Secrets and Wives In With the Flynns

# For anyone who loves

# For anyone who feels

# I'm never giving up

# Until the dream is real

# Until the dream is real. #

-Hello, Ted.

-Hello.

What is it today, the wheelie bin half an inch over?

My aunt's sick, could you let the electrician in?

What, are you having it re-wired?

-I hope she's not too ill.

-Death's door.

But on the plus side - she's loaded!

Urgh, creep. We don't owe that tangerine nutbag any favours.

How many times have we asked him

to sort that weird humming noise in his house?

Yes. Well, now we can do something about it.

You looked after your friend Graham's keys,

now he is not your friend Graham.

Don't you ever learn?

This is wrong, Liam.

Shhh. I'm sure I lent him our tent.

Let's have a little rummage.

Hee-hee, come on, it's funny, come on.

Look at his swanky bathroom.

Ah, oh. Oh, don't go in the bedroom, please.

Come on, we've got to have a look.

I've always thought he was a bit of a furry handcuff sort of bloke.

Graham!

Back early?

Yeah, just a day.

Oh, erm, yeah, we just sort of...

We came to check that you know it was all, erm...

-Everything was sound, you know.

-Thanks.

Is Sandra still away?

Yes.

-She's back tomorrow, so....

-Oh, right.

That... That'll be nice, won't it, yeah, to have her back.

-Anyway, er...

-Yeah, of course, yeah, you, I can see you've got your...

Yeah, we're going to, yeah... We'll go, er...

It's nice to meet you, love.

Why do we never do it in the afternoon?

That's the lesson you get from that?

Well, Ted's definitely away

and we can finally find out what that noise is.

-End the years of torment.

-You've only mentioned it twice.

End the minutes of mild curiosity.

Please don't go into next door, Liam.

-You're doing your face.

-I am.

I prefer your "I love you" face.

Quite partial to the "drunk as a fart" face.

All right, I promise you I won't go in next door.

KEYS JINGLE

RINGTONE MUSIC: "Funeral March" by Chopin

PHONE BEEPS OFF

You don't get many calls, Dad, can you afford not to answer one?

This is good stuff. Thanks, Kev.

Kevin bought the drinks?

Without you grabbing him by the throat

and pushing him against the wall?

I can afford to now, I've just launched a major new business.

-Ooh!

-What is it, does it involve the phrase,

"Wash your car for 50p, mister?"

Educational services, actually.

Oh, yeah, is it the much anticipated Kevin's University?

It's extra maths tuition for kids, actually.

Not ones with problems though, just thickies.

No, no, yeah, I know,

I think I've seen your post card in the newsagents next to Alan Sugar's.

You can scoff.

Yeah, thanks, I will, yeah. You? Maths?

Well you're just jealous aren't you - 312 divided by 8?

I know that.

-(CROAKING)

-No, you don't.

Yeah, the answer is - what do I care? I'm a forklift truck driver?

39, that's maybe why you're a forklift truck driver.

Hey, yeah.

Oh, come on, Dad, who is it? Is it your fancy woman?

Oh, no, he's taking a break from dating

-after he asked out a lollipop man last week.

-No!

I was wearing the wrong glasses.

You didn't?

Hey, Dad, don't rule anyone out.

I mean, especially if they can walk you across a road(!)

It's-it's just someone from me old job, they want me to call them back.

Well, call them back, then.

No, it's an accountant - they're scary and vicious.

It's weird, I'm going to bed, you can finish that.

He left some beer, he must be really upset.

Yeah, it's not the phone call though, it's his old firm's going bust.

-They went bust?

-He's been going on about it all night.

Are you listening to Dad?

When he's talking?

I'm going as well.

Ooh, have you got a new, slightly-camp car?

No, they're Ted's keys from next door.

Ooh, Tangerine Ted from the mystery humming house.

Yeah, that's him, yeah. Well, he's gone away and...

No, no, I can't.

Caroline made me promise that I can't go and check his gaff out.

-Well she did the face.

-Which one?

Yeah, well...

-It couldn't do any harm, could it?

-All right.

-Come on, Kev.

Come on.

Hey, hey. I'll be lookout.

I don't need one. I've got the keys, haven't I? I'm allowed to go in.

-For Caroline.

-I'm not scared of me wife, shut up.

HUMMING

Well, don't turn the light on, she might look out the window.

It sort of defeats the object of snooping if I can't see anything.

Ooh-argh.

Argh.

They should get an electrician in to see to that.

Oh, me neck.

Caroline is always right, why don't you just do what she says?

HUMMING

DOOR OPENS

-Hiya, love.

-Hiya.

Did you men put the world to rights?

I know last time you decided Beyonce should be Mayor of Manchester.

Yeah I'm...

(GROANING) I can't remember. I'm just... I'm going to go straight up.

-Oh, I'm...

-Paralytic?

How do you know?

Ah, no, I'm...yeah, I just...

Goodnight, love.

HUMMING INTENSIFIES

SHE SIGHS

Maybe Ted's keeping a giant bee.

It just, sort of, gradually got worse through the day.

I was in agony.

It was not helped by people asking me where I got me chunky necklace.

Do you want me to draw an Adam's apple on so no-one notices?

Signed off work for the rest of the week.

Oh, worth it then?

Did-did you tell Caroline how it happened?

-Not as such.

-What are you going to tell her?

Well, I thought about it and weighed up all me options

and I've decided that...

I'm going to lie.

Yeah, that's smart. I'll back you up.

-Cheers, Kev.

-Pleasure. And I want very little in return.

You're not going to blackmail a man wearing a neck doughnut?

Dude, it hurts me to do it, but I am going to have to do me teaching here

-Why?

-Well, Dad scares kids - the big face?

The miserable chops,

the Dalmatian skin coat.

No, no, well Caroline hates it

when I lend the house out to recovering gamblers.

-No offence.

-None taken.

-So, no, you can't.

-I thought you weren't scared of her.

-I'm not.

If anything, she's scared of me. HE SCOFFS

-Don't tell her I said it.

-That's her.

You're not going to shriek and jump into me arms?

Oh, love, what have you done?

-Have you broke your neck, Dad?

-No, he'd be dead.

Does it hurt sweetheart?

Oh no it's just a bit of whiplash, it's all right.

Look, go and do your homework.

-What happened?

-Yeah, what happened?

I, erm, I don't really want to talk about it, you know,

I just keep getting flashbacks of boxes falling and just...

Falling boxes is a major cause of whiplash, isn't it(?)

No, I drove the forklift truck into a tower of boxes, you know,

and I sort of stopped suddenly.

What's the top speed? Five miles an hour?

I think a snail's got more chance of whiplash, don't you?

-Yeah, it does seem weird.

-Quick, stop that tortoise.

Oh, no, it's too late, it just hit some boxes.

It's amazing how easy it is to hurt someone badly.

They don't take safety seriously at that place.

-Hmm, yeah, you should sue 'em.

-Exactly.

But they were very good to me.

-The-the boss drove me to the hospital.

-Cor.

Yeah, in his Lexus.

Yeah, he let me choose the music and everything.

I'll bet he did, he knows you can squeeze him dry.

-I'm not doing that.

-Why not?

Yeah, why not...boss's man?

Because it would be like blackmail.

-(SCOFFING)

-What on earth is wrong with blackmail?

Look, it's just a few days off work, right?

I'll be fine at home cos Kevin will be here doing his teaching.

-Yes.

-Oh, will he now?

Caroline, just leave me alone, I'm not very well.

-Found our first maths moron.

-Get in.

-What have you got to do with it?

-Head of recruitment.

Vice President of HR Europe when we go global.

-I get 10% of anyone I bring in.

-Hmm.

-Right, who's the sucker?

-Sammy, aka Mince.

-Mince, because...?

-Because he is thick as mince.

And the answer is...?

And it's...?

And...?

And the answer...?

Is it 40 to 1?

Hey, top man. So nearly, we're getting closer.

It's actually three to one.

Oi! I was supposed to be lying on that couch watching telly.

Doctor's orders.

Now, Sammy, lots of kids your age say, "What use is maths to me?"

That's what my brother, Liam, here used to say,

Look at him, he's a warning from history.

I'm not doing history, just maths.

Exactly, wise words. Go on, off you go.

Give me five.

It's usually just one whole hand if we...

Well, don't give up your day job, Kev.

-Oh, you haven't got one(!)

-That doesn't actually make sense

because when you're trying to negate two...

# Oh, you're so boring No-one even likes you. #

I'm being followed.

Quick, quick, Dad, here, quick! Come and hide in this special cupboard we've got for paranoid pensioners.

Snazzy polo neck.

Jim, I've been chasing you since Snappy Snaps,

didn't you hear me calling?

Oh, I thought you were special branch.

-Why special branch?

-Because I'm special.

I thought you couldn't hear because of that daft hat.

Oh, that hat's a disguise, Dad, that's brilliant!

Me past is catching up with me. I've done terrible things.

Are you Lord Lucan?

No, of course not!

I'm thinking...crimes against fashion?

-I don't want to say.

-Well, whatever it is, Dad, we're right behind you.

Pushing you into t'police car.

Thanks for taking my plight seriously.

-Well, tell us what you did!

-Well...

-You know me old firm just went bust?

-It went bust?

-Shut up, Kevin.

There's a big hole in the accounts - fraud.

And when I was there, I...I did some thieving.

Dad!

That's terrible, I'm devastated!

We all are.

Hmm.

What, just me, then?

YOU use the towels I bring back from work.

Yeah, well, they're super fluffy.

BOTH: They are super fluffy, aren't they?

He's Dad, you know his catchphrase.

"I'm Jim, who the hell are you?"

No, the other one, "You can't buy a clear conscience."

-Well, I was right, wasn't I?

-I always nick from work.

I'm very reward focused, I'll probably nick that telly later.

Well, what was this thieving?

If I tell you, you'll be an accessory.

Yeah, you're right, don't tell us.

They're going through the books, they'll find out.

Have you really not got a fiddle at work?

No, no, I don't believe in all this "something for nothing."

THAT, that is why I'm not going for compensation on me neck.

-Come with me, Jim.

-What for?

We'll find you a better disguise.

What bra size are you?

HUMMING

DOOR SLAMS

Is that the humming from Ted's?

Yeah, I'm beginning to think it isn't a big bee.

Maybe it's someone playing a didgeridoo.

What? Is that worse than your big-bee theory?

Why doesn't Liam want compensation?

Well he's a deeply moral man at heart.

You're doing the face.

Yes, I am.

Will you teach me the face?

How did Liam really hurt himself?

Er, forklift into the boxes and the flashbacks and the...

and argh...

Like a mad game of Tetris and...

As far as I know, anyway.

I know you know. That's why he's letting you teach here, isn't it?

Yes, all right! Stop pushing me. He did it next door.

He went in to find out about the hum and he ended up getting

an electric shock off some dodgy wiring, but don't tell him I said.

There's so much fear in this house.

I don't want him to know I know.

He's not going to find out from me. Can I still do me teaching here?

Not ripping anyone off, are you?

Don't do the face.

Just pull your finger out, you useless, lazy bag of bones.

Second - that's rubbish, innit?

I hate horse racing.

And the winner is a horse, followed by another horse,

followed by a few more horses - brilliant.

What's the answer, Sammy?

Well, you times it by 11.

So it's £412.67.

Eh? No, hang on. How did you work that out? Give it here.

Oh, Sammy, I've actually taught you something.

Brilliant, you got it right. Hey-hey!

Oi, oi, Mr Chips - his hour's up!

-I want to change the channel.

-Thanks, Kev.

It's Professor Flynn to you, and you're welcome, son.

Job satisfaction, it's the little things, innit?

-Good for you, Kev.

-He left his lunch box.

Now, don't be angry.

No, Caroline, that's never a good start.

It's usually followed by, "I'm pregnant."

This is Terry,

he's a solicitor specialising in personal-injury cases.

-Caroline!

-I was very moved when I heard your story, moved and angry,

really boiling angry.

Well, I'm tempted to say you should get out more.

-How can they do this to you?

-It's just a sore neck.

If you let them get away with that, what will happen next time?

You could lose a leg.

Or an arm and a leg, that's my personal nightmare, that.

Caroline would be happy - she'd have more room down the middle of the bed, she's always complaining.

It's time to man up, Brian.

It's Liam.

It's time to man up, Liam.

You know what? Yes, it is, yeah. There's the door.

Hey, what?

I'd rather deal with this on my own, thank you very much. Get out.

-Liam, what are you doing?

-You heard, sling it! Get out.

Hey, don't come running to me when you lose a leg.

Get out. Listen, mind the step, I can't afford to be sued.

DOOR SLAMS

Caroline, we're not going for compensation.

Pay the mortgage with your principles, shall we?

Well, in the words of me dad, before he became a criminal.

"I'm Jim, who the hell are you?"

No, no, the other one about a clear conscience.

What aren't you telling me, Liam? Last chance.

Nothing, I...

I'm not very well.

Thanks for the back up(!)

-All right?

-All right.

You all right, tealeaf?

I've got nothing to apologise for.

Overall, I'm as honest as the day is long.

Yeah, I'm thinking December 21st, Lapland.

I'm kidding, Dad, you'll be all right, you'll be fine.

I'm no better. I've been less than honest to Caroline recently.

Hmm.

I always regret that your mother went to her grave not knowing.

How much you loved her?

God, I knew there was something else.

Dad!

No, that I'd swapped her wedding dress

for a ticket to watch City at the 1981 cup final.

-That gnawed away inside me.

-Good.

-So we both know confession's good for the soul.

-OK.

I topped up me car with diesel at work.

Only a little bit.

Is that it?

How much?

I don't know, 20 quid.

That's only two fluffy towels(!)

They sound really fluffy, these towels.

They are, don't get me started.

But, er...

I did top up a few times.

Well, you know, that bumps it up a bit.

-Maybe 100.

-You greedy git.

Well, you must feel better telling someone.

Yeah, I'm walking on air(!)

Puts your fib to Caroline into perspective, though, doesn't it?

Caroline, look I-I went next door, right.

That's how I hurt me neck. I lied to you, I'm sorry.

Caroline, Caroline.

I went next door and that's how I hurt me neck.

I lied to you and I'm sorry.

Oh, hi, love. Sorry, were you saying something?

I am going to take you out for dinner

when this comes off, cos you've been amazing.

Oh, you are a love.

Aw.

DOOR BANGS

-Are you all right, Jim?

-No, I'm not all right.

Let's face it, I'm going to prison.

Which would be OK if I wasn't so pretty.

To be fair, I wouldn't worry about that, Jim.

It's always been one of me fears

that I'll end up with a police record.

Which one, Roxanne or Message In A Bottle?

Caroline, stop it, come on, it's serious.

Is it Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic?

-Sorry, I couldn't help it.

-Shut up and help me get out of this.

Dad, Dad, Dad, just relax.

Why don't you go and lay low with Caroline's mum and dad in Spain?

I'd rather go to prison.

RINGTONE MUSIC: "Funeral March" by Chopin

PHONE BEEPS OFF

Dad, just relax.

Here you are, I'll tell you, Steve needs a sports jockstrap,

-will you take him and buy him one for us?

-Yeah, all right.

-Thanks, Jim.

-Cheers, Dad.

What exactly is a jock strap? I don't think I've ever seen one.

It's just a strap to help keep your hat on.

Do you Flynns have a problem with telling the truth?

All right, it's a cloth, or leather, testicle shield.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

Hey, let's ring that number Dad's so paranoid about.

I hate to see him all quiet and insecure like this.

What are you going to say?

I don't know, I'll think of something.

("JAMAICAN" ACCENT) Hello, hello there! Wa'gwan?

Is that the accountant for Forbes Scrap Metal Processing?

BOTH MOUTH

Yah, rastafari.

Um, yeah I'm just worried about something bad

I did at the company many moons ago.

Aye, all right.

Ring the Police? Nah, man, that's me gone now.

Later, sweetness.

Maybe I should plan things more before I....

Yeah, there's a thought.

Er, me dad, he says, "It's a mug's game" and I can't come any more.

Maths is a mug's game? Come on, you. Tell that to Archimedes.

-Archie who?

-Medes - maths genius.

Toga, long beard, bits of kebab in it?

Integral calculus, the quadrature of the parabola?

Well, I can't make it any simpler than that.

Maths is OK, Dad says, "Gambling's a mug's game."

Well, he clearly never won anything.

What's gambling got to do with these lessons?

Well, that's all he's teaching me.

Probability, percentages, odds, how to lay on a yankee.

What the hell's that?

A bet on four selections that covers six doubles, four trebles and one four-fold, two-win minimum.

It's so exciting watching young minds blossom and grow, isn't it?

That said, you owe me for two lessons. Where's me 30 quid?

Well, I had your 30 quid but I put a bet on the 4.15 at Uttoxeter.

What is that, is that a racecourse? Cos I'm not into gambling.

-Yes, you are.

-Yes, you are.

-(MUTTERING)

-Yes, I am, yeah.

So, if Jolly Jeff comes in,

I've got your 30 quid and another 50.

All right, let's look... Let's see this system up and running.

-It says he came last.

-Well, that can't be right.

-Well, it says he came last and he got disqualified.

-Oh.

And then he got shot.

See, I told you, "Gambling's a mug's game."

Hiya.

Ooh.

Sometimes it's good to be a girl.

Feeling a bit more relaxed now, Dad?

No, no someone's stolen me phone, the net's closing in.

Here, you left it on the table.

Oh, there's CCTV cameras everywhere out there,

the world's turning into a giant goldfish bowl

and I'm the goldfish... with a bit longer memory.

-Right, that's it. Give it here.

-What?

Here. Speak to this accountant woman, find out what's going on.

-Give it back.

-Dad, Dad.

-Give it...

-Dad, stop.

Here, just say words.

HE SNORTS

Calm down, you sound like a heavy breather.

That's all you need, a dirty phone call charge(!)

Yes. Shh-shh.

Hello.

Yeah, this is Jim Flynn.

-I'm not saying anything until my legal team arrive.

-Dad!

'Jim, it's Daphne, how are you? You sound tense.'

Ooh scary, vicious.

Yeah. Hi, Daphne.

Yeah, it's the, erm, firm going belly up, it's unnerved me.

'I know I was trying to get hold of you

'to tell you how to claim your outstanding staff bonus.'

Mum, what's this for?

Not now, Mikey.

Yeah, thanks, I'll do that then.

'No, it's too late now, I'm afraid. The firm's in administration,

'the creditors get any money that's going.'

How much is he missing out on?

-Cos he nicked about a grand's worth of diesel.

-Shhh!

Yeah, well, thanks for the thought, Daphne.

'OK, Jim, take care, love. Bye.'

Ooh, it would be ironic if you missed out on £1,000.

The same amount you stole.

Yeah, thanks.

Guilt! It's overrated!

Caroline, right. DOORBELL RINGS

Is anyone getting that?

-(CHLOE) No, Steve's sitting on my head.

-Oh.

It's not meant to be.

I've come for me keys.

Here you are, how's your auntie?

She got better. What can you do?

I let the electrician in.

Yes, he did all sorts of jobs I never asked him to,

charged me like a wounded bull.

-I asked him to do them.

-Why?

I used your keys to get in your house.

You've got a sunbed you can see from space.

More importantly, you could hear it in our house.

Oh, I do love a tan.

Why look like a meringue when you can look like rich, golden toast?

Yeah.

-Who was that?

-Ted, come for his keys.

-I suppose you give them to him.

-Yeah, of course.

Well, I guess we'll never find out what that humming is now.

Can you hear it?

No.

I have a hunch it's been fixed.

Maybe that's why he's getting the electrician round.

What, no, no, that was for....

Maybe, probably, I think it was as well.

What did you think the electrician was doing?

I don't know.

Dodgy light switch?

You knew?!

I seem to remember you were going to take me out for dinner.

No.

What?

(MIMICS) "Do you have a problem telling the truth?"

-What do you mean?

-I could hear you in the hall.

You went next door despite giving me the face.

I didn't say I couldn't go in.

-Well, what other secrets have you got?

-None.

None? Well, what about your barman friend at the hotel

who does a good impression of a solicitor?

Ahh.

Ahh.

Shall we go upstairs and discuss this?

I thought you weren't feeling very well.

I'm starting to feel better.

Come here.

Ah-ya!

No necking.

# I know it's gonna be all right

# For ever I'll be by your side

# For everyone you love

# For everyone you feel

# I'm never giving up

# Until the dream is real. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd