The Old Lady & the Swan Josh

-How's the writing going?

-Not good.

-What's that?

-That is a picture of an elephant

-that looks like Michael Carrick.

-Oh!

You're good at trunks.

-Thank you.

-Hey, if you're struggling to write material,

why don't you become an impressionist?

-Not my scene.

-Do you know what?

I'm from a long line of impressionists,

my great-great-great-grandad did the first-ever impression.

No, he didn't.

Yes, he did. It was a superb William Pitt the Younger.

The Whigs lapped it up.

Oh! Here's one for you!

-IRISH ACCENT:

-If you'd pass me a guitar, I'd play something.

-Bono?

-No.

-The Edge.

-Oh, you're jokin', aren't ya?

It's Jim Corr, who played guitar in The Corrs.

Do you know what? I'm going to write at home.

Oh, no problem. I'll see you later.

-IRISH ACCENT:

-Look, half a blueberry muffin. No-one tips in this country,

they've got eyes bigger than their stomachs and arms shorter than their pockets.

I'm hungry, there's just something about cheese and pickle... Hello.

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Hi, can I get a soya latte?

-Yeah, coming right up.

I hope you don't mind me saying, but I love your accent.

Oh, much... Much obliged.

You're Irish, right?

Am I Irish?

Um... Yeah, yeah.

I'm Irish.

Take a seat, I'll bring it over.

Oh, Kate, have you got any stale bread?

What?! No.

I'll also accept seeds or mealworms.

And why do you need mealworms?

Cos I am nursing a sick bird back to health.

Ah, like that old bloke from Shawshank Redemption?

Yeah. But let's hope I don't go the same way as him -

no-one wants to see "Geoff was here" scratched into a beam.

Not least because it will impact on the value of the property.

OK, well, don't give the birds stale bread -

the mould can make them sick.

You need fresh bread soaked in milk.

How do you know that?

Look, keep it to yourself, but when I was a teenager,

I joined an ornithology club.

-Wow.

-I just did it to flesh out my Ucas form.

Just don't tell Josh and Owen.

Why not? That is the coolest thing I've ever heard

-and I've heard Lose Yourself by Eminem.

-It's not cool.

It is. He won the rap battle against Papa Doc.

Thank you so much for this, it's very gentlemanly of you.

Oh, don't worry - what are neighbours for?

Well, it's such a blessing having a strapping young man like you

turning up! So, what do you do -

weightlifter, international strongman...

beach hunk?

No, no, no, I'm a comedian.

Oh, that must be lovely making people laugh in the evenings.

You're writing all your new jokes at home during the day...

-Yeah, yeah.

-You must have so many funny jokes.

-So, is this you?

-The fourth floor, right up the top.

-Of course.

-Follow me.

I am, yep.

What was in the box?

Well, I couldn't ask, I was in too much pain.

But I guess an anvil.

if it was that heavy, you should have just said something.

I can't do that, Violet's a lovely old lady.

And possible blacksmith.

Ooh, Home Alone 2.

I actually think this is better than the first one.

No, that bird woman's weird.

-What do you mean by that?

-Sorry?

DOOR CLOSES

-IRISH ACCENT:

-Then Roy Keane told Mick McCarthy to stick it up his bollocks,

-which obviously can't be done.

-Who's Roy Keane?

He's the greatest midfielder who ever lived, but then, I might say that, I'm biased.

Why are there people in our house?

Hey, guys!

-Oh, hi.

-Hi.

-This is Josh and this is Kate.

-Hi, guys!

-Hi!

-This is, er, Lauren, she's moved over from the Big Apple.

Right, and where have you moved from?

Well, Cork in Ireland. You know that, Josh, come on.

Um, do you mind if I...?

Of course, it's through there, you can't miss it.

Sorry. Sorry, why are you talking like an Irishman?

Well, I think national identity's an increasingly fluid concept

in today's day and age. Like, look at John Barrowman - is he American,

is he Scottish? Who cares? He's a consummate entertainer.

Sorry, I'll ask again. Why are you speaking in an Irish accent?

-NORMAL ACCENT:

-All right, there's an off chance that when I first met

Lauren, I was talking in an Irish accent and there's an off chance

that she absolutely loved it, and there's an off chance

that when we went for a drink,

I had no option other than to keep it up.

Oh! Oh, dear, that is amazing!

Oh, we'll be fine, I'm good at doing accents,

I can keep it going for a few dates.

What about after that?

What do you mean?

Owen, some relationships go on for longer than three dates.

-IRISH ACCENT:

-Well, I think we can cross that bridge when we come to it.

Right, would you like that Baileys I promised ya?

OK, off we go to the bar!

Got any ideas?

Something about cornflakes.

Spoons.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh...

It's a pity. Did I tell you I'm something great

with that spoons stuff?

Oh, God.

"Murder On The Leyton Orient Express."

What does that even mean?

That's the third package already for Violet today.

It's not on, she's breaking the neighbour rules.

What are the neighbour rules?

Well, one - a maximum of two packages taken in per month.

Number two - no hoovering or step aerobics after 9pm.

Three - if you enjoy sex, move your bed away from the wall.

Who doesn't enjoy sex?

Me, when Owen doesn't move his bed away from the wall.

So why's she getting her packages delivered here?

She's having her bathroom done and I said I'd take her deliveries in,

but I didn't expect to become her Amazon pick-up point.

I'm just going forward and back to the door,

I feel like I'm doing a bleep test.

Bleep test.

TV ON

So, the teams put on a red or a blue fleece

and then they have to go round an antiques fair

and buy three items.

-IRISH ACCENT:

-Then they take the items to auction

and whatever profit they make, Tim Wonnacott gives them in cash.

If they make a profit on all the items, they win a golden gavel.

So what did that couple just win?

-20 quid.

-Did they win the gavel?

No.

-TV:

-You have an unhealthy obsession

-with Bargain Hunt, you two, I'm told.

-Yes, I once dressed...

You should get Netflix.

PHONE RINGS

Ooh, I'm going to get this.

-Would you like us to pause it for you?

-Um, I'm OK.

Hey! How are you?

So, I've got a problem.

Is this about the Good Friday Agreement?

Oh, sorry, force of habit.

No, my problem is - Lauren is amazing.

We've really clicked, we were talking all night.

Yeah, I could hear you. Sounded like an audience with Eamonn Holmes.

Albeit while he intermittently has sex with the guests.

She's funny, she's interesting,

she told me all about her life growing up in New York.

I told her all about mine.

Growing up in...Cork.

Sorry, have you gone insane?

Oh, Carmarthen, Cork. What difference does it make?

The facts remain the same, don't they?

You know, I did go to a small school,

I just played less hurling than I suggested.

Think I can keep this up for the rest of my life?

I reckon she might figure it out when she meets your parents.

Oh, no, I've thought about that and they're both very talented mimics.

Chinese takeaway in town gives Dad 15% off

because they genuinely think he comes from Beijing.

The problem is, he can't turn up to pick up the order.

Owen, that was my friend Siobhan.

She wants to have a drink with us tonight and, surprise, surprise...

she's from Cork as well.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, that sounds absolutely great.

TV: That's what we're going for.

-Are you going to spend the lot, then?

-We hope to spend quite a bit...

Kate, I've got a bit of a situation.

If you've trapped yourself in your shoes again, I'm not helping you.

You need to stop doing quadruple knots.

No, it's that bird I was nursing back to health...

Oh, no, has it died?

Worse, it's back to full strength and causing havoc in my house.

How is it causing havoc?

A fully fit swan is a powerful bird.

Sorry, you're nursing a swan back to health?

And not a very grateful one, it's pecked my sideboard into next week.

Looks like my TV is on a block of Emmental.

People will think I'm mentally unwell,

especially when they factor in I live with a swan.

It's not funny, Kate.

It's terrifying.

-Mm.

-You know what a pigeon is like when it gets stuck in a room,

imagine that but with four times the wingspan.

Yeah, I know, sorry, that does sound really bad.

So you're the bird expert - what should I do?

Uh! I'm not a bird expert, I just did a few after-school sessions.

I only attained the level of "Chaffinch", so...

You must have some ideas!

You need to call the RSPB.

I've done that, but there's an oil slick off the Kent coast.

I'm trying to break bread with a swan while they're dealing with

3,000 seagulls that look like the Fonz.

Just wait till they're available.

They said it could be two weeks, I could be dead in two weeks, Kate!

What if it attacks?

I can't fight a swan.

The Queen'll come down on me like a ton of bricks.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Hello, Josh.

-Violet.

I think I've had a few packages delivered here.

Yeah, a few, yeah.

Ooh!

Santa's been!

-Yeah.

-Although you're on the naughty list and I'm on the nice one.

Oh, I hope it hasn't been an inconvenience for you.

No, although I do need to be doing some writing

and the deliveries can interfere with my flow.

Completely understand.

-Great.

-It's vital you get your important comedy writing done.

Right.

Ah!

-Can I help you with...?

-Oh, thank you.

I think I might struggle.

Yeah, great. OK.

Er, lift from the knees.

-Sorry.

-I was worried about your poor technique yesterday.

Right, OK.

That lot's a bit ambitious for your arms.

Let's maybe do them in several trips.

-OK.

-Fourth floor, right at the top.

-So, where are you from in Cork?

-Yeah, I am.

No, which bit?

Oh, sorry, I thought you were answering your own questions in,

-"Where am I from? In Cork." Anyway, did you see Bargain Hunt this morning?

-No. No, I didn't.

Oh, that's a shame.

So, where did you grow up?

Oh, you know, the suburbs.

Which area?

-The east.

-Oh, Sallybrook or Glanmire?

Glanmire, yeah, that's the one. Yeah, yeah.

That's where I'm from!

Oh, of course you are!

-Brilliant.

-That's amazing!

-You'd thought you'd have crossed paths.

-Yeah, you would.

-Which school did you go to?

-Which school did you go to?

Sorry, I really want to know.

No, no, you first, I insist.

No, no, you first.

-I insist.

-Oh, I went to St Aloysius.

No way? I went to St Aloysius!

-Shut up?!

-Yeah, but probably at a different time.

It's a girls' school.

I know.

I got you there, a little bit of Cork humour style,

and there'll be no more Cork in-jokes, I promise.

-Right, I'm going to go and get a drink.

-No, no, my round, actually.

-OK.

-What are you guys having?

-Murphy's, please.

Do you know what? I think I'll try one as well.

-Ooh!

-Mm, nice.

-Isn't this great?

It's great, yes, brilliant, yeah, but do you mind if we go home?

But we've only had one drink.

Yeah, well, um, I've got to be honest,

all this Cork talk's actually making me a bit sad, so...

Oh, I'm so sorry, I thought you'd like it.

Yeah, well, usually I would, I'd love it,

but I can't afford to go back very often,

so it's actually making me homesick.

Oh, Owen, that's so sweet.

Yeah, to be honest, even Siobhan's accent's making me a bit sad,

-so do you mind if we go?

-Well, what about your Murphy's?

Uh, tell her to cancel it because it...

It tastes better in Ireland. See you outside.

Get me coat.

DOORBELL RINGS

All right, mate, just dropping this off.

One cashmere, pocket-sprung deluxe mattress.

I think you've got the wrong address.

Well, it says here, "Violet Robbins, care of flat seven."

Care of! That's a bit much, isn't it?

I'm sure she'll let you have a go on it.

I don't want to go on a mattress with a granny, I'm not...

-Not what?

-I was going to make a Wayne Rooney joke, but I lost faith.

Correct decision.

If you are thinking of subletting the living room,

I will have you arrested.

He's taken the upstairs, Kate.

-Sorry?

-The swan, I can't go up there.

Each time I try, he pecks me through the banisters,

it's like that bit with the boxing gloves in Total Wipeout.

I need sleeping pills - have you got any?

-No.

-That's a pity, I thought I'd put some in his hot chocolate.

You're giving him hot chocolate?

I've tried everything, Kate.

I even made a nest for him in the front room out of branches,

but he won't come down from my bedroom.

So I ended up sleeping in it myself.

I haven't been this sleep deprived since the days of acid house.

You were a raver?

I bought a flat above the Ministry of Sound.

It was my fault, I thought they were government offices.

OK, well, there's nothing I can do about this.

Well, can I at least use your toilet?

Mine's in enemy territory.

I can't go in the pond again, my carp hate me.

They probably just think you're one of those fountains.

Fountains don't do what I was doing.

Oh!

Ooh, hello, sweetie!

-Your mattress.

-Oh, thank you.

Aren't you an angel?

Don't suppose it was heavy, though.

Oh, lovely!

I thought you said it was your bathroom you were getting done.

It was, but it went so well, now I've moved on to the rest of the flat.

Right, and I notice you've put, "Care of flat seven".

In case I was out.

-But you're in.

-I might have been out.

-I might have been out.

-Seems unlikely.

No, it seemed sensible to send them to you, I'm out all the time!

Now, today I went to aqua aerobics,

a tea morning and then I met Iris for a pint.

Yeah, it's just I do need to be writing.

Of course! Your precious comedy writing time.

Look, I know I said I'd take in your packages,

but I did mean one or two a week,

not, like, a full flat's worth, so...

this is going to need to stop.

Well, I'm sorry, but that isn't going to happen.

-Sorry?

-I said that isn't going to happen.

You're going to keep taking my deliveries whenever I need you to,

otherwise you can kiss goodbye to your free Wi-Fi.

Sorry, what are you talking about?

Do the words, "Violet's Internet Hub" ring any bells?

Yeah, it's what Owen called our Wi-Fi...

Oh, God, we're using your Wi-Fi.

Yep. I gave your little Welsh friend the password,

said you could all use my Wi-Fi as a favour when you moved in.

Well, now I'm calling that favour in.

Sorry, I... What?!

You keep collecting and delivering my packages...

..or I'll change the password.

No?!

In fact, I've got a NutriBullet on the way and if there's so much as

a chip on it, well, I'm sorry...

Sorry, what is this, The Godfather?

Oh, it's far worse.

In The Godfather,

they never threatened to rename their router Josh's Porn Box,

so that everyone in the building could see.

-You wouldn't dare.

-Try me.

I don't think it's viable to keep doing the accent.

What if I said I was losing it due to time living away from home?

Surely you'd be developing a London accent.

Or, where's equidistant between Cork and London?

Wales. I could say my accent had naturally found a halfway point.

Just tell her.

First time in years I end up properly liking summat

and I'm stuck doing a fake accent, this is just my luck.

Owen, why didn't you tell me we've been using Violet's Wi-Fi?

Oh, she approached me on the first day and offered. I thought it was nice of her.

She says if I stop accepting her packages,

she's going to change the password.

She's giving out favours and now she's calling them in.

Have you not seen The Godfather and learnt its lessons?

-What, are you worried you're going to wake up and find a router in your bed?

-What's the problem?

Look, just keep accepting her packages, she's a lovely old lady and we need Wi-Fi.

-Mm.

-No, because I am not Mrs Goggins and she is not a lovely old lady.

Mrs Goggins? Yes, she is.

No, Violet.

She's off out down at aqua aerobics and getting hammered with Iris.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to push her mattress up two flights of stairs.

Are you having a breakdown?

No, I'm thinking very clearly.

I'm going to go and sort us out our own Wi-Fi.

Wait a minute, Owen,

I've been paying you for Wi-Fi for the last three years!

Have you guys seen there's a wireless router in this building

-called Josh's Porn Box?!

-Really?

-What?! No!

-Yeah.

Oh, God, she's done it already.

Here we go.

It's on the house, I'll say I dropped it on the floor.

-Did you drop it on the floor?

-No, no, I caught it on me foot.

Like George Best?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, technically, he was Northern Irish, but still...

Anyway, um... About that, actually.

Um, I've got something to tell you.

-OK.

-Oh, no, no, it's not bad, it's good.

H-Hopefully it'll bring us closer together.

-Great.

-Yeah, um...

Listen, I really like you.

And I really like you too.

Oh, great.

When I moved here, I had no idea what I was doing

and you've made it feel like home,

despite the fact that this isn't your home either.

-Well...

-I mean, I was a mess when I moved here,

and I hope you don't mind hearing this,

but the reason I left New York was because I discovered

that the man that I fell in love with wasn't who he said he was.

-Oh, dear.

-Yeah. I was humiliated.

I felt broken and...

I'm sorry, you don't want to hear about that.

Um... What was it you wanted to say?

Right. Well, um...

This is hard to say and, um, it may sound weird, actually,

but it's about being Irish.

I...

..think Siobhan's pretending to be Irish.

-Sorry?

-I'm afraid so.

Um, just a lot of the stuff she said about being from Cork, like,

you know, none of it made sense.

Oh, God! Why would she do that?

-God only knows.

-That's so weird.

Yeah, it's bad form, like, sorry you had to hear it from me.

No, it was the right thing to do.

-Let me make you a coffee.

-Listen, Owen,

I don't want to come on too strong,

but I've done something kind of impulsive.

Are you pretending to be an American?

No. No!

Uh, when we met Siobhan,

-it made me so sad to see you feeling so homesick...

-Oh.

And it just didn't seem fair that you don't have the money to go back.

Which is why I booked us two tickets to go back to Cork this weekend!

-Sweet Jesus.

-You're going home!

Great.

DOORBELL RINGS

Kate, no, no, no!

It might be a delivery for Violet.

I have to be able to answer the door,

I can't be under house arrest with you and your porn box.

It is not my porn box.

-That's not what they're saying on the ground floor.

-Oh, does it reach that far?!

Yeah. Rumour is you stream six videos at the same time

like Minority Report.

It's Geoff. I know you're in there.

I can hear you talking about Josh's porn box.

-Oh, my God.

-My God, what happened?

You know how they say a swan can break your arm?

Well, they can also really batter your face.

Oh, I can't believe this has happened, I'm so sorry.

When he attacked, I held my hands behind my back,

presuming they were most at risk -

if anything, that just left my face as an open goal.

Sorry, have you been attacked by a swan?

To quickly explain, I found an injured swan,

took him home to nurse him back to health using Kate's advice,

as she was once in Ornithology Club.

And once the bird was back to full strength,

he took over my house before exacting his bloody revenge

for my kindness. What a week.

Oh, my God.

You were in Ornithology Club?

I just did it to flesh out my Ucas form.

Don't play it down, Kate, you made it up to Chaffinch.

-Chaffinch?!

-Now, I just need one more piece of advice.

Josh, would you mind giving me a hand?

Yeah, of course.

Lift from the knees.

OK.

Steady, quite heavy.

Yes, I know.

-Mind my door.

-Sorry.

So, is the swan still in your house?

No, Josh is holding him.

-What?!

-Well, I tried wrapping him round my neck,

but I looked like Bjork going to the Oscars.

So that's when I put him in the box.

God, is he dead?

Sedated, I put a sleeping pill in his Bovril.

-His Bovril?

-Well, he wasn't drinking his hot chocolate.

God knows what he'll be like when he wakes up!

-He'll be livid.

-So why did you bring him here?

Because I needed expert advice on where to leave him.

Well, not in our flat!

DOORBELL RINGS

No. Who is it?

Delivery.

-What are you delivering?

-Wi-Fi router.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Are you sure it isn't a NutriBullet?

Sorry, what's happening?

-Here you go.

-Ah, thank you.

-Violet.

-I thought you weren't going to take any more of my deliveries.

Well, actually, this is for me.

You pay a man £10, he'll say anything's a Wi-Fi router.

Now, hand over my NutriBullet.

-No, it's got my address on it.

-Just saving time, Joshua.

-No.

-I warned you.

Well, seeing as it's got my name on it, I'm going to assume it's mine.

So I can do what I like with it.

Don't do anything stupid.

Oh, I could go into my kitchen and put some spinach in it.

Or I could knock up a carrot juice, or I could...

-Soup?

-I could make a soup.

-Josh.

-OR I could throw it out the window.

No, Josh! Joshua!

It's stuck.

-Push and turn.

-No, Joshua.

-Push and turn.

-I am!

We could come to an arrangement.

I could change the name of your porn box.

-Too late!

-Oh, no!

Oh, dear. Looks like I just smashed your NutriBullet.

SHE CRIES

CRIES TURN TO GIGGLES

Oh, dear. You've just smashed your new Wi-Fi router.

-Oh, that's a pity.

-What?

No-one over 40 would be stupid enough

to waste their money on a fad like a NutriBullet!

I had one. Swan broke it.

I've tricked people into smashing their own Wi-Fi routers before now

and I'll do it again.

-No.

-My God, you were right.

She is an evil Mrs Goggins.

I'd beat the shit out of Mrs Goggins.

Now, it's probably best if you just accept your lot

and toe the line in this building from now on.

Ooh! I presume this box is for me?

Well, no, actually that... Yeah, yeah.

-I'll just grab it and bring it up.

-If you would.

From the knees.

And then I thought we could go to your local for a pint

and maybe you could introduce me to some of your old friends,

and then I would love to go see the Ballycotton cliffs.

Oh, the Ballycotton cliffs.

Bloody hell, what have you packed in here?

-An elephant?

-Oh, my God, I love your accent, where's that from?

-Wales.

-Oh, wow!

Did you hear, babe? He's from Wales!

That's amazing, I love Wales.

It's like the most beautiful place I've ever been to

and the men are so incredibly good-looking, right?

There must be something in the water there.

Are you completely Welsh, or are you like half-Welsh, half-English?

Cos that's like a thing, right?

HISSING

RATTLING AND THUMPING

Argh!

MUSIC: Runaway by The Corrs

# I'm falling in love with you

# No, never

# I'm never gonna stop falling in love with you

# Cos I am falling in love... #