Episode 1 Life's Too Short

This programme contains some strong language

My name is Warwick Davis.

I'm the UK's go-to dwarf.

I'm an actor. You will have seen me in the Harry Potter films,

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy,

Return of the Jedi.

Yup-yup!

That's Wicket the Ewok, my first ever character.

I'm still very good friends with George Lucas,

who created the Star Wars films,

though if I've got one criticism of George, he missed a trick.

Why did he disguise my face?

If you're paying good money for the actor Warwick Davis,

then let the people see the actor Warwick Davis.

George realised the error of his ways

because he went on to cast me in Willow there.

That film cost, I think it's 40 million,

and has...has made a lot of that back, since.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Dwarves For Hire. Warwick Davis speaking.

'I am not only an actor.'

Yep. Just get a booking form.

'I'm also an agent.'

I represent other dwarves.

You know, I've had huge success,

and this is my chance to pay that forward and help them get work.

The director's furious. He wants to fire you.

-Not my fault I don't know the song.

-You're a dwarf, how can you not know "Hi-Ho"?

-Something about whistling?

-Whistle While You Work?

-Never heard it.

-How is this possible?

-I don't know.

That's one of my clients there.

So if you need anybody, I've got all sorts.

Got that sort of look.

That one. One that looks like that.

Someone who looks like that,

you know, with a hat on. Some with long hair.

All sorts of different ones.

I mean, they're all about that high,

but they've sort of got different...

fat, thin, you know, whatever you want,

I can provide.

Why am I doing this documentary?

Because normally you see a dwarf on TV,

and he's dancing around, making a fool of himself.

I want people to see a sophisticated dwarf about town

who carries himself with dignity.

I'm a role model.

I'm a bit like Martin Luther King.

Because I too have a dream

that one day dwarves will be treated equally,

and they will walk proud, hand in hand with the rest of mankind.

You say, "No, Warwick, it's not the same.

"The dwarf wasn't taken forcibly from his homeland

"and enslaved and whipped and forced to change his name."

No, maybe not.

But then, I've never seen a black man fired from a cannon...

..every day for a whole season and twice on Saturdays.

There we go. Come in.

The old homestead.

Yeah.

Oh. Don't worry, they're not mine!

Who's this handsome devil?

Nice suit there.

That's me and my wife Sue on our wedding day.

Sue's looking lovely there.

The dress she's wearing belonged to her mother.

Her mother had sadly passed over,

so it was our way of having her at the wedding, which was nice.

Sue had to lose a lot of weight to get it on.

Not as much as I'd have liked,

but enough to squeeze into her dead mum's dress.

This is my kitchen. Cooker, sink, usual.

I was going to get all this lowered

but Sue enjoys doing the cooking, so I thought I'd leave it. Erm, good.

Here we are, look, this is Chewbacca. Hey, Chewie!

Good boy, ho-ho!

Oh, bit camera-shy.

Oh, here she is.

Sue Davis. Mrs Sue Davis, the old ball and chain.

-Hiya.

-Hello.

-You all right?

-I'm fine, thank you.

-Nice to see you.

-What are you doing here, Warwick?

-I just popped round to say hi.

You know you're not supposed to be here. You moved out.

-We're separated.

-No, not really.

-Oh, we are.

-Temporarily.

You can't keep running that round.

-You were the one that walked out.

-No, not really.

-Yes, you did.

I didn't walk out. I was back and forth to Hollywood so much,

-it wasn't fair on you.

-You weren't back and forth to Hollywood.

-Yes.

-No, you weren't. The phone hasn't rung for years.

But if it started ringing,

if George Lucas rang and said we're doing another Star Wars

I had to be ready to go, on a plane, whoosh, here I come!

If that had happened, I could have come with you.

No, cos George Lucas isn't stupid, doesn't throw his money around.

"Why do you need two tickets? You're only three foot six!"

-Tell you what happened.

-Oh, what?

-He thought...

-Here we go, what did I think. Mystic Meg here!

-What he thought was...

-Yeah, yeah.

-He thought he could do better.

He thought he could trade me in for a taller, more beautiful model,

-but he couldn't.

-No, I could, I didn't want to.

-No, you couldn't.

I could! Just didn't want to, cos I'm, you know, faithful.

Now he's back with his tail between his legs. It's too late.

-Doesn't have to be.

-It's over.

-I've moved on.

-You haven't bloody moved on. You're still in a house that I own,

so I might as well move back in.

Know what you need to do, Warwick?

Get your stuff and move out, because we're separated.

We are getting divorced.

I don't know what part of that you don't understand.

All right, calm down. Showing off.

So.

'I know you're thinking. "Warwick, why did you marry beneath yourself?" '

Why would a film star marry her

when he could have leggy blondes or Page Three girls?

Didn't want to.

If I'm walking down the street with a stunner on my arm,

everyone's going, "Oh, he's got the sexy bird cos he's a film star."

Right? So I went for a chick who...hasn't got it all out on show.

Yeah, she's not going to be in FHM magazine,

she's not going to win any Rear of the Year awards

or turn heads at an awards do, or a showbiz party,

or in the supermarket, but she's reliable.

She won't run to the papers,

"Know what Warwick likes sexually? He likes..."

It doesn't matter what Warwick likes sexually,

whatever it is, she won't write about it in her memoirs.

Not that anyone'd ask her for her memoirs,

cos she's a nobody, as I said before.

Can't reach!

Oh, excuse me. Sorry, sir, excuse me.

Could you press that top buzzer, please?

It's the top one there.

-This one?

-Yep.

BUZZER RINGS

Thanks.

'Hello?'

It's Warwick.

'Hello?'

It's Warwick.

'There's no-one there.'

Can't hear me!

Excuse me.

Could you say into that intercom, "It's Warwick Davis."

-Why?

-Because it is.

-No, it's not.

-No, you're not, I am. I just...

Then why am I saying it?

-Cos when they answer they can't hear me.

-Why can't you shout it?

Can't stand in the street shouting, "It's Warwick Davis."

-Why not?

-I'm a famous actor, I've been in films.

-I never heard of you.

-Haven't you?

-No.

If I heard someone shout, "It's Warwick Davis!"

I'd be like, "Who's Warwick Davis?"

-I am.

-Yeah, I know that now.

All right, let me tell you this.

If I start shouting, "It's Warwick Davis", it'll cause quite a stir.

-Right.

-There'll be people wanting autographs, so let's...

-Bruv,

I'll get real. Let me break it down for you.

No-one knows you.

If you were to say your name was like, Verne Troyer,

I'd be like, "Boom, Mini-Me, Austin Powers, sex tape."

-That guy's big in the game, you know.

-Oh, yeah.

You've done none of those things.

I've never seen you bruv. What films you been in?

Have you seen Return Of The Jedi?

-Who was you in that?

-I was an Ewok.

-Those little bears?

-They're not bears.

-Bruv, they're little bears.

-Right. Have you seen Willow?

-No.

Look, just press the buzzer, please.

Thank you.

Top one there.

BUZZER RINGS

'Hello?'

Yo. Warren Davis.

-Warwick Davis.

-Warwick Davis.

'Oh... OK...come up.'

Is that Ricky Gervais?

Oh, you recognise him?

That's got issues. You're welcome, bruv.

Chief!

Here we are.

Look at that.

-Comedy legends there, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant.

-Hmm.

We're all mates, aren't we? Always popping round for a chat.

You are always popping round, yeah.

I thought we made the buzzer high enough, but...

-I got a passer-by to press it.

-Passer-by? Damn!

-We didn't think of everything.

-Hmm.

Yeah, always nice to see you.

Yeah, it is, it's...it's good.

-What do you need, cos we're a bit conscious of...

-Oh, I don't know,

just...just a chat really.

-Oh!

-OK.

-You know, I was...

'You've got to be resilient in this business.

'When the phone won't stop ringing you can be choosy,

'but when it's not ringing,

'then...it's at times like this'

when you find out who your friends are, and you call in a few favours.

'I'm good friends with Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant. When you're friends

'with writers, directors, producers,

'then what's wrong with saying, "All right, chaps, what's going on?'

"Have you got any work for me?"

I don't know where to turn, to be honest. There's no work coming in

-at the minute. I just...

-OK.

Are you doing any more Extras?

-I mean maybe we could...

-No.

-What else are you working on at the minute?

-Just other TV and film.

-OK.

-And, you know...

Any actors required, perhaps?

Actors?

Do you need actors?

We will need actors for the, um, at some point.

-But not necessarily...

-Not...

Not..?

If we do, though, we would like...

-Yeah, cos you were brilliant in The Office.

-Extras.

Extras. Yeah, whatever.

We did have someone like that in The Office, though?

-Wheelchair.

-We had a wheelchair one.

-Same ballpark.

-Oh, yeah.

-But, um...no.

-OK, well,

remember me when you're writing.

-Definitely.

-Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, you know I mentioned

things weren't so good between myself and my wife?

Well, recently, it took a turn for the worse, I'm afraid.

She's going through with a divorce. I don't know what went wrong.

Always delivered in the bedroom department, I think, you know?

Um...

-No, it's...

-You know,

several times a week,

which is unusual, I think,

this far into a marriage. What was it? Ten years almost, yeah.

But um, always had a good go.

Ah. That's...

that's the main thing, innit?

I want to tell you this, Ricky,

I always took care of her needs before I moved on to mine.

RICKY CLEARS THROAT

I could tell you some of the things we did.

No! No point.

It's just...it's, um...

No, I could take your word for it.

All a bit sad really.

Yeah.

Right, um,

-good to see you chaps.

-It is! Always nice to see you. Cheers.

-Thanks for coming.

-See you soon.

-OK.

-Oh, yeah, just one more thing.

-Go on.

Just getting back to the divorce situation, I wondered,

have you got any advice?

Um, well,

my advice would be, ask Steve

cos he's great at that sort of...thing.

About what?

Just the divorce.

-The divorce thing.

-You know, it's all new to me so I don't know what to...

My advice would probably be just to, um,

do whatever you think is the right thing to do in this situation.

What good advice that is.

-Do whatever?

-Yeah.

You agree with that, yeah?

If Steve says so, yeah.

Just do whatever. OK, yeah.

-All right, chaps. Cheers.

-Are you definitely off?

-See you.

-Bye.

Do whatever!

-What do I know? I didn't even realise he was married.

-Oh, God!

Erm...well, that went well.

It's always good to get their perspective on things,

and, you know, now I'm in their minds for any future...

Shaun!

Shaun Williamson, from Extras.

-Hello.

-What are you doing here, then?

Oh, just seeing the boys about a few things.

So they are doing more Extras?

-I don't know, I'm just returning their dry cleaning.

-Oh.

-Doing a few errands for 'em, you know?

-Yeah.

It's all cash and just, you know, it keeps me busy,

gets me out the house, so, um...

-Work's dried up a bit since Extras, to be honest.

-Yeah, same here.

What is this, then?

Documentary.

-What, about...?

-About me, yeah.

-That's good exposure for you.

-That's what I thought,

it's all good.

-See you later.

-Yeah, see you later, yeah.

BUZZER RINGS

'Hello?'

Right, what was I saying?

'Oh, hi, come up.'

Yeah, now I'm in their minds for any future work and stuff,

cos they're always writing and er, and producing stuff,

so they're the people to know.

Cheryl Wilkins. That's you.

Bit of background on me before we start.

I'm an entrepreneur,

and hoping to expand my operation here.

That's partly why I need new staff.

Also, my wife used to work here

but she's currently going through a divorce situation

with me,

so um, so I need a new secretary,

which could be you.

I'm looking at your CV, and I see

not a lot of experience.

-No.

-That will mean I can't pay you a lot initially.

That's fine. Mum just wants me out the house.

I can live rent-free if I don't come home till six at night.

Right.

What are your interests? You know, tell me a bit about Cheryl.

-Do you have a pet?

-I've got two pets that are related to each other.

-They're dogs.

-Ah!

But we sort of call them

different things, like,

they've got names.

Oh, yeah, obviously, they're dogs,

and you've given them names,

which is not unusual, I don't think you'll find. It's just...

OK, what are your hopes for the future?

Sales and marketing.

And that's it? That's your dream?

No. My dream is to sort of establish

that people that go to the moon are actually going to the moon

and they're not just pretending.

I've got a few more people to see.

Actually there's no-one else to see. You're hired.

Yeah, we do have people that can do leprechauns.

How many do you want?

'Being restricted in height does not make you restricted in talent.'

I wouldn't go for seven, cos seven tends to make people think dwarves.

If they're meant to be leprechauns I'd go with six or eight.

There's loads of little people with immense talent,

and that's what I'm trying to show the world.

DUET: # Ebony and Ivory

# Live together in perfect harmony... #

Can I be honest?

Um...awful, obviously.

That's the least of our worries.

A lot of boxes ticked. We've got dwarves,

blacking up, and you know,

I may be wrong but I don't think you can do that any more.

Maybe in the North. So, we've got dwarves,

blacking up, singing "Ebony and Ivory". It's a very mixed message.

And I'm a lesbian.

I didn't even know one of you was a girl.

-So, here we are at the offices of my accountant.

-Yep.

-Eric.

-Biddle. Mr Biddle.

Yeah, he's not only my accountant, he's a friend.

Yeah, we go way back, don't we?

-Um...

-Long way, yeah.

-Years and years, isn't it?

It smells a bit iffy in here today.

-It's like something rotting. You know that smell of...

-Is it that?

Oh! What is it?

It's a chicken. I had it for lunch.

-When?

-About a week ago.

Then empty the bloody bin!

It's not my job to empty the bins.

I'm an accountant, not a bloody cleaner.

Right.

Have you spoken to the Inland Revenue? What's the latest?

Yes. They are not pressing charges.

They don't think it's fraud. I've told them you didn't know what you were doing.

It's you who didn't know what he was doing. You're my accountant.

-You're supposed to tell me if I owe tax.

-Yeah, I know, but...

The original figure they said I owed was 250,000. Where are we now?

Well, I was cheeky, I said, "he won't do it again,"

there was a bit of back and forth,

and the figure I arrived at was £50,000.

£50,000? That's great!

Wait, no. They said no to that.

A very definite no.

So what was the figure you agreed on?

£250,000.

-That's what they wanted to start with!

-Yes, but...

That's not negotiating! You just agreed with them!

But the tax people know what they're talking about.

They understand your accounts better than me.

I'm not going to argue with them.

-You're supposed to argue!

-And piss off the Inland Revenue?

I've got other clients to think of, better clients.

I don't want them tarred by your bloody mistakes.

-That you made.

-Yeah, exactly!

'I've known Eric for about 25 years now.'

He wanted to be a top accountant. I wanted to be a Hollywood star.

I have to earn £250,000 by January?

More actually,

cos you have to pay 40% tax on what you earn, so...

I never realised, back then, what a poor accountant he would become.

Hang on, I'm confused, sorry.

-Am I being thick?

-No, no, it is confusing,

tax, percentages and everything,

I always get stuff wrong. I get letters!

And the smell makes it hard to concentrate, to be honest.

He really is shit at it.

How much do I need to earn?

Let's have a look. 250,000

times...

CALCULATOR WHIRRS

Oop! Er, times...

Does this do percentages?

It should do. Where is it? Ah, there.

Now, do I press times percentage?

'If he wasn't a mate, I'd have fired him 24 years ago, but...'

250,000...

'..he is a mate, and I can't fire him.'

Is 0.4 the same? Isn't that like saying 40% of something?

'In fact, he's more like a stray dog than a mate'

cos I've been feeding him for so long,

you know, I can't stop now,

cos if I do, I know he'll just sit outside

waiting, and...and starve to death.

Pounds.

Then pay the tax on that.

Um... pay off the 250 grand,

and you'll be left with...£20,000.

I'd have 20 grand? I can live on that,

that's not so bad... Hang on.

Didn't higher rate tax go up from 40% to 50% in the UK recently?

Gee, ohh....

Ohhh...

Wuh-wuh-buh-buh-buh....

Can I ask you something, Warwick?

How do you keep getting into this office?

'The great thing about being friends with influential people

'is that through them, you get to meet other influential people.'

I mean if either of you, or both, could come along,

-it'd really help.

-I can't...

'That's how this business operates. It's all about networking.'

-You'd enjoy it.

-I wouldn't, trust me.

BUZZER RINGS Warwick, you've got to go.

-Hello?

-'It's Liam Neeson.'

-Come in.

-I've worked with him.

-OK, but you've got to go. Sorry, guys.

DOOR CLOSES

I could just...

-There is he.

-Hello!

-Hi.

-That's Warwick, he's just going.

Hiya. We worked together on Star Wars, Phantom Menace.

-Oh yeah?

-We had a scene together.

-It was cut, though. Remember?

-OK.

Thanks for seeing me.

I'm here because I'm thinking of, uh,

I'm thinking of doing some comedy.

Oh, right like a comedy movie?

No, on stage.

Stand-up comedy, live comedy of some kind.

Wow!

I'm a funny guy - aren't I?

I'm funny, right?

Yeah.

Definitely.

Here's some of the stuff I'd like to work on.

Improv, stand-up comedy,

funny monologues,

crazy characters, sketches,

slapstick, anecdotes, parody, yeah?

Yeah.

You notice this list, huh? I'm always making lists.

Oh, right.

In fact, that's probably why Steven Spielberg cast me

as Oskar Schindler in Schindler's List.

I said, "Steven, I make lists all the time."

And he said, "That's exactly what I'm looking for."

What? What's funny?

Sorry, I thought you were joking

about being cast as Schindler cos you made lists.

No.

As an actor, you need stuff to draw on,

and I drew on that.

OK. Wow.

OK, let's do some improvisational comedy.

-I can't now, Liam.

-It's a bad time...

Let's do some improvisational comedy, now.

OK...

Give us a scenario, Warwick.

Um, right, OK, er...

You're a hypochondriac and Ricky's a doctor.

Excellent.

OK.

-Knock knock.

-Come in.

-Hello.

-Oh no, not you again!

I've never been here before.

Sorry, I thought...

as you're a hypochondriac, you'd have been to the doctor before.

Don't presume. That's a backstory we didn't agree on beforehand.

No, I know,

-but that's improv, you go with the flow.

-I don't take notes.

OK.

-Can we go again, because you ruined that?

-Sorry.

-Knock knock.

-Come in.

-Hi.

-Hi, how's it going? What seems to be the problem?

I've contracted AIDS.

-How did you get that?

-From an African prostitute.

I'm...I'm riddled with it.

The prostitute's from an African country that's,

that's ravaged by starvation, so...

..so selling her body was the only financial recourse she had left.

-Do you mind if I interject?

-Go on.

I think it's getting quite heavy, this sketch,

and I just wonder if perhaps, just for the sake of comedy,

you might not want to have contracted AIDs

from an African prostitute. Just...

OK.

All right.

Knock knock.

Come in.

-Hi.

-Hi, what seems to be the problem?

-As I said before, I've got full-blown AIDS.

-Right.

-Do you want to know how I got it?

-Sure.

From a well known homosexual actor.

Wow. OK.

-It was

-(BLEEP).

I wouldn't say the name, cos of...

I got it from an unspecific actor.

-Does he know he has AIDS?

-Who,

-(BLEEP)

-?

Again, sorry, I just wouldn't name them. And also, I just think

AIDS is, as I've said before, just a really heavy subject for comedy.

Ah. OK.

Hmm.

I could have bowel cancer.

Yeah,

cancer though, and AIDS, and famine,

-aren't really subjects for comedy.

-How does he get away with it, then?

We don't know.

We shouldn't have a doctor in the sketch

-if I can't talk about AIDS.

-OK.

Any suggestions?

Oh, um...you're a greengrocer

and Ricky comes in to complain.

I've played Rob Roy MacGregor, Michael Collins, Oskar Schindler,

Zeus, for God's sake.

-No-one will believe me as a grocer.

-Change your accent.

-Lots of actors do it.

-He doesn't. How does he get away with it?

Again, we don't know.

Let's just do our own accents and get this done, shall we?

OK, greengrocer.

Tring!

We're closed.

-I think the shop has to be open for us to do the sketch.

-OK.

-Sorry.

Tring!

Yes?

Um, I'd like to make a complaint.

I bought some fruit yesterday. When I got home, some of it was rotten.

That's not my fault.

Well, it's your shop and it was sold on your premises, so...

Uh-uh. I wasn't here.

-Doesn't matter, you've got to...

-I was at the doctor's.

-OK.

-I've got AIDS.

-Thought you might have.

Yep, that's it, that's really good.

-Yeah.

-You're going to storm it, boy.

-OK, brilliant, good luck with that.

-Well done.

-Don't forget your little list.

-Yeah.

You're off as well, aren't you, Warwick?

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

-OK, see you guys.

-OK.

-All right. Cheers.

Everything that happens, happens for a reason.

Some things are sent to test you.

I'm not the sort of bloke who lives in the past, who goes,

"Oh, I wish it was still the 1980s, those were the glory days.

"I was doing Willow, Return of the Jedi, work was rolling in."

I'm not like that.

I'm going to list all the positives.

I'm not destitute,

not a drug addict,

not riddled with AIDS.

And there was a chance of catching that in the '80S,

from a woman.

Right? If I'd caught it from anyone it would have been a woman.

But, to be honest, I wasn't really shagging in the '80s.

In the '90s

I dipped my wick a few times,

so watch this space.

Plenty more wick dipping to come.

In women. Just want to make that totally clear.

I'm not a homosexual.

So, where are you staying?

Just probably a guest house.

You got everything?

-Yeah.

-You got your special shampoo?

Yes.

Don't worry, it's almost cleared up anyway.

So, yeah.

OK, well, bye.

-See you.

-See you.

Lovely day.

Do you want to go into the toilet with me?

-You getting all this?

-Fuck off!

Would you be guest of honour at our wedding?

Do you believe in aliens?

Be grateful the phone doesn't ring. It might be Sting.

His real name's Gordon!

You're a disgusting little creature and I want to squash you.

He can't afford a solicitor. I'm his accountant!

Give me a kiss.

Hmm...

She's changed the locks!

She's changed the back door too.

What were you thinking?

I was thinking, I put over £400,000 into this house

and, er, the dog, bless it,

has contributed very little to the mortgage, yet

it can come and go as it pleases.

And I thought, I'll have a bit of that.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]