Episode 1 Just a Minute

Welcome to Just a Minute!

APPLAUSE

Hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons

and as the Minute Waltz fades away,

it's my huge pleasure to welcome you to this special edition

of Just a Minute from the BBC Television Centre.

This year marks the 45th anniversary of Just a Minute

and to celebrate over four-and-a-half decades of radio success, they've decided

to let us deviate our way onto your television screens.

So, without further ado, please welcome to the show

the four talented performers who are going to join me.

These are, seated on my right, Paul Merton and Sue Perkins,

and seated on my left, Graham Norton and Phill Jupitus.

Please welcome all four of them.

APPLAUSE

The rules are impossibly simple until you try to play the game,

and then you find that they are possibly...simply impossible.

LAUGHTER

Well, thank you. I didn't think it was as funny as that...

I will ask each player in turn to speak on a subject that I give them

and they will try and do that

without hesitation, repetition or deviation.

At any time, one of the other three can challenge and if I uphold that challenge, they gain a point.

If not, the person speaking gains a point and continues with the subject

until the whistle goes and that tells us that 60 seconds

have elapsed, and by the way, they can repeat the subject on the card.

Phill, will you take the first subject - The Bermuda Triangle.

You have 60 seconds as usual, starting now.

The Bermuda Triangle is an area of sea that has caused

the disappearance of many travellers, be they in boats, ships,

trawlers, dinghies, aeroplanes,

balloons, schooners, dirigibles,

gliders or other methods of transport.

Its mysteries have puzzled travellers for...

BUZZER SOUNDS

Damn you!

-Sue, you challenged.

-A repeat of 'travellers.'

Yes, there were travellers before,

but what a lovely list he did there without pausing there.

Sue, you have a correct challenge.

You have 36 seconds, the Bermuda Triangle, and you start now.

The Bermuda Triangle is not, as one might think,

the special green one you get in the assortment chocolate box at Christmas,

although you can equally get lost in its charms.

It is, as Phill has so perfectly described,

an area of ocean mysterious,

where those who venture far into its clutches disappear without trace.

Some would say a conspiracy theory.

I am not cognizant of such things.

I imagine there's a tectonic plate that has shifted -

stuff goes into it, but I never studied geology.

Could it be something to do with the moon...

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

Yowza!

So she was speaking as the whistle went, gains an extra point,

and she's taken the lead.

She's ahead of everybody else.

Graham, we'd like you to begin the next round.

The subject - oh, this is interesting -

a new rule for Just a Minute.

Give it a second or two to think about that

and then talk on the subject...

It won't help!

60 seconds starting now.

A new rule for Just a Minute, which I think would be interesting and fun

and perhaps move the game on to a new level, a sort of 21st century

yee-ha extravaganza of entertainment on both the radio

and, of course, here on television,

let me get to it, sorry to keep you, so...

BUZZER SOUNDS

APPLAUSE

Sue, you challenged first.

It was running out of steam but also there was repetition of 'new.'

-Yes, you did say 'new.'

-But that's on the card!

-'A new rule.'

It is on the card, you're right! I withdraw my challenge, Graham.

-So, incorrect challenge.

-I'm a buffoon.

A new rule for Just a Minute is still with you, Graham,

and you have 37 seconds starting now.

I couldn't be happier to have this subject back.

Let me tell you about the new rule...

BUZZER SOUNDS

-Sue challenged again.

-A repeat of 'let me tell you.'

Really?

-Yes, you said it before.

-Oh, well, never mind.

Sue, a correct challenge.

A new rule for Just a Minute - 33 seconds, starting now.

I think that every time a panellist hesitates, deviate or repeats,

Nicholas should remove an item of clothing.

That would spice things up...

BUZZER SOUNDS

No.

APPLAUSE

I understand, I understand.

Paul, we liked your interruption and we give you a bonus point for that,

but what is your challenge within the rules of Just a Minute?

I think she had to be stopped. I have no challenge.

Well, you've got your bonus point because I enjoyed the interruption

but Sue was interrupted, so she keeps the subject,

a new rule for Just a Minute, and there are 24 seconds starting now.

Come on now, who here wouldn't enjoy the sight of Nicholas loosening his tie...

BUZZER SOUNDS

No.

APPLAUSE

-Repetition of Nicholas.

-Yes, that's right.

-Very good!

-Very good.

-Very good, very good.

You've played the game before, haven't you?

So, Paul, you've got in on this subject with 22 seconds to go.

A new rule for Just a Minute, starting now.

Every contestant has to speak backwards. Idea terrible a what.

That would be how it would work, but you see it's actually very difficult

to even play the game by the normal rules

of deviation, hesitation, repetition.

What point would there be if you said, you could no longer use vowels

or consonants consecutively one after the other?

It would be madness!

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

So, Paul Merton was then speaking as the whistle went

gaining an extra point for doing so, and he's now moved forward

and Sue's out in the lead.

Sue, it's actually your turn to begin.

Unwanted presents. It's a good subject.

60 seconds, Sue, starting now.

I've always found Ann Widdecombe to be an unwanted presence.

However, I don't believe that's what's on the card.

We are of course referring to the things you get on your birthday.

Maybe it's a jumper, cardigan, a book,

or, as I once received on my eighth birthday...

BUZZER SOUNDS

-Phil, you challenged.

-A couple of birthdays.

-Yes.

-Yes.

Two birthdays. Right, Phill, well listened.

You have a correct challenge, you have 45 seconds still.

Unwanted presents, and you start now.

A 78 record player was given to me by my mother and father

one Christmas, which did not meet my audio needs one jot

that particular year. I stood looking down at it...

as it played the discs... to my...

BUZZER SOUNDS

-Sue challenged.

-A bit of hesitation.

I think we call that hesitation. Yes, Sue, another point to you,

and 30 seconds still on unwanted presents, starting now.

The rule is, keep the unwanted gift in a drawer, cupboard or box.

Don't do as I did and immediately give it to a charity shop,

whereupon this particular artefact was displayed in the window,

and the friend who'd given me the gift saw...

BUZZER SOUNDS

-Graham challenged.

-Repetition of gift.

-Yes, you mentioned the gift before.

-I did.

-Graham, well listened.

You've got in with 17 seconds on unwanted presents

and your time starts now.

It was Christmas morning - ooh, I was excited -

and I got up and I ran downstairs because I'd asked for all sorts of things.

What I'd got, ladies and gentlemen,

I do not lie - it was a ginger-haired ventriloquist's dummy

called Finnegan.

Thank you very much, Santa, for that!

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

So, Graham not only was speaking as the whistle went but timed it

so the pay-off to his story came right on the whistle.

Paul, it's your turn to begin.

Oh, another delightful geographical question.

The Angel of the North.

Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.

The Archangel Gabriel appeared in front of Mary

and said, "Ey up, love, guess what, yer pregnant.

"It's gonna be a great Christmas.

"God's the Father, He's going to be the Son of God, it's going to be great,

"going to be fantastic."

That would be my impression of the Angel of the North. Of course,

there is also the magnificent sculpture

made by Antony Gormley, I believe, the sculptor, and it's there...

BUZZER SOUNDS

Sculpture and sculptor I think you'll find are two words.

So, an incorrect challenge, Paul.

You keep the subject, the Angel of the North. 40 seconds, starting now.

As I stared into the mouth of the ravenous beast,

I could see in the background an angel, magnetically pointed north.

This was the golden dream of my childhood,

to have an angel looking after me and saying, "I am your keepsake.

"Your pardoner through life.

"Do not think of me as a superstitious ethereal creature..."

BUZZER SOUNDS

Is there a nurse in the building?

-Did I go again?

-You went again. You all right? The red mist.

-I didn't start talking about the Angel Gabriel?

-You did.

Sue, what was your challenge under the rules of Just a Minute?

I think deviation from sanity.

You can be as insane as you like on Just a Minute,

as long as you keep going,

so, Paul, an incorrect challenge. Another point to you and

you still have the subject, the Angel of the North. 17 seconds, starting now.

If you look at a map of the London Underground,

you'll see that the Angel station is on the Northern line,

and indeed it is not far away from that other magnificent...

Oh, I don't know.

BUZZER SOUNDS

-Sue challenged.

-Hesitation.

Sue, nine seconds are still available.

The Angel of the North, starting now.

Gateshead's proud guardian sits with huge great wings

and took a million pounds...

BUZZER SOUNDS

-Phill challenged.

-The Angel stands, it doesn't sit.

Yeah, no, it does. I know, yeah.

Because the Angel of the South is the one that squats, isn't it?

Phill, you had a correct challenge. You have another point, of course.

The Angel of the North, five seconds, starting now.

Sitting atop the hill... Ah, I did it!

BUZZER SOUNDS

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

So we give Phill a bonus point for overacting.

-Sue, you have a correct challenge.

-Thank you.

You've cleverly got in with three seconds to go.

You haven't won any friends but you've got the subject.

And the Angel of the North, with you, Sue, starting now.

Those arms stretched...

BUZZER SOUNDS

-Paul challenged.

-Did we have arms before?

-They're not arms.

-They're sort of arms!

They're wings!

-They are wings.

-Big flappy angel wings.

Paul, correct challenge.

Five seconds to go on... no! One second to go.

And you have the Angel of the North starting now.

Angel of the North, how wonderful you are!

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

So, at the end of that round, Sue Perkins is in the lead,

the other three are following with one point separating them

and Sue, we are back with you to begin, and the subject is

my idea for Dragons' Den.

I don't know whether you have a serious one or not. It doesn't matter.

Talk on it, in this game, starting now.

I have patented Bark Begone,

the special mouth silencer for irritating dogs.

If you have a terrier, dachshund, spinone, labrador, shpitz -

anything that really has a vocal aspect to it,

simply put on the vocal alteration.

BUZZER SOUNDS

Phill.

-Couple of vocals.

-Yes, you have the subject - my idea for Dragons' Den.

40 seconds, starting now.

My idea for Dragons' Den is once I have received my instructions from

the troll master, is to approach the Den, very, very stealthily.

BUZZER SOUNDS

Graham, you spotted it first.

Two 'verys'.

It's one of the tricks of Just a Minute

which they can easily fall into.

Graham, you picked it up first and you have 33 seconds to tell us

something about my idea for Dragons' Den, starting now.

My idea for Dragons' Den is just to shut it down.

I find it quite irritating,

sitting there smug with their money on a table.

I don't think it's appropriate. Look at this, they're loving it!

They hate the show! Who knew? I thought it was a hit, but no.

They loathe it with a passion! Am I still speaking?

BUZZER SOUNDS

Paul has challenged you but you were going so well,

-the audience didn't hear it.

-There was a hesitation there.

There was a hesitation in the middle of it.

Paul, you have the subject, my idea for Dragons' Den. 15 seconds available, starting now.

I do watch the programme. Hilary's the new dragon in the den.

-(GRUFF VOICE)

-"I like it, love, but I don't think I can invest."

I find it absolutely charming,

the way these entrepreneurs address these people who have come in

with magnificent inventions, or so they think,

perhaps a lifelong dream.

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

So, Paul Merton was speaking as the whistle went, gains an extra point.

He's moved forward, now equal with Sue Perkins in the lead,

closely followed by Graham Norton, one point behind,

and then two or three behind him, Phill Jupitus.

It's very close, it's very exciting,

and you couldn't care less, could you?

Graham, it's your turn to begin.

Name dropping, that's a good subject.

60 seconds as usual, starting now.

Name dropping is rather gauche and rude, I feel,

as I was saying to Madonna only the other day

while we were chatting at Rihanna's house, who does put on a nice spread.

I was surprised, she doesn't look like she eats,

but oh, the piles of food!

Now...

BUZZER SOUNDS

-Phill, you challenged.

-Bit of a hesitation.

Hesitation!

There was a lot of "now, um, oh, well, the, ooh, ah..."

All words.

Phill, I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt.

If I can redress the balance later on, I will do so,

but you have the benefit of the doubt.

You have an incorrect challenge.

You have name dropping, 41 seconds, starting now.

I do know someone who does a lot of name-dropping

and I've just realised I can't describe it without repetition...

BUZZER SOUNDS

-Sue challenged.

-Predictive repetition.

-Because he said he's going to repeat it.

-Psychic challenge.

-Yes.

No, well, not that psychic, I said I was going to do it.

So, an incorrect challenge. Graham, you've still got the subject.

Name dropping. 55 seconds, starting now.

So, for instance,

they would say Sarah... Jessica Parker,

went up to Carrie... Fisher...

BUZZER SOUNDS

-Sue, you've got in.

-He sort of hesitated.

Yes, that was definitely hesitation.

Right, 25 seconds available for you, Sue, on name dropping, starting now.

When I met Rihanna, she was furious

that Graham had slightly despised her slacks...

BUZZER SOUNDS

-Phill challenged.

-The 'slightly despised.' Little bit of a stumble.

She's got a speech impediment too and she will be furious.

Hell hath no fury like a thwoman with a thpeech impediment.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I said if I got a chance to redress the balance,

I'd give you the benefit of the doubt.

I'm giving it to you now, Phill Jupitus.

You are nothing if not steeped in justice, Nicholas Parsons.

No, just fair justice, not stinking justice.

No, steeped.

APPLAUSE

As if I would address you like some common Mexican bandito, Nicholas.

"I don't need no steenkeeng justeece!"

I'm not a bandito. You have the subject, Phill.

Name dropping, 20 seconds, starting now.

Name dropping is something which people do in order to make

themselves look big to people they meet in the street.

BUZZER SOUNDS

-Sue challenged.

-Repetition of people.

-Yes, people do to people in the street.

Sue, well listened.

You have 15 seconds still - name dropping, starting now.

If you feel shy, awkward or insecure, it sometimes beholds you

to mention the name of somebody socially more powerful or important.

I've done this a few times, and yet in truth, I don't really know

anybody sufficiently grandiose to drop with any...

BUZZER

Hello!

APPLAUSE

I forget. Nick, forgive me. Forgive me.

-I can't believe you said that, Sue!

-I feel bad!

I just don't know him well enough.

Not until the after-show party.

-What is your challenge?

-Oh, that...

deviation from the reality of knowing you.

You open doors, Nicholas.

He's a doorman at the local bar.

You do open doors - the ones marked 'Exit.'

Graham, you got in with one second to go.

Sue laughing, laughing, laughing...

"Oh, no, really, you're giving it to him."

Name dropping starting now.

Name-dropping, yes, I've got the subject...

WHISTLE BLOWS

So, Graham...

APPLAUSE

Graham was speaking as the whistle went,

so you gain the extra point, Graham, and you are now in the lead!

Yes. Paul, we'd like you to begin the next round. The subject is 1967.

I think the reason they've chosen this subject is

that is the year in which Just a Minute began on radio.

45 years ago exactly.

Didn't get any reaction at all.

Anyway, that is the subject. 1967, Paul. 60 seconds starting now.

1967 was a very big year in culture.

We had the Beatles' Sergeant Pepper's Lonely...

Hearts Club Band

BUZZER

-Sue.

-A bit of hesitation.

A bit of hesitation. You have 54 seconds. 1967, starting now.

1967 was the summer of love

and one of the products of that psychedelic free-for-all

was the panel show, Just a Minute, where hippies

would sit around with their bongs and bell-end flares...

BUZZER

We can't broadcast that! I meant bell bottom!

APPLAUSE

Phill, what was your challenge?

I've had lots of pairs of trousers in my life, Nicholas.

Some of them very comfortable.

Let me see if I agree with you. What was it then?

-She said "bell-end flares."

-So, Phill, correct challenge.

You have another point.

The subject is still 1967 and your time starts now.

In 1967, I lived in the middle of Essex in a beautiful cottage

where for my fifth birthday I received a small motorboat

which I used to play with in a pond.

I watched it going round and round the surface...

BUZZER SOUNDS

I suck.

-Right, Paul, you spotted it first.

-Yes, round and round.

-Yes.

The subject is back with you because you began with it,

and it's still 1967 and 27 seconds starting now.

Patrick McGoohan produced the television series, The Prisoner,

which people still debate the various meanings of even today.

1967 was a magnificent year in music. Not only did we have...

BUZZER

Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.

-Sue.

-Hesitation.

-Absolutely.

17 seconds, Sue, tell us something about 1967 starting now.

My parents were in a flat in Peckham not enjoying some of

the high fandango jinks that one might think of...

BUZZER

Hesitation, Mr Parsons, sir.

I don't think she hesitated.

She might have deviated with 'the high fandango jinks.'

Then I'm out.

-I've got nothing.

-All right, you're trailing a little.

No, no, don't patronise me!

Not on television.

I never patronise.

I just give out love and warmth to my players and my guests.

So, Phill, we will love hearing from you.

1967, nine seconds, starting now.

It was a wonderful year where I would gamble around the garden with my dog

and rabbits and look at them as they would frolic to and fro in the grass.

Then, behind the bushes, I would...

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

So, Phill Jupitus was speaking as the whistle went, gains that

extra point. He's creeping up on Paul Merton who's one ahead of him.

BELL RINGS

Ah, tea time!

Does that mark the official beginning of the seance?

When do we start holding hands and try and contact the living?

So that means that we only have time for one more round.

AUDIENCE AWWWS

Oh, you are lovely. At least, four or five of you are.

Let me therefore give you the situation

as we go into the final round.

Phill Jupitus, who's doing extremely well, he is just in fourth place.

He's only one point behind Paul Merton,

then it's Graham Norton,

and just one point ahead of Graham, still in the lead, is Sue Perkins.

APPLAUSE

And Phill, it's your turn to begin. The subject is the eternal optimist.

60 seconds.

LAUGHTER

Shall we challenge now?

I almost like giving a bonus point for acting.

So, 60 seconds starting now.

The eternal optimist would think that in this point of the game

Just a Minute, he was going to surge suddenly

and capture it from his other team players.

But sadly, I know that this will not happen.

The eternal optimist is someone who will say

when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Or, perhaps another beverage might be possible to make with that fruit

but no, there's just the one.

In addition to the aforementioned fruit...

BUZZER SOUNDS

-Oh, yes. Sue, you tell us.

-A repetition of fruit.

You had more fruit than you should have had.

Sue, you listened well, you got in first. 33 seconds, starting now.

Usually, my glass is three-quarters empty, but for this round

I shall make an exception and believe that it's possible

for a great man of comedy and letters such as Phill Jupitus

to buzz in when I leave this pause and gain the points he needs to come first.

BUZZER SOUNDS

APPLAUSE

-And Paul challenged.

-Karma!

I thought Phill would be too slow.

I challenged on Phill's behalf.

Hesitation, isn't that right, Phill?

Yeah.

But you're only one point ahead of him. It's neck and neck

I think you should take your challenge, which is legitimate,

and you have the eternal optimist.

20 seconds, Paul, starting now.

I suppose being an eternal optimist is better than being an eternal pessimist -

looking at the situation and thinking maybe there is

a brighter side. The other side...

BUZZER SOUNDS

-Oh, side, yes.

-Sue challenged.

-Couple of sides.

-Couple of sides.

Sue, you have 11 seconds left on the eternal optimist, starting now.

I still believe, if I leave sufficient pause, Phill...

BUZZER SOUNDS

APPLAUSE

Phill, you were really quick there. You challenged first?

I challenged erroneously.

I don't wish to take over hosting of the show

but she said 'believe' and 'leave,' two different leaves.

LAUGHTER

And you had a correct challenge. Sue wanted you to come in, you did.

You picked it up immediately. You've got the subject, the eternal optimist.

Eight seconds starting now.

I feel that if I keep talking about this subject of the eternal optimist,

the points will be mine. If only I can maintain

this breakneck pace of talking then surely it will be...

BUZZER SOUNDS

Oh, sorry, I withdraw my challenge.

APPLAUSE

Believe you me, I'm as disappointed as you are.

I don't know what I was thinking. I saw the thing there...

Repetition of talking.

Yes, he did say talking.

Otherwise I wouldn't have pressed the buzzer.

And you got in with half a second to go.

AUDIENCE AWWWS

-Thank you, I take that as praise.

-But those are the rules of the game!

Were you disappointed during the 1966 World Cup final

when Geoff Hurst scored with three seconds to go?

"That's not fair, he hasn't given the Germans a chance.

"What sort of game is this?"

So, Paul, you have half a second on the eternal optimist starting now.

Give it to Phill!

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

So, Paul Merton speaking as the whistle went gains that extra point.

And therefore we have brought the show to a close.

Let me give you the final score

because I did say this would be the last round.

Phill Jupitus, who gave incredible value,

we love having him on the show.

He did finish in fourth place but it was a very good fourth place.

A very strong fourth place!

And he was only two points behind Graham Norton

who was in a brilliant third place.

I could have been a contender!

And he was only one point behind Paul Merton

who was a magnificent second place,

and so the winner of today's show is Sue Perkins!

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

We do hope you enjoyed this edition of Just a Minute

and will want to be with us the next time we play this amazing game.

Until then, from me, Nicholas Parsons,

and of course from our talented guests,

Paul Merton, Sue Perkins, Graham Norton and Phill Jupitus, goodbye.

Hope you'll be with us the next time we all get together

and play Just a Minute!

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd