Mum and Dad Josh

Come on, guys, it was an honest mistake.

-Who series-links Babestation?

-It's not even a series.

Not like it matters if you miss an episode. I'm sure you'll catch up.

You've wiped everything!

-Not the controller.

-Oh!

This is just typical of you, Owen. You only care about yourself.

Oh, that is not true, I do care!

That's why I made you this little present to show you I'm sorry.

-Oh, I don't want one of your mix tapes!

-What's wrong with you?

We're friends, aren't we?

It's weird. It's shorthand for "I'm deep, let's make love".

-I'm not your girlfriend.

-I know!

That's why I had to series-link Babestation.

Lily? It's Josh.

Oh, my God, hey!

-Josh from school?

-Josh from school.

I wrote your Lord Of The Flies coursework for you!

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

-So, I'm a comedian now.

-Wow!

-I know, yeah!

-No, seriously, wow!

Yeah, I know, thanks.

You are literally the last person I would have expected.

I mean, you weren't at all funny at school.

I mean, I never spoke to you but you didn't look funny.

I mean, you looked funny, but you didn't look FUNNY.

-Right, OK.

-So is that quite an unreliable job, then?

-Do you have a pension?

-No, no, no. Toying with an ISA.

-God, you're what my dad would call a drain on society.

-Right.

Actually, what are you doing tomorrow night?

-Why?

-Come for a drink.

Are you a financial advisor?

No, I mean socially.

What? Me and you together, at the same time? Yeah, definitely.

And maybe we could take photos and put them on Facebook

so people from school can see what we're up to?

-No, don't do that.

-No, I won't do that, I was joking.

-Are these clean or not?

-What the hell are you doing in here?

Tidying the flat before my mum gets here.

She needs my bedroom so you're going in with Owen, and I'm in here.

They don't go in there. They're clean!

You call these clean? I think you need to start using hotter washes.

Right, give me them here.

Anyway, anyway this doesn't matter,

cos you're not going to believe what's just happened to me.

What do these two words mean to you? Lily Riley.

Er, the massive bitch who melted my Trevor and Simon ruler.

Or you might remember her as the hottest girl in school.

Nope, I remember her as the cow who stole my training bra

-and then brought it in for show-and-tell.

-Well, it's funny!

She said it was for transporting acorns,

-but that it wouldn't hold enough for a squirrel's lunch!

-That's funny!

Big mistake. You mess with the K-Bomb, you're going

to get ink on your Naf Naf jacket!

Oh, come on, Kate. You need to move on. It's not the '90s any more.

But if it was, I would be sat on the back seat of the bus with

the hottest girl in school, cos I have a date with Lily Riley.

-You're going on a date with Lily Riley?

-Oh, yeah!

-This is fantastic!

-I know!

Look how far she has fallen!

Reduced to going on a date with a guy

she used to call the Fresh Prince of Bell End!

Did she? That doesn't matter.

Maybe she was playing hard to get, or maybe she was intimidated by me.

She was out of my league physically,

I was out of her league intellectually.

There's no such thing as an intellectual league.

Oh, really? Then why was I in top maths?

Because you didn't have a social life!

Look, to be honest, she had her pick of the football team.

I'm not sure she was secretly yearning for the spotty blond

in the Umbro manager's jacket.

It was a nice jacket! Ruud Gullit had one!

Oh, you are so sad sometimes,

it makes me want to cry! Also, you hated her.

Remember her boyfriend pulled down your trousers

in front of everyone and you got the nickname "The Grape"?

-Yes.

-Who pulled down his trousers?

-No, you don't need to...

-It was at school.

-No, shush-shush!

-Craig Lemington pulled down

-his trousers in the tuck shop...

-No, don't tell him!

-..and his knob looked like a grape.

-A grape?

Wasn't going to find it arousing, was I?

-What kind of grape?

-No, that's not the point, the point...

-Seedless!

The point is that my trousers are going to be down

near Lily Riley again, but this time, on my terms.

You do know flashing is a crime?

No, what I mean is, she wants to pull down my trousers.

Why would she want to do that? Is she opening a vineyard?

You're both just jealous

cos I'm going out with the hottest girl in school.

Oh, oh, yeah. And she was notoriously picky.

I mean, she only slept with

-every single bouncer in Torquay.

-No, she didn't.

-They used to radio each other to say she was on her way.

-No, they didn't!

And, her dad was that judge.

And when he found out Craig Lemington kissed Lily,

he put him in jail for a week without trial.

-No, no-one's got those powers!

-And he hit one of her boyfriends

-in the balls with a golden gavel.

-Right.

-A - where would he have got a golden gavel?

-25 years of service?

Right. And B - these are urban myths.

Fair enough. Just remember, Josh,

think with your head, not with your grape.

-Get away from my grape.

-Little grapey.

-Get away from my grape.

Why are these Top Trumps everywhere? Do you even use them?

They are educational!

OK, look, Owen.

When my mum gets here, you are on your best behaviour, OK?

She is turning 50 and it is vital she has a good time.

So no Babestation?

-God! Just try and show you care for once.

-I do care!

Why do you keep saying that? I'm a master of talking to mums,

aunties, cool grans.

If they were giving out qualifications for charming

the slightly older lady, I would have a GNVQ.

OK, cool. Well, she likes all the normal mum stuff, OK?

Like Magic FM, er, Great British Bake Off, me, my sister...

Well, soon she's going to have a new thing to like.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-This guy!

OK, well... Look, it's not been long since my dad left,

so just don't be a dickhead.

Mum!

Hello, darling! You did give me the right address.

There's a terrible smell out there.

-I've checked my shoes but I think it must just be the hallway.

-Er, OK.

Hello!

Hello.

-Owen, this is Judith.

-You didn't tell me you had a sister, Kate.

-Umm.

-Umm - I'm her mother.

-Oh! Mother?

Could have fooled me, hold the front page, world's youngest mother!

-Actually, that's quite a bleak news story.

-You should see her sister.

She's four years older, had three children,

looks younger than both of us. Doesn't she, Kate?

-Thanks, Mum.

-No, she must have good genes.

She could be our granddaughter, couldn't she, Kate?

Well, she's immature, if that's what you mean.

Jumped on it, haven't you? Just jumped on it.

I wasn't jumping on anything.

You've just got here and now you're...

-Guys, you left the front door wide open.

-Oh!

-And who might you be?

Kate, you didn't tell me you were subletting to Goldie Hawn.

Geoff, this is my mum Judith. Judith, this is Geoff, our landlord.

Oh!

Beauty begat beauty.

Is it important, Geoff? Mum is just settling in, so...

Yeah, I just came round to see if my man Owen is still OK to

help me out in a couple of days, clearing out one of my garages.

I own three garages, Judith. Large enough for a sports car.

Yeah. Could do with a hand, Owen?

Give the back a bit of a rest.

I er, I did it moving my music centre.

I've got...I've got a music centre.

It's quadruple deck. You can record directly off radio.

-Wow.

-It's all good with me, Geoff.

And I also came round

to see if anyone needs a tour of London Town. Judith?

We could start at a lovely Italian restaurant I know.

Have you been to Spaghetti House?

Er, sorry, Geoff, but I've already agreed to show Judith around,

-isn't that right, Judith?

-Oh, yes, that's right.

-Yes...Owen.

-Sorry, mate.

-Can I come?

-No. Anything else, Geoff?

-No.

Owen is quite the romantic swordsman, isn't he?

-OK, thank you, Geoff.

-Geoffrey will have to raise his game.

Yeah, people think comedy is exciting and glamorous.

But I haven't been on holiday for four years.

Last year, I earned so little, I didn't even have to pay income tax.

-Amazing.

-You really like that?

Yeah. I love it.

I'm sick of the same old "Lily, why don't you settle down?

"Why don't you give me some grandchildren?

"Why don't you stop setting fire to things?"

If I want to sleep with some deadbeat, I will.

I only own one pair of shoes.

-Keep talking.

-This watch come out of a cereal packet.

Now you're just showing off.

Let's get some atmosphere in here. Do you want to dim the lights?

What's wrong with these light switches?

How am I meant to know which one corresponds to which switch?

Yeah, those are for the kitchen lights.

It makes no sense. Who wired this place - Wile E Coyote?

I mean, in a minute, an anvil's going to fall on me.

-Is this one of your routines?

-Do you think it should be?

Not if you want to start paying income tax.

This is a nice place, isn't it?

How do you afford it?

I don't. It's my dad's.

Your dad lives here?

Ah, speak of the devil.

Hello, Lily. And you are?

Hello, I'm Josh.

Don't touch the marble.

Josh and I have just been out drinking together.

I wouldn't say drinking. We just had one or two very quiet drinks.

I had a shandy. And I didn't even finish it.

I'll leave that one over there, I think.

Josh is a comedian.

-He's so skint, I had to pay for everything.

-Did you?

-PHONE RINGS

-I'll get it.

His watch is from a cereal packet.

Listen, boy, I've moved to London to keep an eye on my daughter

and I won't have yet another boyfriend messing things up.

Did she say I'm her boyfriend?

No, and she never will. Do you even have a pension?

I'm toying with an ISA.

ISAs are not to be toyed with.

I don't like comedians.

No time for jokes. "A horse walks into a bar"?

Not on my watch. No animals near food preparation areas.

-Very wise.

-Look, I'm in the middle of a very difficult case.

I'm tired and I can't be arsed with this.

So you and your jokes just toddle off home now. There's a good lad.

Yes, your honour. Just get my coat.

To the left.

Thank you.

-Mum?

-Don't think so.

-(What are you doing up?)

-I'm just back from Lily's.

-Ssh!

(I'm back from Lily's. And next on the agenda, a piss.)

Oh, no, you can't! My mum's asleep. You'll wake her.

-You piss for ages.

-No, I don't.

-Yes, you do.

You told me last week you pissed for so long, you became genuinely bored!

I'd forgotten my phone. Now let me past.

You know what it's like for me. When I've got to go, I've got to go.

No, no! No midnight pissing while my mum is here.

If you wanted to empty your bladder, you should've done it earlier.

One old person turns up,

you start running this place like a dodgy care home.

I should film this and send it to Watchdog.

-Now, I've had a stressful night, let me past!

-Oh, why?

Did Lily pull down your trousers in front of the tuck shop?

Worse, her Dad showed up and threw me out the house

just as we were about to get down to it.

Firstly, only James Brown says "get down to it".

Secondly, Lily lives with her dad? Brilliant!

Thirdly, you're going to be the only person ever to have dated

Lily Riley and not had sex with her.

You could be on Record Breakers.

Not true. I got a text from her on the way home.

Her dad throwing me out really got her going.

(I'm bringing her back here tomorrow night.

(If I was you, I would hide my training bra.)

(Oh, you are not going to bring that bitch back here.

(If you do, I'm going to

(put a bucket of soapy water above the door.)

(All right, Dave Benson Phillips. Why are you up, anyway?)

(My mum described her weekend with my sister as

("her greatest experience as a mother".

(I'm just feeling the pressure a bit. Can't sleep.)

(You can't sleep? You should try going in with Owen.

(Last time I top-and-tailed with him, I woke up with his toe in my mouth.

(I had been having a dream about a Chupa Chups!

(Actually, maybe your mum could go in with Owen,

(then I could have my bed back. They seem to be getting on all right.

-(What do you mean by that?)

-(What's your problem?)

-(Nothing.

(Just something that Geoff said. He implied Owen and my mum were...)

-(Getting down to it?)

-(Stop using that phrase!)

(I think they would make a lovely couple.)

(Oh, just go and have your quiet piss.

(And hit the porcelain, not the water.)

But you've had girlfriends before, Joshy?

Yeah, but she's different. Her dad absolutely hates me.

I mean, I don't think he's going to let me...be with her.

You know, I have been around long enough to know what you mean

by "be with her".

Oh, I want to be with her so much, Judith.

I want to be with her in every room of the house.

Oh, little Joshy.

You were always so special.

Do you know, you were the only boy we ever let come on sleepovers?

That's flattering.

Hmm. You want to be careful. This one sounds like trouble.

She reminds me of that nasty little cow that used to bully

-Kate at your school.

-Lily Riley?

Yes, that's the one, addicted to dating failures.

Drove her father mad. Left most of them wrecked.

I'd be amazed if any of those poor boys ever managed

to have a relationship again.

-But she did sleep with them?

-Oh, yes. She...

Happy birthday, Mum.

Oh, my goodness me!

There you go.

Oh, my goodness. Almost forgotten.

Is that me?

No, it's Mary Berry. It's a Mary Berry cake.

Oh! Well, she'd struggle to use that as ID, wouldn't she?

The Queen would stand a better chance, wouldn't she?

Oh, honestly, you shouldn't have.

OK. Well, er, you're going to love your present!

Ta-da!

THEY MIMIC TRUMPET FANFARE

-It's a Paul Hollywood jigsaw!

-It is, yeah.

Look at that. A 3,000-piece jigsaw.

Oh, you shouldn't have, really.

Oh, look - Mary, Mary, it's Paul. "Hello, Mary."

-"Got a soggy bottom, Paul?"

-You don't like it, do you?

You prefer what my sister got you, don't you?

-What did she get you?

-Oh. A handbag.

-What kind of handbag?

-Brown.

-What make?

-Mulberry. But I like both presents equally.

-Yeah, right.

Oh, no. Look what I've done now. She's rouging.

-Oh, yeah.

-You're rouging, aren't you, darling?

-I'm not.

-She's rouging. You are rouging.

-Stop it. Don't join in!

-Half woman, half apple!

I'm not rouging! I'm not rouging, Mum!

She's always rouging.

Oh, don't be so sensitive. Come on.

-Let's, oh...

-Is she...?

Ah. Hello, Judith. A little birdy told me it was your birthday.

And I couldn't let the occasion pass without saying how much

I appreciate you.

-Really? But we only met yesterday.

-Yeah.

And as soon we met I thought of one thing, and one thing only.

Spa!

-The shop?

-No, the thing.

I am a member of a little health spa down the road.

-Really?

-Yes. So I got you a ticket,

for some treatments tomorrow evening.

Oh. extraordinary.

You know, I've never been to a spa in my life,

and in the last two weeks I have been to two.

Because her sister bought me the most incredible...

-Oh, well done her.

-Jumped on it.

-I didn't jump on it. I'm just saying well done her!

-Jumped on it.

Happy birthday, Judith!

-Oh, hello, Owen.

-Oh, hello, Geoff.

I've just, er, treated Judith to some pampering tomorrow evening.

Can you beat that?

Well, you know. Just got you a little something.

Oh, you shouldn't really, honestly.

Kate told me that you like music so...I made you this.

Oh, you shouldn't have, really! A mix tape!

A mix tape, interesting.

Yeah, a mix tape. Yeah, I can make you a copy of that

on my er, music centre.

"Now That's What I Call Judith"!

It's all the biggest hits from every year of your life.

-So just the 21 tracks.

-I'm not 21!

I can't believe it. And I won't believe it.

Have you heard of Eagle-Eye Cherry?

No, I don't think I have, Owen.

Well, when you do, You'll want to Save Tonight,

because to celebrate Judith being 50 years young,

I thought why don't we go to the pub for some drinks?

-How does that sound?

-You don't have to do this, Owen.

It's fine. You know it's in my nature to care.

No, you can stop. My mum doesn't even like going to the pub, anyway.

-So it's...

-I'd love that, Owen.

-Thank you.

-Aw!

-OK, well, I'm coming too.

-Yes, of course you are, darling.

-Me too.

-No.

-You don't remember Nigel Lawson?

-I do remember Nigel Lawson, yes!

-And his daughter now, I suppose, Nigella.

-Yeah. Of course.

-Yeah, I had a dream about Nigel Lawson.

Yeah, of course. As it's your birthday, how about some bubbly?

Oh, there's no need to buy champagne.

Er, barman, can I have a bottle of your finest champagne, please?

I can vouch that she's over the age of 18.

Honestly, what a gentleman.

I've only ever been bought champagne once before.

And that was by Kate's sister in Paris.

-Yeah, I'll get it. I'll get the champagne.

-Thank you.

-45 quid!

-Here it comes.

Right, Judith. As it's your special day,

why don't we link arms, like they do in the films,

-and toast the most exciting and fun chapter of your life.

-Which?

It's the one that's still to come! How does that sound? So, cheers!

-Cheers!

-Here we go.

-Cheers.

Hmm. Happy birthday!

THEY LAUGH

# They say that you're the runaround lover

# Though you say it isn't so

# But if you put me down for another

# I'll know, believe me, I'll know... #

Don't expect much from my place. It's pretty basic.

-We can always just stay at mine.

-No, we're almost there now.

So we might as well go there.

Shame. Dad's got his legal mates round.

They're probably watching a Judge Judy marathon

with their wigs on. You're so lucky living on your own.

-I've actually got a couple of flatmates.

-Oh, who do you live with?

A couple of fellow underachievers. One's a failed photographer.

-What does the other one do?

-He's Welsh.

Do you remember that awful Kate girl that you used to hang out with?

-She was so lame.

-She was all right!

Nut nipples? No, she wasn't. She was in top maths.

Oh, yeah! What a lamo.

God, I wonder what happened to her?

You know, for her GCSE's, she got straight A stars. What a loser!

Yeah, qualifications are so pointless.

I failed everything. You?

-Didn't bother checking.

-I'd kill her if I saw her again.

She once tried to flick ink on my Naf Naf jacket.

It backfired and she got herself in the face.

In the face? Interesting. Right, well, here we are, chez Josh.

-PHONE RINGS

-Ah. Nice.

-Kate?

-No, that's a different Kate.

She's a, er, unemployed graffiti artist.

So I just need to take this, I won't be a second.

Hey, Kate, how are things down at the wreck?

You got any, er, new sprays recently?

What?

Look, Owen bought my mum a mix tape earlier. Now he's feeding her

champagne and telling her she looks like a woman ten years her junior.

Oh, come on, be serious. He's not actually trying to bang your mum.

I mean, think about it, can you actually imagine them having sex?

Mmm.

# Something tells me I'm into something good... #

Oh. my. God!

-It's easy. You're really on form!

-THEY GIGGLE

Right, that's it. I'm bringing Mum home right now.

No, no, no, no, no! No, you can't do that, Kate? No! Kate?

Hello?!

Everything OK?

Yeah, she's just worried the rozzers have found her stencil.

So are we going in?

-I have lost my keys.

-That's fine, let's just go back to mine.

Your dad's place? No, I can't because - umm, my inhaler's in there

and I can't go a night without it.

Inhaler? You are the gift that keeps on giving.

Hey, hang on. Um, what are these?

They're my car keys.

You've got a Chubb lock on your car?

-You can never be too safe.

-Oh, God!

LAUGHTER

I think, I don't want you to get cold,

so maybe you should go home. Maybe we can meet up tomorrow night.

Er, OK. Dinner and then drinks at mine?

-Won't your dad be there?

-Oh, don't worry.

-He'll be fast asleep by the time we get back.

-Do you promise?

You are so pathetic. God, I want you to come back now.

LAUGHTER

-No, I can't.

-Are you at least going

-to walk me home?

-I'll walk you to a taxi rank.

-Have you got any money for the cab?

-No.

Amazing! My Dad is going to hate this!

And then she was so turned on by the fact I didn't have the

money for a cab that she dragged me down an alleyway.

-And then just before we were about to get down to it...

-No!

Sorry, just before we're about to get steamy...

-Even worse!

-..a policeman saw us.

He thought I was mugging her! I almost got arrested!

My God! If you can't have sex with Lily

while you're down an alleyway, then it's never going to happen.

-It's like her home turf.

-Sadly, her home turf is her dad's house.

But tonight, we're going to wait till he's asleep,

we're going to sneak back there and finally I'm going to get my end away.

-Eurgh! I miss "steamy".

-This is your fault.

I wouldn't be in this position

-if you hadn't come home so early!

-Yeah. That didn't even help.

I was still up till about five worrying.

And then, and then, I had a nightmare that Owen and my mum

are playing Twister and Owen folded

the mat in half so it was more intimate.

Well, you don't need to worry, cos your future stepdad's out all day.

He's helping Geoff clean out his garage.

I'm too tired to even pretend that's an euphemism.

Oh, she's surfaced.

Mum, I can sleep until one o'clock if I want. It's my own home.

Well, technically you rent. And I chip in.

Now, you seem very stressed.

I mean, I do feel awful about tipping you out of your bedroom

and everything but I don't want you to come out in hives.

-Mum! I don't get hives.

-Whatever.

Oh, do you know? I think I've got just the thing. Wait here.

I'd guess massage oils. If she hasn't already used them with Owen.

Why don't you go and fail to have sex down an alleyway, mate?

I keep telling you, Owen - lift from the knees.

Just as well I got you to sign that waiver.

Well, to be honest, Geoff, when you asked me to help,

-I assumed we'd be working together.

-I told you about my bad back, Owen.

Why have you bought the new garage?

Closer to home. Look, sit down. Let's just cut the banter.

Sit down. Let's have a bit of man chat.

So...

Did, um, did the mechanic fit the spark plug last night?

Er, I'm, I'm sorry, I'm not sure?

Did the diplomat sign the treaty?

I don't understand?

You're going to force me to use vulgar words, aren't you?

Did you... "lie" with Judith last night?

What? No. Of course not!

Look, look, Owen, the thing is, right...

Actually, this is really uncomfortable.

-There's a reason they're designed like that.

-Yeah.

The thing is, Owen, you're a young man.

You've got the pick of the orchard, so to say.

Whereas, my apple tree hasn't borne fruit for some time now.

Tell you what, I'm just going to

finish these last few boxes here, Geoff,

and then actually...

Is that the time? I've got to be somewhere as well.

Have you? Where have you got to be?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Unmistakable. Soap.

Ha-ha! Brilliant!

-You're not your mum!

-Oh, my God! What are you doing here?

Visiting your mum.

Well, she's at home. Oh, you didn't think you were going to...

Oh, I don't want to think about it!

I am a red-blooded male, Kate.

Shut up! This is supposed to be relaxing.

I'm almost having a bubble bath with my landlord.

Why are you smiling?

I'm sitting on a jet.

God, get off the jet!

-Ah!

-Oh right, I'm turning off the jets. Jesus!

-Aren't you supposed to be working with Owen?

-I sent him home early.

But my mum's at home! And Josh is out with Lily.

Oh, that means my mum and Owen are at home alone together!

Oh, I see what's happened here.

The old "nothing untoward happened last night" trick.

Well played, maestro. I bow to your greater skills.

What is that supposed to mean?

Well, they're obviously having intercourse.

-Why?

-This is not the time or the place.

-Shhh!

-What?

What if your dad hears?

Oh, is Joshy scared of Daddy?

I'm not scared, no, I'm not scared of him.

He can't hear anything. He's fast asleep with his earplugs in.

Hey dad! You prick! Wake up!

Dad! You total bell-end! You have a go.

Mr riley,you're a massive wanker!

All right, he's still my dad.

-Sorry, sorry, sorry.

-I'm just joking!

-Oh.

LAUGHTER

Hello?

You know, I never really thought I'd enjoy this,

but it is very satisfying.

Hello? Hello? It's me, Kate, your daughter!

I know what you're doing! I want you to stop right now!

Oh, darling, we've nearly finished.

Oh...sorry!

I thought... Actually, don't worry what I thought.

Just, er, carry on with the jigsaw.

-What did you think we were doing?

-Oh, nothing, nothing!

There must've been something you wanted us to stop.

No, no, nothing, really. Nothing important.

Cup of tea, anyone?

Well, if you're making one, milk and one sugar for me,

milk and no sugar for Judith cos, umm, she's sweet enough already.

Cool, no sugar. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

I'll use that mug you like, the one with the frog on it,

that we got in Bognor Regis

and you said it looked like me, but that's offensive, but it's fine.

Um, and I'll use the Welsh one for you, Owen,

cos you're Welsh and... Are you having sex with my mum?!

Sorry. No, no, I'm not sorry. I need to know.

Are you two having sex?

No, darling, this is a jigsaw. Did we never have that chat?

Good, good. Three teas coming up.

Get ready for tea! Tea time!

Why did you think we were having sex?

I don't know - the mix tape,

the mounting each other on the pool table, Geoff told me in a Jacuzzi...

What were you doing in a Jacuzzi with Geoff?

That's not the main issue here, Owen.

What, you thought that Owen and I...?

Don't, don't say it but yes, I did.

Sorry. I just...

No, no, no, no. Don't be sorry.

Don't be sorry. I'm flattered!

Really?

It's made my day. What a perfect birthday present!

Better than a Mulberry handbag?

Oh, darling, no comparison.

You thought that Owen would like to lie naked with me! Owen?

-Hello!

-OK, let's not dwell on that, please.

Kate, stop being such a prude.

I mean, women don't just stop having sex at 40.

I think if anything, you become more sexually confident with age.

Don't you want your mum to enjoy her body?

No. I want her to enjoy her jigsaw.

Oh, darling, your sister would have let me.

Oh, my God. You're traumatising me right now.

-Jumped on it.

-What? No, I haven't!

-What? What? What have I said now?

-I would never get away with saying that to my parents.

-Oh, yeah.

And then I told him about the cab and he was like proper furious.

Really went off on one. It was brilliant.

"Surely he had change on him? I mean he looks homeless."

Good one.

God, I would love it if you were homeless.

SHE GASPS

Just before we get down to it, I just need to go to the toilet.

Get down to it? Oh - who even says that!

Yeah. Um, it's just across the hallway.

-I'll just be in here.

-Oh, my God!

Unlucky, mate! I'm just about to have sex with your wayward daughter.

Oh, come on, these bloody light switches!

SWITCHES CLICK LOUDLY

# Get down, get down

# Get down, get down... #

Oh, good one!

You're going to love this.

-I put a pair of boxer shorts in the bed her mum slept in.

-Oh!

Very funny.

Those weren't the ones I left there.

# Get down, get down

# Get down, get down

# Jungle boogie

-# Jungle boogie

-Get it on

-# Jungle boogie

-Get it on, yeah

-# Jungle boogie

-Get it on

-# Jungle boogie

-Get up with the boogie

# Jungle boogie... #