Episode 2 James and Jupp

Elis James, comedian.

Born in Wales, lives in England.

Miles Jupp, comedian.

Born in England, lives in Wales.

These are our journeys across Wales by land, sea and rail.

-So you've moved to Wales...

-That is right.

You've been on holidays here.

I've spent a lot of time here. But I'm hungry.

You know, I want to know more.

I want to see more. I want to feel more.

Well, guess who your ideal guide is.

Well, my ideal guide would be Rhod Gilbert.

Yes, he's unavailable. Guess who's available.

Stop, we made a terrible mistake!

SCREAMING

That is not what nature is for.

Always indicate.

It's a classic 1-2 combination.

LAUGHTER

The English, you've got the M1.

We've got that.

I would like you to open that up and try eating it on camera,

and then I'll tell you why.

Great. OK, I haven't actually pay for that, Elis.

That is now theft.

So, welcome to...

-James...

-And Jupp.

We travelled all the way from Monmouth in softly rolling

south Wales up the A470 to Trawsfynydd

in the jaggedy foothills of Snowdonia.

Yes, we saw some sites.

Whoa!

That is bracing.

Fed our feathered friends...

He's not dressed appropriately for throwing offal with a spade at all.

Put your back into it, man.

Found these...

From what I can tell...

..it's a row of fascist houses.

And went a bit crazy in the hot weather.

On the hottest day of the year...

Quite right, Gary, the hottest day of the year.

There are bits of me that are wet that I didn't know had sweat glands.

And after a pleasant night at a B&B

with ensuite model railway facilities,

we were ready to start the next part of our adventure.

Well, one of us was anyway.

-Morning.

-Morning. Are you packed?

Er... No, no.

So yesterday we had driven from Monmouth up the A470,

through Builth Wells, Rhayader, Caersws -

you name a Welsh market town, we went through it -

before finally arriving at Trawsfynydd,

which is, of course, famous for its beautiful lake.

So, when in Trawsfynydd, it's the law that you must visit the lake.

There we are in our little Mini.

And there was absolutely no-one else about.

Apart from a film crew, of course, and a few choice sheep.

Right then, Miles. I'm about to show you something.

Is it a crime scene?

No. What is the one thing that could improve a beautiful lake?

A pedalo hire centre.

No, you're wrong.

It's a decommissioned nuclear power station.

-Check that out.

-Oh, look at that.

Trawsfynydd nuclear power station...

-That is brutal, isn't it?

-Yeah.

I don't mean unpleasant... Architecturally, that is...

That is classic brutalism.

It hasn't provided any electricity since 1991.

It's going to take a century to fully decommission.

What, to be fully safe?

Well, I imagine so. It's just there.

I think it's... In the background of all the mountains, it's quite weird.

It looks like a little bit of Soviet Russia that's been plonked in the

-middle of North Wales.

-Just a collage...

-Yes.

Someone has made. Who designed it?

The same guy who designed Coventry Cathedral.

-Oh, Sir Basil Spence. That'll be.

-It's nice here, isn't it?

It's glorious. It is quite safe, isn't it, nuclear power?

-Why are they...?

-I imagine so.

Let's not get into the rights and wrongs of nuclear power.

Keep it light.

You give me a pedalo hire centre, I'll keep it light.

I went on a school trip once to a power station.

Did you? Which one? Sellafield?

-Hinkley, I think.

-Oh, yeah.

I just remember our parents all had to fill in a lot of forms.

Came back with a hairy chest.

You know... You know... Yeah, we all had to go for monitoring

-once every 18 months. I think it was fine.

-Yeah, yeah.

No flowers will grow around our graves.

But I think... I think...

Do you know? It was a very informative afternoon.

Well, we couldn't hang around there all day.

No, I had a treat in store and I needed to go shopping.

-Do you remember?

-With painful clarity.

So, we started at Trawsfynydd,

which is sort of at the bottom of Snowdonia,

and we were going to climb Snowdon the next day,

but first I had this little treat planned for Miles near Betws-y-Coed.

Now, where's this?

We are going through the slate capital of the world,

Blaenau Ffestiniog or 50 Shades Of Gray, as it's usually known.

But today, even Blaenau was looking quite colourful.

Well, for Blaenau.

I, Miles, am about to offer you the ride of a lifetime.

Well...

A big claim, Elis. Big claim.

So, this was the... What was it called?

The Fforest Coaster, Miles.

Oh, yeah, all right. Thanks.

Now, I couldn't remember the name of the ride but check this out,

your face when I suggest going on the same sled together.

Can we... Can two adults go in one?

You'd like that, wouldn't you? To go in a car with me?

-No, not really.

-I think that'd be good.

-Yeah. It should be fine.

-I'll get in the back, Elis...

Yeah, if you hop in that front one there for the kids.

That was absolutely brutal.

Where is the... Where is the brake?

Yeah, you put your foot in there

and you put your foot on the other side as well.

Who is in charge of the brake?

Yeah, the guy behind is in charge of the brake.

If you don't enjoy this, Elis, there is something wrong with you.

-It's very snug.

-Snug and comfortable-ish.

-Yeah...

-Do you want to know how you drive?

-That's a panic grip.

I've got a very full bladder, Miles.

Yeah...

-You know what? I can sense that from here.

-OK.

Two things. You're squeezing my bladder.

-Yeah.

-Um...

-That can only be with my thighs.

And as you're in charge of the brake...

-Oh, yeah.

-Bear my bladder in mind.

-I... Listen...

I see your full bladder and raise you a full bowel.

And when I say full...

To the brim.

Currently, three heavy meals.

Honestly. One bowl of bran flakes...

I don't know why I suggested this.

No, you're not looking like you're enjoying it.

While you, on the other hand, are loving it,

which was making me not love it even more.

# I am what I am... #

I look like a condemned man.

You look like a character at the end of an incredibly sad film.

Possibly Scandinavian.

I am now riddled with doubt

about every decision I've ever made in my life.

This looks like a reconstruction of someone's final journey.

SCREAMING

Don't really want to be blasting out of this corner.

Oh...

Argh!

Oh...

-That was very relaxing, I thought.

-Argh!

-I tell you what?

-I've got tears running down my face.

That almost certainly got things going.

That is not what nature is for.

That was excellent. Did you enjoy that?

Wee! Loved it, he loved it!

Oh, he loved it, he loved it! It was good. It was good, wasn't it?

Absolutely vile.

-What are you doing, you muppet?!

-BLEEP!

Urgh!

Did you mean to do that?

I assumed the mechanism took over.

-Apologies.

-Sorry, mate.

-It's all right.

-I'm being driven by an absolute burke.

I did the same as well.

Sorry...

That was absolutely excellent.

Excellent. You promised the ride of a lifetime, Elis.

I loved that. Very good.

Elis did not... I think you enjoyed it less.

-Is that fair to say?

-Yeah.

-Elis made noises throughout.

-Very upsetting...

-Natural noises.

Unnatural noises, I would have thought.

It was like I was sort of holding on to a bag full of very sick piglets

with a series of upsetting digestive issues.

Yeah, but, I was trying to go with my instincts.

-I was trying to express...

-Very poor instincts.

Yeah. I was trying to express with the experience was actually like.

-It was exhilarating. It was bracing.

-With my noises.

-Yeah.

-I just forget as well that most of my life is spent

trying to minimise thrill.

So then to do something like that...

I can't believe it was technically my treat.

It was, yeah. As my treat, I think we are going to have lunch,

which I think you've earned an ice cream.

Just nine Magnums for lunch.

-OK.

-And then maybe a Calippo for pudding.

Let's go then.

Turn left here, Miles.

Right, adrenaline buzz over.

Where to next? Oh, I remember.

Just a little trip to Betws-y-Coed town centre, Miles.

Which may well have the greatest number of outdoor clothing shops

per capita in the universe.

They've got about two each, I reckon.

Here it is. Very pretty place.

I needed to go there, you see,

because I needed to get a pair of boots for the next day's climb.

You need to kit yourself out.

-It's important.

-Right, it's not a climb, is it?

It's a walk. Anyway, this sort of admin should have been

sorted out weeks ago.

Look at him.

Elis James is obsessed with cagoules to the point where it's a disorder.

Yeah.

We've got some nice fleeces to go underneath here as well.

So, I'm sort of climbing up Mount Snowdon...

-Everything, got it all...

-Right then, OK. Looking...

-There we go. You're at the summit now.

-I can see...

I'm at the summit. I can see... I'm ordering a cup of...

Ordering a cup of coffee in the cafe.

Sat on the train.

-Perfect.

-Now it's time for a...

What do you think of this?

It's like, we're going up a mountain.

He's talking as if he's choosing what to wear at the BAFTAs.

I personally think that's perfect for me.

Oh, God. Hats now.

-I think you look the part now.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-I feel pretty cool, actually.

-You look it.

-I feel like a new man.

-A practical new man.

-You're ready for the mountains now.

Please, get out of my shop.

Mission accomplished.

-Spent enough?

-Yeah, yeah. I am quite pleased with all the stuff I've got,

-actually.

-Got good boots?

-Boots.

For crying out loud!

Well, that spirit-shattering exercise took up most of the day.

And now the rain was closing in.

Even more reason, Miles, to have some proper gear.

Looking forward to conquering Snowdon.

Yeah, yeah. We'll need crampons, ropes, you've got all that.

I assume, in those two enormous bags of stuff.

I'm really going to look the part.

You must have been buying some things that were not in any way

-relevant to our trip.

-No, but you know...

You basically have taken me to a shop and then gone shopping.

-Yeah.

-I know that is what people do in shops but I sort of felt used

-back there.

-You played a wonderful grouchy husband, by the way.

-Thank you.

-Whilst Mrs Elis really got stuck into the sale.

Yes, I should have sat outside the fitting room

with all the other men...

-Going, "It's only money"...

-Talking about football.

Yeah... That's where I would have come unstuck.

So, we were off to stay the night near Llanberis

because my plan to climb Snowdon the next day actually involved

getting a lift two thirds of the way up on the mountain railway.

But would we have a view?

Well, apparently, it almost never happens,

but if you are on the top of Snowdon,

and it's a completely clear day,

you can apparently see Pembrokeshire,

right at the bottom end of South Wales.

-Really?

-Apparently.

But it is so high, it will inevitably be cloudy,

-misty up there.

-Yeah, it will be quite windy, I think.

-Yeah.

-How many layers are you going to wear?

The waterproof jacket, topless underneath, I think.

And then it was back to our hotel for an early night,

where I had a nightmare about being held hostage

in an outdoor clothing store.

-Next morning...

-Llanberis station, punishingly early.

And the weather, not looking great.

But I am full of the joys.

Here we are, then. Snowdon Mountain Railway.

Let the train take the strain.

That's the staff entrance that way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I've got contacts, haven't I, Miles?

Is there anyone in this country you don't know, Elis, who aren't related

-to you in some way?

-It's exciting.

We're going to use the staff loos and everything?

-Yeah, yeah.

-I cannot wait.

OK, fact fans, the Snowdon Mountain Railway was built in 1896.

And they still have steam trains which haul themselves

up the mountain on a toothed track.

Unbelievably interesting,

but we weren't going on the steam train today.

No, we had diesel power.

Now, I had cleverly managed to get us on the staff train.

It's the one that takes the workers up to the cafe on the summit.

And the plan was for us to get dropped off

about two thirds of the way up.

-Are you sure we are allowed on here?

-Contacts, Miles. Contacts.

As I remember it, pretty much all the conversation was about how

resplendent you looked in your new boots,

which the producer had to buy for you as you had no money.

Yeah, well, my debit card was...

Stop judging me.

You are a drain on public resources.

OK, so we're now going up, Elis.

I'm not saying I don't trust this whole thing, but...

-It's exciting, isn't it?

-How can this be happening?

I don't know. I'm just going to sit back and enjoy it.

-Right.

-I'm going to trust whichever genius came up with this.

Let physics take the strain.

Physics or meteorology was going to play its part though, wasn't it?

It didn't take long before we entered the eerie cloud

and had a very misty ascent up the mountain.

We are at 1,600 feet, 500 metres, halfway up.

The air's getting thinner.

The sheep on the line are looking a little bit iller.

When the mist clears, will be we able to see...?

You get more grass, I suppose.

What I like about it is the people behind us, the staff,

are like normal commuters anywhere else.

All listening to headphones, reading books.

And yet their journey to work is up a mountain.

The biggest mountain in Wales.

Yeah. Yeah. If you miss this train, you are very late for your shift.

So, Chloe, you work at the top of Snowdon?

-Yes, I do. In the shop.

-In the shop.

So this is your journey to work every day.

Yeah, every morning at eight o'clock.

-It's brilliant.

-Is it normal to you now?

-Are you used to it?

-It's something that you do just become used to.

Well, that lady is reading War and Peace.

-Yeah.

-Like she's on the tube or something.

It's remarkable. Does the card machine work up the mountain?

-Yeah, it does.

-Is it contactless?

-Yeah.

-Oh, OK.

Well, I'm going to buy a fridge magnet off you later,

if that's all right. I might get Elis one, if he's good.

This was our stop, Clogwyn.

Still apparently on Network Rail's upgrade list.

There is an Upper Crust, but it's tucked out of the way,

-like the one at Newport.

-Thank you.

And from here, we would begin our walk to the summit.

This...

A walk in the mist. Lovely.

My head has gone. I don't like it.

-I want to go home.

-Really?

-I think your new boots will see you right.

-This is too high.

Yes, it was quite spooky up there, wasn't it?

All alone, 779 metres up.

As the train disappeared off into the mist, leaving just us,

a few more choice sheep and a film crew, who you will never see.

Do you remember how the weather started changing,

-like minute by minute?

-Suddenly it's going, just like that.

-It's just dissolved.

-That is the magic of television.

-But it's not though, is it?

-Thank you to the BBC for sorting that out.

In that direction there, all mist, this way, it's just gone.

That is remarkable.

# I can almost see it

# That dream I am dreaming

# But there's a voice inside my head saying

# You'll never reach it

# Every step I'm taking

# Every move I make feels

# Lost with no direction

# My faith is shaking... #

As we are 2,300 feet, time for this to come out.

Oh, excellent. Yeah, well, I've been looking forward to this.

-What an investment.

-Elis...

You've got to be prepared. You got to look the part.

Really quite something. And the mist is back again, suddenly.

It cleared and now it's come, it's very baffling.

Someone at the bottom told me to be edge aware,

which is a great way of saying, try not to fall off a mountain.

# Always gonna be a uphill battle

# Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

# Ain't about how fast I get there

# Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

# It's the climb... #

That's the train. Stop!

We made a terrible mistake!

It's too high!

I lose interest very quickly!

Not a word. Not a word.

-Totally ignored.

-We've bitten off more than we can chew.

I like to do things the easy way! No, nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

-All right! All right, boys?

-All right?

It was around this point that we started to become painfully aware

of our own pathetic inadequacies.

That is extraordinary. It's quarter past nine in the morning.

Go on, mate.

Hello. All right?

-Wow!

-Remarkably cheery for people running down a mountain.

-I hope they're edge aware.

-There's a whole family up there.

They started at 20 past seven and the girl is about 13.

When I was 13, I was interested in Football Focus

and Fortress Solitude, which is how I referred to my bedroom.

-Hello.

-Hi, there.

When did you start?

-Today?

-Yeah.

-83 minutes in.

-Oh, right.

-83 minutes in.

-You are speed walking it or are you running it?

-No, just walking.

-Incredible.

-OK.

-Have fun. There's a train.

-I know.

-We'll forget that.

-OK.

-See you later.

-Good luck.

Yeah, what sort of sad losers would go up on the train, eh?

This wasn't in the contract.

This specific gradient?

Yeah. You'd think it would be implicit, wouldn't it?

Climbing up a mountain,

there are bits where it's going to get pretty steep.

-It's good.

-I'm beginning to lose interest.

This is my A-levels all over again.

-This is a proper incline now, this is.

-Yeah.

And you had all your lovely outdoor gear on as well.

This is ridiculous. This is absolutely ridiculous.

Proper breezy now, isn't it?

It's so unpredictable.

Snowdon was taking the mickey out of us on that day.

It was hot, it was cold and in the mist,

every edge looked like a sheer drop off the side.

But then the old mountain had another trick to play,

as with each step further, we started to rise above the clouds.

It's clear again now.

-This is insane.

-It's sort of frightening, isn't it?

So that's another path.

That is shorter but more difficult, joining us.

So it comes up very steep on that side.

Yeah. And that's the railway track obviously.

God, that looks inviting, that railway track.

We are about 15 minutes' walk away, I think.

You can just see sort of silhouettes of people skipping gaily through the

-mist.

-So what we had here was a cloud inversion

where we are in the clear above the cloud line...

Well, in the clear for now.

Because you know from the news that the weather changes

every ten minutes.

Everyone knows that. But you don't quite believe it,

when you're in your house in Cardiff.

But this is...

And in five minutes' time, it'll be misty again.

-Yeah, yeah.

-It's like opening and shutting the curtains.

We'll probably be building a shelter.

I'll be hugging you for warmth.

Oh, God, every cloud...

Do you think the thinness of the air is making us talk rubbish?

ELIS LAUGHS

I can see it. It's the summit.

Do you think we'll just keep walking and it will seem to get closer now?

Yeah. So close.

-It's a mirage.

-I feel a lot better now.

Good to have sort of an end point in sight, isn't it?

For all of life, I think.

-Are you going to skip the whole way, Elis?

-Yeah.

# Sailin' away on the crest of a wave

# It's like magic

# Oh, rollin' and ridin' and slippin' and slidin'

# It's magic

# And you and your sweet desire

# You took me higher and higher

# Baby

# It's a livin' thing

# It's a terrible thing to lose

# It's a given thing

# What a terrible thing to lose... #

So we'd made it and as we were allowed

onto one of the old steam trains...

-How are you, Miles?

-Not bad, not bad.

-You all right?

-Yeah.

Enjoying myself.

TRAIN WHISTLES

Don't do that.

Do not do that.

Hilarious.

But of course, there was a reason for our trip.

This to me, this is what it's all about.

In here somewhere, there will be fridge magnets.

Perfect.

-Yes.

-Look at that. You've been in my kitchen.

-That's the one.

-What does it need to just set it all off nicely?

£18.49, please.

There's Chloe. Later on, we'll see whether contactless works.

Cannot wait.

-Is that a bottle opener?

-Yup.

-Oh, I quite like that.

Well, have you got your wallet with you?

No, my wallet is in Llanberis.

Buy me a fridge magnet bottle opener...?

Snowdon themed.

No.

Terror. Absolute terror.

Coming into a shop with Elis is like going into a shop with your child.

Just asking... They point at stuff and ask you to buy it for them.

Now, he wants me to buy him souvenirs.

I have offered him a chocolate shoe.

A pound. He doesn't have to pay it back. That's his.

That is it, though. He's going to keep on...

Everything he's trying on now, he's going to ask me to buy.

Watch this. I would like you to open that up

and start eating it on camera. And then I'll tell you why.

-Great.

-OK.

-I haven't actually paid for that, Elis.

That is now theft. Excuse me.

Theft.

-You will buy it with your own money...

-My wallet is in Llanberis.

-Do you do contactless?

-That'll be £2.50. Yes.

-Is it contactless?

-There you go.

So satisfying.

So... Only one more thing to reach, the summit.

Nice to see a bit of order at last.

I love the idea of that. There's sort of a mad scrum...

You get to the top, come on everyone now.

Yeah... Suddenly there's order.

Order.

Best of order, please.

And so, after a happy day on Snowdon,

I thought it best to leave it to Elis,

a man who is genetically poetic, to try to describe exactly what it was

that we were both feeling.

This is a mountain...

You're not wrong, Elis.

You are not wrong.

Oh, the lyricism.

-Are you looking for a good time, mister?

-And we are...

-Sailing.

-You're doing it, Miles.

You're sailing.

That's Swansea over there.

That's Port Talbot back there.

That's the jewel in South Wales' crown.

Apart from Carmarthen.

OK, I'm ready.

Just... That is me warming up.

That's all that is.

If you smelt of onion, lager, fags and urine, Miles...

I cannot begin to tell you what I'd be doing.