Life is Sweat In With the Flynns

# For anyone who laughs

# For anyone who feels

# I'm never giving up

# Until the dream is real

# Until the dream is real. #

Yeah, we're OK. Mikey wants to change his name to Zane.

Yeah, or Herod.

Dad tried a moustache, but he looked like a serial killer.

HE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY

Yeah, Chloe's GCSE's are coming up and she's taking

Hair Care, Stomping Off and Going Up At The End of Every Sentence.

-Like, ha ha.

-Why are you at the swimming pool, Nan?

-Oh, we live in the pool, don't we, Al?

-We do.

Oh, is that why you're all wrinkly?

It's really good, this online chat thing,

we don't have to pay to talk to you.

Just be careful you don't drop your laptop in the pool,

that'd be tragic, wouldn't it?

Mikey's in the school play, you could fly back and see it.

-Oh, who are you playing?

-A goat.

No, we don't want to see that.

So, how hot is it out there, Nan?

Oh, yeah, hey, someone at work

has asked me to be their personal trainer.

Oh, say no, love.

The last thing you need is a fat, sweaty bloke begging for mercy.

They'll pay me. You know, I've been thinking for a while I should be,

you know, using this more.

-Because your body's a tool?

-Yes, my body's a tool.

I know my way around a gym, so...

and this person should pay me well, so...

Why are you being so shifty?

Is "this person" a lovely lady?

She...she...

All she is to me is just a sweaty, panting body.

Anyway, I was on me lunch hour, so I was...

Taking your tool out for a run?

All right? Working hard?

Phew!

Very impressive, Liam.

Well, you know, got to look after the quads, haven't ya?

Yeah, wow.

I need a personal trainer. Do you fancy taking me on?

What? You mean me? No, no, no, no.

I'll pay you. I'm so unfit.

Yeah? Oh, yeah, whatever, go on, then.

You see? It's win, win.

Use my tool to earn some money and then maybe a new training business.

Where would you train your sweaty, panting, lovely lady?

Well, I was thinking, somewhere I can cover the range

of reps, flexes, cardio needed in a professional modern workout.

So, I thought the garage.

Evening, all. I'm Jim and tonight, I'm going to be your Granddad.

I am a talking goat. I don't just make goat noises.

Mikey, we are not flying 1,200 miles to come and see you play a goat.

-Evening, Alan. Pat.

-All right.

How are things in

"Playa del nothing to do, but drink gin and get sunburnt"?

Oh, lovely thanks.

Are you still growing them manky sprouts at your allotment?

Yeah, keeping it real.

Hello, Kev. Send us a postcard. Where are you off to?

Oh, your living room.

Dad's got a mate staying so he's kicked me out.

Wow. You must be used to being kicked out of places,

which is just as well because....

Oh, don't worry, I'm not going to be here much

cos I've got a new girlfriend.

What, real or imaginary?

She's real.

-You haven't just seen a picture of her in a magazine, then...?

-No.

Ignore him, Kevin. She does know she's your girlfriend, though?

-Yeah.

-Ooh, that's great.

What's she called?

Naimah, which means peaceful.

Well, I won't remember that. I'll call her Tracy.

-Shall I go back in the other room?

-Sorry, love, what's she like?

Oh, she is fantastic. She's really gorgeous and she's funny and...

Seriously, what's she like, come on?

She's got this lovely voice, it's like chocolate and velvet.

Ooh, this is new.

Usually you're like, "Oh, she's got hair and teeth, she'll do."

Yeah, even when Tommy went off with your last girlfriend,

you seemed quite pleased.

-Well, she wasn't really my girlfriend.

-She was your fiance.

So there you go, then. This is, this is different.

-So have you used the L word to her?

-Learner?

Yes, Kevin, have you used the word learner to your girlfriend?

Oh, love, well, yes, I have. It's the real thing, this.

HE LAUGHS

I think your mum and dad's laptop just fell into the pool.

So you're kicking Kev out onto the street, then?

Oh, you know Kevin, he'd hate to think he was a burden.

Should you be describing your offspring as a burden?

All right, then. Leech. Parasite. Am I getting warm?

No danger of that, Dad.

It's OK, I don't need him now.

Right.

Oh, yeah. Good times, pal.

Simpler times.

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Hey, Kev, what do you think of me gym?

-Oh.

Where the elephant in the room becomes a toned animal in the room

with abs like a cobbled street.

-What do you think?

-Well, it's as good as any gym I've been to.

Which is none, right?

-Yeah, well, just take the compliment.

-Are you OK?

-Yeah.

-How's Naomi.

-Er, Naimah.

-You should get her to change that, you know?

-Yeah, she's dumped me.

-Oh, sorry, pal.

-Yeah.

Did she, did she say why? Actually, no ignore that.

-I'm, er, I'm going to get her back.

-No, no, no.

There's no room for revenge, just let it go.

-No, no, I'm going to get her back.

-Oh, right, oh right, yeah.

Yeah, I'll wear her down eventually.

I'll just follow her everywhere,

you know, ring her, bang on her windows.

-That's stalking, Kev.

-Yeah, yeah, I'll stalk her, but nicely.

-You can't, it's illegal.

-Oh, yeah.

There's loads of girls out there with low enough self-esteem

to give you some options.

Just trying to make me feel better.

No, I mean, they're not all lookers,

but... Actually, let me get Caroline, she's better at this than me.

Kids, work out in half an hour! GRUMBLING

Shut it.

Right, gearing up for some personal training. Here is my inspiration.

We're squatting. We're squatting. We're pushing, we're pushing...

Toilet.

HE GASPS

-Hello, Liam.

-Hello, Pat.

-What's the weather like over there?

-Um, oh, it's um, it's forecast sleet.

-Sleet!?

-Yeah, yeah, long-term sleet,

so don't even think about coming back from Spain.

Oh, me and Al have just had a quick gazpacho.

Well, it can strike at any time can't it?

Ooooh.

Whoa, I've got to be honest, Pat, you're starting to worry me.

I've got Alan under the table...

..rubbing me feet.

Right, right.

Right, that's me gone.

Can you please warn me next time you leave your Mum hanging in cyberspace?

I had to escape.

Yes, well, here's a mad idea. Tell her you're busy.

Yes, I did that once. For a year, I got,

"Can we chat or are you too busy?"

"Hi, is that Mrs Busy?" Then a T-shirt arrived with,

"Too busy to talk to my mother", on it.

Oh, Kev's back, been dumped.

Oh, no, he was so keen. He looked like the cat who got the cream.

Yes, well, the cream wanted a better cat,

preferably with his own house.

I rang your Dad to tell him to be more supportive to Kevin.

-You didn't.

-I did.

You don't call your kid a burden...to their face.

That's just the way Dad talks.

He used to call Mum "Bulldog".

How's Kevin taking it?

You know Kevin, he's a tough little sod.

-SOBS:

-I want her back so much.

I'm never going to be happy without her.

Yeah, let it all out.

HE SOBS

Whoa, whoa, not all of it, keep some of it in.

I want to hear her lovely voice again,

it's like chocolate and velvet.

Yes, you said.

Did you hit Uncle Kevin?

No, he's got woman problems.

They told us about that at school.

Not that kind of woman problems.

He'll be all right, don't worry.

I won't. I'll never be all right, not unless I get Naimah back.

Who's Naomi?

It's not Naomi, it's Naimah, it means peaceful.

Hey. Come on.

Come on. Hey, what about United, eh?

We're squatting, we're squatting, we're...

Come on, you've got to raise your game, dudes.

Shouldn't you be doing this with us, dude?

Oi, I'm management and you need the exercise.

Kids today, it's all about "Eh-eh, any chance you could

"run about a bit, nothing too competitive."

You wouldn't say that if you'd seen Sister Agnes taking PE.

Her catchphrase is, "Jesus is Love, I am Damage".

Kevin, come and get some endorphins going.

No, I want to get through it without drugs this time. >

All right, yeah, whatever.

Right, on me.

GRUNTING

Hey, I don't know what you're doing in there.

Come and join us, you could do with a bit of firming up.

No, thanks, you don't mess with man perfection.

Hello.

-Hello.

-I've been thinking about what you said

about you thinking that I'm unfair to Kevin.

-Oh, yeah?

-And weirdly, you might be right.

Oh, good, fix that, then. Kev's popped out.

I haven't even got a mate staying,

it was just a ruse to get him out me hair.

Well, people can be annoying

if you want to be left on your own. IN PEACE.

Oh, it's great, this movie.

He dies in the war and she opens a donkey sanctuary.

I mean, it's not like Kevin

isn't bursting with the typical Flynn charm and sex appeal.

Yeah, he's a constant temptation.

But Kev's always been cautious with women, he likes them to come to him.

Which is why he didn't have a girlfriend until he was 28.

Yeah, whereas Liam once pulled in six seconds. We timed him.

-That's a lovely fatherly story.

-Isn't it?

Um, you told it at our wedding.

So what are you going to do about Kevin?

Probably nothing. It's done the trick just talking about it.

No, come on! Look, this is a chance to help him,

especially now he's suffering.

Ah.

I was joking about the film, I'd never give the ending away.

But don't get too attached to that donkey.

You've ironed your tracksuit.

Hence the expression, pumping iron.

You missed a family workout.

-I've spent my life getting out of PE, I'm not going to get sporty now.

-Right.

You look really nervous.

Yeah, well, if I get this right, you know, it could be a new career.

Goodbye, forklifts, hello, bum lifts.

Yeah, I'll put that on my business card.

DOORBELL

Oh, it's you.

I've just delivered 200-quids' worth of balloons to Naimah.

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-It's all I had in the world.

Delivered them or inhaled them?

It didn't work. She told me she really doesn't want me back.

Surprised? DOORBELL

-Hi, Liam.

-Hi, Julie, come on in.

-Ready to strengthen that core?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Whoa.

-Hi.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Who are you?

Er, this is, this is Julie. Come, come through.

She looks pretty fit already.

Oh, I don't know, she is carrying a few extra pounds...of make-up.

Steve. Sit down.

-Do you know what it's like to be so in love you can hardly breathe?

-No.

How long you been training?

Oh, since I got beaten up by a girl at Sunday school.

We had a disagreement over the top five commandments.

-Can you show me, I'm not quite getting it.

-Yeah, sure, yeah.

Knock, knock.

Oh, sorry. I've left a sweaty mark.

Well, don't worry about it. I love sweat, it's liquid effort.

Should be able to buy it. OK.

-You are so strong.

-Nice and smooth.

And in the words of the Zen masters, the obstacle is the path.

CAROLINE LAUGHS

Erm...

Snippers. I'm just, er, teaching the kids how to, er... To prune.

Uncle Kevin said I should never trust a woman,

apart from Mum and nuns.

That's pretty standard behaviour for when you've been dumped.

-He bought her balloons.

-Balloons?

Yeah, even I can see that's rubbish.

-OK, next time, we'll concentrate on your tris and bis, all right?

-Sure.

Get them rhomboids to fire. So, are we so cool we're hot?

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

Bye, then.

Oh, yeah. Sorry, bye.

So...

-She seemed keen.

-Yeah, well, to be honest,

I've just lit the touchpaper, you know, she has to be the rocket.

Liam, she's not interested in training. She just fancies you.

See, you're just jealous. Teaching the kids how to prune.

I am not jealous,

I just don't want you to be deluded about your skills as a trainer.

-Julie does not fancy me.

-Yes, she does, Dad.

She does, Dad.

You think she does and then it turns out she's just playing an evil game.

Sorry, love.

You got an more Zen master sayings?

Well, there's one. It's...

It's...

Come to bed and get your clothes off.

Come on, Chloe, not on the kitchen table, love.

I'm catching up with world news. Gary Barlow's just bought a dog.

I need £5 for our visit to Stockport Art Museum.

Oh, bloody school trips.

In my day, we just sat on a carpet with some crayons.

Oh, God. Grandad Jim's trying to talk to us online.

Me dad? He's only just learned how to use the answer phone!

Hello? Hello?

Grandad calling.

Come in.

Over.

Morning, or bon matin, as they say over here.

-Where the hell are you?

-Guadalupe.

Tell Caroline, anything her parents can do, I can do better.

TOAST POPS UP

You going to butter your toast?

-What?

-I just heard your toaster pop up.

No, no, no. That'll be the diving board.

THE CHILDREN LAUGH

When are you going to grow up, Dad?

When I'm good and ready.

Listen. Is Kevin there?

No. He said he's off to sit in the park with the other sad people.

I was thinking, Caroline, after our chat, about how to help Kevin.

I'll tell you how. Take him off our hands. He's driving us crackers.

No, he's sweet.

I'm going to go round and see this girl.

Tell her how much she's made Kevin suffer and make her take him back.

-No?

-No.

I can't win with you people.

You all right?

Can you turn her off? She's scaring me.

Got to go, Pat, there's a fire.

Kevin, Kevin.

It's been a week now since... Now... Nowando?

Naimah.

Since she chucked you, and... I know it's really tough,

but you've got to get out there and find someone new.

And if not find someone new, you just need to...get out.

We're all worried about you. Look at us.

Like a coach party of social workers.

-She was so special. She's really special.

-Really special.

Voice like chocolate and velvet. Gorgeous, funny, super special.

I've just never known anyone so special.

Right, that's it. No, no. That's it.

Me and Caroline are going out for some us time. Right?

You're entertaining the kids.

Don't let him have a meltdown, not on the new carpet.

-Do you want to play Twister?

-No.

-No.

DOORBELL

I'm coming!

Oh, hi.

-Liam's expecting me for training.

-No. He's gone out for dinner.

Oh. Do you think he forgot?

I don't see how he could forget someone like you.

Thank you.

Erm... Do you want to start and see if he turns up?

Yeah, OK!

-Are you Naomi?

-No, I'm not.

-Nina.

-No.

-Nemo.

-No.

-Did you go out with Kevin Flynn until recently?

-Why? Who are you?

-His dad.

-Really?

-I know. It's hard to believe, isn't it?

No, I don't normally get my ex-boyfriends' dads on my doorstep.

-OK, fair enough.

-He hasn't done something to himself, has he?

Yes, he has, since you asked.

He's turned from a vibrant young man, who was kind and thoughtful,

into a lovesick zombie. And it's your fault.

What have you got to say to that?

Eh?

I'm not an expert but I'd say you do not need to work out.

-At all.

-You're so lovely.

So. What about you? You look pretty fit, too.

Oh, no, no. You're not going to see me with my shirt off.

Parents cover their kids' eyes.

Like, "Put your shirt on and sit down. We're trying to watch the film!"

THEY LAUGH

Ohh... Do you want to go out for a drink?

Yeah. Let's.

Yeah, and he also does that annoying thing

where he looks past you when you're speaking to him.

-That's true. Kevin does do that, yeah.

-And he never listens!

Don't get me wrong. I love him dearly, blah, blah, blah,

-but where is he when it's his round?

-BOTH: In the toilet!

Or pretends to have a panic attack.

Oh, I'm sorry, Jim.

I realised me and Kevin were never going to work out.

-Fair dos. Sounds like you got out just in time.

-Yeah.

-OK. I'll be on me way.

-Wait, I have something for Kevin.

Well, if one of me other sons ever finds himself unexpectedly single,

I'll suggest he gets in touch, eh?

-It was a nice thought.

-Yeah, it was.

But a box of chocolates would've been better.

-Hasn't thought it through, has he?

-No.

-Ta-da, then.

-See you, Jim.

We go to this tiny little thinker way up in the mountains.

(BORED) Yeah...

They treat us like locals there.

(BAD SPANISH ACCENT) "Hola, Pat, hola Alan. How are you?"

Hang on, Nan. Mum's back and she's dying to speak to you.

Oh...

I'll have to say something.

Just tell her the computer's exploded.

-No, I've got to tell her the truth.

-Really?

(EXASPERATED)Oh...

Oh, Mum! Buenos noches!

-Buenos noches.

-Yeah, that's what I said.

Where's Kevin?

He's gone out for a drink with your client slash admirer, Julie.

I forgot she was coming!

'Bue-nass-no-chez.'

No, no. More Spanish! Buenos...

Mum, you're contacting us too much,

you're lonely, you need to do something about it.

Thank God you said that, Caroline, love. I am a bit lonely.

It's so quiet here. You can hear a pin drop in that plaza.

You've seen one flamingo dancer, you've seen them all.

Bloody olive oil the whole time. I miss lard terribly.

Oh, Mum! There's something really weird happening to the computer.

It's like it's about to explode or something.

We'll just keep talking until it ca...

I'm actually just coming out of a bad relationship.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-Yeah.

You know it's bad when she opens the door to you and bursts into tears.

But it's cool now, cos I'm... I'm a free man. I'm free.

It's worked out really well, me and you being together like this.

-Yeah!

-Because I need you to tell me how to get into your brother's pants!

Oh... Great(!)

-..My pants?!

-God, what did I say?

..Else's pants! Never mine!

Oh, well. Never mind, eh?

SONG: "Hearts On Fire"

Oh, yeah!

-Hello, son.

-Dad.

-I've just been round to Naimah's house.

Yeah, I kind of gathered that from the balloons.

-I wanted to tell her she's making a big mistake.

-Thanks.

You better get in. I'm worried the car's about to take off.

Come on home.

-What about your mate?

-I've dumped him.

-Brilliant.

Hey, she's nice, though, isn't she?

Naimah? She is, yeah.

To be honest, I didn't really need these balloons back.

You never know. You might find a girl you fancy on the way home.

She can have them.

-Am I clear on the left?

-Yeah, you're fine.

# Strong desire

# Rages deep within... #

MUSIC IS CUT OFF

Just the man I'm looking for.

-Why's that?

-Erm... My upper body needs some work.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

SONG: "Wonderwall"

Oh...

Come here.

I'm thinking of giving up this gym idea.

Are you sure? I promise I'll be more supportive.

No, no. I just don't want to spoil something I enjoy.

It's like when Dad tried to make his own little wine vineyard.

-Remember?

-Pinot Flingio. How could I forget?

Yeah, the Chateauneuf du crap, we ended up calling it.

-Come here.

-What're you doing?

Jogging.

SONG CHANGES TO DANCE MUSIC

I'll change the music.

No, no, wait, wait. We'll just do it really fast!

Yeee ha!

# I know it's going to be all right

# For ever, I'll be by your side

# For everyone you love

# For everyone you feel

# I'm never giving up

# Until the dream is real. #