Friends & Rivals Josh

FOOTBALL SOUNDS ON TV Inside. Come on, yes.

Through. Come on!

Yeah!

Now, why would I do a chip-through ball

when one-on-one with the keeper?

Oh, shut up, Stu, I can hear you laughing.

Come on, tackle him...

No, get to him, get to him!

No... No!

No!

-Oh, come on, mate, don't watch while I play.

-Sorry.

I wasn't talking to you.

It's my friend, who I'm playing.

Is he shy?

No. No, he isn't here.

He's in Manchester.

We're playing online.

It's the annual Sociology Cup of Nations.

Played every year since university.

HE SIGHS HEAVILY

Yes, well done, Stu.

Which team are you?

Joshenham Hotspur.

HE CHUCKLES

Joshenham Hotspur!

That sounds like Tottenham, but with Josh...

Oh, that's delightful.

Thank you.

You know, I think that's the first time you've actually made me laugh.

I know you say you're a comedian,

but it's good to finally hear some evidence. Joshenham Hotspur...!

HE LAUGHS

-Like Tottenham, but with Josh.

-Yes!

That is good.

HE CHUCKLES

Er, excuse me?

-What the hell are you doing?

-I'm just eating some ham.

You can't just help yourself to our ham.

Susan!

Susan!

Just coming! Yes, Brian?

-What the hell is going on?

-Hello, Owen. This is Brian.

He's going to be doing a few shifts here.

We met last week at hot yoga.

Well, it was just yoga until Susan turned up.

-SHE LAUGHS

-You'll make me blush!

Anyway, we got talking

and I mentioned that we could do with an extra pair of hands.

And I said, "That's considered cheating in yoga."

Obviously, we just laughed and laughed!

Yeah, we did laugh.

Well, it was hard not to.

Anyway, er, nice to meet you, Brian.

I've got a bit of paperwork to do, so can you show Brian the ropes?

Of course.

So...shall I start by showing you how the coffee machine works?

No, you're all right.

Oh... OK.

You're sure you don't mind me having a go?

Honestly, it'll be so good to get my confidence up.

Well, this is what it's all about, isn't it?

Two best friends, hanging out, computer gaming.

So I'll just let you get the hang of the controls first.

What was that?

-Have you played before?

-Why, am I good at this?

Can you stop doing keepie uppies?

If you insist.

Yes, goal!

How did that happen?

Geoff-field Wednesday!

-Did you see I called it Geoff-field Wednesday?

-I got it.

It's like Sheffield Wednesday, but I put Geoff instead.

-No, I understand the joke.

-Geoff-field Wednesday.

Are you some kind of Fifa savant?

No! No, I'm not.

Savants tend to lack social skills.

Well, you must have played before, then, mustn't you?

Not this.

Although, back in the '90s, I did get into Kick Off 2.

I actually played in the British Championships.

Or the Kickies, as they were known.

Oh, great days.

Great women.

The hickies I got at the Kickies...

Geoff, don't run your keeper out with the ball, that's a dick's move.

No, I said don't run your keeper out with the ball.

-No way!

-2-0.

God, this is pointless. You're better than Stu!

Actually, you're better than Stu.

Geoff, how would you feel about

taking temporary charge of Joshenham Hotspur?

I'd be honoured.

And my first decision, as caretaker manager,

to ban you from ever playing again.

You're the boss.

But, I mean, the thing about photography is,

you know, it's more difficult than you think.

It's not just about pointing the camera in the right direction,

otherwise anyone could turn professional.

And they can't.

For instance, I haven't.

Yeah, well, I'm jealous of anyone who can take good photos.

I was at the zoo last week and I couldn't get an elephant in focus.

-I love the zoo.

-Yeah?

I'm just one of those people who loves animals.

Or does that mean I wouldn't like the zoo?

Well, yeah, but the main thing for me about the zoo

is it's a great place for parents to take their kids.

Oh, yeah, that is the one drawback.

Kate, what I'm trying to tell you is I have a daughter.

Which is great.

Are you sure? Because I totally understand if it's an issue.

Oh, well, for me, Kate, I am issue-free.

Great.

Yeah, really, really, really great.

Yeah.

Oh, the old daughter.

How old is the old daughter?

Your daughter, how old is your daughter?

Lola is ten.

Oh, Lola...

-That's such a beautiful name.

-Thank you.

# Her name was Lola

# She was a showgirl

# With yellow feathers in her hair

# And a dress cut down to... #

Shall we get another drink?

-Same again?

-Yeah. Thanks.

-Right.

Right...

-Here we go.

-Thank you.

Brian is the laziest man of all time.

He couldn't get the Panini maker to work the other day,

so he warms up a Panini in the oven

and then just flattened it under a copy of Cloud Atlas.

-How did things go with Chris?

-Oh, amazing.

He's handsome, funny...

What's the third thing?

Oh, yeah, he has a child. Why didn't you tell me that?

Well, I didn't want it to be an issue.

Well, it's not an issue.

Well, it's a very small issue. But it's not a big issue.

It's not a big issue at all.

I mean, if it was a problem,

I wouldn't buy it off a homeless person.

-Because it's not a Big Issue.

-Right. OK.

Well, you seem very chilled about it.

I am super chilled about it.

In fact, I am so chilled I'm actually meeting Lola next week.

That's a bit quick, isn't it? Calm down, Angelina Jolie.

She's got a photography competition and I said I'd help her.

Oh, all right. Oh, I get it.

So it's such an issue you've ended up massively overcompensating.

Well, maybe. But I'll have you know, I'm actually very good with kids.

Oh, come on, Kate. You pushed a child out of the way at Crufts.

He cut in front of me in the queue to meet Pudsey.

And I didn't push him.

I just gently rolled his chair out of the way.

Oh!

I think you'll find, Stu, that is three games all.

Oh, how did I do all those rabonas?

How did I do all those rabonas?

You press R2 and double tap the analogue stick.

I simply pressed R2 and double tapped the analogue stick.

I'll tell you what, Stu, I'll let you practice them

in readiness for the decider.

See you later, mate.

Oh, my God, I can't wait for tomorrow.

I feel like my whole life has been leading to this point.

He has never thought I could be good at anything.

Well, you're not.

No, no, but that's not the point.

The point is, I am going to be going home with a sweet £100 prize kitty.

Sorry, do you mean there's money riding on this?

Josh, you know my views on gambling.

Oh, no, no, this isn't gambling.

This is a prize pot.

I'm sorry, I can't have any more to do with this.

I refuse to cheat strangers out of their money.

You've raised our rent twice in the last year.

You're not strangers.

5:30. I'm off.

But we've still got to wash up and clean all the tables.

Yeah, I can't. I really need to get home.

-It's 30 minutes till Eggheads.

-What?

The prize pot's up to £12,000, the Eggheads are due a defeat,

I don't want to risk missing it

because I really, really, really hate them.

Oh, OK...

Now what are you doing?

Just taking my half of the tips.

But you didn't earn any.

The only customer you spoke to all day was Julie,

-who you really offended.

-She looked like Ronnie Wood.

-I say what I see.

-Oh, Brian, you asked her for a selfie.

You made her play air guitar.

I always say, if something's worth doing, it's worth doing properly.

Oh, do you? Because when I asked you to clean the loo,

you said you'd already done it

by aiming your stream of urine at the offending areas.

It's the most hygienic way.

That way, I don't have to touch the toilet.

There is no change for this, so I'll have to owe you.

The thing is, you don't have to know what all the buttons do.

-I mean, I don't.

-Well, thank you, Kate.

-We've had a really good day, haven't we?

-Mm-hm.

-Oh, same.

-PHONE JINGLE

-I'm so sorry, can I take this?

-Yeah, we'll be fine.

Can I take a look?

Oh, that one's great!

You could put that in the photography competition.

No.

This is my favourite.

Ah, yeah, that is good. But do you remember...

..I took that one?

Remember?

I saw that "no littering" sign

and I framed it up with that crisp packet I put on the floor.

Remember, I explained I was making an important point about littering?

Could we say I took it?

Well...

It could win.

Well, I mean, it would definitely win. But that would be lying.

But it's a brilliant photo. People should see it.

Oh, well, that is...

..a fair point.

I suppose you were there, so, in a way, it is our photo.

Maybe this could just be our little secret,

-just between you, me and your dad.

-Thank you, Kate.

Right. Sorry about that.

How are we doing?

Wow, that's a great photo!

-Did you take that one, Lola?

-Yeah.

-Lola?

-OK...

It was Kate's crisp packet.

Kate, I do think you should be littering in front to my daughter.

That's the point I was making with the photo.

Who's a clever girl? Isn't she amazing?

Yeah...

Good to see you, Brian, but you are 40 minutes late.

-I had a terrible night.

-Oh, right.

Oh, sorry. Erm, what happened?

The Eggheads won again.

And?

That's it.

Well, er, in better news, Brian,

to welcome you into the team, I've got you a little present.

Look, it's your very own tips jar.

No, I don't want that.

Well, you're having it,

because I didn't finish and wash out a jar

of my flatmate's piccalilli for nothing.

I'm happy with the current system.

Well, I'm afraid the current system is no more, Brian.

From now on, it's all change. And, yes, that pun was intentional.

I actually practised it on my way in,

when I arrived on time 40 minutes ago.

HE SIGHS HEAVILY

DOORBELL CHIMES

-Geoff!

-I came over as quickly as I could.

-Let's have a look at that wonky ballcock.

-Er, about that...

Some people might laugh at the concept of a wonky ballcock,

but I happen to know it's one of the most devastating things

-that can happen to a toilet.

-Geoff, I've fixed it.

-Oh, right...

-But since you're here,

-can I have a quick word with you about something?

-How did you fix it?

With just the right amount of patience and care.

Ah, OK.

Now, I'm not sure if I was clear yesterday...

Actually, that is ridiculously vague.

-Did you reconnect the flapper valve?

-Yeah, that's exactly what I did.

-It's flapping away nicely.

-It's not supposed to flap.

Geoff, the ballcock is fine. It wasn't broken.

I just need your help with Fifa.

You used the flat against me?

My Achilles heel?

Only because I really, really want to beat Stu.

Now, I know it shouldn't matter,

but he has bullied me for years about being shit at stuff.

And now, finally, I'm not the worst at something.

Well, I am the worst at it, but he doesn't know that.

Please, tomorrow night, just one more game.

That is all I ask.

Absolutely not.

Geoff...

Isn't this what friends do for each other?

You consider me a friend?

Yes.

A best friend?

Very much so.

Then that is why I'll always have your back.

Great, we'll split the money 50-50.

80-20, in my favour.

See you at kick-off!

I said I'm not made of scone but I will be if I keep eating them.

SHE GIGGLES

-Thanks.

-No problem.

What happened there?

I guess she just made a choice.

Er, Brian, what's Crabble's disease?

-Oh, don't you know?

-No.

-It's a very, very bad disease.

-Oh, yeah? What are the symptoms?

Well, the main one is...death.

Right. And before that?

An impending fear of death.

Brian, I've never heard anyone mention Crabble's disease.

Losing your voice, that's another symptom.

Oh, Brian, you can't just relabel your tips jar

with some made-up charity.

How dare you suggest that?

My family has been deeply affected by Crabble's for generations.

For instance, my great-granddad is now dead.

And prior to that, he had an impending fear of it.

TV ON IN BACKGROUND

I think Brian is comfortably the weirdest man I have ever met.

I'm quite a chilled-out guy, but he is pushing me close to my limits.

Why don't you just tell Susan?

Because Susan's totally infatuated with him,

despite the fact that he eats mayonnaise straight from the jar.

Who does that?

Oh, that reminds me, have you seen my piccalilli?

Erm, Kate ate it.

What was that?

Nothing. Erm, how was the mother-and-daughter bonding session?

It turns out Lola is a top-level fraudster.

She wants to enter one of my photos into the competition

and pretend it's hers.

She's like Milli Vanilli, but female.

And in primary school.

And there's only one of her.

Parents do that sort of thing all the time, don't they?

Do you really think I had the best joined-up writing in West Wales

for the under tens? No. But my dad did.

The man's hand flows like a river.

It's not about the competition. It's about Chris.

She's told him that she took the photo

and now he is doting over her saying she is the next Annie Leibovitz.

I took the photo. If anyone's the next Annie Leibovitz,

-I'm the next Annie Leibovitz.

-Can you stop saying Annie Leibovitz?

-Who's Annie Leibovitz?

-You're looking at her, mate.

Just go to the prize-giving, smile and let her have her moment.

I know it's a tough ask, but out of the two of you,

try and be the least childish.

Well, she started it!

Sorry, Kate, are you jealous of a nine-year-old

because her dad's proud of her?

No.

She's ten.

HE SIGHS

Brian, are you going to help me set up?

I've told you, I'll help when I've finished the arrow word.

-Morning, Owen.

-Morning.

-Good morning, Brian.

-Morning, Susan.

You look like Marilyn Monroe today.

Do I?

Yes.

Er, Susan, can I have a word, please?

Of course, Owen.

-Is this about the tips?

-Er, well, yeah.

-Right.

I've spoken to Brian and he says that you're worried

that his charity work's impacting on your tips.

Oh, wait, no, no, that's not what's happening at all. The problem is...

Oh, that's such a relief.

Because what he's doing is inspirational.

He wants to start a viral video campaign

called the Crabble Bucket Challenge.

-What's that?

-It's what it sounds like.

Celebrities tip buckets of crabs over their heads.

Susan, have you ever heard of anyone with Crabble's?

-Yes.

-Oh...

Well, Brian's great-grandfather passed away from it.

Yeah, his death still deeply affects me.

Do you still want me to make you a cake for the memorial service?

I'm not made of scone, but I will be if I keep eating them.

Oh, Brian...!

I really admire your ability to laugh through the pain.

Oh...

In fact, we were just discussing your charity work.

Oh, I'm taking the money to the hospice this evening.

I'm missing Eggheads, but some things are more important.

Oh, you are a good man, Brian.

You know, only last month,

he ran a marathon for the children of Momutu.

I've never heard of Momutu.

That's why I'm running - to raise awareness.

-I'm so proud of you! How do you feel?

-Really happy.

-Yeah?

-Can you believe she won?

-Well, it is the best photograph.

You are such a talented girl.

For her age group.

For any age group, I'd say, Lola.

-Oh, Miss Williams, hello.

-How lovely to see you.

-You, too.

-Congratulations, Lola.

-Thanks, Miss Williams.

-It was a fantastic photo.

-It is, isn't it?

Sorry, I don't think we've met. I'm Ruth. Lola's very proud teacher.

I'm Kate. Lola's very influential mentor.

It was her crisp packet in the picture.

Oh, right...

I picked it up afterwards.

Kate is a photographer and she's been passing on her wisdom to Lola.

Well, Lola, when you grow up, maybe you'll be a photographer like Kate.

Yes. But I want to be a professional.

Oh, I'm sure you will be.

I could pay you to set up my equipment, Kate.

Oh, that's very kind of you, Lola. But, erm...by the time you grow up,

the digital revolution will make it almost impossible

to make a living out of taking photographs,

so good luck with that.

But I'm sure you will find a way.

Anyway, before I forget, here's the other half of your prize.

-Three tickets to Crufts.

-Wow!

What?

Who do you think you will take?

Erm...Dad and Mum.

Oh, thank you. Well, I'll check my diary.

-I'll see if I'm available.

-You're going to have a lovely time.

I went last year and it was amazing.

Come on...

DOORBELL CHIMES Yes!

Geoff!

Why are you dressed as the man from Delmonte?

This is what Phil Babb wore for the '96 FA Cup final.

This is our final. You've got to make an effort.

Phil Babb?

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

Oooh, a tenner.

Hi, can I help you?

Hi. I just wondered whether you took charity collection pots.

Oh, we've just started, actually. Can I ask you what the charity is?

It's for Crabble's disease.

Oh...

-What?

-Hey, what a coincidence!

-You're collecting for Crabble's?

-Yes.

Well, why wouldn't she be collecting for Crabble's?

We already have one of those, so we'll be fine, thanks.

Actually, Crabble's Awareness

are rolling out a new direct pick-up service.

Oh, no.

It's fine. I'm going to drop it off this evening.

Yeah, but this way, you'll be home in time for Eggheads.

Don't be a martyr, Brian. You've done enough.

Yeah, don't be a martyr, Brian.

The quicker we get the money in, the quicker we get the money out.

And we all know what an awful disease it is.

For me, the worst part is not the death,

but the impending fear of it.

Thank you.

You are one of the good guys.

Didn't I tell you?

PHONE RINGS

Everything OK?

Yes.

-Pint tonight, Owen?

-Yeah, great.

What an exhibition of football!

I can't believe I'm about to win the Sociology Cup of Nations.

Be very careful, Josh.

I know we're 5-1 up, but that is a famously dangerous score.

Well, that was awful.

-Did Lola not win?

-Yes, of course she won.

And didn't I hear about it.

"Oh, Lola, you're so brilliant!"

She's not. She's rubbish. She doesn't even own her own camera.

Kate, you do know it's not a competition between you and her?

Yeah, I know that. She is no competition.

Please tell me you didn't create a scene.

The only scene I created was for her prize-winning photograph.

No, I just smiled and acted with good grace.

Good.

And that is why no-one will suspect that I am the one

who has just sent the school an anonymous e-mail

informing them that their little photography competition

has a fraudster in its midst.

Are you kidding?

What about Chris? I thought you liked him.

I can't go out with a guy who cares so much about his child

that he can't even thank me for winning him three tickets to Crufts.

Right, I'm going to get ready and meet Owen in the pub.

Apparently he's loaded.

Geoff, why are you dressed like the man from Delmonte?

Do not distract him!

Well, that's half-time.

-Where are my nachos?

-Oh, sorry, Geoff.

-Don't forget the cheese.

-Yes.

-Chris!

-Hey, Kate.

I've just dropped Lola off at her mum's and I wanted to nip round

and say thank you for what you did for her today.

Oh, thanks.

I know it was you who took that photo

and it means so much that you were happy for her to use it.

Oh, that is...

That is so great.

When I dropped her off at her mum's,

she seemed happy for the first time in months.

And you did that.

That is brilliant. However, there is one thing that I should tell you.

No. There's something I should tell you.

Lola wanted me to thank you, but she also wanted me to give you this.

She says you won it as much as her.

Oh...

Crufts!

And she wants us to go together, you, me and her.

Oh...

-PHONE JINGLE

-Sorry.

It's the school.

Just a second.

Hello?

You're through-balls are exquisite, Geoff.

My nachos.

Could I just have a quick go

-and then we could say we both played, maybe?

-No.

Time for Stu's fingers to hang up their boots.

DOORBELL CHIMES

Or squeeze out another year at LA Galaxy.

-8-1!

-Yes, Geoff!

Unbelievable!

Stu...

Bit strange that the championship game is being played,

-yet here you are, answering the door.

-How are you here?

My little brother's playing for me.

-I'm only waiting to find out who is playing your matches.

-Well, I am!

-I've just scored!

-Who is that?

Oh, no, Stu, you don't need to go in there! It's OK!

-I knew it. You've got him doing it.

-No, I...

To be honest, I thought he'd be younger and more Chinese.

-Who is this guy?

-He's my landlord.

And best friend.

You are such a loser.

-You don't understand.

-Oh, I understand.

After years of defeat,

you've become so obsessed with beating me at online Fifa

that you've convinced your 50-year-old landlord,

who's also your best friend, into playing for you.

Oh, my God...

I'm such a loser.

This is impossibly tragic.

Sorry, Stu, can I just pick you up on a couple of things?

Am I right in thinking that you've just travelled up from Manchester?

Damn right.

A two-hour, 10-minute rail journey on a Friday night.

Totally worth it.

So you're clearly travelling in peak hours.

And as this game has only been in the diary for two days,

there's no way you could have benefited from early-bird savings.

So that's an £83.90 return.

Nah, I don't think it's that much.

I know my train fares.

And in doing so, you have essentially forfeited the match,

which you could have won, had you played it.

Well, I think, erm...

And while you're here,

your team name, Stu United,

have you any idea how uninspired that is?

It's all right.

Not when you could have had Stu Alexandra or Stu-ventus.

All in all, you've been banding around the word loser an awful lot.

But I think there's only one standout loser here.

Mr Friday-Night Peak-Time Traveller On A Virgin Pendolino.

Oh, God...

I am a loser.

Impossibly tragic.

Don't thank me, Josh.

It's what best friends do for each other.

10-1.

Your brother's really rubbish at this.

# It's coming home

# It's coming home...#

So, if you kick off, I'll just let you get the hang of the controls.

Oh, my gosh! 1-0!

Oh...Josh?

# Everyone seems to know the score

# They've seen it all before

# They just know

# They're so sure

# That England's gonna throw it away

# Gonna blow it away

# But I know they can play

# Cos I remember

# Three lions on a shirt

# Jules Rimet still gleaming... #