Mum and Dad Josh


Mum and Dad

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Come on, guys, it was an honest mistake.

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-Who series-links Babestation?

-It's not even a series.

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Not like it matters if you miss an episode. I'm sure you'll catch up.

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You've wiped everything!

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-Not the controller.

-Oh!

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This is just typical of you, Owen. You only care about yourself.

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Oh, that is not true, I do care!

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That's why I made you this little present to show you I'm sorry.

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-Oh, I don't want one of your mix tapes!

-What's wrong with you?

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We're friends, aren't we?

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It's weird. It's shorthand for "I'm deep, let's make love".

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-I'm not your girlfriend.

-I know!

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That's why I had to series-link Babestation.

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Lily? It's Josh.

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Oh, my God, hey!

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-Josh from school?

-Josh from school.

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I wrote your Lord Of The Flies coursework for you!

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Oh, yeah. Thanks.

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-So, I'm a comedian now.

-Wow!

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-I know, yeah!

-No, seriously, wow!

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Yeah, I know, thanks.

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You are literally the last person I would have expected.

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I mean, you weren't at all funny at school.

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I mean, I never spoke to you but you didn't look funny.

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I mean, you looked funny, but you didn't look FUNNY.

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-Right, OK.

-So is that quite an unreliable job, then?

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-Do you have a pension?

-No, no, no. Toying with an ISA.

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-God, you're what my dad would call a drain on society.

-Right.

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Actually, what are you doing tomorrow night?

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-Why?

-Come for a drink.

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Are you a financial advisor?

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No, I mean socially.

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What? Me and you together, at the same time? Yeah, definitely.

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And maybe we could take photos and put them on Facebook

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so people from school can see what we're up to?

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-No, don't do that.

-No, I won't do that, I was joking.

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-Are these clean or not?

-What the hell are you doing in here?

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Tidying the flat before my mum gets here.

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She needs my bedroom so you're going in with Owen, and I'm in here.

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They don't go in there. They're clean!

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You call these clean? I think you need to start using hotter washes.

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Right, give me them here.

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Anyway, anyway this doesn't matter,

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cos you're not going to believe what's just happened to me.

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What do these two words mean to you? Lily Riley.

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Er, the massive bitch who melted my Trevor and Simon ruler.

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Or you might remember her as the hottest girl in school.

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Nope, I remember her as the cow who stole my training bra

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-and then brought it in for show-and-tell.

-Well, it's funny!

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She said it was for transporting acorns,

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-but that it wouldn't hold enough for a squirrel's lunch!

-That's funny!

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Big mistake. You mess with the K-Bomb, you're going

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to get ink on your Naf Naf jacket!

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Oh, come on, Kate. You need to move on. It's not the '90s any more.

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But if it was, I would be sat on the back seat of the bus with

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the hottest girl in school, cos I have a date with Lily Riley.

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-You're going on a date with Lily Riley?

-Oh, yeah!

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-This is fantastic!

-I know!

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Look how far she has fallen!

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Reduced to going on a date with a guy

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she used to call the Fresh Prince of Bell End!

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Did she? That doesn't matter.

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Maybe she was playing hard to get, or maybe she was intimidated by me.

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She was out of my league physically,

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I was out of her league intellectually.

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There's no such thing as an intellectual league.

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Oh, really? Then why was I in top maths?

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Because you didn't have a social life!

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Look, to be honest, she had her pick of the football team.

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I'm not sure she was secretly yearning for the spotty blond

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in the Umbro manager's jacket.

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It was a nice jacket! Ruud Gullit had one!

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Oh, you are so sad sometimes,

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it makes me want to cry! Also, you hated her.

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Remember her boyfriend pulled down your trousers

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in front of everyone and you got the nickname "The Grape"?

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-Yes.

-Who pulled down his trousers?

-No, you don't need to...

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-It was at school.

-No, shush-shush!

-Craig Lemington pulled down

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-his trousers in the tuck shop...

-No, don't tell him!

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-..and his knob looked like a grape.

-A grape?

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Wasn't going to find it arousing, was I?

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-What kind of grape?

-No, that's not the point, the point...

-Seedless!

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The point is that my trousers are going to be down

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near Lily Riley again, but this time, on my terms.

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You do know flashing is a crime?

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No, what I mean is, she wants to pull down my trousers.

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Why would she want to do that? Is she opening a vineyard?

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You're both just jealous

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cos I'm going out with the hottest girl in school.

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Oh, oh, yeah. And she was notoriously picky.

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I mean, she only slept with

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-every single bouncer in Torquay.

-No, she didn't.

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-They used to radio each other to say she was on her way.

-No, they didn't!

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And, her dad was that judge.

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And when he found out Craig Lemington kissed Lily,

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he put him in jail for a week without trial.

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-No, no-one's got those powers!

-And he hit one of her boyfriends

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-in the balls with a golden gavel.

-Right.

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-A - where would he have got a golden gavel?

-25 years of service?

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Right. And B - these are urban myths.

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Fair enough. Just remember, Josh,

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think with your head, not with your grape.

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-Get away from my grape.

-Little grapey.

-Get away from my grape.

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Why are these Top Trumps everywhere? Do you even use them?

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They are educational!

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OK, look, Owen.

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When my mum gets here, you are on your best behaviour, OK?

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She is turning 50 and it is vital she has a good time.

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So no Babestation?

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-God! Just try and show you care for once.

-I do care!

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Why do you keep saying that? I'm a master of talking to mums,

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aunties, cool grans.

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If they were giving out qualifications for charming

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the slightly older lady, I would have a GNVQ.

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OK, cool. Well, she likes all the normal mum stuff, OK?

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Like Magic FM, er, Great British Bake Off, me, my sister...

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Well, soon she's going to have a new thing to like.

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-DOORBELL RINGS

-This guy!

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OK, well... Look, it's not been long since my dad left,

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so just don't be a dickhead.

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Mum!

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Hello, darling! You did give me the right address.

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There's a terrible smell out there.

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-I've checked my shoes but I think it must just be the hallway.

-Er, OK.

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Hello!

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Hello.

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-Owen, this is Judith.

-You didn't tell me you had a sister, Kate.

-Umm.

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-Umm - I'm her mother.

-Oh! Mother?

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Could have fooled me, hold the front page, world's youngest mother!

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-Actually, that's quite a bleak news story.

-You should see her sister.

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She's four years older, had three children,

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looks younger than both of us. Doesn't she, Kate?

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-Thanks, Mum.

-No, she must have good genes.

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She could be our granddaughter, couldn't she, Kate?

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Well, she's immature, if that's what you mean.

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Jumped on it, haven't you? Just jumped on it.

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I wasn't jumping on anything.

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You've just got here and now you're...

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-Guys, you left the front door wide open.

-Oh!

-And who might you be?

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Kate, you didn't tell me you were subletting to Goldie Hawn.

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Geoff, this is my mum Judith. Judith, this is Geoff, our landlord.

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Oh!

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Beauty begat beauty.

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Is it important, Geoff? Mum is just settling in, so...

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Yeah, I just came round to see if my man Owen is still OK to

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help me out in a couple of days, clearing out one of my garages.

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I own three garages, Judith. Large enough for a sports car.

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Yeah. Could do with a hand, Owen?

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Give the back a bit of a rest.

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I er, I did it moving my music centre.

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I've got...I've got a music centre.

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It's quadruple deck. You can record directly off radio.

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-Wow.

-It's all good with me, Geoff.

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And I also came round

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to see if anyone needs a tour of London Town. Judith?

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We could start at a lovely Italian restaurant I know.

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Have you been to Spaghetti House?

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Er, sorry, Geoff, but I've already agreed to show Judith around,

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-isn't that right, Judith?

-Oh, yes, that's right.

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-Yes...Owen.

-Sorry, mate.

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-Can I come?

-No. Anything else, Geoff?

-No.

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Owen is quite the romantic swordsman, isn't he?

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-OK, thank you, Geoff.

-Geoffrey will have to raise his game.

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Yeah, people think comedy is exciting and glamorous.

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But I haven't been on holiday for four years.

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Last year, I earned so little, I didn't even have to pay income tax.

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-Amazing.

-You really like that?

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Yeah. I love it.

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I'm sick of the same old "Lily, why don't you settle down?

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"Why don't you give me some grandchildren?

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"Why don't you stop setting fire to things?"

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If I want to sleep with some deadbeat, I will.

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I only own one pair of shoes.

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-Keep talking.

-This watch come out of a cereal packet.

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Now you're just showing off.

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Let's get some atmosphere in here. Do you want to dim the lights?

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What's wrong with these light switches?

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How am I meant to know which one corresponds to which switch?

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Yeah, those are for the kitchen lights.

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It makes no sense. Who wired this place - Wile E Coyote?

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I mean, in a minute, an anvil's going to fall on me.

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-Is this one of your routines?

-Do you think it should be?

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Not if you want to start paying income tax.

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This is a nice place, isn't it?

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How do you afford it?

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I don't. It's my dad's.

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Your dad lives here?

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Ah, speak of the devil.

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Hello, Lily. And you are?

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Hello, I'm Josh.

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Don't touch the marble.

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Josh and I have just been out drinking together.

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I wouldn't say drinking. We just had one or two very quiet drinks.

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I had a shandy. And I didn't even finish it.

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I'll leave that one over there, I think.

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Josh is a comedian.

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-He's so skint, I had to pay for everything.

-Did you?

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-PHONE RINGS

-I'll get it.

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His watch is from a cereal packet.

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Listen, boy, I've moved to London to keep an eye on my daughter

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and I won't have yet another boyfriend messing things up.

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Did she say I'm her boyfriend?

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No, and she never will. Do you even have a pension?

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I'm toying with an ISA.

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ISAs are not to be toyed with.

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I don't like comedians.

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No time for jokes. "A horse walks into a bar"?

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Not on my watch. No animals near food preparation areas.

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-Very wise.

-Look, I'm in the middle of a very difficult case.

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I'm tired and I can't be arsed with this.

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So you and your jokes just toddle off home now. There's a good lad.

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Yes, your honour. Just get my coat.

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To the left.

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Thank you.

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-Mum?

-Don't think so.

-(What are you doing up?)

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-I'm just back from Lily's.

-Ssh!

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(I'm back from Lily's. And next on the agenda, a piss.)

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Oh, no, you can't! My mum's asleep. You'll wake her.

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-You piss for ages.

-No, I don't.

-Yes, you do.

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You told me last week you pissed for so long, you became genuinely bored!

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I'd forgotten my phone. Now let me past.

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You know what it's like for me. When I've got to go, I've got to go.

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No, no! No midnight pissing while my mum is here.

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If you wanted to empty your bladder, you should've done it earlier.

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One old person turns up,

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you start running this place like a dodgy care home.

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I should film this and send it to Watchdog.

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-Now, I've had a stressful night, let me past!

-Oh, why?

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Did Lily pull down your trousers in front of the tuck shop?

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Worse, her Dad showed up and threw me out the house

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just as we were about to get down to it.

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Firstly, only James Brown says "get down to it".

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Secondly, Lily lives with her dad? Brilliant!

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Thirdly, you're going to be the only person ever to have dated

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Lily Riley and not had sex with her.

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You could be on Record Breakers.

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Not true. I got a text from her on the way home.

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Her dad throwing me out really got her going.

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(I'm bringing her back here tomorrow night.

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(If I was you, I would hide my training bra.)

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(Oh, you are not going to bring that bitch back here.

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(If you do, I'm going to

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(put a bucket of soapy water above the door.)

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(All right, Dave Benson Phillips. Why are you up, anyway?)

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(My mum described her weekend with my sister as

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("her greatest experience as a mother".

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(I'm just feeling the pressure a bit. Can't sleep.)

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(You can't sleep? You should try going in with Owen.

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(Last time I top-and-tailed with him, I woke up with his toe in my mouth.

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(I had been having a dream about a Chupa Chups!

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(Actually, maybe your mum could go in with Owen,

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(then I could have my bed back. They seem to be getting on all right.

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-(What do you mean by that?)

-(What's your problem?)

-(Nothing.

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(Just something that Geoff said. He implied Owen and my mum were...)

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-(Getting down to it?)

-(Stop using that phrase!)

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(I think they would make a lovely couple.)

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(Oh, just go and have your quiet piss.

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(And hit the porcelain, not the water.)

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But you've had girlfriends before, Joshy?

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Yeah, but she's different. Her dad absolutely hates me.

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I mean, I don't think he's going to let me...be with her.

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You know, I have been around long enough to know what you mean

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by "be with her".

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Oh, I want to be with her so much, Judith.

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I want to be with her in every room of the house.

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Oh, little Joshy.

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You were always so special.

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Do you know, you were the only boy we ever let come on sleepovers?

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That's flattering.

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Hmm. You want to be careful. This one sounds like trouble.

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She reminds me of that nasty little cow that used to bully

0:12:200:12:23

-Kate at your school.

-Lily Riley?

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Yes, that's the one, addicted to dating failures.

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Drove her father mad. Left most of them wrecked.

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I'd be amazed if any of those poor boys ever managed

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to have a relationship again.

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-But she did sleep with them?

-Oh, yes. She...

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Happy birthday, Mum.

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Oh, my goodness me!

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There you go.

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Oh, my goodness. Almost forgotten.

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Is that me?

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No, it's Mary Berry. It's a Mary Berry cake.

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Oh! Well, she'd struggle to use that as ID, wouldn't she?

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The Queen would stand a better chance, wouldn't she?

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Oh, honestly, you shouldn't have.

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OK. Well, er, you're going to love your present!

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Ta-da!

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THEY MIMIC TRUMPET FANFARE

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-It's a Paul Hollywood jigsaw!

-It is, yeah.

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Look at that. A 3,000-piece jigsaw.

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Oh, you shouldn't have, really.

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Oh, look - Mary, Mary, it's Paul. "Hello, Mary."

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-"Got a soggy bottom, Paul?"

-You don't like it, do you?

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You prefer what my sister got you, don't you?

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-What did she get you?

-Oh. A handbag.

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-What kind of handbag?

-Brown.

-What make?

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-Mulberry. But I like both presents equally.

-Yeah, right.

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Oh, no. Look what I've done now. She's rouging.

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-Oh, yeah.

-You're rouging, aren't you, darling?

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-I'm not.

-She's rouging. You are rouging.

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-Stop it. Don't join in!

-Half woman, half apple!

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I'm not rouging! I'm not rouging, Mum!

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She's always rouging.

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Oh, don't be so sensitive. Come on.

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-Let's, oh...

-Is she...?

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Ah. Hello, Judith. A little birdy told me it was your birthday.

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And I couldn't let the occasion pass without saying how much

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I appreciate you.

0:14:000:14:02

-Really? But we only met yesterday.

-Yeah.

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And as soon we met I thought of one thing, and one thing only.

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Spa!

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-The shop?

-No, the thing.

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I am a member of a little health spa down the road.

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-Really?

-Yes. So I got you a ticket,

0:14:160:14:18

for some treatments tomorrow evening.

0:14:180:14:20

Oh. extraordinary.

0:14:200:14:23

You know, I've never been to a spa in my life,

0:14:230:14:25

and in the last two weeks I have been to two.

0:14:250:14:28

Because her sister bought me the most incredible...

0:14:280:14:30

-Oh, well done her.

-Jumped on it.

0:14:300:14:32

-I didn't jump on it. I'm just saying well done her!

-Jumped on it.

0:14:320:14:35

Happy birthday, Judith!

0:14:350:14:36

-Oh, hello, Owen.

-Oh, hello, Geoff.

0:14:380:14:39

I've just, er, treated Judith to some pampering tomorrow evening.

0:14:390:14:43

Can you beat that?

0:14:430:14:44

Well, you know. Just got you a little something.

0:14:440:14:47

Oh, you shouldn't really, honestly.

0:14:470:14:48

Kate told me that you like music so...I made you this.

0:14:480:14:51

Oh, you shouldn't have, really! A mix tape!

0:14:510:14:55

A mix tape, interesting.

0:14:550:14:56

Yeah, a mix tape. Yeah, I can make you a copy of that

0:14:560:14:59

on my er, music centre.

0:14:590:15:01

"Now That's What I Call Judith"!

0:15:010:15:03

It's all the biggest hits from every year of your life.

0:15:030:15:06

-So just the 21 tracks.

-I'm not 21!

0:15:060:15:08

I can't believe it. And I won't believe it.

0:15:080:15:10

Have you heard of Eagle-Eye Cherry?

0:15:100:15:13

No, I don't think I have, Owen.

0:15:130:15:14

Well, when you do, You'll want to Save Tonight,

0:15:140:15:16

because to celebrate Judith being 50 years young,

0:15:160:15:18

I thought why don't we go to the pub for some drinks?

0:15:180:15:21

-How does that sound?

-You don't have to do this, Owen.

0:15:210:15:23

It's fine. You know it's in my nature to care.

0:15:230:15:25

No, you can stop. My mum doesn't even like going to the pub, anyway.

0:15:250:15:28

-So it's...

-I'd love that, Owen.

0:15:280:15:29

-Thank you.

-Aw!

-OK, well, I'm coming too.

0:15:290:15:31

-Yes, of course you are, darling.

-Me too.

-No.

0:15:310:15:34

-You don't remember Nigel Lawson?

-I do remember Nigel Lawson, yes!

0:15:390:15:42

-And his daughter now, I suppose, Nigella.

-Yeah. Of course.

-Yeah, I had a dream about Nigel Lawson.

0:15:420:15:46

Yeah, of course. As it's your birthday, how about some bubbly?

0:15:460:15:49

Oh, there's no need to buy champagne.

0:15:490:15:50

Er, barman, can I have a bottle of your finest champagne, please?

0:15:500:15:53

I can vouch that she's over the age of 18.

0:15:530:15:55

Honestly, what a gentleman.

0:15:550:15:57

I've only ever been bought champagne once before.

0:15:570:15:59

And that was by Kate's sister in Paris.

0:15:590:16:01

-Yeah, I'll get it. I'll get the champagne.

-Thank you.

0:16:010:16:04

-45 quid!

-Here it comes.

0:16:040:16:06

Right, Judith. As it's your special day,

0:16:060:16:09

why don't we link arms, like they do in the films,

0:16:090:16:12

-and toast the most exciting and fun chapter of your life.

-Which?

0:16:120:16:16

It's the one that's still to come! How does that sound? So, cheers!

0:16:160:16:20

-Cheers!

-Here we go.

-Cheers.

0:16:200:16:22

Hmm. Happy birthday!

0:16:230:16:25

THEY LAUGH

0:16:250:16:27

# They say that you're the runaround lover

0:16:310:16:34

# Though you say it isn't so

0:16:340:16:39

# But if you put me down for another

0:16:390:16:44

# I'll know, believe me, I'll know... #

0:16:440:16:47

Don't expect much from my place. It's pretty basic.

0:16:480:16:50

-We can always just stay at mine.

-No, we're almost there now.

0:16:500:16:53

So we might as well go there.

0:16:530:16:54

Shame. Dad's got his legal mates round.

0:16:540:16:56

They're probably watching a Judge Judy marathon

0:16:560:16:59

with their wigs on. You're so lucky living on your own.

0:16:590:17:01

-I've actually got a couple of flatmates.

-Oh, who do you live with?

0:17:010:17:04

A couple of fellow underachievers. One's a failed photographer.

0:17:040:17:07

-What does the other one do?

-He's Welsh.

0:17:070:17:10

Do you remember that awful Kate girl that you used to hang out with?

0:17:100:17:13

-She was so lame.

-She was all right!

0:17:130:17:16

Nut nipples? No, she wasn't. She was in top maths.

0:17:160:17:19

Oh, yeah! What a lamo.

0:17:190:17:21

God, I wonder what happened to her?

0:17:210:17:23

You know, for her GCSE's, she got straight A stars. What a loser!

0:17:230:17:27

Yeah, qualifications are so pointless.

0:17:270:17:28

I failed everything. You?

0:17:280:17:31

-Didn't bother checking.

-I'd kill her if I saw her again.

0:17:310:17:33

She once tried to flick ink on my Naf Naf jacket.

0:17:330:17:36

It backfired and she got herself in the face.

0:17:360:17:39

In the face? Interesting. Right, well, here we are, chez Josh.

0:17:390:17:42

-PHONE RINGS

-Ah. Nice.

0:17:420:17:45

-Kate?

-No, that's a different Kate.

0:17:450:17:47

She's a, er, unemployed graffiti artist.

0:17:470:17:50

So I just need to take this, I won't be a second.

0:17:500:17:52

Hey, Kate, how are things down at the wreck?

0:17:520:17:55

You got any, er, new sprays recently?

0:17:550:17:58

What?

0:17:580:17:59

Look, Owen bought my mum a mix tape earlier. Now he's feeding her

0:17:590:18:03

champagne and telling her she looks like a woman ten years her junior.

0:18:030:18:06

Oh, come on, be serious. He's not actually trying to bang your mum.

0:18:060:18:09

I mean, think about it, can you actually imagine them having sex?

0:18:090:18:12

Mmm.

0:18:120:18:14

# Something tells me I'm into something good... #

0:18:140:18:17

Oh. my. God!

0:18:170:18:20

-It's easy. You're really on form!

-THEY GIGGLE

0:18:200:18:24

Right, that's it. I'm bringing Mum home right now.

0:18:240:18:26

No, no, no, no, no! No, you can't do that, Kate? No! Kate?

0:18:260:18:29

Hello?!

0:18:290:18:30

Everything OK?

0:18:310:18:33

Yeah, she's just worried the rozzers have found her stencil.

0:18:330:18:37

So are we going in?

0:18:370:18:38

-I have lost my keys.

-That's fine, let's just go back to mine.

0:18:390:18:42

Your dad's place? No, I can't because - umm, my inhaler's in there

0:18:420:18:46

and I can't go a night without it.

0:18:460:18:48

Inhaler? You are the gift that keeps on giving.

0:18:480:18:50

Hey, hang on. Um, what are these?

0:18:500:18:54

They're my car keys.

0:18:540:18:55

You've got a Chubb lock on your car?

0:18:550:18:57

-You can never be too safe.

-Oh, God!

0:18:570:18:59

LAUGHTER

0:19:020:19:04

I think, I don't want you to get cold,

0:19:040:19:06

so maybe you should go home. Maybe we can meet up tomorrow night.

0:19:060:19:09

Er, OK. Dinner and then drinks at mine?

0:19:090:19:11

-Won't your dad be there?

-Oh, don't worry.

0:19:110:19:13

-He'll be fast asleep by the time we get back.

-Do you promise?

0:19:130:19:16

You are so pathetic. God, I want you to come back now.

0:19:160:19:19

LAUGHTER

0:19:190:19:21

-No, I can't.

-Are you at least going

0:19:210:19:23

-to walk me home?

-I'll walk you to a taxi rank.

0:19:230:19:25

-Have you got any money for the cab?

-No.

0:19:250:19:26

Amazing! My Dad is going to hate this!

0:19:260:19:29

And then she was so turned on by the fact I didn't have the

0:19:340:19:37

money for a cab that she dragged me down an alleyway.

0:19:370:19:40

-And then just before we were about to get down to it...

-No!

0:19:400:19:42

Sorry, just before we're about to get steamy...

0:19:420:19:44

-Even worse!

-..a policeman saw us.

0:19:440:19:46

He thought I was mugging her! I almost got arrested!

0:19:460:19:48

My God! If you can't have sex with Lily

0:19:480:19:50

while you're down an alleyway, then it's never going to happen.

0:19:500:19:53

-It's like her home turf.

-Sadly, her home turf is her dad's house.

0:19:530:19:55

But tonight, we're going to wait till he's asleep,

0:19:550:19:58

we're going to sneak back there and finally I'm going to get my end away.

0:19:580:20:01

-Eurgh! I miss "steamy".

-This is your fault.

0:20:010:20:03

I wouldn't be in this position

0:20:030:20:04

-if you hadn't come home so early!

-Yeah. That didn't even help.

0:20:040:20:07

I was still up till about five worrying.

0:20:070:20:09

And then, and then, I had a nightmare that Owen and my mum

0:20:090:20:12

are playing Twister and Owen folded

0:20:120:20:14

the mat in half so it was more intimate.

0:20:140:20:15

Well, you don't need to worry, cos your future stepdad's out all day.

0:20:150:20:18

He's helping Geoff clean out his garage.

0:20:180:20:20

I'm too tired to even pretend that's an euphemism.

0:20:200:20:23

Oh, she's surfaced.

0:20:230:20:24

Mum, I can sleep until one o'clock if I want. It's my own home.

0:20:240:20:27

Well, technically you rent. And I chip in.

0:20:270:20:29

Now, you seem very stressed.

0:20:290:20:30

I mean, I do feel awful about tipping you out of your bedroom

0:20:300:20:33

and everything but I don't want you to come out in hives.

0:20:330:20:35

-Mum! I don't get hives.

-Whatever.

0:20:350:20:38

Oh, do you know? I think I've got just the thing. Wait here.

0:20:380:20:42

I'd guess massage oils. If she hasn't already used them with Owen.

0:20:420:20:46

Why don't you go and fail to have sex down an alleyway, mate?

0:20:460:20:48

I keep telling you, Owen - lift from the knees.

0:20:590:21:01

Just as well I got you to sign that waiver.

0:21:010:21:02

Well, to be honest, Geoff, when you asked me to help,

0:21:020:21:05

-I assumed we'd be working together.

-I told you about my bad back, Owen.

0:21:050:21:08

Why have you bought the new garage?

0:21:080:21:09

Closer to home. Look, sit down. Let's just cut the banter.

0:21:090:21:14

Sit down. Let's have a bit of man chat.

0:21:140:21:16

So...

0:21:190:21:20

Did, um, did the mechanic fit the spark plug last night?

0:21:200:21:25

Er, I'm, I'm sorry, I'm not sure?

0:21:270:21:31

Did the diplomat sign the treaty?

0:21:310:21:34

I don't understand?

0:21:360:21:38

You're going to force me to use vulgar words, aren't you?

0:21:380:21:41

Did you... "lie" with Judith last night?

0:21:410:21:44

What? No. Of course not!

0:21:460:21:50

Look, look, Owen, the thing is, right...

0:21:500:21:52

Actually, this is really uncomfortable.

0:21:520:21:55

-There's a reason they're designed like that.

-Yeah.

0:21:550:21:59

The thing is, Owen, you're a young man.

0:21:590:22:02

You've got the pick of the orchard, so to say.

0:22:020:22:05

Whereas, my apple tree hasn't borne fruit for some time now.

0:22:050:22:11

Tell you what, I'm just going to

0:22:110:22:12

finish these last few boxes here, Geoff,

0:22:120:22:14

and then actually...

0:22:140:22:17

Is that the time? I've got to be somewhere as well.

0:22:170:22:19

Have you? Where have you got to be?

0:22:190:22:21

Wouldn't you like to know?

0:22:210:22:24

Unmistakable. Soap.

0:22:240:22:26

Ha-ha! Brilliant!

0:22:260:22:27

-You're not your mum!

-Oh, my God! What are you doing here?

0:22:510:22:54

Visiting your mum.

0:22:540:22:55

Well, she's at home. Oh, you didn't think you were going to...

0:22:550:22:58

Oh, I don't want to think about it!

0:22:580:23:00

I am a red-blooded male, Kate.

0:23:000:23:01

Shut up! This is supposed to be relaxing.

0:23:010:23:05

I'm almost having a bubble bath with my landlord.

0:23:050:23:07

Why are you smiling?

0:23:100:23:11

I'm sitting on a jet.

0:23:110:23:12

God, get off the jet!

0:23:120:23:14

-Ah!

-Oh right, I'm turning off the jets. Jesus!

0:23:180:23:22

-Aren't you supposed to be working with Owen?

-I sent him home early.

0:23:220:23:25

But my mum's at home! And Josh is out with Lily.

0:23:250:23:28

Oh, that means my mum and Owen are at home alone together!

0:23:280:23:31

Oh, I see what's happened here.

0:23:310:23:33

The old "nothing untoward happened last night" trick.

0:23:330:23:37

Well played, maestro. I bow to your greater skills.

0:23:370:23:40

What is that supposed to mean?

0:23:400:23:41

Well, they're obviously having intercourse.

0:23:410:23:44

-Why?

-This is not the time or the place.

0:23:450:23:48

-Shhh!

-What?

0:23:550:23:57

What if your dad hears?

0:23:570:23:58

Oh, is Joshy scared of Daddy?

0:23:580:23:59

I'm not scared, no, I'm not scared of him.

0:23:590:24:01

He can't hear anything. He's fast asleep with his earplugs in.

0:24:010:24:04

Hey dad! You prick! Wake up!

0:24:040:24:07

Dad! You total bell-end! You have a go.

0:24:070:24:09

Mr riley,you're a massive wanker!

0:24:090:24:11

All right, he's still my dad.

0:24:110:24:13

-Sorry, sorry, sorry.

-I'm just joking!

-Oh.

0:24:130:24:15

LAUGHTER

0:24:200:24:22

Hello?

0:24:220:24:23

You know, I never really thought I'd enjoy this,

0:24:230:24:26

but it is very satisfying.

0:24:260:24:28

Hello? Hello? It's me, Kate, your daughter!

0:24:300:24:35

I know what you're doing! I want you to stop right now!

0:24:350:24:37

Oh, darling, we've nearly finished.

0:24:370:24:40

Oh...sorry!

0:24:400:24:42

I thought... Actually, don't worry what I thought.

0:24:420:24:45

Just, er, carry on with the jigsaw.

0:24:450:24:48

-What did you think we were doing?

-Oh, nothing, nothing!

0:24:480:24:51

There must've been something you wanted us to stop.

0:24:510:24:54

No, no, nothing, really. Nothing important.

0:24:540:24:56

Cup of tea, anyone?

0:24:560:24:57

Well, if you're making one, milk and one sugar for me,

0:24:570:25:00

milk and no sugar for Judith cos, umm, she's sweet enough already.

0:25:000:25:04

Cool, no sugar. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

0:25:040:25:06

I'll use that mug you like, the one with the frog on it,

0:25:060:25:08

that we got in Bognor Regis

0:25:080:25:10

and you said it looked like me, but that's offensive, but it's fine.

0:25:100:25:13

Um, and I'll use the Welsh one for you, Owen,

0:25:130:25:15

cos you're Welsh and... Are you having sex with my mum?!

0:25:150:25:17

Sorry. No, no, I'm not sorry. I need to know.

0:25:170:25:20

Are you two having sex?

0:25:200:25:22

No, darling, this is a jigsaw. Did we never have that chat?

0:25:220:25:26

Good, good. Three teas coming up.

0:25:260:25:29

Get ready for tea! Tea time!

0:25:290:25:31

Why did you think we were having sex?

0:25:310:25:34

I don't know - the mix tape,

0:25:340:25:35

the mounting each other on the pool table, Geoff told me in a Jacuzzi...

0:25:350:25:39

What were you doing in a Jacuzzi with Geoff?

0:25:390:25:41

That's not the main issue here, Owen.

0:25:410:25:43

What, you thought that Owen and I...?

0:25:430:25:46

Don't, don't say it but yes, I did.

0:25:460:25:48

Sorry. I just...

0:25:480:25:50

No, no, no, no. Don't be sorry.

0:25:500:25:52

Don't be sorry. I'm flattered!

0:25:520:25:54

Really?

0:25:540:25:55

It's made my day. What a perfect birthday present!

0:25:550:25:58

Better than a Mulberry handbag?

0:25:580:26:00

Oh, darling, no comparison.

0:26:000:26:02

You thought that Owen would like to lie naked with me! Owen?

0:26:020:26:07

-Hello!

-OK, let's not dwell on that, please.

0:26:070:26:09

Kate, stop being such a prude.

0:26:090:26:11

I mean, women don't just stop having sex at 40.

0:26:110:26:14

I think if anything, you become more sexually confident with age.

0:26:140:26:17

Don't you want your mum to enjoy her body?

0:26:170:26:20

No. I want her to enjoy her jigsaw.

0:26:200:26:22

Oh, darling, your sister would have let me.

0:26:220:26:24

Oh, my God. You're traumatising me right now.

0:26:240:26:27

-Jumped on it.

-What? No, I haven't!

-What? What? What have I said now?

0:26:270:26:30

-I would never get away with saying that to my parents.

-Oh, yeah.

0:26:300:26:33

And then I told him about the cab and he was like proper furious.

0:26:330:26:36

Really went off on one. It was brilliant.

0:26:360:26:38

"Surely he had change on him? I mean he looks homeless."

0:26:380:26:40

Good one.

0:26:400:26:42

God, I would love it if you were homeless.

0:26:420:26:44

SHE GASPS

0:26:490:26:51

Just before we get down to it, I just need to go to the toilet.

0:26:530:26:56

Get down to it? Oh - who even says that!

0:26:560:27:01

Yeah. Um, it's just across the hallway.

0:27:010:27:03

-I'll just be in here.

-Oh, my God!

0:27:030:27:05

Unlucky, mate! I'm just about to have sex with your wayward daughter.

0:27:050:27:09

Oh, come on, these bloody light switches!

0:27:150:27:18

SWITCHES CLICK LOUDLY

0:27:180:27:21

# Get down, get down

0:27:340:27:36

# Get down, get down... #

0:27:360:27:37

Oh, good one!

0:27:370:27:38

You're going to love this.

0:27:380:27:40

-I put a pair of boxer shorts in the bed her mum slept in.

-Oh!

0:27:400:27:43

Very funny.

0:27:430:27:45

Those weren't the ones I left there.

0:27:460:27:48

# Get down, get down

0:27:480:27:51

# Get down, get down

0:27:510:27:52

# Jungle boogie

0:28:110:28:13

-# Jungle boogie

-Get it on

0:28:130:28:16

-# Jungle boogie

-Get it on, yeah

0:28:160:28:18

-# Jungle boogie

-Get it on

0:28:180:28:20

-# Jungle boogie

-Get up with the boogie

0:28:200:28:22

# Jungle boogie... #

0:28:220:28:23

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