Teabag and No Sympathy Josh


Teabag and No Sympathy

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Transcript


LineFromTo

OK, for two points. Sigourney Weaver's uncle was a 1930s radio DJ.

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-But WHAT was his name?

-Buzz! Doodles Weaver!

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-Oh, my God! You, my friend, are through to the gold run!

-Yes!

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-PHONE RINGS

-Oh, phone a friend!

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Where did you find him?

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The most annoying set of twins since the girls off Fun House.

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We're not twins! We don't even look alike. Ow!

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-Do you reckon Mike felt that?

-No!

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Do you think when you have sex, Mike feels it as well?

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-I guess we'll never know.

-Oh...

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Wikipedia personal life, Gillian Anderson is divorced!

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Sorry I doubted you, you're well in. Is her phone number on Wikipedia?

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You can just give her a ring now, ring Gillian Anderson.

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No, no, I'm biding my time. Slowly, slowly, catchy Scully.

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-And the condiments are balanced, he's done it!

-Oh, very good, very good.

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Martha! Hello, my sweetheart.

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I'll go and get us a couple of sparkling waters.

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-Martha.

-Josh.

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You're drinking two pints?

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I couldn't decide which I preferred, so I went for both.

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So, still at the homeless charity?

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Yes, of COURSE! People need help, Josh.

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Do you know how hard it is to sleep rough?

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I once had a futon.

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Sorry, you think homelessness is a laughing matter?

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No, I realise it must be a very tough job, I do.

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Well, I guess it depends if you think helping people is tough.

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I tend to think it's pretty rewarding.

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Seems like you've earned yourself a proper drink.

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Today I worked with a 35-year-old man,

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whose problems with drink got so bad, he lost his foot to gout.

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Just an orange juice?

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Never drink fruit juice from concentrate.

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As always, Martha completely ruined the evening.

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She refused to get me a vodka because of what the Russians did to Alexander Litvinenko.

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Well, you can drink what you want this weekend, mate.

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Teabag's on his way. The party's about to start.

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Last time he was here he got so drunk, he pissed in a Dyson Airblade.

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I know, my hands were in the Airblade. That's why I went home early.

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-He once drank so much Strongbow, he stole a horse.

-A horse?

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-I mean, that is why I won't be coming out with you!

-Anyway, got to go!

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Oh-oh! Shandy Andy alert! I'm exactly like you, Josh. I'm a lightweight.

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I genuinely think it's time pubs started selling quarter pints.

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Yeah, we're like peas in a pod, you and me.

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We're not like peas in a pod, Geoff.

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Peas in a pub, more like! Till about half past nine.

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I don't want to ruin the next day.

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Geoff, are you done with the boiler? I need to talk to you about my room.

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Yes! One pilot light ignited. Geoff, one, hypothermia, nil.

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Oh. One-all.

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Geoff? Geoff, please?

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OK, OK. Oh, bloody hell, her indoors, eh?

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Geoff, we're not married.

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Oh, is that what that means?

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I always thought it was because you were inside and quite annoying.

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Seriously, Geoff, you need to redecorate my room.

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-Well, what's the problem with it?

-Um...

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THAT brick wallpaper thing.

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It's been like this since you moved in. Why do you care all of a sudden?

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Because I'm bringing someone special back.

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-Yeah, but you bring loads of blokes back!

-Yes, I know, but...

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Er, I do not bring loads...

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Anyway, this one's an interior designer, so...

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-Well, I'm not paying for an interior designer.

-No, I'm seeing one.

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Oh, fantastic. He can paint it for you after you... you're done, you know...

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It would be like that was my fee!

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Oh, well, at least £300 worth of work is a compliment

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if anything, Kate.

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Can we please not discuss my rate as a prostitute?

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Well, you could redecorate it. Let your imagination run wild.

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I can always cover it up afterwards, it's what I did for the last tenant, yeah? Express yourself!

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I am. By not lending a hand.

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Oh, all right, trouble and strife.

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I'm not your wife.

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-Is that what that means?

-Yes!

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God, I'm so excited about tonight.

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At the shops today, all I could think about today was Teabag.

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Do you think you're in love?

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No, no, no, no. This is far more intense.

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My boss's son brought his guitar into work today,

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he bashed out a note-perfect rendition of This Charming Man.

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-He's only six.

-Wow!

-Yeah.

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Yeah, I found myself saying to him, I said, "Listen son,

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"that's impressive, but it's not as impressive

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-"as the time my friend Teabag drove a Segway into a lake."

-What?

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Yeah! Yeah, Tomorrow's World made the mistake of filming in Carmarthen.

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We were only 12.

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To be fair to Teabag though, he was absolutely hammered.

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-Oh, it's important to be fair.

-Oh, that reminds me.

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Teabag likes me to be up and running by the time he arrives.

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Apparently, if I'm sober, I'm overly concerned about being arrested.

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Well...

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Teabag always says, if you spend your life worrying

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about the law, you're never going to get your knob out in Lidl.

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-That's the gravestone sorted.

-Yeah, well, it was kind of exhilarating.

-Oh, you didn't?

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Oh, God!

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-A little tip...

-Yeah, I've heard!

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No, little tip for you.

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Lidl's CCTV only focuses on the more expensive items.

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As long as you steer clear of the Lambrini, you can do what you want in there.

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-Teabag went down on a cheap ham hock for over five minutes, it was amazing.

-Oh, dear God.

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To be fair to him though, he was absolutely hammered.

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Oh, and Teabag counts cider as one of his five a day.

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He says courgettes are fine, but they'll never get him hammered. God, I can't wait...

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-DOORBELL GOES

-Oh, it's Teabag!

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-If I hear hooves, I am leaving.

-Yeah, just be grateful we don't have a hand-dryer.

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-Hey!

-Welcome to the pleasure dome!

-Ah, come here. Where are they?

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Hello, London! Teabag is here!

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Oi-oi! This is Teabag. You remember Josh, and this is Kate.

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M'lady. M'lady. Ha-ha!

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Beautiful woman and with a lager on the go, you're already on my legends list.

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-I've got a lager as well.

-Yeah. Drinking it pretty slowly, yeah?

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Hoping it'll evaporate, are you, eh?

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Only joking!

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Right, enough talk, Owen, get 'em out the fridge!

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Er, one, two, three, four lagers.

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And what does everyone else want to drink, eh?

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-I'm joking, I'm joking, yeah? But seriously, I'll have two cans, yeah?

-No problem!

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So, er, "Teabag". That's an interesting name. Where does that come from?

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Fall asleep near me and you'll find out.

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No overnight bag?

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Overnight bag? I'm not an air stewardess!

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I've got all I need in my pockets, boy. A toothbrush and eight condoms.

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I've got to pay for my board somehow, haven't I, eh?

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So, did anyone see Virgins Say No last night?

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-Yeah, I did.

-Yeah.

-No?

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Ah-ha-ha! Virgin!

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I can see his hymen!

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Oh, this is fun, isn't it?

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-Yeah, you gonna join us tonight then, are you, Virgin?

-Oh, maybe next time.

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Oh, good boy, good boy. I'll hold you to that.

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-Yeah.

-Now you're only about 50% virgin.

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-How is that even possible?

-Fingering?

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TEXT ALERT

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Oh, my God, amazing news! Mike and Martha have split up!

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-Oh, that's a shame.

-No, it's not. You hate her.

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Remember when you gave her 20 quid to get a round in?

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-She got tap water and gave the money to a soup kitchen.

-Oh, yeah.

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There much fanny at this soup kitchen?

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Er...fanny?

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My second favourite part of the female body, after the brain.

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Only joking. I absolutely love fannies, I do.

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I'm gonna go and meet Mike for a drink.

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-Oh, my God, it's gonna be amazing! We've got so much to talk about!

-No, wait, wait!

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Just, just let him do the talking, yeah?

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Remember when you and Natasha split up and I told her that it was weird that she was with you anyway

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-because she was so much taller than you in heels? And then you got back together?

-Yes!

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Well, that was awkward for everyone, wasn't it?

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Yeah, it was. Also, it wasn't that weird. I just bought her flats.

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She was still taller than you.

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You should have just bought yourself some heels.

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Oh, yeah, THAT would have solved the weirdness, wouldn't it?

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-Either way, just keep your mouth shut.

-Yes, OK, OK.

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-See you later, Virgin!

-I'm not a virgin!

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-Once a virgin, always a virgin.

-What does that even mean?!

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-God, I loved her.

-We all did, mate. We all did.

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Gotta be honest though, she could be a bit...difficult at times.

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I really hadn't noticed.

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But you never know, maybe you'll get back together.

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No. She deleted my number. And recycled all our photographs.

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She could be a little bit... overbearing, don't you think?

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Oh, it's not for me to say, mate.

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-I wasn't going mad though, she could be, couldn't she?

-No, I don't want to talk out of turn.

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-You're my best mate. I value your opinion.

-She could be a little on the militant side.

-Yes!

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What about the time she made me sleep outside for a week,

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-just so I'd know what it was like to be homeless!

-Oh, God, yeah.

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I had to survive on change she gave me on the way to work.

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Didn't she get you moved on by the council?

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They confiscated my sleeping bag. She was so bloody worthy!

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Oh, isn't she, God!?

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Did I tell you about the time we passed Toby Anstis

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-taking a dump, mid fun run?

-No...?

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-She wouldn't let me take a photograph.

-What?

-Cos he was doing it for charity.

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-What, the dump?

-What was I thinking?

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Oh, and what about her furry fingers?

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What about her furry fingers! Like holding hands with an ewok.

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Oh, unbelievable!

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Oh, it's so good to hear this!

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-Katie.

-Joshua.

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Oh, ha-ha-ha, here they bloody are, the boys. How was your night out?

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Well, I'm down to four condoms and that toothbrush won't be able to look me in the eyes again.

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Oh, it was legendary. I got my head stuck in the railings outside Oceana.

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-Absolutely quality!

-I was fine though.

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-I just drank through a straw until the firemen arrived.

-Yeah, reluctantly!

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I still did it though. How was your night out with Mike?

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Oh, amazing! Should have heard the things he was saying.

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He hates her! She was controlling, she was jealous.

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She once slapped him because he thanked a female bus driver!

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I once thanked a female bus driver, if you know what I mean!

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I said to her, "You're used to handling something big

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"and red, so wrap your hands around this!"

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-I was talking about my cock!

-I know, I got it, yeah.

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Oh, it's so good to have Mike back. We've booked a lads' weekend in Bruges.

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Flying Virgin, are you?

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-Won't be a lads' weekend if it's you and Mike, it's just a weekend.

-We can be laddy!

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Last night we were discussing our problems between the sheets.

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-What, about whether he should splash out on some Egyptian cotton?

-I've splashed out on some!

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No, no, no, no, no! Josh!

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Rule one of the post-break-up chat, don't say what you actually think.

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I mean, what did he say about her?

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-Nothing.

-Josh?

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Just that she could be a little difficult.

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-SHE SIGHS

-What else?

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Josh, what else?

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I might have said that she had furry fingers.

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-No!

-Ha! Furry fingers!

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-Yeah, I said it must have been like holding hands with a mitten.

-Ha! Legend!

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You are aware you're about to lose Mike?

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Your only friend outside this flat?

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I've got loads of friends outside this flat! See? Ha!

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-PHONE RINGS

-Who's that?

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-Well, it just happens that this time it's Mike.

-What are the chances(?)

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Hello, mate.

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Yep.

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Yep.

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No, absolutely. I'll see you then.

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Cheers, man, bye.

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-They got back together.

-They're engaged.

-Yeah.

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It was hard work, but I think you'll agree it was worth it.

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Presenting to you, your new love nest!

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Ta-dah!

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-What the hell is this?

-It's your dream boudoir!

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Why have you done this to me?

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Why on earth would you think this was the style I wanted to keep?

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You didn't want to lose your feature wall.

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I think it's what gives the room urban edge.

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Urban edge? I'm not Biggie Smalls.

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-Um, sorry, I don't know what that is.

-He was a rapper.

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Oh. What, like, like...like the Sugary Gang?

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It's the Sugar Hill Gang, Geoff. Look, why did you...

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Who are the Sugary Gang, then?

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I don't know! Baddies from a dental advert?

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Look, can you just please sort this disaster?

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-I think it looks cool.

-It looks like solitary confinement.

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What are you going to do, get rid of the bed and give me a ball to bounce against the wall?

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No ball games in the flat, you know that!

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Look, Geoff, can you just get this wallpaper stripped off, please. It's not me.

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And for a designer, it's lights out.

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And not in a sexy, "Let's get down to it with an air of mystery" kind of way.

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I want it off my wall by tomorrow.

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I think I know what a designer would like and wouldn't.

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-You're aware of my design background?

-What design background?

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-I studied art for seven years.

-What? Where?

-At St Luke's in Southend.

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Although I dropped it when I moved up to secondary school.

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That's not design background, that's childhood.

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I'm a dab hand at making writing paper look older than it actually is. You take some tea...

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That does not make you a designer, Geoff!

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OK. If you're not going to let it go, I'll tell you what.

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We'll get some spray cans, put some graffiti up.

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It'll look like you live in New York.

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-What are you talking about?

-My nephew Kevin,

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he's got a wall like this in his bedroom, right?

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I'm quite an artist with a spray can.

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I did a massive great Lion Bar logo on his wall, it looked fantastic.

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I don't want a Lion Bar logo on my wall, Geoff.

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I can do Monster Munch, or Quorn, if you're on a health kick.

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-No!

-Well, how about "Geoff was here"?

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That would look like we spent the night together!

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Sorry, Kate, I have a rule about not sleeping with tenants.

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I wasn't saying we were going...

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Although if I did, this is exactly the kind of room I'd love to do it in.

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Here's one for you. For two points,

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what did Topanga do for a living when she left Boy Meets World?

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Yeah, er, Josh, you're going to need to apologise to Martha

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-for what you said.

-How does she know what I said?

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-I told her.

-Why?

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You've got to be transparent in relationships.

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To be honest, we were both a little bit upset by your criticisms.

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-You had the same issues! Yeah, but

-I was on the back of a break-up,

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I didn't know what I was saying. You don't have that excuse.

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-Why are you being like this?

-I'm not being like anything.

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Look, we just feel like you can be a little bit of a bad influence.

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A bad influence? I'm not picking you up on a Harley Davidson.

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Look, just meet up with her for a drink,

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-then you can apologise in person.

-In person?

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This isn't Frost/Nixon. I mean, look, can't I just text her?

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-Is she on WhatsApp?

-Look, just suck it up and be a mate.

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No, I have nothing to apologise for.

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Look, if you don't apologise, Martha won't let us hang out.

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Hang out?! We're not ten! I mean, what else is she going to do?

0:13:250:13:28

Limit our time on the N64?

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No, I'm sorry, she shouldn't be making you choose.

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-Come on, I'm your best friend.

-No.

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I'm not going to be forced into doing something I don't want to do.

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I mean, if you can't respect that then, fine. I've got other friends.

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Like Teabag.

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Jesus wept, there's two of them. What is this?

0:13:410:13:44

-Virgins Anonymous?

-Haha! Good one!

0:13:440:13:46

Hey, can I hang in here?

0:13:510:13:53

Geoff is still decorating my room.

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He's been going through his top ten skirting boards.

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He sings the Top Of The Pops jingle in between each one.

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Oh, I've had that conversation with him.

0:14:000:14:02

I seem to remember birch was a non-mover.

0:14:020:14:03

Yeah. So what are you doing?

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Just choosing a shirt for going out tonight.

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What? You dress up to go to the pub with Mike?

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Just to make sure you're doubly co-ordinated?

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-I'm not going to the pub with Mike.

-Oh, you're going on your own?

0:14:110:14:13

No, I'm going with Owen and Teabag.

0:14:130:14:15

You're going to the pub with Teabag?

0:14:150:14:17

Er, should I notify your relatives now?

0:14:170:14:19

I think Mike is a bit more your pace.

0:14:190:14:21

Me and Mike aren't speaking any more.

0:14:210:14:23

Oh, bless.

0:14:230:14:24

Um, for two points, which virgin with no friends is going

0:14:240:14:27

to get alcohol poisoning dressed as his grandmother's armchair?

0:14:270:14:30

Well, if you're so concerned about me,

0:14:300:14:32

why don't you come and join us for a drink?

0:14:320:14:33

I can't. I'm seeing my interior designer tonight.

0:14:330:14:36

I think I might really like him.

0:14:360:14:37

Oh, really? And how did you meet this one?

0:14:370:14:39

Er, I met him in the Tate Modern gift shop.

0:14:390:14:41

And what were you doing in the Tate Modern?

0:14:410:14:43

-Er, just taking in some art.

-Oh, yeah, which exhibition?

0:14:430:14:45

OK, I just went to use the toilet. but he doesn't know that.

0:14:450:14:47

I bought a book to impress him.

0:14:470:14:49

Which book did you buy?

0:14:490:14:50

Top 30 Art Postcards.

0:14:500:14:52

Oh, I bet he is going to be putty in your hands!

0:14:520:14:54

I bet you told him you like design as well, didn't you?

0:14:540:14:56

-Possibly.

-Of course you did!

0:14:560:14:58

-What do you mean by that?

-Well, it's like when you dated

0:14:580:15:00

that surfer at uni for two months.

0:15:000:15:01

All you did was wear No Fear clothing.

0:15:010:15:03

Er, not true! My beanie was from Fat Willy's.

0:15:030:15:05

So if you like this interior designer so much, why haven't you brought him back?

0:15:050:15:09

Be honest - are you banging Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen?

0:15:090:15:11

Why? Do you want to give him his shirt back?

0:15:110:15:13

No, I'm not banging Bowen.

0:15:130:15:15

I'm going to bang an incredibly hot guy with incredible taste.

0:15:150:15:18

You know my rules on sleeping with tenants, Kate.

0:15:180:15:20

Before I forget, you didn't hear what my number one was.

0:15:200:15:23

HE HUMS PICK OF THE POPS THEME

0:15:230:15:28

Dual purpose pine. Nice.

0:15:280:15:30

I mean I've been caught having sex on CCTV before

0:15:380:15:41

but apparently a speed camera was unprecedented.

0:15:410:15:44

Right. I'm going to have a slash then let's get going, yeah?

0:15:450:15:48

Yes!

0:15:480:15:50

I'll need both hands for this job!

0:15:500:15:52

Hello, toilet! Here's Daddy!

0:15:520:15:55

He talks to toilets.

0:15:550:15:57

LOUD URINATION

0:15:570:15:59

Has he got his hands on another horse?

0:16:040:16:06

I've seen it. You're not far wrong!

0:16:060:16:09

I can feel it going through the pipes.

0:16:130:16:16

URINATION STOPS

0:16:190:16:20

I'm not sure if you should...

0:16:200:16:21

URINATION RESUMES

0:16:210:16:24

URINATION STOPS

0:16:260:16:27

OK, I don't think...

0:16:270:16:28

URINATION RESUMES

0:16:280:16:30

I don't think you should go out with Teabag tonight, Josh.

0:16:350:16:37

I need to make new friends. It's either that or apologise to Martha.

0:16:370:16:40

Don't listen to her. Teabag is the only friend you'll ever need.

0:16:400:16:44

Last night, he drank a Smirnoff Ice through his ear!

0:16:440:16:46

-That's not possible.

-Er, tell that to TFL.

0:16:460:16:49

Ha! Look what I found! Anyone lost this orc?

0:16:490:16:52

Oh! There's a mate for you, Josh!

0:16:520:16:54

Oh, good to finally meet your boyfriend, Kate.

0:16:540:16:56

-Well done on pretty much repeating my joke.

-Well done on being a secret Warhammer fan.

0:16:560:16:59

-I'm not a secret Warhammer fan!

-Not any more.

0:16:590:17:01

Yeah, it must have been the previous owner. He had orcs everywhere.

0:17:010:17:04

The humble forest orc, the noble mountain orc, the wily river orc.

0:17:040:17:08

Is this another top ten? Look, Geoff, shouldn't you be decorating my room?

0:17:080:17:12

It's all in hand. Come and have a look.

0:17:120:17:14

-TEABAG:

-That was incredible.

0:17:140:17:15

The colour of a Spacehopper and a similar consistency.

0:17:150:17:18

I haven't flushed if you want to go and have a look.

0:17:180:17:21

Oh, don't mind if I do.

0:17:210:17:22

I've been so busy, Kate, I can't remember a time

0:17:260:17:28

when I wasn't stripping wallpaper. Et voila! I've got these two done.

0:17:280:17:31

-I'll have these done in a couple of hours' time.

-Oh, brilliant, thanks.

0:17:310:17:34

I know you're meeting that bloke, so I'll make sure I let myself out

0:17:340:17:37

-in time for you to...

-Don't touch my bed again, Geoff.

0:17:370:17:39

No, you're the boss.

0:17:390:17:40

Kate, please, just come for one or two and then after that...

0:17:400:17:43

Hurry up, Virgin! Those Strongbows won't strawpedo themselves!

0:17:430:17:46

Please! Just one or two?

0:17:460:17:49

Josh, you don't need to be doing this.

0:17:490:17:51

You don't see me out strongpedoing Strawbows

0:17:510:17:53

-and I've still got loads of mates.

-Really? Who?

0:17:530:17:55

Well, there's you guys, my brother, Mr Wong...

0:17:550:18:00

-Who's Mr Wong?

-He's a mate.

0:18:000:18:02

What do you talk to Mr Wong about?

0:18:020:18:04

You know, my takeaway order, how it differs from the last one...

0:18:040:18:07

Come on, Teabag, let's do this!

0:18:070:18:09

Relax. Never rush your first pint. Enjoy it.

0:18:140:18:17

-Oh, thank you, Teabag.

-Oh, pleasure.

0:18:170:18:20

This is actually very pleasant. It's nice to make new friends.

0:18:200:18:23

Here's to a laid back evening of conversation.

0:18:230:18:26

Three pints of snakebite.

0:18:260:18:27

You'd better not be flagging, boy. Let's get them in us.

0:18:270:18:30

Drink it! Come on! Drink it! God, you're drunk!

0:18:300:18:32

Special drink, there you are, Virgin.

0:18:320:18:35

What the hell was that?

0:18:350:18:37

Drink it, drink it, drink it! Yes! Quicker!

0:18:370:18:40

-How is this place still open?

-It's eight o'clock.

0:18:400:18:42

Oh, my God, you've been sick everywhere!

0:18:420:18:44

That's my shoes. My mother bought me those, they were expensive!

0:18:440:18:47

I think my favourite module was feng shui. Hmm.

0:18:470:18:50

How did they set the desks out?

0:18:500:18:52

There were no desks.

0:18:520:18:53

Of course!

0:18:530:18:54

-So this is me.

-Hmm. Nice.

0:18:550:18:57

-Thanks.

-I love your coat, by the way.

0:18:570:18:59

Have you always had such a great sense of style?

0:18:590:19:02

Oh, er, oh, yeah. You know that trend at school,

0:19:020:19:04

-people used to knot their ties really short?

-Yeah.

0:19:040:19:06

That was me, I invented that.

0:19:060:19:08

Wow, wait, what? The stubby?

0:19:080:19:10

Yeah! I know. Still technically a tie. Teachers couldn't touch me.

0:19:100:19:13

-Ah, the perfect crime.

-Yeah.

0:19:130:19:15

So um, do you want to come in for a...

0:19:150:19:19

coffee?

0:19:190:19:20

I don't think you're supposed to do the quotation marks, but, yes.

0:19:200:19:23

OK, cool. Come on.

0:19:230:19:25

Oh! Sorry!

0:19:340:19:36

Who do you live with? Stomp?

0:19:360:19:38

Oh, God.

0:19:500:19:52

Oh, no.

0:19:520:19:54

Have you got any paracetamol?

0:20:020:20:04

No. Oh, God, are you OK?

0:20:040:20:06

I think I might be hallucinating.

0:20:060:20:08

Yeah, the previous tenant painted it.

0:20:080:20:10

Geoff stripped the wallpaper but didn't think that would be an issue.

0:20:100:20:13

-Oh, my God, please tell me you brought Steve back?

-Yep.

0:20:130:20:16

It was terrible. He couldn't muster himself.

0:20:160:20:19

-Felt like the orc was judging him.

-So when did he leave?

0:20:190:20:22

Right after he decided to run with it and asked me if I'd role play as a centaur.

0:20:220:20:26

I do have some dignity so I just put my clothes back on

0:20:260:20:28

and we called it quits. How was your evening?

0:20:280:20:30

Oh, worse. I've never seen people drink like that.

0:20:300:20:33

-Teabag considers wine to be a mixer!

-What did I tell you?

0:20:330:20:36

-They gave me a nickname, Kate.

-Inevitably.

0:20:360:20:38

They called me Princess Malibu

0:20:380:20:40

because I spewed up Malibu in the first hour.

0:20:400:20:42

-Why were they drinking Malibu?

-They weren't, I was.

0:20:420:20:44

It was a drinking fine cos I'd failed to cock one leg when I drank.

0:20:440:20:48

Well, why did you have to cock one leg?

0:20:480:20:49

They had all these rules like pints with your right hand,

0:20:490:20:52

shots with your left. Owen's to be called The Golden Trumpet.

0:20:520:20:55

He's always been Owen to me.

0:20:550:20:57

I was hammered by the second round which incurred a fine,

0:20:570:20:59

I then threw up the fine and got fined again!

0:20:590:21:02

-It's an unworkable model, Kate!

-Ah, mate.

0:21:020:21:05

-Morning, Princess Malibu.

-Morning, Owen.

0:21:050:21:08

Well, strictly speaking it should be The Golden Trumpet.

0:21:080:21:11

But I let you off because Teabag stayed at that girl's house.

0:21:110:21:14

The one from the hen do?

0:21:140:21:15

Yeah. I don't know where those bridesmaids stayed though.

0:21:150:21:19

Oh, um, by the way,

0:21:190:21:21

he's now 100% convinced that you're a massive virgin.

0:21:210:21:25

Owen, this virgin thing's getting really wearing.

0:21:250:21:28

Oh, I know, but you'll find someone eventually.

0:21:280:21:30

No, Owen, please tell him to stop.

0:21:300:21:32

Last night he challenged me to describe a vagina.

0:21:320:21:34

It's harder than you think.

0:21:340:21:35

-Mate, it's as embarrassing for me as it is for you.

-How?

0:21:350:21:38

Because I'm hanging out with a virgin.

0:21:380:21:40

PHONE BUZZES

0:21:400:21:42

Oh, it's Teabag. He's coming over.

0:21:420:21:46

He's ready to go on the piss again!

0:21:460:21:49

Oh, no...

0:21:590:22:01

I can't take it. It's like I'm coming back from Vietnam.

0:22:010:22:05

Oh, my God, he's cracked.

0:22:050:22:07

I thought he was the only friend anyone ever needed?

0:22:070:22:09

Oh, God, it's like he's punishing us!

0:22:090:22:11

You know I've been friends with him for years.

0:22:110:22:14

In school, his mum was friends with my mum, but you know what?

0:22:140:22:16

I think he might be the devil, Kate.

0:22:160:22:18

Like, I've never seen him sleep, I've never seen him eat,

0:22:180:22:21

and he's been here for two days and now that's on the wall.

0:22:210:22:23

Oh, it's all right, mate.

0:22:230:22:26

And you know what?

0:22:260:22:27

Some of the things he says are bordering on the misogynistic.

0:22:270:22:31

Impressed you managed two nights, mate. I feel for you.

0:22:310:22:33

You feel for me? He's your friend now too.

0:22:330:22:36

Look at that. He's coming for both of us.

0:22:360:22:39

Do you know what?

0:22:390:22:40

Once you've sold your soul to the devil, you can't just buy it back.

0:22:400:22:44

-No, I don't want any part of this.

-Well, he's your friend now.

0:22:440:22:47

And what other option do you have?

0:22:470:22:48

You wanted to say something to me?

0:22:500:22:53

I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

0:22:530:22:55

Hmm. It's about time. Well, I appreciate that, Josh.

0:22:550:22:58

-I'm glad we got that sorted then so maybe...

-Sorry, is that it?

0:22:580:23:01

-What?

-You're not going to tell me what you're sorry for?

0:23:010:23:04

-Just generally sorry.

-Generally sorry?

0:23:040:23:06

Whatever it is you're worried about, consider that apologised for.

0:23:060:23:10

Do you know, if you were actually sorry, you would tell me

0:23:100:23:12

what you were sorry for.

0:23:120:23:13

You know, this is the problem with alpha males like you.

0:23:130:23:16

You see backing down as a weakness.

0:23:160:23:18

I'm not an alpha male, I'm barely even beta.

0:23:180:23:20

I'm a much lower Greek letter, I'm... I'm zeta.

0:23:200:23:24

I mean, is there a zeta? That's not the point.

0:23:240:23:26

The point is I've said some things I regret, but you make Mike happy.

0:23:260:23:29

And I love that and I celebrate that.

0:23:290:23:32

Thank you, Josh.

0:23:340:23:35

I'm not the person you think I am. I just want to put this behind us.

0:23:350:23:40

-OK. Do you know, it's really nice of you...

-Just hold that thought,

0:23:410:23:44

I'll be back in a second.

0:23:440:23:45

Teabag, this is not the time.

0:23:450:23:47

Oi-oi! Virgin alert! Don't lock up your daughters!

0:23:470:23:50

Sh! Sh! Sh! What are you doing here?

0:23:500:23:52

Owen was sick in the sink after one single Budweiser. It was shameful.

0:23:520:23:55

Anyway, he told me my newest drinking buddy was down the pub

0:23:550:23:57

-getting on it so here I am!

-I'm not getting on, I'm not getting on it.

0:23:570:24:00

You're in the pub at 3pm, mate,

0:24:000:24:02

you either work here or you're getting on it. Hang on a sec.

0:24:020:24:05

You having a drink with Kevin Keegan or is that what I think it is?

0:24:050:24:08

-No, no. she's just a friend, she's just a friend.

-Are you on a date?

0:24:080:24:11

-No, no!

-Is she going to be the one to deflower you?

-No, she's not!

0:24:110:24:14

Is she refusing to leave second base, is she? I see.

0:24:140:24:16

-You want the Teabag to put in a good word for you?

-No, no, no.

0:24:160:24:18

I'd love to get on it with you but I just need to talk to her.

0:24:180:24:21

I'll see you next time you're down.

0:24:210:24:22

All right, say no more. I'll leave you to work your magic.

0:24:220:24:26

You know, making love is nature's greatest gift. Welcome to the team.

0:24:280:24:32

Thank you.

0:24:320:24:33

Look, I'm sorry about that. I couldn't just...

0:24:390:24:41

No, it's really nice to clear the air.

0:24:410:24:43

-Hello, my name is Christopher.

-No, Teabag, what are you doing?

0:24:430:24:45

-But you can call me Teabag.

-Why are you called Teabag?

0:24:450:24:48

-Fall asleep near me and you'll find out.

-He likes tea!

0:24:480:24:50

What are you doing here, Teabag?

0:24:500:24:52

I just had to come over and tell her how amazing you are as a man.

0:24:520:24:55

Why would you do that?

0:24:550:24:56

As a thank you for him letting me stay this weekend.

0:24:560:24:59

-I'd have been on the street otherwise.

-You did that?

0:24:590:25:01

-Yeah.

-I didn't know you were helping with our work?

0:25:010:25:03

-Yeah, yeah, no, I am.

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

0:25:030:25:05

He has real respect for people, especially women.

0:25:050:25:07

I happen to know, for a fact, that he'll never sleep with a woman

0:25:070:25:10

-unless he'll spend the rest of his life with her.

-Really?

0:25:100:25:12

-Teabag, Teabag.

-He's saving himself for the right woman.

-Is that true?

0:25:120:25:16

Yeah, I just feel that true love waits.

0:25:160:25:18

-I knew it!

-It's actually quite sweet.

0:25:180:25:20

Sweet doesn't cover it. His mate broke up with his girl this week

0:25:200:25:23

-and that's all he's worried about.

-Oh, Josh!

0:25:230:25:25

Yeah, no, I really have, yeah.

0:25:250:25:26

Well, it wasn't a great loss though, was it?

0:25:260:25:28

-Oh, really?

-I mean, what did you call her again?

0:25:280:25:30

No, Martha doesn't need to hear this, Teabag!

0:25:300:25:32

-No, Martha does need to hear this.

-No, she really doesn't need to hear about this.

0:25:320:25:35

Come on, Josh! It was funny. His mate was seeing this girl,

0:25:350:25:38

and...what was it you called her? She was worthy, she was stuck-up.

0:25:380:25:41

What else did you say she had?

0:25:410:25:42

Oh, that was right! She had furry fingers!

0:25:420:25:44

TEABAG LAUGHS

0:25:440:25:45

Oh.

0:25:510:25:52

Well, that'll cut the heating bills in the winter, won't it?

0:25:520:25:55

Unlucky, mate.

0:26:020:26:04

And the worst thing is, you made me waste water!

0:26:040:26:07

Well, as I said, once a virgin, always a virgin!

0:26:120:26:15

Only one thing for it.

0:26:150:26:17

Barman! Pint of Stella and a Malibu for the lady!

0:26:170:26:19

Right, we're staying here till closing time.

0:26:190:26:23

And then we're finding a stables!

0:26:230:26:26

MUSIC: This Charming Man by The Smiths

0:26:260:26:30

You're drinking with your right hand! Forfeit!

0:26:300:26:32

You've still got your watch on, you can tell the time in Bogota!

0:26:320:26:35

Forfeit! You looked at the bar snacks! Forfeit!

0:26:350:26:37

-God, you're bad at this!

-I'm sorry!

0:26:370:26:40

-Apologising! Forfeit!

-Oh!

0:26:400:26:42

-God! Are you drunk?

-Yes!

0:26:420:26:44

-Double forfeit!

-Oh!

0:26:440:26:46

# Will nature make a man of me yet?

0:26:460:26:50

# When in this charming car

0:26:530:26:56

# This charming man

0:26:560:27:00

# Why pamper life's complexity

0:27:020:27:05

# When the leather runs smooth on the passenger seat?

0:27:050:27:10

# I would go out tonight... #

0:27:100:27:12

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