Bed and Breakfast Josh


Bed and Breakfast

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-MAN ON TV:

-OK. Let the wood see the pecker!

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"Let the wood see the pecker"!

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I mean, he's basically saying penis.

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He plays it so close to the line, but gets it just right every time.

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Come on, Josh, it's Saturday night. Let's go out for a drink.

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We're having a drink. Also, they don't show Take Me Out in the pub.

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Shall we go out after Take Me Out?

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What, and miss Take Me Out: The Gossip? Are you mad?

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What the hell is Take Me Out: The Gossip?

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It's only where you find out what really went down

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on the Isle of Fernando's. Don't you want to know what happened

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with Dean and Sophie after they bonded on the banana boat?

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-Josh.

-Mm-hm.

-I feel like we're a middle-aged couple already.

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Yeah, I know, it's amazing -

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it's only taken us a month to get this comfortable.

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It took my parents years.

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Life is like a meal, and we have skipped to the pudding.

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These are our apple crumble years.

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I'm not getting up until Gemma and I are back together.

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It's been three days.

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You'll get bedsores. You'll end up like that bloke from Seven.

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Kate, I'm upset,

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I'm not going to chop her head off and put it in a box.

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Anyway, she's worth waiting for.

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She just said she needed some space.

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You are aware that's not a thing, aren't you?

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It's just a polite way to dump someone.

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No, Gemma wouldn't do that.

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She just needs some space, like a deep-lying midfielder.

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Aw, I know.

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She was perfect.

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We had all the same reference points.

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Do you know who Nicky Butt is?

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-No idea.

-He's a deep-lying midfielder.

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Gemma knew that.

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She knew everything.

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Right, I'm opening the curtains.

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-No!

-Just a bit of sunlight in here,

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I'm not putting a stake through your heart.

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-Gemma's already done that.

-Oh, God.

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-Oh, you are kidding me.

-What?

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-You need to see this.

-I'm not going anywhere.

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A middle-aged woman has just dropped Owen off in a sports car

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and, get this, he's wearing a leather racing jacket.

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Kate, cheers for trying, but I'm not falling for that.

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Oh, my God, they're kissing!

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Yeah, at least make it believable.

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They're really going for it.

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Oh, that is disgusting.

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Oh, that is demeaning.

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Are you dating a cougar?

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-No.

-Who's that woman who dropped you off, then?

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Er, "that woman" is Karen, and Karen's a woman

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I've been cat-sitting for.

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Oh, cat-sitting, overnight.

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Yeah, well, I had to stay overnight, didn't I?

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Because her cat is bulimic, so I needed to make sure

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-she kept her food down.

-OK, chinny.

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Well, if you think the idea of a size zero Siamese is funny, Kate,

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then you've got a sick mind, cos Cheetara has body issues,

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so I needed to take down all the mirrors in the house

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to make sure she didn't shove her paw down her throat,

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so, yeah, ha-ha-ha, very funny.

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Er, do you mind getting out of the way, please?

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I've recorded a load of Flog Its.

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I saw the two of you, together, having a Frenchie.

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Sorry, do you think it's really believable that you would see me,

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of all people, kissing a woman in her fifth decade?

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No, that's why I took a photo.

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You do realise there are laws against being a Peeping Tom?

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Oh, so you admit there's something to peep at?

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-So you admit you were peeping?

-Well, I'll show you what I peeped.

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Oh, you creepy peeper.

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OK, so I'm seeing a slightly older woman.

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Have you got a problem with that, in your closed moral universe?

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-So where'd you meet her?

-If you must know, it was on a dating app.

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Foxy Bingo is not a dating app.

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-Morning, Owen.

-Morning.

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-Love the jacket.

-Ah, thanks, it's a peach, isn't it?

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Oh, yes, you look like a young Ayrton Senna.

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Although hopefully you won't go the same way.

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-Keep it light, Geoff.

-I certainly will, Owen, my boy,

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with these energy-saving light bulbs.

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No, they really are a money saver,

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I'll e-mail you a breakdown of the cost benefits.

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To me!

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So, did I hear that you've been enjoying an older woman?

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Good work. All the middle-aged women that I have...

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..lain beside have been like fine wines.

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-What, alcoholic?

-No, the really good ones are French.

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Although I have been enjoying a rather fruity British number lately.

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Is this still a metaphor?

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I am currently seeing a younger lady.

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Really? Well, well, well, Geoff, you old rogue.

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How much younger is she?

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-Six months.

-Oh.

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Different school year, Owen, I feel very naughty.

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If I was 16, it wouldn't be legal.

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Morning, Kate.

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Aw, here he is. Congratulations for making it out of bed.

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Well, I've got you to thank for that.

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I'd still be under the duvet if it wasn't for you

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-and your e-mail admin.

-What are you talking about?

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Your reply to us about Geoff's e-mail

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about energy-saving light bulbs.

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"No, we don't want your stupid light bulbs.

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"Like you, they are dim and will never get screwed."

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What can I say? I write a zingy e-mail.

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I'm not questioning the zinginess, Kate,

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the problem is with who you sent it to.

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Me, Owen, and...

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-No!

-Yeah, Geoff.

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Oh, no, this can't be happening.

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Yeah, you replied to all.

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You amateur, you are so digitally naive.

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Oh, no, I'm great at this stuff.

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I mean, I've never failed to include an attachment.

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I even racially adapt my emojis depending on the recipient.

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Isn't that MORE offensive?

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Is it? Oh!

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Look, Kate, don't worry about it,

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all you've done is broken the heart of a lonely middle-aged man.

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Oh, no, no, no.

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Oh, God. I feel terrible.

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He'll be OK, won't he? I mean, he's always so chipper.

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I doubt he will ever laugh again.

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To think, just last week he was telling me he'd been given

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a book of rude road signs. I bet he's at home now,

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failing to find the humour in a slip road that looks like a penis.

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Oh, God, this is awful.

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I'm a cyber bully.

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Well, why don't you just press the button that deletes

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-the e-mail from his inbox?

-Can you do that?

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Of course not! You are so digitally naive!

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Here you go, one ham salad baguette.

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Does that make up for you being brutally dumped?

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-I'm vegetarian.

-Oh, you should have said.

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-I live with you.

-Oh, God, waste not, want not.

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Are you ever going to take that leather jacket off?

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All right, you're a vegetarian, I get it.

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No, I'm saying you've not taken it off since you got it.

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And why would I take off Nigel Mansell's racing jacket?

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As if it's Nigel Mansell's actual jacket.

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One Rothmans-sponsored moustache comb.

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No way, where did you get it?

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Karen. She runs a sporting memorabilia website.

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It is the ultimate friends with benefits.

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I get my pick and she gets my...

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-Don't say it.

-My devotion!

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Listen, this is what you're missing out on.

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You need to get back out there.

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I'd told Karen all about you, and she's up for a double date.

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Oh, God, that is disgusting.

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Oh. No, not like that. No, she's got a friend.

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We're not going to be custard cousins.

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-Is that a phrase?

-Yeah, yeah, it means when we both...

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Yeah, I get what it means.

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No, I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in dating a woman

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-that remembers the three-day week.

-But you haven't even met Valerie.

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Valerie? What is she, a dinner lady?

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I don't want extra servings of liver.

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OK, you're a vegan, I get it.

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No, I'm a vegetarian.

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And you don't half love banging on about it.

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Look, I'm sorry, but I'm waiting for Gemma.

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Mate, you have been dumped, that is what "I need some space" means.

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No, she is just a girlfriend on standby.

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Her little red light is on.

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What, she's become a prostitute?

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What? No!

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What I'm saying is we all need time on our own.

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It just happens for me it is the length of a shower,

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for her it is four to six weeks.

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Come on the date. What is the worst that can happen?

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You eat for free, you drink for free, and who knows?

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You might end up with, um...

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John Virgo's waistcoat.

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Geoff, how nice to see you.

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-Ah, Kate.

-I was just thinking, actually, "I wonder how Geoff is."

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Great.

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Brought the rest of the energy savers over, but what's the point?

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Oh, what's getting you down?

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-Climate change?

-No. Hate penguins.

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-What?

-One stole my wallet at the Cornwall Seal Sanctuary,

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wouldn't give it back.

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In fairness, I stopped chasing it after three lengths.

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Look, Geoff, I am so sorry about what's happened.

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I think we should talk about it.

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I don't want to talk.

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-I've been hurt.

-I hate seeing you like this, Geoff. I feel awful.

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Maybe I just don't understand people.

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You think you know someone well enough

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for them to tell you how they feel face-to-face.

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Next thing you know, your phone dings

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and you realise it is quite the opposite.

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I am so, so sorry.

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Why don't we go out tonight, make everything all right again?

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-I don't know.

-We could do whatever you want.

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We could go to the cinema. Happy Feet 3 is on.

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You know my views on penguins.

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Oh, yeah, OK. What about a night of high culture?

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We could go to that place down the road that does foreign cinema.

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Has the snack bar got wasabi peas?

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Um, probably.

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It's just I saw a documentary about wasabi peas a few years ago

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and I'm intrigued to know if they're really as moreish

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as the narrator made out.

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I can get you the peas, Geoff.

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Well, maybe.

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It would make a change from a night in writing introspective poetry.

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-You write poetry?

-Yeah.

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That magnetic poetry set was the best present I ever got.

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Got a very sad fridge at the moment, Kate.

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And not just because it only contains one box of potato waffles.

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God, I love double dates. It's like being in an American teen movie.

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No, it's going to be like being taken to an American teen movie

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-by our mothers.

-Well, you'll be doing some things you wouldn't

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want your mother to see, mate. Having sex being one of them.

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I haven't even met Valerie yet.

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Do you know, a woman, like a turtle, reaches her sexual peak at 40?

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Let me to you, there are no cable cars to a sexual peak.

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-What does that even mean?

-It means you got to scale it.

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I don't want to scale anyone's sexual peak.

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I'm quite happy at sexual base camp.

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I'm OK with life in the slow lane.

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Karen's got me in the sexual fast lane.

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Well, apart from that incident on the hard shoulder.

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I don't want to hear about that.

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Oh, she really knows what she's doing, mate.

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She used her other hand to turn on the hazards.

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What a pro. Not in that sense.

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I'm sorry, I can't do this.

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What?! Oh, come on, don't be such a wuss.

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No, I'm not comfortable with it. I miss Gemma.

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Mate, "space" means you've been dumped.

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The only phrase more devastating is, "I need thinking time."

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Maybe if I just speak to her...

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Oh, no, don't call her, Josh. No, seriously.

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No, that's the right thing to do.

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It's nothing to do with you. You leave me alone.

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Hey, Gemma. Yeah.

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Yeah, I know you said not to call, but, um...

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Yeah, it's great to hear your voice as well.

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Look, the reason I'm calling is I've been thinking,

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and you're right, we are too young to turn into our parents.

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I want to try new things. And I want to do them with you.

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Yeah, yeah, of course, of course.

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Speak soon, yeah?

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-Does she need thinking time?

-Yeah.

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Ugh. Come on.

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Are you seriously telling me

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that those are Edgar Davids' glaucoma glasses?

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Wow. Do you feel more Dutch in them, Josh?

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I've already told you, I'm not going to split the food bill.

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No, seriously. Who gets 20 wings?

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Well, I am a growing boy.

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Ooh, so I see.

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I think they suit you.

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I like a man in glasses.

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You like a man in anything.

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-Except his clothes!

-KAREN LAUGHS

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Well, I've got 20 years to catch up on, haven't I?

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And you look like a short, blond Louis Theroux.

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Did you ever see his documentary on hardcore pornography?

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No, I'm not really into, um, Louis Theroux.

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Can I just say that you look smoking hot, Karen?

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Although I am looking at you through orange-tinted spectacles.

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Why's she laughing at that for a third time?

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That joke doesn't even work.

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So, what did you get up to this weekend?

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I just stayed in and watched Take Me Out: The Gossip.

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-Did you, now?

-Yeah.

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So where are you going to take me? And the question is, will I come?

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I don't know how to answer that.

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It's an innuendo.

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Hardly.

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I tell you what, why don't you start by taking me to the bar?

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And I said "to", not "over".

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I know how your mind works.

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GEOFF SNIVELS

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It's quite moving, isn't it, Geoff?

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I mean, she was so young, and the tide just took her, didn't it?

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No, it's not that.

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It's these wasabi peas playing havoc with my tear ducts.

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Well, you have had five packets, Geoff.

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Yeah, thanks for buying those, Kate.

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You are treating me like Emperor Hirohito.

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No worries.

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Although, ironically, I do feel like I'm under a nuclear attack.

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Probably find my shadow on the seat tomorrow morning.

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SEXUAL NOISES IN FILM

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FILM CHARACTERS SPEAK FRENCH

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SEXUAL NOISES IN FILM

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So, have you ever been with an older woman, Josh?

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Well, I spent a lot of time with my gran as a child.

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I reckon I could teach you a few things.

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It's always good to learn.

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I used to be a big fan of the BBC Early Learning Zone.

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I'd watch it when I couldn't get to sleep.

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That might be the case tonight.

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Why, are they repeating a special on stalactites?

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Have YOU got a stalactite?

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I'm sorry, I don't know.

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I can't remember which goes up and which goes down.

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Mites go up, so...

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-..TITES go down?

-Oh, you dirty dog.

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-Oh!

-Ding ding.

-What?

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Ready for round two, Lennox Lewis?

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Oh, I think it's a bit early for that kind of thing.

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Oh, by the looks of things, you're not wrong.

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-Where's it gone?

-It's very chilly, it's a draughty room.

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And if you're wondering where your pants are,

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one leg is on the floor and the other leg is in the corridor.

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Yeah, it's all coming back to me now.

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Someone's certainly earned themselves one shagger's breakfast.

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Ah, I've got things to be getting on with, so I should go.

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-It's your house.

-Yeah, of course it is.

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I tell you what, why don't I make us a fry-up,

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seeing as you've given me your bed, and a bit more?

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A couple of fried eggs.

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No, thank you.

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Cos you know I'm always up for sausage, don't you?

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-OK.

-Maybe we could even experiment with hash brown.

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Oh, no thanks, very much not my scene.

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We'll see.

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You do realise those were all innuendos, right?

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Yeah, I got that.

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Here he is, the thinking man's Darren Day.

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Yes, I know.

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Heard about some of the things you got up to, mate.

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Valerie called Karen as soon as she left.

0:15:360:15:39

Do you want me to talk to Geoff

0:15:390:15:40

-about fixing the draught in your room?

-God, it was intense.

0:15:400:15:43

Felt like when I was moved up a year in maths,

0:15:430:15:45

I didn't have enough buttons on my calculator.

0:15:450:15:47

I never had you down as such a goer.

0:15:470:15:48

I'm on the rebound, I had a one-night stand, we've all done it.

0:15:480:15:51

What do you mean, one-night stand? We're all going out again tonight.

0:15:510:15:54

-No, we are not.

-Yes, we are, I've promised Karen -

0:15:540:15:56

she'll kill me if you let her down.

0:15:560:15:58

Let me talk to her, she can ask Valerie to go easy on you.

0:15:580:16:00

Go easy on me? She's not the Harlem Globetrotters.

0:16:000:16:03

They're both on the veterans' circuit, mate.

0:16:030:16:05

No, I'm not cut out for this.

0:16:050:16:06

If I'm honest with you, it just made me miss Gemma more.

0:16:060:16:09

Hmm.

0:16:090:16:10

Would it change your mind if I offered to split the booty?

0:16:100:16:13

I do not want to be custard cousins.

0:16:130:16:15

No, I'm talking about giving you some of the things Karen gives me.

0:16:150:16:17

Some of the really good stuff.

0:16:170:16:19

I'm not interested in Audley Harrison's...

0:16:190:16:21

Oh, my God, is that what I think it is?

0:16:210:16:23

One England shirt, match-worn, by Teddy Sheringham at Euro '96.

0:16:230:16:27

-You are kidding me.

-No lie.

0:16:270:16:29

Euro '96, I mean, he was three years away from his treble-winning pomp.

0:16:290:16:33

Great memories, but where were Wales?

0:16:330:16:35

I can already feel the extra yard in my head.

0:16:350:16:37

Go on, then, have a swing.

0:16:370:16:39

You know what that is? Setting up the third goal against Holland.

0:16:390:16:42

Danny Blind woefully out of position.

0:16:420:16:44

-Do you want to keep it?

-Yes.

0:16:440:16:46

Then be ready for seven, Teddy.

0:16:460:16:48

DOORBELL RINGS

0:16:520:16:53

-Geoff.

-Morning, Kate.

0:17:000:17:02

-These are for you.

-Oh, thank you.

0:17:020:17:05

-You seem in a very good mood.

-I am.

0:17:050:17:07

Because of yesterday, and I wanted to say thank you.

0:17:070:17:10

I can't remember the last time I had someone listen to me like that.

0:17:100:17:13

Oh, that's good to hear.

0:17:130:17:15

Actually, I tell a lie, I can. It was the 15th of October, 1987.

0:17:150:17:19

-OK.

-The night of the great storm.

0:17:190:17:22

One handsome balloon seller, Geoff Jefferies,

0:17:220:17:25

had just lost his entire stock in five brutal seconds.

0:17:250:17:28

I stood crying, watching 16 Roland Rats gathering pace

0:17:280:17:32

above the pier when a soft gentle female hand cupped mine

0:17:320:17:36

and took me to the pub.

0:17:360:17:38

And she sat me by the fire and we drank all night,

0:17:380:17:40

before she kissed me goodbye and ventured out into the storm.

0:17:400:17:44

Aw. That's beautiful.

0:17:450:17:47

Unfortunately, it was at that point I realised she'd nicked my wallet.

0:17:470:17:51

-Oh.

-And my helium pump.

0:17:510:17:53

Oh. Well, suppose you didn't need it any more.

0:17:530:17:56

Oh, I still enjoy a funny voice as much as the next person.

0:17:560:17:59

Anyway, I'm rambling. I'll cut to the chase.

0:17:590:18:02

Kate, spending time with you yesterday, it was very nice.

0:18:040:18:08

And the scales fell from my eyes

0:18:080:18:10

and it got me thinking that a life shared is a life lived.

0:18:100:18:14

And I... I need to make this happen.

0:18:140:18:17

-Right.

-Can I read you something?

0:18:180:18:21

Er....

0:18:210:18:22

if you want to.

0:18:220:18:23

In love with a special woman, beautiful and kind

0:18:320:18:34

Her words of wisdom soothed me, and what a nice behind

0:18:340:18:39

One night was all I had with that pure and perfect dove

0:18:390:18:44

I wish to take her by the hand, for she's my one true piano.

0:18:440:18:48

That should obviously be "love,"

0:18:500:18:51

but I used that fridge magnet in the first verse.

0:18:510:18:54

The point is, there's this person...

0:18:540:18:56

-I see.

-And I want to tell her how I feel.

0:18:560:18:59

No! No, no, no.

0:18:590:19:01

Don't do that.

0:19:010:19:02

In my experience, it's best to just bottle these things up.

0:19:020:19:05

I've bottled up too much, Kate.

0:19:050:19:07

I'm like an Oddbins in here.

0:19:070:19:08

Geoff, you know what? I've got things to get on with.

0:19:080:19:10

So, my advice is, go home, bury your feelings, and enjoy your life.

0:19:100:19:13

Didn't you like the poem? It was the piano, wasn't it?

0:19:130:19:15

-I could change that.

-Geoff, a life without love is a life without pain.

0:19:150:19:19

Ow!

0:19:190:19:21

Sorry.

0:19:210:19:22

-LAUGHING:

-I can't believe you went on a date with Geoff!

0:19:230:19:26

It was not a date, I just took him out

0:19:260:19:27

to apologise for my offensive e-mail.

0:19:270:19:29

Although, here's my problem - after one evening in my company,

0:19:290:19:32

-he has inevitably fallen in love with me.

-Ah, congratulations.

0:19:320:19:36

Your first ever successful date.

0:19:360:19:38

I mean, who can blame a man like him falling for a girl like me?

0:19:380:19:41

It's the ultimate Beauty And The Beast story.

0:19:410:19:42

Yeah, I don't think Disney are going to turn this one into a cartoon,

0:19:420:19:45

-Kate.

-Oh, come on, they'll take anything.

0:19:450:19:47

We've all seen Chicken Little.

0:19:470:19:49

Oh, come on, let it go, that movie was fine.

0:19:490:19:52

Do you know who was in the cinema when I saw Chicken Little?

0:19:520:19:54

Ralf Little. And then, three seats away from me,

0:19:540:19:56

I saw the ex-Aston Villa manager, Brian Little.

0:19:560:19:59

I thought, "I wonder if the Odeon

0:19:590:20:00

"are doing some sort of deal or something."

0:20:000:20:02

Owen, I don't care. My issue is Geoff.

0:20:020:20:05

He's had a taste of the sweet, sweet honey.

0:20:050:20:06

If I tell him I'm cutting it off now, it's going to destroy him.

0:20:060:20:09

You do realise that nobody's that into honey?

0:20:090:20:11

Well, they should be. It's an excellent sugar substitute,

0:20:110:20:13

and it's packed with antioxidants. That's what makes it so sticky.

0:20:130:20:16

That's not true, is it?

0:20:160:20:17

Listen, the way I see it, you've got one option.

0:20:170:20:19

You've already crushed his tiny heart via e-mail once.

0:20:190:20:22

You need to do it again, but this time, face-to-face.

0:20:220:20:25

Oh, no, I can't. I can't face the guilt.

0:20:250:20:27

Oh, here's an idea.

0:20:270:20:29

You come on too strong and you scare him off.

0:20:290:20:31

It's worked with literally every other man you've met.

0:20:310:20:33

OWEN LAUGHS

0:20:330:20:34

Here we go.

0:20:380:20:40

An original 1977 Kevin Keegan's Brut.

0:20:400:20:43

Karen says this stuff's like catnip.

0:20:430:20:45

Though it was tested on animals,

0:20:450:20:47

so probably best not to think too hard about that.

0:20:470:20:49

Whoa, smell that!

0:20:490:20:52

Those rabbits must have been irresistible.

0:20:520:20:54

Oh, that is awful.

0:20:540:20:55

-Oh, God. Give it a rest, Adolf Hitler.

-What?

0:20:550:20:57

I'm trying to think of a famous vegetarian.

0:20:570:20:59

That wasn't his defining characteristic.

0:20:590:21:01

I hope you're going to be cheerier than this on the date.

0:21:010:21:04

Look, just to be clear,

0:21:040:21:05

I'm coming for two drinks, and then I'm out of there.

0:21:050:21:07

I can't face having another one of Valerie's breakfasts.

0:21:070:21:10

A lot of guys would kill to be in your position.

0:21:100:21:13

Not this guy. This guy doesn't want to find out

0:21:130:21:15

what she means by "black pudding". DOORBELL RINGS

0:21:150:21:17

-Is Kate here?

-I think she's in her room.

0:21:190:21:21

She'll be delighted to see you,

0:21:210:21:23

-she's been talking about you nonstop, Geoff.

-I must speak to her.

0:21:230:21:26

PHONE VIBRATES Oh, my God, it's Gemma.

0:21:260:21:29

Hello?

0:21:300:21:32

Yeah, yeah, I've been fine, yeah.

0:21:320:21:34

Ask her if she knows what black pudding is.

0:21:340:21:35

Sorry about that. Yeah, no, you're correct,

0:21:350:21:38

although I think it's mainly oatmeal.

0:21:380:21:40

Haggis? No, I've not tried it.

0:21:410:21:43

Yeah, yeah, cos I'm vegetarian.

0:21:430:21:44

Oh, Morrissey's on the phone.

0:21:440:21:46

What, right now? Yeah, yeah, of course, yeah.

0:21:460:21:49

All right, see you then. Brilliant!

0:21:500:21:53

Who was that? Linda McCartney?

0:21:530:21:54

Better reference.

0:21:540:21:56

Gemma wants to come round and talk.

0:21:560:21:58

-I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to cancel tonight.

-Oh, what?

0:21:580:22:00

Can you just tell Valerie that I've got to attend an important function?

0:22:000:22:04

Come on, mate, you're not Ban Ki-moon.

0:22:040:22:05

Listen, if you're going to dump Valerie,

0:22:050:22:07

just be a man - say it like it is.

0:22:070:22:09

No, you're right. I'll tell her I need some space.

0:22:090:22:11

Ugh.

0:22:110:22:13

Kate, the time has come for me to uncork my feelings.

0:22:130:22:16

No, keep the cork in, let the wine mature.

0:22:160:22:18

It's too late, the corkscrew's out.

0:22:180:22:20

I'm twisting the bottle. Its little arms are in the air.

0:22:200:22:23

No, you need to keep everything bottled up.

0:22:230:22:25

Imagine your feelings like a little ship inside a bottle.

0:22:250:22:27

I can't, I... How do they make those?

0:22:270:22:30

I know, it's amazing, isn't it?

0:22:300:22:32

I suppose if the masts bend or something.

0:22:320:22:34

Yeah, I imagine the rigging's on a hinge.

0:22:340:22:35

Yeah, that would do it, rigging on a hinge, yeah.

0:22:350:22:37

You're distracting me. Kate, I'm in love.

0:22:370:22:40

-I don't see you in that way.

-What?

0:22:400:22:43

Look, I was just being extra nice because I felt bad about the e-mail.

0:22:440:22:47

And I flashed you this beguiling smile and looked at you

0:22:470:22:50

-with these huge eyes and...

-What e-mail?

0:22:500:22:54

My reply to your e-mail about the energy-saving light bulbs.

0:22:540:22:58

Sorry, I haven't got a clue what you're talking about.

0:22:580:23:00

I have all e-mails from tenants automatically forwarded to junk.

0:23:000:23:03

No, but you said you were sad about a message.

0:23:030:23:05

Yes, I'd been dumped.

0:23:050:23:07

-What, by who?

-By the most wonderful woman in the world.

0:23:070:23:10

We met on the number 29.

0:23:100:23:12

Both reached for the same pole, next stop, love.

0:23:120:23:15

If you discount all the stops on the way to Wood Green.

0:23:150:23:17

Well, what happened next?

0:23:170:23:19

She dumped me.

0:23:190:23:21

And then, for some reason, you took me to a French porn film.

0:23:210:23:23

No, it's the real deal,

0:23:270:23:29

apparently he wore it in Euro '96 against Holland.

0:23:290:23:31

Set up the third goal, Danny Blind woefully out of position.

0:23:310:23:34

Oh, God, you're great. you know so many facts.

0:23:340:23:37

Can't believe you won this in a raffle.

0:23:370:23:39

I know! It's hard to believe, isn't it?

0:23:390:23:42

Here's a fact. Did you know Teddy Sheringham was the Premier League's

0:23:420:23:45

oldest ever outfield player?

0:23:450:23:47

40 years, 272 days.

0:23:470:23:49

Oh, my God, it is so good to see you.

0:23:490:23:51

I'm sorry about what happened. I just needed some space.

0:23:560:23:59

And time to think?

0:23:590:24:01

-Yeah, time to think.

-That's what I thought.

0:24:010:24:04

DOORBELL RINGS KNOCK AT DOOR

0:24:050:24:09

Oh, ignore that, it's probably just Jehovah's Witnesses.

0:24:090:24:12

DOORBELL RINGS KNOCK AT DOOR

0:24:120:24:13

Very keen to spread the word.

0:24:130:24:15

-VALERIE:

-Come on, Josh, I know you're in there.

0:24:150:24:18

-They know your name?

-Oh, they've probably just got a database.

0:24:180:24:20

DOORBELL RINGS KNOCK AT DOOR

0:24:200:24:22

Josh, I think you should...

0:24:220:24:24

OK, fine, I'll go and sort it.

0:24:240:24:26

KNOCKING CONTINUES

0:24:270:24:30

Oh, look, there he is, my date for the evening.

0:24:300:24:32

Ah, Valerie, did you get my text?

0:24:320:24:34

I don't like being stood up, Josh.

0:24:340:24:35

I think there's been a misunderstanding.

0:24:350:24:37

Oh, I understand perfectly.

0:24:370:24:38

No, Valerie, no. No, Valerie!

0:24:380:24:40

-And who are you?

-Hi, I'm Gemma, Josh's girlfriend.

0:24:400:24:44

Bloody hell, you move fast.

0:24:440:24:46

I was only making you breakfast 12 hours ago.

0:24:460:24:48

Breakfast? Josh, who is this?

0:24:480:24:50

Oh, she works at the local cafe, and I think she's having a breakdown.

0:24:500:24:55

Works in the local cafe?

0:24:550:24:56

Is that an innuendo?

0:24:560:24:58

Actually, I can tell you it's not,

0:24:580:24:59

cos I wrote the bloody book on them.

0:24:590:25:01

Did he happen to mention that last night we had the full English,

0:25:010:25:04

and by that I mean sex?

0:25:040:25:06

Josh, what the hell is going on?

0:25:060:25:08

No, you have to remember you said you needed some space,

0:25:080:25:11

and that is shorthand for dumping someone.

0:25:110:25:13

You told ME you needed some space!

0:25:130:25:15

You little shit.

0:25:150:25:16

Is this what you meant by trying something new?

0:25:160:25:18

No, I was just very confused, and people kept telling me

0:25:180:25:21

to get back on the horse. And that is not an innuendo, Valerie.

0:25:210:25:25

-It is.

-I can't believe you've cheated on me.

0:25:250:25:27

Look, I tried to explain...

0:25:270:25:29

Oh, hey guys, just in time to catch a two-timer red-handed.

0:25:290:25:31

Gemma. Valerie.

0:25:310:25:33

-Oh, dear.

-Er, excuse me, Owen,

0:25:330:25:36

what is SHE doing wearing the Teddy Sheringham shirt I gave you?

0:25:360:25:39

You've been selling on my merch?

0:25:390:25:41

No, this is Josh's.

0:25:410:25:42

You gave it to Josh? Why?

0:25:420:25:44

Because I wanted him to go out with Valerie.

0:25:460:25:48

You were paid to sleep with me?

0:25:490:25:51

No, he gave it to me afterwards.

0:25:510:25:52

I don't care if the money was paid up front or in lieu.

0:25:520:25:55

You're making me wear the trophy you were paid for sex with?

0:25:550:25:59

What kind of a pervert are you?

0:25:590:26:00

Quite a pedestrian one, actually.

0:26:000:26:02

What the hell is going on in here?

0:26:020:26:04

Oh, another member of your harem.

0:26:040:26:06

Valerie!

0:26:060:26:07

-Geoff?

-What are you doing here? Have you come to win me back?

0:26:070:26:11

Kate, this is Valerie, the woman I was telling you about.

0:26:110:26:13

I tell you what, Josh.

0:26:130:26:14

Here's a man who didn't say no to a bit of hash brown.

0:26:140:26:17

-I love a good breakfast, me.

-And the rest.

0:26:170:26:20

Oh, it's good to see, Valerie. I've missed you.

0:26:200:26:23

Course you have, Geoff.

0:26:230:26:24

Come on, you can take me for coffee.

0:26:240:26:26

Do you actually mean coffee this time?

0:26:260:26:28

No, of course I don't. You like black pudding, don't you?

0:26:280:26:31

Oh, my God.

0:26:340:26:36

You and Geoff are custard cousins!

0:26:370:26:39

# Valerie

0:26:410:26:44

# Call on me

0:26:440:26:45

# Call on me... #

0:26:450:26:47

LOUD CHEWING

0:26:470:26:50

Mmm.

0:26:520:26:53

-Hash brown?

-Oh, God.

0:26:550:26:58

Suit yourself.

0:26:580:27:00

# Love songs fill the night

0:27:040:27:08

# But they don't tell it all

0:27:080:27:11

# Not how lovers cry out

0:27:120:27:15

# Just like they're dying

0:27:160:27:19

# Her cries hang there

0:27:220:27:24

# In time, somewhere... #

0:27:250:27:28

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