Wedding and Waiting Josh

-Hmm. You know why the Guinness tastes so smooth in Dublin?

-No?

-Fun fact for you, they add milk.

-No, they don't!

-Yes, they do. Google it.

-All right. I will, fine.

-In fact, I bet you five euros.

-How do you get 3G? Oh, here we go.

Oh, what am I going to spend my winnings on? Oh, I know.

Lots of cans of British Guinness and some milk.

Ah-ha-ha-ha! "Water, hops, barley, yeast" and no milk.

Easiest money I've ever made!

400 quid data roaming charge?!

But I didn't even use 3G!

Oh, no!

That phone bill has completely wiped me out, just for googling whether

Guinness tastes better in Dublin.

-Well, it's the milk, isn't it?

-No, it is not the milk.

The money I spent going to Dublin, I could have been having cocktails in Moscow.

-Do you know how they make White Russians so smooth in Moscow?

-Is it the milk?

-No, technically it's fresh cream.

-Look, can we just move on?

-What do you want to do now?

-Well, something without you following me around.

-The only reason you came to the bank is because you can't be on your own.

-No, I came to do some banking.

-We're not with the same bank!

-It's a competitive market. You've got to shop around.

Landlord's here - hide your doobie stash!

-I don't have a doobie stash, Geoff.

-Course not, Mr Marley.

-I got your text. Why did you send out the Geoff signal?

-You know why!

Josh, you told me it would be OK to store a few things for a week or so, so I did.

Come on, look at it!

I don't want a grand piano in my living room, Geoff.

It looks like I'm subletting to Billy Joel.

And I can't eat a fry-up and watch "Flog It!" at the same time.

You know me, I like telly first thing in the morning. It helps me vibe into the day.

What do you want a telly for, when you've got a grand piano?

A lot of people would give their right arm for one of those.

I mean, the irony being you'd struggle to play anything, obviously.

-Scales, nursery rhymes...

-Geoff!

-Yeah, look, it's not permanent.

-Why is it here in the first place?

My brother bought it when he was out storage hunting and -

actually, actually, you'll like this - you can use this in one of your skits, right?

He bought it when he was out storage hunting, the thing is he hasn't got any storage!

So...

None at all.

See, I said I'd put it here. No, it's fine.

I've got it on eBay. I've got a 95% approval rating

and in a perfect world it would be a 100, but you know,

you sell one flammable armchair to a care home, all of a sudden you're the bad guy.

To be fair, though, it does give the place a certain air of, er, romance.

-It's like being in Pretty Woman.

-No prostitutes on the piano, Owen,

-or I'll have to dock your deposit!

-This is unacceptable.

-All right, maybe just the ones with a heart of gold.

-Not the prostitutes, Geoff. The piano.

-Get rid of the piano!

-Yeah, get rid of it, Geoff. We're done with the piano!

-Yeah.

All right, all right. Look, I appreciate you doing me this favour,

which is why I have gone to the trouble of getting you all a little something

to show how much I care.

-Aw...

-Aw...

-First of all, the lady of the house.

-Oooh?!

-Champagne and chocolates.

-ALL:

-O-o-o-h!

HE WHISTLES

Is this some sort of joke?

I'm not a Borrower.

No, they're for keeps.

I think I deserve a bit more than this, Geoff?

-Well, you got a grand piano.

-That's the bloody issue!

Well, let's see if boys are any more grateful.

For the boys, I have...

-a pair of free tickets for the darts tomorrow night.

-No way!

-You're joking!

-Oh, my God. Geoff, that is amazing.

-Incredible. How did you get hold of these?

Ask no questions, hear no lies.

-This is the best thing you've ever done!

-Oh, wow. Oh, my God!

-I can't wait! Ha-ha!

-You actually want to go to the darts?

-Yeah, it's amazing.

It's a fully sanctioned piss-up.

Last time I went, I got so hammered I spewed in one of those foam hands.

-Probably the best moment of my life!

-Oh, yeah. I saw a guy singing We Are The Champions

while having his stomach pumped. It's like a wonderland!

-Right, we'll start off - pint with breakfast...

-Yes!

-No, scrap that. Pint FOR breakfast

-Yes!

-Get straight down there - wallop.

-No, no, no, no!

I can't go. I can't afford it.

-Oh, no, no, no they're free. They're free.

-Yeah, it's fine.

-No, no, no.

I can't afford to drink. I can't go to the darts sober.

-Oh.

-Can't you just go and enjoy the darts for the darts?

Sorry, Kate. I don't understand the question.

Don't worry about it, mate. We'll sort it somehow.

-How much money have you got?

-About 30 quid.

-Well, can we split it.

-£15 each?

-We're going to the darts, not a carvery.

-What the hell am I going to do, then?

We could do what my friend from school, Chris Legs, used to do.

-You've got a friend called Chris Legs?

-Yeah.

-His real name's Chris Harris, but everyone calls him Chris Legs, cos his cousin's got nice legs.

-What?

-Imagine that, being defined by your cousin's legs.

-How is this helping?

-Chris Legs never buys a drink, but has been drunk since France '98.

-Really? How does he do it?

Well, he employs various methods.

-He eats a lot of chocolate liqueurs - they're surprisingly strong.

-Chocolate liqueurs?

-Yeah, he works out that 50 chocolate liqueurs is about half a pint of Carlsberg.

-Right?

The problem is, you eat 200 chocolate liqueurs and you're not that pissed,

-but you have got diabetes.

-Right, I'm going to pass on that one.

-He used to drink a lot of whiskey samples from supermarkets.

-Can you get away with that?

-Well, not really.

He got rumbled. Now he's banned from Nisa, Happy Shopper, Londis, Spar, every Tesco as far north as Stoke.

Last I heard, he had to join Ocado.

-I don't want to join Ocado.

-No.

-Minesweeping!

-What's minesweeping?

-It's where you go round pubs

and you down any unfinished drinks.

I want to get drunk. not Hepatitis B!

-What do homeless people do?

-Begging!

I'm not going to beg.

-Please, just give me 50 quid!

-I can't.

I can't trust you not to spend it on googling

why Um Bongo is so good in the Congo.

-Just want to go to the darts. I'll give it back.

-I've got it now. I've cut out the middle man.

If you don't give me 50 quid, I'm going to tell people about your 18th birthday.

You, me and a Pizza Hut buffet.

It's... Christmas birthdays are difficult to get people to come to.

-Your birthday's December the 2nd.

-Yeah. The start of the party season.

-Not for you, it isn't.

OK. Well, if you tell people that, I'll tell people about your 18th birthday.

You, on your own, with Chicken Run on DVD.

-OK, OK. But how am I going to get drunk at the darts, then?

-Can't you just get some cheap booze

-from the corner shop and smuggle it in.

-Oh, and how do you expect to do that?

Put a bottle of Becks in a condom and shove it up my arse?

I was thinking more pocket, but whatever floats your bloat.

That's ridiculous. I don't have the skills to sew a bottle into a teddy bear.

-I don't know. What if you put it into a flask and pretend it's tea?

-What is this?

Famous Five Go To The Darts?

Josh, you're in the presence of a genius.

I've solved your problems, mate.

Come with me to my cousin's wedding tomorrow.

Oh, I knew he'd ask you out eventually!

-Why would I want to come to your cousin's wedding?

-Take a seat, my friend.

Now, I've heard it said that darts without beer money is the impossible dream.

Well, they said that about me getting a B in my GCSE Media Studies and did I manage that?

Why don't you take it up with the guys and gals at UCAS?!

I've also heard it said that weddings are about love and romance.

No, they're about a free bar that can get us hammered

in preparation for the darts.

-Oh, my God. Owen, that's a brilliant idea!

-Yes!

It's a fully sanctioned piss-up, but in the eyes of God.

And everything's free. Free drinking, free eating, free parking.

-But he doesn't have a car.

-Well, he should get one.

-Cos I know somewhere he can park it for free between 12 and eight tomorrow.

-You are a genius!

Ha-ha-ha. I know!

Oh, here he is.

Wow. So you got that work experience placement, then? Congrats.

-It's a nice suit!

-Yes, it is.

And, er, if you shift enough rental properties in the next few weeks,

-they might make your position permanent.

-Yes, very good.

To be fair, mate, that suit is a little roomy.

It's all right for off-the-peg.

Yeah, but where was the peg from - Jacamo?

How am I the problem? He's in his pants.

Well, at least his skin fits him properly.

Yeah. Tailored by God. And they used a little bit too much material in certain places,

-if you, er, know what I mean?

-Talking about your massive arse -

-was your mum a baboon?

-What? It's not that bad, is it?

-You're the Welsh J-Lo.

-Oh, thanks.

-Sure you don't want me to sort you another plus-one for this wedding?

-No. I'm having a new phone

-delivered. I'm just going to stay in and chill out on my own.

-Chill out on your own?! You?!

-Without a phone, you're going to go insane!

-Yeah. A bit like when you lock a Jack Russell in a car

-and you come back and all the seats have been torn to shreds!

-Er, no.

-I've been going out too much recently. So, I just need to stay in and have some me time.

-BOTH:

-Ohhh.

-Oh, me time.

-OK, yeah. I get you, I get you.

-No, not that kind of me time.

-Me time.

Oh, cos when you guys go out, I can't stop myself.

-Oh, my God, Owen!

-What are you going to do instead, then?

-I've got it all planned out. I've Sky-plussed some

documentaries I want to get through...

-Don't Tell The Bride is not a documentary!

-I'm not going to waste my day watching

-Don't Tell The Bride.

-She'll be re-watching Ratatouille!

-Re-re-re-watching Ratatouille.

-Re-re-re-watching.

-Re-re-re-re-watching.

-I'm a little bit more highbrow, actually!

-Oh, are you?

-I'm going to start working my way through the classics. The Great Gatsby

-has whet my appetite.

-Oh, got any further with The Great Gatsby?

I always say, until you've finished a book, you may as well just be at the beginning.

-So, that's a no?

-I've started it.

-Oh right, right, right. Whatever.

-I am a reader.

-Oh, yes. It's like when you said you'd read Pride and Prejudice.

Then you said your favourite character was Colin Firth!

-Yeah. That's because that's exactly how I pictured him.

-Oh, right. Yeah.

-It's a coincidence.

-And may I say - excellent casting!

-Well, we look forward to grilling you on Gatsby on our return,

-don't we, Owen?

-Oh, yes.

-Yeah. That's fine.

I'm having a high-culture day, guys. Once I finish The Great Gatsby,

I may have a tinkle on the old ivories.

-You're going to piss on the piano?

-Classic Jack Russell.

-JOSH LAUGHS

-No, don't gang up on me just cos I'm comfortable in my own skin.

The Andersons don't need company. We've got it all going on up here.

-Oh, are the voices back?

-No.

The only company I need is a bottle of rose and Mr Gatsby.

Hang on. Are you actually reading the novel, or have you got a new fancy man coming round?

Oh, yes! Oh, what's his name? When does he get here?

There's no fancy man, guys. Just a seminal novel and The Best of Morcheeba.

Oh, yeah. Cos it won't be 1998 for ever.

-Right. So, the plan is, we get to the wedding and we get drinking - hard.

-Agreed.

-Oh, how about some drinking games? Have you played fisherman's friend?

-No.

-Oh, it's amazing.

-You just drink every time you smell mint.

-How is that a game? That's not going to get us drunk!

Er, yes, it is! I played it at the Eden Project once.

I got so hammered, I threw up onto a Venus Flytrap.

-Poor thing didn't know what to do.

-Here's the plan - we drink, we get drunk, we go to the darts. That's it.

Suit yourself.

Do you know my great-great-granddad was banned from playing darts,

cos he had such long arms he could reach the board from the oche?

-Bullshit.

-Er, no. He had a growth abnormality.

Only five foot tall, but he could screw in a light bulb without a stepladder.

-I knew you were related to baboons!

-Yeah? Well, I look like a baboon and you look like a pub dog.

I do not look like a pub dog.

You look like a pub dog that drinks beer out of an ashtray.

-I don't...they don't even have ashtrays anymore!

-They have them for pub dogs!

God, I love a wedding. Oh, did I tell you about the time I went to a wedding as the date of Macy Gray?

How do you know Macy Gray?

I was working in Clarks. She came in, she needed heels for a wedding.

I gave her the wrong size. She tried to walk away, but she stumbled. I pointed that out,

-we had a bit of a laugh about it and she gave me her plus-one.

-That didn't happen.

Mate, she sung I Try at the reception. She was absolutely hammered.

No-one asked her to. Ruined the speeches.

Oh, my God.

You might have actually brought us to a good party!

-We are definitely going to pull.

-Do you reckon?

I am definitely going to pull.

Please, don't pull if I don't, mate. You're the only person I know here.

Oh, you know me, my motto...

"Darts before dick".

Since when is that your motto?

Look at the girl's flowery black dress. She's absolutely beautiful.

Haven't seen a fur coat like that since The House Of Eliot.

God, I hope we're not related.

I would love to marry the hell out of her.

Stop looking in such an obvious way, you weirdo!

That is a lot worse!

Look at the ratio of women to men. I absolutely love it here.

It's like a women's prison.

I'd hate to see your search history.

Ladies and gentlemen, the service is about to begin.

Will the friends and family of Gibbs and Watson please head to the door on my left?

-Here we go, let's try and sit with the fur coat.

-No, no, that's not us.

-What?

Where are they all going?

-Owen!

-Phil!

-Ha-ha-ha! Congratulations!

-Again!

Ah! Good to see you.

Who's this? Didn't tell me you were bringing a date!

-I'm Owen's flatmate - Josh.

-Bit smart, aren't you?

What are you doing, off to meet the Queen?

-This is what you wear to a wedding.

-Not one of mine, mate.

Not the usual stuffy affairs. Owen bloody knows that. How many have you been to now?

-All four.

-I should start doing loyalty cards!

OWEN LAUGHS

Come on. Let's get this hound hitched.

TINNY POP MUSIC PLAYS

-It can't be just us, can it?

-I think it is, mate.

Still, better turnout than last time. Eh? Thanks to you.

-It was just you?!

-Yes.

Yeah - my family refuse to come every time.

I don't know what their problem is with the guy.

Do you reckon it's the dancing?

Say "Cheese", guys.

Sausages!

-There we go.

-Oh, that's a keeper.

Oh, I like it. Do you want to go halves on a mouse mat?

-So, who you with?

-Er, we're with the groom.

I think you're sitting on the wrong side.

Do you think it matters?

Owen, we've got to go. This is the worst decision I've ever made.

What about when you tried to bring back boot-cut jeans?

Listen, we can't go now, can we? Phil will definitely notice.

Do you reckon? No, I can't do this. I prefer to go to the darts sober.

-What?

-Just tell Phil I've got dysentery.

WEDDING MARCH PLAYS

MUSIC: The Sea by Morcheeba

-Wow!

-Oh, my God!

-He knows you far too well!

Loving this, fantastic! Lovely!

I can't believe they asked me to be a witness.

Under "Relationship to couple" I had to write "Not applicable".

Right, now can we have a photo of just the boys?

Oi, oi! The old gang back together!

Make sure you get my best side!

THEY LAUGH

-Right. Big smiles.

-Shame you boys couldn't join me on the stag!

-There was a stag?

-Well, there would have been if I'd known you two were available.

-I just went paintballing on my own, joined an office day out.

-Oh, quality.

Shot a woman from HR in the tit.

-Oh, that's kind of inevitable.

-Sounds great(!)

Anyway, it's been a pleasure meeting both of you but, umm, we don't want to outstay our welcome,

-so we're going to head off, aren't we?

-Yeah.

-You going?

-We're going to shoot, yeah.

-Yeah.

-Oh, you really can't stay?

-Unfortunately not, no. We, we can't.

It's just that days this special deserve to be shared and engraved on all our hearts

-and it would mean the world to us if you could help share our special day.

-Yeah.

As she was saying, come to the reception, or it'll be shit.

We'd love to, but we've left a Jack Russell in the house.

-There's plenty of food?

-Yeah, we're scared it's going to do a slash on the piano, so...

Say you'll stay, Owen. I haven't had a chance to get to know you.

-We can stay for a minute, can't we?

-What? Owen? No! Oh...

-Oh, great, that is brilliant.

-Thank you so much!

Just to check, though, is it a free bar?

HE LAUGHS

No, no, but is it?

-'The heart of Steve's romantic plan is...'

-No, don't!

-'..to marry Kate on the very rollercoaster...'

-Don't arrange your wedding at Thorpe Park, you idiot!

-'Or, maybe it's...'

What? No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

-SHE CLICKS SWITCH REPEATEDLY

-Oh, no!

MUSIC: Celebration By Kool & The Gang

-You all right, mate?

-Oh, yeah. So, how did you two meet?

-We're related.

-What?

HE LAUGHS

Of course not, mate. I'm not making that mistake - again!

Not another one. God.

-Saw this programme the other night about this bloke who married a goat.

-Wait, there. I've actually got to

-speak to Owen about something. Owen. Mate?

-It'd probably be

-skinny dipping, I think.

-Really?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Owen!

Yeah, I've actually got, umm, a scar on my chest from where I'd grazed it on some coral.

Very brave. I mean, that's quite dangerous.

-Anyone try and suck out the venom?

-Not yet.

-Owen! Owen!

-What?!

-Can you just talk to me? What happened to "Darts before dick"?

-Sorry, my bad, my bad.

-Remember why we're here.

-Yeah, yeah. What do you want to talk about?

-Just - I don't want to be stuck talking to this weird guy about his goat show.

-Yeah. Yeah.

-I mean, it's not what I came here for.

-Why don't you have a drink? Cos that's what we're here for.

-The last time I went skinny dipping, when I got back to shore someone had stolen my clothes.

-Owen?

-Oh, no way! Did I tell you I'd been to Australia?

-Owen!

THEY CHUCKLE

-We're not really cousins, mate.

-Oh, that's a relief. That's good.

-I'd never marry my own cousin.

-That's good.

Unless she had massive knockers!

THEY LAUGH

-But seriously, we really are very much in love.

-Ah, that's lovely!

He's earning his money today, isn't he?

(I'm not paying him...)

I've just been sick in my mouth.

Swallowed it again.

Because I love her.

You're a gentleman. I'm just going to speak to Owen. Owen?

-Look how sun kissed you are. It's amazing. Is it the same all over?

-What do you think?

-You see, if I was your suntan, I'd be all over you!

-Oh, come on!

-Sorry. What about you, Josh? Are you a closet skinny dipper?

-Well, actually...

-What, this guy?

-He's so body shy he wears a onesie in the bath.

-More Lambrini?

Have you got anything else?

I think I've got something in here. Not sure what it is, though.

-Probably just backwash.

-I'll take the Lambrini.

The power's gone off and now nothing works. Geoff, you're the landlord,

it's your responsibility to sort these things out.

Why? Where are you?

What is it with you and storage auctions?

No, I don't want a tuxedo.

And I want a history of storage auctions even less.

Look, I'm stuck in the house waiting for my phone to be delivered.

What am I supposed to do?

Yeah. Yes, I'll wait.

Yeah, of course I can entertain myself, that's not a problem!

Champagne is overrated, mate, that's why people spray it everywhere.

You don't see Formula 1 drivers wasting Carling, because it's bloody lovely.

Tell you what else bothers me. What is this obsession with hot food?

-All comes out at the same temperature!

-Hey, Joshy - umm, do you smoke?

-No, no, I don't.

-So, you don't want a cigarette?

-What is this, Grange Hill?

-Absolutely certain of that?

-I'm not just going to come out and watch you two talk about your piercings, am I?

-OK, suit yourself.

So, what were we talking about? Oh, yeah. Poos!

HE LAUGHS

-Sorry, my mates are sat there.

-Haven't they left?

-They've just gone for a smoke.

-When?

-About half an hour ago.

-What do they smoke? Shisha?

Oh, God! Oh, they've gone, haven't they?

Oh, I've... I've just got to make a phone call.

Where the hell are you?

I tried to get you to come. You are aware that "Do you want a cigarette?" was a code?

Going for a cigarette never has been and never will be code.

Yes, it is! It's a code like in a war it's a code.

We're at a wedding, not Bletchley Park.

Look, we've been using the same code since we were 14.

We met at uni.

Yes. Sorry, I forgot that.

You are a massive bellend. And that is not a code.

Well, I presumed you were enjoying it and that you warmed into it.

Warmed into it? I don't know the bride and groom. I feel like a voyeur.

'100...'

-What was that, where are you?

-Nowhere.

-Nowhere? Are you at the darts?

-Well, of course not. Without you?

-I can't believe you've gone to the darts on your own!

-No. No, me neither.

Yeah, there he is.

Is that the bridesmaid? Oh, I am done with this sham.

I am going now. Phil, Briony, I'm afraid I'm...

Right, time for the speeches.

Briony...

top bird! Dealt with.

-That's me done! Josh, seeing as you're on your feet...

-That's good, cos I need to go.

-..maybe you want to say a few words?

-What?

-Please, for me?

-You're not serious?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-No, no. I-I can't.

-Go on, do it properly.

-No, I can't.

-Come on, Joshy!

-Go on!

What is there to say...

..about Phil and Briony?

(Owen says he's a comedian, this should be a corker!)

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. N-o-o-o-o!

# A dream of you and me together

# Say you believe it Say you believe it

# Free your mind of doubt and danger Be for real, don't be a stranger

# We can achieve it We can achieve it... #

-Mate!

-Josh!

-No, no, I'm not really...

-Come on!

-Come on, Josh.

-I've got to head off.

-Come on, it's a wedding. Come on, Joshy. Come and dance!

-Come on, Joshy. Come and dance!

Come on, Joshy! Come on.

# I need some love like I never needed love before

# Wanna make love to ya, baby

# I had a little love now I'm back for more

# I wanna make love to ya, baby

# Set your spirit free It's the only way to be... #

-CHILDLIKE PIANO PLAYING

-# Jelly on a plate... #

No.

# Jelly on a plate... #

-SHE TUTS

-# Jel-ly on a plate... #

DISCORDANT NOTES

DOORBELL RINGS

Coming! I'm coming! Coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, coming...

-So! Here we are. Can see...

-Ah! Company! At last!

Good to see you too, Kate. What an auction that was!

-This could have been yours! All this.

-Wow.

So, are you going to sort the electric?

Well, presumably you have tried our friend the trip switch?

-Nope.

-Classic schoolgirl error. Allow me to educate you.

One cupboard - we open the cupboard. One torch, turn the torch on.

This is a fuse box, we open that. There's the switch and...

-Right. Well, I'm out of ideas.

-You're out of ideas?

-Yeah. Absolutely nothing.

-What?

-I'll send someone round tomorrow. All right? I'll leave you in peace for now.

-No, no! No, no, no! No!

-No, no, no! Stay for a drink!

-I've got to go, actually.

It's the weekend. Stay for a drink with me.

-We haven't had a catch up in ages!

-I suppose not. I need to, er, just...

-OK. Look, wait here, wait here!

-It's just that I promised my friend, my neighbour Malcolm...

Oh-oh! Look. Oh-oh, I've opened that, now! Hmm!

No, I wouldn't do that.

-Can't drink that all by myself. It would be irresponsible for you to leave.

-I've really got to go, Kate.

Oh, you never did tell me about the history of storage auctions, did you?

Well, it's-it's funny you should say that, cos we always say that the

original storage auction was the, er, raid on Tutankhamun's tomb.

Wow! Yeah...

MUSIC: Feel So Close by Calvin Harris

It's been a pleasure to get to know you today.

That is a lovely thing to say.

No, what I mean is, I've got to go.

Do you know, I feel like I've known you for bloody ages?

Do you know what I see in your eyes?

I see Tiger Tiger! Did someone say after party?

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

-It's time for the bouquet!

-No, I've got to go!

No, no, no, no. Just stand right there. Stand right there.

And so we hope that by passing on this floral baton,

you will be blessed as we have been.

Because life is a precious thing...

Just lob it!

LET'S PLAY DARTS!

You're nicked.

Well, at that time, I was playing the old Joanna in all the wine bars round Southend.

Until one night, in the Chateau de la Grape,

I stretched for an octave and dislocated my thumb.

I haven't played publically since.

They say my screams shattered a jeroboam.

Oh, listen to me. I'm getting all...all maudlin.

I should, er, leave you in peace. Thank you for the wine.

No, no, no! Don't go, don't go. It's Saturday night!

-Live a little!

-No, really, I've had three glasses.

I think this old hound is getting a bit tiddled.

-I should toddle off.

-Please. Please, don't go, Geoff.

Look, I've been in on my own all day and I can't leave until my bloody phone gets here.

-It's driving me insane.

-Well, a day isn't that long on your own.

Yes, it is! It's an eternity. Look, I don't deserve this.

-I didn't shank a guard.

-I seem to remember a certain person telling me

they found it easy to entertain themselves.

No-one can entertain themselves. It's impossible.

-It's like tickling yourself.

-Oh, I can tickle myself.

Yeah, but it's not working, is it, Geoff?

Yeah, that's cos I'm not ticklish, Kate. I always react like that.

Look, just-just have one more glass. Just one more.

No, really, umm, I'm edging towards sozzled.

Well, OK. You need some food to soak it up!

Let's order a takeaway!

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Thank you, Lord.

Oh, my God. This is amazing. You don't understand how amazing this is.

I could... I could kiss you. I'm not going to kiss you.

There you go. OK. Thank you! Thanks, bye!

Oh, my God. Thank you. Please be a phone, please be phone, please be a phone, please be a phone.

Oh, my God. Yes.

SHE SIGHS

Geoff? I think I'm going to head out now. So, if you want to go, that's absolutely...

Yeah, and don't forget the free prawn crackers, yeah?

Right, see you in 50 minutes. Excellent!

All done. £40 worth of Chinese food on its way.

I think I am going to have that extra glass of wine. Come on, join me.

HE CHUCKLES

-I cannot believe you took me to a sham wedding.

-That must be the issue my mum had with him.

-The whole marriage for passports thing.

-I can see how that would trouble her, yeah.

-She'll not be very pleased when she finds out you were in on it.

-I wasn't in on it.

Well, you signed the witness thing. The photographer cop bloke heard you call it a sham,

then you were found running from the scene. You seem pretty guilty to me. It's lucky you weren't tasered

-up the a-hole.

-What?

-Oh, my God! You were tasered up the a-hole?

Stop saying "Tasered up the a-hole".

Oh, that passport thing is probably why the bridesmaid was so into me.

I mean, I thought she seemed pretty keen. She asked me to marry her.

We only had sex twice.

Well, three times, actually.

-Is this why you took two hours to come and get me?!

-No! Of course not!

Adrian "Jackpot" Lewis was struggling to close out a five setter.

I mean, you should be annoyed at him. How hard can it be to hit double 16?

-State of modern life, living in a city.

-They didn't taser me.

And if they had, why would they have aimed for there?

Well, because it's where they're trained to aim for.

-You know, no matter how ruthless a criminal you are...

-That's not true!

-..if you're incapacitated

in the a-hole then there's nothing...

GEOFF PLAYS ROMANTIC PIANO MUSIC

I knew she had a fancy man!

-Hello, boys!

-Oh, my God!

No. No, it's not what it looks like.

We'll leave you two to it.

MUSIC: I Try by Macy Gray

Here we go.

-Milk, sir?

-Oh, just a dash.

This proves nothing.