Episode 1 James and Jupp

Elis James, comedian.

Born in Wales, lives in England.

Miles Jupp, comedian.

Born in England, lives in Wales.

These are our journeys across Wales by land, sea and rail.

TRAIN WHISTLE BLASTS

-So you've moved to Wales.

-That is right.

You've been on holidays here.

I've spent a lot of time here. But I'm hungry.

I want to know more. I want to see more. I want to feel more.

Well, guess who your ideal guide is.

Well, my ideal guide would be Rhod Gilbert.

Yes, he's unavailable.

Guess who's available.

Stop! We've made a terrible mistake! CHUCKLING

Argh!

That is not what nature is for.

-Always indicate.

-ELIS LAUGHS

It's a classic one-two combination.

Ah! THEY LAUGH

SHE LAUGHS

The English have got the M1.

Well, we've got that.

I would like you to open that up and try eating it on camera.

And then I'll tell you why.

Great. OK, I haven't actually paid for that, Elis.

That is now theft.

-So, welcome to...

-James.

-And Jupp.

So, for the first of our adventures, Miles,

I thought I'd make things easy for you

by starting quite near to where you live.

Elis, you are a gentleman.

I don't need to tell you at home, this is downtown Monmouth.

It's a busy town, full of busy people.

That is the Shire Hall, that is the statue to Charles Stewart Rolls,

the man behind Rolls-Royce.

I'm meeting Miles at nine o'clock.

It's now eight minutes past, but that's fine.

It's his prerogative to be...

-Well, here he is.

-Hello.

-How are you, big man?

-I'm all right.

Not at all bad. Welcome to Monmouth.

Thank you. I hope you're looking forward

to me showing you all that Wales has to offer in a day.

-In a day?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Er, OK.

-We're going up Wales' Route 66.

-Well, that sounds..

-The A470.

That sounds suitably white-knuckle.

-Great.

-Excellent. What are we travelling in?

-Well...

-Is this...

is this perhaps a little clue as to what we're going to be...?

Mr Charles Rolls?

Who knows?

Anyway...

your steed awaits.

Is it a sort of Silver Spirit or something?

Not quite, Miles.

This is the debut of the James and Jupp-mobile. Look at that.

Do you want to put your suitcase in the back?

I think you like this car rather more than I do, to be honest.

Well, it's perfect for a series of trips around Wales,

like this one from the soft posh bit around Monmouth to the altogether

more manly part, the north,

and our destination, Snowdonia.

We've got one stop planned halfway up, near Rhayader, and by tonight

we'll be in Trawsfynydd and have I got a treat for you there.

Oh, super.

This is Monnow Street.

Just showing off some of my local knowledge there, which, let's face

it, after we get past Abergavenny, tails off somewhat.

Still, worth making the most of what little I have.

Lovely early indicating, Elis.

Excellent roundabout technique.

Mm, thank you, Miles. Glad somebody noticed.

And this is Rockfield Road, Elis, that you're driving round.

-Is it?

-You know where you're going?

-Yeah.

-You know the actual...

In broad strokes, I don't know if you know the sort of actual...

Queen, Led Zeppelin, Oasis, the Stone Roses, they all recorded here.

Most stuff recorded at Rockfield Studio.

Bohemian Rhapsody, for instance.

Morning Glory was done at Rockfield.

Er...the whole album?

Yeah, I think so.

# And all the roads that lead you there are winding

# And all the lights that light the way are blinding

# There are many things that I

# Would like to say to you

# But I don't know how... #

It's funny, isn't it, because when you think of all the great records

that were made at Rockfields,

there also would've been some absolute dross.

-Oh, yeah, yeah...

-You know, statistically...

Yeah, everything... Well, I once said to...

-Do you know Rick Wakeman?

-Oh, yeah, from Yes.

Yeah. I was once sharing a dressing room with him on a charity gig.

And I said to him,

"I mean, you played the piano on Life On Mars, Rick."

MUSIC: Life On Mars by David Bowie

"That is such an amazing thing.

"And every day when you wake up, how many minutes pass before you think,

"I played the piano on Life On Mars"?

And he said,

"Well, you also have to remember how many Des O'Connor albums

-"I played on."

-ELIS LAUGHS

# Dick-a-dum-dum a-dick-a-dum-dum

# A-dick-a-dum-dum a-dick-a-dum-dum

# Get a car, get a Mini car

# Get a Mini go-go car And go, boy

# Any time that the day is fine you can find a line of the boys

# Who stop to seek that certain rare one

# A-dick-a-dum-dum a-dick-a-dum-dum

# A-dick-a-dum-dum a-dick-a-dum-dum. #

We're not on it yet.

But we will shortly be on the A470.

Which is our Highway 61, it's our Route 66.

Have you been on the A470 before, Miles?

-I never have, actually.

-Right.

I've never gone that route.

I've gone west quite often.

-OK.

-But I've not gone north.

Well, it's a long old drive.

And I hope you don't like the toilet.

Because there are very few places to stop.

Right.

And if you get stuck behind a tractor,

a journey that could take hours...will take years.

See, this is a perfect example of what we're going to be stuck behind

on the A470.

I suppose being stuck behind a tractor that's going really slowly,

you sort of think, "Well, it's enormous, it's hard to manoeuvre."

And when you are stuck behind a bicycle...

Yeah, drop-handled bike. ..you think...

This is a pre-watershed programme so we're going to have to find

-a pre-watershed way of...

-Yeah.

-..expressing, erm,

-frustration.

-Oh, come on, you fridge!

Yeah, that sort of... Yeah, exactly.

-You...

-Oh, move over, you stupid...goose.

Yeah. Yeah, we could use fowl, couldn't we?

Yeah.

-Duck.

-What a...

..potted pigeon.

Right, status report,

we're taking the little B-road across to Abergavenny.

We haven't hit the A470 yet...

..the toiletlessness of which has already left me in a sweaty panic.

Well, what happens is

commuters from North to South Wales

and vice versa who travel up and down the A470 a lot,

they end up developing these camel-like bladders.

-Oh, right.

-I know a few North Walians based in Caernarfon...

-And they can go for a fortnight.

-Oh, yeah. Easily. Easily.

So, I'm still feeling relatively at home in these parts,

but for someone like yourself,

born in Haverfordwest and raised in Carmarthen,

I'm not sure if you even think this is proper Wales.

I remember once being at a gig...

In fact, I was doing the gig, you were compering.

And you asked if there was anyone else Welsh in the audience.

And someone said yes. And you said, "Where are you from?"

And they said Monmouth and you went, "Doesn't count."

I am good value.

-Yeah, it was...

-If there are any comedy bookers out there watching,

that's the kind of gold you can expect from this guy.

Right, we're making some progress.

But we're still very much in South Wales.

And I'm thinking, "Well, surely we're nearly there, aren't we?"

And I'm thinking, "You definitely haven't done this journey before."

So, this road is a little link through some pretty glorious

countryside, actually,

to what will be for us the first time we join the A470 -

the big route north.

OK. So I've eased you in a bit...

-Er...

-I've eased you in.

-Uh-huh.

-And the A470 begins...

-now.

-This is it, is it?

-This is it!

-Right.

Well, it feels so different, instantly.

-Yeah.

-Goodness...

Goodness! It's like going to another land.

Well, it's like going into a different dimension, I always think.

We are now in 5-D.

Wow. Wow.

-This is...

-The A470...

How do you say that? Llamfair-ym-Mult...?

Llanfair-ym-Muallt.

This is...

This is the Wales you always knew it could be.

But before you knew it, you've turned off the A470.

Well, that's because, if you remember,

I had a little detour to make.

Oh, I do remember.

So, this bridge...

..was built in 1922...

Yeah.

..and I don't know what you think...

-Are you reading all this off a sign, Elis?

-Yeah.

-OK.

I don't know what you think the dictionary definition

-of rickety is...

-Oh.

-CREAKING

Listen to that.

It's like the rope bridge in Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom.

How big a drop is that, do you think?

It would give you a shock, I think.

-The water's also...

-Well, it's into shallow water.

That would be one of the most shocking things about it.

It's about a foot deep. You'd probably break both your ankles

and end up with a superb anecdote.

I reckon you'd have time to make one wry remark before we hit the...

Yeah.

I think I'd just bomb it.

I think you'd be an eyebrow lift.

Oh...

Oh, here we go.

-Yeah. "Oh!"

-"Oh, it never rains!"

Right, we're hanging a Larry, er...

What's happening now, then?

Well, this road... I've taken you off the A470 because this road...

Lovely straight road, actually.

It runs parallel to the old railway track.

In fact, I think this WAS the old railway track.

-Now, look at this.

-This was an old railway bridge.

Lovely.

Lovely road and all that, but there was something else quite pressing

that I really needed to broach at this point.

Do you think this is the hottest day of the year?

I think so. I think this is the hottest day in history.

Of the decade possibly.

I can feel my... I'm so hot I can actually feel

my body changing shape.

The director had told us to keep the air-con off and the windows shut.

I'm really looking forward to

-a moment we can open the windows again, Elis...

-Me too.

Do you mind if I have a quick short blast?

WINDOW SQUEAKS

-Oh, yeah. VOICEOVER:

-We are such rebels.

So, after lunch in Builth Wells...

We needed to get some miles under our belt.

And things were improving.

The weather was even cooling a little.

And we had a date with nature at a farm just outside Rhayader.

-So, we've finally stepped out of the car...

-Mm.

..to experience our first bit of cloud cover of the day.

-That's nice, isn't it?

-Yeah, I love it.

But, anyway, where are we and why?

We are at a red kite feeding centre.

The red kite, Wales' bald eagle.

Previously endangered.

Now, because of places like this, loads of them.

Right. Too many?

Too many, if anything, yeah.

They're a pest. I have a little challenge for you.

I've been given two very snazzy cameras.

And the challenge is we need to take a cracking photo of a red kite.

-Like the one on the back wall there.

-Yeah.

It's a cracking shot, but I think photography is just point and shoot,

-isn't it?

-OK, I want those words to be reverberating

-around your skull...

-All right, fair enough.

-..when you're handed second prize.

-Maybe I'm wrong. I'm probably wrong.

In our very small red kite photography competition.

But the birds won't pose for us at all if they're not fed,

so it was off to the hides, where Colin, the head of offal,

was waiting to meet us.

-Hi, guys. Hi, Elis.

-Hello, nice to meet you, Colin.

-Miles.

-Hi, Colin, how are you?

-You're going to come in the tractor with me,

-are you, today?

-Yeah.

-Feed some kites.

-Looking forward to it.

Am I appropriately dressed for it?

-It's just been sprung on me by Elis.

-Not too muddy there today.

Jump in then, Miles, and we'll go and feed the kites.

This was perhaps the pinnacle of my television career to date,

distributing bits of liver, brain, toes,

other unmentionables and testicles, all in front of an eager crowd.

Not exactly fine dining.

He's not dressed appropriately for throwing offal with a spade at all.

Put your back into it, man.

And then something unexpected happened.

Very few birds appeared.

-For ages.

-Yes, we were poised in the hide, but no birds to speak of.

In fact, we ended up taking pictures of ourselves.

Then a few more appeared - but still nothing to get excited about.

Why aren't they more interested in my meat?

I've absolutely... I've flung...

personally, 20kg of raw meat over...

-BIRD SHRIEKS

-Hello.

And then it happened.

With one fell swoop, literally,

this was the signal for the red kite task force to make their way to the

target zone, and begin Operation Offal.

Suddenly, we had too many photo opportunities.

"Colin the Offal" had given me a tip

to pick just one bird with your camera and

keep following it.

Which was a bit of advice that I wasn't given.

I've been trying to take the definitive photo of a red kite

and I've now taken 776 photos and I think they are all rubbish.

Right then, El, let's go and find out who's the winner.

Bitter, bitter competition time.

ELIS LAUGHS

Time to see Elis' work.

-Chaos...

-Chaos.

-..chaos,

-chaos...

-Chaos.

-More chaos.

Anxiety dream... MILES LAUGHS

..anxiety dream, anxiety dream...

OK, Miles, let's see your efforts.

Oh. Oh, there we are. That was a little bit of Elis James.

Look, the little French boy.

IN FRENCH ACCENT: Hello, hello. My name is Elis,

I'm a French exchange student. Hello!

Yeah. Well, I think...

..through sheer good luck, you've taken in some quite nice photos,

-Miles.

-I don't mind it, mate.

-Yeah?

-I don't mind it, mate.

-This chap's attacking...

I mean, they are just... Ooh!

I don't mind it, mate.

Sadly, I'm going to have to admit that you've won, I think.

I think I need to get you back on the road.

The sun is just starting to break through again.

If it's as hot this afternoon as it was this morning,

I'm going to be in a state of complete despair.

Back on the A470,

through Rhayader...

and the open road.

And the sun was back, beating its heart out onto our little Mini,

but we didn't care.

No, we were enjoying ourselves and soaking up the glories of Mid Wales.

So, where is this, El?

This is Caersws.

Now, then.

I've been told

that there's something very interesting down this little street.

-Oh, yeah?

-But I'm not entirely sure what.

But apparently, it will become apparent when we see it.

-Is it...?

-It can't be Caersws Village Club.

-Surely not.

-A pub umbrella that's been blown over by the wind?

-Could it be that?

-Maybe. Nice little church.

Houses with swastikas on...?

What have we got there, then?

From what I can tell,

it's a row of fascist houses.

-Extraordinary.

-Presumably they were built before the 1930s.

-Because why else would they have...?

-Also they're backwards.

Why else would you have a brickwork swastika in your house?

WINDOW SQUEAKING DROWNS SPEECH

Do you think that increases or decreases the value of the house?

Having a swastika on it? I would have thought it...

-Do you know what it reminds me of? It reminds...

-If you look on a

property website and it says put in keywords, specific things you're

looking for... "Two beds, garden, want to be within 15 minutes' walk

of a train station...

"Must have a swastika on the front."

It reminds me of that house in Swansea that looks like Hitler.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right.

Well, I'm absolutely amazed.

Back on the road again.

And a chance at last for some sensible conversation.

Now, where we are now, Elis, it's unmistakably Wales.

I mean, it's very lush, very green. Verdant.

Oh, good word!

But it's not, erm...

It's not rugged, is it?

Right. We are still in Mid Wales.

We've just come out of Caersws.

That's Mid Wales, man.

That's as mid as it gets.

-Yeah.

-In terms of ruggedness, we are at the five o'clock shadow stage.

We're going to get to the Bwlch Pass, which is where you could argue

North Wales starts,

then that is long beard down to the waist rugged.

-I mean...

-Trendy butcher-beard rugged.

You turn a corner and then suddenly...

It's brutal.

It's brutal. It's brutal scenery.

It's the kind of stuff, that if it was

a part of the Tour de France, the commentators would go,

"Oh, you're really going to feel it now in your legs.

"Look at these steep, steep hills.

"How's that for an ascent?"

-Etc.

-OK, yeah.

Are you one of those people that finds yourself,

you're so immersed in sports that you're able to

slip into sort of commentary mode

-at the drop of a hat?

-Yeah.

If I was doing a long drive like this on my own,

I would choose a football match

and then I would commentate on it in my mind.

And you would do that out loud?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

And if I'm giving a lift to another comic who also likes football,

-we'll do that as well.

-So I could be the assistant commentator and I can

-just throw an extra...

-The Merseyside Derby...

-Yeah.

..famously known as the friendly Derby, but today...

..it's a city divided.

Quite right, Gary. That's what the other guy needs to say, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-Is that your job if you're the assistant commentator?

-Yeah.

Go, "Quite right, Gary"?

We are driving through,

I would class it as five o'clock shadow rugged terrain.

Certainly not beard-down-to-the-waist

trendy-butcher rugged terrain.

The sort of thing that people might refer to as Welsh countryside, Gary.

The undulating hills, there's trees away to our left and ahead of us,

a range of hills, I'm sure you know the names of the hills, Gary.

Course I do. This is the kind of rugged countryside that someone like

Bradley Wiggins laps up.

He laps it up.

Now, I've seen a wind farm.

Hello, what's that up ahead?

Look up, easy as I like,

a couple of them right up on the hill, round they go

in an anti-clockwise fashion.

Not the way I'd have done it myself.

But it seems to work for them.

Generating electricity for boys and girls, men and women,

however you self-identify, enabling you to put the kettle on

or maybe switch on your laptop

or perhaps simply to plug in an Ambi Pur and get rid of that appalling

smell that for some reason hangs around your living room.

Excellent people, of course,

those that work for the renewable energy section.

And we send them, as ever, our best on this day,

which is of course derby day.

A lot of action out there in the stands.

A hell of a lot of fans there, they're mingling,

they're enjoying fun. High spirits, I think.

I happened to walk...

Make my own way through the streets to the ground,

Gary, and I was impressed...

I was impressed with the atmosphere out there.

The bonhomie, if you will,

the atmosphere of convivencia that's spread throughout people from both

sides, taking it in turns to hold each other's hands

and singing songs.

Couple of cheeky ones, but I think we're prepared to forgive them on a

day such as this.

Lot of Bovril of course on sale in the cafe underneath the stands.

I myself am looking forward to half-time in order to get a nice hot

pie that I can eat as we deliver our award-winning analysis of the game.

Just a few moments away now from kick-off,

time to have a look at the teams. If you talk us through them, Gary.

Either way, as we come into Cwmllinau

on the hottest day of the year...

Quite right, Gary, the hottest day of the year.

There are bits of me that are wet that I didn't know had sweat glands.

You're right. It is such a long way.

But we've made some progress and we're now entering

Snowdonia National Park.

-Oh, hang on.

-Now, look at this.

Look, look, look.

-Yeah.

-Suddenly...

It's...

Suddenly it's a five o'clock shadow turning into...

-a week-long...

-Suddenly soft...

Soft grassy hills suddenly turning into something rather different.

Now these... We're driving up through I believe what are called

interlocking spurs.

-Are we?

-I think that's what they're called, yeah.

If you lived here, how could you ever feel sad?

-Snowdonia?

-Yeah.

I would just

stare at that and think, "It's not bad, is it, life?"

# You got the love

# You got the love

# You got the love

# You got the love

# You got the love

# You got the love

# You got the love

# You got the love

# You got the love

# You got the love

# You got the love

# You got the love

# Love. #

Absolutely stunning.

Well, after that, we just had to get out, didn't we?

It was absolutely incredible up there.

But a little on the windy side, though.

True, but then, it was very hot in the car, did we mention that?

Oh!

Argh!

Ah!

Whoa! That is...that is bracing.

That is what you need as well, though, after a drive in this sort

-of temperature.

-Do you know what?

The English have got the M1.

And we've got that.

Chug, chug, chugging along.

Still, to come here, having started in, what, Monmouth,

we met up in this morning, a few hours in the car, suddenly,

look at this, it's incredible.

But, really, it's the wind I'm appreciating right now after sitting

in that hot car for all that time.

I do, I want to...

take my trousers off and...

just let my body hang like washing in the breeze.

I like a long drive,

if only helicopter travel was more affordable for the commuter.

-Yeah.

-It would revolutionise North-South Wales relations.

That really is it? That is... That's the MAIN road?

-That's it.

-Extraordinary.

-That's the main arterial road.

If you've got a meeting in Cardiff, mate...

-Crikey.

-..that's what you want to do.

But you do get to see all this.

-Yeah.

-And if you are a bit hot in the car, you can just get out,

wander into a field and just sort of stretch yourself out a bit...

-Commune.

-..and allow yourself to be wind-dried.

Commune with nature.

Chat with the sheep.

If we weren't making a sort of TV series right now, I mean,

-I'd have all of this off.

-Oh, yeah.

Aw, these trousers would be a thing of the past.

So, with the Bwlch Pass behind us,

it's now a long descent into the foothills of Snowdonia.

And you need to look lively, Miles,

because we are nearly at journey's end.

I've chosen here as our stop for the night

because there's more to this place than meets the eye.

VOICEOVER: Ah, there's Margaret, the owner.

-VOICEOVER:

-Margaret, the owner, who you appear to dress like.

Yes, and it is a look that works for both of us.

Anyway, this is the treat I had in store for you.

Yes, this is the only B&B in the whole of Snowdonia National Park -

and I've googled this - that offers en suite model railway facilities.

Oh, I see, and it's got platform announcements.

Oh, there's loads of trains.

I hope those platform announcements are bilingual, Margaret.

And if they're not, I will gladly do the voice-overs.

Oh, excellent. Excellent.

What is the Welsh for rail replacement bus service?

THEY LAUGH

At this point, I had a quick lesson from Elis' style icon, Margaret,

on how to control the train.

Then tried to get Elis with the old speed up...

..slow down...speed up again trick.

Well, it passed the time.

And now, for Mr James and Mr Jupp, their arduous journey was at an end.

It's been quite a day, hasn't it?

Yeah, and this is actually just the start of our North Wales adventure.

Oh, yes.

There'll be much, much more

next time.

What could improve a beautiful lake?

A decommissioned nuclear power station.

I see your full bladder

and raise you a full bowel.

So I'm sort of, erm, climbing up Snowdon...

We're going up a mountain,

he's talking as if he's, like, choosing what to wear at the BAFTAs.

-I feel pretty cool actually.

-You look it.

I think that anyone who gets the train up is a wimp.

We've been up further than you!

I like to do things the easy way!

Do you think the thinness of the air is making us talk rubbish?

ELIS LAUGHS