The Hardest Cut In With the Flynns

# For anyone who loves

# For anyone who feels

# I'm never giving u-u-u-p

# Until the dream is real

# Until the dream is real. #

-Are you OK?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

Fine, Tommy. Why wouldn't I be?

It's just a vasectomy. It's routine.

In a couple of years, you'll be able to do it yourself over the internet.

Yeah. Your brother's here and I'm the same blood group, just in case the doctor makes a slip.

Oh, my God.

-You're mad.

-I know there's nothing to worry about. I know that.

No, you're mad to be going through with it.

I'm not here for a jolly day out. I told you, I promised Caroline.

Come on, please, please. No more kids.

Please, please, no more kids. Please, please, please.

Liam, I only ever see you praying when I'm taking a pregnancy test.

It's worked every time except three. What else am I supposed to do?

Oh, it's negative.

Yes! Get in!

If you're that worried, why don't you do what we talk about every time this happens?

Go to the doctor and get the snip.

Oh, come on, Caroline. There's got to be other ways of doing it.

Yeah. I think a doctor's probably safest.

Ha-ha(!) I mean other ways of birth control.

Yeah, but they aren't foolproof, Liam.

Let's be honest, we are fools.

Yes, we are.

So the good news is we're not pregnant.

The bad news is I'm about to have my knackers cut off.

You'll be fine.

Not like this bloke.

Went in for a kidney transplant, bled to death on the table.

That paper's a month old.

Yeah, I know. I brought it in specially.

This isn't a kidney transplant. It's a vasectomy. It's simple.

My friend Bob went in for a vasectomy.

Surgeon hit an artery.

Bled to death on the table.

D'you remember Bob?

No, I don't remember Bob.

He bled to death on the table.

Right, can we just stop saying "bled to death on the table"?

-Mr Flynn?

-Yeah, that's me.

Don't you worry, Liam. I'll be making spot checks, make sure he's chopping off the right bits.

Halt or I'll slice your head off.

Come on, Mikey. You know I don't like you playing with weapons.

Mum, it's only a weapon if it's used as one.

A car can be a weapon.

-A hammer can be a weapon.

-Yeah, yeah, very smart.

-A Uzi semiautomatic machine pistol can be a...

-Where the hell did you get that?

-Grandad bought it me.

-Jim!

He's got to learn to drive sometime and I was operating the pedals.

What?

Nothing.

She's talking about the gun you bought Mikey.

The gun?

-Oh, the gun.

-It's completely irresponsible, Jim.

Oh, come off it, Caroline.

Liam and Tommy used to play Cowboys and Indians.

Not with an Uzi.

Could you please swap it for something with less firepower?

Like, say, some felt-tips.

Right, young man.

I don't recall buying you any guns.

You're old, Grandad. You forget things.

He's lying, Grandad. He robbed it.

-I never.

-Where's the receipt, then?

-They didn't give me one because it wastes paper.

-Oh, Mikey.

Oh, please don't tell Mum and Dad.

Of course not. What do they know about disciplining a child?

-Let's go.

-Where to? You know you can't hit children now.

The EU says so, remember?

I'm old, Mikey. I forget things.

If you weren't going running I'd be all over you.

-I'm not going running.

-Eh?

-But you've got your Lycra on.

-Yeah, I've already been.

Oh, well. Never mind. You're probably tired.

-Coach Trip starts in a minute.

-I didn't run far.

-Yeah, but...

-Oh!

-What's the matter?

-Vasectomy. It's just...

-Still? It's been ages.

-It's just tender, you know what I mean?

I can be tender.

-I know, but the doctor says...

-I can be very, very tender.

That's just cruelty! You're hurting me now.

All right. Sorry.

All right, Tommy.

Are you aware how strange that was?

Are you aware you don't live here?

Where else am I supposed to mend a motorbike?

-Er, your house?

-Hey, I've got Canadian oak flooring at mine.

Soaks up oil like a sponge, whereas you're blessed with lino.

There's no lino in here, is there?

-We're straying from the point. What was that all about?

-It's the vasectomy. Delicate.

Where was that delicacy when you were with me yesterday?

Stay in, stay in! No, no!

It comes and goes.

Right, I understand.

You're lying.

Yes, of course I'm lying.

OK, OK, yeah. Nice clean setup.

Yeah, good lighting. That's important.

Here y'are. Lots of degrees, diplomas.

University of Hartlepool.

Didn't know they had one, but...

Still, it's a degree.

It's a third class degree. Just sit down, chill out.

This is to soak up blood.

I could bleed to death on the table.

Oh, my God. What am I even do...?

-Mr Flynn?

-Yep.

-Sorry to keep you. I had a meeting.

You know what solicitors are like.

You've just got something...

Cut myself shaving.

Hitch your gown up. Let's have a butcher's.

-Sorry, a what?

-It's a figure of speech.

A butcher's hook, a look.

Do you know what? I think I'm in the wrong room.

Sorry. I'm tonsils. I'm sorry.

I thought you were done quickly. I assumed there was a team of them in there, like a pit stop.

Caroline thinks I went through with it.

She thinks I've been all... decommissioned.

So you lied to her as well as me?

No, I didn't as much lie to her as just not tell her the truth.

And then just tell her something else which wasn't the truth.

Well, as long as you didn't lie.

DOOR OPENS

Chloe, you all right, love?

Yeah, pretty good. All right, Uncle Tommy?

Yeah.

..You see, that's weird, innit?

She's never "pretty good", is she? She's usually...

I hate you! Move! Whatever.

Yeah, there's something seriously wrong there.

SHE HUMS

Well, Mum, it's happened.

I've finally done it.

What? What have you done?

-I've fallen in love.

-Oh, God, Chloe. I thought you'd slept with someone.

No. You always say love's more important than sex.

-Which it is.

-This is a miles bigger thing than sleeping with him.

Mm, yeah.

I met him at Paulo's Pizza on Dale Street.

We had this amazing conversation.

What can I get you?

Well, what do you recommend?

-The pizza meal deal.

-OK, Peter.

I'll have a piece of pizza, Peter.

With chips and a diet cola?

-So, go on.

-What?

-The amazing conversation.

-That was it.

He even knew what drink I like.

He's amazing. I'm in love.

Ah. Well, that's great, Chloe.

Just don't get carried away.

What do you mean by that?

Well, nothing. It's just your version of what happened

might not be the same as his.

You know, sometimes men and women

interpret conversations in different ways.

-Hey, have you seen Mikey?

-He's out with your dad, I think.

You know, I found him playing with an Uzi.

A toy one?

Of course a toy one.

-Oh.

-Am I the only one who's got a problem with this?

It's better than doing ballet or something.

No, no, only because his real talent lies in modern or tap.

-Good save.

-Thank you, baby.

I think you're in there.

You've got no idea. It's been torture.

I'm tired of reading.

Yeah, I'm tired as well.

Good night, love.

Oh, no!

I forgot to put the cat out.

The cat ran away six months ago.

I heard a noise. He's probably come back.

We haven't got a cat flap, Liam.

Well, I'd better go and put one in, then, hadn't I?

-It's driving me mad.

-Then have the operation.

To prove his love for a woman, Van Gogh cut off his own ear.

Yeah, one ear.

You can still hear with one ear.

Look, you chickened out. It's not a problem.

-Go back down the hospital, get it over and done with.

-I did go back.

Without me?

Yeah, I know. Can you believe it(?)

So, who was your wingman?

Thanks for the support, Dad.

Don't mention it, our Liam.

Our Tommy made me feel like a freak for wanting to do this.

Hey... Now, there's nothing at all to be ashamed of.

This does not make you any less of a man.

Thanks, Dad. Cheers.

Takes me back,

sitting in a waiting room like this.

No! You mean you had a vasectomy?

No, I did not, you cheeky swine.

Do I look French?

No.

No, I'm talking about when I brought Jasper in.

-The spaniel?

-Yeah.

He had the exact same look on his face as you've got now.

Vacant.

You...you brought the dog in for a vasectomy?

Vasectomy, neutering, it's the same basic operation.

Dad, it's not the same basic...

It's a completely different procedure.

You wouldn't catch me going under the knife like that.

You wouldn't need to, would you?

Be like putting locks on an empty house.

Empty house with the plumbing still intact.

Eurgh, Dad!

Hey, what happened to Jasper anyway?

Bled to death on the table.

-Mr Flynn?

-Yeah, please, let me in.

-OK, Mr Flynn. Take two.

-Yeah, I'm sorry about doing a runner the other day.

You must get that all the time.

No.

You've got no shaving cuts this time, I see.

Don't worry about that, Mr Flynn. I don't do the shaving.

-Shaving?

-Gregory does.

Stay away from me, you.

You know, done properly, it feels really nice.

I'm not going back to Dr Butterfingers!

-Don't snap at me.

-I'm not snapping. I'm just...

Will you get that wheel off me couch?

Hey, don't be jealous of what the wheel represents, yeah?

The open road, freedom.

Yeah, when you get it started.

I told you, don't buy mechanical goods over the internet.

I also told you, don't get stuff delivered here.

It's not the bike's fault you're never having sex again.

OK, get out, Tommy.

I'm leaving now, before one of us says something we regret.

What you going upstairs for?

I'm charging my battery in your bedroom.

He's rushed off his feet, Grandad.

We should come back later.

This is the right thing to do. You'll be happy when it's over.

Come on.

Sir, my grandson has something he wants to say to you.

Yesterday I took one of your guns and I didn't pay for it.

Oh, is that so?

Yes. And I realise that was very wrong and I'm sorry.

Give the man his money.

Here's £20.

Good boy, Mikey. Well done.

-What are you doing?

-Calling the police.

What? He's just apologised. He said he'd pay.

Oh, he'll pay. Wynne, seal all the exits.

No, this is where you say, "I hope you've learned your lesson, young man."

-I'd like to report a theft.

-Grandad!

Come here. Let go, let go.

-You don't want to do that.

-Oh, yes, I do.

You gave that other kid a lollipop.

That other kid isn't a dirty little thief. You're going to borstal.

You brought that on yourself.

-You are so cool.

-Shut up.

I'd like to report a theft.

And intimidation.

Run!

Tommy, is it just me or do you think Liam seems a bit...?

-Mardy?

-Not himself.

Since the operation he's been... I don't know.

-Mardy?

-Maybe it's me.

-Maybe I'm being insensitive.

-Ah, maybe.

Maybe I'm pushing him too much.

Maybe you're not pushing him enough.

-What do you mean?

-Let's look at the evidence, shall we?

Liam definitely had the operation.

That's the one thing we all do know.

So since then, maybe it's made him feel a bit less of a man.

-Really?

-Mm.

So, you've got to employ all those feminine wiles, you know.

You've got to be sensual and irresistible. Don't you scrimp on them wiles.

That's what he wants me to do?

No, Caroline. It's what he needs you to do.

-Thank you.

-You're very welcome.

CLATTERING

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on?

Oh, I'm such an idiot, Uncle Tommy.

Stop banging around and sit down and tell me about it.

You wouldn't understand.

Why don't you try me? I'm a man of the world.

Ever had an experience where you weren't sure what happened?

I'm familiar with the sensation you describe.

I was chatting to this guy in Paulo's.

-What can I get you?

-Well, what do you recommend?

-UNINTERESTEDLY:

-The pizza meal deal?

OK, Peter.

I'll have a piece of pizza, Peter. SHE SIMPERS

And then I started snorting at him like a pig.

SHE LAUGHS AND SNORTS

Certain men find that attractive.

-Weirdos.

-On the whole.

-Oh, I feel so stupid.

It probably didn't even happen the way you remember it.

-No?

-No.

There's probably whole parts of the conversation you've blocked out.

Oh, my God.

STACCATO LAUGH

Could you leave the premises, please?

You're distressing my customers.

-You realise this isn't helping?

-Oh, I'm meant to be helping?

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

Good morning, Thomas.

-Thank you for your excellent words of advice.

-Glad to be of assistance.

-What advice?

-DOOR OPENS

'Ey up. Those boys ready for school?

Jim, you're a lifesaver.

Steve, Mikey, your grandad's here.

I'm such an idiot.

I could have just told her I didn't have the vasectomy.

But oh, no, I had to take the stupid route and have sex with my wife.

Liam, while everyone's out, can I have your opinion on something?

On what?

It's an outfit.

Oh, no, come on, love. You know I'm bad at this.

..All right, you look beautiful in everything. It doesn't even f...

Whoa!

What are you trying to do to me?

What do you think?

How do them tassel things stay on?

Cake icing.

Oh, no. No, no.

It's raspberry flavour.

Oh...!

That's it. You got me. That's it.

BOTH PANT BREATHLESSLY

Whoa!

Whoa.

-Oh, yeah.

-Oh.

I just feel so chilled out and relaxed. Don't you?

Oh, yeah. I do, yeah, yeah.

Oh, I wish I still smoked.

No, I've got a better idea. Star jumps.

-Do what?

-We'll do some star jumps. Come on, I'll do them with you.

Come on, star jumps.

Come on, it's good for you.

One, two, three.

Now try and stamp your feet with a wiggle.

You always do naked star jumps?

Shut up.

-We could be pregnant again.

-Oh.

What do you mean, "Oh"?

Nothing.

Tommy, you should have seen Grandad yesterday!

He went berserk in a toy shop and ripped the phone right out of the wall.

Oh? Give me some skin, Grandad.

There is nothing cool about damaging property.

It's illegal and immoral.

Don't leave me hanging!

I took you in that shop to teach you about antisocial behaviour.

And you did - you were brilliant.

There's nothing for it. I'll have to tell your mother.

Oh, and tell her that YOU smashed up the toy shop?

-I don't think we need mention that part.

-I think we do.

Gentlemen, in these circumstances I think it falls to me as the boy's uncle to...

-lead him back on the straight and narrow.

-You?

At least I never smashed up a toy shop.

Arndale Centre, 1991.

Santa's Grotto, different thing.

Come on.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-Hello, love.

-Oh, you haven't finished shopping yet, have you?

-Yeah. Just.

-'I need you to get me some...'

some "lady items".

-Really? Why?

-'Why do you think? I need them.'

What, ladies items?

Look, that's brilliant. That's fine, brilliant.

-You've got to go back round the supermarket.

-'No, it's good,'

cos, you know, more reward points.

Maybe I'll have enough to get a picnic cool bag.

-'Sorry, the other phone's going.'

-OK, see you in a bit, love.

Hey! Back in the shop to get some ladies items for the wife!

Huh? Get in!

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Hi, this is Dr Carter's office.

Er, we've got a window to reschedule Mr Flynn's vasectomy on Monday at 10am.

Again? How many does he need?

We're willing to give it another go, but maybe this time with a general anaesthetic.

He didn't go through with it?

So Monday, 10am. You'll give him the message?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

He'll get the message.

OK, open the till, no-one gets hurt.

That's a plastic toy gun.

Well spotted. It's just a little ice-breaker. I wish to return this item.

-You got a receipt?

-No. No, I haven't.

No receipts, no refunds.

-I don't want a refund.

-No credit notes, no refunds, no nothing.

Listen, the thing is... It's a funny story, actually.

I'm sick and tired of people coming into this shop and thinking they can push me around.

I'm not taking it any more!

-Will you just shut up and listen?

-Don't point that thing at me.

-It's a toy!

Oh! Oh, God!

I didn't know it was going to do that.

-I can't see!

-I'll just apologise.

-It's no big deal, is it?

-Wow!

Uncle Tommy, what have you done?

I told you to wait outside.

-You shot him in the head! That is so cool.

-No. No, it's not cool.

-What you doing?

-I'd like to report an armed assault.

Run!

Hello, love!

-Got 'em.

-Got what?

Your special "ladies items."

Oh, yeah. Sorry about that.

What?

I'm not sure I'm going to need 'em.

No, no, you said you...

Yeah, I know. I think I got it wrong.

What I actually feel like, weirdly, is pregnant.

Preg...pregnant?

I know. It's impossible, isn't it?

Yeah. Cos my, er...

my lines of communication have been cut, so...

There's no way your soldiers could get to the front.

-Exactly.

-I mean, those operations are foolproof.

And if it wasn't, then we just... we just sue their arses off.

Especially after all the pain you went through.

Well, yes. Yes, it was uncomfortable.

And I'm so grateful.

But still, it feels exactly like I'm pregnant.

Oh, I'm going to take a pregnancy test.

Do you bulk-buy those things?

Oh, my God, no, please no!

How do you mean, he called you fat?

Not in those exact words, Grandad, but it's definitely what he meant.

With chips and a diet cola?

A DIET cola. A DIET cola.

DIET cola.

Can you believe it? I hate him.

-Lad's an idiot.

-He IS an idiot.

-That or he's blind.

-Thank you.

You're no more fat than I am, Chloe.

Thanks, Grandad(!)

No, come on, please, no, no, no. Not this time, not again.

No more. Come on, God. Please, please don't...

I don't understand.

Oh, my God!

-Maybe it's a faulty test or something?

-Oh, my God!

There's no way this could have happened.

I didn't have the vasectomy!

I didn't have it. I'm sorry! I chickened out, right, and then...

and then I lied to you, and then I had sex with you. I'm sorry!

A-ha!

What?

This isn't a pregnancy test.

It's a lie detector, and it worked.

-What are you talking about?

-The hospital rang to reschedule.

Oh. Oh, right.

Liam, you could have got me pregnant...again.

-But you're definitely not?

-No.

-Let me check that thing.

-If you like - it's a turkey thermometer.

And you peed on it?

No! Why would I pee on it?

Look, I thought you'd gone off me. I thought we were in trouble.

I know, I'm an idiot. I...

You don't know what it's like, just slamming the door on your manhood.

Don't be so dramatic.

Come on! We don't know what the future might hold. One day I might need my boys.

You planning on leaving me for another woman and starting a whole new family?

No, but it'd be nice to know I could.

Hey!

That just came out wrong, I didn't...

Look, what if I was the last man alive, right, and I had to repopulate the Earth?

With, say, Girls Aloud?

Or The Saturdays.

It's good to know you think about these things,

but you've already done your bit.

You already gave.

Did I?

We've got three children.

Wonderful, beautiful, intelligent.

Which one's which?

I know, I know.

Hey, in just 18 months, we can go out, leave them unsupervised.

-Exactly. We're nearly there!

-I know.

Oh, we've already got rid of the safety catches on the cupboard doors.

Isn't it nice to open cupboards?

-Yeah, it is nice, innit?

-We've got enough on our plates, Liam.

We've got to do this.

DOORBELL RINGS, GRANDAD SNORTS

DOORBELL RINGS, HE SNORES

Don't worry, I'll get it.

What do you want?

-American Hot?

-That'll be for my uncle.

I come from a long line of fat pigs.

OK!

D'you think you'll get it past my fat arse?

So, I'll see you on Friday?

-Friday?

-You always come in on a Friday. Around six.

Maybe.

Well, then, I'll see you.

Mum, I'm in love again!

Oooh, ooh! Ooh!

-There you are.

-There you go. That shave wasn't so bad.

No, it was really sweet, actually. Thank you.

Well, hello again, Mr Flynn.

Yeah, hello. Apologies again, mate.

Well, you WERE under a lot of stress.

And you're clearly a great big coward.

Why don't you just walk him through it

-so he realises there's nothing to be afraid of?

-It's very simple.

A bit of anaesthetic, I make two tiny incisions,

cut each of the vas deferens in half and cauterise the ends.

It's quick and it's permanent.

-Snip, snip, bye-bye.

-Exactly.

And you're done. Your childbearing days are behind you.

Wow. Ha!

-Yeah, I suppose they are.

-Absolutely.

You can move on to other things. You guys play golf?

No.

You're going to love it!

Right, well, let's... let's just get this over with.

-Here we go.

-No, no, no, no! Wait, wait, wait, wait!

-Now what?

I like my childbearing years, and I've really got quite a lot of them left.

Oh, Liam, things change and...

What are we doing here? Put your pants on, we're going to buy some condoms.

Get in! Yes! That's my wife!

You should have just come to me with the problem in the first place.

What can I do for you?

These three young men have got something they want to say to you.

Mikey.

I'm sorry I stole that toy gun.

-I'm sorry I pulled your phone off the wall.

-Tommy?

I'm sorry I shot you in the face.

I see.

So, here's your gun back and some money for any damages.

-OK?

-So, you're not going to phone the police again?

No, I'm not.

Thank you.

I've no need.

I had a panic button installed under the counter

and I pushed it the moment you came in.

What?

You're all going to jail, my friend.

No, no. We brought the...

SIREN WAILS

Run! Run! Mikey!

# I know it's gonna be all right

# Forever I'll be by your side

# For everyone you love

# For everyone you feel

# I'm never giving up

# Until the dream is real.