The Bill Inside No. 9

This programme contains some strong language

and some scenes which some viewers may find upsetting

He said, "I don't bother with the Grand National any more.

"Last year, my horse started at 33-1 at Aintree and ended up as

"two for one at ASDA!" LAUGHTER

-Excuse me. Could we get the bill, please?

-Of course.

Anyway, like I was saying, we were at Lingfield... '89, was it?

-No, it was later than that.

-Eh?

-Yes, it was after Diana had died.

-What's she got to do with it?

-I just remember.

All right, well, '99, whatever.

And the Professor here had worked out if we put this

-accumulator on seven races, we could have made... What was it, Archie?

-Half a million.

-Half a million.

-Well, it wasn't half a million. It was 469,000.

All right. Fucking hell. We're not to the nearest quid, are we?

-Kevin, will you stop interrupting my flow?

-Yeah, sorry.

So, we all had to pick seven horses and put

a tenner each in the diddlum.

The what?

The diddlum.

-What's a diddlum?

-The diddlum! It's a wotsit where you all chip in.

-It's the diddlum. You never heard of a diddlum?

-No.

-It's where you pay in a bit each week.

-It's a savings scheme.

Like a northern thing? You know, "Put tha' money in't diddlum and buy some whippets and barm cakes and..."

Sorry, go on.

So, anyway, we'd all put in our diddlum money and chose a horse each for the first round.

-You had, what was it? Hoof Hearted?

-Hoof Hearted, 3-1, second favourite.

Prof chose some fancy writer thing. Outrageous...

-Outrageous Fortune.

-That's it, after the Bette Midler film.

-Shakespeare.

-And I had Mashie Niblick at 50-1.

-See? Clever boy, back the outsider.

-Exactly!

To push the winnings up.

Life is either a daring adventure or it is nothing at all.

-Do you know who said that? Helen Keller.

-Going for Gold.

That's Henry Kelly!

Yeah, sorry.

-So, anyway, what happened next, I gave the diddlum money to Archie...

-He didn't.

-I did!

-He says he did, but he was found...

-No, let me finish!

-He was found in the hospitality area...

-Rubbish!

-..with two dolly birds and a full English breakfast.

-Slightly the worse for wear.

-Well, I was upset that Diana had died!

-And he'd spent the lot.

-No!

-Yeah, kerching.

-What? Diddled the diddlum?

-He did indeed.

-Malcolm!

-So, just be warned, Craig,

you can't trust him as far as you can throw him.

Excuse me, Archie! People in glass houses!

What?

Shouldn't throw stones.

No, they should throw sex parties with strippers. LAUGHTER

So, come on, then. What happened then?

-No, don't tell me. All the horses came in, right?

-Yeah, exactly.

-Half a million down the drain.

-Well, 469,000.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right. It's only money in't it, Craig? Not worth falling out over.

-EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT:

-Here you go, gentlemen.

-I hope you enjoy your meal.

-It was lovely, thanks.

-Excuse me, darling. Can we get some mints?

-Please?

You know, the mints in the bowl by the till, just to cleanse the palate.

Oh, no, the kitchen boy will cleanse the palate.

No, no. Not plates.

The palate. You know? The palate.

I mean the mints. In the mouth. Sucky-sucky.

Oh, sorry. Yes. I'll get you some. It's my first day. So...

-Well, she's not getting a tip.

-I wouldn't mind giving her MY tip.

-What are you doing, asking for piss-mints?

-Eh?

-Piss-mints by the till.

-Why are they piss-mints?

Because people come out the bogs, they don't wash their hands

-and then they dip in for a mint on the way past.

-No!

-People aren't animals.

-They are, actually. They did a test.

-Exactly.

They tested a bowl, they found 15 different types of piss.

What do you mean - different types of piss?!

-There aren't different types of piss!

-There are! Like fine wines!

Jesus Christ! I can't wait to get back to Chiswick.

Yeah, because London piss is like sparkling water,

-you just drink it straight back down again.

-Pretty much, yeah.

Well, I'm just telling you, mints in northern restaurants,

-they're all drenched in piss.

-And faecal matter.

-There you go, I give you big handful.

-Look at them, Craig! You not going to cleanse your palate, then?

-Er...

No, I think I'll take them for the kids.

-How many kids do you have, Craig?

-I've got two.

It's half-term, so they come up with the au pair.

-I told them it was a safari, but with poor people.

-Hey!

There's plenty of lolly swilling around up here, you know. As long as you know where to look for it.

-And your wife, is she...?

-Divorced.

Best three-quarter of a million pound I ever spent.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Why is a wife like a hand grenade?

Remove the ring and boom, your house has gone. LAUGHTER

That's a terribly expensive business.

Do you know why it's so expensive, Kevin?

Because it's worth it. CHUCKLING

Talking of unseemly squabbles about money,

let's have a little look at this bill.

-Well, there's my contribution, including a 10% service charge.

-10?

You tight bastard! Give her 15, like a normal human being!

-10 is industry standard.

-What industry? She's slopping plates

round for a room full of fat pigs!

Honestly, Kevin! Give it here, Craig. I'm going to get this.

-No, Malcolm.

-No way, that's not right.

-Shut up, I am. It's on me.

You got it last time, let me get this one.

Get off, I'm paying it. How much is it? Ooh, Jesus Christ! Go on, then!

-Joking! I'm joking! I don't mind, honestly.

-No, I'm not having that.

-I invited Craig along. I was going to pay for him anyway.

-So what?

-Craig's my friend. You can't play with him! Don't be so childish, Archie.

-I'm not being childish.

-You're the one who's being childish.

-Hey, it doesn't matter.

-It does. You're messing it up. It's not fair.

-Guys, listen, I'm getting it.

-No!

-No!

-Yes!

I'm going back to civilisation soon. I know that all you northerners are very poor,

-what with your Christmas clubs and your diddums...

-Diddlums.

So, I'd like to treat you all, please. No arguments!

Well, thank you, Craig. That's very kind of you.

Bloody hell, Kevin! That was quick. You thanked him before he'd even offered!

-Doesn't miss a trick, does he?

-No, I offered to pay my way.

Yeah, like the time you offered me petrol money for that league game in Otley!

-That was based on mileage as the crow flies, divided by the four of us.

-£2!

-It was mathematically sound!

Yeah, all in coppers!

-Right, shall I split you four ways?

-No.

No, but I wouldn't mind splitting you four ways.

No, I'm getting this. It's been very nice to meet you, Craig.

You played very well tonight, the pair of you beat Kevin and I

fair and square, so Victoribus Spolia, to the victor, the spoils.

-Well, I won't argue with you, Malcs.

-I'm sorry, Malcolm.

-That is bullshit!

-Eh?

-We've never played that before, loser pays!

-It's a very dangerous precedent to set.

-It's not a precedent.

I would like to pay for your meals. Put it all on this, please.

No, put on this, please. I insist.

All right, calm down. You'll give yourself a heart attack. Why are you making such a big deal out of it?

-It's just important to me, all right?

-Thank you, Archie.

-That's very kind.

-Bloody hell!

-Never realised that badminton was so competitive.

-It's not competitive.

It's just that Malcolm is overgenerous at times, aren't you, Malc? This is my treat, everybody.

-You can get the next one.

-Sorry, it's run out of paper. I'll be back.

IMITATES ACCENT: I'll be back!

Terminator.

Very clever, Archie. Very clever trick. I can see what you're doing.

-What do you mean?

-Letting me get the next one, which is, oh, let me think,

-wives and girlfriends night at Browns.

-So?

-So, it'll be double the price, won't it?

Even more, if your Susie puts it away like she did at the

-Christmas do!

-Malcolm!

-All those mojitos!

You shouldn't bring Susie into it, Malcolm. That's wrong.

I like the sound of Susie!

Has she got a sister?

Anyway, it's fine. You just get this little starter.

I'll pay for the proper grown-up meal next time. Well done.

-Fine, I'll get the next one as well, if you're keeping track.

-No-one's keeping track.

You clearly are, if you're thinking one ahead. It hadn't occurred to me what the next one was.

Why don't you just split it, then?

-Eh?

-Why don't you just split it two ways? Then no-one loses face.

-Who's losing face? I'm not losing face.

-Why two ways anyway?

Why not three ways?

-Fine, fine. If Craig wants...

-I meant with you!

-Jesus! What a blue cock!

-What's a blue cock?

-A tight-fisted wanker.

-Ha! That's good! I'm having that!

-No, no.

Listen, I'm happy to pay my way. I've already demonstrated that.

Oh, put your little purse away, Ebenezer.

We don't need your shrapnel.

-Do you want me to pay or not?

-Yeah, three ways! So we can treat Craig!

-It's not necessary.

-Fine! Well, I don't drink and I didn't have a starter, so...

-So what?

You contributed to the evening, to the company provided,

not what's in your belly! He always does this!

-No, it's just that I know all these menus...

-Kids' menus!

That is not the point and I know exactly what I'm going to have before I come out.

And I like to have the requisite funds about my person.

I don't have the same resources as you, do I? I have to be careful.

Careful?! He's got two houses in Clitheroe!

-Well, they're flats and one of them's got my mother in it, so...

-And how much rent do you charge her?

-None of your business!

-Bloody hell! I was joking!

He's that mean, when he takes a tenner out of his wallet, the Queen blinks in the light!

No, it's that I don't think it's fair that I end up subsidising other people's...

What?

Gluttony!

Are you directing that at me, Kevin?

Are you directing that at me? Cos this is glandular!

-Right. So, it was, Mr Simkins...?

-Yes.

No, no, guys, honest.

-I've got this.

-Now, put it away.

-No. Please! I'd really like to!

I'll pay.

I'd like to pay the whole bill, please.

Kevin, that is...so generous of you.

Are you sure?

It's fine.

Perhaps you could all put in for the tip.

-Well, wonders never cease.

-Oh, and I have these vouchers for 50% off.

-What?!

-Whoa, whoa, whoa! 50% off?!

-Yes, I got them from a coupon website.

-You were going to let ME pay for it?

-Well, I was saving them for another time.

-What other time? You never go out!

-I'm sorry, Kevin.

If you're paying for dinner, you're paying for dinner. None of this coupon shit!

-They are out of date anyway. I'm sorry.

-LAUGHTER

They're like your condoms, Kevin! Use by January 2000!

Get your pound notes out with Isaac Newton on the back!

I'm sorry about that. I was just... Let me...

-Oh...

-Ah...

I come back in a minute.

Um... Can I offer you guys to be shot, or something?

-Sorry?

-She means a free drink.

-Oh, yes. Thank you.

-Oh, that made his eyes light up, look.

-Got any Limoncello?

-Please?

It's a liqueur.

Lick your what? Sorry?

It's a drink.

Um, I will check. I'll be back.

You wait, she'll come back with a lemon and a cello!

LAUGHTER

I was dreading this week. One boring seminar after another.

If I hadn't met Archie, it would have been one long round of business lunches and hotel porn.

Don't sound too bad!

-You guys, you made it bearable. So, please, let me get this.

-No.

-I'm getting it, I'm just...

-Leave it, Kevin! I'll get it!

-You're not getting it! I've told you!

-Don't point at me, Malcolm.

Honestly, let me. It's no skin off my nose.

-We all know you're really rich.

-What's that supposed to mean?

-Hey, I don't care if he's Bill Gates.

He played at our club, I'm club sec, I'm paying for his meal.

And there it is in a nutshell, Craig. You've been bought. Kerching.

-Not this again.

-I'm afraid so, Malcolm. This again.

-How many votes was it? Tell him.

-I don't remember.

17-5 and he's club secretary. I'd been there five years before him.

Don't dredge up old graves, Archie. It's unseemly.

-There was no funny business.

-Who did you vote for, then?

-You don't have to tell him, Kevin.

-It was anonymous.

-You were seen, Kevin, a Garfunkel's lunch every day for a fortnight.

-That's not true!

-Were you spying on us? Bloody hell!

-If you're that desperate, put your name up next time. I won't stand again.

-Don't worry, I will!

If that's all you've got to worry about, I'm happy for you, Archie. You must have a very nice life.

-Get off my back, Malcolm! You've got no idea about my life!

-Guys, don't.

-It's just a couple of hundred quid. It's literally nothing.

-Oh, it's nothing, is it, Mr Monopoly?

-Archie, what's got into you?

-Besides, the club would never have allowed somebody with

-a criminal record to become club secretary.

-Nobody cares about that!

That was me utilising a clause in a mortgage contract!

-Also known as fraud.

-You're the fraud, pal! You bought every single one of those votes!

-Because I treated Kevin to a foot long from Subway?!

-Yes!

-And this is what he's doing now, Craig, so just be aware.

-Bull crap!

He's putting you in his pocket, in case he needs you at a later date!

-I'm offering to buy everyone's meal!

-Yes, because you're a selfish prick!

He isn't, Archie.

Just calm down.

He isn't.

Because I am paying for this meal.

Yes, I live in London! Yes, I'm very rich!

But that is my prerogative, as your guest, all right?

Here we go. Some Limoncello for you, and have you decide yet who pay the bill?

Yeah, put it all on this. And put on 25% for yourself.

Right, gentlemen, I'd like to thank you for your company this evening.

And for a good game of badminton. And if any of you happen to find yourself in the Chiswick area,

please don't hesitate to NOT ring me! Cheers!

-ALL:

-Cheers.

Ah!

Don't envy you going back to London, Craig. All those pickpockets.

Yeah, well, it's not what it was, Kevin.

I mean, I'd be happy to move on, to be honest with you.

I crave a bit of excitement. Last year, I went climbing in Canada...

Excuse me, sir. But your card is not welcome.

-What?

-It is reject. Bad. Do you have perhaps other card?

Um...

No, not on me.

I don't understand. There's at least 250 in that account.

-That settles it, then. I'll pay.

-Hang on, hang on.

I've got an AMEX card back at the hotel.

-I'll phone the au pair and get her to give me the number.

-I'm not sure...

-Craig, there's no need.

Sshh!

Anoushka? Yeah, it's me. Can you go up to my room, please?

Yeah, it was very nice, thank you. Yeah, go into my room and go over to the bedside cabinet and open

the second drawer down.

No, no. Not the top one.

Do not open the top one!

Yeah, the second one.

Right. And in there is my AMEX card.

Yes, the gold one.

Now, I need the long number on the front and the four digits just

above that in the right-hand corner.

Digits.

Digits!

-I tell you what, why don't you just bring the card down to me?

-No, no.

It's fine, it's fine.

No, they're fine. They'll be fine. They're asleep, aren't they?

Well, just leave quietly!

-Well, if you're that worried, just unplug everything!

-No, Craig! No!

Don't worry, Baboushka! It's fine! You don't have to come.

Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do,

but it's daft you putting your kids' lives in danger when I've got

-a good card right here.

-We can split it.

-No.

I'm getting this. No more arguments.

That is the absolute end of the matter.

Well, under these circumstances,

I'd be very happy to accept your very kind offer.

-Thank you, Malcolm.

-Not a problem at all.

Yes, thank you.

All right, fine. Will you just give us a minute, please, love?

This is not the way I wanted to do this.

But I've... I've got something to tell you.

What? You've got a voucher?

No.

No, I've not got a voucher.

I've got a brain tumour.

You're joking.

No, I'm not, Malcolm. And I wish I was.

It's er...inoperable and I've got three months at best, I'm afraid.

Oh, Archie, I'm so sorry.

Thanks, Kevin.

That is why I wanted to pay this meal.

Sorry, Malcolm. I should have told you sooner.

Will you excuse me?

Listen, Archie, um...

We had someone in my office who had something very similar.

-And we took him over to Switzerland.

-Dignitas.

-No, it was Geneva.

We got him one of the top surgeons over there.

He had the best possible treatment.

Did he survive?

No.

But he had a private room, 52-inch plasma,

and all the channels.

It's a nice touch.

Thanks, Craig, but I've talked it over with Susie and we want

to try and make it as normal as possible for the kids' sakes.

So, if you could do me the honour, the very great honour,

of allowing me to pay that bill, probably for the last time...

Don't say that, Archie.

Just...in case, Kevin.

It really would mean the world to me.

Or course, Archie.

Thank you.

If you want, we can pay the tip.

It's fine, Kevin. I'll get all of it.

It's just nice to spend what time I've got left amongst friends.

-You lying fucking monster!

-Eh?

I've just texted Susie. She doesn't know anything about a tumour!

-He's lying! He's a liar!

-Is this true, Archie?

-I haven't told her yet. I wanted to tell you first.

-You said you'd talked it over.

I can't believe you'd pretend to be dying, just so you can pay for a tapas meal!

I can't believe you'd ring up to check! Texting a dying man's wife to confirm his story?!

-You're not dying though, are you?

-I can't take much more of this.

How dare you try and swindle your way into paying for this meal!

You've driven me to it, Malcolm! You're a control freak!

Why can't I have a pat on the back? Good old Archie, for a change?

Swooping in and claiming every act of generosity!

You're both unbelievable!

The pair of you! It's ridiculous behaviour! Strutting around, point scoring, I mean, it's pathetic!

You're the one who was happy for his kids to be burnt to death,

-just so he could flash his gold card!

-What?!

-Right, where's that bill? I am paying this! Right?

-You're not!

-Yes, I am!

-I'm getting this!

-Let him go!

-I'm getting this!

-Argh!

Stop this now!

Stop it or I call the police!

-Sorry.

-There is no-one else here now.

I need to close the restaurant.

My manager says this meal can be at the home.

-She means on the house.

-Yes. Please.

Let me take the bill and we all go home.

No!

We're going to sort this, once and for all.

It's not about the bill.

It's gone beyond that now.

Look, can't we just split it four ways?

I'm happy to put in for the drink, even though I never had any, although I did have that Limoncello.

-Mind you, that was free.

-Miss? Will you bring us the sharpest knife in your kitchen, please?

-No!

-The matter is closed! There is no bill!

-There's always a bill!

Somebody has to pay!

No!

Fellas, whatever you're thinking about doing,

I would probably advise against it.

-I'm sure there must be an alternative.

-What is he doing, Archie?

I know.

Stab Scotch. Also known as Pin Finger. Nerve...

Or Five Finger Fillet.

Archie and I have played this since school.

We used a compass back then.

Or the sharp end of a 2B pencil.

The rules are very simple.

You pass the knife between each finger and back again ten times,

fastest time wins, winner pays the bill. Agreed, Archie?

If you wish, yes.

Kevin, will you time this, please?

Malcolm, wait! Think what you're doing! We've got the county semis coming up in Doncaster.

-You don't want to be butchering yourself like this!

-I'll be fine. I know what I'm doing.

Ahem. I'm not sure I want to go through with this.

Well, you don't have to.

It's between me and Malcolm now.

Tell me when.

Sorry. I'm just waiting for it to get to the top.

-Look, come here, I'll do it on my phone.

-I cannot allow this!

-Don't watch, then!

-Sshh, sshh, sshh!

Right, are you ready?

Three, two,

one.

Go.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Six.

Seven.

Eight.

Nine.

Done!

23 seconds.

Very good.

Not bad.

Well done.

No, this isn't fair.

He might have double vision because of his brain tumour.

He hasn't got a tumour, remember?

Oh, yeah. No, carry on.

I'm happy to pay the bill now.

-And we can all go home.

-No, thank you, Malcolm.

I'm fine.

When you're ready, Craig.

Three,

two,

one.

Go.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

-How long?

-15 seconds.

Six.

Argh!

-Seven.

-Argh!

-Stop it now, Archie! You're bleeding!

Make him stop!

Stop it!

-What did you do that for?

-I didn't do anything!

-It wasn't his fault. It was an accident.

-Get me some napkins!

Quick!

What shall we do? Shall we call for an ambulance? The police? What?

I don't know. Is she alive?

Only just. Her windpipe's been severed.

Give me that knife.

Archie, what should I do? Shall I call the police?

Give me your phone.

I haven't got much credit left on it.

Fine. Use it.

She's dead.

Oh, God, no!

We've got to get our story straight, OK?

-It was Archie that did it and you were trying to stop him.

-I was trying to stop him!

-Yeah, and that's what we'll say.

-Do we mention the stab cock?

-What?!

-The game, the fish finger.

-No! It's irrelevant.

We'll just say we were arguing about the bill.

All of a sudden, he grabbed a knife, he's got cuts on his hand anyway...

-Yes!

-Right, it's been sorted.

Now, all we have to do is disappear and this will be dealt with.

-What do you mean?

-The less you know about it, the better.

Don't let your wives and your girlfriends see you.

Get rid of your clothes. Get clean. Have showers.

-Clean your showers.

-Sounds like you do this on a weekly basis.

-You don't spend time in prison

-without making contacts. People who'll watch your back.

-What, when they're trying to bum you?

-Fine, I'll cancel it, then. We'll call the police instead!

-Guys, look, I can't be here.

This was supposed to be a tapas meal with the badminton people.

-I need to be back in London tomorrow.

-What about the girl? Surely, she'll be missed.

You heard what she said. She's only just come here. She's probably illegal anyway.

It's a risk we'll have to take!

Malcolm?

Do it.

Right, before we go, we need to sort out the money.

You can pay it, Archie! I'm not bothered now!

I'm not talking about the bill! I mean this!

The clean up! It's not a free service, you know? I've not got a couple of coupons!

How much does he want?

-200.

-Oh, that's actually very reasonable.

-Thousand.

-I haven't got that.

-It's all right. We'll split it four ways.

-What? 50 grand each?

-Yeah.

-Like a diddlum.

-I can get it wired tomorrow morning, first thing.

Has to be cash and he wants it tonight.

-That's just unrealistic! It's half 11!

-Archie, one question.

It's just that I didn't actually touch the knife,

-so technically, I think I probably owe less.

-Oh, here we go!

-I'm just saying that my...

-Shut up, Kevin!

-We're all paying the same!

-Oh, you've changed your tune!

You were going to pay the whole bill a minute ago!

Yeah, when it was 200 quid, not 200 grand!

-Stop it! We're running out of time!

-It's just that I haven't got that kind of money!

I have!

Anoushka.

It's me again. Right, I want you to go back into my room.

Go into the right-hand wardrobe. No, not the left one!

Do NOT go in the left!

Right, inside, you'll see a grey safe.

I need you to open it.

-The number is six..

-Ow!

Oh... Good... She's still alive.

But we'll still need the money to clean everything up, won't we?

Forget it. It's over.

She's blown it.

-ENGLISH ACCENT:

-He stood on my hand!

-Don't blame me!

-So close! We'd have had him if you'd have kept your mouth shut!

Anoushka... I'll call you back. What's going on?

-I'd have thought that was obvious.

-Have you really got 200 grand in your right-hand side wardrobe?

Never mind that. I want to know what's in the left-hand side.

Archie? What is this?

It's a washout.

-I told you it was too elaborate.

-It was going fine.

-It was just geography. He stood on her hand.

-I'm sorry, Prof.

But she's going way over the top with that accent!

It's barely believable now.

-"Can I offer you guys to be shot?"

-Oh, piss off, Jerry!

You couldn't do it! And you were the one who mentioned Susie!

No names, remember?

-All this was a set up?

-Well, the restaurant's real.

We just had to pay the manager to take the night off.

And they put their prices up. They want 1,500 now.

People are such greedy bastards.

You've been scamming me. I thought we were friends.

Well, see it as a holiday bromance. And you ARE very rich.

I don't know what to say.

-Speechless.

-Well, I wish she was!

-He crushed my fingers!

-What about my fucking fingers?

-All right! That's enough!

-Stop squabbling and abort.

-Sorry, Prof.

Karen?

Go and clean yourself up.

I'm afraid you're going to have to give us that phone.

You what? Why?

Well, we can't have you going to the police, can we?

You just tried to rob me of 200 grand!

You got a free meal out of it.

Hand it over.

Sorry...

No.

I'm not going to do that.

All right. Well, we've got a bit of problem, haven't we?

Anyway, we were at Lingfield... '89, was it?

-No, it was later than that.

-Eh?

-It was after Diana had died.

-What's she got to do with it?

-I just remember.

-All right.

Well, '99, whatever.

And the Professor here had worked out if we put this

accumulator on seven races, we could have won...

-How much was it, Jack?

-Half a million.

-Half a million.

-Well, it wasn't half a million.

-It was 469,000.

-Excuse me. Can we get the bill, please?

Certainly, sir.

I won't be a second.