Swimming and Kissing Josh

Owen, does that girl keep looking at me?

-Well, the form book suggests she's clearly looking at me, mate.

-Oh, get over yourself!

Oh, here she comes. Time to make yourself scarce.

Listen, don't use the disabled toilet, we might need to use it.

WOMAN LAUGHS

So, um...you've known Owen for ages. Is it true he knows Brian Harvey?

-Oh, yeah, they were Owen's jacket potatoes.

-No!

-Yeah! Brian's never forgiven him.

-HE LAUGHS

-God!

-Yeah.

-Oh, weird!

-So this is me.

-Yeah.

Thanks for such a lovely night.

Oh, no...it's just so rare to find someone

-who likes dubstep as much as I do.

-Yeah!

J'adore le bass.

HE CHUCKLES

Can I be honest with you?

-Is this about dubstep?

-No, no.

-I'd love to see you again.

-Same here.

-Really?

-Yeah!

-Great.

-Cool.

Gulp!

-That awkward moment.

-Yeah.

Want to seal the deal?

Sealed with a kiss?

Signed, sealed, delivered!

-Navy SEALs...

-Shall we just do it?

-Yeah, sorry.

So, I'll...see you again soon?

Er...yeah.

-Yeah, I'll... I'll text you.

-Yeah, cool.

It would be an honour. Thank you, thank you.

Owen, thank you so much for setting me up with Simon.

Last night couldn't have gone any better.

Oh, I knew you two would fit together.

I call it the Lego principle.

-He's available, you're emotionally damaged...

-Um...

I'm not emotionally damaged.

-OK, maybe a little bit.

-And you don't need to thank me, either.

I'm not going to. I couldn't give a shit about her date.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

I've got you an invite to the event of the year.

-T4 On The Beach?

-No, better than that.

I saw Holly last night.

Yes, you and I are invited to a party at her parents' house!

-No way!

-Yes way!

Wow, her parents' house! Are you going to be playing What's The Time, Mr Wolf?

No, no, no, Kate, you do not understand.

At university she used to have the most legendary parties.

I mean, I heard, I never actually got invited, did I?

Sorry, mate, but I used to tell you about them when I'd get home, wouldn't I?

-Yeah, at great length!

-Plus things are different now. I'm actually inviting you.

You're older, you're wiser, you've finally lost your...

-Do you want me to drive you?

-Yes, please.

And there's going to be drinking, yes!

-Kissing, yes! Shagging, yes!

-Wait a minute.

-Does she still do those midnight nachos?

-Yes.

Don't mind if I do!

Oh, amazing. Right, I'll add you to the e-mail string.

Yeah, cos nothing says "party" like "I'll add you to the e-mail string."

Whoa-ho!

Watch out, Timmy Mallett!

Oh, I knew I'd find them, the old faithfuls.

-These are going to be perfect for the party.

-Is that the party in the Lilt advert?

-No, no, no. Holly's party. It's a pool party.

-It's a pool party?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's brilliant, eh?

No, no, because this isn't The OC!

I'm not hoping to go steady with Pacey.

-That's Dawson's Creek, mate.

-That's not the point.

-And Pacey was a man.

Who has a pool party?

Oh, God, I bet it's going to be like on TV, I'm going to have to drink out of those red plastic cups.

-Fingers crossed.

-It'll be full of jocks as well. These things always are.

Can't spend eight hours discussing the Green Bay Packers.

-It seems unlikely, mate, bearing in mind the party's in Berkshire.

-Do you know what? I'm not going anymore.

Oh, but you were well up for it earlier!

No, you and your frat mates enjoy yourself. It's not for me.

-Swimming's not about fun, it's about survival.

-No, it's not, it's about partying.

I can't party if I'm kicking my legs. I'm not Michael Flatley.

No, if it's a pool party, I'm out. You can drive yourself.

I actually spilt a cup of tea over Michael Flatley once.

But thankfully it went over his arm, which I don't think was insured for anything.

-TEXT MESSAGE TONE

-Oh!

-Here he bloody is!

-Simon?

You'd better believe it.

Is this some sort of a joke?

Problem?

Simon says he doesn't want to meet again.

He was the one who asked me.

Oh, well, que sera sera. On to the next one.

Oh, they're showing Ben Hur this afternoon, all four glorious hours.

Do you know, there were over 200 different people in the wardrobe department?

-PHONE VIBRATES

-An extraordinary statistic.

-Has he just texted you?

-No.

-You know why he's not interested.

-No, no, no. We're blokes.

We don't really talk about that sort of thing.

He was actually texting me about... about the transfer window.

But he's your friend, he must have told you.

Yes, that Abou Diaby wants first team football.

-Just tell me, Owen!

-No, no, no...

-Owen!

-You're not allowed, you hate football anyway!

-No, I just want to look at it! Owen!

OK, OK, OK, OK, OK!

HE SIGHS

Abou Diaby is tempted by a move to Spain.

-There's talk of him going to Villarreal.

-Oh, just...

-Get off me!

All right, all right, chill out, chill out, be cool, be cool, be cool! Ooh!

Are you absolutely sure you want to know this?

-Is it going to upset me?

-Well, how are you with constructive criticism?

SHE SIGHS

I take it on board, I improve.

OK.

Well, he said that you're...

a bad kisser.

Screw you, and screw him!

He can shove his pissing lips up his pissing arse!

-Take it on board, you can improve.

-Oh, this is utter crap.

I mean, if anything, he's the bad kisser.

I mean, his tongue was circling a lot slower than mine.

And who made him the king of kissers?

He didn't even make any noises!

Huh!

It's all bollocks, anyway, isn't it, kissing?

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, shall we talk about Abou Diaby again?

I always thought they should have shown a bit more faith in him.

Although he's wrong, and he IS wrong,

out of interest, did he give any specifics?

Well, he did say that you were a little...aggressive.

Aggressive?

-Little old me?

-Yeah.

That's bullshit!

Said his mouth was sore afterwards.

-Like, you know you get that weird pain when you've eaten too many sugary sweets?

-Yeah?

He said it was like getting off with a bag of Tangfastics.

SHE GASPS

Ah, Kate.

Did I ever tell you about the previous tenant

who tried to save money by lighting the flat by candles?

Yes.

Can I chill in here for a sec?

I need cheering up.

How about we talk about how you can't swim?

-Don't know what you're talking about, mate.

-The fact you can't swim.

That's why you're freaking out about this party, isn't it? It's not your lifelong fear of red cups.

Of course I can swim! Everyone can swim!

Do remember I went to school with you.

OK, I can't swim.

You see, that wasn't so hard, was it?

You can't swim?!

Yes, OK, Geoff.

But it wasn't my fault. As a child I was allergic to chlorine.

Yeah, I know, it wasn't a secret. We all saw how red it made you.

That's why people called you the dog's dick.

GEOFF CHUCKLES

Remember when the caretaker's whippet had puppies

-and everyone blamed it on you?

-Yes!

Genius. What a school!

Yes, thank you, Geoff!

See, that is exactly why I'm not going. It's embarrassing.

That's stupid. Look, let me tell you this.

I have a friend who was recently told she was a bad swimmer,

when in fact it was the person she was swimming with who couldn't swim.

I mean, he didn't even make any swimming noises.

What the hell are you talking about?

All I'm saying is, if someone says you're a bad swimmer,

it doesn't necessarily mean they're right.

I mean, maybe they don't appreciate that your technique

is far more advanced than theirs.

Kate, I can't stay afloat.

-That is an issue.

-I think people would appreciate it if you told the truth.

-Geoff!

-Would you think any less of me if I told you I can't swim either?

Can you not?

Of course I can, it's easy!

Here's an interesting story for you.

Did you know Robbie Savage once tried to bring back the Ugg boot?

I heard that he wore a pair on Football Focus

and Manish tried to have him thrown off set.

That can't be true, can it?

Although that is how Manish would react.

He's always been a very conservative dresser.

Although in my mind, a consummate broadcaster.

-Any thoughts on Manish, Kate?

-Stop trying to small-talk me, Owen.

You are in my bad books.

-I've been pondering your lack of loyalty all day.

-Is this to do with Robbie Savage?

I know he played for Man United, but first and foremost I am a Welshman.

I can't believe you believe Simon over me about the kissing.

-I never said who I believed.

-Who do you believe?

-Simon.

-Why?

-There've always been rumours.

-What rumours?

At uni.

Oh, that I worked hard, played hard?

Oh, yeah, that would spread like wildfire.

No, that kissing-wise you were a little on the nibbly side.

What does that even mean?

You're a biter, Kate.

No, I am not!

I am a lover, not a biter.

-Why don't you ask him?

-Ask me what?

OK, be honest with me.

Were there any rumours about my kissing at university?

Well, people called you The Nibbler.

-People called me that?

-Sometimes Bette Nibbler.

-Oh, dear God!

-Look, would you like me to give you a kissing lesson?

This is not the time to be coming on to me, Owen.

Trust me, I'm not interested in getting off with you, apart from a morbid fascination.

Same way I'd be interested in going to an abattoir, but I wouldn't want to French kiss it.

-Is this supposed to be helping?

-Trust me, I'm an expert kisser.

I used to earn money teaching people how to kiss at school.

Why don't I set aside an hour tomorrow, give you a few tips

and set you up with another date with Simon?

No, I'm sorry, I'm not going through the humiliation of being taught to kiss in my 20s.

I am hanging up my lips.

What, to dry?

-Cos you're quite slobbery, you know?

-Oh, piss off!

-Sorry, OK.

Why do people insist on "replying all" to e-mail strings?

I mean, I'm not coming to the party,

I don't want to read e-mail after e-mail saying,

"Ooh, I can't wait for the pool party.

"Must warn you, though, chlorine can turn me frisky."

-OWEN LAUGHS

-I was actually quite pleased with that.

-Why does chlorine turn you frisky?

-All the girls are in bikinis.

-What's that got to do with the chlorine?

-Well, I smell chlorine, then I remember bikinis.

I'm not going to the party. I'm going to remove myself from the string.

I am de-stringing myself.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa...

Look at this e-mail from Phoebe Whiting!

Who's Phoebe Whiting?

I don't know, but listen to this.

"Holly, have you invited that strangely cute,

"funny little short arse

"with the bad hair from uni?"

And then, two minutes later,

"Oops, didn't mean to reply all! Soz, awks."

-You know what this means, don't you?

-Phoebe Whiting hasn't mastered Gmail?

No. I don't agree with her views on my hair,

but Phoebe Whiting clearly fancies me.

What are you on about? I'm the one she fancies, she doesn't even know who you are!

Exactly! Hence why I'm the mysterious short arse.

Come on, mate, I'm five foot seven.

Well, I'm five foot six and a half, so I win!

Bow to the true short arse, you lanky twat!

At the party tomorrow I'll talk to Phoebe.

I'll say, "Who do you fancy, me or Josh?" Then Phoebe and I will get off with each other.

-Don't worry about that, I'll ask her myself, cos I'm coming to the party.

-Good, I'll see you there!

-I'll see you there too!

-Does that still mean you'll drive me?

-If you'll pay petrol.

-Yes!

Hi, Ian, it's Kate Anderson here.

Yeah, we dated for about a fortnight in the first year of uni?

No, er, blonde, worked hard...

Kate! Yes, er, that's the one.

Yeah, no, yeah, I'm good, thanks.

Um...weird question. Er...could you remind me why we split up?

Exactly, not ready for a relationship. Yeah, me either.

Um...so there was nothing I was doing that put you off?

The Vicar of Nibbly?

Do you know the only member of ZZ Top without a beard

is called Frank Beard?

Oh, good fact, Phoebe's going to love that.

I'm not trying to get off with you, am I? Save my best facts for Phoebe.

Oh, so what's your best fact?

As if I'm going to give away my best fact to a love rival.

Right! Er...

Kate Gnashers, Buffy the Vampire Kisser, The Friday Bite Project,

Edvard Munch, Chewbacca, Archbishop Desmond Chew Chew.

-So are we going to do those lessons?

-Yes, please.

No problem, Monster Munch!

You'd take coleslaw to a party, wouldn't you?

-No, of course not.

-No, neither would I.

Baba ghanoush?

What's baba ghanoush?

It's a kind of Persian salsa.

-Whose party are you going to? Aladdin's?

-No, the pool party.

Oh, please tell me you're not going to that.

Yeah, yeah. I thought about what you said,

and I need to grow up and move on.

Really? Why would you suddenly decide... Oh, there's a girl you want to have sex with, isn't there?

Not necessarily, no.

Well, I wouldn't get your hopes up.

Not unless she gets turned on by watching people wedgying the hell out of you.

-You said it would be fine!

-That's when you weren't going. I could say what I wanted.

I'll just read a book. I'll look cerebral.

People don't go to pool parties for cerebral, Josh.

They go for inflatable crocodiles and splashing.

-Well, I can just splash her from the side.

-No-one likes a side splasher.

When it comes to getting wet, you either go hard or you go home, dry.

Well, what am I going to do, then?

OK, well, what I was thinking is, if the worst comes to the worst

you can just stick to the shallow end and wade about.

Oh, that's your solution, paddling? That is unbelievable!

Not just paddling, maybe wet your hair occasionally

by dunking your head in.

Dunk my head? This is a pool party, not an adult baptism.

I want to get in her pants, not her church.

What about guacamole?

You're so sad.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a kissing lesson to attend.

Right, OK, let's get cracking.

First off, I want you to tell me in intimate detail how you kiss.

OK, just, er...keep your hands where I can see them.

It's fine, Kate, I know the standard of your kissing,

that's not going to be an issue.

OK, fine.

-Er, well...first I lean in.

-Yeah?

And then I lean out again, and they have to follow me,

which means I regain control of the situation.

Right...

Er...and then I start kissing, sort of,

tongue exploring every nook and cranny,

sort of, reaching for the molars...

Jesus Christ!

..and then my hands come up to the neck.

-This is better.

-Yeah?

-OK, yeah.

Er...sort of, one on the front, one on the back...

Oh, God, why? Jack the Ripper!

Oh, and I keep my eyes open throughout.

Just to make sure he's not doing anything weird, like looking at me.

Right. Um... OK, Kate.

Er...cancel any meetings, cos this is going to take a while.

DOORBELL RINGS

Joshy boy!

Oh, Geoff, I'm really busy.

Great news.

I have solved your swimming predicament.

-Really?

-Oh, yes.

Your problems are over, finito.

Well, that's good to know.

Did you know I used to coach a synchronised swimming team?

-No.

-What a time.

I was 18, we had our first female prime minister,

My Sharona was riding high in the charts.

Meanwhile, the Clacton Sardines had claimed second place

in the Essex Intermediate Swimathon.

What a week!

Why are you telling me this?

Building trust.

Because, right here, right now, I'm going to teach you how to swim.

-Really? Do you think you can do that?

-I know I can.

But first of all, health and safety.

-Do you know what these are?

-Oh, God, have you got verrucas?

No, because I always wear these.

In fact, I quite often wear a pair under my normal socks just in case I fancy a dip at any point.

-What ARE you?

-And in particularly dirty water,

I wear a pair on my hands as well.

Are you the boy in the bubble?

-Do you want to learn to swim? Yes or no?

-Yes.

-Well, listen up, then.

And if you impress, I'll reward you with a pair of these bad boys.

-Mm-hmm...

-Mm-hmm?

-OK. Eyes!

-Oh, sorry.

Yeah...

Right!

-OK, well, you're getting there, you're getting there.

-Yeah?

-Yeah!

-And, er...you're sure people find the noises off-putting?

-Yes, yes.

I would reserve those noises for the tennis court.

Fine. And what about the winking?

Well, I thought the winking was unintentional.

I just thought you had something in your eye.

Yeah... Yeah, no, I did, yeah.

It's...all gone now.

OK, well, er...now it's time for the next level.

-Cool, hickies!

-Hickies?

-Who gives a hicky in 2015?

-Me?

Why?

-Marking my territory?

-What, like you're tagging them?

-Are you Banksy?

-No, of course not. I'm not that political.

Oh, my God, you have got big problems.

Right, we will deal with hickies... another day.

Um...anyway, it's time now for you to practise kissing

on a real person's mouth.

Obviously...I'm comfortable with this.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

I knew it! This is just the chance you've been looking for, isn't it?

All because you wanted a taste of the K-bomb.

I bet you made this whole thing up just so you could snog me!

Kate, I am kissing you with a sense of acute trepidation.

A quick reminder...

I know what you did to these apples earlier on.

Yeah, OK...

A good swimmer should be faster than a walking man.

In a race across a lake between Ian Thorpedo and Jesus Christ,

I know where my money would be.

Good. So that's swimming in the public eye dealt with.

Now, on to swimming technique.

Yeah, that should hold me.

Now, I'll start with butterfly. It's my favourite stroke.

So if you see me doing anything else,

feel free to yell, "I can't believe it's not butterfly!"

Keep an eye out for that.

Well, in that case you may also enjoy describing me

as "Utterly Butterflee".

It should actually be "butterfly," obviously. That never did work.

Bringing back all the old teacher banter.

I bet if I fall off this thing, I'll land butterfly-side up.

-Move on, Geoff.

-Yeah.

This is the butterfly stroke...

GEOFF GRUNTS

So called because it mirrors the graceful flap of the butterfly wing.

GEOFF EXHALES WILDLY

Clearly.

Over a short distance, it's actually faster than front crawl.

I always think if I was ever in Total Wipeout

and I fell off those big red balls,

I'd actually use this stroke to swim back to the ladder.

Not that I would fall off the big red balls in the first place, obviously.

-So, once again...

-I'm just going to use this opportunity to take a picture.

So it's arms, legs, breathing out, breathing out, breathing out,

-breathing out. Have you got that?

-I've got it.

-You remember it all?

-Definitely.

-You sure?

-Yeah.

-Reckon you can do it?

-Yeah.

-Wrong. Butterfly is actually the hardest stroke.

It's way beyond your capabilities, Josh. Avoid at all costs.

Good!

OK, let me do a quick inventory. My tongue?

-Yeah, all present and correct.

-Yeah.

And saliva...

-Ooh, it's nominal!

-Ooh!

-Look at that, excellent, well done!

-Good!

-Er...lips? Oh...

Oh, that's swollen, that's sore.

-No, no, that's from earlier.

-Yes, it was!

-Ah! No new injuries!

-Yes!

Oh, that's so brilliant!

Well, it gives me great pleasure to announce that you,

Kate Barbara Anderson, have graduated with first class honours from kissing university!

-Oh, thank you!

-Maybe a 2:1. Anyway, that means you've earned yourself another date with Simon.

-Cool.

-It's time for Archbishop Desmond Chew Chew

to find out the real meaning of missionary work.

-Yeah, I'm not necessarily going to put out, though.

-Come on...

Yeah, fair enough.

The disadvantage of backstroke is you cannot see where you're going,

so it's always best to follow the ceiling lights, unless you're swimming across a lake at night,

in which case use the stars to navigate with.

Why would I be swimming across a lake at night?

It takes you when it takes you, Josh!

For me it was 1984, Lake Titicaca.

Naked. I was out there for three and a half hours. Got completely lost.

It was a cloudy night.

If it hadn't been for my unit rescuing me, I'd have been a goner.

God bless the Territorial Army.

And that is what separates man from cod.

So...

have we solved your little swimming problem?

Difficult to tell, Geoff, since we're on dry land,

but, um...I'm hoping the swimming pool will be full of ironing boards.

Well, if it turns out you still can't swim, I suggest you're just honest with them.

-They'll respect you for it.

-Or I charm Phoebe before the pool and then snog her on terra firma.

Well, you'd better take a pair of rubbers to put in your back pocket just in case.

-Better still, put them on beforehand.

-Geoff, what are you talking about?

Oh, right, yeah.

God, I love a pool party.

-I once went to a mental one at Shaggy's house.

-The singer?

Well, you're being a bit generous there, but yeah, it was insane.

There was champagne, strippers...

-and someone did a wee in the pool.

-Did he sing It Wasn't Me?

-It was him. Sean Paul filmed it on his phone.

-Why were you at Shaggy's house?

Well, he went out with my cousin for a bit.

Then, er...you know, he did a wee in the pool, so it ended.

I'm going to tell Phoebe that. Might impress her.

I doubt it, mate, cos it's not 1997, and you're not me.

Oh, God!

-Do you still think that she fancies you instead of me?

-Yes!

I cannot wait to see the look on your face when I'm having sex with Phoebe.

-Why would you be looking at my face when you're having sex with Phoebe?

-Ah, he's admitted it!

I'm going to be having sex with Phoebe!

-Hey!

-Hi.

-Sorry I'm... Ooh! Oh, the double.

-Of course.

-Well negotiated!

-Yes.

-Well done, us!

-Nailed it!

-Nailed on the head.

-Yeah!

-Nine Inch Nails.

-Yeah..! So this pub is a...

"Nail" by mouth!

That's it, yeah! This pub, er...

I'm really glad you brought us here, because I was looking it up.

Apparently the head chef trained under Michel Roux...

-Jimmy Nail!

-Nice one!

-That's another one.

-Just about. Brilliant. That is nice.

Under... Under Gav... Gavroche, which is, er...yeah.

-Look, sorry about last time...

-No, no, no, no!

-No, no, honestly I think, no... We were both nervous.

-Yeah.

Je deteste les nerves!

Do you always speak French when you're nervous?

Oui!

-HE CHUCKLES

-Je m'appelle Kate!

Ah, bonjour, Kate!

Vous etes aussi belle comme un manteau d'ete.

-Michel Roux!

-THEY LAUGH

Voulez-vous couche avec moi?

-Sorry, sorry, that's... Yeah.

-It's OK.

-Probably get a drink first.

-Yeah!

-Yeah, what would you like?

-Er...gin?

Did you know Shaggy fought in the Gulf War?

-Is that one of your facts you're going to impress Phoebe with?

-No, cos that's not one of my good facts.

If you use that fact on her, I will gazump you.

-Boys!

-BOTH: Hey!

-Get your arses in here!

-Oh, my arse is coming in.

And, er, I've brought my arse.

Downstairs toilets are for chundering,

and if you follow me through here...

One pool party!

Oh, my God, amazing! I thought you'd brought us to an actual pool party!

I'm joking!

-Your face!

-Oh, yeah, I was joking as well.

Good play from both of us! SHE CHUCKLES

What a start to the party, eh?

Everyone's through here. Hope you've got your trunks!

I mean, I don't think we should discount it, it's a good game. We could play doubles.

-No, I love that one that goes like...waa-wa-waa, waa-wa-waa.

-Ah!

Oh, yeah, I don't know that one.

-Yeah, it's great.

-Yeah.

-It's really dubby. And steppy.

-Yeah.

-It's like a perfect balance of both dub and step.

-OK.

-Yeah.

What's it called?

So, here we are again!

-Thanks for another great night.

-SHE SIGHS

J'adore le date.

Where did you learn the ear thing?

That was like kissing...

BOTH: Owen!

Ooh!

MUFFLED DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

-Hey! It's good, this, isn't it?

-No, it's awful!

I mean, that hasn't been funny in about 20 years.

-I don't know, I still think that's funny.

-You still find winding up your middle finger funny.

How can that not be funny?

Can we just go? I've been waiting two hours. I haven't even seen Phoebe. I feel like I've been catfished.

In a minute a 65-year-old man's going to try to snog me.

Well, if that was the case, he'd be trying to snog me.

How is that a victory?

Oh, my God, look at that!

There's some people over there drinking real ale.

-Is there?

-Course there isn't, you weirdo!

Ooh!

Help me! Help me!

-Sorry about my dad.

-Oh, good one!

-You're Josh, right?

-Yeah, yeah.

Phoebe. AKA [email protected]...

Oh, yeah, Phoebe, good to see you!

-How are you?

-Sorry about that e-mail business.

-Oh, were you that Nigerian prince?

-Yeah!

SHE CHUCKLES

Do you want your ten grand back?

THEY CHUCKLE

Mmm!

I love this stuff, what is it?

Oh, I brought that! Do you know what that is? That's baba ghanoush.

-It's like a kind of Persian salsa.

-Ooh...

-Ooh! Good to see ZZ Top could make it!

-JOSH LAUGHS

Oh, here's a fact.

Did you know the only member of ZZ Top without a beard

is called Brian Beard?

I think you mean Frank Beard?

-Yeah, Frank Beard, but it's still a good fact, isn't it?

-Awesome!

-Do you fancy a game of pool?

-Mm! Can I shock you? I love pool.

I love pool too! Let's go!

Right! Everyone in the pool! Volleyball!

I love volleyball! Same team?

I've just eaten, so the health and safety police would be all over me.

Oi! If you're not in, get in! I didn't invite you to dawdle at the side!

I was just saying I've eaten, so it's not really right for me...

-Do you want to join my team, Phoebe?

-Yeah, see you in there, Josh!

No excuses. It's a pool party. Get involved!

No, no, I am a slave to cramp.

-Cramp? All right, Steven Gerrard!

-What?

Steven Gerrard famously got cramp in the 2005 Champions League final.

Oh, yeah, what a match! The miracle in Istanbul.

I could get it up on YouTube. Why don't we hit the cinema room?

-No, hit the water!

-No, I can't, no!

-What is wrong with you? Get in the pool, mate, join us!

-Join us!

-No!

-Join us!

-THEY ALL CHANT:

-Join us, join us, join us, join us, join us, join us!

What is this, Waco?

THEY CHANT

Get off! Leave me alone! Get off! Get off!

All right, all right, I can't swim!

CHANTING STOPS

-What?

-I can't swim.

Maybe I should just have been honest with you all from the start.

-Why can't you swim?

-I was allergic to chlorine as a child.

-It affects my skin.

-Oh, man. Does it hurt?

No, it's just for, like, a few hours after,

I go an incredible shade of red.

OWEN SIGHS

Mate, I had no idea.

Oh...

But this, I've got to see!

CHEERING

Really flares up quickly, doesn't it?

Looks like you've been boiled.

-Is that why they called you the dog's dick?

-Yes.

-Yeah.

Sorry, mate, I really think the pack mentality got the better of me.

-Can we go in a minute?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen, um... I know this is a bit awkward but, um...

I actually think I'm in there with Phoebe, so I was wondering,

have you got any condoms?

-No, of course I haven't got any condoms!

-Oh, OK.

All right. I'll see you later.

-Owen?

-Yes, mate?

Good news, actually, yeah, I can help you out here.

-Pop a few there in your back pocket.

-Oh, cheers, mate!

Don't worry about it at all!

-Sorted you out!

-Cheers, mate!

-That's all right!

# Too many teardrops for one heart... #

-Hey, Josh!

-Oh, Phoebe, hey!

How's it going?

Listen, can I, um... Can I ask you a question?

Yeah, of course.

Have you...

got any more baba ghanoush?

No, I think you finished it all.

Do you know anyone that we can call to get some?

-What, like a baba ghanoush dealer?

-Do you have one?

There's no such thing as a baba ghanoush dealer.

Hm...

Why don't I cook it myself?

What is this, Breaking Bad?

-What's in it?

-It's mainly aubergine.

OK, do you have any aubergines?

No, I don't have any aubergines.

Thanks.

Josh, you would tell me if you had an aubergine...

-I'd tell you if I had some aubergine, yeah.

-OK, I'm going to try the kitchen.

# And we'll start gathering tears

# Way up here

# And you'll start crying Yeah

# 96 tears

# Cry, cry, cry

# Hey... #