Episode 3 James and Jupp

Elis James, comedian.

Born in Wales, lives in England.

Miles Jupp, comedian.

Born in England, lives in Wales.

These are our journeys across Wales by land, sea and rail.

-So you've moved to Wales.

-That is right.

You've been on holidays here.

I've spent a lot of time here, but I'm hungry.

I want to know more, I want to see more,

-I want to feel more.

-Well, guess who your ideal guide is.

Well, my ideal guide would be Rhod Gilbert.

Yes, he's unavailable. Guess who's available?

Stop, we've made a terrible mistake!

That is not what nature is for.

It's a classic one-two combination.

This man came up to me and said, "I don't like your...

BEEPING "..attitude!"

So welcome to...

So we're in a car, driving along the A48 away from Cardiff,

and all is well with the world.

Elis, where are you taking me?

I am taking you to the most unlikely talent hub for acting outside of

Hollywood, probably in the world.

Port Talbot.

-Oh, great, yeah. Yeah?

-I am then taking you to Wales' second city,

-Swansea. Oh, yes.

-OK. So it's... I have been...

-I've been to Swansea.

-It's a classic one-two combination.

Port Talbot, Swansea.

-You can't get any better.

-Are you softening me up

with Port Talbot and then hitting me with Swansea?

Yes. I'm going to knock you out with Swansea.

Swansea is the straight right.

So we're heading west towards the glories of Swansea Bay,

and as we join the M4 at junction 37, our first stop

is right next to us, the first of a few sporting challenges

I've lined up.

I have driven past that lake thousands of times.

But today we're going to stop.

Yes, turn off at junction 38

and you arrive at the Tata Steel Sailing Club.

So this is Chloe,

who's going to show us the ropes and sails and rudders

and everything else, really, because we're going sailing.

I've never worn a wet suit before, but I really like it.

Although it's affected my posture and it's affecting the way I walk.

But, if anything, it's given me a new-found confidence.

I was so up for this, but before we depart, a quick lesson.

Dave here is helping us out by simulating the wind, apparently.

If you think that's my listening face, you'd be wrong.

Not a word of that is going in.

Yeah, and this is your treat, Elis,

and yet you seem to be the one yet again who's the most reluctant.

Well, it's all this technical stuff. It's not my strong suit.

I'll take the rudder, because I'm less obviously afraid than Elis.

-Yeah.

-I think just for the general morale of the dinghy.

All you have to do to start sailing is pull your mainsheet in.

-Yes.

-OK? And then slightly steer away from where the wind

is coming from.

You're doing it, Miles. You're sailing.

-We're sailing. I'm a sailor.

-We've set sail.

-Bye, chaps.

-Just keep it straight, yeah.

# I am sailing

# I am sailing... #

If I'm being totally honest, I was absolutely petrified on this thing.

I mean, why would you design something so unstable?

-No.

-Yes.

Look there's the pylon, how hard can it be?

# We are sailing

# We are sailing

# Home again... #

Yes, time to head back to dry land.

Do you know what?

I think the risk-to-pleasure ratio isn't high enough for me

to enjoy sailing. I just...

I kept thinking we were going to capsize.

We came quite close a few times.

I mean, Miles had the time of his life, but...

I think I'm a land lover.

Do you know what I was, Miles?

I was deeply out of my comfort zone.

I thought you were a sort of more...

I imagined you being sort of hardy.

I am, but I was out of my comfort zone.

That's the point I'm making.

On land, I'm as tough as they come, mate.

Yeah, you certainly...

To an extent, because I thrive on land.

Do you know what I'm like?

I'm like... I'm like polystyrene.

You don't want it in the bath, but it serves a purpose in the garage.

Michael Sheen, Anthony Hopkins, Richard Burton.

Port Talbot is the hometown of these three great actors,

and now we're going just a few miles up the Afan Valley

for a brief visit to the birthplace of one of those screen giants.

So this is it - Pontrhydyfen, birthplace of Richard Burton.

He was at one time the highest paid actor in all of Hollywood.

When was he born, then?

He was born in 1925. He was born down there.

He was one of 13 children.

All of his brothers went on to work in the colliery alongside their dad,

and that was over there, but this is where he grew up, in Pontrhydyfen.

-Which house is it?

-The house is down there,

it's the one with the conservatory.

-Oh, yeah.

-This bridge, in fact, was built to supply water

to blast furnaces in Oakwood.

There's a very, very famous photo of Richard Burton in the '50s with his

father. It's brilliant,

cos his father's this little collier and Burton's just this Hollywood

star, dressed in the best clothes that the '50s had to offer.

It's amazing.

-It's amazing, isn't it?

-It's an extraordinary place.

It hasn't changed at all.

-Look at that.

-Look at that.

You've got the steelworks, the cranes, heavy industry,

terraced houses. Certainly every south Walian cliche.

No, well, Ridley Scott was apparently inspired

to make Blade Runner based on that view,

although the people of Hull and Middlesbrough also claim that fact.

-Really?

-So it's up for grabs.

Oh, that's a classic Port Talbot scene.

-A kid doing a wheelie.

-A kid doing a wheelie.

Not a care in the world.

Not a care in the world, boys.

I'll do a wheelie wherever I want!

Cos I'm 14 and I don't care!

Oi, mush! Watch this wheelie, then, mate.

What do you think of that?

OK, what next on our little tour?

So this is the Port Talbot Plaza cinema.

Oh, wow. This is great. Proper Art Deco.

Yeah. 1930 it was built, so Richard Burton might have come here.

I can't think of a closer cinema between here and Pontrhydyfen.

This is the one Anthony Hopkins comes to in his Southbank show.

Yes. Yeah, he definitely watched films here as a kid.

And there they are, there's the big three.

Sheen, Burton, Hopkins.

-Yeah.

-That's not bad, is it?

Oh, it's great. No, but it's just very sad to think of it not,

you know, films not being shown here.

Yeah, well, hold that thought, Miles.

Hold that thought.

Consider it held.

It's absolutely beautiful.

I think everything we've seen today is beautiful, though.

-I think...

-Pontrhydyfen is lovely.

The aqueduct is beautiful, but I think...

The sight, when you first... As you're approaching Port Talbot,

you see the sight of the steelworks on the skyline...

-Yes.

-I think that is an amazing sight.

Well, that's Swansea over there.

That's Port Talbot back there.

It's the jewel in South Wales' crown.

Apart from Carmarthen.

-Shall we run to the sea?

-Yes.

Elis James is the slowest eater that I have ever seen.

It is unbelievable. He says he's never had indigestion,

which I can well believe. There is literally no risk of it, I think.

There he is. Everyone else has clocked off hours ago.

Right, we've finally got Elis out of the hotel.

What is first on today's agenda?

Well, heading into Swansea, and to one of my favourite places

in the whole world.

You don't strike me as the kind of person who likes football grounds,

who would want to visit a football ground.

-BANG Oh!

-So, I have...

-Oh...

-Oh, well done, Mini.

-So I am taking you...

-Yeah.

-..to a demolished football ground.

-Right-hand lane.

-Completely right-hand lane or this one?

Yeah. Actually, no, this is fine.

Sorry.

You all right, El?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Just getting goose bumps.

That's cool. Men can feel emotion, Miles.

Welcome to sunny Swansea.

That's Swansea prison, but I haven't brought you here to show you that,

I've brought you here to show you this.

It's the site of the Vetch Field,

Miles, where Swansea played from 1912 to 2005.

-Yeah, that's glorious.

-If you squint your eyes,

it's like you're paying to get into the east stand.

What were the key smells, then, when you were there?

The key smells... Onions, lager, fags, and urine.

-The big four.

-Right.

If you smelled of onion, lager, fags, and urine,

Miles, I cannot begin to tell you what I'd be doing.

So what's really nice is that the council have kept the Vetch

as a park, and given a little area over to the community,

where the locals can grow fruit and veg.

And this is Colin, who's one of the founding members of Vetch Veg,

and like Elis, also a big Swansea City fan.

Colin, hello. Miles, how are you?

-Hi. How are you?

-Hello, Colin.

-This is Elis James.

-You all right?

-Nice to meet you.

-What would be your greatest recollection

of on-field play at the Vetch?

My most famous recollection I think was George Best playing here

-for Ireland.

-Northern Ireland.

In the Internationals.

He was a bit special then.

I can imagine. Were you at that game?

I was at that game, yeah.

-Oh, wow.

-Yeah.

-You come in via the old players' entrance?

-Yes.

-So every day, do you come in and sort of...?

Cos that's what I'd be doing,

pretending I was Alan Curtis walking onto the pitch.

Yeah, but Alan Curtis is about two foot taller than you, isn't he?

-Yes. Yes.

-You know, and a nice looking guy.

Yes.

Well, that put you in your place.

Here we go, planting potatoes in the sunshine.

Pam telling us what to do.

What if they're too deep?

-They'll still come up.

-Think of it as a controlled experiment.

They'll still come up.

Do you know what, Miles, I think I've had my life changed.

I think I'm going to come off social media,

and I'm going to get into mindfulness and gardening.

I think I've got life wrong.

I think this is... This is where I want to be.

-This is excellent.

-I'm going to start growing peaches, rosemary,

raspberries, they've got grapes.

I wouldn't have thought Swansea was warm enough for grapes.

But then again, I don't know anything about gardening.

What is the greatest goal that you saw at this ground?

2003, the Hull game, we had to beat Hull to prevent relegation

from the entire Football League.

Very important game, got to win it.

-Yeah.

-Who scores a hat-trick?

Local boy James Thomas.

Oh, dear. The fourth goal,

the third of his hat-trick was an audacious chip.

-I mean...

-Which... What end?

Was it at the away end? Home end?

It would have been... It would have been at that end.

We could recreate it. I'm happy to be a sort of Subbuteo player

-if you want.

-OK.

-I can be a flailing goalkeeper.

-You can be a flailing goalkeeper.

-Yeah.

-Flail over there.

-Yeah.

-And I'll chip the ball over you.

And I'll be saying, you know, "Lads, spread out,"

-all that stuff that they say.

-Yeah. Push up!

-Push up.

Lads, push out! Push out!

-COMMENTATOR:

-James Thomas is through. Thomas against the keeper!

Chips in! Oh, yes! Superb goal by James Thomas!

The hat-trick for Thomas and it's his hat-trick

that could ensure survival for Swansea City!

CROWD CHEERS

There is the final whistle,

Swansea City will stay in the Football League.

That ground is wetter than I imagined it was.

-But hey-ho.

-Do you know what today proved to me?

You... Erm, what?

That if I had a time machine,

the thing I would do is I would go back in time to watch a night game

-at the Vetch.

-A night game?

Yeah. I mean, pathetic, really.

If you've got access to a time machine,

you should be going back to kill Hitler,

not watch Oxford United at home.

Right, my turn for a sporting fantasy now,

because this is St Helens,

where cricket legend Garry Sobers famously hit six sixes

off on over back in 1968.

-COMMENTATOR:

-It's the right distance.

He's hit that...out of the ground.

OK, the reason we're here, Elis,

I want to recreate Garry Sobers's six sixes that he hit here.

Or even just one of the six sixes.

-Right.

-For me, that would be quite an achievement, I think.

Elis, you should go on the boundary.

-The boundary?

-Yes, I just think for a man of your outfield temperament.

Just come on.

Teamwork! I haven't done this for quite a long time.

The last time I played cricket, proper cricket,

I was out first ball.

Actually, no, I had to pay for two taxis,

I had to pay for childcare all day, I was out first ball,

and I was concussed while fielding.

Madison from Swansea Cricket Club is going to send me up some easy ones.

OK, Madison, I'm ready.

BLEEP! BLEEP!

OK, sorry, that is me warming up.

That's all that is.

Oh!

Oh, BLEEP!

We're warming up, I guess.

There's another one.

That's another one up at the enclosure.

Oh, he's got that. Up again.

He's going to bowl this one.

And that will just carry. No, it's going to be out.

Caught out. Dropped it over the boundary.

Six it is!

Five on the trot.

70 on the board.

And he's done it! He's done it. And my goodness,

it's gone way down to Swansea.

That was remarkable, actually.

So many times when I was a child I watched that clip

shown on television.

It's amazing to be here,

to see what happened, but also, yeah, to have a go myself.

Just a middle one here, I would take that, very definitely.

All right, what have you been doing?

Well, you very kindly gave me this shirt, which I asked for,

because it makes me feel like a real cricketer.

-Right.

-But I just donated a little something to the club.

What did you give them? Money?

Well, it was an IOU more than money, but still,

-I think it's the thought that counts.

-Oh, very much so, yeah.

It was actually, it's a slightly longer run to him

than I'd anticipated when I...

When I started running from the car with puppy dog enthusiasm,

the dog I was became older and older...

-Yeah.

-As I got to give him an IOU for £20.

Well, perhaps we should take you to the vet now

-as part of our afternoon's activities.

-And have me destroyed?

Well, at least kept in overnight.

Next I asked Elis if we could have

a little look at one of my favourite theatres.

Just pop in, not stay long.

Now I know why he brought me here,

it's all part of Miles Jupp's hidden agenda.

I get it, mate, you're a big TV comedian and you played the Grand,

you're on their window display. Absolutely pathetic.

-Whoa!

-I think this is really one of the most beautiful auditoriums

-in the country.

-Yes, fantastic, isn't it?

Absolutely glorious.

I've done lots of gigs here,

but I had a near-death experience at the Swansea Grand, about there.

-As an audience member?

-Yeah.

I was watching a pantomime when I is about nine,

and I was giving a boiled sweet,

far too young for that level of responsibility,

because it's bigger than a child's windpipe.

I was about to go, you know, "He's behind you!"

I thought, "I'll really enjoy this," head tipped back,

it blocked my gullet, right.

Now, no way it was going in, no way it was going out,

so I couldn't even shout for help. I just went...

HE WHEEZES

And I was like that for a couple of minutes.

My mum took me out and she didn't realise how bad it was,

so she just rubbed it better.

-Yeah.

-Gently rubbed my back and said, "Bring it up, bring it up."

At which point, my dad realised what had happened,

slapped me so hard on the back that it practically snapped my spine,

and then I spewed it up onto the street.

The thing didn't even break.

-Really?

-Yeah, yeah.

Did you pick it up and eat it with some confidence after that?

No. But I... The manager saw what happened,

and I got given a free carton of Um Bongo.

So we are now going to sample the latest craze, footgolf,

which is golf with footballs,

which you can play on the seafront in Swansea.

Are you looking for a good time, mister?

-OK.

-Come on, let's have some fun.

One adult and one child, please.

So the first hole, best of three.

Nice. Good approach.

In fact, I think you won this hole. Very nice.

So I had to do a good tee shot on the next one.

Relatively safe.

Am I even going to be able to get that?

No, Miles, that's what they call unplayable.

Following the rules, I'm allowed to drop my ball away from the hazard.

If you were the Brazilian, Jairzinho, you'd bend it round.

-OK.

-Maybe outside of the boot.

Outside? I mean... God.

Think audacious.

ELIS GIGGLES

This shot to win the hole and the competition.

We're all rooting for you.

Oh!

Argh!

Argh!

So, can I redeem myself and claim a tie?

Come on! Oh, my word.

Is that a comeback? That's a tie.

-Best of luck.

-What do you mean "best of luck"?

I actually now think I hate footgolf,

because if you can't beat Miles Jupp, you've got big problems.

Back round the bay to Port Talbot and to a cinema,

whose glory days are now behind her.

So I've done a little bit of organising, made a few phone calls,

to arrange what I hoped would be a fitting tribute to the Plaza cinema

and to the Hollywood stars who called Port Talbot home.

Do bear in mind that I'm a logistics man.

I'm not only a logistics man, I'm a man who has big ideas.

-Yeah.

-You know what you said about holding that thought,

how you'd like to see films at this Plaza cinema again?

Well... Take a seat.

Enjoy your popcorn.

Take it away, please.

Oh, yes. Do you know what...

Nice touch. Well done.

-Nice touch.

-One of my rules for a first date, Miles...

-Yeah.

-You should be on a garage forecourt and a bit cold.

This is back in the days when cinema adverts were very local.

Yeah.

Here we go, here we go.

Oh, I hoped it was going to be a still picture of, you know,

a curry house or something, a restaurant.

Look at this. There he is.

Broadsword calling Danny Boy, Broadsword calling Danny Boy. Over.

-Crikey.

-They are all extras. None of that is computer-generated.

-Acting their little hearts out.

-A fine figure of a man.

I'd like to think that I've got something of a Richard Burton

about me.

Do you think I've got something of a Liz Taylor about me?

Mr Revie never made us do that.

Oh, I love this bit.

Well, I'm not Mr Revie!

From now on, I don't want to hear that name again.

Ever. Next player who mentions it,

or what he did or didn't bloody do in the good old days,

will spend a week cleaning my boots.

Tony Hopkins.

It was so nice to see you again.

It was a pleasure to see you again, Mrs Benn.

Remains Of The Day.

Goodbye. Take care.

Great tache.

-Very Swansea look, the tache.

-Is this Bridge Too Far?

Tell them to go to hell.

Wasn't that amazing?

Elis, what a lovely, lovely thing for you to organise.

Aren't I amazing for organising that?

Right, then, Miles, first thing's first,

why are you dressed like a roadie?

I'm dressed like a roadie...

I had a nice T-shirt, but it got wet when the went sailing,

unfortunately, which is why I've got this slightly...

What I'd normally considered as more of the sleeping T-shirt.

-Yeah.

-Cos you look like you're about to talk to me about amps.

But anyway, I hope you enjoyed last night.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That was one of the...

One of the best experiences I've ever had

on a petrol station forecourt.

Yes, because forecourts have potential, but anyway,

we're not in the mini today.

This is Swansea Bay. That's Port Talbot, Swansea in the middle.

Mumbles in this direction.

One of the things you learn from living in Wales

is that we are famous for our superb public transport.

I've got a little treat in store for you.

-Wow. Can we go upstairs?

-Yeah.

One adult, one child, please.

-Same joke.

-Still funny, it's not like you've grown.

# We're going where the sun shines brightly

# We're going where the sea is blue

# We've seen it in the movies

# Now let's see if it's true... #

Yeah, cos we've had a beautiful weather these last few days.

-We have, yeah.

-Have I had an unrepresentative experience?

Yes, it's not usually like this.

Both of the weather and presumably of your personality.

I imagine when it's raining, you are a very different person?

-Oh, yeah.

-Almost difficult.

Just imagine all of this, but with constantly wet trousers.

But the wet trousers are not your fault.

When the Swans got promoted to the Premier League, there was no...

They celebrated with a new one way system

to absolutely cripple the city centre.

There was an open top bus parade through town.

There were 50,000 people there.

It must have taken about five hours.

Yeah.

The problem is, they couldn't get hold of an open top bus in time,

so they had to borrow one from Bath.

It was one of those Bath sightseeing buses.

But they didn't cover up the sign that said "Bath Sightseeing Bus".

-"Visit Bath" it said on it?

-It said "Visit Bath" on it, yeah.

Did you notice how my voice went all bouncy then with the bus?

VOICE SHAKING: Yeah.

There we are, look at that, journey's end.

Mumbles seafront.

Perfect.

Look how blue that sky is.

It's usually on days like that my father says,

"Why bother going to Barbados?

"Why would you bother going abroad

when you've got this on your doorstep?"

Thank you very much.

Oh, you've got some money. Where's that come from?

I borrowed it from the producer.

Oh, do you know what, Miles, this is such a stunning view.

I could enjoy this with wet trousers.

Absolutely sopping.

The toilet facilities leave a lot to be desired.

You try pooing in one of those.

Have you seen Thelma and Louise?

There's ivy honey from the end of last year.

-Isn't ivy poisonous?

-It is, yeah.