Frozen Assets In With the Flynns

# For anyone who loves

# For anyone who feels

# I'm never giving up!

# Until the dream is real

# Until the dream is real. #

Family meeting!

Oh, it¹s times like this I wish I had more body hair.

You don¹t do bad, love!

First one down here gets a tenner!

I was lying about the tenner.

Stay, stay, stay!

Me and your mum have got some serious news.

With the boiler going, we¹ve got no money until the end of the month.

-You¹ve always got no money!

-And now we¹ve got less than that.

You¹re great and everything, but we had you lot so young that we¹ve spent our lives chasing our arses.

It¹s a financial term.

-Are you saying it¹s MY fault?

-No, no. Of course not, love.

It¹s the fault of all three of you, equally.

But, what¹s great is, I¹ll show you all how to live frugally, like my old nan.

She was weird and horrible!

Yes, she was, BUT...

She knew how to get by on 98p a week.

So come on, how are you all going to help?

I¹ve got the Christmas tips from my paper round. You can have that if you need it.

-Don¹t say that. Come on, Steve...

-Oh no, darling, that's yours.

-How much have you got?

-No!

We could help by begging.

Shop lifting.

OK, you can just give up biscuits. Chloe?

Oh, before we come to me, you¹ll be giving up booze then, Mum!

SHE SNIGGERS

Look, I have the odd glass of wine.

Yeah, "odd", cos it contains half a pint.

Oh, right! I¹ll go without then.

If you¹ll give up football on cable TV.

-Yeah, of course.

-You could cancel that now.

I don¹t know the number.

Oh, it¹s just...it¹s just there.

-No, I¹ll tell you what I¹ll do, I'll sell a kidney.

-Just do it, Liam!

Hi, Uncle Kevin.

Hi, Mikey. It¹s either cold or you¹ve started a folk band.

I¹m going outside...

to get warm.

What¹s the Fat Controller doing in me garden?

Cheers for sorting Dad out with that job. It¹s transformed him.

From a miserable sod to a miserable sod with a job.

Yeah, about that.

He¹s come round to show the kids his uniform. You can¹t sack him.

-I

-don¹t want to!

I stuck my neck out to get him that job, but he¹s driving the guests mad at the hotel.

What?!

-Dad...

-I¹m cancelling it! She¹s getting a pen!

I was going to say, I know this lad who fancies me who¹ll probably fit us a new boiler for free.

-That saves us what, a grand?

-Why are you being so kind and considerate?

That¹s really wounding.

Oh, that¹s why it¹s cold. What happened to your boiler?

Yes, I blew up a boiler. Who hasn¹t?

Ah, yer...!

You all right?

Yeah, yeah, fine. Just doing this.

Yeah, baby! Bow down to the king.

Do those things ever blow up?

No, no! They¹ve got like a safety mechanism built in.

I¹ve just taken the front off the boiler!

Should I be able to see flames?!

Sorted.

At least I had a go.

-What do you think?

-Oh, you look great, Jim.

ALL: Yeah(!)

Nice, Dad. Who¹s looking after your circus?

It¹s cold in here. I can feel everything shrivelling up.

-We can¹t afford to fix the heating.

-Do you know anything about boilers?

-I know a lot about everything, not that anyone thinks to ask.

-Do you know anything about boilers?

No.

-Right, I¹m passing your school. Who¹s ready for a lift in the Jimousine?

-Cheers, Dad.

Hey, Chlo, Chlo. Who¹s that lad you said could fix the boiler?

Dean he¹s been hanging around me with his tongue out for ages.

-Is he up to the job?

-Er, no! He dresses like a teacher. I couldn¹t be seen out with him.

Is he up to the job of fixing the boiler?

Yeah, he¹s a techie brainiac.

He built his old nan a stairlift out of a lawn mower.

Sweet.

-Or was it the other way round?

-Hey, hey, get him in!

-Dad, did you cancel the cable TV?

-Yeah, sorry, son.

But it¹s City vs United this weekend!

-Oh, no! I forgot!

-Come on City!!

Shut it, Dad!

-Why can¹t you both support the same team?

-Aw, God!

-Joking, aren¹t you?!

-Come on, Steve.

Your cable TV¹s not working.

No! They¹ve not cut it off already! I¹ve only just cancelled it.

You selfish git!

How am I going to watch World Heads-Up Poker Challenge now?

Thanks!

As it happens I¹m just about to reconnect it. Anyway, you¹re supposed to have stopped gambling.

I was only watching it.

Hello, yeah. I¹ve just cancelled my subscription. I¹d like to reinstate it, please.

What, how much?

I just did it.

But what about the cooling-off period like when you buy a ferret online, like me kids did?

It's all right.

I can watch "Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman". Who needs cable TV?

No, do it for nothing now!

No, do it for nothing now!

No, do it for nothing NOW!

No, do it for noth...

Are they doing it for nothing?

You, you! You¹re going to pay to reconnect my premium TV.

If I had that kind of money, I wouldn¹t be knocking round here.

The derby¹s on at the weekend. Me and the boys always watch it together.

-Afternoon, sir.

-Afternoon.

-Lovely suit, very natty.

-Thank you.

Another day another dollar. Or as they say in Vietnam, another day another dong.

All right?

All right.

WOMEN TALK FRANTICALLY

Afternoon, darlings.

-Off shopping are you, sweetheart? Spending your husband¹s money?

-No.

My wife always used to say, "I only come alive when I¹m shopping."

She¹s dead now.

All right, Jim?

Oi!

Nice top!

Not YOU, the busty girl behind ya!

Jim!!

They¹re going to a women in business seminar.

In my experience, the ladies like to squeeze in some shopping, too.

Yeah, we¹ve noticed you calling women guests "darling" and "sweetheart".

And now, "busty girl".

They love it. Look, let¹s stop pretending we¹re all lady boys.

-Well, you say that...

-The way I see it, Caroline,

the women are the ones with the breasts and the men have, er -

and I¹ll use the official words, as it¹s you the meat and two veg.

I can see you¹ve done your research.

You should get down the shops, too.

That coat¹s no spring chicken, is it?

Yeah! I just... I can¹t decide between the Prada or the Versace.

-Afternoon, gorgeous!

-Oh...!

Fine.

Have you moved since this morning?

Yes! I tried not to.

It¹s actually a lot harder than it looks and, er, you¹re out of food.

I know. We¹re cutting down. I¹m glad you¹re here. I¹ve worked out how we can make some money.

How?

You¹re going to make it for me poker!

No! No way. No!

I am trying not to gamble.

I...I¹ve been to the Gamblers Anonymous disco.

I¹ll do it online. You¹ve just got to show me what to do.

I swore to Mum on her deathbed that I¹d give up gambling.

No, you didn¹t!

Yeah, but I meant to. I had it written down on my hand.

Well, it hasn¹t worked has it. You¹ve lived off gambling since primary school.

You¹re brilliant at odds and probability theory and all that.

Would you force a recovering alcoholic to down a pint?

Yes, if it was to help me family.

And anyway you owe us!

After your girlfriend kicked you out you¹ve treated this place like a leisure centre.

-I¹m in a transitional phase.

-Yes, well so are we.

From poor but happy to dying on our backsides.

-Come on!

-How much have you got to play with?

-Ten quid.

-Oh, that¹s insulting!

I¹m already in the "you must be joking" zone.

If I go over that an alarm goes off at the bailiffs.

Don¹t tell Caroline.

She¹s got gambling down there with incest and buying a puppy just for Christmas.

-DOOR SLAMS

-She¹s here! Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off! Turn it off!

..If they pass the ball through the midfield, get it to Rooney, we¹ve got a chance...

-of winning the game, haven¹t we?

-Yeah...because Rooney¹s...a nice guy.

-Hi, love... It¹s...

-You need to explain to your dad about how sexual politics have changed.

-Yeah, right!

-No, I mean it.

Before he actually says, "I say! Ding-dong!" to a woman guest.

Oh, come on! He¹s just being olde worlde.

Yeah, olde worlde sexist. I¹ll get into trouble.

I gave him quite a build-up.

Jim¹s very special.

He absolutely loves people.

Great at opening doors, obviously.

So he¹s a good team player?

Yeah!!

AND he¹s...always...thoughtful

and helpful...

and drop dead gorgeous.

Who the hell¹s that?! I wish he WAS me dad.

Well, I had to lie. We needed Jim to get the job.

-He¹s been sitting round our house like a suicidal bloody walrus.

-DOOR SLAMS

-This is Dean.

-Hello, mate.

Dean, you are the most attractive man in this room.

Just to be clear, she means, "Cos you¹re carrying the boiler."

-Oh, right!

-Yuh, yuh, yuh!

No, it¹s really good of you, mate, and I know you like Chloe,

so she¹ll make you tea and talk to you entertainingly.

Just to be clear, I won¹t!

I¹ll get me tools.

Nice one.

You don¹t feel bad that we¹re exploiting him, do you?

No! He said he don¹t want paying.

I¹m cold and I¹d trade in a child for a hot shower.

You know what it¹s like when you¹re in love, you¹ll do anything.

Yeah! Let¹s get him to service the car when he¹s done the boiler!

Right! This is tea.

Whoa, whoa! Hold it right there!

I¹m not eating budgie!

It¹s a chicken. It says on the label.

That¹ll never go round five people.

It¹ll do more than that. The meat¹s for sandwiches tomorrow. The bones are for a tasty soup tonight.

Ooh, at last! Bone soup.

What¹s this, wartime?

My nan was famous for her soup AND her cabbage cake.

Ooh, tasty as that sounds, let¹s not have it.

And, look, I found these at the back of the cupboard.

Scratched off the sell-by date, so don¹t bother looking.

Tinned broad beans and melon chunks.

How have these not got snapped up?

And this. Ah! I¹m saving it for when the kids allow me to drink again.

One can of budget lager.

So this is what it¹s come to.

We can get through this, love.

Yeah, I know we can.

So, you don¹t mind going without football?

Look at you. You¹re just...

Oh, that must feel nice!

-It¹s all right. Yeah, it's nice.

-Yeah.

I can see my breath in front of my face.

There you go, all the fun of smoking without the health implications.

We¹re having that foil back when the heating¹s fixed.

How¹s it going, Dean?

Good, yeah! Boilers are like babies.

You¹ve got to sense their every need.

Yeah(!)

There¹s a man at the window in fancy dress.

Yeah, it¹ll be me dad.

We used to let him in the house but he just got annoying.

-So you¹ll have a word with your dad?

-DOOR SLAMS

Yes.

Evening, all.

-Hiya, Jim.

-All right, Dad.

My God! Who died?

Soup died.

Yes, to be fair I should have sweated the carcass for two days in a tarragon/thyme bouillon.

Yeah, that would have improved it!

Whatever.

Hmm-hmm.

She looks so beautiful when she sleeps.

Doesn¹t she just.

You were dribbling, love.

I¹m not a snob, God knows,

but it¹s nice to meet the posher types at the hotel and get away from the riff-raff.

Dad, I¹ve got some bad news for you.

WE¹RE the riff-raff.

You speak for yourself.

Listen, Dad, Caroline said that at work you¹re being... How can I put it nicely?

A sexist dinosaur.

I am NOT!

Who actively encouraged his wife to go out to work -

down a coal mine, if necessary?

Yeah, to pay for your Man City season ticket!

Who booed at the TV during the Miss World competition?

-Yeah, cos you didn¹t rate the winner, Miss Venezuela.

-Oh, yeah!

Well, Miss Costa Rica was robbed.

Yes, she was but, Dad, at work you¹ve got to treat men and women the same.

They¹re not the same though, are they? I mean, women have got breasts.

I know what they¹ve got!

But time¹s moved on. You¹ve got to move on with it.

Otherwise, the management will show you the door. You know what I mean?

What¹s acceptable then?

Well, I don¹t know! "Sir. Madam."

Don¹t make me role play a woman coming out of an hotel.

Where¹s the personality in "sir" or "madam"?

I¹m a showman! I¹m the Willy Wonker of the Manchester hotel scene!

I¹m not denying you¹re a "wonker".

I¹m just saying, you like the job, so do what you have to do to keep it, all right?

Fancy a pint?

Yeah.

Good! You¹re buying.

Are you all right dressed like that or do you want to put something more flamboyant on?

Sorry, love! I couldn¹t get me dad off the karaoke.

We had nine What¹s New Pussycats and a Macarena. It wasn¹t pretty.

All done!

What are you doing? Don¹t do that.

-Sorry, Mr Flynn.

-What a genius! Come on! Give me a hug, come on!

All right, gorgeous.

Toilet¹s frozen over.

Listen, we¹re sorry we can¹t pay you. How can we thank you?

By making Chloe go out with me.

We can¹t MAKE her, Dean. She¹s a free spirit.

So, does it work?

It will... When I fit the last part.

When can you fit that?

When Chloe goes on a date with me.

Look, Dean...

Going on a date with a girl who doesn¹t want to be there is a really empty experience.

Liam remembers.

Yes, I do. Yeah.

Still, it¹s better than nothing.

That is also true.

Whose side are you on?

Yeah! My daughter¹s worth more to me than the price of a boiler.

OK.

-Sorry then.

-Oh...!

That little... Are you having that?

Look, I¹ll go out with Dean for the sake of our family. Have you seen us lately?

No, I¹m not pimping out my daughter for an efficient heating system.

No! No way.

-No, no. You¹re better than that, love.

-Absolutely.

Well, why should he get the better of us, the reptile?

We¹re cleverer than that and this way there¹ll be more heat around here.

Yeah?

All right. Cheers, Chloe.

See ya.

Ta-ra.

-Nice hot water bottles.

-Thanks.

Belters, them!

-All right?

-Good morning.

Hey, what about City and United tomorrow then?

I expect you¹ll be getting the lagers in, yeah?

You are NOT wearing that out.

Why not?

Because Dean will take one look at you and bog off.

Wow!

Brutal!

Shut up! Look, let me talk you through this.

Tight jeans and a top means, "I¹m interested and available."

You¹re NOT wearing that!

Skirt and top says, "Playing it cool but interested."

Not when I wear it!

None of this really applies to the over 30s.

Oh, bless ya!

Whereas this says, "I¹m not interested. Try harder, you loser."

Just don¹t drink and bring Dean home early so he can finish the boiler.

DOORBELL RINGS

What¹s for tea?

Very nearly tinned broad beans in a melon sauce.

But I found a pizza in some ice at the bottom of the freezer.

-Evening, Mr and Mrs Flynn.

-Evening, Shaggy!

Where are you going?

-The Pelican.

-Woah, woah!

No, you¹re not going to a pub. I know pubs. I know what happens.

Suddenly, it¹s 11.30 and you can¹t remember your name.

It¹s quiz night! I¹ll be sipping orange juice and learning interesting facts.

Right. Hey, no funny business, Dean.

Right? Have her back by nine o¹clock.

Go on, love. Go on.

Hey, bring your tools!

-I¹m off, too, love. Late shift.

-All right.

-Mwah!

Oh, help Mikey with his French homework.

Will do.

Hey, Mikey, listen up!

Voila!

Croissant!

Joe le taxi!

-Come on, let¹s do this?

-Dad?

-How are we going to watch the match tomorrow?

-I¹m just going to sort it with Uncle Kevin.

-Oh, I¹m such a bad man!

-We really shouldn¹t be doing this.

Shut up, Kev!

-Right, right, what do I do?

-Right, you double-click on that.

I¹m exhausted. I need a break.

You¹ve been playing for eight minutes!

Yeah, well, you... you take over then.

All right. Ooh!

That¹s four hours. Can I stop now?

Oh, how did you do?

Well, I won 100 quid.

-Hey!

-Yeah, but then I lost that.

-No?

-Yeah, then I went up to 200 quid.

-Then what?

Then I went up to 500 quid. Then I went back down to 35 quid.

Then I stopped to go to the toilet. Do you know it¹s frozen over?

-What did you end up with?!

-I ended up with £200, so you can watch your match tomorrow now.

You play online poker again, I¹ll smash your face in.

Oh! Oh, yes! What time do you call this?

-I couldn¹t get him home.

-I found them at the bus stop.

Dean was crouching on top of the bus shelter pretending to be an owl.

How did you do in the quiz?

I said I was going. I didn¹t join in. Shaggy did that on his own,

-whilst I had a laugh with Emma and Lucy.

-Hang on!

So, basically, you¹ve enjoyed a warm meal with your mates in the pub.

Anything I can do to help the family.

Hey, come on you - boiler!

Ho, ho, ho! Where are you going?

Boiler¹s that way. Go on!

-BOTH: Take him home!

-I'll get him in the car, shall I?

Step down. Now, Dean, listen here now. Eh, listen!

You are going to finish this, aren¹t you?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Good.

As soon as Chloe goes out with me again.

Hey, listen to me, right! Listen here!

Nobody messes my daughter or my family around, all right?

Who are you, again?

-Bin?

-Bin.

Ten quid says he¹s still in there in the morning.

Kevin, don¹t! Seriously. I feel bad enough already about making you gamble.

Oh, don¹t worry. It¹s cool. It¹s all under control.

The only reason I went to Gamblers Anonymous is cos I heard they get fit girls turning up.

-Do they?

-Yes.

And you do get some great racing tips as well.

ENGINE STARTS

-20 quid says you can¹t get me home in two minutes.

-You're on.

Help!

Oh, God!

To be honest, I just wanted to see what it was like to put somebody in a wheelie bin.

Oh! I shouldn¹t have let her go on that date though. It¹s just... It¹s bad parenting.

Oh, don¹t be so hard on yourself. You¹re a great dad.

And I am a...

Great mum! Yes, you are! YES, you are!

Oooi! At least we know it can¹t get any worse, eh?

MOBILE BEEPS

Oooh!

It CAN get worse.

Oh, the head of HR wants to see me.

Yeah.

Maybe he shouldn¹t have called the Lady Mayor "babe".

And should he have said to a group of girl guides,

"Last one through the door¹s a tosser"?

No!

Although, when I was a guide, we swore so much they gave us a badge for it.

Look, he¹s actually a lovely man,

but maybe the job wasn¹t a perfect fit.

You lied to the company. You know what that means?

You¹d never sack me, would you?

Snacks?

Beer?

No, Dad! We¹re trying to teach the kids you don¹t have to drink to have a good time.

What about that one?

-No, that¹s Caroline¹s.

-Heating?

No, Dad. We like the cold.

Oh, so this won¹t end in tears(!)

Why don¹t they just have one team in Manchester, dressed in purple?

Hang on, that¹s cable TV. How come we got that back?

Oh, erm, Kevin paid for it to be reconnected.

How?

Sorry?

Oh...how?

He, erm... Kevin... Kevin won some money for me playing poker, so I spent it on this.

You actively encouraged Kevin to gamble? He¹s a sick man.

More to the point, why didn¹t you use the cash to buy a boiler?

We¹re sat here like Pingu just so you can watch the footie!

I didn¹t have enough for the boiler!

And, do you know what? I just thought we could watch it together

and bond like a proper family!

Pillock!

Well, you're no better, nearly getting me sacked.

I DID get sacked. What do you think that¹s done for my fragile ego?

Can you get me a job on reception?

Stop him talking!

I¹m sorry, Caroline, but that¹s what happens when you treat women like men. We¹re different.

Women have got br...

BOTH: Yeah, we know, granddad!

Well, you can make up for it by paying for our boiler.

All right, I will.

But there are conditions attached.

What conditions?

Come on! Don¹t be shy. Show your support.

Come on, City!

Ah! That¹s better.

See? Now you can really bond.

Oh, that¹s nice!

Oh!

Cheers, love.

It¹s all right this. What is it?

Cabbage cake.

Oh, doesn¹t it hurt when they head it?

-Who¹s he? He¹s got well nice legs?

-Ssssh, love.

There¹s extreme, seven-card stud, horse poker on the other side if anyone¹s interested.

Ow!

I might just dance round the room naked for a bit.

Can you do it in the other room, please, love?

Hey, how many United fans does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.

One to change it and the other to drive him up from Bournemouth.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd