Suited and Booted Josh


Suited and Booted

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FIRE ALARM BEEPS Is that a false alarm?

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Sorry, I set the smoke alarm off by mistake.

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-At 7am!

-Fire never sleeps!

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-How did you do it?!

-Toast probably.

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As you're up, some builders want me to move the car.

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Do you mind sitting in the passenger seat for me?

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This needs to stop happening. Can you pass your test?

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Look, when pedestrians stop stepping out, I'll stop failing.

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-Come on.

-All right, let's get this over with.

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-Is that a lighter?

-Yes. No.

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If you can't park the car, at least turn the fans off.

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They don't turn off.

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They haven't since Dad punched the dashboard

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when Neil Kinnock lost the '92 general election.

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Just park the car! We should have parked in that space back there.

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You know I'm better at the forwardy ones!

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Fair play to that old lady.

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How she spotted that gap, I will never know.

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You got out to guide her in.

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Yeah, and if we help one another, the world becomes a happier place.

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Oh, piss off, Ghandi, you're trying to park a car, not liberate the Raj.

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We've been going 45 minutes!

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I didn't realise parking spaces would be at such a premium.

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We're in London!

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Actually, I'm not sure this still counts as London.

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-Oh!

-Right, here's the plan.

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I know a great free parking space in Hendon.

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We can just get the train back. It'll be fine.

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Have you got a railcard?

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Hey, whoa, whoa! What you doing?!

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Ohh, steady on, Hulk Hogan, this is technically

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a classic car!

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Quentin Willson would cream his pants at this!

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-LAUGHING:

-Oh, look, it's the kid from The Snowman!

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Walk of shame, is it, mate?

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Walk of shame? How would that even work?

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Who would go to a girl's house in their dressing gown and slippers?

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Hugh Hefner.

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A, he wouldn't need to, they all live in his mansion.

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B, I didn't get up at 7am

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to discuss the logistics of Hugh Hefner's love life.

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C, I'm going inside. Good day.

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Excuse me, are you all right?

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I just saw you being bullied by those two workmen

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and it was horrible to watch.

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Oh, it was just banter, it was nothing personal.

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No, it really was.

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I hate bullying and you should be allowed to dress how you like.

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I agree with you. But just to be clear, this isn't how I dress.

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Well, I like it.

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My favourite outfit.

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And all this Hugh Hefner business.

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I mean, it's just chauvinistic and crass. It's upsetting.

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Do you know what I always say?

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If we respect one another, the world becomes a happier place.

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Golly.

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-I'm Lucy.

-I'm Josh.

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Morning.

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Where have you been?

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Owen has just taken me to High Barnet.

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Er, is that a euphemism or a birthday treat? Or both?

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Actually, I've been thinking about your birthday.

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Let's have a house party!

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We are not having a house party.

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I don't want people having sex in my bedroom.

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-Yeah. The policy you've stuck to for the last year.

-Good one.

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But that is about to change

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because I have just met my future wife!

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Successfully wired the money to Russia?

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No, it's a girl from upstairs called Lucy.

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-We met in the hallway.

-Oh, God, Lucy?!

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Yeah, Lucy. She's amazing.

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Oh, no, no, no, no, no. She's a goody-goody.

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Kind of person who judges you for not giving half your salary

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to a koala sanctuary.

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What did she say to you?

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She just said she liked my scarf but I knew what she was really saying.

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Well, I like her.

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-You have nothing in common.

-We do.

-She's all nicey-nicey

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and you're the person who tried to get the Domino's delivery guy

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fired for bringing the wrong dip.

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Why would I want a barbecue dip with a barbecue pizza?

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It makes no sense.

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If you can't pick up the right dip, don't get on the moped.

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-Such a nice guy.

-I am a nice guy.

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And all I've got to do is be a nice guy for the next 60 years,

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and then me and Lucy can live happily ever after in our nice...

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Where the shit is my shitting cake?!

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Oh, yeah, you're right. You can be nice.

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-Where is it?

-Owen ate it last night.

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Unbelievable.

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It didn't have your name on it.

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Yes, it did. It said, "Happy Birthday, Josh."

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That was six quid, that cake!

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Um, how do you know that?

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Cos I bought it.

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You bought yourself a birthday cake?

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It was on offer.

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What, and it just happened to say "Happy Birthday, Josh" on it?

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No, I might have paid extra for that.

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But it's my birthday! I deserve it!

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That's the most tragic thing I've ever heard.

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How is it tragic to give myself the birthday I want?

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You know I've always had rubbish birthdays,

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being pushed into doing what my parents want.

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So you didn't ask for the 10cc tribute band at your ninth birthday?

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Why would I have wanted 11cc? I wanted a bouncy castle.

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And then I didn't want the stroll on my 10th birthday.

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On my 13th, I didn't want to go to Debenhams...

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Ohh, do you remember the Chelsea Flower Show?

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What's wrong with the Chelsea Flower Show?

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Oh, God, that was your idea, wasn't it?

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Charlie Dimmock was doing a meet-and-greet.

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It was an incredible day!

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I really wanted that cake! DOORBELL RINGS

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Well, you've only got yourself to blame.

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The thing with Owen is you have to assert yourself.

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It's the only way you can control him.

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All right, Supernanny.

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-Lucy!

-Hey, Josh. This is for you.

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Oh, thank you so much. Oh, you shouldn't have.

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No, Josh, your post got muddled up with mine.

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Ha!

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-Golly.

-Don't...

-I'm...

-No.

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Sorry, I feel awful now.

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I should've got you something as soon as I realised.

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-No, no, no.

-I am so sorry!

-Do not apologise.

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-Your presence is enough of a present for me.

-Bleurgh!

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Got anything planned for the big day?

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Well, my flatmate wants to have a house party.

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Oh. I love house parties.

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So we're having a house party!

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Yes! Golly!

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# Let's have a party. #

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I just don't think it's going to work, Owen.

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What are you on about? It's going to save British television.

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You bring back Win, Lose Or Draw, presented by Danny Dyer,

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but he's allowed to swear, including M, F and C words.

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-How is the party coming along?

-Oh, let me just check.

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Have you heard my Win, Lose Or Draw idea?

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Yes, Danny Dyer, you told me.

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Ah, what?! 150 people not attending!

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What is this, a protest?

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Oh, my God. And look who is attending!

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It's just me and you. This is so sad.

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You've made a Facebook invite for our normal Monday night.

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Won't this confuse Lucy? Aren't nice people supposed to have mates?

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Yeah, she's not wrong. I went to a party at Ben Fogle's house once,

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people were queueing down the street.

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Owen, why aren't you attending?

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You know me, I don't like to tie myself down.

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If I really fancy it, I'll click "maybe attending".

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You haven't clicked "maybe attending".

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You do the math.

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Let me have a look. OK.

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"Hello. Welcome to my birthday invite page.

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"Here you can find out all about my event."

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-What, you've got it on the template setting.

-No, I wrote that.

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Oh, dear Lord.

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"We expect to start around 8pm.

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"Some drinks, nibbles..." Oh, my God... You've used clip art!

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What is this, your GCSE coursework? Are you going to quote Encarta?

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Do you want me to save the night,

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sprinkle it with a bit of Owen stardust?

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Definitely not. This is my party. You two stay out of it.

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LAPTOP BEEPS Oh, first guest!

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-Tom Gregory is attending!

-Oooh! The only guest is Kate's ex.

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-Yeah.

-I'm going to upgrade to "maybe attending".

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-Ho-ho-ho-ho ho!

-He's more than welcome.

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Kate. He was your first boyfriend and he dumped you.

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It's fine to be a bit bitter.

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I'm not bitter. Because he didn't dump me.

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It was amicable. We weren't compatible.

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-In that you liked him and he didn't like you?

-No.

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When he dumped you, didn't you throw his phone against the ground

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-in a fit of blind rage?

-No, that's not true.

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He gave me his phone to call for a cab and it slipped out of my hand.

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-It was a hot day.

-No human being gets that clammy.

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-I do! I'm a clammy person!

-That's cos you'd just been dumped!

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LAPTOP BEEPS Here we go, another one!

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Oh, no. Tom's girlfriend Cath's attending.

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Shotgun, I'm not talking to her.

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Oh, she is so boring.

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All she does is play YouTube videos on her phone.

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Last time I met her, she played me four TED Talks on her phone.

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-One was on the art of conversation.

-Yes, I heard that one.

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Well, I for one, can't wait to meet her.

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I'm just glad Tom's found love.

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Well, you keep telling yourself that.

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LAPTOP BEEPS REPEATEDLY

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Owen, who are all these people that are coming to the party?

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-What the hell has happened?

-I had to make a few changes, mate.

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It's one of the most embarrassing invite pages I've ever seen.

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Don't want it to go viral. Didn't want there

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to be a BuzzFeed article about you.

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Fancy dress?! I hate fancy dress!

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I told you to stay off this thing. Why do you never listen to me?

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I'm not a huge fan of fancy dress myself,

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but, you know, desperate times and all that.

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Just seen the page - fancy dress! Brilliant!

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There isn't going to be a fancy dress party.

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I am going to make the most incredible outfit.

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It's going to be hip but biodegradable.

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-And for those who fail to meet the remit...

-Remit?! There won't be one.

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-There's always a remit.

-Yes, there's always a remit.

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And for those who fail to meet it,

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I'm going to have a box of approved costumes for people to change into.

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But I don't like fancy dress. This isn't going to happen.

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And, before you ask, the remit is

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A, you've got to come in fancy dress. Obvs.

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And B, none of that trying-to-look-sexy crap.

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If you're going to come as a bunny rabbit,

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it'd better be one riddled with myxomatosis.

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-Oh. And food?

-Obvs. Mini quiche, crisps in a bowl, and then...

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-Bang!

-MEXICAN ACCENT:

-Hot quesadillas!

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No, no, no. This isn't happening.

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Oh, come on, Josh. This could be good for you.

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-Does Lucy like fancy dress?

-I don't know.

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-Does she like quesadillas?

-Maybe.

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Wow, it's almost like you really don't know her.

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Look, this is my party, and you two need to learn to stay out of it.

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How do you spell quesadillas?

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No, no, no! Stop this!

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Yes, and that's why when you're making your own outfit,

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you can never underestimate the versatility of the inner tube.

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Have we got much further to go?

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This is like an audience with Wayne Hemmingway.

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Don't worry, we're not far.

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We can grab our costumes and then Kate can spend

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the rest of the day making dungarees out of fuzzy felt.

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Spending the day making an outfit from scratch is

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one of the most satisfying things you can do.

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You sound like a press release for a sweatshop.

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I'm just saying if you make your own costume, it's impressive.

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It says you're creative.

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No, it doesn't. It says you've got too much time on your hands.

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Yeah, and people already know that, Kate. You don't need to show them.

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I thought you might give it a go, Owen.

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No, I need to steer clear of adhesive.

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I used to chew the glue sticks at school.

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Made me go a bit weird.

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What if I offer to help you make it? I am so talented.

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When I went to my sister's birthday, I was dressed as a boom box

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and it was so realistic that someone tried to put a tape in my mouth!

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-Had you been talking to them about inner tubes?

-Ha-ha. Good one(!)

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Right. Art shop thataway. Don't mind if I do.

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When you see me later this evening, you probably won't recognise me.

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Oh, we'll definitely pretend we don't recognise you.

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I wonder who she's going to go as?

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Texas Pete from SuperTed. That's what I've heard.

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I went to a fancy dress party as Mr Universe.

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Pair of trunks, piece of piss.

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I went to a fancy dress party as Adrian Moorhouse, the swimmer who

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won gold at the 1988 Seoul Olympics. Pair of trunks piece of piss.

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-Is it always a pair of trunks?

-Well, it's a nice pair of trunks.

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My problem is it's just so humiliating.

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Do we really have to do this?

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Yes, the remit's very clear - no fancy dress, no entry.

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-It's my party!

-Yes, and if you wear fancy dress, you can come.

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Oh, whoa, whoa. Check this out.

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Hey?

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Girls love a Viking.

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-You need to brush up on your history, mate.

-All right.

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Did I tell you about the fancy dress party I went to in Cardiff

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-and Tasmin Archer was there?

-No.

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Get this - she went dressed as the moonlit sky.

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She kept getting people to say to her,

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"But, Tasmin, that doesn't fit in with the theme of the party,"

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to which she'd reply, "Don't blame me for the moonlit sky."

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-No, she didn't.

-Yeah, you know, people laughed.

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She'd gone to all that effort and it's Tasmin Archer.

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That night though she slept in the bath.

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I think she was going through a tough patch in her career.

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Now 23 had slipped out of the charts which is inevitable.

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Oh! Nelson Mandela?

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I'm not going to black up.

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No, you're right. It's too soon.

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Ah! This is perfect! Native American.

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Girls will think you're all nomadic.

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I live in a flat share with a 12-month contract

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-and no-break clause.

-And? Just try it on.

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-I'm not going to try it on.

-Come on, it's perfect.

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No, I'll just buy it and then we can go home.

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You can't just buy it. At least try on the headdress.

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Just leave me alone. You keep doing this to me, Owen.

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Shove your headdress up your arse!

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Lucy!

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Hi, Josh. Wow, it's so lovely to see you.

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So lovely to see you too! This is my friend, Owen.

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-Oh! Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you too.

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So is this is where you work?

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No, I work for Save the Children, this is where I volunteer.

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Of course, of course.

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I just think it's really important to look out

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-for the vulnerable and the elderly.

-Couldn't agree more.

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As you say, "If we respect one another,

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"the world becomes a happier place".

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-Is that what you say, is it?

-Yup.

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-So, is this for the party?

-Oh, yeah, yeah, I think so, yeah.

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I had no idea it was fancy dress. I love fancy dress!

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Oh, I love fancy dress too! We've got so much in common, haven't we?

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I just love that these clothes were once someone's cherished

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possessions. You know?

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If these clothes could talk...

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Yeah. They'd say, "Dry-clean me".

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Oh, no, he's joking. You're joking, aren't you, Owen?

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-Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm joking. I'm only pulling your leg.

-Oh, right.

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Oh, it's such an amazing shop.

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It's like a museum of memories, isn't it?

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Yeah.

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You know, actually I really appreciate you guys shopping here.

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You know, your money will go to such a good cause.

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I think it's really important that we look out

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for the elderly, you know?

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I couldn't agree more. Do you know what I always say?

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If we don't show love to the elderly,

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how can we show love to ourselves?

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(Jesus Christ.)

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Wow.

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Exactly!

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Sorry, I'm a bit embarrassed. Just sometimes this really gets me.

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No, no, no, no, no. Come here, come here.

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SHE CRIES

0:12:260:12:29

DOORBELL RINGS

0:12:350:12:38

-Hi, Kate.

-Geoff. You're early.

0:12:440:12:47

Just come for my monthly inspection of the smoke alarms.

0:12:470:12:50

-Geoff?

-Yes?

0:12:500:12:52

Why are you in a banana suit?

0:12:520:12:54

-Oh, just been training for my fun run.

-Dressed as a banana?

0:12:540:12:57

Yeah, well, you've got to replicate race conditions

0:12:570:12:59

so I've been on the treadmill down at the gym in my race outfit.

0:12:590:13:02

Wow. Did you get any funny looks?

0:13:020:13:04

I don't know, I've got tunnel vision.

0:13:040:13:06

So, why are you still wearing it?

0:13:060:13:08

Lost my locker key. There's no pocket in this outfit.

0:13:080:13:11

It's not as practical as it looks.

0:13:110:13:13

Anyway, on to the more important issue...

0:13:130:13:18

of your potential death

0:13:180:13:20

in the event of an out-of-control house fire.

0:13:200:13:22

Look, Geoff, I'm quite busy right now so could you just...

0:13:220:13:25

You know the drill, locate the nearest exit

0:13:250:13:27

and evacuate the premises immediately.

0:13:270:13:29

We don't want you being frazzled to death

0:13:290:13:31

because you wanted to see the end of Question of Sport, do we?

0:13:310:13:34

-Yes, very useful, Geoff.

-Perfect.

0:13:340:13:36

-Geoff?

-Guilty as charged.

0:13:360:13:38

It's the world's oldest banana.

0:13:380:13:39

-I didn't know you were coming to the birthday party?

-Owen!

0:13:390:13:42

Party? I didn't know you were having a party.

0:13:420:13:44

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's tonight.

0:13:440:13:46

Oh, well, in that case, happy birthday, Owen.

0:13:460:13:49

-Oh, no.

-It's not his birthday, it's mine.

0:13:490:13:51

Well, then why is he doling out the invites?

0:13:510:13:53

Good question!

0:13:530:13:54

Er, it's fancy dress.

0:13:540:13:56

I shall have to have a root around.

0:13:560:13:58

See if I can find something to wear.

0:13:580:14:00

Where did you find all this stuff?

0:14:080:14:10

OK. Are you ready to see my incredible outfit?

0:14:120:14:17

Suppose so.

0:14:170:14:19

Ra-ta-ta!

0:14:190:14:22

Ha! I'm Guinness!

0:14:220:14:24

I can see that.

0:14:240:14:25

Think this should break the awkwardness?

0:14:250:14:27

Who with, Shane MacGowan?

0:14:270:14:28

No, you know how everyone's saying I'm bitter

0:14:280:14:30

about the break-up with Tom?

0:14:300:14:32

-Well, tonight, I'm not bitter, I'm Guinness!

-Oh, God, no.

0:14:320:14:35

Which is the opposite of bitter.

0:14:350:14:37

Sorry, how do you see this playing out?

0:14:370:14:39

OK, sample conversation.

0:14:390:14:41

Tom - "Kate, are you bitter?" Kate - "No, I'm Guinness."

0:14:410:14:44

Tom - "Hold me."

0:14:440:14:45

Kate - "No, sorry, mate, don't see you that way".

0:14:450:14:47

How early did you start the drinking?

0:14:470:14:49

Hey, guys! Are you ready to be wowed?

0:14:490:14:52

-BOTH:

-Yes!

0:14:520:14:54

-REDNECK ACCENT:

-You're under arrest!

0:14:560:14:58

Oh! Don't you look...!

0:14:580:14:59

You need to get me some doughnuts and coffee, ma'am,

0:14:590:15:01

-I'm on a stakeout!

-Oh, no, don't shoot!

0:15:010:15:03

What the hell are you doing?

0:15:030:15:05

-I'm a cop.

-Yeah, no, I can see that.

0:15:060:15:08

But no, no, no. A minute ago, I was a noble Native American,

0:15:080:15:11

-now I'm one of the Village People.

-Why have you come as one of them?

0:15:110:15:13

I haven't. You've made me into one.

0:15:130:15:15

You're going to need to get changed. What else have you got?

0:15:150:15:18

Erm... Yellow hard hat?

0:15:180:15:19

That's the same issue.

0:15:190:15:21

Oh, relax. It'll be all right.

0:15:210:15:23

No, but I have to try and seduce the love of my life

0:15:230:15:25

dressed as a member of one of the most iconic homosexual pop groups

0:15:250:15:28

-of the 20th century.

-Oh, chill out.

0:15:280:15:31

No, you are going to need to wear something else.

0:15:310:15:33

Go get something from the emergency fancy dress box

0:15:330:15:35

-in Kate's room.

-Why should I change? I look great.

0:15:350:15:37

-Why don't you get changed?

-Cos I bought this from Lucy's shop

0:15:370:15:40

and she said the headdress brings out my eyes.

0:15:400:15:42

Oh, God. Lucy, Lucy, Lucy. Boom!

0:15:420:15:44

Right. That is it.

0:15:440:15:45

First, there was the day trip to High Barnet.

0:15:450:15:48

Then you stole my cake.

0:15:480:15:49

Then you took over the party and invited Geoff. And now this.

0:15:490:15:53

Don't stand next to me tonight in case Lucy thinks that we're,

0:15:530:15:56

you know... In fact, do not talk to me at all tonight.

0:15:560:15:58

-Understand?

-All right. Suit yourself.

-Good.

0:15:580:16:01

Why have you come as a pint of bitter?

0:16:040:16:06

MUSIC: Raspberry Beret by Prince

0:16:100:16:13

DOORBELL RINGS I'll get it!

0:16:200:16:22

Hey, mate!

0:16:260:16:27

Hey, good to see you, Tom, Cath. Come on in.

0:16:270:16:29

-Hi!

-Good to see you.

-Nice outfits.

0:16:290:16:31

-Same, mate.

-You too.

0:16:310:16:33

-How!

-How? What?

0:16:330:16:35

Sorry. I thought that's what Native Americans do.

0:16:350:16:37

Oh, right, yeah. Or "stop decimating our culture"?

0:16:370:16:40

Oh, Lucy would have loved that.

0:16:400:16:41

-Tom!

-Kate!

0:16:410:16:43

-Hi, nice to see you!

-How you doing?

0:16:430:16:45

-Ah, sorry can't hug.

-Hey!

0:16:450:16:47

-Cath, lovely to meet you.

-And you!

0:16:470:16:48

Ahh. You're John Lennon?

0:16:510:16:53

Yeah, that's the idea, yeah, yeah.

0:16:530:16:54

-No-one's come as Mark Chapman. Shame.

-Shame?

0:16:540:16:57

No, I didn't mean shame, I meant...it's fine!

0:16:570:16:59

-No-one's going to shoot you!

-Great.

0:16:590:17:01

You're Yoko Ono? Of course you are.

0:17:010:17:04

What do you mean?

0:17:040:17:05

No, no, not because of how she was, because of...

0:17:050:17:08

-Cos he's, you know...

-Because of the...

0:17:080:17:09

-I mean, having you been spending all week in bed together?

-Sorry?

0:17:090:17:12

For peace. For peace, not sex!

0:17:120:17:16

-I mean, you're allowed to have sex, that's fine.

-Thank you.

0:17:160:17:19

It's natural. Anyway, I am a Guinness.

0:17:190:17:23

-Yeah.

-Cos...?

0:17:230:17:25

I'm not bitter.

0:17:270:17:28

OK.

0:17:300:17:31

Shall we get you a drink?

0:17:340:17:35

-Let's do that, yeah.

-Yeah, go on through, guys.

0:17:350:17:37

Go and join the party.

0:17:370:17:39

See you in a minute.

0:17:390:17:40

DOORBELL RINGS

0:17:440:17:46

Geoff. You came.

0:17:480:17:50

-As an apple...

-Bit of a squeeze.

0:17:500:17:53

-That Tube journey was a nightmare.

-Hmm.

0:17:530:17:56

What have you come as?

0:17:560:17:57

Guinness.

0:17:580:18:00

OK, there you are.

0:18:030:18:05

One for you, and one for you.

0:18:050:18:09

Hang on a minute, I said no sexy.

0:18:090:18:11

Did you not read the remit?

0:18:110:18:13

-Can you please go and get changed?

-Hi, Kate.

0:18:130:18:15

Hi, Cath! Hi. I'm so glad you're here.

0:18:150:18:18

-Me too. Great outfit.

-Thank you.

0:18:180:18:21

Tick followed tock followed tick followed tock.

0:18:210:18:24

-LAUGHS:

-Yeah, tick-tock tick-tock.

0:18:240:18:27

Do you have any idea what I'm talking about?

0:18:270:18:29

No, no idea.

0:18:290:18:31

The Guinness advert. With the horses.

0:18:310:18:33

Um?

0:18:330:18:34

-Oh, my God, you haven't seen it?

-No.

-OK. Give me a second.

-OK.

0:18:340:18:38

-Just go onto YouTube.

-OK.

0:18:380:18:40

-Go to my Favourites file.

-Yeah, yeah.

0:18:400:18:43

Guinness advert.

0:18:430:18:44

There we go.

0:18:440:18:46

-Buffering.

-Yeah.

0:18:460:18:47

Old Billy Buffer!

0:18:490:18:51

Old Billy's back in town.

0:18:540:18:56

-Are you staying for the whole party?

-Of course.

0:18:590:19:01

Great news.

0:19:010:19:02

I developed this terrible flaky skin condition.

0:19:020:19:05

It was all over my hands

0:19:050:19:06

-and in the end I had to give up my job at the sandwich bar.

-Mm.

0:19:060:19:10

Oh, you'll love this, Mr McCartney.

0:19:100:19:12

-Er, it's Lennon.

-Guess who my favourite band is?

0:19:120:19:15

The Beatles?

0:19:150:19:16

No, it's the Corrs.

0:19:160:19:18

Although The Beatles would kind of work, they were signed to Apple.

0:19:180:19:21

No, it's The Corrs.

0:19:210:19:22

Anyhow...

0:19:220:19:24

I'm off to find the little apples' room.

0:19:240:19:26

Dispense a little cider.

0:19:260:19:28

Not to defecate.

0:19:280:19:29

-Come on, mate, bit of privacy.

-Sorry.

0:19:350:19:38

Undignified.

0:19:380:19:40

MUSIC: Steal My Sunshine by Len

0:20:380:20:41

Oh, my God, Lucy, you came! Oh, you look great.

0:20:530:20:56

Thank you. I really adore cats. I've adopted two strays.

0:20:560:20:59

They're just so loving and so non-judgemental, you know?

0:20:590:21:03

If only humans were more like that.

0:21:030:21:06

No, no, no. Oi!

0:21:060:21:07

Bagpuss, none of that sexy crap. Get changed now!

0:21:070:21:10

I'm really sorry about my flatmate.

0:21:100:21:11

-She's joking, right?

-Garfield!

0:21:110:21:14

Unless you want to lose one of your nine lives, find a new outfit!

0:21:140:21:17

You know what, Josh, this probably isn't for me.

0:21:180:21:21

I think I'm just going to leave.

0:21:210:21:22

No, no, no. Lucy, please. Can I explain?

0:21:220:21:24

It's a psychological condition.

0:21:240:21:26

She's got genuine anger issues.

0:21:260:21:28

I've kind of taken her under my wing.

0:21:280:21:30

To try and impart calm?

0:21:300:21:32

In many ways, she's my stray cat.

0:21:320:21:34

That's very sweet of you.

0:21:340:21:36

Look, there's a box of spare fancy dress costumes for people

0:21:360:21:38

that didn't bring any.

0:21:380:21:39

Can I go and get you one, for Kate's anxieties more than anything?

0:21:390:21:43

Well, seeing as it's you.

0:21:430:21:45

Thank you. I'll see you in a bit.

0:21:450:21:46

Because if you look, the building is still there.

0:22:020:22:05

And that's why 9/11 was an inside job.

0:22:050:22:08

Ah. That is genuinely fascinating.

0:22:080:22:11

If you think that's fascinating then...

0:22:110:22:13

Cath, I just need to swap my Spotify playlist from

0:22:130:22:15

Kate's Cool Cuts to Flavoursome Floor Fillers.

0:22:150:22:17

Oh, have you got that one that goes...

0:22:170:22:19

# Oh-chika-ow-chika Oh-chika-ow-chika, ahhh. #

0:22:190:22:22

-I can't remember what it's called.

-Oh, well.

0:22:220:22:24

I'll Shazam it.

0:22:240:22:26

# Oh-chika-ow-chika Oh-chika-ow-chika, ahhh.

0:22:260:22:29

# Oh-chika-ow-chika, Oh-chika-ow-chika, uhh, chika... #

0:22:290:22:32

-Oh, sorry.

-Owen? Owen, is that you?

0:22:390:22:42

Yeah, yeah. Is that Geoff?

0:22:420:22:43

Is my apple outfit out there?

0:22:430:22:46

Er, no, why would it be?

0:22:460:22:48

I had to get out of the apple to get into the toilet.

0:22:480:22:51

But when I came out, the apple was gone.

0:22:510:22:54

Er, sorry, Geoff. Is this is this a maths problem?

0:22:540:22:57

You've got to find it, Owen. I'm stuck in here in my pants.

0:22:570:23:00

Well, why can't you look for it?

0:23:000:23:01

I can't wander around the party in my pants!

0:23:010:23:03

Just say you've come as Adrian Moorhouse

0:23:030:23:05

at the 1988 Seoul Olympics.

0:23:050:23:06

-No, Owen!

-Mr Universe?

0:23:060:23:08

I'm body-conscious, Owen.

0:23:080:23:09

-The media have given me unrealistic expectations.

-Oh, OK.

0:23:090:23:12

You've got to find it.

0:23:120:23:13

You're looking for a Granny Smith, only bigger.

0:23:130:23:15

Right.

0:23:150:23:17

Much bigger.

0:23:170:23:19

OK.

0:23:190:23:21

They're just dying out

0:23:210:23:23

and nobody's doing anything about it.

0:23:230:23:25

Do you know what?

0:23:250:23:26

The real sting in the tail would be life without the British honeybee.

0:23:260:23:29

You're very sweet.

0:23:290:23:31

-Josh, Josh! Can I have a quick word?

-Not now, not now, Owen.

0:23:310:23:33

-No, please, it'll take two minutes, please?

-Not now. Not now.

0:23:330:23:36

-Can I have a quick word? It'll take ten seconds!

-OK! OK!

0:23:360:23:39

I'll be back. Just hold that thought, I'll be back in a sec.

0:23:390:23:41

-Yeah, OK. Oh.

-Oh, sorry.

-Tight squeeze.

0:23:410:23:44

Owen, I was about to seal the deal then you come along

0:23:450:23:48

and ruin things for me again!

0:23:480:23:49

What is it now? You want me to find you a parking space in Aberdeen?

0:23:490:23:52

Listen, I was talking to Geoff. I don't know how it's happened but...

0:23:520:23:55

No, no. I've told you I am not talking to you tonight. OK?

0:23:550:23:58

-Oi!

-SINGS:

-Y-M-C-A!

0:23:580:24:01

Sweetcorn!

0:24:010:24:02

-That is exactly why. Now piss off.

-All right.

0:24:020:24:05

Did you hear...did you hear it? Did you hear that?

0:24:050:24:07

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, I can hear the coughing.

0:24:070:24:10

They were right not to give him the million. Yeah.

0:24:100:24:12

-Exactly! Can I get a high five!

-Yeah.

0:24:120:24:16

-Can I get a low five!

-OK(!)

0:24:160:24:18

There you go.

0:24:180:24:19

Do you know what, Kate? This has been so nice to get to know you.

0:24:190:24:22

-Yeah.

-Tom said that you'd really struggled with the break-up

0:24:220:24:25

but I think that it's great that we're getting on like this.

0:24:250:24:27

Yeah, well, cos I'm not...

0:24:270:24:29

OK. I'm going to zip to the loo but I must let you watch this.

0:24:290:24:33

It's a TED Talk on the art of conversation.

0:24:330:24:35

Conversation, yeah, thanks.

0:24:350:24:37

FIRE ALARM BEEPS

0:24:400:24:41

Oh, sh...!

0:24:410:24:43

Oh!

0:24:430:24:44

-SHE COUGHS

-It's fine. Don't panic!

0:24:470:24:49

Don't panic, everyone, everything's under control!

0:24:490:24:52

-Don't worry, it's just the smoke alarm.

-maybe we should do something.

0:24:590:25:02

-No, it's just Kate's quesadillas.

-But she looks like she needs a hand.

0:25:020:25:05

No, no, no. She doesn't.

0:25:050:25:07

Listen, she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet.

0:25:070:25:09

FIRE ALARM CEASES

0:25:090:25:12

Now, where were we? Oh, yeah.

0:25:120:25:13

The reasons I want to be a UNICEF ambassador.

0:25:130:25:15

Oi, oi, the stripper's here!

0:25:150:25:17

Stripper?

0:25:170:25:18

Josh, I never thought you'd be the type to order a stripper.

0:25:180:25:21

No, no, I'm not the kind of... What? Oh, my God!

0:25:210:25:23

Can I start by reassuring everybody I am not a stripper,

0:25:230:25:26

I am just a man who is exciting calmly.

0:25:260:25:29

No, no, no, don't, Geoff, it's fine.

0:25:290:25:30

I just burnt the quesadillas.

0:25:300:25:32

Why are you dressed like that?

0:25:320:25:33

My costume's been stolen. There's a thief in the house.

0:25:330:25:36

-Oh, no. Wait, that's my costume!

-There she is.

0:25:360:25:39

I didn't steal this. Josh gave it to me.

0:25:390:25:41

-No. Why would I...?

-Did you take this man's costume

0:25:410:25:43

-and give it to me to wear?

-Why would I do that?

0:25:430:25:45

For a cheap laugh, I expect.

0:25:450:25:46

Is that why you invited me here? Just to make fun of me?

0:25:460:25:49

I didn't invite you.

0:25:490:25:50

Oh, that's nice, isn't it? The last cut is the deepest.

0:25:500:25:53

You know, earlier he called me the world's oldest banana.

0:25:530:25:55

That is literally the cruellest thing I've ever heard.

0:25:550:25:58

Why would you taunt an old man with such confusing things?

0:25:580:26:02

What are you, a nasty bully?

0:26:020:26:03

No, no, I'm not!

0:26:030:26:04

Did you listen to the TED Talk?

0:26:050:26:07

Oh, yeah. Er, oh... Ow! Oh!

0:26:070:26:11

What the hell have you done to my phone?!

0:26:110:26:13

-Not again, Kate!

-It was hot!

0:26:130:26:15

That's what you said last time! How the hell are you still bitter?

0:26:150:26:18

So, so bitter.

0:26:180:26:20

I am not bitter, I am a Guinness!

0:26:200:26:23

Why don't you watch a cocking YouTube video about it?!

0:26:230:26:25

It's OK. It's OK. I know what it's like.

0:26:250:26:29

My sister had a very similar condition.

0:26:290:26:30

-No, Lucy...

-What do you mean "condition"?

0:26:300:26:32

Your anger. Josh told me that he needed to nurture you

0:26:320:26:35

because of your condition.

0:26:350:26:37

The only thing Josh is nurturing is a desire to

0:26:370:26:39

get into your ethically-sourced fair-trade knickers,

0:26:390:26:42

you simpering twat.

0:26:420:26:44

Incredible. You are just a house of bullies!

0:26:440:26:47

No, we're not!

0:26:470:26:48

I live here and I'm not a bully.

0:26:480:26:50

Right. Sorry, Owen. I shouldn't have said that.

0:26:500:26:52

I really like your costume.

0:26:520:26:53

Oh, thanks. I'm glad somebody does.

0:26:530:26:55

Josh wouldn't let us stand together in case we seem homosexual.

0:26:550:26:59

You're homophobic as well!

0:26:590:27:00

No, I'm not homophobic. I just didn't want to ruin my chances!

0:27:000:27:03

What chances?

0:27:030:27:05

With you.

0:27:050:27:06

Goodbye, Josh.

0:27:060:27:08

I will dry-clean this and return it.

0:27:170:27:19

She seems like a nice girl.

0:27:250:27:26

Oh, that was a real success. I really enjoyed that.

0:27:320:27:34

I should've gone to the Chelsea Flower Show.

0:27:340:27:36

Yeah, or Debenhams.

0:27:360:27:38

Anyway, goodnight, birthday boy.

0:27:380:27:40

Yeah. Happy birthday, mate.

0:27:400:27:42

Uh, yeah, oh, yeah.

0:27:430:27:46

Come on, mate, bit of privacy.

0:27:480:27:50

Owen, I'm coming in with you.

0:27:530:27:55

# I heard it from a friend

0:27:570:27:59

# The revolution never happened

0:28:000:28:03

# Sigh A little die

0:28:030:28:05

# No more a child Goodbye

0:28:050:28:07

# Now where's the woollen sweater

0:28:100:28:14

# You mentioned in the letter?

0:28:140:28:16

# Imply The other guy

0:28:160:28:19

# And scandalise the lion. #

0:28:190:28:21

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