Liam Flynn, Party Legend In With the Flynns

# For anyone who loves

# For anyone who feels

# I'm never giving up

# Until the dream is real

# Until the dream is real. #

Don't worry, it's going to be a stonking party.

It's a 40th wedding anniversary party. I don't want "stonking".

Not what you said last night!

I want a nice party with sophisticated things,

like food, that my parents can look back on in another 40 years.

Promise me they won't live to be 100.

It doesn't look very party-like.

It will because I promised you and, you know,

my party skills are legendary.

-We owe them, Liam. We stayed loads in their house in Spain.

-Yeah.

On the "Costa fortune to buy a round".

You're mad for doing this. No-one even likes that half of the family.

There is nothing wrong with my half. We are salt of the earth.

Yeah, salt. Cheap, white and...

A third thing.

Get off! Get off! It's party food!

You're joking. That's not it?

What?

All right, I'll get some more. Kids!

Eh?

-Right, go to the supermarket and buy some more party food.

-Wahey!

-What are you doing? They'll come back with Haribos and an airgun.

-We've got to learn to trust them.

Oh, no. The crouch of trust.

Boys, you're old enough now to help us more.

I'm going to give you a shopping list.

-If you go off that list, I'll make you live with my Dad. Deal?

-Deal.

DOORBELL

Morning, Princess.

-You only call me that because that makes you king.

-I am what I am!

-Everyone, you remember my cousin Amy.

-Hiya. I brought the banner.

-Happy

-Rudy

-Wedding?

Happy Ruby Wedding.

-How many years is ruby?

-40.

-What comes after a ruby wedding anniversary?

-Death.

-Amy, have you met Liam's brother, Kevin?

-I certainly have.

There's seven billion people in the world. We've all met a lot of people.

Well, see you tonight.

Yeah, thanks, Amy.

-You had sex with her, didn't you?

-Only once.

Quite quickly.

You only met her at Aunty Shirley's fu...

You had sex with her at the funeral.

It was our way of celebrating her life.

-Well, try flowers next time.

-Is she having another funeral?

He is generally weird. But he's especially weird about women.

Well, his fiance's dumped him. Commitment is a dirty word for him.

Poor Amy.

-Not bad, eh?

-What is it?

-A swan.

-It's good, yeah.

Do me 50 more of them and then make a balloon model

of your Nan and Grandad. And then go to the supermarket.

Party on.

City are about flair, whereas Man United are like a sausage machine.

As I always say, anyone can be successful

and win trophies over an extended period of time.

Bit rude. You think of a subject, if you're so interesting!

Right, food and plentiful supplies of tap water in the kitchen.

Don't hold back on the dancing.

Let's get this party started.

Dad, please, just be nice to Pat and Alan.

I know they can be crass and selfish and thoughtless...and arrogant...

-Just be yourself, Dad.

-You want to do the bet?

-Yes.

-What's the bet?

Caroline's mam and dad do the annoying five things.

When they come round, they always buy age inappropriate presents.

Bang on about how much better Spain is than here.

And they always say, what car you driving these days?

That's three. And four, bring wine and tell us how much it cost.

There is a fifth thing, but I can't say because there's ladies present.

Do a massive dump in the toilet.

-Tenner says they do all five.

-I'll go for four.

-Kevin, come and talk to these girls.

-Erm...

DOORBELL

Next time you lose the shopping list, don't panic and buy beetroot.

It turns your pee pink!

Well, we like our wee the standard yellow colour in this family.

-Wahey!

-Oh!

Mum and dad?

Good to be alive, isn't it?

Where are my itsy-bitsy grandkids?

Hiya, Nan, Grandad.

-Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.

-There you go, Stevie. Play-Doh to die for.

Knock yourself out, make yourself an elephant!

-I think Steve is more likely to make himself a girlfriend.

-Dad!

-Hi, sweetheart.

-Oh, hello.

-You're both looking great. What's your secret?

-Golf. And Botox.

And for Mum?

Happy anniversary. How does it feel?

It felt pretty good when we did it this morning, didn't it, Alan?

-Jim!

-Pat.

Always a chore, never a pleasure.

Sorry, what am I saying?

What about this, Jim? £25.99 and it tastes like 90 quid champagne.

Ha-hey!

As I always say, why buy champagne when you can live my life

and have real pain?

I don't get it.

Oh, is that my lovely Chloe, under all that make-up?

Hi, Nan.

-40 years, not bad.

-Oh, yes.

Although I say it myself, ours is a marriage made in heaven.

Is that what they call Rochdale registry office these days?

At least we got married for love, not just to give a baby a surname.

-I do realise I shouldn't have said that, Chloe.

-What?

-We'd have got married anyway.

-Absolutely.

Had a few drinks on the way over, have we?

Well, my Caroline didn't have much choice.

Single-parent, all buckled down with "Quick Draw" here.

-Mum!

-He started it.

-It's all right.

I'll go and rebuild Chloe's shattered illusions. You get smashed, Pat.

It's party time!

KNOCKS ON DOOR Go away.

Chloe, I'm sorry.

We should have told you that you're technically a...

How can I put this sensitively? Erm...

It starts with B and rhymes with "wastard".

You're always going on about love and it turns out you're only with Mum because she got knocked up.

That's not true. It's romantic how me and your mum got together.

Don't tell me, I was conceived in a bus shelter.

Chloe, we're a bit classier than that.

It was my Dad's Vauxhall Corsa.

You know what? I'll tell you a story.

Right. It's a...damp night in June.

The moonlight's glinting off the rust on my Dad's car.

Me and your mum are both 17

and...we're very much in love.

We can't. We spent the condom money on cider.

No, please. I'll be good, be careful, I promise.

Yeah, let's carve that on the playpen.

You're right.

At least one of us is sensible.

Well, we've got Matt Monro

or the Grimethorpe Colliery Band.

-But I do know kids don't like thinking about their parents doing that, so I'll move on...

-Thank you.

-..to a week or two later.

-Don't tell Amy I'm up here.

Oh, come on, Chloe. You're missing some great food.

We're doing exciting things would beetroot.

Kevin's in there.

-Hi, Kevin.

-I'm not hiding.

-OK.

-If I was hiding, I'd be in that cupboard.

-True.

-How are you?

-Yeah, great. Things are going great. Really well.

I hear your fiance ran off with your brother, Tommy.

Yes, there was that. Yeah.

-Has that put you off women?

-No, not really. That would be cra...

Oh, has it? Yes. Yeah, I think it has.

That would be a shame.

Do you like my hair? It's new.

You bought some hair?!

No, it's a new style.

-Yeah, it's nice.

-Thanks.

Lots of beetroot.

Steve were telling me eating it turns your pee pink.

And apparently, rhubarb can turn it green.

He seemed to know a lot about urine.

So, I'm at home, rehearsing with my band, Pretty Slick.

It was like an early sort of garage vibe.

THEY PLAY TUNELESSLY

-Hiya.

-Hey, listen to this. Let me get into it again.

Liam, we have to...

Honestly, I'm getting better. I could be in Shed Seven.

-This is important.

-A little bit of Wah Wah pedal.

-I'm pregnant!

-I took a pregnancy test.

-Are you sure you did it right?

I had to pee on a stick, it's not skilled work.

Maybe it was past its sell by date.

I took three pregnancy tests.

Sounds like a faulty batch.

I'm having a baby, Liam.

We're having a baby.

-And you read the instructions, right?

-I'm going.

-No, no, wait.

I'm just...

-It's a bit of a shock for me, you know.

-I know. Me too.

-What are we going to do?

-It's cool, isn't it?

I'm not ready. I'm not ready for this. What am I going to do? I'm not ready!

We'll take another test, right, I'll pee on the stick this time.

Caroline...

All right, mate?

I think you heard.

Yeah.

I'm going to be an uncle. Wow!

What about me, being a father?

Yeah, but me an uncle. That is ooph!

I'm not ready for this.

Let's write a song about it.

-No, Kev. No-one must know about this yet. OK?

-Sure.

SHOUTS: Hey, I brother Liam's knocked up his girlfriend, Caroline.

Keep that yourself, no-one must ever know.

BRASS BAND PLAYS ON STEREO

I had a call from Sister Agnes who heard about it in the playground.

So you got that girl pregnant.

Kevin!

-Well, son?

-Dad... What...

Can we turn off the Britpop Oompa Kings for a minute?

It's minging.

-So you are going to do the decent thing and marry her?

-I want to...

Even if it means having a miserable life and... You want to?

Yeah, man. You know. I want to be with Caroline for ever.

Good. Now go in there and tell your mam

she's going to be a 36-year-old grandmother.

Hey, come here!

You see, so I was nervous, but I was over the moon at the news.

Oh, God. They're multiplying.

Now then, where's Chloe?

I have a gift for her.

Thanks, Mum. But the only doll Chloe wants these days is Robert Pattinson.

They didn't have that in the gift shop.

And, I tell you where she is, she's hiding, in case

you tell her she was found in a skip and raised by badgers.

Oh, it is tough.

You were her age when I lost you to the Great Impregnator.

-Hey, everyone. This is my friend, Kevin.

-ALL: Hi, Kevin.

She's not my girlfriend.

She's not really my type. We just got carried away at a funeral.

You know how it is.

We've all been there.

Oh, is that quiche?

So I'm desperate to see your mum and reassure her, but...

Come out, Chloe. This is ridiculous. You're needed, party legend.

The little cousins are looking suicidal.

The gherkins aren't doing it for them.

Right, it's kicking off. You've got morning sickness

and I'm trying to build to like a romantic climax, OK?

And tell Kevin to stop being horrible to Amy.

So, I'm up the duff..

Charming.

Yeah, and they're such lovely, kind people, the Spanish.

Unless you're a bull.

Unlike in Britain, in Spain everybody greets you on the street.

Yeah, go home, Gringo. And give us back Gibraltar.

Oh, I love a challenge.

Right then, people. Come on. Get up, push the couch back.

Come on, push it back. Steve, you do the same. Right, you do the music.

You need to get some chairs down here.

Pat, Alan, come and join in, it's your party.

Dad, come on, musical chairs. No cheating or violence.

I'm not drunk enough for that.

-Right, hit it, distant cousin Dan.

-Sam.

-Whatever. Hit it.

MUSIC STARTS

Oi, Kevin! Kevin! Come on, show a bit of family solidarity.

I'm getting evil looks off Amy's family. They're going to knock me out and I'll wake up married to her.

Just tell her honestly you're not interested.

You've got a bit of commitment fatigue,

you and 20 million other men up and down the country. Get in there.

Right, now hopping. Go on!

That's the way.

Party!

Come on. Go and talk to her.

Go on.

All right, I'll do it now.

I didn't know what to think because, you know, 17-year-old guys,

they're not good at sharing their feelings.

It's like talking to a tree.

It is.

VOICEMAIL BEEPS

Amy, I'm getting a lot of pressure to go out with you

and I see our relationship as being massive, but...

over.

I hope we can still be friends. Don't call me.

'Have you seen Kevin?'

Now this is hiding.

I think you've got the wrong idea about me, Kevin.

-Do you want to get out of the cupboard?

-Yeah.

You're really fun to be with, but if you think I want to settle down with an unemployed gambler

-who's afraid of scared of women, you're seriously deluded.

-Oh, good.

So, I'm going to leave now. If you fancy sipping a bit more short-term,

I'll be downstairs, helping with some chairs.

-"Leave a message after the tone."

-BEEP

Amy, can you ignore that last message?

That was for another girlfriend called Amy.

Bye.

MUSIC STOPS

CHEERING

MUSIC STARTS

Hey, hang on. Hang on. Shouldn't we be taking a chair away each time?

So your dad comes to see me at Woolworths, where I've got this Saturday job.

SHE RETCHES

-You all right?

-Not really.

Do you want me to weigh that for you?

Listen, Caroline, you know... What I meant to say last time was...

-Yeah, I want to marry you. I do.

-Oh, Liam.

I made a big mistake and now I've got to pay for it.

-So I'm the punishment?

-No, not you, love. Marriage. You know.

I reckon we get the ball rolling, we strap your stomach down, get you into a wedding dress.

-OK, get out.

-What? Why?

-Get out of my pick and mix area!

-I just said I'd marry you.

-Get out!

-What's the matter with you?

You're tapped, you!

-Pig!

-Well...

Erm, I was 17. I was still on my first disposable razor.

So how did you get back together?

Well, I did what men have always done when they hear they're going to be a dad.

-Bought a book of baby names?

-Not even close.

-No.

Where were you all night?

I was in here,

servicing the...lawnmower.

Oh, no. Tell me you didn't.

Argh, Dad!

-A haddock?

-It's a shark.

-It's a haddock. Look at the fins.

-Why would I get a tattoo of a haddock?

To remind you of what an idiot you are.

It's a shark, like me, swimming on its own course, not bothered about anyone.

So Caroline said no?

Yeah.

Dad, what was I thinking? I don't want to be a shark.

-I want to be with Caroline, I love her.

-Did you tell her you love her?

-No.

-Well, some men include that as part of the proposal.

But what would I know?

-That was you sorting it out?

-I'm getting there.

What are you doing in here?

Reassuring Chloe that despite what my Mum says, we married for love.

Oh, yeah.

You might want to leave that ten minutes.

Number four!

-Oh, there's a number four?

-No!

Not... No.

It's a long story.

I'd better go. I sense this is going to be one of your less successful events, party legend.

You might be surprised, love.

So you've just got a tattoo of a haddock, Mum's been sick in Woolworths,

-and you keep screaming at each other.

-Yeah, so I go back and see your mum.

Cazza.

-Go away.

-Come on, Caroline. I didn't find the right words last time.

Yeah, that seems to happen a lot.

All right, I'm going to show you something.

What is that? A cigar?

-No, it's a shark. It's a symbol.

-Of what?

How you attacked our relationship, killed it, left it on a beach?

-No, that would be way too elaborate. I'd have to explain it to everyone.

-Shut up.

It's a symbol of what an idiot I am.

When you first came to me with the news, I just panicked.

And I was selfish.

I tried to make things better, I just made things worse.

And then I wanted to... I wanted to prove to you that I didn't need you.

I was...a lone shark.

A loan shark?

Not a loan shark...

Anyway, I proved the exact opposite.

I do stupid things when I'm not with you and I can't afford to get any stupider.

I love you.

So you have to marry me cos I love you.

No.

I'm not going to marry you cos I have to do.

-I'm going to marry you cos I want to.

-Yes, that's what I want!

No, not like that. If we get married now,

it'll just be because I'm having a baby and you're freaking out.

So I'm going to have the baby and then,

if we still want to get married, great.

Cos it'll be cos we love each other.

Yeah, it will.

-SHE RETCHES

-You all right?

Do you want me to hold your hair for you, love?

I think she's had too many sweets.

And then we were married eight months later after we'd had

the most beautiful baby girl that's ever been.

-Maybe the truth's not so bad.

-No, it's not. Come here.

-So what happened to your tattoo?

-I had it turned into a rhino.

-A symbol of...?

-Manly strength.

Then I had it removed and the pain made me cry like a baby.

Come on. It's your grandparents' party.

40 years of marriage, Happy Rudy Wedding!

-How about a little father and daughter dance, eh?

-I'd rather die.

I thought you'd say that.

HE SNORTS AND STARTS COUGHING

Sorry, I got the impression that you weren't up for anything long-term but you might fancy a quick...

Oh, yeah.

That's that sorted then.

Party's going well in there.

This is typical of the Flynns.

-I always knew my Caroline could have done better.

-Shut your face!

Ye-e-e-e-sss!

Ha-hey!

Maybe you should become a full-time party arranger.

No, I'd miss the glamour of the forklift truck industry.

I've cracked your system. Cheap booze and something physical.

Well, it works for us, doesn't it, babe?

-So do you think we can make it 40 years?

-Yeah, yeah, easy.

We've done the hard part, having kids when we were kids ourselves.

Oh, party over?

Yeah. Come on, Steve, Mikey, come on, bedtime. Party's finished.

Uncle Kevin and Amy have finished in your bedroom.

Good night, God bless, boys.

Bye, guys.

Oh, Caroline. Thank you so much for a lovely party.

Thanks, love. Perfect.

Bye-bye. Bye, Nan.

You know, Chloe, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

Well, you were wrong about Mum and Dad.

-It's dead romantic how they got together.

-I know, love.

And think what you think like about your dad, he is a bit of a hottie.

Just like my Alan.

Night, Nan.

-TOILET FLUSHES

-Night, darling.

We might have to stop off at A&E. My urine's gone pink.

BANG

-What's this?

-That's nothing, love.

-So, Alan... Are you happy with your car?

-I am, James, thanks very much.

-I'm not sure I've got the right car.

-It's getting on.

-What are you driving these days?

-I thank you!

# I know it's gonna be all right

# For ever I'll be by your side

# For anyone you love

# For everyone you feel

# I'm never giving up

# Until the dream is real. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd