Cut & Dried Josh

I just want a new number. I don't care about my Pac code,

I'm currently having to carry around two mobile phones.

I feel like Gordon Gekko.

The main character in Wall Street.

A dated reference! Are you kidding me?!

Right, what is your name? Your manager is going to hear about this.

Hello? Hello?!

Oh, you are such a telltale!

"What is your name? Your manager's going to hear about this."

I bet you were a grass at school, weren't you?

Always telling on people for taking the piss

out of your crappy football kit on mufti day.

I'm wearing this Plymouth shirt with pride, mate.

It's the first leg of the Football League Trophy

area final - Southern section.

Oh, my apologies.

I bet you were in the teacher's office every day, though,

weren't you, telling on someone?

Dobbing someone in for writing,

"Josh is pubeless," on the overhead projector.

No, I wasn't! I just made a list of the perpetrators

and gave it to the teacher at the end of the term.

Oh, my God!

Look, I just wanted people to stop giving me atomic wedgies.

Did it work?

No. If anything, it made me more of a target.

I was getting through 20 gussets a term by the end.

Partly cos of the nerves.

Well, you haven't learnt from your own lessons, have you?

Society needs rules. Have you not seen Waterworld?

That's a bit of a dated reference.

Oh, sorry, do you want to talk to my manager?

You see, the thing about going to your sister's house

for a dinner party is what to wear.

I mean, do I dress to impress Karren Brady

or do I dress to impress Michael Gove?

How do you dress to impress Michael Gove?

I know, it's a nightmare.

I mean, I tend to gravitate towards Levi Roots.

Levi Roots?

To chat to. I don't wear a Rasta hat.

Well, anyway, Mum, I've actually got quite a big announcement to make.

Oh, God, you're pregnant, aren't you, from a one-night stand?

I knew this day would come. I was looking at you and thinking,

"Oh, she's let her gym membership lapse," but now it makes sense.

No, Mum, I'm not pregnant!

Oh.

Do you remember that photo I took

of the toad that looked like Craig Charles?

Yes, it was uncanny, wasn't it?

Well, I entered it into a National Geographic photography competition

and...turns out it was a catastrophically endangered species,

-and I won!

-Oh, thank God! Because,

I tell you, the whole family had been convinced

your little photos would never pay off.

Oh, really?

Anyway, the award ceremony's next week. Can you come?

Yes, but first tonight, I'm going to take you for dinner.

Great! Then you can display my award here.

So people can see it when they come round for family gatherings.

Well, it's still a bit chocker there, isn't it,

with all your sister's art prizes?

-On the dresser, then.

-Well, that's all her science prizes.

Ooh, what about the tallboy?

The one your sister carved?

They look exactly the same as when you checked them yesterday, Geoff.

So cynical. A lot can happen in 24 hours.

If I had £5,000 and a ticket to Bangkok,

I could be a woman by this time tomorrow.

-I'll chip in.

-No deal.

Although I have never been to Thailand, but...

On balance, I would regret it in the end.

Do you think I'd need a new passport for the return journey?

It's another expense to factor in.

Geoff, why have you got to grow your tomatoes here?

We didn't sign up to be your greenhouse.

Check the small print. I never rented you the windowsills.

If I want to put tomatoes there, I will.

If I want to hang a provocative flag there, I will.

If I want to stand out there and contemplate ending it all,

technically you can't stop me.

Although, I'd hope you'd tell me I have a lot to live for.

You might mention how many properties I own.

That normally sorts me out.

Right.

Why don't you get an allotment, like every other old person?

I'm on a 25-year waiting list.

I can't wait that long.

Can you imagine the genetic modifications

that might have been created by then?

Have you seen the film Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes?

-No.

-Don't.

It's a very unrealistic depiction of tomato growing.

Invaluable tip. Thank you.

Here we go, Owen, just one hour till kick-off

in England's fourth most important cup competition.

Excluding the play-offs.

Why are there bags in the hallway?

Joshie boy!

Phil, what are you doing here?

Nailing level two of GoldenEye, mate.

I haven't seen you since you came to my wedding.

Yeah, and I was arrested because

I didn't realise it was a sham marriage.

That's the one. Got to laugh, haven't ya?

-No, it was awful.

-Yeah, but you've gotta laugh, haven't you?

Phil's brought an N64 with him. It's brilliant, isn't it?

I would pause it to chat, but that'd break the realism.

James Bond can't pause in real life.

James Bond isn't real.

Can't discuss that now, mate. It'd break the realism.

Actually, on that note, can we all stop talking?

Owen, can I have a word?

Yeah.

-This is unbelievable!

-I know! GoldenEye!

He's got Diddy Kong Racing as well!

I don't care if he's got Mario Kart!

He hasn't, I've already asked. But I think Diddy Kong Racing's

actually better. You get to fly a plane on some levels.

That is not the point!

No, the point is, you've gotta defeat the intergalactic pig-wizard,

but for me, flying a plane was the highlight.

-What is he doing here?

-Well, he's my cousin. He'll only be here

-a couple of nights.

-You are kidding!

The first leg of the Football League Trophy area final

is on in under an hour.

Yes, I know, and we'll get to watch it together.

Presuming he's reached the relevant save-game checkpoint.

He has got to go.

I just want to relax in my own home.

I don't want to endure a staycation with...Nick Cotton.

Kate!

-Hello!

-Hello.

Oh, Katie.

-Hello, darling.

-Hi, Mumma.

Very proud of your award-winning photo. Very proud.

Ah...thanks, Mumma.

So proud.

Er...

Hello?

Oh, sorry, darling, this is my little award.

This is my new boyfriend, Paul.

-Oh.

-Hello, Kate, lovely to meet you.

Mum!

-What?

-You didn't tell me you had a new boyfriend.

Well, one of us has gotta have one.

We only met recently at the tennis club

and it was Terry and Sarah that introduced us, wasn't it?

And then challenged us to mixed doubles,

which we won because they're shit.

We hit it off immediately.

Well, Terry and Sarah always hit it off.

The court!

-Because they're shit!

-Yeah!

I couldn't believe such a beautiful woman existed...and was single!

And I see that the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.

Well, she's single, if that's what you mean.

Cheers, Mum(!)

Paul's a hairdresser, darling.

He does all the big events.

Well, bits and bobs. Mainly bobs.

THEY LAUGH

Tell her about the Smash Hits Poll Winners Party.

Oh, Judith, what are you like? Not again!

Tell her about the Smash Hits Poll Winners Party!

All right, all right.

So, I was doing All Saints' hair

at the Smash Hits Poll Winners Party.

Er, I plumped up Melanie Blatt's hair. Very Dallas.

Then she got it caught in Shaznay's brace during Lady Marmalade!

Oh, no!

Natalie Appleton punched him in the face.

Oh, God, they love this at the tennis club.

Yeah, well, that's not the best bit. For revenge I changed the name

in the envelope for Best Female Group.

To this day BWitched think they won it on merit!

-THEY LAUGH

-Oh, my God!

That's the only bit of the story I don't like,

it makes you sound vindictive.

I like vindictive - I've seen ALL his movies!

THEY LAUGH

Anyway, Kate, you must be so pleased,

taking an award-winning toad photo!

Yeah, actually, it's, erm...

Well, I think the toad should get all the credit.

I mean, it wasn't Kate that managed to look like Craig Charles.

Mum!

-Oh, is she always this hard on you?

-Yeah, always.

-Not hard. I'm not hard.

-You are.

I had a judgmental mother. When I went into hairdressing

she threatened to throw me and my Carmen rollers

-out onto the street.

-Well, thank you very much, Billy Elliot.

Ooh, I am getting the hairdryer treatment!

-No.

-It's normally the other way round.

Ha-ha...

On that subject, Kate,

why don't you come and visit me

in my salon before the award ceremony?

I will make you look incredible for your big day.

No charge, obviously.

Oh, my God, that would be fantastic!

No, darling, don't take advantage. You can't take advantage of that.

-Oh, and there she goes again.

-He's offering.

Judge Judy.

Judge Judith. KATE LAUGHS

Which explains the wig!

-KATE AND PAUL LAUGH

-That's good!

VIDEO GAME BEEPS

Look, come on, guys. It's almost kick-off!

The Plymouth players are probably already out on the pitch attempting keepy-uppies.

Football's crap, mate. All those Italian nancy boys

running around, falling over and crying.

Tell you want you want to get into - Ultimate Fighting Championship.

I've seen it. It's not my bag.

-You'd love it.

-No, I've seen it. I hated it.

Yeah, but I reckon you'd love it.

I saw this 35-stone Japanese bloke

get his teeth knocked out in the first four seconds.

Bang! No more noodles for you, mate.

Noodles are famously soft.

-OK, then, no more spring rolls.

-They're Chinese.

Look, the point is, someone fat got kicked in the face and I saw it.

That is great entertainment.

Owen, you want to watch the football, don't you?

Well, Phil's a guest, mate. I think we should be good hosts.

Anyway, it's not too bad a watch.

If you squint your eyes, it's like you're really there.

Also, I've got a cheat that turns all the enemy soldiers into

-women in bikinis. Want to see?

-No, I'm all right, cheers.

Well, that's given me a bit of a squint, I can tell you.

But seriously, guys, you know how much this means to me!

-You need to chill out, mate.

-Yes.

Actually, I know this guy who sells some really great weed.

-Want me to get you some?

-Absolutely not.

He grows it all himself with these hydroponic lamps.

His loft is more overgrown than a '70s muff.

Right, just going to pause it there. Need to hit the bog.

I thought James Bond couldn't pause real life.

Even James Bond needs to take a shit.

In fact, my mate says there's this deleted scene

where he takes a dump in Oddjob's hat.

And, yes, Oddjob doesn't know and puts it back on again.

Classic Bond!

This is not on. He can stay tonight. He is going tomorrow.

-Well, that's not going to happen.

-Why not?

-Cos he's told the police he lives here.

-Why would he do that?!

Because that's how probation works.

I can't live like this. Phil is taking over the flat!

Well, why don't you stand up to him, then? He's an ex-con.

They only understand tough love.

All right, Trisha(!)

Shall I just give him a tennis ball and lock him in the airing cupboard?

No, I think he's drying his weed in there.

-DOORBELL

-I'll get it!

-Anyway, I HAVE tried standing up to him!

-Hiding your Branston pickle

-in the loft space doesn't count.

-How did you know?

Oh, no-one needs to "stretch their legs" three times

during a ploughman's.

Monty Don's here.

-Where?!

-No, I was referring to you, Geoff.

Save your flattery for the tomatoes, Owen.

Mother Nature has spoken and she says the tomatoes are ready!

Is that it?

A month of growing, all for... five tomatoes?

Admittedly, a disappointing yield. I blame the lack of sunlight.

You know, sometimes I wish this flat was on the beachfront in Barbados.

But then this is so much more handy for the Londis.

You know, I bet you can get a can of Lilt quicker here than they can.

Swings and roundabouts.

Right, time for the taste test.

Drumroll, please!

HE PRETENDS TO DRUMROLL

Mm!

Mm! Do you know what?

It is a pity there's so few of these,

because the flavour really is intense.

Here, open your mouth, I'll give you a surprise.

Like being back in prison.

Who was that?

Oh, that's just Phil. It's fine. He's a friend.

I hope you guys aren't subletting, because if you are, he'll be out

-on his ear.

-Actually...

-He's just staying for a few nights. It's fine,

he's a friend, Geoff. It's nothing to worry about.

He seemed very at home.

Yeah, you're telling me! That was my milk. And my towel.

Was it your skid mark?

No, that was all his own work.

Katie.

Mum! You not with Paul?

No, you must have realised yesterday

that Paul is a dreadful, dreadful person.

What?! No! We were getting on great!

He was being so nice about my award,

I accidentally called him Dad at one point.

It was like that time in GCSE Physics all over again.

-He criticised my parenting.

-Yeah. Do you think that's why

I confused him with Dad?

Well, the similarity doesn't end there, because I'm dumping him.

Ah, really?

I need some advice.

And I thought, "Well, who's an expert on relationships ending?"

My Katie. Now, what do I do? Cos I haven't dumped anybody for 30 years.

What about Dad?

Well, that was easy - because of the pregnant PA.

-Oh, right.

-I'm worried what people at the tennis club'll think.

I mean, Terry and Sarah already don't like me,

but I suppose they're always grumpy

-because they're shit at tennis.

-Who are Terry and Sarah?

Names you will never hear past the qualifying rounds,

let me tell you that!

Now, what do I do? Am I honest with him?

Absolutely not.

Rule number one, never tell the truth. OK? The main thing is

to blame external factors, you know.

Say something like, "I've got a job abroad, I can't get over my ex,

"I don't want to date someone with a fructose intolerance." You know,

I've heard them all and they all work.

You're not fructose intolerant, are you?

No, but by the time I googled it, he'd already left.

-Oh.

-Oh, that's another rule - get it over with quickly.

Like pulling off a plaster.

-That's good!

-Yeah.

That's very good. Yes, absolutely right. Well done, you.

Yes. Do it now.

-Yep.

-I shall do it.

I don't want those people at the tennis club

thinking I'm just some kind of freeloader, you know,

that's just in it for the free haircuts.

Oh, oh, no. Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum!

-What?

-Stop, stop, stop, stop!

I forgot. The one rule is to always do it in person.

OK? That's the only way you can guarantee that you won't be seen

as a horrible freeloader.

-Oh, no.

-When are you next seeing him?

Tomorrow afternoon.

Yeah, that works. Face-to-face.

Yeah, Paul would only ever do it face-to-face.

-That was one of the problems.

-Mum, stop!

You'd think being a hairdresser, he'd have more imagination.

"Do you never want to see the back of my head, Paul?"

No, we only do that with a mirror, apparently.

-Oh, Mum, please! End.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

HAIRDRYER WHIRS

HAIRDRYER STOPS WHIRRING

HAIRDRYER WHIRS

HAIRDRYER STOPS WHIRRING

HAIRDRYER WHIRS What are you doing?

Just drying my socks.

Little life hack for ya.

I warm everything up before I put it on.

You wouldn't want to see me before protected sex.

HAIRDRYER WHIRS

HAIRDRYER STOPS WHIRRING

HAIRDRYER WHIRS, THEN STOPS

HAIRDRYER WHIRS, THEN STOPS

HAIRDRYER WHIRS

-Do you have to do that here?!

-Not many left, mate!

What are you, a millipede?

No, I went down for bigamy!

What are you doing, your taxes?

-Yes.

-Why bother?

They'll never catch you. They don't know what they're doing.

You've just come out of prison!

Pret A Manger? Oh, la-di-da.

Someone's doing all right for themselves.

French restaurants, two phones...

I've got a problem with my Pac code.

Course you have, mate. Don't worry, I won't tell the feds,

cos I'm not a snitch.

You're not a snitch, are you, Josh?

No.

Cos you know what we did to snitches in prison, don't ya?

What?

I can't tell ya, because I hate snitching.

Oh, for God's sake.

-Hands in the air, freeze!

-No, I'm not playing that.

HAIRDRYER WHIRS No, get off! Not my receipts!

-Oh, it's getting a bit blowy...

-Not my receipts!

-Oh, no, what a shame!

-I've been working on them all morning!

And can you please stop drinking my beer?!

That's not your beer, mate.

What?

It used to be.

Usual combination. Ultimate Fighting Championship on TV

and me needing a piss.

I know what you're thinking.

How did he fill it exactly to the top?

No.

I didn't.

My Pilgrim Pete mug!

Thirsty work being a mascot, eh?

HIGH-PITCHED: Hello, Geoff.

Morning, Mother. I had two poached eggs and a slice of granary bread.

Speak to you after lunch.

No...

DEEP VOICE: No, this is not your mother.

-Right, who is it, then?

-I am anonymous.

What, the activists with the masks?

Have you hacked my cloud? Is this about my holiday photos?

I thought it was a nudist beach!

No, this is not about that.

I can still hear the screaming.

Listen, I have terrible news. Brace yourself.

I'm a grown-up, I can take it. How bad can it be?

A man called Phil is subletting your flat at 7 Belmont Gardens.

Hello? Geoff? Are you there?

Sorry. I almost fainted. Do you mind if we take a minute,

so I can put my head between my legs?

Look, he is not paying any rent and he is sleeping on the sofa

against the tenants' wishes.

I'll get on it right away.

Subletting, the worst of all crimes.

Now, what you need to do...

HE HANGS UP

Hello?

IN NORMAL VOICE: Hello?

Right you, out. Your days of reckless subletting are over.

I was only crashing for a couple of nights.

Not according to a little bird

who called me anonymously from a phone box.

And just to clear up any confusion, it wasn't actually a bird.

Yeah, I got that. Just let me get my stuff together, I'll be out

-of your hair.

-Well, chop chop.

-OK.

Just...do me a favour.

If you see whoever grew those incredible tomatoes,

congratulate them from me.

Well, well, that was me, but...

You're Geoff Jeffries?

Yes.

The tomato whisperer?

Is that what they call me?

They should do.

That sweet, sweet smell sent me to another world.

At night I dreamt I was being pureed.

Oh...that is nice to hear.

You were clearly born with green fingers.

I...I was, actually.

Septicaemia. The midwife...

What would you say if I was to tell you I could increase

your tomato yield by 3 to 10,000% per annum?

I'm all ears.

Didn't know you grew corn as well.

Eh?

Ears of corn.

Oh!

Yeah!

-Yeah, so...

-That's wonderful!

With my know-how and your instinctive feel for veg,

we could turn your tomato business into a tomato empire.

We could call it Tomato Towers.

You're the boss. The uniforms could be red!

The door handles could be big tomatoes.

Even the toilets could be tomato shaped!

Er, no, I'm not sure I'd like that.

So, the big night! Congratulations again.

What was your category?

Er, Countryside At Play.

I'm surprised I won, actually. It was such a strong field.

Ironically!

Er...

Of course!

Can I use that when I accept my award?

Be my guest. Who else was nominated?

Er, field mouse in a Wellington boot,

pig looking at a sunset,

sheepdog closing a gate,

eagle eating a scone

and shepherd crying after sending his flock to abattoir.

Ah, but do any of them look like Craig Charles?

-No.

-No.

So, what are we thinking?

Erm...I just really want to stand out at the awards.

Something a little more urban?

Yes, that sounds 100% me!

Something cutting edge.

Exactly!

Are you familiar with Rachel from Friends?

VIDEO GAME BEEPS

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

Joshie boy!

Phil, still here?

Only just. Apparently, some jobsworth tipped off your landlord

about me staying here.

And not in a "there's a legend in your flat and he's got an N64,

"so you might want to pop round and bring your Rumble Pak"

-sort of way.

-Oh, deary me.

No, he came over here like he owned the place.

Banging on about subletting, saying it's against the law.

What kind of bureaucratic telltale knob cheese

dobs someone in for subletting?

Any idea who that might have been, Josh?

Nope.

Pity, though, isn't it? Because I'd have had you stay forever,

but the law's the law. So when are you off?

I'm not.

What?

Me and the Geoffster got on like a house on fire. Bosom buddies.

By which I mean I showed him the GoldenEye cheat with the bikinis.

To cut a long story short, he says I can stay here indefinitely.

He said that?

And this is the best bit.

He reckons he can put a little dividing wall up in here.

I can have my own room.

Really?

Police, please.

Yeah, could you put me through to the drug squad?

I'd like to report a drug crime.

Do I just say it now?

OK, there is a man in my flat and he is smoking cannabis.

Well, what if I told you he's on probation?

Yeah, great, right, now, he is in 7 Belmont Gardens

and he is smoking some pretty sizeable doobies.

D-O-O-B-I...

Oh, sorry, B-E-L-M-O-N-T

Gardens.

A dealer?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. In fact, I heard him mention Mexico and grab bags.

Baggies, that's it! Yep, baggies.

..which is ironic,

seeing as this is a competition full of so many, many fields.

As in the ones you get on farms.

I don't think you're going to need to explain it like that.

I'll gauge it on the night.

Do you know, you have a very similar wave in your hair to your mum?

Oh, yeah? You're seeing her tonight, aren't you? Say hi from me.

No. We were going to, but I didn't want to risk cutting into your time,

so we met this morning instead.

Such a pity what happened.

You're cooked. Back in a tick.

Mum?

-Hello, darling.

-Please tell me you haven't broken up with Paul already?

Yeah, I did it this morning. Gave him the big heave-ho.

Did it as you told me to do, face-to-face.

-Oh, sweet Jesus!

-Well, I followed your advice to a T,

but, actually, it seemed to make him angrier, if anything.

Wait, what do you mean, my advice?

I did what you said. I blamed outside factors.

I told him you didn't like him and I couldn't have

a relationship with someone you weren't comfortable with.

Why the hell...?! Why the hell would you do that?

Because that's what you wanted me to do.

I...I didn't want him thinking

that I was only in it for the haircuts,

and the "difficult daughter" line was perfect.

I thought you'd be pleased.

Right, then, Kate.

Now that the dye's taken hold,

let's get cracking with the thinning shears.

VIDEO GAME BEEPS

Phil, get out. I want to watch TV.

Bloody hell!

All right, Pokemon!

Aren't you meant to be going to an awards ceremony?

Yes. It's tonight.

What's it for? Shittest hair?

Oh, you can talk, Mr...Shit Moustache!

Mr Shit Moustache?

Oh, it's for shittest banter!

Out! Now!

Why don't you go and do a lap of the park?

-Try and come up with another zinger.

-I'm not going anywhere.

Suit yourself, Rosie and Jim!

-Out!

-Look, just grab a beer and chillax.

Oh! Oh, maybe I will.

That's not beer!

-GAME STOPS

-Shove this stupid Nintendo up your arse!

Argh!

Hello?

Hello? Phil?

Oh, thank you, God!

Ah...

-TV:

-..today. And this one really is the big one.

The Football League Trophy area final -

Southern section - second leg...

Oh, unlucky, Philly boy! The one that got away.

Oh, go on, then.

Steve Claridge, what chance of an upset do you think here today?

COUGHS

DOORBELL

Yep, coming! Just coming!

Hi, can I help you?

Hello, sir, we're just responding to a call we received.

Ah, you don't need to worry about that.

I'm afraid, sir, we have to respond to these things.

Do you mind if we come in?

Oh, well, I'm just watching Plymouth Argyle

in the Football League Trophy area final second leg.

Plymouth are 3-0 down. It's a dead rubber.

We just need to come in and have a look around.

We've had a report that somebody's dealing drugs

in breach of their probation order.

Ah, now, that was my flatmate's cousin, but he's gone now.

-We're still going to have to check.

-Why?

You could be protecting him.

I'm not harbouring a fugitive!

This isn't the Ecuadorian embassy!

We've had a call, sir. We've got no choice.

Look, I'll be honest with you. It was me.

What, you're the drug dealer?

No! It was me that made the call, but I was wrong.

Now, I appreciate you responding so quickly,

but everything is fine here.

I'm afraid it isn't as easy as that, sir.

We're still going to need to come in and take a look around.

Presumably you're fine with this as somebody with nothing to hide?

Yeah, of course.

Hanson, wait here.

You all right there, sir?

Yeah.

You seem a bit stressed.

No, not at all. Everything's fine.

Would you care to explain this?

Er, that doesn't belong to me.

That belongs to the man who was sleeping on my sofa.

The man who's sleeping on your sofa?

Yeah, but he's gone now. I don't know where.

But it's still alight.

Yeah, I was burning it to get rid of it!

Of course you were(!)

Yeah, we're a perfectly normal, straight household!

We're not into any of those drug-style things!

DOOR OPENS

She doesn't normally look like that!

-Only when she's high?

-No, she isn't high!

Look, let me phone my flatmate. He will explain. It was his cousin.

Please don't make any calls at this moment, sir.

It will clear things up.

Oh, that's the wrong one.

Right, here we go.

You've got two phones?

Yeah... No, not like that!

No, I've got a problem with my Pac code.

I'm not in The Wire. This isn't a burner.

Of course it isn't, sir(!)

No, look, I'm not a drug dealer!

It was one spliff and it isn't even mine!

Joshua, we're in for a bumper crop this year!

Oh, hello, officers.

Is that a hydroponic lamp?

This isn't what it looks like.

# If you wanna have a good time... #

Oh, God!

I am so sorry, Pilgrim Pete!

Oh, God!

Ultimate Fighting Championship has got a lot to answer for!

# I know, I know, I know where it's at

# If you wanna have a good time

# I know where it's at

# If you know you've got something on your mind

# I know where it's at

# If you know that you wanna get on down

# I know where it's at

# Don't deny, don't be shy Just come around

# I know, I know, I know where it's at

# If you wanna have a good time... #