No! I really want to go on my birthday night out.

-Get changed, please.

-I can't, not just yet.

-Too busy making nuisance calls?

-I was ringing Wayne next door.

-The thing is...Chloe likes him.

-She likes him?

-Yeah.

-What - she LIKE likes him?

-Yeah.

-No!

-Yeah!

-Wayne?

-Yeah!

-WAYNE Wayne?

-Yes!

-And she told YOU about this?

-She didn't have to tell me.

I went to get the takeaway and I saw them.

Get a garage!

Oh, my God!

Wayne?!

-Yeah.

-She's known him since she were three.

-They used to play out together.

-Well, they still do.

You should've seen it. It was horrible.

I didn't know whether to run away, talk to her...

Chloe!

SHE SCREAMS

-So you threw their dinner at a Yaris.

-No.

I threw the milkshake at the Yaris. I dropped the chicken.

-That is just typical you!

-You'd have done the same.

-I would not.

-You weren't there, Caroline.

-It was very traumatic.

-She was kissing a boy.

Oh, it was more than kissing. She was, like...

I can't even describe it. I'll show it on you.

-No, thanks!

-She were like that!

-Ooh, God! OK, I get it!

Even so, chucking a takeaway is a bit excessive.

I know. That's why I'm trying to fix things.

-Oh, by making a wind-up phone call!

-It's not a wind-up phone call.

I'm trying to speak to Wayne. PHONE RINGS

Did you 141 it?

-What?

-Yeah - that'll be them, ringing back.

No!

Mikey, don't answer it!

Hello?

Yes. This is Andrew Lloyd Webber. How may I help you?

What are you doing to the TV, Uncle Tommy?

Installing Sports & Movies for your mum. Birthday present.

Dad said we couldn't afford that package. It's too expensive.

Your dad and me live in two different worlds.

What you're doing, it's illegal, isn't it?

"Illegal" would be a word from your dad's world.

-Hi, Granddad!

-Right, Steven!

-Ready to earn some pocket money?

-Oh, hello, Jim!

-I thought you'd gone out.

-Yeah, we're just going.

Right! Well, that's why I'm here - to babysit.

-Well, Tommy's here.

-I know.

That's who I've come to babysit.

Nice one, Granddad.

Enjoy him while you can, Steve. He won't be here forever.

Yeah. Well, that's settled, then.

I've not had my tea, so I'll help myself to something.

-Fine! Take what you want. Why not?

-No need to thank me.

Any excuse to see my only grand-kids.

-What's in the box?

-Er, how'd you know it's a box?

-The shape.

-Er...

Right! Yeah. Er, no.

We're going to play a game. Dr Who. This is the TARDIS.

-Bit small for the TARDIS.

-Oh, come on, Caroline!

You know how the TARDIS works.

Liam! Is your dad ready yet?

He's ready, but he's in the back garden talking to himself.

Oh, God!

Wayne!

I'm starting to think you don't want to see Mamma Mia.

I do. I've got to speak to Wayne. He's Chloe's first boyfriend.

I've messed it all up. Can you see him? Wayne!

Wayne!

-OI, WAYNE!

-Tommy!

-What you say that for?

-Do you want to speak to him?

-What do you want?

-Our Liam wants to speak to your Wayne.

-Hiya!

-Hi, love.

-Hang on a minute.

-Do you think she knows about the milkshake?

-I don't know.

How do you like it, Flynn?

You don't touch one of ours!

I think she knows. I'm sorry I frightened your son!

I meant the car.

-Is that all you got?

-What did you say that for?!

Can I just say...what a lovely birthday I'm having so far?

CRASHING Tommy!

Well, did you ever use it?

Right, lads. Who wants to play a game?

-No, thanks.

-Ah, come on!

It'll be fun.

You see, basically, what you got to do is,

get all these letters into these envelopes

as fast as you possibly can.

-That doesn't sound like fun.

-We'll make it fun.

You said that about the bathroom-grouting game.

-It won't be like that.

-Won't it?

It better not be. You made a right pig's ear of it.

-Come on. Put your comic down.

-It's a graphic novel!

-And you, Mikey! Come on.

-I'm doing homework, Granddad.

I'll get in trouble if it's not done.

Will you be in trouble with Psycho Trev from the Wheatsheaf?

-No.

-Well, then! This is more important.

All right. I'll give you 20 quid each.

-All right, then.

-Should've said that.

-Mercenaries!

Wayne runs crying to his mum cos he got a milkshake thrown at him!

-What a girl!

-Yeah, well, it wasn't just the milkshake.

-That wasn't all I threw at him.

-Gravy.

-No.

-So you've still got the gravy?

-No.

-Where's the gravy?

-There's no gravy, all right?

I'm talking about an additional incident.

-SHE SCREAMS

-Oh, my God!

-What's going on?

-It's a madman!

-It's my dad!

-Yeah! Yeah!

-Where are you going, lover-boy?

-I'm sorry! Don't kill me!

Go on! You better run!

-Get out of it!

-What the hell are you doing?

-I was just... What the hell am

-I

-doing?

What are YOU doing, sat in a car park speed-snogging?

Ah, Dad!

Chloe!

Chloe, get back here now!

Chloe!

Oh, my God. What have you turned into?

I can't believe you didn't get gravy. It comes with the bucket!

I asked for a family bucket. I got a family bucket.

You would've had to specifically ask him to leave the gravy out!

-I tell you what you're turning into. Your dad!

-No, I'm not.

-Yeah! You're turning into Jim.

-Yeah. He wishes.

-I am not.

-Are you two going out or what?

I am. Jim, do you want to come see Mamma Mia?

Oh, you know me. Opera's not really my thing.

-Liam, I'm getting in the car.

-All right. I'll be a minute.

Dad, we got a bit of a situation with Chloe.

I can cope. I brought you and Tommy up.

-That covers everything.

-Chloe's a girl.

Well, you had your phases.

-It's about her and this lad, right?

-Oh, I see what's happening.

She's become sexually active.

No, no, no. No.

See, you wouldn't be having these problems if you'd had the talk.

Oh, yeah. I remember the talk.

When the man and the lady get together and so on,

the, um, the seed...

..travels up the...you know, and...

well, it all kicks off up there.

-Am I making myself clear?

-Thanks, Dad.

Very educational. I'll say goodbye to the kids, then we'll get going.

-No! Don't do that.

-Why not?

Well, er, you don't want to smother them.

-I'm not going to smother them.

-Good lad.

That's the spirit. Now, you enjoy your play, eh?

All right.

Liam!

What exactly are you doing to my television?

Caroline, a woman of your standing

shouldn't have to scrabble through life on Freeview.

You should at least have access to bid-up.tv.

Aha!

What've you done to the telly? It's all blurred.

Yeah? Maybe this'll help things.

-Whoa, man! That's amazing!

-Oh, yes.

The Deadliest Catch as you've never seen it before.

SPLASHING Whoa!

Liam, would you rather come to Mamma Mia

or spend the evening watching fishing programmes?

COMMENTARY

I'll be... I'll be right with you.

And I want my normal telly back by the time we get home.

MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

It's Chloe's phone.

-Wayne's texted her!

-Liam!

Er, "You plus I need to talk. See you at the front door."

-Wayne wants to talk. He's at the front door!

-Yeah. We got it.

Yes! SHE SIGHS

Wayne!

-Er...

-Come on in!

-It's all right.

-Oh...

-It's OK.

No screaming. It's OK.

-All right?

-Please, Mr Flynn, I just want to leave.

Me too! You know they lock the doors once the show starts?

That's so people can't get out.

Sit yourself down there. Sit there. Don't worry! You're our guest.

I'll get Chloe. Tommy, he doesn't leave that couch.

So, Wayne...

-The United have been playing some lovely football.

-Tommy?

-Tommy, come out here.

-You stay right there.

What?

You know Trev from the Wheatsheaf?

Glass eye, scar across his cheek. Estate agent.

That's him. Yeah, yeah. Well, I owe him a bit of a favour,

-and he's called it in.

-He's not asked you to whack someone?

No! It's legal. It's just I'm running short of time,

and I wondered if you'd give him a call for me.

All right. Leave it with me, Dad.

Thanks, son.

You should use a sponge for that. It's quicker.

I like the taste.

-How we doing, lads?

-200, Granddad.

Good work! Soon as the coast is clear, I'll take them down the car.

-Why can't we tell Mum and Dad about this?

-Well...

your parents can get a bit, er...edgy

about what they might call child labour.

-Saddoes!

-Oh, don't be too hard on them, Mikey.

Shove up. You see, it's just that when you're a grandparent,

and you've done it all once,

-you can afford to be a bit more relaxed about, er...

-Child labour?

Yeah. Well, they make you do jobs round the house, don't they?

-So how is this any different?

-Because you make a profit.

That was a rhetorical question. You're enjoying it, aren't you?

Yeah! I've never had so much money. I'm going to buy a laptop.

Well, don't show it to your parents.

Are you sure it's OK for us to be doing this?

If God didn't want you to lick envelopes,

he wouldn't have given you a tongue.

-SHE SIGHS

-Could be in the bar by now,

-having a pre-show cocktail.

-Take this opportunity to bond

-with your possible son-in-law.

-He's still at school!

Well, you and Liam went out when were at school.

They mate young in this family - for life.

-Tommy!

-I'm just saying, if Chloe's anything like you,

couple of years' time, this'll be the father of your grand-kids.

-Over my dead body!

-She didn't mean it.

We're actually a very loving, welcoming family.

You just threw a barbecue at my mum.

Let's not go dragging up the past, Wayne.

-It was ten minutes ago.

-Right. So, you like Chloe, don't you?

-She's all right.

-What are your intentions towards my niece?

To be honest, I was thinking, if I could get her back in the car,

-then I'd try -

-Whoa! Let me stop you there, Wayne.

-Just tell me about your prospects.

-I don't know.

-I was thinking maybe I'd go to college.

-College?

Well, shoot for the stars!

No, no. I'm quite good at maths and modern languages.

Maths? Right!

So if I do a £5 Yankee, and each horse comes in at five to four,

what do I walk out of the bookie's with?

-What's a Yankee?

-See, that's the problem with the education system.

No relevance to the modern world.

Trev? Yeah. It's Tommy Flynn, Jim's lad.

Apparently he's doing some job for you.

Yeah. Well, he's going to be a bit late with it.

Yeah. Well, he's getting on in years, isn't he?

Not as nimble as he used to be.

No, it's... No, it's not that serious.

No, he's not in hospital.

No, he's... No, he's not.

No. No, he's not.

No! No, look...

Oh.

Right. That was meant to be threatening.

Yeah. I'll pass it on.

-I've got something to show you. It's brilliant.

-Liam!

-Yeah, in a minute. Close your eyes.

-What is it?

You're going to be really happy.

What?

Ta-dah!

Are you trying to humiliate me?

-What are you talking about? It's Wayne!

-Great!

Carry on where you left off before I threw that milkshake.

-Oh, Dad!

-DOOR SLAMS

She is giving me some really mixed signals today.

-It's just women. They're fickle.

-Er, where you going?

-To talk to Chloe.

-Can I give you a little piece of advice

-before you go in there?

-What?

-Do not go in there.

-I've got to sort things out.

-No. She's a teenage girl,

and you are her dad. Anything that you do will be wrong.

-Why?

-Because she's a teenage girl,

and you are her dad.

Yeah, but I'm not like a "Dad" dad. I'm more a "whoo-hoo" sort of dad.

SHE SIGHS

Hey, Chlo. Why you eating dry crackers?

Cos I'm hungry. And you threw my tea all over the road.

Listen, Chloe...

I don't want to mess things up with your first boyfriend.

-My boyfriend?

-Yeah.

-He's Wayne Barton.

His mum irons his jeans for him and he says "okey-dokey".

-I say "okey-dokey"!

-Exactly. He's such a loser.

-If he's a loser, what were you doing in the car with him?

-Don't know.

Valeting it? You were doing a pretty thorough job from what I saw.

Maybe I just wanted someone to notice me.

Chloe, love,

lads notice you all the time.

They're not looking at me, Dad. They're looking at her.

Who?

-Her.

-What?

-Eh?

-Like you don't know.

She goes round flaunting it, and nobody even notices I'm here.

I beg your pardon!

Like when you go out in your running kit.

-Hang on! Hang on! When was this?

-Yesterday.

I did go for a run yesterday. But it wasn't like that!

SHE PANTS

SHE COUGHS

-I thought I was going to be sick.

-Yeah. So did I.

-This is the most ridiculous...

-It's not just yesterday, Mum.

It's every time I'm round boys from school.

Yeah, teenage boys! They'd fancy a moose if it had lipstick on.

Oh, well, thanks, Mum! That makes me feel loads better.

Well, well, well! This puts a very different spin on things.

This isn't about me being a possessive dad.

This is about you being a leggy siren

and destroying our daughter's self-esteem.

HE LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY Whoo! Let's go and see Mamma Mia!

-Hang on.

-Come on. I've heard it's ABBA-tastic.

-No-one is going anywhere.

-Well, who'd have thought, eh?

-It's your fault all along.

-You're not saying you agree with her, do you?

-Well...

-You think I flaunt it?

Well, I think you can't help being a naturally very attractive woman.

-But...

-I'm just younger than the other mums, that's all.

Yeah. I know it's not your fault you had Chloe when you were 17.

I know! It's yours.

-Maybe you should tone it down a bit.

-Want me to dress as a nun, do you?

No. Don't be stupid.

-Maybe in the bedroom a little bit.

-Thanks for your support, Liam,

but I am not following a dress code set by a 15-year-old girl.

-I'm going to talk to her.

-Whoa, whoa! Whoa!

-Can't go up there.

-Why not?

-Because she's a teenage girl and you're her mother.

-Move!

Right. So you're not actually going out with Chloe.

No. We were more kind of practising on each other.

Well, you can never get enough practice, but...

It's good that you came round to check that she was OK.

No. I came round to get my car keys back.

And to check if she was OK?

No. Mainly the car keys.

But, Wayne, women like a gentleman.

-So, have you had a lot of girlfriends, then?

-Yeah, of course!

What's your secret?

No secret. No secret when you got this.

Yeah? Little bit of je ne sais quoi.

Cherching la femmes. It's not too tricky.

Yeah. I'm not doing French. I'm doing German.

Right. Well, you just have to have a bit of, er...

a little bit of...achtung,

and then, er...

-WITH GERMAN ACCENT

-..finding the Frauleins...

is all...

mein...Kampf.

-Do you know what? This is really helpful.

-Course!

HE LAUGHS Hey, Tommy!

Tommy, guess who the fit mum on the street is?

Caroline!

Really?

Yeah.

Oh! I can see that.

Although on this street there's not much competition, is there?

They've all got faces like blind cobblers' thumbs.

-No offence.

-Please may I go to the toilet?

-No.

-Go on.

You can go.

We're not, er, keeping him prisoner any more.

I know, but don't tell him. I'm really enjoying his company.

-Knock-knock!

-What you knocking for? You're already in.

Don't be mean to Mummy. She's only come for a talk.

-I'm not seven.

-I'm sorry.

-Don't throw him!

Look, Chlo, I'm not going to apologise for trying to look nice.

-Did I ask you to?

-No.

-Well, then.

And I'm not trying to steal your thunder.

-Good, because I've not got any.

-You have!

-You've got plenty of thunder.

-I've got drizzle.

That's rubbish, Chlo!

If there's anything I've got and you haven't,

-it's confidence. That's it.

-Right. Thanks.

And to be honest, I'm glad.

Cos as soon as you find that confidence,

you'll be able to have any boy you want.

-So, come on. Who have you got your eye on?

-No-one.

Course you have. And we all know it's not Wayne.

Well, there is this lad at school called Nick.

-Do I know him?

-He's got cropped blond hair

-and really, really blue eyes.

-Oh! I know who you mean!

-He helped me with my shopping the other day.

-What?

-Nothing.

-You got Nick Healey to carry your shopping?

No. I mean, I didn't get him to. He just offered.

-He's a friendly, helpful lad.

-Get out.

Mummy didn't do it on purpose.

-Get out, Mum.

-SHE SIGHS

-What are you doing?

-Making the kids some food.

-It's me or the social services.

-Oh, cheers, pal.

-What are you making them?

-Whatever you've got.

Fish fingers, sweetcorn...

kidney beans and a tin of peaches.

This family eats like there's a nuclear war.

Yeah, I know. Sorry, pal.

It's no bother. I'll just stir-fry it

-on a bed of rice.

-We haven't got any rice.

Let me finish. Krispies.

It sounds disgusting. The kids'll love it.

250!

Only 300 more, then you can start licking the stamps.

Can we stop now, Granddad? Finish them tomorrow?

-No. They got to go off first post.

-Well, can we have a break, then?

You just have. Now get back to it, if you want paying.

But I'm getting paper cuts.

I can see the walls moving, Granddad.

This is what happens when you get kids to do a man's job.

If it's a man's job, why don't you do it?

A young man's job! You produce more saliva than I do.

Haha! Speaking of which!

-Oh, sorry. I was looking for Chloe.

-Well, she's not in here.

Where do you think you're going? Come back.

Sit down. Here you are.

Start licking.

OK! Well, as long as I start wearing a burqa,

don't speak to any men below 30, there's absolutely no problem.

-Good! Well, that's sorted, then.

-You're enjoying all this.

Of course I am! Look at it from my point of view.

-Suddenly...I'm the good parent.

-Liam, it's not a competition.

Yes, it is. And you're just saying that cos I'm winning.

No. Because you... You sent my kid to his harvest festival

-with expired yoghurt.

-That was years ago!

-You could've caused an outbreak of E coli.

-Two years ago,

-and that's the best you've got?

-Children, be quiet. I'm making food.

-All right. Ten minutes for food!

-About time. I'm starving.

-Not for you. For the kids.

-I'll take it up for them.

-No. They can come down.

-They don't want to come down.

-How do you know?

-I just do. How'd you get on with Trev, by the way?

Not great, to be honest, Dad.

He said things you shouldn't say to a man in the twilight of his life.

-I'm not in the twilight of my life.

-Apparently you will be

-if you don't finish his job.

-Right. I'll definitely take the food up.

Whoa!

-I thought you'd gone out.

-No point now. We've missed it.

-You are still going out, though?

-What's that in the box?

-What box?

-This box here.

Put it back! That's private correspondence.

"Dear homeowner, we have recently sold a house in your area,

and have many buyers interested in similar properties."

That's very personal stuff, Jim. Very heartfelt.

I'm doing a favour for a friend.

-You are, or Steve and Mikey are?

-They're helping.

Are you running a sweatshop in the boys' bedroom?

I'm not exploiting them. I'm splitting the money equally.

I wouldn't mind, if you'd asked us.

Oh. So, er, can I get the lads stuffing envelopes?

-No!

-No.

Fine! I'll finish them myself.

But just so as you know,

that's the last time I offer to babysit.

Considering you had him as a role model, you're not such a bad dad.

Right. Bye, then.

Chloe, where you off to, love?

-Why don't you just follow me like you usually do?

-I didn't follow you.

I just happened upon you. Anyway, this isn't my fault! It's hers.

-Oh, my life is rubbish!

-Chloe, come and sit down, love.

Listen...

I know what it's like to be a 15-year-old girl

and having all the lads fancy your mum.

-How would you know?

-Well, I wouldn't,

because I'm a boy, and my mum was a bit of a horse...

..God rest her soul. But...

I tell you what.

-You're a lot prettier than your mum was at your age.

-What?

She was minging!

Oh, she had these massive big railings with braces on,

big National Health Timmy Mallett glasses.

And a scally boyfriend with a pudding-bowl haircut.

Think about it this way. You're getting prettier all the time.

She's peaked.

I'm sorry?

Yeah. It's downhill for you all the way.

Oh, this is the best birthday ever!

-SHE SIGHS

-You two aren't helping, you know.

If a guy ever decides to make a move on me,

I'll be on the lookout for you and your family bucket.

How am I meant to recover from that?

-How would you like 20 quid?

-That might solve it.

There you go.

Now, young lady, get in there and talk to Wayne.

Yeah. Go in there and sort it out, and do it right, please.

-Why?

-Because it's the right thing to do!

Besides, I haven't got enough fish fingers for him.

He's right, Chlo. Wayne deserves an explanation.

-Can't one of you do it?

-God forbid I should speak to a boy!

We all know I'm an embarrassment to you.

Um, Uncle Tommy...

-Can you dump him for me?

-Yeah. All right, then.

Er, no! Chlo! It's time to man up.

Go on, love.

Well...I think we handled that pretty well.

Yeah. Shame I wasted my birthday night, though.

Come here. I'm sorry about that, baby.

How would YOU like £20?

Doesn't entirely make up for it, if I'm honest.

Here. Why don't I make you a nice home-cooked meal?

You go in there, pop your feet up, watch a film.

Thanks, Tommy! That'd be lovely!

-Don't mention it.

-Cheers, T-...

SONG: "Mamma Mia" by ABBA

Hey, sorry we didn't get to go out tonight.

Oh, never mind. This way we get to watch Mamma Mia,

Dirty Dancing and both Sex In The Citys.

Like I said, I'm really sorry.

It's romantic, though, isn't it?

Yeah, it is.

Give us a kiss.

SLURPING NOISES

Yeah. Let's just watch the film.

# I know it's gonna be all right

# Forever I'll be by your side

# For everyone you love

# For everyone you feel

# I'm never giving up

# Until the dream is real #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

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