Homme and Away Josh

Right.

Well, they really didn't go for you, did they?

-Don't dwell on it, Geoff.

-And the heckling, ouch!

That was you!

I thought it would help! Give you something to work with.

Little bit of feedback. Right, you're too downbeat.

Rule one of comedy, Josh - there's nothing funny about a grumpy man.

I don't want your advice, Geoff! You're my landlord, not my agent.

Well, thank heavens, with performances like that.

Note two - your hair.

Two-for-one makes no sense. How are you supposed to eat two pizzas?

I think the offer's designed for couples.

I'll be honest with you, Kate. Eating two pizzas on your own

is only going to make it harder for you to meet someone.

Right, that's all working now. Warm at the bottom, cold at the top.

So...two pizzas a bit much for you, eh?

-Not up to the task?

-No, I meant for the average person.

I can totally eat two pizzas.

I once ate four kebabs in an afternoon.

-Why don't I take some of those calories off you, eh?

-No!

Well, you know what they say - a moment on the lips, lifetime on the thighs.

-Geoff, why exactly are you here?

-Yeah. Is it just to insult me?

No. I've also come round to present you with an exciting proposal.

As you may know, tomorrow is the start of London Fashion Week

and I have been approached by two Dutch models

who need somewhere to stay and someone to show them round.

-Oh, here we go!

-Models? Keep talking.

And I need you guys to move out for a few days

and suggest some hot spots I can take them to.

-What?!

-No way!

-Where are we supposed to stay?!

Calm... Calm down.

I have organised alternative accommodation

in a very popular holiday destination.

Don't get too excited, but I own a cottage in Clacton.

You guys are going to Clacton.

No.

Right, I thought that might happen.

What if I were to sweeten the deal, by crossing your palms with silver?

What would you say to £50 each?

That's less than a week's rent.

I'll take it. That's two pairs of jeans.

Ah, cheers, Geoff.

-Great. How about you, Kate?

-I'm working.

Oh, yeah - cos agency work's notoriously inflexible.

Look, whatever, I'm not going, OK?

Now, what if I were to tell you that this young man will be in Clacton?

-Um...

-Think he'd be up for sharing a two-for-one pizza deal?

What?

He's my nephew. He's about your level, isn't he?

What do you mean, "about my level"?

Oh, you know, I'd say Championship playoffs...

Derby County, Watford, Notts Forest, with a bit of investment...

-You have to be kidding me?!

-All right, Norwich.

-I'll give you £250.

-What, to pull your nephew?

No, to go to Clacton. The rest is up to you and nature.

-£200 more than Owen.

-In that case, deal.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, Geoff! I'd like to renegotiate my settlement.

And I would like an evening in Cafe Rouge with Rachel Stevens,

but it's never going to happen, is it? Finally, Josh...

-No.

-What would you say to 250 spondoolics?

"Spondoolics"? Are we negotiating a Ford Cortina?

No, Geoff, I'm not going. I've got a gig, I don't want to let them down.

Well, I'm sure both audience members can find something else to do.

No, I can't let the organisers down.

Also, I've got to sort out my gig receipts.

-On top of that, I've got to do...

-What, both of them?

-That's the same joke, Geoff.

-If it ain't broke...

I've got to do a wash as well. I've got to meet Mike for lunch...

Josh? You know the Dutch models aren't going to sleep with you?

They might.

Well, that is so sweet - you actually think you stand a chance.

Yeah, well, maybe they'll want something different?

How are you offering something different?

I could read to them.

From what?

The Guardian. THEY LAUGH

Oh, yeah. Cos babes love articles on austerity and wind farms(!)

Just reading a few fashion magazines, Kate.

You know me, getting a few style tips.

No, I won't do anything stupid, I'm just going to be myself.

DOORBELL RINGS Oh, here they are!

Next time you phone me, I won't be picking up,

cos I'll be going at it with two hot Dutch models.

See you later.

Hello, I am Ruud and this is Johan.

So, they were blokes. THEY LAUGH

-My God!

-OK, OK.

-Oh, no.

-I'm surprised you didn't stay, actually.

I thought that's what you went for.

-I mean, I met your last girlfriend.

-She was pretty.

She was handsome. Strong features.

-What is this place?

-I like it.

It's like Captain Birdseye's shag pad.

The only good thing is, Geoff isn't here.

Imagine how much action Captain Birdseye must get.

Women love a man in uniform.

All the fishfingers you can eat.

He's director of his own company. I'd bang Birdseye.

I mean, look at these. It looks like he's trying to cover up a drink problem.

Well, these are brilliant! Imagine how big they'd be in real life.

-The size of a ship.

-Yeah, but think about the size of the bottle.

Bagsy the only bedroom.

-What?

-You snooze, you lose.

Or rather, you snooze, you sleep on the sofa bed with Owen.

-Are you a spooner?

-No.

-Ah, spoonee.

We're going to fit together perfectly.

God, I hate the British seaside.

You know, when I went to Great Yarmouth, I got kicked in the stomach by a donkey.

It was still the highlight of the holiday.

-Do you remember when you got stuck on the big dipper and pissed yourself?

-I didn't piss myself.

I went to the toilet the only place I could, which happened to be my trousers.

-Ah, oh, oh, oh!

-There's not even a TV here. What am I meant to do?

-Don't need a telly.

-I'm not playing board games with you.

-You get too competitive.

-Board games are what holidays are all about.

Last time we played Jenga, you bit me!

I'm lucky I'd just had a tetanus shot.

I did not bite you. I fell on your arm with my mouth.

All right, Luis Suarez.

What, the guy who wrote Mambo No. 5?

No, that was Lou Bega and it was a cover version.

I'd be up for a nice, relaxed game of Monopoly.

I'm not playing with you two, you take it too seriously!

It'll be calm and relaxed and fun.

Cash money, bitches!

You've won second prize in a beauty contest.

This is the start of my modelling career, Josh. Next thing you know,

you'll be trying to kiss me and find out I'm a man.

How do I come out of that worse?

Oh, one, two...

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-One, two, three, four, five.

-Wha...what are you doing?

-When you roll a double, you roll again.

-No-one does that!

-Yes, they do.

My uncle then drove for an hour straight,

missed the start of his driving test.

Can we just move on from this, please?

Yes! Get in! Welcome to hotel town!

Pay up, sucker!

Excellent customer service, as always.

Don't give a shit, mate. Pay up, now!

Well, I'm bankrupt, I'm out. That was fun, wasn't it?

-Shall we just say Kate's the winner?

-No way!

Not until everything's mine and you are all destitute.

I was once lagging behind like this in a school Monopoly competition.

Still went home with the trophy, no problem.

What, you came back from losing this badly to win?

Well, no, I stole the trophy, but the end result was still the same.

-That's not winning.

-Well, tell that to my mantelpiece.

You can't just steal the trophy, Owen.

Why aren't you rolling, Kate? Are you scared?

No!

Oh...

Ah... Mayfair, owned by one Kate Anderson.

"Nice to see you again, Kate, thought you'd pop by?"

"Yeah, yeah, just thought I'd pop by.

"Visit the best and most expensive hotel in London, which I own."

I know what you're doing, Kate, but you can't get inside my head,

because I am as calm as a cucumber.

That's not the phrase.

Come on, my darlings, show Daddy what you can do.

-Oh!

-Argh! You let Daddy down!

A-ohh!

# Give me all your money Give me all your money! #

Give me... I think that's two grand, actually?

-Shall I just...? I'll help myself.

-I will. I'll give you...

-I'll just pick it up myself, so...

-Shh, shh, shh! Oh, my God.

-I think this town is built on a fault-line.

-What? What?

Oh, my God! Kate, there's some sort of earthquake!

Oh, God! Oh, no! Oh, Kate, it's an act of God!

We'll have to call it an honourable draw.

I'll give you act of God! Landslide!

Oh, grow up!

That's some hot property.

I said "some hot property", cos you've got a hotel in your drink.

See, Josh - that's the sort of joke you should be doing.

MUSIC: Wait A Minute by The Coasters

It was obvious they'd all had too much to drink.

Then Ruud had a claustrophobic fit on the London Eye.

He was late for his first catwalk.

I thought I'd make myself scarce

and now, Jimmy Choo wants to kick my arse.

Is that cos you nicked his shoes?

No, these are my holiday shoes. Hm? Holiday?

You're not staying here though, are you?

Absolutely! This holiday just got Geoffier.

-There's only one bed.

-Are you a spooner?

Big time. But don't worry, I'm not going to intrude on you guys.

I'm going to be out there -

spooning Mother Nature.

Another game of Monopoly, anyone?

No, thanks, Kate. I just keep it for the guests.

You know my views on gambling.

I'm not sure Monopoly counts as gambling.

-The cry of the addict.

-It's not real money.

That's what Nick Leeson said.

Anyway, I've got a rollmat with my name on it - literally.

So, unless any of you fancy

joining me by the campfire for a sing-along...

I brought the old six-string.

Who's with me?

Ah, well.

# I can feel it coming in the air tonight

# Oh, Lord

# I've been waiting for this moment

# All my life

# Oh, Lord

# Oh, Lord... #

IMITATES DRUM SOLO

# I can feel it coming in the air tonight

# Oh, Lord

# I've been waiting for this moment all my life... #

Yeah! Woo!

# Oh, Lord

# I can feel it coming in the air tonight... #

Right, lets get out of here, before Corporal Genesis shows up.

Best night's sleep ever. I slept like a log.

No, you didn't. You sleep-talked throughout the night.

You listed in detail all of Ian Rush's international strikes.

-Ah.

-The number of times I heard the phrase,

"Last-minute consolation goal."

-Sorry, mate.

-I mean, it's unbelievable!

What do you do when you've got a girl round?

Do you really want me to tell you?

-No!

-Hey, look, it's just really comforting, sleeping in the same bed

as someone you absolutely don't want to have sex with.

Was that what your ex-girlfriend said to you, Josh?

-Are we ready to go?

-No, coat, sorry.

-Oh, for crying out loud.

You can't rush someone when they're on holiday. It's a rule.

We're not on holiday.

Never on holiday are you woken up by your landlord singing Sussudio.

Well, actually, I think the music put me in a weird, trance state.

Like, I love Phil Collins,

but Geoff really put his own spin on those songs.

You're lucky you heard all of it, mate. I was lulled to sleep after the first three.

At the end, he thanked the stars for being a great audience.

-Oh, yeah, that is classic Collins.

-OK, ready.

Right, are we ready to go? Cos if I see his guitar again,

-I'm going to put my foot through the hole...

-Geoff!

Good morning, campers! What a night, found some pretty rare grooves.

Think it's the sea air.

So, breakfast's up.

You should have seen the one that got away. It was, like, that big.

This is Kevin, my nephew - or should that be "Geoffew"(?)

I should start charging you for this gold.

Kevin, this is Kate, the girl I told you about.

I've explained your situation, vis-a-vis loneliness and pizza.

No need to thank me. Kevin...

I was in charge of maggots.

-Congratulations.

-Flirting!

Have you...have you watched Extreme Fishing With Robson Green?

-No.

-See, he's got the gift of the gab.

Runs in the family.

So, let's eat. Join us.

Oh, we'd love to, but er...

-Yeah.

-..we've already eaten.

-Yep.

-It's 8am.

-Er, we had a midnight feast.

-What did you have?

-Er, cheese.

Well, you should never eat cheese before bed, Owen.

I did it once when I was eight. Wet the bed for six months.

Did you have cheese before you got on the big dipper, Josh?

-Right, shall we head into Clacton? Let's go.

-Oh, Josh, Josh, Josh...

Owen, for a second, just have a quick word.

Thought we'd give the lovebirds a bit of privacy, to get acquainted.

Josh, can I be frank? Your gig has stuck with me.

-Really?

-Not in a good way.

What if you had the chance to learn from true genius?

Who would you say are the masters of slapstick?

-I don't know.

-Think modern.

-It's the Chuckle Brothers.

-Is it?

-To me.

To me...

To me!

To me! To me!

-To me!

-To you, Geoff?

I knew you'd be a fellow aficionado. I have got incredible news.

Tonight, they're doing a one-off performance down at the pier.

-Of course they are.

-It gets better.

I've been down to the theatre, I've had a word.

I've told them I'm coming down with a "comedian" - that's you.

-Why have you done that?

-You're going to scream when you hear this.

The Chuckle Brothers have said they're willing to get you up on stage to do a skit with them!

-No, that can't happen.

-It could be your big break.

You could play their son.

How does that make sense? They're not a couple.

All you have to do is sign a health and safety waiver.

I'll go down the theatre and grab it. Come and meet you.

-Once that's signed, next stop Chuckle Town.

-Geoff, I need you to stop interfering in my career!

-Uncle Geoff!

-Oh, not again, Kevin!

This always happens when he gets panicky, he must like you.

-My blood pumps fast, it always finds a way out.

-Hold your head back!

Don't drop on your holiday shoes! Have we got a tissue, anyone?

Kate, could you just hold the bridge of his nose, would you?

-It's running down the back of my throat.

-Oh.

-Look at you two.

You can't keep your hands off each other, can you?

-OK, got to go. Lovely to meet you.

-See you later.

See you later, Josh. If I can't find you, I'll call you.

Yep. Right, it's imperative we turn our phones off.

-No problem.

-Already done.

MUSIC: Surf City by The Beach Boys

Why have you brought your own deckchair?

Oh, if this deckchair could speak!

The things it's seen - Carmarthen Castle, Barafundle Bay,

-Madison Square Garden...

-When did you go to Madison Square Garden?

Previous owner, mate. Lenny Kravitz Esquire.

You bought your deckchair off Lenny Kravitz?

Yeah. I was working in Cardiff International Airport, summer job.

He asked for directions, I said, "Are you going to go my way?"

Both laughed.

And he couldn't get this on as hand luggage.

Which means there's only going to be one winner - this guy.

I told him that Fly Away

was one of the top ten guitar riffs of all time.

He wanted 20, we shook on 10.

There's no way that's Lenny Kravitz's deckchair.

Well, put it this way -

have you seen Lenny Kravitz with a deckchair in the last ten years?

No.

Case closed. Ah!

Why would you need to go abroad,

when you've got this on your doorstep?

God was having a really good day when he made Clacton.

Oh, no! Geoff and Kevin are coming down the seafront.

I think Kevin's got me a present.

Oh, God, why won't they leave us alone?

-Get up, get up, get up!

-They're coming straight for us!

-We've got to hide! Quick, quick!

-Come on, let's go! Come on!

I don't know what all the fuss is about. It's only Geoff and Kevin.

No, Owen! They cannot find us, under any circumstances.

Here... Hide! Hide here! Hide here, quick. Oh, my God.

-First.

-It's not a race, is it?

Not much of one, with this opposition.

Shh, shh, shh, shh!

Of course, the dream is, we use this to discover our engagement ring.

-I mean, that is...

-Don't even start.

-I might wear a hat for your wedding to Kevin.

-I wouldn't invite you.

Oh, so you admit you're going to get married?

No, I'm not going to marry Kevin!

Josh, Kate doesn't need a little scrap of paper

to show the world how she feels.

Ah, this is more like it. Thank you.

Fish, chips and no Geoff.

-Whoa! What are you doing?

-I just want one!

-No, no.

I have my chips, you have your chips and never the twain shall meet.

Ah, that is bollocks.

If I was the one with the chips, you'd be grabbing away

-like it was the last five seconds of The Crystal Dome.

-MAN LAUGHS

-Good one.

-What are you laughing at?

That joke about how stingy you are.

I'm not stingy!

Look around you, people don't just give their chips away.

Oh, yeah? You can have one of mine.

Oh, that is good to see.

-Ah, you, sir, are a gentleman.

-I wouldn't go that far.

-I'm just not tight.

-Neither am I!

Yeah, right.

Oh, by the way, they throw old fish into the bins out back

after closing, if you want to rummage around for a freebie.

Why don't you just mind your... Oh, my God!

Geoff. Oh, my God!

Er, the toilet!

Oh, piss off!

Oh, they're sitting down. What are we going to do?

Ah! Oh, thank you very much.

Well, this is perfect. I haven't relaxed this much in ages.

What am I going to eat?

Er, Kate, mate, could I just have one of your chips?

THEY LAUGH

No! You have your chips, I have my chips and...

-BOTH:

-Never the twain shall meet.

The problem is, we need ketchup. Did you get any?

Don't need any, mate. Don't have the palate of a five-year-old.

Oh, wow, you really didn't like losing at Monopoly, did you?

I didn't lose at Monopoly!

Er, it was a natural disaster, Kate. There can be no winners.

Listen, I'm going to go and get some sauce.

-But what about Geoff?

-Er, I've got a hood.

Oh, for God's sake, he's going to see you.

-Do you want me to mush your food while you're gone?

-Whatever.

Mm, great chips.

Best, like, best chips, best chips I've ever had.

Kate, can you get up? I need a piss.

No way am I watching you piss.

Can't you just stand in the corner and face the wall?

What is this, The Blair Witch Project?

Ta-dah!

They, er...

They don't call me The Shadow for nothing.

-Oh, yes!

-Mmm.

Oh, by the way...

-..Geoff's gone.

-Oh, for God's sake!

Any man who can wear shorts after the clocks have gone back

-is fine by me.

-Yeah, I'm just sick of him turning up

and droning on and on about my stand-up.

-I don't go round saying he's a shit landlord.

-Yes, you do.

Yeah, but that's not the point, is it?

He might just be having a nice day with his nephew.

He's not necessarily trying to track us down.

Oh, you think? You think 18 missed calls, 18 new voicemails...

He's like a drunken ex.

Oh, now you're talking. Penny arcade, the theatre of champions.

Yeah, won't let you in, then.

It's a neon cathedral to fun.

Like, why would you even bother going to Vegas?

-Am I in hell?

-Oh, stop complaining. You should be happy here.

You know Geoff hates gambling. You can just kick back and relax.

I don't want to spend my day

watching you two compete for an East 17 key fob.

Penny pushers! My speciality!

Er, Kate, Kate, Kate, Kate... I should warn you -

as a young pup, I got so good at these games,

I was driven out of my local amusement arcade,

-like some sort of Vegas card shark.

-I told you two - no competition!

-Ah, believe me, he'll be no competition.

-Oh, yeah?

They used to watch me on the screens every night,

remorselessly emptying the machines of 2ps.

They'd no idea how I did it.

They thought I'd been blessed with a sixth sense -

-that I was a coin counter.

-That's not a thing.

Oh, yeah. It's all about being at one with your machine,

forming a bond.

Treat her like you're a foster parent.

Once I've chosen my machine,

then it's about timing the coin,

fall into sync...

Back and forth.

Easy, girl...

MACHINE BEEPS COINS CLINK

Er, utter luck.

It's about choosing the one that's closer to the edge, it's simple.

Oh, for...

Oh, I see what's happened here,

I've chosen one where the coins are glued down.

-Yes, well done, very clever!

-We can't all win the jackpot, Kate.

Er, you won about 40p!

Yeah, but a stick of rock never tastes as sweet

as when you've earnt it.

Are you two going to do this on every machine?

Oh, my God...

Kate! Kate, look at that, look at that!

OWEN GIGGLES

No way!

-What?

-It looks exactly like you!

-No, it doesn't.

-It is a stuffed you!

If we took you to a taxidermist, that is what they'd make.

-No, it isn't!

-I always knew you looked like something

and obviously, it's a stuffed lion.

It doesn't look like me!

-How much for that toy?

-The lion that looks like him?

Oh, you don't have to take the piss as well.

It costs 4,000 tickets.

Owen, it is time to set aside our differences and do this!

-Yes!

-Why are you doing this? It's not funny.

Yeah, it's exactly like you.

Although, to be fair, he can shift a few more tickets.

This is unbelievable.

I mean, first I'm bribed by my landlord,

who follows me everywhere, to come to Clacton,

then I have to watch you two compete for a six-year-old's pocket money

and I can see what you're doing!

I'm going for a piss.

"Hello, my name's Josh and I'm very sexually anxious."

"Oh, oh, do you remember the '90s?"

You see, this is the mic on to 4003.

-You've got the discriminator on that.

-Now, how will I get my...?

Excuse me... Oh, God!

Can you let me in, please?

We don't bin old hot dogs until 10pm, mate.

No, I just need to get in, please.

Oh, but there is a half-eaten candyfloss in the portaloo,

-if you want to help yourself to that?

-Please, just let me into the park!

-20 quid.

-How is it now 20 quid?

-Peak time.

Oh, OK, whatever.

Thank you.

What are you doing, just standing there?

-Aren't you going to go on a ride?

-No, I'm fine here.

Mate, if you're just going to loiter, I'm going to have to ask you to get out.

-Customers are going to find it weird.

-There's no-one here!

-Because there's a loiterer.

-All right, well, what have you got?

Well, there's er, this guy.

Even my knuckles turn white when I ride on him.

Why's he praying? Look where he is. Clearly, God's not listening.

All right, Dawkins.

Well, if you're feeling really brave,

there's always our pride and joy...

-Looks a bit like you, doesn't it?

-Don't you start.

-How is this your pride and joy?

-Don't have a go at the ride,

just cos you don't have the guts to go on it.

I've seen scarier bus routes. It's a Mexican mouse.

The only thing that'd be afraid of that is cheesy nachos.

-Or you.

-Fine. Let's do this.

Is this what I paid my 20 quid for?

That, and my sparkling company. Enjoy your adventure.

MEXICAN MUSIC

'El Diablo is the fastest mouse in all of Mexico,

'until one morning, he awoke to find

'he'd been turned into the fastest roller coaster in Clacton.'

How is that a backstory?

Come on, don't stop!

Come on!

Oi! No.

Oi!

I've lost momentum! Come on!

Take your headphones off! Oi!

Mole, mole, mole, mole, mole, mole, mole, mole...

How do you think that's helping?!

-Sorry, try to keep it simple.

-Oh, my God.

Mole, mole...

Hey! Argh!

It goes so fast. How do you steer a car with a pogo stick?

Ah!

Oh!

Two tokens. Bringing our grand total to...two tokens.

Only 3,998 tokens away from a stuffed Josh.

Kate...

ALARM BLARES

-Got it?

-Yeah!

Hello! I'm up here!

I'm stuck on the ride!

Hey, Owen, it's Josh.

Look, you and Kate need to turn your phones on and call me back.

OK?

Hello, police, please.

Hi, yeah.

I'm stuck on a Mexican mouse ride on Clacton pier.

No, I know prank calls are illegal.

No, look... He's got his headphones in!

Look, can't you just come down here and get me off?

Oh, come on, you're better than that.

Look, how long are you going to be? Two hours? It's an emergency!

Cos I need a piss! Oh, just leave it!

Argh! Argh!

Please!

THUNDER RUMBLES

Hey, Geoff, it's Josh.

Yeah, I saw I had a missed call from you?

Look, I need a favour.

LAUGHTER

We'd like to thank you for coming, Julie.

A little birdie told me that you love cake,

so I spent all night baking you a cake.

Well, I have.

Yeah, under my instructions, Barry. Can I have the cake?

-To you.

-To me.

-To you, then...

-To you.

Julie?

Julie?

You could have put my name on the cake.

Oh, you want to see Julie on the cake?

Would we like to see Julie on the cake, ladies and gentlemen?

-CHEERING

-We all know where this is going, don't we?

Julie, what do you think?

Well?

Put Julie on the cake.

You heard her, Barry.

MUSIC: Beyond The Sea by Bobby Darin

-You see, there's nothing funny in a grumpy man.

-Exactly!

Hey, do you mind if we have a go of your catchphrase?

-Not at all. To you.

-To me.

-To you.

-To me.

-To you.

-To me.

-To you.

-To me.

-To you.

-To me.

-To you.

-To me.

-To you.

-To me.

-To you.

-To me...

# She's there watching for me

# If I could fly like birds on high

# Then straight to her arms I'd go sailing

# It's far beyond the stars

# It's near beyond the moon... #