Episode 4 Jonah from Tonga

This programme contains very strong language and adult humour

Otherwise your ass is going to get red-hot when I smacks it.

'But me and the boys went bowling anyway.'

Come over here, you little fuckwits! You're dead, motherfucker.

Would I be able to papier-mache you?

Why the fuck would you want to do that?

'This hot girl, Melody, helped me with my art assignment.'

Stop trying to touch my boobs, you sicko!

-Oi, fellas!

-Let's go, boys.

'And we tried to hide from Kool Kris to get out of counselling.'

Sister, I feel sick. You are a nun. You look quite good in your hood.

'He made us write an anti-bullying song for the talent competition.'

# So don't be a bully

# Moolly-moolly! #

'And if you win the national final, you go to America.'

-Uh, fuck!

-That's sick.

That a traditional machete. Sharpest shit I do.

'And George from the Soldierz gave Moses a traditional machete

'because we were so brave.'

Get up, get up, get up!

CAR HORN BEEPS

Sorry, car!

You should feel my heart right now. It's beating so fast!

# It's a good day

# Every day is OK

# It's a good day

# The sun is shining my way

# It's a good day

# It's gonna be better than Sunday... #

Want to take a seat? The boys are coming in now.

-Boys.

-Sir, what are we doing? Why have we got the desks like this?

Like I've told you before, Jonah,

we've got a couple of special visitors with us today.

It's the Catholic Education people. You've got to be good.

Hey, beast. Hi, sir. Welcome to Spaz House. Have a seat.

Jonah, take a seat. Look after yourself, please, son.

I'm just being welcoming, sir.

All right, then, very good. But sit down.

'I've been under review at Lazarus House for a few months.'

The principle here is just a fucking major pain in the arse.

He's dobbed me into the Catholic Education Office

cos he doesn't believe what we do here is any good.

Sitting up and listening up.

'So, their idea is sticky-beaking around, checking up on me,

'making sure I tick all the boxes.

'It's just a fucking pain in the dick.'

What we've been doing in this class, as you know, in the last

couple of months is we've been talking about mechanics, yes?

But we've also been talking about where that can take you.

-What are you talking about?

-Jonah, while I'm talking,

you guys are listening, all right?

Can we just do practical? This is shit.

Jonah, did I hear a swear word then?

Do you want to go and stand in the naughty corner?

What's the naughty corner?

You just made that up cos they're here.

-No, I didn't.

-Yeah, you did.

'Well, I had a word with the kids about the observation day.

'Told them, you know, just to keep it in check.'

You know, not to swear and fuck round,

and just play along with it for my sake.

-So, hand one of those back, thanks.

-We don't even do worksheets.

-Righto.

-Sir, this is gay.

-Sir, I need one.

-There you go. Just a bit of patience.

Those two there, boys. Righto, move that out of the hallway there, Jonah.

-I'm going to trip over it.

-Fuck off, sir.

What I'm going to do is we are going to...

We're going to brainstorm about ideas of careers in mechanics, OK?

So, we won't look at the worksheets just for a sec.

Anyone know of any career...? JONAH SHOUTS OVER HIM

Excuse me, Jonah, I'm talking, all right?

-Does anyone know of any careers in mechanics?

-Sir, Sir!

My dad's a space mechanic. He works on space stations.

-What are you lying for?

-Fuck off, it's true.

-Righto, righto, that's enough.

-My dad does!

-Language, please.

He's got two jobs!

He's a removalist and a space mechanic. You don't even know.

-That's enough.

-You don't even know! Ask him!

-Enough, thank you.

-I'm not lying.

-Right, any ideas?

-I'm telling you the truth.

Just yell them out. I'll whack them up here on the whiteboard.

Sir, this sucks.

Can we just play with the radio? This is boring.

All right. OK. What I want you to do is have a look at these...

-these sheets. And have a read of it quietly.

-I can't read.

Sir, I'm not doing this.

I'm going to be asking you questions on this in just a second.

-Oh, fuck, sir.

-Listen, dickhead.

If I hear another fucking swearword out of your mouth, I'm going to

hit you so fucking hard, you won't be able to shit for a month, hear me?

-Yes.

-Just fucking behave.

-I'm behaving. I'm always behaving.

-OK, everybody, hands up those who have finished reading.

-Yup.

-Yeah, good. We'll talk about...

-(Write fuck.

-You write fuck.)

(Write fuck!)

And then we'll discuss and come up with some nice ideas. Anyone?

-OK.

-Sir.

-Yes?

-Sir!

-Yep?

I'm showing you my love to you.

Just put that down, Jonah, get rid of it. Put it down. Get rid of it.

-Sir, this is what you are today.

-Listen to me. Come here!

-Oh, fuck, sir, don't rip my arm off.

-Fucking fuck.

-Don't pull my arm!

Just stand there. Don't you fucking move. Shut the fuck up!

Right, clearly, Jonah can't be trusted to join in.

So he's going to miss out. All right?

Now, anyone with ideas about careers in mechanics?

Come on, let's hear them. Put your hands up. Yes, go on.

THEY LAUGH

-Fuck! Come here!

-Fuck off, sir. Don't push me. I'll fall over.

-Get back to your chair.

-Nearly knocked the desk over.

Oh, Sir!

You did it, you did it! You pushed me! It's your fault, dickhead.

Jonah, boys. Come over.

What does gayfeast wants now?

I just got an e-mail from Feel The Beat.

They received our entry and they're reviewing it

for possible inclusion in the area heats.

-Is that it?

-So, we're not in it?

-Not yet.

-Why are you so excited, Krissy?

-Calm down.

-I thought a teacher had died or some shit. Later.

Tell us when you have some actual news, Krissy boy.

Wait, I've got a good feeling about this. I'm praying for it, guys.

# Don't be a bully... #

Shut up, pussy boy. You're so gay.

Sir, you're embarrassing us.

Stop trying to have a relationship with us, sir. We're not homos.

-Can I put this in your locker?

-Mine? Yeah.

Two, five, seven...

-Oh, sucked in! I know your code. Break into your locker.

-Jonah, Jonah!

-Show us, get it out.

-Don't let anyone see.

-Is it the thing?

-Oh, look at that.

-Don't touch the edge.

-This is legit.

-This is going to kill someone.

-He told us it did.

-It's killed someone.

THEY DISCUSS IT EXCITEDLY

-Hide it, hide it.

-I've got to wrap it up.

-Put it away, boys.

-Careful, put it in.

-That's mean, we should all get one.

-Yeah, we should all get one.

-Jonah! You're coming with us.

-No, I'm not.

Dad said you have to. And he's got Mum to drive us home.

I'm not getting in the car with him.

I'm not getting in the car, so chill out.

Why you hanging out with my fat sister for? Are you desperate?

Seriously, dude, have some respect for your sister.

Have some respect for my dick.

I'm not engaging in this Year 9 shit.

Jonah, Dad said you have to. We've got church in the morning,

and he doesn't want you fucking around on the street.

-I've got plans.

-You have to! Dad said so!

-I'll be in touch later,

-don't worry.

-What's in the bag there, buddies?

-You're squeezing it pretty tight.

-Don't talk to my brother!

-Stop trying to pick him up, he's not gay.

-It's a simple question, man.

I'm just wondering why he's squeezing his bag like

he needs to go to the toilet and the bag's his dick.

Stop talking about my brother's dick! Fucking homo.

They've been acting like weirdos since this morning. Let's just go.

-See you, Gaylord.

-By the way, I'm telling Dad

that you didn't listen to what I said, so enjoy your hiding tonight.

Enjoy getting fucked, fatty.

OK, boys.

-You ready to do something brave?

-I am.

-Yeah.

-Are you ready to do this?

-Yeah.

-Let's go, boys.

ALL: Fobba-liscious!

-It's going to be OK.

-It's all right, man.

-We'll get out soon. OFFICER:

-OK.

All jewellery off. Into the trays, piercings. All of it.

What's going to happen?

Well, I think our mum and dads going to pick us up, I reckon.

-Your dad is going to get mad. Why do we even do it?

-We'll be OK, boys.

We'll be OK. We'll go home soon and laugh about it, we'll laugh.

I want to go home now.

SOBBING

You crying? Gee, don't cry, man. Don't cry.

-We look like homos when you cry.

-You call me a fucking homo.

-Don't cry, then.

-I can cry if I want to!

-You're too old to cry.

Your dick is too old to cry.

'The police called the school and I came straightaway.

'They told me the boys would be detained overnight.'

The boys decided it would be a good idea to hold up the bowling centre

so they've gone over with a knife and, yeah, it looks pretty serious.

'Apparently Moses went in and held the knife first and demanded

'the staff hand over some kind of ornamental bowling ball.

'And then Jonah went in

'and made some threats with a knife, but, luckily,

'security were able to control the situation fairly quickly.

'But it's armed hold-up, so... you know, they were all in on it.'

I feel really bad for them, really sorry for them.

They must be absolutely terrified in there, you know.

So, yeah, I'd hate to imagine how hard it must be right now.

Boys, you need to shampoo.

SHOUTING

-Hey, look. Look. Like a grandpa.

-Shut up. Chuck us the shampoo.

-I need more shampoo.

-I've given it to you.

Hey, Miss, have you got hair straighteners in prison?

These boys need to straighten their hair,

otherwise it's going to look shit.

No hair straighteners.

Knock it off!

LAUGHTER

Can you stop looking at me?

-I feel weird with you looking me.

-Guys, can you stop talking?

You are in jail, this is not a joke.

I'm just saying, I've got my dick out and you're looking at me.

-Shut up.

-Well, tell her to stop looking at me, it's weird.

-Moses, talk for once. What are you doing?

-He's probably jerking off, eh?

Leave him alone, boys.

Miss, you definitely have to get it now.

Shut your mouths, do as you're told, this is your last warning,

all right?

CHATTER

You've got the use of the facilities for the next

couple of hours before bed.

No running, no swearing, no harming others.

This is gay, boys.

Oh, shit.

-Fellas. I know you. You know someone I know. You know Kylie?

-No.

Yeah, I'm sure you know her, she said she knows you.

I don't know her.

-Where you from?

-Summer Heights.

-That's where Kylie is from.

I know her too, she was in here having a visit with one of the boys.

-You know her.

-No, I never heard of her.

-No, I'm pretty sure you know.

-She said she knows you.

-Do you boys know her?

I'm not talking to them, I'm talking to you. You know her, eh?

Yeah, I know Kylie.

LAUGHTER

Wrong answer. Pussy. Fucking pussy. All you boys are pussies.

I can tell.

-Fobs are always pussies.

-Fuck them. They're all dumb fucks.

You want to get cut, you racist dog?

If you can't speak nicely to the new inmates, just shut your mouth.

Jonah and Moses, come with me. You've got people to see.

-I'll take this one.

-Take care.

Hey, Jonah. How are you? Moses. Good to see you.

Take a seat, please.

-How are you, guys?

-Good.

-Good.

-It's all right?

-Yes.

-We've got new tracksuits.

-Yeah, they look great.

No, these are whorey as, sir. They're shit. Look at my shoes. Velcros.

-Nice. That's OK.

-No, they're gay, sir.

Also, I spoke to the legal aid lawyer

and he reckons that we can have the parole hearing in about six weeks.

But because of your previous convictions, Jonah,

you might be in here for a while. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Yes, sir.

Moses, you've got a criminal record too,

but because of your age and your learning difficulties,

-the lawyers said we could try to get you out sooner. All right?

-Yes, sir.

But, Jonah, you might be in here for a while.

Auntie, don't cry. I don't even care about being in here, doesn't matter.

Your dad is very, very angry.

He said to throw the key away.

Well, he's a homo.

Come on, Jonah.

Your auntie is upset, let's try to lay off those kind of comments.

-He is one though.

-I'd shut up if I were you.

-Who asked you, fatty?

-What are you doing here anyway?

-I was forced to come here, see your face.

I'm here to support auntie.

Anyway, your dad said he really wanted to be here,

but because of work and it's a long drive, he decided not to come.

-But he does care about what's going on.

-Whatever.

Don't say whatever. Say sorry for bringing shame to the family.

Say sorry for bringing shame to my dick.

THEY SNIGGER

Jonah, none of us are finding this funny, OK?

It is funny, sir, get a sense of humour.

OK, can you tell me what happened? Why did you want the bowling ball?

Because it's worth heaps.

If you melt it down, it's worth 10,000, and I was going to use

the money to take Moses to Los Angeles for his record deal.

If it's worth that much, why is it in a bowling alley?

-Shut up, you don't even know.

-It should be in a museum or something.

-You don't know.

-Hey, you, please be nice to each other.

Tell fatty to shut up, then.

You don't even know anything, you don't even go bowling.

-OK, so who gave you the knife?

-George.

-George.

-You know those guys are trouble, right?

You don't even know anything, sir.

You don't know anything about being brave, cos you're too gay.

-Those guys have done time, you realise that, right?

-So?

They drive around in probably stolen cars looking to

recruit good boys like you.

You want to try and stay away from them, trust me.

You don't want to get involved.

Sir, if they weren't brave then why do they have their tattoos?

They've got full tattoos on their arm, and when I'm older and I get

my full tattoo, then I'm going to be as tough and brave as them.

-You are so embarrassing.

-Time is up, break it up, please.

-OK, we can talk more about that later.

-Now, please.

-Sure. But I do have some good news.

-What?

I had a call from Feel The Beat,

and you guys have been selected to perform in the area heats.

-Yeah!

-Six weeks.

-Perform in front of a real audience! Yes, sir!

We've got to get you guys out.

Me and the boys can practise in here, in jail.

The thing is, they haven't got as many convictions as you,

-so they are being released tonight.

-So they're going, I'm staying.

-It will just be you and Moses.

-Boys, guess what?

I have I have to stay for six weeks but we got into Feel The Beat!

We're going to perform in front of an audience!

Practise, make sure you practise! I have to say goodbye to them.

Look at these fuckers.

-Is that a Tonga?

-Yes, you want another look?

-Fuck you.

Look at your fucking tattoo. Keep walking, you dumb fuck.

Jonah Takalua, 202. Moses Takalua, 203.

Lucky we had two next to each other.

-Lights out in five, no talking after lights out.

-Ms Cooper?

I do not need any crap from you tonight, I can assure you.

-I'm hungry.

-Hey, Moses, come here.

It didn't look like shit, now I'm hungry.

-I can't force you to eat it, that's your problem.

-I want it.

Well, enjoy that thought because you're not getting it.

We save space anyway.

-Right, lights out.

-You said five minutes!

I'm in charge.

When I say go, and I said I wanted no cheek from you. Lights out.

That's not cheek, I'm just standing up for my prison rights, Miss.

BOTH: # When you call me that name

# I'm a person just like you

# I feel sad, I feel pain When you call me that name

# I'm a person just like you

# Don't be a bully

# Hey, police, we say no. #

Hey, what's going on in here? We're not sharing cells. Out.

Miss, we do this at home. Save space.

It means you get a free cell next door.

It doesn't work that way, come on. Move.

-Moses Takalua. Yes, he's being released.

-Well, you are a lucky man.

-I don't want to go.

-Now, come on, guys.

-He's not going.

-Will you let go of him?

-He's not going anywhere!

ALL SHOUT

Do the link!

-Hold on! They won't be able to break it.

-Stop being so silly.

Don't fucking touch him!

SHOUTING

Miss! Miss! I want him to stay here!

Miss!

Miss! I want him to stay with me!

MUSIC PLAYS

Is there anything you want to talk about?

Not with you, you fat bitch.

I will be a bitch if you speak to me like that.

Shut up, Grandma.

Look, behave yourself and we'll get along fine, all right?

Get along with my dick.

Shut up, fob, go to sleep!

Fuck up!

Someone's getting a flogging tomorrow!

Yeah - you, by me!

Quiet.

-Don't go there.

-You don't go there.

I was listening to you and your brother singing before.

You've got really good voices.

Shouldn't have been listening to us, Miss.

-Well...

-It's private singing.

I'm very sorry, but I happened to overhear it.

You sing in church?

My brother's good. I'm not that good.

-I think you're pretty good too.

-Nah. My brother's the best.

I'm going to go to America to get a record deal for him.

He's going to make lots of money.

I'm different. I'm better at rugby, and dancing,

and...telling jokes.

What's your name, Miss?

Officer Cooper.

No, your first name.

Therese.

Therese, good name.

My mum's name is Theresa.

-That's your name with a "a".

-Mmm.

She died, though.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Nah, it was ages ago. I was six. So it doesn't matter.

-Do you like your job?

-Yes, I do.

Do you want me to tell you a joke?

I'm not normally one for comedy, so it better be good.

Miss, my jokes are good.

I just make them up.

Why did the boy... Why did the boy eat the poo?

Cos he thought it was a chocolate bar.

-Miss...

-That's not even funny!

-It is, Miss!

-It's the middle of the night! Go to bed!

-All right, be quiet.

-Shut the fuck up, Abu!

-Hey!

We'd better be quiet, all right?

Miss, one more joke?

What did the prison cell say to the door?

"Marry my dick."

Don't give up your day job, mate.

Look, I'll show you round tomorrow, OK,

-and we'll get you all settled in.

-Don't even bother, Miss!

I'm only staying here one night. I'm probably going home tomorrow.

That's what they all say, Jonah.

-Night-night.

-Good night.

Sorry for calling you a fat bitch!

And a ranga.

Juvie!

Yeah, I love juvie. It's mean as.

Look, all you chaborigines, chiss off!

Yeah, Jonah's settled in extremely well.

A little bit too well, actually.

Miss, could you shampoo my balls for me?

I wouldn't exactly say that I've missed him, no.

I've certainly noticed he's not there.

-Jonah wants to ask a question.

-Boys, dads are here.

Jonah is loving having his dad Rocky here.

-"Happy Father's Day."

-Happy Dickhead Day.

-I've got a surprise for you.

-What the fuck am I doing here?

-What the fuck, sir?

-Thought I'd come and see

if you'd learnt your fucking lesson, eh?

-Hey, what's that for?

-Feel The Beat next week with my boys.

You ain't getting out.

SHOUTING