Suited and Booted Josh

FIRE ALARM BEEPS Is that a false alarm?

Sorry, I set the smoke alarm off by mistake.

-At 7am!

-Fire never sleeps!

-How did you do it?!

-Toast probably.

As you're up, some builders want me to move the car.

Do you mind sitting in the passenger seat for me?

This needs to stop happening. Can you pass your test?

Look, when pedestrians stop stepping out, I'll stop failing.

-Come on.

-All right, let's get this over with.

-Is that a lighter?

-Yes. No.

If you can't park the car, at least turn the fans off.

They don't turn off.

They haven't since Dad punched the dashboard

when Neil Kinnock lost the '92 general election.

Just park the car! We should have parked in that space back there.

You know I'm better at the forwardy ones!

Fair play to that old lady.

How she spotted that gap, I will never know.

You got out to guide her in.

Yeah, and if we help one another, the world becomes a happier place.

Oh, piss off, Ghandi, you're trying to park a car, not liberate the Raj.

We've been going 45 minutes!

I didn't realise parking spaces would be at such a premium.

We're in London!

Actually, I'm not sure this still counts as London.

-Oh!

-Right, here's the plan.

I know a great free parking space in Hendon.

We can just get the train back. It'll be fine.

Have you got a railcard?

Hey, whoa, whoa! What you doing?!

Ohh, steady on, Hulk Hogan, this is technically

a classic car!

Quentin Willson would cream his pants at this!

-LAUGHING:

-Oh, look, it's the kid from The Snowman!

Walk of shame, is it, mate?

Walk of shame? How would that even work?

Who would go to a girl's house in their dressing gown and slippers?

Hugh Hefner.

A, he wouldn't need to, they all live in his mansion.

B, I didn't get up at 7am

to discuss the logistics of Hugh Hefner's love life.

C, I'm going inside. Good day.

Excuse me, are you all right?

I just saw you being bullied by those two workmen

and it was horrible to watch.

Oh, it was just banter, it was nothing personal.

No, it really was.

I hate bullying and you should be allowed to dress how you like.

I agree with you. But just to be clear, this isn't how I dress.

Well, I like it.

My favourite outfit.

And all this Hugh Hefner business.

I mean, it's just chauvinistic and crass. It's upsetting.

Do you know what I always say?

If we respect one another, the world becomes a happier place.

Golly.

-I'm Lucy.

-I'm Josh.

Morning.

Where have you been?

Owen has just taken me to High Barnet.

Er, is that a euphemism or a birthday treat? Or both?

Actually, I've been thinking about your birthday.

Let's have a house party!

We are not having a house party.

I don't want people having sex in my bedroom.

-Yeah. The policy you've stuck to for the last year.

-Good one.

But that is about to change

because I have just met my future wife!

Successfully wired the money to Russia?

No, it's a girl from upstairs called Lucy.

-We met in the hallway.

-Oh, God, Lucy?!

Yeah, Lucy. She's amazing.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. She's a goody-goody.

Kind of person who judges you for not giving half your salary

to a koala sanctuary.

What did she say to you?

She just said she liked my scarf but I knew what she was really saying.

Well, I like her.

-You have nothing in common.

-We do.

-She's all nicey-nicey

and you're the person who tried to get the Domino's delivery guy

fired for bringing the wrong dip.

Why would I want a barbecue dip with a barbecue pizza?

It makes no sense.

If you can't pick up the right dip, don't get on the moped.

-Such a nice guy.

-I am a nice guy.

And all I've got to do is be a nice guy for the next 60 years,

and then me and Lucy can live happily ever after in our nice...

Where the shit is my shitting cake?!

Oh, yeah, you're right. You can be nice.

-Where is it?

-Owen ate it last night.

Unbelievable.

It didn't have your name on it.

Yes, it did. It said, "Happy Birthday, Josh."

That was six quid, that cake!

Um, how do you know that?

Cos I bought it.

You bought yourself a birthday cake?

It was on offer.

What, and it just happened to say "Happy Birthday, Josh" on it?

No, I might have paid extra for that.

But it's my birthday! I deserve it!

That's the most tragic thing I've ever heard.

How is it tragic to give myself the birthday I want?

You know I've always had rubbish birthdays,

being pushed into doing what my parents want.

So you didn't ask for the 10cc tribute band at your ninth birthday?

Why would I have wanted 11cc? I wanted a bouncy castle.

And then I didn't want the stroll on my 10th birthday.

On my 13th, I didn't want to go to Debenhams...

Ohh, do you remember the Chelsea Flower Show?

What's wrong with the Chelsea Flower Show?

Oh, God, that was your idea, wasn't it?

Charlie Dimmock was doing a meet-and-greet.

It was an incredible day!

I really wanted that cake! DOORBELL RINGS

Well, you've only got yourself to blame.

The thing with Owen is you have to assert yourself.

It's the only way you can control him.

All right, Supernanny.

-Lucy!

-Hey, Josh. This is for you.

Oh, thank you so much. Oh, you shouldn't have.

No, Josh, your post got muddled up with mine.

Ha!

-Golly.

-Don't...

-I'm...

-No.

Sorry, I feel awful now.

I should've got you something as soon as I realised.

-No, no, no.

-I am so sorry!

-Do not apologise.

-Your presence is enough of a present for me.

-Bleurgh!

Got anything planned for the big day?

Well, my flatmate wants to have a house party.

Oh. I love house parties.

So we're having a house party!

Yes! Golly!

# Let's have a party. #

I just don't think it's going to work, Owen.

What are you on about? It's going to save British television.

You bring back Win, Lose Or Draw, presented by Danny Dyer,

but he's allowed to swear, including M, F and C words.

-How is the party coming along?

-Oh, let me just check.

Have you heard my Win, Lose Or Draw idea?

Yes, Danny Dyer, you told me.

Ah, what?! 150 people not attending!

What is this, a protest?

Oh, my God. And look who is attending!

It's just me and you. This is so sad.

You've made a Facebook invite for our normal Monday night.

Won't this confuse Lucy? Aren't nice people supposed to have mates?

Yeah, she's not wrong. I went to a party at Ben Fogle's house once,

people were queueing down the street.

Owen, why aren't you attending?

You know me, I don't like to tie myself down.

If I really fancy it, I'll click "maybe attending".

You haven't clicked "maybe attending".

You do the math.

Let me have a look. OK.

"Hello. Welcome to my birthday invite page.

"Here you can find out all about my event."

-What, you've got it on the template setting.

-No, I wrote that.

Oh, dear Lord.

"We expect to start around 8pm.

"Some drinks, nibbles..." Oh, my God... You've used clip art!

What is this, your GCSE coursework? Are you going to quote Encarta?

Do you want me to save the night,

sprinkle it with a bit of Owen stardust?

Definitely not. This is my party. You two stay out of it.

LAPTOP BEEPS Oh, first guest!

-Tom Gregory is attending!

-Oooh! The only guest is Kate's ex.

-Yeah.

-I'm going to upgrade to "maybe attending".

-Ho-ho-ho-ho ho!

-He's more than welcome.

Kate. He was your first boyfriend and he dumped you.

It's fine to be a bit bitter.

I'm not bitter. Because he didn't dump me.

It was amicable. We weren't compatible.

-In that you liked him and he didn't like you?

-No.

When he dumped you, didn't you throw his phone against the ground

-in a fit of blind rage?

-No, that's not true.

He gave me his phone to call for a cab and it slipped out of my hand.

-It was a hot day.

-No human being gets that clammy.

-I do! I'm a clammy person!

-That's cos you'd just been dumped!

LAPTOP BEEPS Here we go, another one!

Oh, no. Tom's girlfriend Cath's attending.

Shotgun, I'm not talking to her.

Oh, she is so boring.

All she does is play YouTube videos on her phone.

Last time I met her, she played me four TED Talks on her phone.

-One was on the art of conversation.

-Yes, I heard that one.

Well, I for one, can't wait to meet her.

I'm just glad Tom's found love.

Well, you keep telling yourself that.

LAPTOP BEEPS REPEATEDLY

Owen, who are all these people that are coming to the party?

-What the hell has happened?

-I had to make a few changes, mate.

It's one of the most embarrassing invite pages I've ever seen.

Don't want it to go viral. Didn't want there

to be a BuzzFeed article about you.

Fancy dress?! I hate fancy dress!

I told you to stay off this thing. Why do you never listen to me?

I'm not a huge fan of fancy dress myself,

but, you know, desperate times and all that.

Just seen the page - fancy dress! Brilliant!

There isn't going to be a fancy dress party.

I am going to make the most incredible outfit.

It's going to be hip but biodegradable.

-And for those who fail to meet the remit...

-Remit?! There won't be one.

-There's always a remit.

-Yes, there's always a remit.

And for those who fail to meet it,

I'm going to have a box of approved costumes for people to change into.

But I don't like fancy dress. This isn't going to happen.

And, before you ask, the remit is

A, you've got to come in fancy dress. Obvs.

And B, none of that trying-to-look-sexy crap.

If you're going to come as a bunny rabbit,

it'd better be one riddled with myxomatosis.

-Oh. And food?

-Obvs. Mini quiche, crisps in a bowl, and then...

-Bang!

-MEXICAN ACCENT:

-Hot quesadillas!

No, no, no. This isn't happening.

Oh, come on, Josh. This could be good for you.

-Does Lucy like fancy dress?

-I don't know.

-Does she like quesadillas?

-Maybe.

Wow, it's almost like you really don't know her.

Look, this is my party, and you two need to learn to stay out of it.

How do you spell quesadillas?

No, no, no! Stop this!

Yes, and that's why when you're making your own outfit,

you can never underestimate the versatility of the inner tube.

Have we got much further to go?

This is like an audience with Wayne Hemmingway.

Don't worry, we're not far.

We can grab our costumes and then Kate can spend

the rest of the day making dungarees out of fuzzy felt.

Spending the day making an outfit from scratch is

one of the most satisfying things you can do.

You sound like a press release for a sweatshop.

I'm just saying if you make your own costume, it's impressive.

It says you're creative.

No, it doesn't. It says you've got too much time on your hands.

Yeah, and people already know that, Kate. You don't need to show them.

I thought you might give it a go, Owen.

No, I need to steer clear of adhesive.

I used to chew the glue sticks at school.

Made me go a bit weird.

What if I offer to help you make it? I am so talented.

When I went to my sister's birthday, I was dressed as a boom box

and it was so realistic that someone tried to put a tape in my mouth!

-Had you been talking to them about inner tubes?

-Ha-ha. Good one(!)

Right. Art shop thataway. Don't mind if I do.

When you see me later this evening, you probably won't recognise me.

Oh, we'll definitely pretend we don't recognise you.

I wonder who she's going to go as?

Texas Pete from SuperTed. That's what I've heard.

I went to a fancy dress party as Mr Universe.

Pair of trunks, piece of piss.

I went to a fancy dress party as Adrian Moorhouse, the swimmer who

won gold at the 1988 Seoul Olympics. Pair of trunks piece of piss.

-Is it always a pair of trunks?

-Well, it's a nice pair of trunks.

My problem is it's just so humiliating.

Do we really have to do this?

Yes, the remit's very clear - no fancy dress, no entry.

-It's my party!

-Yes, and if you wear fancy dress, you can come.

Oh, whoa, whoa. Check this out.

Hey?

Girls love a Viking.

-You need to brush up on your history, mate.

-All right.

Did I tell you about the fancy dress party I went to in Cardiff

-and Tasmin Archer was there?

-No.

Get this - she went dressed as the moonlit sky.

She kept getting people to say to her,

"But, Tasmin, that doesn't fit in with the theme of the party,"

to which she'd reply, "Don't blame me for the moonlit sky."

-No, she didn't.

-Yeah, you know, people laughed.

She'd gone to all that effort and it's Tasmin Archer.

That night though she slept in the bath.

I think she was going through a tough patch in her career.

Now 23 had slipped out of the charts which is inevitable.

Oh! Nelson Mandela?

I'm not going to black up.

No, you're right. It's too soon.

Ah! This is perfect! Native American.

Girls will think you're all nomadic.

I live in a flat share with a 12-month contract

-and no-break clause.

-And? Just try it on.

-I'm not going to try it on.

-Come on, it's perfect.

No, I'll just buy it and then we can go home.

You can't just buy it. At least try on the headdress.

Just leave me alone. You keep doing this to me, Owen.

Shove your headdress up your arse!

Lucy!

Hi, Josh. Wow, it's so lovely to see you.

So lovely to see you too! This is my friend, Owen.

-Oh! Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you too.

So is this is where you work?

No, I work for Save the Children, this is where I volunteer.

Of course, of course.

I just think it's really important to look out

-for the vulnerable and the elderly.

-Couldn't agree more.

As you say, "If we respect one another,

"the world becomes a happier place".

-Is that what you say, is it?

-Yup.

-So, is this for the party?

-Oh, yeah, yeah, I think so, yeah.

I had no idea it was fancy dress. I love fancy dress!

Oh, I love fancy dress too! We've got so much in common, haven't we?

I just love that these clothes were once someone's cherished

possessions. You know?

If these clothes could talk...

Yeah. They'd say, "Dry-clean me".

Oh, no, he's joking. You're joking, aren't you, Owen?

-Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm joking. I'm only pulling your leg.

-Oh, right.

Oh, it's such an amazing shop.

It's like a museum of memories, isn't it?

Yeah.

You know, actually I really appreciate you guys shopping here.

You know, your money will go to such a good cause.

I think it's really important that we look out

for the elderly, you know?

I couldn't agree more. Do you know what I always say?

If we don't show love to the elderly,

how can we show love to ourselves?

(Jesus Christ.)

Wow.

Exactly!

Sorry, I'm a bit embarrassed. Just sometimes this really gets me.

No, no, no, no, no. Come here, come here.

SHE CRIES

DOORBELL RINGS

-Hi, Kate.

-Geoff. You're early.

Just come for my monthly inspection of the smoke alarms.

-Geoff?

-Yes?

Why are you in a banana suit?

-Oh, just been training for my fun run.

-Dressed as a banana?

Yeah, well, you've got to replicate race conditions

so I've been on the treadmill down at the gym in my race outfit.

Wow. Did you get any funny looks?

I don't know, I've got tunnel vision.

So, why are you still wearing it?

Lost my locker key. There's no pocket in this outfit.

It's not as practical as it looks.

Anyway, on to the more important issue...

of your potential death

in the event of an out-of-control house fire.

Look, Geoff, I'm quite busy right now so could you just...

You know the drill, locate the nearest exit

and evacuate the premises immediately.

We don't want you being frazzled to death

because you wanted to see the end of Question of Sport, do we?

-Yes, very useful, Geoff.

-Perfect.

-Geoff?

-Guilty as charged.

It's the world's oldest banana.

-I didn't know you were coming to the birthday party?

-Owen!

Party? I didn't know you were having a party.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's tonight.

Oh, well, in that case, happy birthday, Owen.

-Oh, no.

-It's not his birthday, it's mine.

Well, then why is he doling out the invites?

Good question!

Er, it's fancy dress.

I shall have to have a root around.

See if I can find something to wear.

Where did you find all this stuff?

OK. Are you ready to see my incredible outfit?

Suppose so.

Ra-ta-ta!

Ha! I'm Guinness!

I can see that.

Think this should break the awkwardness?

Who with, Shane MacGowan?

No, you know how everyone's saying I'm bitter

about the break-up with Tom?

-Well, tonight, I'm not bitter, I'm Guinness!

-Oh, God, no.

Which is the opposite of bitter.

Sorry, how do you see this playing out?

OK, sample conversation.

Tom - "Kate, are you bitter?" Kate - "No, I'm Guinness."

Tom - "Hold me."

Kate - "No, sorry, mate, don't see you that way".

How early did you start the drinking?

Hey, guys! Are you ready to be wowed?

-BOTH:

-Yes!

-REDNECK ACCENT:

-You're under arrest!

Oh! Don't you look...!

You need to get me some doughnuts and coffee, ma'am,

-I'm on a stakeout!

-Oh, no, don't shoot!

What the hell are you doing?

-I'm a cop.

-Yeah, no, I can see that.

But no, no, no. A minute ago, I was a noble Native American,

-now I'm one of the Village People.

-Why have you come as one of them?

I haven't. You've made me into one.

You're going to need to get changed. What else have you got?

Erm... Yellow hard hat?

That's the same issue.

Oh, relax. It'll be all right.

No, but I have to try and seduce the love of my life

dressed as a member of one of the most iconic homosexual pop groups

-of the 20th century.

-Oh, chill out.

No, you are going to need to wear something else.

Go get something from the emergency fancy dress box

-in Kate's room.

-Why should I change? I look great.

-Why don't you get changed?

-Cos I bought this from Lucy's shop

and she said the headdress brings out my eyes.

Oh, God. Lucy, Lucy, Lucy. Boom!

Right. That is it.

First, there was the day trip to High Barnet.

Then you stole my cake.

Then you took over the party and invited Geoff. And now this.

Don't stand next to me tonight in case Lucy thinks that we're,

you know... In fact, do not talk to me at all tonight.

-Understand?

-All right. Suit yourself.

-Good.

Why have you come as a pint of bitter?

MUSIC: Raspberry Beret by Prince

DOORBELL RINGS I'll get it!

Hey, mate!

Hey, good to see you, Tom, Cath. Come on in.

-Hi!

-Good to see you.

-Nice outfits.

-Same, mate.

-You too.

-How!

-How? What?

Sorry. I thought that's what Native Americans do.

Oh, right, yeah. Or "stop decimating our culture"?

Oh, Lucy would have loved that.

-Tom!

-Kate!

-Hi, nice to see you!

-How you doing?

-Ah, sorry can't hug.

-Hey!

-Cath, lovely to meet you.

-And you!

Ahh. You're John Lennon?

Yeah, that's the idea, yeah, yeah.

-No-one's come as Mark Chapman. Shame.

-Shame?

No, I didn't mean shame, I meant...it's fine!

-No-one's going to shoot you!

-Great.

You're Yoko Ono? Of course you are.

What do you mean?

No, no, not because of how she was, because of...

-Cos he's, you know...

-Because of the...

-I mean, having you been spending all week in bed together?

-Sorry?

For peace. For peace, not sex!

-I mean, you're allowed to have sex, that's fine.

-Thank you.

It's natural. Anyway, I am a Guinness.

-Yeah.

-Cos...?

I'm not bitter.

OK.

Shall we get you a drink?

-Let's do that, yeah.

-Yeah, go on through, guys.

Go and join the party.

See you in a minute.

DOORBELL RINGS

Geoff. You came.

-As an apple...

-Bit of a squeeze.

-That Tube journey was a nightmare.

-Hmm.

What have you come as?

Guinness.

OK, there you are.

One for you, and one for you.

Hang on a minute, I said no sexy.

Did you not read the remit?

-Can you please go and get changed?

-Hi, Kate.

Hi, Cath! Hi. I'm so glad you're here.

-Me too. Great outfit.

-Thank you.

Tick followed tock followed tick followed tock.

-LAUGHS:

-Yeah, tick-tock tick-tock.

Do you have any idea what I'm talking about?

No, no idea.

The Guinness advert. With the horses.

Um?

-Oh, my God, you haven't seen it?

-No.

-OK. Give me a second.

-OK.

-Just go onto YouTube.

-OK.

-Go to my Favourites file.

-Yeah, yeah.

Guinness advert.

There we go.

-Buffering.

-Yeah.

Old Billy Buffer!

Old Billy's back in town.

-Are you staying for the whole party?

-Of course.

Great news.

I developed this terrible flaky skin condition.

It was all over my hands

-and in the end I had to give up my job at the sandwich bar.

-Mm.

Oh, you'll love this, Mr McCartney.

-Er, it's Lennon.

-Guess who my favourite band is?

The Beatles?

No, it's the Corrs.

Although The Beatles would kind of work, they were signed to Apple.

No, it's The Corrs.

Anyhow...

I'm off to find the little apples' room.

Dispense a little cider.

Not to defecate.

-Come on, mate, bit of privacy.

-Sorry.

Undignified.

MUSIC: Steal My Sunshine by Len

Oh, my God, Lucy, you came! Oh, you look great.

Thank you. I really adore cats. I've adopted two strays.

They're just so loving and so non-judgemental, you know?

If only humans were more like that.

No, no, no. Oi!

Bagpuss, none of that sexy crap. Get changed now!

I'm really sorry about my flatmate.

-She's joking, right?

-Garfield!

Unless you want to lose one of your nine lives, find a new outfit!

You know what, Josh, this probably isn't for me.

I think I'm just going to leave.

No, no, no. Lucy, please. Can I explain?

It's a psychological condition.

She's got genuine anger issues.

I've kind of taken her under my wing.

To try and impart calm?

In many ways, she's my stray cat.

That's very sweet of you.

Look, there's a box of spare fancy dress costumes for people

that didn't bring any.

Can I go and get you one, for Kate's anxieties more than anything?

Well, seeing as it's you.

Thank you. I'll see you in a bit.

Because if you look, the building is still there.

And that's why 9/11 was an inside job.

Ah. That is genuinely fascinating.

If you think that's fascinating then...

Cath, I just need to swap my Spotify playlist from

Kate's Cool Cuts to Flavoursome Floor Fillers.

Oh, have you got that one that goes...

# Oh-chika-ow-chika Oh-chika-ow-chika, ahhh. #

-I can't remember what it's called.

-Oh, well.

I'll Shazam it.

# Oh-chika-ow-chika Oh-chika-ow-chika, ahhh.

# Oh-chika-ow-chika, Oh-chika-ow-chika, uhh, chika... #

-Oh, sorry.

-Owen? Owen, is that you?

Yeah, yeah. Is that Geoff?

Is my apple outfit out there?

Er, no, why would it be?

I had to get out of the apple to get into the toilet.

But when I came out, the apple was gone.

Er, sorry, Geoff. Is this is this a maths problem?

You've got to find it, Owen. I'm stuck in here in my pants.

Well, why can't you look for it?

I can't wander around the party in my pants!

Just say you've come as Adrian Moorhouse

at the 1988 Seoul Olympics.

-No, Owen!

-Mr Universe?

I'm body-conscious, Owen.

-The media have given me unrealistic expectations.

-Oh, OK.

You've got to find it.

You're looking for a Granny Smith, only bigger.

Right.

Much bigger.

OK.

They're just dying out

and nobody's doing anything about it.

Do you know what?

The real sting in the tail would be life without the British honeybee.

You're very sweet.

-Josh, Josh! Can I have a quick word?

-Not now, not now, Owen.

-No, please, it'll take two minutes, please?

-Not now. Not now.

-Can I have a quick word? It'll take ten seconds!

-OK! OK!

I'll be back. Just hold that thought, I'll be back in a sec.

-Yeah, OK. Oh.

-Oh, sorry.

-Tight squeeze.

Owen, I was about to seal the deal then you come along

and ruin things for me again!

What is it now? You want me to find you a parking space in Aberdeen?

Listen, I was talking to Geoff. I don't know how it's happened but...

No, no. I've told you I am not talking to you tonight. OK?

-Oi!

-SINGS:

-Y-M-C-A!

Sweetcorn!

-That is exactly why. Now piss off.

-All right.

Did you hear...did you hear it? Did you hear that?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, I can hear the coughing.

They were right not to give him the million. Yeah.

-Exactly! Can I get a high five!

-Yeah.

-Can I get a low five!

-OK(!)

There you go.

Do you know what, Kate? This has been so nice to get to know you.

-Yeah.

-Tom said that you'd really struggled with the break-up

but I think that it's great that we're getting on like this.

Yeah, well, cos I'm not...

OK. I'm going to zip to the loo but I must let you watch this.

It's a TED Talk on the art of conversation.

Conversation, yeah, thanks.

FIRE ALARM BEEPS

Oh, sh...!

Oh!

-SHE COUGHS

-It's fine. Don't panic!

Don't panic, everyone, everything's under control!

-Don't worry, it's just the smoke alarm.

-maybe we should do something.

-No, it's just Kate's quesadillas.

-But she looks like she needs a hand.

No, no, no. She doesn't.

Listen, she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet.

FIRE ALARM CEASES

Now, where were we? Oh, yeah.

The reasons I want to be a UNICEF ambassador.

Oi, oi, the stripper's here!

Stripper?

Josh, I never thought you'd be the type to order a stripper.

No, no, I'm not the kind of... What? Oh, my God!

Can I start by reassuring everybody I am not a stripper,

I am just a man who is exciting calmly.

No, no, no, don't, Geoff, it's fine.

I just burnt the quesadillas.

Why are you dressed like that?

My costume's been stolen. There's a thief in the house.

-Oh, no. Wait, that's my costume!

-There she is.

I didn't steal this. Josh gave it to me.

-No. Why would I...?

-Did you take this man's costume

-and give it to me to wear?

-Why would I do that?

For a cheap laugh, I expect.

Is that why you invited me here? Just to make fun of me?

I didn't invite you.

Oh, that's nice, isn't it? The last cut is the deepest.

You know, earlier he called me the world's oldest banana.

That is literally the cruellest thing I've ever heard.

Why would you taunt an old man with such confusing things?

What are you, a nasty bully?

No, no, I'm not!

Did you listen to the TED Talk?

Oh, yeah. Er, oh... Ow! Oh!

What the hell have you done to my phone?!

-Not again, Kate!

-It was hot!

That's what you said last time! How the hell are you still bitter?

So, so bitter.

I am not bitter, I am a Guinness!

Why don't you watch a cocking YouTube video about it?!

It's OK. It's OK. I know what it's like.

My sister had a very similar condition.

-No, Lucy...

-What do you mean "condition"?

Your anger. Josh told me that he needed to nurture you

because of your condition.

The only thing Josh is nurturing is a desire to

get into your ethically-sourced fair-trade knickers,

you simpering twat.

Incredible. You are just a house of bullies!

No, we're not!

I live here and I'm not a bully.

Right. Sorry, Owen. I shouldn't have said that.

I really like your costume.

Oh, thanks. I'm glad somebody does.

Josh wouldn't let us stand together in case we seem homosexual.

You're homophobic as well!

No, I'm not homophobic. I just didn't want to ruin my chances!

What chances?

With you.

Goodbye, Josh.

I will dry-clean this and return it.

She seems like a nice girl.

Oh, that was a real success. I really enjoyed that.

I should've gone to the Chelsea Flower Show.

Yeah, or Debenhams.

Anyway, goodnight, birthday boy.

Yeah. Happy birthday, mate.

Uh, yeah, oh, yeah.

Come on, mate, bit of privacy.

Owen, I'm coming in with you.

# I heard it from a friend

# The revolution never happened

# Sigh A little die

# No more a child Goodbye

# Now where's the woollen sweater

# You mentioned in the letter?

# Imply The other guy

# And scandalise the lion. #