Swimming and Kissing Josh


Swimming and Kissing

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Transcript


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Owen, does that girl keep looking at me?

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-Well, the form book suggests she's clearly looking at me, mate.

-Oh, get over yourself!

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Oh, here she comes. Time to make yourself scarce.

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Listen, don't use the disabled toilet, we might need to use it.

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WOMAN LAUGHS

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So, um...you've known Owen for ages. Is it true he knows Brian Harvey?

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-Oh, yeah, they were Owen's jacket potatoes.

-No!

-Yeah! Brian's never forgiven him.

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-HE LAUGHS

-God!

-Yeah.

-Oh, weird!

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-So this is me.

-Yeah.

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Thanks for such a lovely night.

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Oh, no...it's just so rare to find someone

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-who likes dubstep as much as I do.

-Yeah!

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J'adore le bass.

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HE CHUCKLES

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Can I be honest with you?

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-Is this about dubstep?

-No, no.

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-I'd love to see you again.

-Same here.

-Really?

-Yeah!

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-Great.

-Cool.

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Gulp!

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-That awkward moment.

-Yeah.

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Want to seal the deal?

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Sealed with a kiss?

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Signed, sealed, delivered!

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-Navy SEALs...

-Shall we just do it?

-Yeah, sorry.

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So, I'll...see you again soon?

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Er...yeah.

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-Yeah, I'll... I'll text you.

-Yeah, cool.

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It would be an honour. Thank you, thank you.

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Owen, thank you so much for setting me up with Simon.

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Last night couldn't have gone any better.

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Oh, I knew you two would fit together.

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I call it the Lego principle.

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-He's available, you're emotionally damaged...

-Um...

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I'm not emotionally damaged.

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-OK, maybe a little bit.

-And you don't need to thank me, either.

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I'm not going to. I couldn't give a shit about her date.

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No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

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I've got you an invite to the event of the year.

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-T4 On The Beach?

-No, better than that.

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I saw Holly last night.

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Yes, you and I are invited to a party at her parents' house!

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-No way!

-Yes way!

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Wow, her parents' house! Are you going to be playing What's The Time, Mr Wolf?

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No, no, no, Kate, you do not understand.

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At university she used to have the most legendary parties.

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I mean, I heard, I never actually got invited, did I?

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Sorry, mate, but I used to tell you about them when I'd get home, wouldn't I?

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-Yeah, at great length!

-Plus things are different now. I'm actually inviting you.

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You're older, you're wiser, you've finally lost your...

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-Do you want me to drive you?

-Yes, please.

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And there's going to be drinking, yes!

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-Kissing, yes! Shagging, yes!

-Wait a minute.

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-Does she still do those midnight nachos?

-Yes.

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Don't mind if I do!

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Oh, amazing. Right, I'll add you to the e-mail string.

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Yeah, cos nothing says "party" like "I'll add you to the e-mail string."

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Whoa-ho!

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Watch out, Timmy Mallett!

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Oh, I knew I'd find them, the old faithfuls.

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-These are going to be perfect for the party.

-Is that the party in the Lilt advert?

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-No, no, no. Holly's party. It's a pool party.

-It's a pool party?

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Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's brilliant, eh?

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No, no, because this isn't The OC!

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I'm not hoping to go steady with Pacey.

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-That's Dawson's Creek, mate.

-That's not the point.

-And Pacey was a man.

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Who has a pool party?

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Oh, God, I bet it's going to be like on TV, I'm going to have to drink out of those red plastic cups.

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-Fingers crossed.

-It'll be full of jocks as well. These things always are.

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Can't spend eight hours discussing the Green Bay Packers.

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-It seems unlikely, mate, bearing in mind the party's in Berkshire.

-Do you know what? I'm not going anymore.

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Oh, but you were well up for it earlier!

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No, you and your frat mates enjoy yourself. It's not for me.

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-Swimming's not about fun, it's about survival.

-No, it's not, it's about partying.

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I can't party if I'm kicking my legs. I'm not Michael Flatley.

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No, if it's a pool party, I'm out. You can drive yourself.

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I actually spilt a cup of tea over Michael Flatley once.

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But thankfully it went over his arm, which I don't think was insured for anything.

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-TEXT MESSAGE TONE

-Oh!

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-Here he bloody is!

-Simon?

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You'd better believe it.

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Is this some sort of a joke?

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Problem?

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Simon says he doesn't want to meet again.

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He was the one who asked me.

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Oh, well, que sera sera. On to the next one.

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Oh, they're showing Ben Hur this afternoon, all four glorious hours.

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Do you know, there were over 200 different people in the wardrobe department?

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-PHONE VIBRATES

-An extraordinary statistic.

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-Has he just texted you?

-No.

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-You know why he's not interested.

-No, no, no. We're blokes.

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We don't really talk about that sort of thing.

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He was actually texting me about... about the transfer window.

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But he's your friend, he must have told you.

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Yes, that Abou Diaby wants first team football.

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-Just tell me, Owen!

-No, no, no...

-Owen!

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-You're not allowed, you hate football anyway!

-No, I just want to look at it! Owen!

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OK, OK, OK, OK, OK!

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HE SIGHS

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Abou Diaby is tempted by a move to Spain.

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-There's talk of him going to Villarreal.

-Oh, just...

-Get off me!

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All right, all right, chill out, chill out, be cool, be cool, be cool! Ooh!

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Are you absolutely sure you want to know this?

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-Is it going to upset me?

-Well, how are you with constructive criticism?

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SHE SIGHS

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I take it on board, I improve.

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OK.

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Well, he said that you're...

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a bad kisser.

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Screw you, and screw him!

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He can shove his pissing lips up his pissing arse!

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-Take it on board, you can improve.

-Oh, this is utter crap.

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I mean, if anything, he's the bad kisser.

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I mean, his tongue was circling a lot slower than mine.

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And who made him the king of kissers?

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He didn't even make any noises!

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Huh!

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It's all bollocks, anyway, isn't it, kissing?

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HE CHUCKLES

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Oh, shall we talk about Abou Diaby again?

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I always thought they should have shown a bit more faith in him.

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Although he's wrong, and he IS wrong,

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out of interest, did he give any specifics?

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Well, he did say that you were a little...aggressive.

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Aggressive?

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-Little old me?

-Yeah.

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That's bullshit!

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Said his mouth was sore afterwards.

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-Like, you know you get that weird pain when you've eaten too many sugary sweets?

-Yeah?

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He said it was like getting off with a bag of Tangfastics.

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SHE GASPS

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Ah, Kate.

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Did I ever tell you about the previous tenant

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who tried to save money by lighting the flat by candles?

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Yes.

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Can I chill in here for a sec?

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I need cheering up.

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How about we talk about how you can't swim?

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-Don't know what you're talking about, mate.

-The fact you can't swim.

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That's why you're freaking out about this party, isn't it? It's not your lifelong fear of red cups.

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Of course I can swim! Everyone can swim!

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Do remember I went to school with you.

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OK, I can't swim.

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You see, that wasn't so hard, was it?

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You can't swim?!

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Yes, OK, Geoff.

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But it wasn't my fault. As a child I was allergic to chlorine.

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Yeah, I know, it wasn't a secret. We all saw how red it made you.

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That's why people called you the dog's dick.

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GEOFF CHUCKLES

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Remember when the caretaker's whippet had puppies

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-and everyone blamed it on you?

-Yes!

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Genius. What a school!

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Yes, thank you, Geoff!

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See, that is exactly why I'm not going. It's embarrassing.

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That's stupid. Look, let me tell you this.

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I have a friend who was recently told she was a bad swimmer,

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when in fact it was the person she was swimming with who couldn't swim.

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I mean, he didn't even make any swimming noises.

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What the hell are you talking about?

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All I'm saying is, if someone says you're a bad swimmer,

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it doesn't necessarily mean they're right.

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I mean, maybe they don't appreciate that your technique

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is far more advanced than theirs.

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Kate, I can't stay afloat.

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-That is an issue.

-I think people would appreciate it if you told the truth.

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-Geoff!

-Would you think any less of me if I told you I can't swim either?

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Can you not?

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Of course I can, it's easy!

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Here's an interesting story for you.

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Did you know Robbie Savage once tried to bring back the Ugg boot?

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I heard that he wore a pair on Football Focus

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and Manish tried to have him thrown off set.

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That can't be true, can it?

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Although that is how Manish would react.

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He's always been a very conservative dresser.

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Although in my mind, a consummate broadcaster.

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-Any thoughts on Manish, Kate?

-Stop trying to small-talk me, Owen.

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You are in my bad books.

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-I've been pondering your lack of loyalty all day.

-Is this to do with Robbie Savage?

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I know he played for Man United, but first and foremost I am a Welshman.

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I can't believe you believe Simon over me about the kissing.

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-I never said who I believed.

-Who do you believe?

-Simon.

-Why?

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-There've always been rumours.

-What rumours?

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At uni.

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Oh, that I worked hard, played hard?

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Oh, yeah, that would spread like wildfire.

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No, that kissing-wise you were a little on the nibbly side.

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What does that even mean?

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You're a biter, Kate.

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No, I am not!

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I am a lover, not a biter.

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-Why don't you ask him?

-Ask me what?

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OK, be honest with me.

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Were there any rumours about my kissing at university?

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Well, people called you The Nibbler.

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-People called me that?

-Sometimes Bette Nibbler.

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-Oh, dear God!

-Look, would you like me to give you a kissing lesson?

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This is not the time to be coming on to me, Owen.

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Trust me, I'm not interested in getting off with you, apart from a morbid fascination.

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Same way I'd be interested in going to an abattoir, but I wouldn't want to French kiss it.

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-Is this supposed to be helping?

-Trust me, I'm an expert kisser.

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I used to earn money teaching people how to kiss at school.

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Why don't I set aside an hour tomorrow, give you a few tips

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and set you up with another date with Simon?

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No, I'm sorry, I'm not going through the humiliation of being taught to kiss in my 20s.

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I am hanging up my lips.

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What, to dry?

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-Cos you're quite slobbery, you know?

-Oh, piss off!

-Sorry, OK.

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Why do people insist on "replying all" to e-mail strings?

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I mean, I'm not coming to the party,

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I don't want to read e-mail after e-mail saying,

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"Ooh, I can't wait for the pool party.

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"Must warn you, though, chlorine can turn me frisky."

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-OWEN LAUGHS

-I was actually quite pleased with that.

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-Why does chlorine turn you frisky?

-All the girls are in bikinis.

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-What's that got to do with the chlorine?

-Well, I smell chlorine, then I remember bikinis.

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I'm not going to the party. I'm going to remove myself from the string.

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I am de-stringing myself.

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Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa...

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Look at this e-mail from Phoebe Whiting!

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Who's Phoebe Whiting?

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I don't know, but listen to this.

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"Holly, have you invited that strangely cute,

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"funny little short arse

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"with the bad hair from uni?"

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And then, two minutes later,

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"Oops, didn't mean to reply all! Soz, awks."

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-You know what this means, don't you?

-Phoebe Whiting hasn't mastered Gmail?

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No. I don't agree with her views on my hair,

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but Phoebe Whiting clearly fancies me.

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What are you on about? I'm the one she fancies, she doesn't even know who you are!

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Exactly! Hence why I'm the mysterious short arse.

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Come on, mate, I'm five foot seven.

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Well, I'm five foot six and a half, so I win!

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Bow to the true short arse, you lanky twat!

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At the party tomorrow I'll talk to Phoebe.

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I'll say, "Who do you fancy, me or Josh?" Then Phoebe and I will get off with each other.

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-Don't worry about that, I'll ask her myself, cos I'm coming to the party.

-Good, I'll see you there!

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-I'll see you there too!

-Does that still mean you'll drive me?

-If you'll pay petrol.

-Yes!

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Hi, Ian, it's Kate Anderson here.

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Yeah, we dated for about a fortnight in the first year of uni?

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No, er, blonde, worked hard...

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Kate! Yes, er, that's the one.

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Yeah, no, yeah, I'm good, thanks.

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Um...weird question. Er...could you remind me why we split up?

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Exactly, not ready for a relationship. Yeah, me either.

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Um...so there was nothing I was doing that put you off?

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The Vicar of Nibbly?

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Do you know the only member of ZZ Top without a beard

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is called Frank Beard?

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Oh, good fact, Phoebe's going to love that.

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I'm not trying to get off with you, am I? Save my best facts for Phoebe.

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Oh, so what's your best fact?

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As if I'm going to give away my best fact to a love rival.

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Right! Er...

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Kate Gnashers, Buffy the Vampire Kisser, The Friday Bite Project,

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Edvard Munch, Chewbacca, Archbishop Desmond Chew Chew.

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-So are we going to do those lessons?

-Yes, please.

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No problem, Monster Munch!

0:11:520:11:54

You'd take coleslaw to a party, wouldn't you?

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-No, of course not.

-No, neither would I.

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Baba ghanoush?

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What's baba ghanoush?

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It's a kind of Persian salsa.

0:12:080:12:10

-Whose party are you going to? Aladdin's?

-No, the pool party.

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Oh, please tell me you're not going to that.

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Yeah, yeah. I thought about what you said,

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and I need to grow up and move on.

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Really? Why would you suddenly decide... Oh, there's a girl you want to have sex with, isn't there?

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Not necessarily, no.

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Well, I wouldn't get your hopes up.

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Not unless she gets turned on by watching people wedgying the hell out of you.

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-You said it would be fine!

-That's when you weren't going. I could say what I wanted.

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I'll just read a book. I'll look cerebral.

0:12:320:12:34

People don't go to pool parties for cerebral, Josh.

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They go for inflatable crocodiles and splashing.

0:12:370:12:40

-Well, I can just splash her from the side.

-No-one likes a side splasher.

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When it comes to getting wet, you either go hard or you go home, dry.

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Well, what am I going to do, then?

0:12:460:12:48

OK, well, what I was thinking is, if the worst comes to the worst

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you can just stick to the shallow end and wade about.

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Oh, that's your solution, paddling? That is unbelievable!

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Not just paddling, maybe wet your hair occasionally

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by dunking your head in.

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Dunk my head? This is a pool party, not an adult baptism.

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I want to get in her pants, not her church.

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What about guacamole?

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You're so sad.

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Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a kissing lesson to attend.

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Right, OK, let's get cracking.

0:13:150:13:17

First off, I want you to tell me in intimate detail how you kiss.

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OK, just, er...keep your hands where I can see them.

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It's fine, Kate, I know the standard of your kissing,

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that's not going to be an issue.

0:13:250:13:26

OK, fine.

0:13:260:13:27

-Er, well...first I lean in.

-Yeah?

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And then I lean out again, and they have to follow me,

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which means I regain control of the situation.

0:13:310:13:35

Right...

0:13:350:13:36

Er...and then I start kissing, sort of,

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tongue exploring every nook and cranny,

0:13:380:13:40

sort of, reaching for the molars...

0:13:400:13:43

Jesus Christ!

0:13:430:13:44

..and then my hands come up to the neck.

0:13:440:13:46

-This is better.

-Yeah?

-OK, yeah.

0:13:460:13:47

Er...sort of, one on the front, one on the back...

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Oh, God, why? Jack the Ripper!

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Oh, and I keep my eyes open throughout.

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Just to make sure he's not doing anything weird, like looking at me.

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Right. Um... OK, Kate.

0:13:580:14:00

Er...cancel any meetings, cos this is going to take a while.

0:14:000:14:03

DOORBELL RINGS

0:14:040:14:05

Joshy boy!

0:14:090:14:10

Oh, Geoff, I'm really busy.

0:14:100:14:11

Great news.

0:14:110:14:13

I have solved your swimming predicament.

0:14:130:14:15

-Really?

-Oh, yes.

0:14:150:14:17

Your problems are over, finito.

0:14:170:14:19

Well, that's good to know.

0:14:190:14:21

Did you know I used to coach a synchronised swimming team?

0:14:210:14:24

-No.

-What a time.

0:14:240:14:26

I was 18, we had our first female prime minister,

0:14:260:14:28

My Sharona was riding high in the charts.

0:14:280:14:31

Meanwhile, the Clacton Sardines had claimed second place

0:14:310:14:33

in the Essex Intermediate Swimathon.

0:14:330:14:35

What a week!

0:14:350:14:36

Why are you telling me this?

0:14:360:14:38

Building trust.

0:14:380:14:39

Because, right here, right now, I'm going to teach you how to swim.

0:14:390:14:43

-Really? Do you think you can do that?

-I know I can.

0:14:430:14:45

But first of all, health and safety.

0:14:450:14:47

-Do you know what these are?

-Oh, God, have you got verrucas?

0:14:470:14:50

No, because I always wear these.

0:14:500:14:52

In fact, I quite often wear a pair under my normal socks just in case I fancy a dip at any point.

0:14:520:14:56

-What ARE you?

-And in particularly dirty water,

0:14:560:14:58

I wear a pair on my hands as well.

0:14:580:15:00

Are you the boy in the bubble?

0:15:000:15:01

-Do you want to learn to swim? Yes or no?

-Yes.

-Well, listen up, then.

0:15:010:15:04

And if you impress, I'll reward you with a pair of these bad boys.

0:15:040:15:08

-Mm-hmm...

-Mm-hmm?

0:15:120:15:14

-OK. Eyes!

-Oh, sorry.

0:15:140:15:17

Yeah...

0:15:170:15:18

Right!

0:15:180:15:19

-OK, well, you're getting there, you're getting there.

-Yeah?

-Yeah!

0:15:190:15:23

-And, er...you're sure people find the noises off-putting?

-Yes, yes.

0:15:230:15:26

I would reserve those noises for the tennis court.

0:15:260:15:29

Fine. And what about the winking?

0:15:290:15:31

Well, I thought the winking was unintentional.

0:15:310:15:34

I just thought you had something in your eye.

0:15:340:15:36

Yeah... Yeah, no, I did, yeah.

0:15:360:15:38

It's...all gone now.

0:15:380:15:39

OK, well, er...now it's time for the next level.

0:15:390:15:42

-Cool, hickies!

-Hickies?

0:15:420:15:44

-Who gives a hicky in 2015?

-Me?

0:15:440:15:47

Why?

0:15:470:15:48

-Marking my territory?

-What, like you're tagging them?

0:15:480:15:51

-Are you Banksy?

-No, of course not. I'm not that political.

0:15:510:15:54

Oh, my God, you have got big problems.

0:15:540:15:56

Right, we will deal with hickies... another day.

0:15:560:15:59

Um...anyway, it's time now for you to practise kissing

0:15:590:16:02

on a real person's mouth.

0:16:020:16:04

Obviously...I'm comfortable with this.

0:16:040:16:06

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

0:16:060:16:08

I knew it! This is just the chance you've been looking for, isn't it?

0:16:080:16:12

All because you wanted a taste of the K-bomb.

0:16:120:16:15

I bet you made this whole thing up just so you could snog me!

0:16:150:16:18

Kate, I am kissing you with a sense of acute trepidation.

0:16:180:16:22

A quick reminder...

0:16:220:16:23

I know what you did to these apples earlier on.

0:16:240:16:26

Yeah, OK...

0:16:260:16:28

A good swimmer should be faster than a walking man.

0:16:280:16:31

In a race across a lake between Ian Thorpedo and Jesus Christ,

0:16:310:16:35

I know where my money would be.

0:16:350:16:37

Good. So that's swimming in the public eye dealt with.

0:16:370:16:40

Now, on to swimming technique.

0:16:400:16:42

Yeah, that should hold me.

0:16:420:16:44

Now, I'll start with butterfly. It's my favourite stroke.

0:16:440:16:46

So if you see me doing anything else,

0:16:460:16:48

feel free to yell, "I can't believe it's not butterfly!"

0:16:480:16:52

Keep an eye out for that.

0:16:520:16:53

Well, in that case you may also enjoy describing me

0:16:530:16:55

as "Utterly Butterflee".

0:16:550:16:58

It should actually be "butterfly," obviously. That never did work.

0:16:580:17:01

Bringing back all the old teacher banter.

0:17:010:17:03

I bet if I fall off this thing, I'll land butterfly-side up.

0:17:030:17:06

-Move on, Geoff.

-Yeah.

0:17:060:17:07

This is the butterfly stroke...

0:17:070:17:09

GEOFF GRUNTS

0:17:090:17:10

So called because it mirrors the graceful flap of the butterfly wing.

0:17:100:17:14

GEOFF EXHALES WILDLY

0:17:140:17:16

Clearly.

0:17:160:17:17

Over a short distance, it's actually faster than front crawl.

0:17:210:17:24

I always think if I was ever in Total Wipeout

0:17:260:17:28

and I fell off those big red balls,

0:17:280:17:30

I'd actually use this stroke to swim back to the ladder.

0:17:300:17:33

Not that I would fall off the big red balls in the first place, obviously.

0:17:330:17:36

-So, once again...

-I'm just going to use this opportunity to take a picture.

0:17:360:17:40

So it's arms, legs, breathing out, breathing out, breathing out,

0:17:400:17:43

-breathing out. Have you got that?

-I've got it.

0:17:430:17:47

-You remember it all?

-Definitely.

-You sure?

-Yeah.

0:17:470:17:50

-Reckon you can do it?

-Yeah.

-Wrong. Butterfly is actually the hardest stroke.

0:17:500:17:53

It's way beyond your capabilities, Josh. Avoid at all costs.

0:17:530:17:57

Good!

0:18:020:18:04

OK, let me do a quick inventory. My tongue?

0:18:040:18:07

-Yeah, all present and correct.

-Yeah.

0:18:070:18:09

And saliva...

0:18:090:18:11

-Ooh, it's nominal!

-Ooh!

-Look at that, excellent, well done!

0:18:110:18:14

-Good!

-Er...lips? Oh...

0:18:140:18:16

Oh, that's swollen, that's sore.

0:18:160:18:18

-No, no, that's from earlier.

-Yes, it was!

0:18:180:18:20

-Ah! No new injuries!

-Yes!

0:18:200:18:22

Oh, that's so brilliant!

0:18:220:18:23

Well, it gives me great pleasure to announce that you,

0:18:230:18:26

Kate Barbara Anderson, have graduated with first class honours from kissing university!

0:18:260:18:30

-Oh, thank you!

-Maybe a 2:1. Anyway, that means you've earned yourself another date with Simon.

0:18:300:18:34

-Cool.

-It's time for Archbishop Desmond Chew Chew

0:18:340:18:36

to find out the real meaning of missionary work.

0:18:360:18:38

-Yeah, I'm not necessarily going to put out, though.

-Come on...

0:18:380:18:41

Yeah, fair enough.

0:18:410:18:42

The disadvantage of backstroke is you cannot see where you're going,

0:18:420:18:45

so it's always best to follow the ceiling lights, unless you're swimming across a lake at night,

0:18:450:18:50

in which case use the stars to navigate with.

0:18:500:18:52

Why would I be swimming across a lake at night?

0:18:540:18:57

It takes you when it takes you, Josh!

0:18:570:18:59

For me it was 1984, Lake Titicaca.

0:18:590:19:02

Naked. I was out there for three and a half hours. Got completely lost.

0:19:020:19:06

It was a cloudy night.

0:19:060:19:07

If it hadn't been for my unit rescuing me, I'd have been a goner.

0:19:070:19:10

God bless the Territorial Army.

0:19:100:19:12

And that is what separates man from cod.

0:19:120:19:15

So...

0:19:150:19:17

have we solved your little swimming problem?

0:19:170:19:19

Difficult to tell, Geoff, since we're on dry land,

0:19:190:19:22

but, um...I'm hoping the swimming pool will be full of ironing boards.

0:19:220:19:25

Well, if it turns out you still can't swim, I suggest you're just honest with them.

0:19:250:19:28

-They'll respect you for it.

-Or I charm Phoebe before the pool and then snog her on terra firma.

0:19:280:19:34

Well, you'd better take a pair of rubbers to put in your back pocket just in case.

0:19:340:19:37

-Better still, put them on beforehand.

-Geoff, what are you talking about?

0:19:370:19:40

Oh, right, yeah.

0:19:400:19:41

God, I love a pool party.

0:19:440:19:47

-I once went to a mental one at Shaggy's house.

-The singer?

0:19:470:19:50

Well, you're being a bit generous there, but yeah, it was insane.

0:19:500:19:53

There was champagne, strippers...

0:19:530:19:55

-and someone did a wee in the pool.

-Did he sing It Wasn't Me?

0:19:550:19:58

-It was him. Sean Paul filmed it on his phone.

-Why were you at Shaggy's house?

0:19:580:20:01

Well, he went out with my cousin for a bit.

0:20:010:20:04

Then, er...you know, he did a wee in the pool, so it ended.

0:20:040:20:07

I'm going to tell Phoebe that. Might impress her.

0:20:070:20:10

I doubt it, mate, cos it's not 1997, and you're not me.

0:20:100:20:12

Oh, God!

0:20:120:20:14

-Do you still think that she fancies you instead of me?

-Yes!

0:20:140:20:17

I cannot wait to see the look on your face when I'm having sex with Phoebe.

0:20:170:20:20

-Why would you be looking at my face when you're having sex with Phoebe?

-Ah, he's admitted it!

0:20:200:20:24

I'm going to be having sex with Phoebe!

0:20:240:20:26

-Hey!

-Hi.

0:20:330:20:35

-Sorry I'm... Ooh! Oh, the double.

-Of course.

0:20:360:20:39

-Well negotiated!

-Yes.

-Well done, us!

0:20:390:20:43

-Nailed it!

-Nailed on the head.

-Yeah!

0:20:430:20:45

-Nine Inch Nails.

-Yeah..! So this pub is a...

0:20:450:20:48

"Nail" by mouth!

0:20:480:20:49

That's it, yeah! This pub, er...

0:20:490:20:51

I'm really glad you brought us here, because I was looking it up.

0:20:510:20:54

Apparently the head chef trained under Michel Roux...

0:20:540:20:56

-Jimmy Nail!

-Nice one!

-That's another one.

-Just about. Brilliant. That is nice.

0:20:560:21:00

Under... Under Gav... Gavroche, which is, er...yeah.

0:21:000:21:03

-Look, sorry about last time...

-No, no, no, no!

0:21:030:21:05

-No, no, honestly I think, no... We were both nervous.

-Yeah.

0:21:050:21:08

Je deteste les nerves!

0:21:080:21:10

Do you always speak French when you're nervous?

0:21:100:21:12

Oui!

0:21:120:21:14

-HE CHUCKLES

-Je m'appelle Kate!

0:21:140:21:16

Ah, bonjour, Kate!

0:21:160:21:17

Vous etes aussi belle comme un manteau d'ete.

0:21:170:21:20

-Michel Roux!

-THEY LAUGH

0:21:200:21:22

Voulez-vous couche avec moi?

0:21:220:21:25

-Sorry, sorry, that's... Yeah.

-It's OK.

-Probably get a drink first.

-Yeah!

0:21:250:21:28

-Yeah, what would you like?

-Er...gin?

0:21:280:21:30

Did you know Shaggy fought in the Gulf War?

0:21:320:21:34

-Is that one of your facts you're going to impress Phoebe with?

-No, cos that's not one of my good facts.

0:21:340:21:38

If you use that fact on her, I will gazump you.

0:21:380:21:41

-Boys!

-BOTH: Hey!

0:21:410:21:42

-Get your arses in here!

-Oh, my arse is coming in.

0:21:420:21:44

And, er, I've brought my arse.

0:21:440:21:46

Downstairs toilets are for chundering,

0:21:480:21:50

and if you follow me through here...

0:21:500:21:52

One pool party!

0:21:520:21:54

Oh, my God, amazing! I thought you'd brought us to an actual pool party!

0:21:540:21:59

I'm joking!

0:21:590:22:00

-Your face!

-Oh, yeah, I was joking as well.

0:22:000:22:03

Good play from both of us! SHE CHUCKLES

0:22:030:22:05

What a start to the party, eh?

0:22:050:22:07

Everyone's through here. Hope you've got your trunks!

0:22:070:22:09

I mean, I don't think we should discount it, it's a good game. We could play doubles.

0:22:090:22:13

-No, I love that one that goes like...waa-wa-waa, waa-wa-waa.

-Ah!

0:22:130:22:17

Oh, yeah, I don't know that one.

0:22:170:22:18

-Yeah, it's great.

-Yeah.

-It's really dubby. And steppy.

0:22:180:22:21

-Yeah.

-It's like a perfect balance of both dub and step.

-OK.

-Yeah.

0:22:210:22:24

What's it called?

0:22:240:22:26

So, here we are again!

0:22:260:22:27

-Thanks for another great night.

-SHE SIGHS

0:22:290:22:30

J'adore le date.

0:22:300:22:32

Where did you learn the ear thing?

0:22:420:22:44

That was like kissing...

0:22:440:22:46

BOTH: Owen!

0:22:460:22:48

Ooh!

0:22:480:22:49

MUFFLED DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

0:22:490:22:51

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

0:22:510:22:55

-Hey! It's good, this, isn't it?

-No, it's awful!

0:23:040:23:07

I mean, that hasn't been funny in about 20 years.

0:23:070:23:10

-I don't know, I still think that's funny.

-You still find winding up your middle finger funny.

0:23:100:23:14

How can that not be funny?

0:23:140:23:16

Can we just go? I've been waiting two hours. I haven't even seen Phoebe. I feel like I've been catfished.

0:23:160:23:20

In a minute a 65-year-old man's going to try to snog me.

0:23:200:23:23

Well, if that was the case, he'd be trying to snog me.

0:23:230:23:25

How is that a victory?

0:23:250:23:27

Oh, my God, look at that!

0:23:270:23:28

There's some people over there drinking real ale.

0:23:280:23:30

-Is there?

-Course there isn't, you weirdo!

0:23:300:23:32

Ooh!

0:23:320:23:34

Help me! Help me!

0:23:340:23:35

-Sorry about my dad.

-Oh, good one!

0:23:390:23:41

-You're Josh, right?

-Yeah, yeah.

0:23:410:23:43

Phoebe. AKA [email protected]...

0:23:430:23:46

Oh, yeah, Phoebe, good to see you!

0:23:460:23:47

-How are you?

-Sorry about that e-mail business.

0:23:470:23:50

-Oh, were you that Nigerian prince?

-Yeah!

0:23:500:23:52

SHE CHUCKLES

0:23:520:23:53

Do you want your ten grand back?

0:23:530:23:54

THEY CHUCKLE

0:23:540:23:55

Mmm!

0:24:000:24:02

I love this stuff, what is it?

0:24:020:24:03

Oh, I brought that! Do you know what that is? That's baba ghanoush.

0:24:030:24:06

-It's like a kind of Persian salsa.

-Ooh...

0:24:060:24:08

-Ooh! Good to see ZZ Top could make it!

-JOSH LAUGHS

0:24:080:24:11

Oh, here's a fact.

0:24:110:24:12

Did you know the only member of ZZ Top without a beard

0:24:120:24:15

is called Brian Beard?

0:24:150:24:17

I think you mean Frank Beard?

0:24:170:24:19

-Yeah, Frank Beard, but it's still a good fact, isn't it?

-Awesome!

0:24:190:24:22

-Do you fancy a game of pool?

-Mm! Can I shock you? I love pool.

0:24:220:24:25

I love pool too! Let's go!

0:24:250:24:28

Right! Everyone in the pool! Volleyball!

0:24:280:24:31

I love volleyball! Same team?

0:24:310:24:33

I've just eaten, so the health and safety police would be all over me.

0:24:330:24:36

Oi! If you're not in, get in! I didn't invite you to dawdle at the side!

0:24:360:24:40

I was just saying I've eaten, so it's not really right for me...

0:24:400:24:43

-Do you want to join my team, Phoebe?

-Yeah, see you in there, Josh!

0:24:430:24:46

No excuses. It's a pool party. Get involved!

0:24:460:24:49

No, no, I am a slave to cramp.

0:24:490:24:51

-Cramp? All right, Steven Gerrard!

-What?

0:24:510:24:53

Steven Gerrard famously got cramp in the 2005 Champions League final.

0:24:530:24:57

Oh, yeah, what a match! The miracle in Istanbul.

0:24:570:24:59

I could get it up on YouTube. Why don't we hit the cinema room?

0:24:590:25:02

-No, hit the water!

-No, I can't, no!

0:25:020:25:04

-What is wrong with you? Get in the pool, mate, join us!

-Join us!

0:25:040:25:08

-No!

-Join us!

0:25:080:25:09

-THEY ALL CHANT:

-Join us, join us, join us, join us, join us, join us!

0:25:090:25:16

What is this, Waco?

0:25:160:25:18

THEY CHANT

0:25:180:25:21

Get off! Leave me alone! Get off! Get off!

0:25:210:25:23

All right, all right, I can't swim!

0:25:230:25:25

CHANTING STOPS

0:25:250:25:26

-What?

-I can't swim.

0:25:260:25:28

Maybe I should just have been honest with you all from the start.

0:25:280:25:31

-Why can't you swim?

-I was allergic to chlorine as a child.

0:25:310:25:34

-It affects my skin.

-Oh, man. Does it hurt?

0:25:340:25:39

No, it's just for, like, a few hours after,

0:25:390:25:42

I go an incredible shade of red.

0:25:420:25:43

OWEN SIGHS

0:25:430:25:44

Mate, I had no idea.

0:25:440:25:47

Oh...

0:25:480:25:49

But this, I've got to see!

0:25:490:25:50

CHEERING

0:25:500:25:53

Really flares up quickly, doesn't it?

0:26:030:26:05

Looks like you've been boiled.

0:26:080:26:09

-Is that why they called you the dog's dick?

-Yes.

-Yeah.

0:26:090:26:12

Sorry, mate, I really think the pack mentality got the better of me.

0:26:120:26:15

-Can we go in a minute?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:26:150:26:18

Listen, um... I know this is a bit awkward but, um...

0:26:180:26:21

I actually think I'm in there with Phoebe, so I was wondering,

0:26:210:26:24

have you got any condoms?

0:26:240:26:25

-No, of course I haven't got any condoms!

-Oh, OK.

0:26:250:26:28

All right. I'll see you later.

0:26:280:26:29

-Owen?

-Yes, mate?

0:26:350:26:37

Good news, actually, yeah, I can help you out here.

0:26:370:26:40

-Pop a few there in your back pocket.

-Oh, cheers, mate!

0:26:400:26:42

Don't worry about it at all!

0:26:420:26:44

-Sorted you out!

-Cheers, mate!

-That's all right!

0:26:440:26:46

# Too many teardrops for one heart... #

0:26:460:26:50

-Hey, Josh!

-Oh, Phoebe, hey!

0:26:500:26:52

How's it going?

0:26:520:26:54

Listen, can I, um... Can I ask you a question?

0:26:540:26:56

Yeah, of course.

0:26:560:26:58

Have you...

0:26:580:26:59

got any more baba ghanoush?

0:26:590:27:01

No, I think you finished it all.

0:27:020:27:03

Do you know anyone that we can call to get some?

0:27:030:27:05

-What, like a baba ghanoush dealer?

-Do you have one?

0:27:050:27:08

There's no such thing as a baba ghanoush dealer.

0:27:080:27:10

Hm...

0:27:100:27:11

Why don't I cook it myself?

0:27:110:27:12

What is this, Breaking Bad?

0:27:120:27:14

-What's in it?

-It's mainly aubergine.

0:27:140:27:16

OK, do you have any aubergines?

0:27:160:27:17

No, I don't have any aubergines.

0:27:170:27:19

Thanks.

0:27:200:27:21

Josh, you would tell me if you had an aubergine...

0:27:250:27:27

-I'd tell you if I had some aubergine, yeah.

-OK, I'm going to try the kitchen.

0:27:270:27:31

# And we'll start gathering tears

0:27:330:27:37

# Way up here

0:27:370:27:41

# And you'll start crying Yeah

0:27:410:27:45

# 96 tears

0:27:450:27:47

# Cry, cry, cry

0:27:490:27:52

# Hey... #

0:27:520:27:53

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