Share and Share Alike Josh


Share and Share Alike

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Mate, it is the tightest thing I've ever seen in my life.

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No, we're going for a curry and to the pub,

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and I'm already in my overdraft.

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-It's common sense.

-Oh, come on!

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Nobody saves money by microwaving their own poppadoms at home.

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I bloody love this place, though.

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The only good thing Geoff has ever done is recommend it to us.

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Do you know, it is Emma Bunton's local Indian?

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-No way! Have you seen her in there?

-Ha! And the rest, mate.

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-We had a meal together there once.

-Yeah, course you did, mate(!)

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Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what?

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Me and Emma Bunton had more in common than you'd think, actually.

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Cast-iron stomachs being one of those things.

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Just became a night of one-upmanship in the end, you know,

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a race to the top of the Scoville scale.

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She won, though. Got to hand it to her.

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She ate a rogan josh that was 100% chillies.

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How is that still a rogan josh?

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Do you know what Spice Up Your Life is really about?

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-What?

-The versatility of tamarind.

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-No, it isn't!

-And if you play it backwards,

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there's some very derogatory things about peshwari naan.

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Good to see business is booming(!)

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Well, I guess most people are still at home microwaving their poppadoms.

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Hello.

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-Hey.

-Oh, hello, mate.

-Hi.

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Er, we reserved a table under Owen James.

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Booked it about a week ago.

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Er, James is J-A-M-E-S. Owen is, er...

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We don't have you. Sorry.

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Hey, are you a comedian?

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Oh, yeah, yeah. I am, yeah.

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It's just, I saw you at the Chuckle Lounge last week and it wasn't obvious.

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-OWEN LAUGHS

-Oh!

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Your performance had more dips than a poppadom tray.

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Yes, good one.

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That's a good review. You should try doing stand-up yourself.

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-Well, if he can.

-Look, have you got a table or not?

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Yeah, sure. Er, just sit anywhere.

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Oh, OK. Mm...

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Too romantic, too draughty, too near the window.

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Now, when it comes to toilet proximity, I don't really mind it, actually.

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-Look, shall we just go there?

-Oh, yeah, fine, OK.

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-Thank you.

-Thank you very much.

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Large Cobra, 660 mils - that's more than a pint.

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Do you want to share a...?

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I'm not sharing a Cobra.

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Can we order some drinks, please?

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-Yeah, can we get some drinks?

-Extra chutney, as requested. Enjoy.

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-Thank you very much, mate.

-See you later.

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Oh, well, that's the most amazingly racist thing I've ever seen.

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No, I wasn't being racist. It was just where he stood.

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It was nothing to do with race.

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Oh, yeah, so if he'd been white,

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-would you have still ordered drinks?

-Yes.

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Yes, right, OK.

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Oh! Go on, then.

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Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

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Oh, there you go. Point proven.

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Do you not recognise who that is? That's Danny and Natalie from university.

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-They're the most annoying couple in the world.

-Oh, yeah, so it is.

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Please don't see us.

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Come on! Looks like I've gone for a curry with Dumbo.

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I can't believe they've been together since uni. That is amazing.

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I mean, did she not hear about him constantly shagging around?

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It was the talk of halls.

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Well, that and the time you got caught naked in the laundry room.

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That wasn't true.

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People said you tumble-dried your penis,

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-you know, that's why it's so small.

-It doesn't even make sense.

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If I got in the tumble dryer, all of me would've shrunk.

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Well, that was the other rumour.

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Anyway, he wasn't cheating on her. She was in on it.

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-They're in an open relationship.

-No?!

-Yes.

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That's not a thing in real life, is it?

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Course it is, you Victorian square!

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News flash do you realise people kiss with tongues nowadays? And they love it.

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No, they were both at it.

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Do you not notice how she spent all her spare time with Ben Green?

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Er, they were badminton doubles partners.

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Oh, wake up, Queen Victoria! That means that they were shagging.

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No normal people are actually badminton doubles partners.

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Me and Kate were badminton doubles partners.

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Yeah, well, my point stands.

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No, I'm sorry, I don't buy it.

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Although, do you reckon that's why she was always so weirdly touchy-feely with me?

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-What, you?!

-HE LAUGHS

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Good one, mate. She's in an open relationship, not on heat.

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No, she's just one of those people who's weirdly tactile, you know.

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Yeah, tell me about it. She was always squeezing my cheeks.

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I'm jowly, and she took full advantage.

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-Jowly Josh.

-Isn't that an Indian meal?

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Oh, mate, you need to leave it with the racism.

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Do you know what? We should join tables, catch up on old times.

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No, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry, I don't want to spend

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my evening putting my car keys in a bowl.

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They're not swingers, and you haven't got a car, anyway.

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I'm going to go for a piss, yeah? Mine's a small Cobra.

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Yeah, I know what it is - you tumble-dried it, mate.

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Where are you?

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I'm two minutes away. Can you order me a beer?

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No, not at this exact moment, no.

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TOILET FLUSHES

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Why the hell would you answer the phone? That is disgusting.

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-What?

-I might hear things.

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-What things?

-'Grunting.'

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-';I'm not Monica Seles.'

-Plopping.

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Plopping? Did you actually just say "plopping"?

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I mean, how dehydrated do you think I am?

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Oh, you're disgusting. What if I'd been FaceTiming you?

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Kate, the only people that FaceTime

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are long-distance lovers and mums who've pressed the wrong button.

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-They're big crisps.

-Yeah.

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-Poppadoms

-Yeah...

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Hello, mate. Over here!

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Oh, bollocks.

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LAUGHTER

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I can't believe we didn't see you come in.

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I know! Nearly missed out on an evening with little Joshie.

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-Yeah!

-Oh, look at that little face!

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How I've missed it.

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It's hard to miss it. Look at the size of it!

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I know. He is malleable.

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Look at that - it's like a Tempur mattress.

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Well, thank God Owen came over and said hi.

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-Yeah, thank God.

-I can't believe we've not seen you guys since uni.

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-No, amazing.

-I mean, you boys were hilarious.

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-Oh, so funny.

-What did you used to call them? Ant & Dec?

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-No, Dick and Dom.

-In the bungalow!

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So, what have, er, university's favourite power couple

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been up to since we saw you last?

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Well, she's moved the D-bomb into her house.

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Yeah, it gets her parents off her back a bit about settling down.

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-He loves it really.

-Oh, I do, I do.

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I get to talk to this one around the house all day long,

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and in the evening, I get to call her on Babestation.

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He's joking. He can't afford the premium numbers.

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I thought I recognised you, Natalie, or certain parts of you, anyway.

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-You dirty bastard, Owen!

-Oh, I'm joking.

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Oh, join in, Joshie!

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Yeah, come on. Join in, Josh.

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Right, I'm going to go for a fag, cleanse the palate. Nat, coming?

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-Er, Josh, do us a favour. When the, er... When the waiter comes over, can you order for us?

-OK.

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-The usual?

-Yeah, sounds good.

-Lamb balti, chicken vindaloo.

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-Two pilau rice, two naan.

-One garlic, one peshwari.

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-OK.

-Aloo chana, aloo gobi, Bombay aloo.

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-Two saag aloo?

-Yes, please.

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Thanks, babe.

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That is an absurd over-order -

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two mains, two rices, two naans, five separate potato dishes.

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Oh, he's always been flash.

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I am not splitting the bill. I am not paying for his spud binge.

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Maybe he should've boiled his own potatoes at home.

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Also, who orders a rice and a naan each?

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Just share like normal people.

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Well, you'd think with their lifestyle, they'd be up for sharing.

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I can't believe you pushed the tables together.

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Well, it's not my fault, mate. We just caught eyes.

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You went over to them.

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Yes, and that is when we caught eyes.

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Anyway, I dunno why you're complaining.

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I was wrong. Natalie definitely fancies you all that hair ruffling.

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-It's like she's prepping you for Crufts.

-Oh, come on!

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Seriously, mate. I can't believe it either, but you are in there.

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I don't want to be. Her boyfriend's sat right there.

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-All right, Sir Robert Peel.

-What?

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I'm just reiterating that you're a massive Victorian prude. Just accept it.

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That is how they live their life. They live their lives to the max.

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I wouldn't be surprised if they've gone outside just to have it off.

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-Don't be ridiculous.

-Yeah, well, that was Danny's tactic, wasn't it?

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Get somebody outside, you know, one-on-one,

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you know they're up for something more than a cigarette,

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cos the cigarette represents a penis,

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and then the mouth obviously represents the...

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-You know what the mouth...

-Yeah, I get it, yeah.

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Do you want to know what smoke rings represent?

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-No, I'm OK.

-I'm so sorry I'm late.

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I couldn't find my wallet anywhere.

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-Are you all right to shout me this?

-Yes.

-No.

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You're not going to believe who I saw outside.

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Danny and Natalie.

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Yes! God, it was awkward.

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Why was it awkward? They're an absolute hoot.

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Oh, surely I've told you this?

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Basically, I bumped into Danny on a night out last year,

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and cut a long story short, we slept together.

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-Ah, inevitable.

-You slept with Danny?

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Oh, chill out, Benjamin Disraeli.

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-Yeah, there was nothing dodgy about it.

-He wears an Alice band.

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Yeah, he takes it off.

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We were just in the same nightclub and we were just, you know,

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flirting a little bit, and I was... I was teaching him this trick,

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which is basically like a high five,

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but you watch the elbows as you walk past and you come down, do low five.

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Bam-bam.

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Bam-bam. You know the one?

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-Yeah, yeah, the turbo five.

-Yeah. Basically, like,

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after the low five, he held on to my hand and we went home and had sex.

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It's a tale as old as time.

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Yeah. I mean, it was fine.

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He was very clear they were in an open relationship.

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-Oh, you see? He has carte blanche.

-Oh!

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He did not have carte blanche.

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I was very clear in the club about what I would and wouldn't do.

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Bloody hell, you guys are already up and running, aren't you?!

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Oh, God.

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Oh, no. Please tell me you're not sitting with them?

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It wasn't my fault. We just...caught eyes.

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Ohh...

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I know what I like. I haven't used a menu for ten years.

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-No way!

-Believe it, brother.

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I like everything on here,

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but then with my steel stomach, I've got carte blanche.

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What about you, Kate? Are you up for everything? Same for you, Danny?

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-You got...? You got carte blanche?

-I love India.

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I think visiting really had a profound effect on me.

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Well, you lost half a stone.

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Look, the thing about India is, she - and she is a she -

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really spoke to me, and it's a conversation I'm still having.

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-Endlessly.

-What did you think about the food?

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Oh, I mean, I loved the food, but I can handle my spice.

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Whoa, what are you on about?

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You break into a sweat when you have a Peperami.

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Hey, Nat, get this - Kate's been to India as well.

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Oh, the experiences you two have got in common, eh?

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-So, did you enjoy India, Natalie?

-Oh, loved it.

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-Absolutely loved it.

-What did you think of India, Danny?

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He didn't go. I, er, travelled solo.

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But it's great, cos you just get there and you meet people and you buddy up.

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LAUGHTER

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I'd be really good in India, I think.

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-No, you wouldn't.

-Well...

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Yes, I would. You know, steel stomach.

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Interesting fact for you, though.

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The only Indian food I cannot cope with - mango chutney.

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Oh! Too sweet?

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Absolutely not. No, no. I had an awful experience.

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I was having a late-night biryani,

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and who should walk in - three fifths of Spandau Ballet.

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-DANNY:

-Top boys, yeah.

-Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

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But cut to ten minutes later,

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Martin Kemp throwing up a whole ramekin of the stuff.

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-No.

-Awful. Awful, yeah. I mean, in fairness to him, he'd had

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a bad poppadom, it's happened to all of us, but still.

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-Bless him. Bless him.

-Horrendous scenes.

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-That didn't happen.

-Yes, it did, mate, cos believe it or not,

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some people have their poppadoms in the restaurant.

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-Ready to order?

-Yes.

-Yep, yep. So, er...

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-Lamb balti, chicken vindaloo...

-Two pilau rice, two naan.

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One garlic, one peshwari.

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-Aloo chana, aloo gobi, Bombay aloo.

-And two saag aloo.

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So, set menu D?

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Sir?

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Er, could I get the vegetable korma?

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DAN SNIGGERS

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And is anyone up for sharing a naan?

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No? I'm happy to go peshwari, garlic or plain?

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OK, would anyone like to share a rice?

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Happy to go mushroom, pilau or boiled.

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No takers?

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-Do you do a half rice?

-No.

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-It says here you do a children's rice. Could I get the...?

-No.

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Oh, actually, Josh, you can come in on my rice, if you want.

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I'll get a whole rice for myself.

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And, um, if I can't finish it, can I get a doggy bag?

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And you, sir?

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Er, could I have plain naan, plain rice, and chicken vindaloo, please?

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Can you make it extra spicy? I want to feel the burn.

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Ohh! Sorry about my Western Philistine friend.

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Um, for me, er, what curry are you making for the staff today?

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Think I'll have that.

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Staff curry's always the best curry. It's made in the true Indian way.

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The other stuff on the menu's just softened for the Western palate.

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You know, stuff like chicken vindaloo.

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Can I change my order to what she's having, please?

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But can you really, really not hold back? Um, sort of make it hotter than hers.

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Brave man. You'll be dying on your arse tomorrow.

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Much like your friend when he goes on stage.

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ALL LAUGH Yes, I get it.

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If only the audience had.

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-Oh, yes!

-Yes, good one.

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So, is that all?

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Actually, I'll get mine with a side of mango chutney,

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which any Indian food connoisseur loves.

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Coming right up.

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-PHONE RINGS

-Oh.

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Yep. Got to get this one. It's my tailor.

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Having some condoms loosened.

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ALL LAUGH

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I'll leave you guys to mull over how big it is, but just to give you

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a clue, when I go camping, needs its own sleeping bag.

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ALL LAUGH

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She knows.

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He's joking.

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We never go camping!

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ALL LAUGH

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Anyway, it's not about size, is it, Josh? It's what you do with it that counts.

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LAUGHS I dunno.

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Got any views on, er, what size Danny's condoms are, Kate?

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Er, I'm just going to nip to the loo, actually, before the food arrives.

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Yes, me, too, actually.

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Oh, cheer up. I was only joking.

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You know that no-one really believed the rumour about the tumble dryer?

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-That's a relief.

-And, er,

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what does your girlfriend think of the tumble dryer story?

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I don't have a girlfriend.

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Oh! Little Joshie!

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Well, look, remember, romance could be just around the corner.

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-That's nice.

-Could be anyone.

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Could be somebody here tonight, even. Boop-boop.

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I dunno why people even go to India.

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I mean, if it's a tan you're after, I got this from Boots for 30 quid.

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Plus, got one of their chicken tikka sandwiches,

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so I was practically there anyway!

0:13:360:13:38

So, what brings you guys here? You haven't moved to the area, have you?

0:13:380:13:42

Well, we actually came to this restaurant ten years ago, on our first date.

0:13:420:13:46

-No way! Is this your 10th anniversary?

-BOTH: Yeah.

0:13:460:13:49

Oh, well, how about a bottle of champagne? It's on us, isn't it, guys?

0:13:490:13:52

Or...better idea. Prosecco.

0:13:520:13:54

I saw a blind taste test on This Morning

0:13:540:13:57

and Holly Willoughby actually preferred the prosecco.

0:13:570:13:59

Yeah, it's fascinating.

0:13:590:14:02

One bottle of champagne, please, waiter!

0:14:020:14:05

Actually, because it's your special day, we shouldn't impinge.

0:14:050:14:08

-No, we'll leave you to it.

-Yeah, of course. My God, so rude.

-No!

0:14:080:14:11

No, no, no, no. The more the merrier that's our attitude.

0:14:110:14:13

Yeah! After ten years together, we tend to get bored of each other!

0:14:130:14:16

-Oi-oi!

-Don't worry, I've got this.

0:14:180:14:22

-Does anybody have a samurai sword?

-No, Owen.

0:14:220:14:25

OK, I'll go traditional, then.

0:14:250:14:26

Oh, you're kidding.

0:14:260:14:28

No, no. I, er, sliced open a whole magnum in '08.

0:14:280:14:31

Flew over to Tokyo to play the new Mario Kart a day ahead of release.

0:14:310:14:35

No, I mean, look who it is.

0:14:350:14:36

Hello. I'm here to pick up an Indian takeaway for one

0:14:360:14:39

under the name of Geoff Jeffries.

0:14:390:14:41

Oh, God, keep your heads down.

0:14:410:14:42

-Who's that?

-Shh!

0:14:420:14:43

CORK POPS CHEERING

0:14:430:14:46

-All right!

-Hello, guys.

0:14:470:14:50

-Hello, Geoff.

-Don't open the champagne on my accord.

0:14:500:14:52

Do you fancy a glass?

0:14:520:14:54

Well, I was looking forward to a Saturday night of chicken dhansak

0:14:540:14:57

and Michael Portillo's Great British Railway Journeys,

0:14:570:15:00

but I suppose the East Coast Mainline can wait.

0:15:000:15:03

Where shall I sit?

0:15:050:15:07

I mean, he must travel off-peak, or book in advance,

0:15:130:15:16

otherwise his rail fare would be astronomical.

0:15:160:15:20

Thinking about it, he must book off-peak,

0:15:220:15:24

because he always manages to get a seat to himself.

0:15:240:15:28

I've never seen him sat in the vestibule.

0:15:280:15:30

Sorry, who is Michael Portillo?

0:15:300:15:33

Ha!

0:15:330:15:34

You know, he explores Britain on a train. He's married to Diane Abbott.

0:15:340:15:37

He wears bright trousers and he's got a squidgy face.

0:15:370:15:40

Well, he's not the only one with a squidgy face!

0:15:400:15:44

Marshmallow man! Room for another one there, Josh?

0:15:440:15:46

-No, absolutely not. No.

-Oh, go on, mate. It's our anniversary. Come on.

0:15:460:15:49

-Ah... It's your anniversary? That's lovely.

-Yeah, ten years today.

0:15:490:15:52

-Congratulations. I once spent an anniversary here.

-Oh, really?

0:15:520:15:56

-Yeah. Painful memories.

-Oh. Are you not with her any more?

0:15:560:16:00

I wasn't with her on the night. She didn't turn up.

0:16:000:16:04

-I dined alone...

-HE SIGHS

0:16:040:16:05

...with just my memories for company.

0:16:050:16:08

Oh, well, sorry to hear that, mate.

0:16:080:16:10

I ordered a dish for every month we'd been together.

0:16:100:16:13

Chicken dhansak, naan bread...

0:16:130:16:16

You were only together two months?

0:16:190:16:21

Yeah, it was lucky, really. I wasn't that hungry.

0:16:210:16:24

-That's everything.

-Thank you.

0:16:250:16:27

Right, let's dig in, shall we?

0:16:270:16:29

-I think we may have over-ordered again, Nat.

-Do you think?

0:16:290:16:32

-No, feel free to just tuck in, guys.

-Yeah, please.

-We've got loads of food here.

0:16:320:16:35

OK. Thank you.

0:16:350:16:37

I haven't been this excited about the potency of chilli

0:16:370:16:39

since I had Ivan Zamorano at France '98.

0:16:390:16:42

-Oh, want some mango chutney, Owen?

-Oh, get away from me.

0:16:420:16:44

-Oooh!

-No, seriously, Kate! I told you about Martin Kemp!

0:16:440:16:46

Oh! Can't handle his chutney doesn't bode well.

0:16:460:16:50

Good luck with the chef's special, mate. That should be interesting.

0:16:500:16:52

All right, bring it on.

0:16:520:16:54

Oh. Knife and fork - so Western.

0:16:540:16:56

You know, in India they actually eat with their hands? Nature's fork.

0:16:560:17:00

Ow.

0:17:000:17:02

I am pretty sure they use a bread for that, though, Kate.

0:17:020:17:04

I made that mistake in India

0:17:040:17:05

when I was down there exploring the buy-to-let market in Mumbai.

0:17:050:17:09

I, er, ended up burning my palms.

0:17:090:17:12

I mistakenly dipped straight into a saucepan of tarka dhal.

0:17:120:17:15

I couldn't high five for a week.

0:17:150:17:16

Tell you who's got a good high five trick, is Kate.

0:17:160:17:19

-Er, has she shown it to you, Danny?

-Mm?

0:17:190:17:21

Owen! Stop with your delaying tactics.

0:17:210:17:23

-Too scared to try your curry?

-No.

0:17:230:17:25

Mm.

0:17:270:17:29

Mm! Oh!

0:17:290:17:30

Oh, that is lovely.

0:17:320:17:33

-Yeah, that's really nice.

-Mm.

0:17:330:17:35

-Are you all right there, Kate?

-Mm. Yes, that is...

0:17:350:17:38

That... That is lovely.

0:17:380:17:40

I'm just going to have a little bit of mango chutney with it,

0:17:400:17:43

to bring out the spices, cos I'm loving it so much.

0:17:430:17:45

Actually, I'm just going to have a whole spoonful, just to really...

0:17:450:17:49

You OK there, Kate? You're really working up a sweat.

0:17:490:17:51

It's not the first time that's been said!

0:17:510:17:53

Yeah... No, I'm fine.

0:17:550:17:57

Give it up, Kate. This is pathetic.

0:18:050:18:07

Yeah, seriously, Kate, I think you just dripped in your curry.

0:18:070:18:10

-Everything OK with your meal, guys?

-Yes, absolutely lovely, thanks.

0:18:100:18:14

Yeah, this is lovely.

0:18:140:18:17

But can I get...? Can I get a pint of mulk?

0:18:170:18:20

-What, sorry?

-Pint of mulk.

0:18:200:18:22

-I think she's trying to say milk.

-A glass of milk?

0:18:220:18:25

Pint.

0:18:250:18:26

Oh, dear.

0:18:260:18:28

No, actually, cos it's traditional, cos cows are sacred.

0:18:280:18:32

Right.

0:18:320:18:33

So, Geoff, how do you know the good, the bad and the ugly, then?

0:18:340:18:37

I'm their landlord.

0:18:370:18:38

Oh, of course. So you're responsible for all the mod cons?

0:18:380:18:41

Do they have a tumble dryer?

0:18:410:18:42

I'm constantly round there fixing it.

0:18:440:18:46

Well, that can happen if you don't use it properly, Josh.

0:18:460:18:49

I had to take it apart to remove his inhaler from it the other day.

0:18:500:18:53

Oh, is that what you call it?

0:18:530:18:55

Well, I call mine my puffer. Well...

0:18:550:18:57

Geoff, just leave it, OK?

0:18:570:18:59

One pint of milk.

0:18:590:19:01

Can I get another glass of milk, please?

0:19:110:19:14

Oh. A palate as weak as your act.

0:19:140:19:17

LAUGHTER

0:19:170:19:20

Oh, Kate!

0:19:200:19:22

That is embarrassing.

0:19:220:19:24

No, it's not embarrassing, actually,

0:19:240:19:26

because, actually, when I was exploring in...

0:19:260:19:29

Oh, give it a rest, Ravi Shankar! You were never exploring India.

0:19:290:19:32

You went on a two-week holiday with your parents when you were 15.

0:19:320:19:35

You had to leave after 48 hours cos a chapati gave you the squits.

0:19:350:19:39

-That is not true!

-Yes, it is.

0:19:390:19:41

It was a pakora.

0:19:410:19:42

Hey, I'll tell you who can, er, cope with his hot curry. Rick Wakeman.

0:19:420:19:46

Right, I've had enough of your celebrity curry night shit.

0:19:460:19:48

No-one believes you.

0:19:480:19:49

Oh!

0:19:500:19:52

Hashtag awks.

0:19:520:19:55

Yeah, I'm sorry about that, guys. Sorry.

0:19:550:19:57

Hey, it's all right. Everybody gets stressed.

0:19:570:20:00

Do you know what? Why don't you come outside for a cigarette with me?

0:20:000:20:05

It might calm you down.

0:20:050:20:06

No, it's...it's not really my thing, sorry.

0:20:060:20:08

All right, well, you know where we are if you fancy it. Danny?

0:20:080:20:11

Yeah, yeah.

0:20:110:20:13

Ooh.

0:20:130:20:14

See?

0:20:180:20:19

You are seriously in there, mate. I told you.

0:20:190:20:22

And it's your fault.

0:20:220:20:24

I just came out for a reasonably priced curry with friends,

0:20:240:20:26

and I have to spend my evening fending off Natalie the man-eater.

0:20:260:20:29

Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, Josh,

0:20:290:20:31

but I think you'll find Danny and Natalie are in a relationship.

0:20:310:20:34

In an open relationship, Geoff.

0:20:340:20:36

Yeah, well, it's important to be open.

0:20:360:20:38

No, they sleep with other people.

0:20:380:20:40

-In a dorm?

-Why would they sleep in a dorm?

0:20:410:20:44

Saving money for a deposit?

0:20:440:20:46

If you're in a healthy, open relationship, that is the obvious next step.

0:20:460:20:50

No, Geoff, they have sex with other people.

0:20:500:20:52

Well, you just...you just said they were in a relationship.

0:20:520:20:54

No, that's what an open relationship is.

0:20:540:20:56

Danny had sex with Kate last year.

0:20:560:20:57

Yeah, and Josh is going to have sex with Natalie tonight.

0:20:570:21:00

No, I am not. Although there's nothing she'd like more.

0:21:000:21:02

So you and Kate are in open relationship?

0:21:020:21:05

BOTH: No!

0:21:050:21:06

Oh.

0:21:060:21:07

Danny and Natalie are very tanned, aren't they?

0:21:160:21:18

-They're fake tans, Geoff.

-Sorry?

0:21:180:21:21

It's sprayed on.

0:21:210:21:22

Well, I thought you weren't supposed to do that any more,

0:21:230:21:26

I thought it was meant to be offensive.

0:21:260:21:28

I learnt that the hard way at a fancy dress party.

0:21:280:21:31

I went as 200-metre runner John Regis.

0:21:310:21:33

No, not like that, Geoff.

0:21:330:21:34

Bit of a gamble coming in here, of all places, like that.

0:21:340:21:38

Shh, here they come.

0:21:390:21:41

So, er, Michael Portillo had to get a rail replacement bus service.

0:21:410:21:45

No, I'm... I don't remember that episode.

0:21:450:21:48

Have a naan bread, Natalie.

0:21:480:21:50

-Oh, no, I'm already, thanks, babe.

-No, go on.

0:21:500:21:52

-No, I said I'm fine.

-Please.

0:21:520:21:54

No.

0:21:560:21:58

Peshwari.

0:21:580:21:59

All right.

0:21:590:22:01

Oh...

0:22:040:22:05

Now, ten years ago to this very day,

0:22:050:22:09

I met the most wonderful woman in the world.

0:22:090:22:12

-The Queen?

-Geoff!

0:22:120:22:14

I was hoping to do this as a one-on-one, but it is with unexpected joy

0:22:140:22:18

that I get to share this moment with friends.

0:22:180:22:21

Natalie...

0:22:220:22:23

will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?

0:22:230:22:26

-Of course I will!

-Yes!

0:22:280:22:30

Wow. Well, this calls for more champagne, I think.

0:22:300:22:34

Or we could just get prosecco?

0:22:340:22:36

This is lovely! To Danny and Natalie.

0:22:360:22:39

- Cheers! - To Danny and Natalie.

0:22:390:22:41

Woo-woo-woo!

0:22:410:22:44

I must say, I can't imagine being in an open relationship myself,

0:22:440:22:46

but each to their own.

0:22:460:22:48

Sorry, why do you think we're in an open relationship?

0:22:500:22:53

Oh, no, Josh told me.

0:22:530:22:54

Sorry, Josh, why do you think that?

0:22:560:22:58

Well, you are, aren't you?

0:22:580:23:00

Er, no. Course we're not!

0:23:000:23:02

-But that's what Owen told me...

-Hey, don't drag me into this, mate!

0:23:020:23:06

So, you're not going to sleep with Natalie?

0:23:060:23:07

Sorry, mate. You thought you were in there with my fiancee?

0:23:070:23:10

No, this is just a misunderstanding.

0:23:100:23:13

Why would you say that?

0:23:130:23:14

Because you're so...

0:23:140:23:16

touchy-feely.

0:23:160:23:18

I am just a very tactile person.

0:23:190:23:21

I can't believe you think I'm the sort of girl who'd sleep around.

0:23:210:23:24

All right, well, what about earlier when you said

0:23:240:23:26

I might find romance with someone here tonight?

0:23:260:23:28

Clearly, I was talking about Kate.

0:23:280:23:31

Open your eyes!

0:23:310:23:32

She's the only person from uni as famously single as you are.

0:23:320:23:35

What, so you and Kate are together?

0:23:350:23:38

BOTH: No!

0:23:380:23:39

Right, let me get this straight.

0:23:390:23:41

You were in an open relationship last year, Danny?

0:23:410:23:44

-What?!

-I mean, Kate slept with you.

0:23:440:23:46

I'm just trying to catch up.

0:23:490:23:51

HE CHUCKLES

0:23:510:23:53

-What did he say?

-Don't listen to him.

0:23:550:23:57

-Yeah, well, why would he say that?

-Well, I don't know. He's probably...

0:23:570:24:00

Josh probably lied to him when he was bragging about

0:24:000:24:02

how much you fancied him. I dunno what his problem is.

0:24:020:24:04

Don't you get all judgey with me, mate.

0:24:040:24:06

I'm not the one who's been shagging around since university.

0:24:060:24:09

I just can't believe Kate fell for your story about being in an open relationship.

0:24:090:24:12

Kate?

0:24:140:24:15

Did you sleep with Danny?

0:24:170:24:19

Um...

0:24:210:24:22

Well...

0:24:220:24:25

Mm... No...

0:24:250:24:26

No, you see the thing is, he said you were in an open relationship.

0:24:260:24:30

Come on, babe.

0:24:320:24:34

Nat! Nat!

0:24:360:24:38

KATE GASPS

0:24:400:24:41

Oh! Oh, God!

0:24:410:24:43

Oh, God, it's spicy.

0:24:430:24:45

Well, maybe some milk will help.

0:24:450:24:47

Natalie!

0:24:490:24:51

CRUNCHING

0:25:010:25:02

Well, that was a short engagement.

0:25:050:25:07

I'd give it a couple of days before you make your move, Josh.

0:25:080:25:11

She'll need time to heal.

0:25:110:25:13

Anyway...

0:25:150:25:16

..best be off.

0:25:180:25:19

I have a date with Michael Portillo.

0:25:190:25:21

Not literally, obviously. We're not in an open relationsh...

0:25:210:25:24

Just watch the milk. It's a bit slippery.

0:25:310:25:33

Well, you do bring these things upon yourself, Kate.

0:25:400:25:43

-Piss off, Owen.

-Whoa!

0:25:430:25:45

OWEN COUGHS AND GAGS

0:25:450:25:48

No, no, no, no, no. No, Owen, don't! No!

0:25:480:25:51

Oh, what did I say?!

0:25:510:25:54

Oh, God! Owen!

0:25:540:25:56

Aloo chana, aloo gobi, Bombay aloo, two saag aloo...

0:25:580:26:02

We didn't order these. Those two weren't with us.

0:26:020:26:04

So, why were you sitting with them?

0:26:040:26:06

-Poppadoms - I had mine at home.

-Nobody does that.

0:26:060:26:09

And what's this charge meal upgrade?

0:26:090:26:11

The old guy, he paid to take away, then ate in.

0:26:110:26:13

This is unbelievable. Two bottles of champagne!

0:26:130:26:16

If you ask me, you should've ordered prosecco. Tastes just as good.

0:26:160:26:19

Are you familiar with Holly Willoughby? She done a blind taste test...

0:26:190:26:22

Yes. Look, we are going to need to split the bill.

0:26:220:26:25

Can you go and get Owen?

0:26:250:26:26

No, I checked on him a minute ago. He's still chucking his guts up.

0:26:260:26:29

Right, well, we're splitting it two ways.

0:26:290:26:31

Oh, sorry, like I said, I've lost my wallet.

0:26:310:26:34

You're going to use this in one of your skits, aren't you?

0:26:350:26:37

No.

0:26:370:26:39

You should. Can't hurt.

0:26:390:26:41

MUSIC: Spice Up Your Life by the Spice Girls

0:26:430:26:47

Oh, I feel so much better for being sick. Are you two still up for the pub?

0:26:470:26:50

-Absolutely not.

-No.

-Oh, all right, then. Suit yourself.

0:26:500:26:53

-Emma!

-Owen!

0:26:530:26:55

-Hello.

-How are you?

0:26:550:26:56

-I'm all right. How are you?

-Yeah, good. Nice to see you.

0:26:560:26:59

-See?

-Do you fancy joining me for a hot one?

0:26:590:27:01

Definitely, cos, er, I've just made a bit of room, actually.

0:27:010:27:03

-Great.

-Shall we?

-Yeah. Hi.

-Hi.

0:27:030:27:06

-# Colours of the world

-Spice up your life

0:27:120:27:14

-# Every boy and every girl

-Spice up your life

0:27:140:27:16

-# People of the world

-Spice up your life

0:27:160:27:18

# Ahhh

0:27:180:27:19

-# Slam it to the left

-If you're having a good time

0:27:190:27:21

-# Shake it to the right

-If you know that you feel fine

0:27:210:27:24

-# Chicas to the front

-Ha, ha

0:27:240:27:25

# Go round

0:27:250:27:27

-# Slam it to the left

-If you're having a good time

0:27:270:27:29

-# Shake it to the right

-If you know that you feel fine

0:27:290:27:31

-# Chicas to the front

-Ha, ha

0:27:310:27:33

# Hai, si, ja, hold tight

0:27:330:27:35

# La la la la-la-la la-la-laa... #

0:27:350:27:39

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