Episode 4 It's Kevin

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Kevin.

# Yeah, welcome to the show

# Now and I don't want to be rude

# But I'm afraid you've caught me in a rather sulky mood

# I've asked the show's producer if he could get on the case

# And find some things to put the smile back on my sullen face

# Oh, here's a plate of chips and here's a lovely old guitar

# Some fizzy pop, a kitten and a lady in her bra! Hoorah!

# Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show

# It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show And that's the title

# Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show

# It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show Achoo!

# I'm feeling much revived I feel ecstatic hip-hooray!

# In fact I might be going much too far the other way

# I think my smile is moving to the stage of overload

# Quick show me something sad or else my face just might explode! #

Sad!

CRYING AND FUNERAL MARCH PLAYING

# Oh, oh, it's the Kevin Eldon Show It's the Kevin, Kevin Eldon Show

# It's called It's Kevin

# Argh! It's the Kevin Eldon Show

# It's the Kevin, Kevin, Kevin

# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin

# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin

# Kevin, Kevin, Kevin

# Kevin Eldon show! #

Men's hair fashion has come a quite a way since the short back and sides

our fathers and grandfathers all sported.

Long hair may be with it but is IT a good thing to be with?

Quite apart from the creepy crawlies

using long hair as the perfect squatting opportunity - yuck!

Long hair is also a perfect menace when it comes to eating...

skiing...

or operating industrial machinery.

From Monday the 1st May 1972, every male in Britain

and Northern Ireland over the age of 14 will be entitled to

a National Health haircut.

A cut will cost you nothing except the time taken to visit your doctor

and collect a prescription,

which you'll then be required to present

at your nearest National Health hairdresser.

They can be found at most chemists, Weighbridges and in the Royal Docks.

There are two cuts...

Both cuts strike the right balance between trendy and sensible.

You wont look square but you will look stylish.

So, use your head, have yourself a National Health haircut.

Er, excuse me,

is this the waiting room for the World's Biggest Building Competition?

-Yes.

-All right, thank you.

Well, what about this? The great Spagboletti.

MUSIC: "Funiculi, Funicula" By Peppino Turco

-Ciao!

-Ciao!

-Ciao!

-Ciao!

-Ciao!

-Ciao!

-Ciao!

-Ciao!

-Ciao!

-Ciao!

-Ciao!

-Ciao!

-Get on with it.

-Si.

Ciao! My name is the great Spagboletti.

All of my life, my arch enemy has a been Spaghetti Bolognese.

But why do you, an Italian man, hate Spaghetti Bolognese?

-I don't know?

-(He doesn't know!)

So, here you see tank containing Spaghetti Bolognese.

In which I will submerge myself up to my chin.

Wait till you see it. It's amazing.

In Italy, when I submerge myself up to my chin, women scream

and men punch themselves in the face.

In Milan, the men scream

and the women punch a themselves in the face but that's Milan for you.

Oh, Milan, Milan, Milan.

So, in this way I show my enemy that I do not fear him.

I shame him. This Spaghetti Bolognese!

-Right, so...

-I run out of a spit, you spit please?

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

-Grazie!

-Prego.

Right, so if you'd like to, er...

DRUM ROLLING

Right, so, there's not a lot I can say to prepare you for this.

So, quite simply, this is the great Spagboletti.

OK, now I show you, Mr meat based pasta dish!

Right now!

That's a right, it's me again! You thought I'd gone away.

Well, wrong again, you fool.

And I tell you, any second now,

you're going to wish you was never made.

Stay there, stay right there.

HE SNUFFLES

Hey, did I tell you how much I hate you?

Well, I tell a you now!

A LOT! I hate you...

Yeah, there is actually usually quite a bit of psyching up

before he goes in.

So, while that's going on,

here's an interesting fact about the great Spagboletti's homeland.

Like many countries in the Eurozone,

Italy is in the grip of an economic downturn

but in Italy the down-and-outs don't say, "Any spare change."

They sing things like...

# My mother fell in love with a man called Guido

# He was the Vineyard owner on the hill

# My father in a terrible rage of passion

# My mother and a Guido did a-kill

# Now I am so emotionally vulnerable That I cannot work but only cry

# So, give me a beggar just a few spare euros

# Or I'm afraid that I will starve and die! #

My father hated you. My father's father hated you too.

My father's father's father actually quite liked you -

but he was a freak!

And, anyway, HIS father hated you even more than I do.

-Er, great Spagboletti?

-Si.

Could you give us a little shout when you're actually going in?

No problem.

-Grazie.

-Prego.

And now this.

Now, my mother, she was ambivalent.

Mmm, this is nice. What is it?

Liquid.

Mmm, I love liquid.

Oh, Caroline's a bit of a liquid buff. Aren't you, love?

Yes, I do like my liquids.

THEY ALL CHUCKLE

So, what you driving these days then, Matt?

-A car. Made by a car manufacturer...

-Oh, very nice.

..with various features.

Argh!

Oh, I forgot to ask, how was the holiday in a hot country far away?

Oh, really nice.

But well, slightly spoiled for Adam by a minor mishap,

which brought about an embarrassing yet amusing set of circumstances!

THEY ALL LAUGH

I tell you what, about an event.

I know. I've reacted to it.

I read in a newspaper that it's been going on for a period of time.

Yeah, well, did you see a programme?

A man said an event was caused by another event.

-Well, I have an opinion about it.

-Oh, me too.

Well, mine's slightly different from yours.

Well, I didn't have an opinion about it

but I have a opinion about it now, which I've just made up on the spot.

A thing.

-A comment on that thing.

-I further comment on that thing.

An unrelated thing.

HE LAUGHS

"An unrelated thing"!

Here's another one for you. Knock-knock...

Yes?

Doctor, people seem to have a slight difficulty understanding me.

-Understonding you?

-Understanding me.

-Understinding you?

-Understanding me!

-Understeinding you?!

-Oh, never mind!

Never mooned?

-Forget it!

-Forgoot it?!

Doctors sketch there.

-Thanks, Alison.

-Ahh!

Time for the archive slot.

'Archoove slot?!'

All Fall Down was a hard-hitting 1984 television drama

written by award-winning playwright Ken Bleaksdale

and it followed the changing fortunes of a working class family

in recession-hit Liverpool.

Talk to me, Donnie! Why won't you talk to me?!

All right, Lizzie...

I'll talk to ya -

our Billy's on smack!

And I've been laid off.

There. What have ya got to say to that?

(I've got AIDS!)

Attracting plaudits and criticism in equal measure,

All Fall Down's uncompromising grittiness gave voice to the worries

and concerns of the simple everyman.

Militant, Sandinistic, Gravano, Trotskyite situationist...

..JESUS!

Can't there be a socialist utopia?

But in the final episode the mood grew somewhat darker.

One fish finger.

That's all there is. Just one fish finger.

There's only one fish finger.

There's nothing else but one fish finger.

Here it is, that's it.

Just one fish finger and it's a burnt fish finger.

That's all there is.

Mum, Dad, I've got something to say...

..I'm pregnant...

..and I've got AIDS!

And...I'm joining the Young Conservatives!

Finally, viewers were invited to contemplate the unthinkable.

'Attention. Britain is under nuclear attack from the Soviet Union.'

SIRENS WAILING 'Find shelter, immediately.

'Repeat, Britain is under nuclear attack from the Soviet Union.

'Find shelter, immediately.'

Imagine that?

A side-tracked underclass living in dire poverty

with no work and even less hope.

I'm implying that that's still going on, you know, in Britain today.

"Oh, hello, everybody, I'm Spaghetti Bolognese!"

HE SPITS

"I contain oregano and I'm a bloody brilliant!"

Well, I have news for you! You're not, you're rubbish!

Here, what have you to say to that?

Eh?

Nothing!

Ahhh!

You have a nothing to say to that. Typical!

SIRENS WAILING

What would it be like if fascist scum Adolf Hitler had actually

had the vocal tone of posh musical producer George Martin?

Hm? Eh? What?

So where did it all go wrong?

Well, I'm sure you've heard a lot of people say

that it was when the Japanese became involved

but that's far from the whole story.

I think we lost a lot of fans

when we started getting more experimental.

Suddenly we weren't the lovable National Socialists any more.

It was, "Oh, those crazy Nazi's,

"they're into administering weird drugs now."

And certainly there were personal differences.

Heinrich, for example,

was getting into all this far out annihilation of cultures and stuff.

In particular, the consciousness of anybody who wasn't German or a Nazi.

Whilst Goering just wanted to play drums.

But, whatever, they were fantastic times

and I wouldn't have missed them for the world.

Although, I suppose it was the world that I was after in the first place.

So I suppose, I would have missed them for the world

but not for anything else...

..not for anything else...

SIRENS WAILING AND BOOTS MARCHING

..not for anything...would I have missed them...

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-No! Not a single thing!

Would I have missed them for!

Fabulous times!

Yeah, it'd be like that.

SHOUTING AND SCREAMING

For some reason, we've got thousands of screaming pillows.

Down stuffed and louder than jets in reverse.

Buy one screaming pillow, get seven free.

Buy 7 screaming pillows and get 500 free! That's right.

You heard me! Absolutely free!

And we'll deliver your screaming pillows to your door, gratis!

Screaming pillows, get some today.

Argh!

Have you ever wanted to play a musical instrument like the stars?

Yeah. But it'd take ages.

No, it wont!

Because with Easyplay Teach Yourself Chair and Stick Guidebooks,

you can master your favourite pop hits in minutes.

Why not try the songs of Coldplay, arranged for chair and stick...

..or Kate Bush's The Sensual World arranged for chair and stick...

..or the music of Peter Andre arranged for chair and stick?

Just follow our easy system

and in no time you'll be playing chair and stick like a professional.

Why not get together with friends and form a band?

Easyplay Teach Yourself Chair and Stick Guidebooks.

Let the music move you.

Chair and stick not included.

I thought I'd bring Bob an artichoke,

to thank him for all the hard work he does about the place.

(Bob loves artichokes.)

Come in.

Hello, Bob.

Oh, thanks, Kevin! I love artichokes.

I'll just put it in my locker.

CRASHING AND SMASHING

Sometimes I wonder if you're making the best use of the space?

Don't you think?

Nah! I don't go in for all that Feng Shu palaver.

Hey, so you keep entrails in your locker?

Oh, yeah.

Right, well, I was just passing by. So, I'll just, erm...

Oh, no, no, no!

Oh, I think our hair's caught.

OK. So, pull after three. One, two, three...

OK, I'll just...

-Ta, for the artichoke.

-You're welcome.

Hi. My name is Paul Hamilton and I am a poet.

And, er, newsflash, so are you.

This week's poem chronicles

a supposedly romantic candlelit dinner for two,

which...didn't quite go as planned.

Personal experience.

This is called Hate Date.

You didn't like my Gooseberry wine You said you'd rather lager

You said, "What's wrong with microwaves?"

And sneered at my old Aga.

You would not watch Wings Of Desire the movie by Wim Wenders

Instead the shrieking cockney angst The foulness of Eastenders

My shirt, my hair, my Rothko prints All claimed your disapproval

And even my best underpants after trous-er removal

Oh, it was not surely love we made And not from heaven sent

You vomited my mango flan

You came and came Came one more time

You punched my cat then went.

Well, well, well, it's the White Coat Window

on the World of Worldwide Wonders

with the winningly wonderful Wendy Wilson.

-Wendy welcome and wa-wa-woo?

-I'm sorry?

-How are you? So, er, what are we looking at this week?

-Tits.

-HE TITTERS

-Yes, tits, Kevin.

Which stands for Totally Inquisitive Tone Syndrome.

Oh, and what is this syndrome?

Well, those infected are unable to make a simple statement of fact

without it sounding like a question.

Urgh! And you've got a sufferer with you here.

Yes. This is Daniel.

-Hi, Daniel. How are you?

-I'm fine?

Well, I've no idea if you're fine or not. I asked you, didn't I?

And there you have it.

Oh, of course, it's...

Tits. Go on, ask him a question.

OK, er, Daniel, er, where do you work?

In a call centre?

You might do.

Sorry, why do you think I would know where you...? Ah.

Tits.

So, I see you've got Daniel attached

to this, sort of, contraption gizmo thing. What's that?

Well, every time he makes a statement

that sounds like a question.

Daniel, tell me what two and two is.

-Four?

-I just push this button.

DANIEL SCREAMS

Right, so sort of aversion therapy?

-No, no, I just want to hurt him.

-Ah!

Thing is, there are millions like this irritating little maggot

and it's the fact that they try to make you complicit

that gets me so cross.

Watch this. Daniel, what did you do on Saturday?

I went to the shops?

Now, look at him. Look at him.

Oh, right. OK, I get it.

OK, so he actually believes that his statement, "I went to the shops,"

which, for no acceptable reason, he made sound like a question,

really was a question.

-Now he's waiting for you to give a totally unnecessary answer.

-Yes.

Oh, what a crispy wad!

-Well, may I?

-Please do?

THEY LAUGH

Ahh?

Oh, and again.

Ahh?

-My turn.

-Oh, yes...

Ahh?

Ahh?

'It's Kevin.'

I first met Paul through one of those websites

where people recommend single friends.

And his friend said that he was really nice

but that he was a bit stupid.

-What's that?

-It's just a wall.

Oh. Where?

Anyway, when I met him, it turns out he was more than a bit stupid.

I was thrilled, because I LOVE stupid men.

He's got a tattoo he did on himself of one of the Jedward boys.

Edward, cos he doesn't like Jon.

-Jon?!

-In Jedward.

Jon. No, they should call themselves Edward.

I done a tattoo on myself, there.

I've tried going out with intelligent men

but they're just so boring.

They know when to stop climbing when they go up a ladder...

-The floor's got big!

-..they do calculus, you know. Yawn.

I forgot I was sitting down.

Just feel SO lucky.

He votes for wobbly-voiced singers on the telly,

he queues up to go into Madame Tussauds,

he drinks all the water in the fountain in the shopping mall.

He is amazingly thick.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, he's noticed his leg.

Ho-ho, it's back again!

THEY LAUGH

'Hello, my name's Mr Nerd.'

'Oh, look, a train!'

'I love trigonometry!'

-Can I help?

-Hello, yes. It's this figurine.

Oh, yeah, the Mr Nerd. It's very funny.

Oh, is it? Well, let's have a listen, shall we?

'A female Doctor Who?! Blasphemy!'

HE LAUGHS

'What's wrong with smelling like a cabbage?'

HE LAUGHS

I happen to be a nerd.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

-Proud to be a nerd.

-Of course.

This, this obscenity reduces we nerds to one-dimensional cliches.

'Star Wars films are brilliant.'

There! I happen to think that Return of the Jedi is slightly below par.

'I live in a bedsit.'

Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha(!)

Actually, I reside in an attic,

in a house, which belongs to an alcoholic widow.

'I'm a virgin!'

'I collect comics.'

Hello? They're called graphic novels!

'I've got no friends.'

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong...wrong.

I do, actually. His name is Artey, he lives in Indonesia

and we meet on the Discworld chat forum

every Tuesday and Thursday evening at 1800 hours GMT.

He lives in Jakarta,

where he is the assistant head of the stationary department.

He is the head of the paperclips and staples section

and his main interests are paperclips and staples...

BONGOS PLAYING

Hey, you listening down there, Mr Bolognese?

Think of your worst nightmare!

You thinking of it?

Now multiply it by 20 and add 100 and that's a what's a facing you now.

Oh, boy...

Let's have a look at what's on next week's show.

Here I come, or no I don't! Here I come, or no I don't!

I'll be haunting a teddy bears' nest...

Woo!

..we research the top ten most callous ringtones.

At number ten a man falling off a stepladder...

MAN SHOUTING AND GROANING

..and mothers-in-law, are they really extinct?

We go in search of the politically incorrect comedy staple.

Look, look, look, there she is!

Miserable old cow!

And now, to play us out, a song about bullying in the workplace.

And there's nothing funny about that.

Argh! SPLASHING

# I work in a supermarket on the outskirts of the town

# It's a steady job and I earn a few bob

# But there's one thing brings me down

# My section supervisor is a man who's name is Brad

# He's rude and he's crude Often in a bad mood

# And that makes me kind of sad

# He makes me fill the big deep freezer every single day

# I shiver and I shake and it's hard to take

# But there's nothing I can say

# He mocks my trousers in the canteen And he clips my ear

# Spits in my cup and trips me up And I live my life in fear

# But I will kidnap Brad and I will drive him to a derelict barn

# I will tie him to a hay rig with a sturdy length of yarn

# And I will make a big jam sandwich

# I will place it on the floor

# Very soon Brad will get peckish Then one thing I know for sure

# He will see that big jam sandwich lying there upon the hay

# "How I want that big jam sandwich" Is what Brad is bound to say

# But I will take that big jam sandwich

# "Mmm, I'll say, this looks delish!

# "I think that this big jam sandwich would make quite a tasty dish"

# Then I will eat that big jam sandwich right before his very eyes

# That will teach that Brad some manners

# That will cut him down to size

# Then Brad will respect me Then Brad will respect me I hope. #

HE SPITS

Hmph!

CAR ENGINE FAILS TO START

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd