You're Only Young Twice In With the Flynns

# For anyone who loves

# For anyone who feels

# I'm never giving up

# Until the dream is real

# Until the dream is real #

Mikey! Mikey, over the other lace there and wind it round.

-What's wrong with Velcro?

-Does David Cameron wear Velcro shoes?

Eh? Does Wayne Rooney? Wayne probably does actually, but...

-What's the formula for helium?

-I don't know! Just look it up!

Right... who's taken me washing-up gloves?

Who's taken me washing-up gloves?!

Dad, you sound like an old washer woman.

That's it, I'm going barefoot. That could be, like, my thing.

Well, get another thing, Mowgli(!)

Come here. Just... Give it here.

Right...first, you make your laces into little bunny ears.

I'm not a little kid.

-You make your laces into strippers' underwear bows.

-Dad!

Hello! It's your friendly, local superbad grandad.

-Hi, Grandad.

-Hello.

-Dad, Dad, do you fancy babysitting?

No, I'm not stopping. I lead a full life, you know.

I bought you a present.

It's not another Man City tray, is it?

-The last one mysteriously got lost somewhere near Stretford dump.

-No, it's a painting by me.

You can't paint a wall!

Well, I took on board your suggestion that I need a new hobby.

-And this is...?

-You and Caroline.

I put myself in the background.

Well, you look young and handsome.

Well, art is truth and truth is art.

Aren't you going to put it on the wall?

You try and stop me.

Seriously, try and stop me.

No, I'm... I'm just joking. It's beautiful, Dad. Well done.

Yeah, I think I've captured you nicely. I did it from a photo.

-What, of me and Caroline?

-Well, I'm not going to use a picture of The Krankies, am I?

-Where's Caroline?

-She's on late shifts.

Another reason why my life's so annoying at the moment.

Oh...that's...

breathtaking!

Hey, Chlo, what are you doing? You can't go out!

I've got a meeting with Mother Very Superior ten minutes ago.

Well, I can't baby-sit, I've got study group.

That'd better be for real.

I will superglue you to the front of the house as a warning to other teenagers.

Do you want me to fail my GCSEs, end up on the scrapheap and never leave home?

You're right. Yes, you go, work hard, study.

Hey, Dad, come on! Put your full life on hold.

Sit down and relax... with clueless science boy and barefoot kid in there.

Right? Right, boys, I'm off! I'm going to get shouted at by a mad woman in a penguin suit.

You've got three kids in this school. Give something back, you selfish lowlife.

Is this because I buried the school bell in 1992?

-No.

-Good! Good, see, cos I think we can laugh about it now, can't we?

We'll give it another 20 years.

There's a list of school projects, choose one.

-HE SIGHS HEAVILY

-I'll make a cake.

It's for the Catholic inter-schools cake contest, and we're attempting a world-record-sized carrot cake.

Right, well, I'm not doing that. Erm...

Yeah, I'll make a new nativity crib.

Good, that's for the inter-schools crib of the year, so it better be good.

-You don't need animals as well, do ya?

-Of course we need animals, it's a pigging nativity crib.

A bit unnecessary.

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS, DOOR SLAMS

Oh, come here, love. I could do with the healing power of your thighs wrapped around me.

Well, I'd give it a go, but are you sure?

Sorry, I know it's a bit late,

but I was on me way home and I thought you might like me to drink some of your beer.

Anyone in the north you haven't speed-dated?

HE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY

Maybe you're ready for a bit of middle-distance dating.

I was having a kickabout with me mates from Gamblers Anonymous, actually.

Ooh, I'd love to see that.

You can't stand the idea that I have a great life as a single man, can you?

Hiya! Ooh, you been speed-dating, Kev?

No. Well, yes, I did have a quick one early on.

How's tonight been, love?

Oh, usual, you know. Chores, homework, broke up a fight about whether Mikey was a squirt or a tit.

Oh, and your mum rang.

Updated me on her hot flushes, apparently they're very hot... even by Spanish standards.

-Ah, well.

-Oh, yeah, there's more.

Yeah, I...burnt some bills,

very nearly got depressed... until I remembered that Dad has painted us a picture.

-That's not supposed to be me and you?

-Yes, it is.

I look like a witch with a crow on me head!

-I've been dead for a fortnight!

-That's not actually a bad painting that, is it?

Yes, if it was called "Two Zombies with George Clooney".

SHE SIGHS

Why didn't you tell your dad we're not having it in the house?

Because his little face was all proud and needy.

His little face?!

All right, his massive, stupid moon face.

It's our fault...we encouraged that.

Or, how about...pottery?

I don't want to make pots. There are already too many pots in the world!

Well, why don't you just research our family history?

I know our history. We drink a lot and have the ability to knock out a horse with one punch.

And that's just the women.

We just think it's important for older people to keep active.

I've worked hard all me life. I've earned the right to just flop here like a rather elegant polar bear.

What about amateur dramatics?

HE GROANS

-Cycling?

-Sweaty.

-Stamp collecting?

-Have you seen the price of stamps lately?

-Astronomy?

-Spooky.

How about painting?

All right, if I take up painting, will you shut up and leave me alone?

Be careful what we wish for, eh?

-HE GROANS

-Oh, I'm so bored!

Sorry. It can't be easy watching me having it all.

You, having it all?!

Yeah, you know what I mean - younger, out every night, lots of different women.

Yeah, speed dating.

Yes, but I'm my own boss, aren't I?

You know, mates, bands, booze,

chicken costume.

What?

It was... Long story.

More boozing, parties, fun.

Well, so? I could have all that if I wanted.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Course you could. Clear it with the missus,

park your kids at social services and come on down(!)

No, it's OK, no. I've got the job and the loving family.

-You try managing one of those.

-Having kids is easy,

you just take 'em down the park, play on the swings.

I do that already.

Fine, and the job?

My CV's out there.

I've read it, yeah, it's definitely out there.

Who wants a job anyway? It gets in the way of partying.

Do you know what? I've had enough of this. I'm not finished.

-When are you going out with your mates again?

-Tomorrow.

I'm coming with you. I'll show you I've still got it.

-You have not.

-What?

All right, yeah, but you've just got to promise not to make a fool of yourself.

Party on!

We-ey! Hey, do you know what - let's get, let's watch a movie.

We'll get some vodka... and I know - let's order a pizza.

Yeah, do you know what we should do? Let's do street dance.

-I'll have a cup of tea.

-No, come on! No, this is...

This is the night time, it's where dreams come true,

it's where we can go, like, crazy.

Well, OK. I'll have some toast with that cup of tea.

-Hey!

-What time do you call this?

It's half past 12! Sorry, love, did I wake you up?

How was football?

Oh, it was just fantastic.

I feel... Do you know what, I feel like 16 again - you know,

without any spots and with regular sex.

-How many pints have you had?

-He's had about...

Yo, no! Don't, don't tell her!

She'll just hold it against me.

No, I won't - don't make me sound like a naggy wife.

-Four.

-Four?! Is that all? Look at the state of yer!

He's a cheap date these days. Built like a truck, drinks like a girl.

-Yeah, well, you look like a girl.

-GIGGLES INANELY

So come on, tell me what you all got up to

without using the words "vomited" or "on a policeman".

Well, we had our kickabout, which Liam took very seriously.

Come on!

Then we drank, then we went to a club

so Liam could catch up on the "rap scene",

and then he chased a squirrel across the A6.

I'd have caught him as well, he just went up a tree.

What are the chances of that, hey?

Hey, do you want, do you want a sandwich?

Do you want a drink, do you want a drink? I do!

We-ey! Look who it is.

Only Mary, eh?

Do you want a drink, Mary?

Ooh, she said although she's breastfeeding

she'll have half a lager. Cheeky.

Come on, let's go.

Well, let's at least admire his energy.

Mm. I suppose that's what happens

when you ram a cork into a bottle of cheap, fizzy cider for 16 years.

What am I in this analogy?

You're...

You're the cork?

Or are you the cider, and his cork's the...

Don't do analogies, Kevin.

# Surely you will find me caught beneath the landslide... #

What's in your sandwich?

Toast. I found it in the toaster.

Anyway. Night, mate. And you, Liam.

'Night, Kevin. Maybe it's time for bed, love.

What? no! I'm not wasting any more precious seconds of me life.

Look at this, look.

Look at that, I'm getting older.

Life's disappearing.

Love, we... We should be out every night,

you know, chasing squirrels.

Every night?

Do you want your special hot drink?

No! I'm too young and funky for a special hot drink.

Although it might not be a bad idea, this sandwich is a bit dry.

I think you might regret this in the morning, love.

Nah, come here. Hey?

Do you remember when we used to stay up all night

-and just go straight to school?

-Ooh, yeah.

If I move away, will you fall over?

I wouldn't risk it, love. Mm.

Come on, kids, hurry up, we're late.

Morning, Liam.

Morning, Sister Mary.

Leaving aside why you look like an extra from Dawn Of The Dead,

-I've got a question for you.

-Good.

Er, stay, Chloe. And go and scrape off that make-up -

you look like a stripper.

Liam, these boys have been arguing about the offside law -

explain it to them, please.

OK.

And I'm expecting a spectacular crib.

Don't flake out on me.

I know it may not seem like it, but I've got faith in you.

Brilliant.

Right, boys.

Offside, right? Basically you've...

You've got, like, two...two players, right, on the back line...

You were off your face last night, weren't you?

So, why are you going out again?

What? Seizing the day. Catching up on having it all.

Yes, how do WE fit into the "all"?

Oh, we can easily fit into the hall. Woo!

I missed out, too, you know.

While my mates were larging it in The Hacienda,

I was with Postman Pat and his black and white stupid cat.

-Anyway, Kevin and his friends need me.

-Are you sure?

Yes. I've brought organisation and structure to their kickabouts.

Hang on to your hats - it's Jimmy Flynn,

-the thinking woman's crumpet.

-All right, Jim.

Caroline, the, paint... The crap painting!

I've come round to help Mikey with his laces for half an hour.

He's cracked the bunny ears, but he's still struggling

to get them through the rabbit holes.

Right, well, he's upstairs. Cheers, Dad, just go on up.

Did Caroline like the painting?

Yes, but...

I'll let her choose her... her own words, Dad, eh?

Caroline? Carefully.

Yeah, it's...

To be honest, Jim, it's...

nothing short of sensational.

Look at the brushwork there on my witchy face.

Well, you know what they say -

you're no oil painting, but you are now.

Whereas on your side of the painting, it seems to be 1985.

Yeah, still, what an achievement, eh? Let's not analyse it.

Yeah, I'm currently in the middle of a still life with melons.

-BOTH:

-Oh-h-h.

-Right, well, listen - we're going out, Dad, so...

-Oh, where to?

I'm working, Liam's going out again in search of the fountain of youth.

-I'll go and help Mikey with his laces.

-Oh, cheers Dad.

Just tell your dad we hate the painting.

-But it'll kill him.

-It's worth the risk.

Right, bye. Study group.

Whoa, hey! What are you studying tonight - allegedly?

The triangle intercept theorem.

All right, go on then.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-I'll get that.

So, are you ready for your evening?

Oh, aye. Oh, 'ey! Look at this.

New kit, proper, my idea.

Oh, very good.

This is Joyce.

Hiya Joyce, ignore my husband, he's a bit confused.

All right, love?

So, er, Chloe tells us that you're the most sensible girl in the class.

Not exactly very hard though, is it?

Right, be firm with Steve and Mikey.

They once locked a baby-sitter in the garage for the whole evening.

Yeah, don't fall for the

"Come and see our broken picnic table" routine.

Help yourself to whatever you want.

Boys, we're going!

No, through the bloody rabbit hole! What are you, an idiot?

Mum, Grandad called me an idiot.

Jim, these days we try to use positive reinforcement.

All right then, you're an idiot with a good-looking grandad.

Joyce, we're going! Right then, let's do this.

Are you sure you need another night on the town?

Oh aye, smell the possibilities.

I think that might be the bins.

Come on! Let's get this party started.

All right, come on in, come on in, sit yourselves down,

make yourself feel at home. Come on, come on through.

Right, we've got you home, OK?

Can we go before you wake everyone up?

Shh shh shh shh shh, listen to this.

DANCE MUSIC BLARES

Eh?

Too loud? Is it a bit loud?

-What's this, Liam?

-It's not bad, is it? I think he's got a real talent.

Whoa no, no, no, no, no, no this is just a picture of The Krankies

and I don't even know what it's doing here.

-Oi, look who it is! It's Caroline!

-Hello.

ALL: All right?

Yeah she's very, very special. We've been together for 93 years.

Hey, and here's me daughter Chloe!

Who is famous for sleeping in her lipstick

and is going straight back to bed.

I just wanted to say hello!

-Me house.

-I'll make some coffee.

Wait, no, no, no, we can't have sex in the kitchen! We've got guests!

-Phwoar! I'm just mucking around.

-Liam.

Of course we can have sex in the kitchen.

-I think they want to go home.

-Why would they want to do that?

I'll make 'em all a sandwich.

Don't make 'em a sandwich.

See that, see, why do they go on about housing shortages?

Right, I made that in two days.

Hey, how was our quiet little baby-sitter?

Yeah, great. I found the boys locked in the garage

and her dry-humping her boyfriend on the tumble dryer.

No. Yeah well, good for her, bags of spirit. Get in, you, wicked.

Do something about him. He's embarrassing me in front of my team.

Oh, he's just being over enthusiastic.

He's worse than that.

You know when you feed a dog loads of brandy and get it drunk?

-No.

-He's out of control, Caroline. I, I don't know what to do.

Well, put his lead back on and tie it to a tree for a couple of hours.

-I meant Liam.

-So did I.

Look, if he's that embarrassing

just tell him he can't come out with you any more.

Well, we would - except he's offered for you to wash the kit, so...

Oh, I see.

Well, where are all his mates his own age?

Well, having kids, finally.

Oh, look. he don't meet anyone. He's always at home washing up

or playing Jenga with the kids.

So technically he's right, he does need to get out more.

Awww.

He's just got to get it out of his system.

Come on, what about your rights?

Go on.

Well, who cleans up after fun boy here? You do, don't you?

Might as well lie down and I'll paint "Doormat" on you.

-Because he's walking all over you.

-Yes, I get it.

Oh...

I thought you were back in bed.

I recognise you. You were in The Bull's Head

the night before last with some lads.

No, I wasn't.

You were in the pub on your study group night?

You know what, we did take a quick break for an orange juice,

one of our five fruit and veg of the day.

We trusted you.

Well, that's it, then. No, that's it.

You, you're not going out until you can act more responsibly.

In, in, in a responsibility way.

And be more responsible yourself. Right, bed.

Who's up for a shot of summat I found in the back of the cupboard?

Urgh, it tastes like acid!

It's probably Windolene.

Ooh, one more.

Of course I'm not staying in tonight. Going out's fun, I'm fun.

Did you pack the bags under your eyes yourself?

Don't panic, it's your friendly local hunk of burning lurve.

-Last night, did we, did we break his...?

-Yeah, we did.

It's there, quick, quick, quick. Oh, look at it!

All right, mend it, mend it, restore it, come on.

I've bought a present for Mikey.

Is it a painting of him looking about 40?

-Why are we doing this?

-We hate it!

-For the same reason we kept

Chloe's pictures on the fridge for ten years.

-Where's my painting?

-Oh, erm, Dad,

there's erm, summat...

-Summat terrible happened last night.

-Oh?

Caroline, tell Dad what happened.

No, you do it.

Right Dad, listen, we had some lads round last night, right?

And...and...one of them nicked it.

No.

Yeah.

Nicked it, yeah. Bold as brass.

Bloody art lovers.

-WHISPERS:

-Don't overdo it.

-(Sorry.)

So what's Mikey's present?

Oh, er, slip-ons. I bought them at a car boot sale, no laces.

Wow, that's going to attract crowds in the playground.

Yeah, yeah, thanks, Dad, but you know,

Mikey, he's got to learn to tie his laces. He's 11.

Charlotte Church had already played the Albert Hall.

-Good point, well made, love.

-Thank you.

I can baby-sit tonight if you're desperate, after my art class.

Oh, thanks Jim, but Chloe's offered to baby-sit

for the next five years.

We've got a life model in.

Oh, aye, yeah. You're not fooling me, that means nude. Is it a woman?

It's all the same to me.

The human form is comely in all shapes and sizes.

But if it's not a woman I'm off.

I'm not staring at some bloke's meat and two veg for three hours. Here.

Study group. Study grope more like.

-Aye, a good play on words there, love.

-Thank you.

OK, I did a bad thing

but I'm only trying to have a good time like Dad.

-She's got a point.

-No, she hasn't!

Oh, yeah, thanks for Joyce.

If we'd have wanted an evil baby-sitter

-we'd have got your nan in.

-She's very quiet in Geography.

Er, have you finished that nativity crib?

The school keep asking about it.

Yeah, I can't be bothered. Anyway, I'm going out tonight, aren't I?

That's the thing about having a laugh,

it's just the same as anything else, you've gotta practise.

Yeah, life's too short, so I've cancelled my overtime

and I'm going out tonight, too.

You're not just doing this cos I'm going out, are you?

No. I want to see my friends. And unlike you,

we won't be chasing squirrels and drinking till we fall over.

Party on!

What time do you call this?

Erm, don't tell me, is it sense of humour failure o'clock?

Ooh... She'll come off when she's ready.

Wa-a-a-ay! All right? I beat you by five minutes.

Story of our sex life.

THEY LAUGH

It's amazing I'm not more screwed up.

Oh, Chloe. Come on, love. Chloe, come back, come here.

Chloe, right I admit...

I've called you back now and I...

and I'm, I don't know what to do with ya.

Sorry, sorry.

And, er, what have you been doing tonight?

Oh - 'ey, I challenged that cocky Adam from football

to a run-off around town.

Liam, he's 19.

Exactly, plus en route we stopped off at, like, ten different pubs,

where we had to have, like, half a lager,

a packet of crisps, a bit like a triathlon.

Did you come first?

Yeah, I was...I was ahead the whole way.

Oh, you're so special.

Yeah, that's what I thought. Then I realised I was pranked, weren't I?

He had the first half and then went home.

THEY LAUGH

Sister Mary rang.

She hates me, Sister Mary.

To say that that's needed tomorrow

for the Inter-Schools Crib of the Year. Have fun.

Good luck, 24-hour party person,

you've got, ee-ee, five and a half hours.

Night-night.

What's it like being drunk?

Men look hot, everything's hilarious, worries disappear,

it's like magic.

And then this happens.

One nativity crib.

All the majesty of the birth of Jesus with a dose of realism.

Nappy sack there.

The lamb has crapped underfoot,

and one of the wise men have brought an age-inappropriate present

just like your mum and dad always do.

Oh, well done, love.

Right, assemble, the Flynns! I'll take you to school!

LIAM SIGHS

You passed out, love.

Oh, I've got to go to work!

Four hours ago. I phoned in sick for you, just relax.

You look like I feel.

I've officially not got it any more.

I, I just wanted what I missed out on in me teens and me 20s.

You know, staying up all night.

Not going to happen now, is it?

You WERE up all night in your teens and 20s.

Changing nappies, warming bottles, wiping sick off your shoulder.

Oh, yeah. Happy days, eh?

-Can I go to bed now?

-Yes, love.

Want an apple?

Oh, I'd love one.

-There you go.

-Thanks.

So come on, how do I look?

Better. Me?

No, the same.

Come here, babe.

Ah, I'm sorry about all that.

And what was I thinking? Why didn't you just stop me going out?

Because you had to work it out for yourself.

Hey, I can have you tagged if you like.

Wouldn't be a bad idea for Chloe.

Yeah, I'll look into it.

Hey, I'm sorry the nativity crib fell out of the car

and got crushed by a van.

Aye, well, it sums up the week.

-It's me.

-And me.

What happened to the pair of hellraisers that used to live here?

Well, watching nature documentaries.

It's a sad state of affairs when... Ooh, a mongoose!

Kevin told me you smashed my painting.

-Erm...

-Oh, Jim, there was nothing wrong with the painting.

It was just that it made us look your age.

God, at last. Did you really think I think you look that bad?

Well, why did you give it to us then?

To stop you banging on about me getting a hobby.

Oh, that's it, don't give him any fruit.

Hey, Grandad, I've learned how to tie my laces.

Well done. So the ugly shoes did the trick, you see? Ha-ha.

Yeah, I'm cleverer than I look.

He's tied all the shoes in the house together.

Yeah, double knots.

Ooh lads, I've left something at the front door,

can you go and get it for me?

Well, this is cosy.

Yes, this is the future. Goodbye booze, hello blanket on my knees.

Hey Kevin, you can win that contest.

I mean, I don't have it all and I don't want it all.

Er, I'd obviously swap my life for yours in a heartbeat.

Aww.

Not for your kids and your personality

but I do like your house and your telly.

Oh - thanks lads, ta.

I've been feeling bad about your painting

so, er, this is for you.

Oh, oh yeah, how did your, er, your nude class go?

-Oh, she blew us out.

-Oh, gutting.

So they told us to do a nude self-portrait from memory.

OK. Burn it!

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