Episode 1 Life's Too Short


Episode 1

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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My name is Warwick Davis.

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I'm the UK's go-to dwarf.

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I'm an actor. You will have seen me in the Harry Potter films,

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Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy,

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Return of the Jedi.

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Yup-yup!

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That's Wicket the Ewok, my first ever character.

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I'm still very good friends with George Lucas,

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who created the Star Wars films,

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though if I've got one criticism of George, he missed a trick.

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Why did he disguise my face?

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If you're paying good money for the actor Warwick Davis,

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then let the people see the actor Warwick Davis.

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George realised the error of his ways

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because he went on to cast me in Willow there.

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That film cost, I think it's 40 million,

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and has...has made a lot of that back, since.

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PHONE RINGS

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Hello? Dwarves For Hire. Warwick Davis speaking.

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'I am not only an actor.'

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Yep. Just get a booking form.

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'I'm also an agent.'

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I represent other dwarves.

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You know, I've had huge success,

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and this is my chance to pay that forward and help them get work.

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The director's furious. He wants to fire you.

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-Not my fault I don't know the song.

-You're a dwarf, how can you not know "Hi-Ho"?

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-Something about whistling?

-Whistle While You Work?

-Never heard it.

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-How is this possible?

-I don't know.

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That's one of my clients there.

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So if you need anybody, I've got all sorts.

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Got that sort of look.

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That one. One that looks like that.

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Someone who looks like that,

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you know, with a hat on. Some with long hair.

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All sorts of different ones.

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I mean, they're all about that high,

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but they've sort of got different...

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fat, thin, you know, whatever you want,

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I can provide.

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Why am I doing this documentary?

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Because normally you see a dwarf on TV,

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and he's dancing around, making a fool of himself.

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I want people to see a sophisticated dwarf about town

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who carries himself with dignity.

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I'm a role model.

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I'm a bit like Martin Luther King.

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Because I too have a dream

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that one day dwarves will be treated equally,

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and they will walk proud, hand in hand with the rest of mankind.

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You say, "No, Warwick, it's not the same.

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"The dwarf wasn't taken forcibly from his homeland

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"and enslaved and whipped and forced to change his name."

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No, maybe not.

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But then, I've never seen a black man fired from a cannon...

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..every day for a whole season and twice on Saturdays.

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There we go. Come in.

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The old homestead.

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Yeah.

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Oh. Don't worry, they're not mine!

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Who's this handsome devil?

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Nice suit there.

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That's me and my wife Sue on our wedding day.

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Sue's looking lovely there.

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The dress she's wearing belonged to her mother.

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Her mother had sadly passed over,

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so it was our way of having her at the wedding, which was nice.

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Sue had to lose a lot of weight to get it on.

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Not as much as I'd have liked,

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but enough to squeeze into her dead mum's dress.

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This is my kitchen. Cooker, sink, usual.

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I was going to get all this lowered

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but Sue enjoys doing the cooking, so I thought I'd leave it. Erm, good.

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Here we are, look, this is Chewbacca. Hey, Chewie!

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Good boy, ho-ho!

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Oh, bit camera-shy.

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Oh, here she is.

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Sue Davis. Mrs Sue Davis, the old ball and chain.

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-Hiya.

-Hello.

-You all right?

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-I'm fine, thank you.

-Nice to see you.

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-What are you doing here, Warwick?

-I just popped round to say hi.

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You know you're not supposed to be here. You moved out.

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-We're separated.

-No, not really.

-Oh, we are.

-Temporarily.

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You can't keep running that round.

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-You were the one that walked out.

-No, not really.

-Yes, you did.

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I didn't walk out. I was back and forth to Hollywood so much,

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-it wasn't fair on you.

-You weren't back and forth to Hollywood.

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-Yes.

-No, you weren't. The phone hasn't rung for years.

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But if it started ringing,

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if George Lucas rang and said we're doing another Star Wars

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I had to be ready to go, on a plane, whoosh, here I come!

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If that had happened, I could have come with you.

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No, cos George Lucas isn't stupid, doesn't throw his money around.

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"Why do you need two tickets? You're only three foot six!"

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-Tell you what happened.

-Oh, what?

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-He thought...

-Here we go, what did I think. Mystic Meg here!

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-What he thought was...

-Yeah, yeah.

-He thought he could do better.

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He thought he could trade me in for a taller, more beautiful model,

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-but he couldn't.

-No, I could, I didn't want to.

-No, you couldn't.

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I could! Just didn't want to, cos I'm, you know, faithful.

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Now he's back with his tail between his legs. It's too late.

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-Doesn't have to be.

-It's over.

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-I've moved on.

-You haven't bloody moved on. You're still in a house that I own,

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so I might as well move back in.

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Know what you need to do, Warwick?

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Get your stuff and move out, because we're separated.

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We are getting divorced.

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I don't know what part of that you don't understand.

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All right, calm down. Showing off.

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So.

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'I know you're thinking. "Warwick, why did you marry beneath yourself?" '

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Why would a film star marry her

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when he could have leggy blondes or Page Three girls?

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Didn't want to.

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If I'm walking down the street with a stunner on my arm,

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everyone's going, "Oh, he's got the sexy bird cos he's a film star."

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Right? So I went for a chick who...hasn't got it all out on show.

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Yeah, she's not going to be in FHM magazine,

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she's not going to win any Rear of the Year awards

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or turn heads at an awards do, or a showbiz party,

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or in the supermarket, but she's reliable.

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She won't run to the papers,

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"Know what Warwick likes sexually? He likes..."

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It doesn't matter what Warwick likes sexually,

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whatever it is, she won't write about it in her memoirs.

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Not that anyone'd ask her for her memoirs,

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cos she's a nobody, as I said before.

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Can't reach!

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Oh, excuse me. Sorry, sir, excuse me.

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Could you press that top buzzer, please?

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It's the top one there.

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-This one?

-Yep.

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BUZZER RINGS

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Thanks.

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'Hello?'

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It's Warwick.

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'Hello?'

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It's Warwick.

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'There's no-one there.'

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Can't hear me!

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Excuse me.

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Could you say into that intercom, "It's Warwick Davis."

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-Why?

-Because it is.

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-No, it's not.

-No, you're not, I am. I just...

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Then why am I saying it?

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-Cos when they answer they can't hear me.

-Why can't you shout it?

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Can't stand in the street shouting, "It's Warwick Davis."

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-Why not?

-I'm a famous actor, I've been in films.

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-I never heard of you.

-Haven't you?

-No.

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If I heard someone shout, "It's Warwick Davis!"

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I'd be like, "Who's Warwick Davis?"

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-I am.

-Yeah, I know that now.

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All right, let me tell you this.

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If I start shouting, "It's Warwick Davis", it'll cause quite a stir.

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-Right.

-There'll be people wanting autographs, so let's...

-Bruv,

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I'll get real. Let me break it down for you.

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No-one knows you.

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If you were to say your name was like, Verne Troyer,

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I'd be like, "Boom, Mini-Me, Austin Powers, sex tape."

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-That guy's big in the game, you know.

-Oh, yeah.

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You've done none of those things.

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I've never seen you bruv. What films you been in?

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Have you seen Return Of The Jedi?

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-Who was you in that?

-I was an Ewok.

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-Those little bears?

-They're not bears.

-Bruv, they're little bears.

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-Right. Have you seen Willow?

-No.

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Look, just press the buzzer, please.

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Thank you.

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Top one there.

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BUZZER RINGS

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'Hello?'

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Yo. Warren Davis.

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-Warwick Davis.

-Warwick Davis.

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'Oh... OK...come up.'

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Is that Ricky Gervais?

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Oh, you recognise him?

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That's got issues. You're welcome, bruv.

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Chief!

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Here we are.

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Look at that.

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-Comedy legends there, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant.

-Hmm.

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We're all mates, aren't we? Always popping round for a chat.

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You are always popping round, yeah.

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I thought we made the buzzer high enough, but...

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-I got a passer-by to press it.

-Passer-by? Damn!

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-We didn't think of everything.

-Hmm.

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Yeah, always nice to see you.

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Yeah, it is, it's...it's good.

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-What do you need, cos we're a bit conscious of...

-Oh, I don't know,

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just...just a chat really.

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-Oh!

-OK.

-You know, I was...

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'You've got to be resilient in this business.

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'When the phone won't stop ringing you can be choosy,

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'but when it's not ringing,

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'then...it's at times like this'

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when you find out who your friends are, and you call in a few favours.

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'I'm good friends with Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant. When you're friends

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'with writers, directors, producers,

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'then what's wrong with saying, "All right, chaps, what's going on?'

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"Have you got any work for me?"

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I don't know where to turn, to be honest. There's no work coming in

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-at the minute. I just...

-OK.

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Are you doing any more Extras?

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-I mean maybe we could...

-No.

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-What else are you working on at the minute?

-Just other TV and film.

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-OK.

-And, you know...

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Any actors required, perhaps?

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Actors?

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Do you need actors?

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We will need actors for the, um, at some point.

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-But not necessarily...

-Not...

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Not..?

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If we do, though, we would like...

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-Yeah, cos you were brilliant in The Office.

-Extras.

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Extras. Yeah, whatever.

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We did have someone like that in The Office, though?

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-Wheelchair.

-We had a wheelchair one.

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-Same ballpark.

-Oh, yeah.

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-But, um...no.

-OK, well,

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remember me when you're writing.

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-Definitely.

-Oh, yeah.

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Oh, yeah, you know I mentioned

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things weren't so good between myself and my wife?

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Well, recently, it took a turn for the worse, I'm afraid.

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She's going through with a divorce. I don't know what went wrong.

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Always delivered in the bedroom department, I think, you know?

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Um...

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-No, it's...

-You know,

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several times a week,

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which is unusual, I think,

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this far into a marriage. What was it? Ten years almost, yeah.

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But um, always had a good go.

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Ah. That's...

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that's the main thing, innit?

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I want to tell you this, Ricky,

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I always took care of her needs before I moved on to mine.

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RICKY CLEARS THROAT

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I could tell you some of the things we did.

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No! No point.

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It's just...it's, um...

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No, I could take your word for it.

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All a bit sad really.

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Yeah.

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Right, um,

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-good to see you chaps.

-It is! Always nice to see you. Cheers.

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-Thanks for coming.

-See you soon.

-OK.

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-Oh, yeah, just one more thing.

-Go on.

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Just getting back to the divorce situation, I wondered,

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have you got any advice?

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Um, well,

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my advice would be, ask Steve

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cos he's great at that sort of...thing.

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About what?

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Just the divorce.

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-The divorce thing.

-You know, it's all new to me so I don't know what to...

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My advice would probably be just to, um,

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do whatever you think is the right thing to do in this situation.

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What good advice that is.

0:11:440:11:45

-Do whatever?

-Yeah.

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You agree with that, yeah?

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If Steve says so, yeah.

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Just do whatever. OK, yeah.

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-All right, chaps. Cheers.

-Are you definitely off?

-See you.

-Bye.

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Do whatever!

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-What do I know? I didn't even realise he was married.

-Oh, God!

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Erm...well, that went well.

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It's always good to get their perspective on things,

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and, you know, now I'm in their minds for any future...

0:12:100:12:13

Shaun!

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Shaun Williamson, from Extras.

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-Hello.

-What are you doing here, then?

0:12:180:12:20

Oh, just seeing the boys about a few things.

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So they are doing more Extras?

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-I don't know, I'm just returning their dry cleaning.

-Oh.

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-Doing a few errands for 'em, you know?

-Yeah.

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It's all cash and just, you know, it keeps me busy,

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gets me out the house, so, um...

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-Work's dried up a bit since Extras, to be honest.

-Yeah, same here.

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What is this, then?

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Documentary.

0:12:400:12:43

-What, about...?

-About me, yeah.

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-That's good exposure for you.

-That's what I thought,

0:12:490:12:52

it's all good.

0:12:520:12:53

-See you later.

-Yeah, see you later, yeah.

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BUZZER RINGS

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'Hello?'

0:12:590:13:00

Right, what was I saying?

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'Oh, hi, come up.'

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Yeah, now I'm in their minds for any future work and stuff,

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cos they're always writing and er, and producing stuff,

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so they're the people to know.

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Cheryl Wilkins. That's you.

0:13:170:13:21

Bit of background on me before we start.

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I'm an entrepreneur,

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and hoping to expand my operation here.

0:13:250:13:29

That's partly why I need new staff.

0:13:290:13:31

Also, my wife used to work here

0:13:310:13:34

but she's currently going through a divorce situation

0:13:340:13:38

with me,

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so um, so I need a new secretary,

0:13:390:13:42

which could be you.

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I'm looking at your CV, and I see

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not a lot of experience.

0:13:470:13:48

-No.

-That will mean I can't pay you a lot initially.

0:13:480:13:52

That's fine. Mum just wants me out the house.

0:13:520:13:54

I can live rent-free if I don't come home till six at night.

0:13:540:13:57

Right.

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What are your interests? You know, tell me a bit about Cheryl.

0:13:580:14:02

-Do you have a pet?

-I've got two pets that are related to each other.

0:14:020:14:05

-They're dogs.

-Ah!

0:14:050:14:08

But we sort of call them

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different things, like,

0:14:110:14:13

they've got names.

0:14:130:14:15

Oh, yeah, obviously, they're dogs,

0:14:150:14:19

and you've given them names,

0:14:190:14:21

which is not unusual, I don't think you'll find. It's just...

0:14:210:14:24

OK, what are your hopes for the future?

0:14:240:14:28

Sales and marketing.

0:14:280:14:30

And that's it? That's your dream?

0:14:300:14:32

No. My dream is to sort of establish

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that people that go to the moon are actually going to the moon

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and they're not just pretending.

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I've got a few more people to see.

0:14:430:14:45

Actually there's no-one else to see. You're hired.

0:14:450:14:48

Yeah, we do have people that can do leprechauns.

0:14:570:15:00

How many do you want?

0:15:000:15:01

'Being restricted in height does not make you restricted in talent.'

0:15:010:15:05

I wouldn't go for seven, cos seven tends to make people think dwarves.

0:15:050:15:09

If they're meant to be leprechauns I'd go with six or eight.

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There's loads of little people with immense talent,

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and that's what I'm trying to show the world.

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DUET: # Ebony and Ivory

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# Live together in perfect harmony... #

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Can I be honest?

0:15:300:15:31

Um...awful, obviously.

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That's the least of our worries.

0:15:330:15:35

A lot of boxes ticked. We've got dwarves,

0:15:350:15:38

blacking up, and you know,

0:15:380:15:39

I may be wrong but I don't think you can do that any more.

0:15:390:15:42

Maybe in the North. So, we've got dwarves,

0:15:420:15:44

blacking up, singing "Ebony and Ivory". It's a very mixed message.

0:15:440:15:48

And I'm a lesbian.

0:15:480:15:49

I didn't even know one of you was a girl.

0:15:490:15:51

-So, here we are at the offices of my accountant.

-Yep.

0:16:020:16:06

-Eric.

-Biddle. Mr Biddle.

0:16:060:16:08

Yeah, he's not only my accountant, he's a friend.

0:16:080:16:10

Yeah, we go way back, don't we?

0:16:100:16:12

-Um...

-Long way, yeah.

-Years and years, isn't it?

0:16:120:16:15

It smells a bit iffy in here today.

0:16:150:16:17

-It's like something rotting. You know that smell of...

-Is it that?

0:16:170:16:20

Oh! What is it?

0:16:200:16:22

It's a chicken. I had it for lunch.

0:16:220:16:23

-When?

-About a week ago.

0:16:230:16:25

Then empty the bloody bin!

0:16:250:16:27

It's not my job to empty the bins.

0:16:270:16:29

I'm an accountant, not a bloody cleaner.

0:16:290:16:32

Right.

0:16:320:16:33

Have you spoken to the Inland Revenue? What's the latest?

0:16:330:16:36

Yes. They are not pressing charges.

0:16:360:16:39

They don't think it's fraud. I've told them you didn't know what you were doing.

0:16:390:16:43

It's you who didn't know what he was doing. You're my accountant.

0:16:430:16:46

-You're supposed to tell me if I owe tax.

-Yeah, I know, but...

0:16:460:16:49

The original figure they said I owed was 250,000. Where are we now?

0:16:490:16:53

Well, I was cheeky, I said, "he won't do it again,"

0:16:530:16:56

there was a bit of back and forth,

0:16:560:16:57

and the figure I arrived at was £50,000.

0:16:570:17:00

£50,000? That's great!

0:17:000:17:02

Wait, no. They said no to that.

0:17:020:17:04

A very definite no.

0:17:040:17:06

So what was the figure you agreed on?

0:17:060:17:09

£250,000.

0:17:090:17:10

-That's what they wanted to start with!

-Yes, but...

0:17:100:17:13

That's not negotiating! You just agreed with them!

0:17:130:17:15

But the tax people know what they're talking about.

0:17:150:17:18

They understand your accounts better than me.

0:17:180:17:21

I'm not going to argue with them.

0:17:210:17:22

-You're supposed to argue!

-And piss off the Inland Revenue?

0:17:220:17:25

I've got other clients to think of, better clients.

0:17:250:17:28

I don't want them tarred by your bloody mistakes.

0:17:280:17:30

-That you made.

-Yeah, exactly!

0:17:300:17:32

'I've known Eric for about 25 years now.'

0:17:320:17:35

He wanted to be a top accountant. I wanted to be a Hollywood star.

0:17:350:17:38

I have to earn £250,000 by January?

0:17:380:17:41

More actually,

0:17:410:17:43

cos you have to pay 40% tax on what you earn, so...

0:17:430:17:47

I never realised, back then, what a poor accountant he would become.

0:17:470:17:51

Hang on, I'm confused, sorry.

0:17:510:17:54

-Am I being thick?

-No, no, it is confusing,

0:17:540:17:57

tax, percentages and everything,

0:17:570:17:58

I always get stuff wrong. I get letters!

0:17:580:18:00

And the smell makes it hard to concentrate, to be honest.

0:18:000:18:03

He really is shit at it.

0:18:030:18:06

How much do I need to earn?

0:18:060:18:08

Let's have a look. 250,000

0:18:080:18:11

times...

0:18:110:18:12

CALCULATOR WHIRRS

0:18:120:18:13

Oop! Er, times...

0:18:130:18:15

Does this do percentages?

0:18:150:18:16

It should do. Where is it? Ah, there.

0:18:160:18:19

Now, do I press times percentage?

0:18:190:18:21

'If he wasn't a mate, I'd have fired him 24 years ago, but...'

0:18:210:18:24

250,000...

0:18:240:18:26

'..he is a mate, and I can't fire him.'

0:18:260:18:29

Is 0.4 the same? Isn't that like saying 40% of something?

0:18:290:18:32

'In fact, he's more like a stray dog than a mate'

0:18:320:18:35

cos I've been feeding him for so long,

0:18:350:18:37

you know, I can't stop now,

0:18:370:18:39

cos if I do, I know he'll just sit outside

0:18:390:18:42

waiting, and...and starve to death.

0:18:420:18:44

Pounds.

0:18:450:18:47

Then pay the tax on that.

0:18:470:18:49

Um... pay off the 250 grand,

0:18:490:18:54

and you'll be left with...£20,000.

0:18:540:18:58

I'd have 20 grand? I can live on that,

0:18:590:19:02

that's not so bad... Hang on.

0:19:020:19:03

Didn't higher rate tax go up from 40% to 50% in the UK recently?

0:19:030:19:08

Gee, ohh....

0:19:140:19:16

Ohhh...

0:19:160:19:18

Wuh-wuh-buh-buh-buh....

0:19:180:19:20

Can I ask you something, Warwick?

0:19:280:19:30

How do you keep getting into this office?

0:19:300:19:32

'The great thing about being friends with influential people

0:19:320:19:36

'is that through them, you get to meet other influential people.'

0:19:360:19:40

I mean if either of you, or both, could come along,

0:19:400:19:43

-it'd really help.

-I can't...

0:19:430:19:44

'That's how this business operates. It's all about networking.'

0:19:440:19:47

-You'd enjoy it.

-I wouldn't, trust me.

0:19:470:19:49

BUZZER RINGS Warwick, you've got to go.

0:19:490:19:51

-Hello?

-'It's Liam Neeson.'

0:19:510:19:53

-Come in.

-I've worked with him.

-OK, but you've got to go. Sorry, guys.

0:19:530:19:57

DOOR CLOSES

0:19:570:20:00

I could just...

0:20:000:20:01

-There is he.

-Hello!

0:20:010:20:03

-Hi.

-That's Warwick, he's just going.

0:20:030:20:05

Hiya. We worked together on Star Wars, Phantom Menace.

0:20:050:20:08

-Oh yeah?

-We had a scene together.

0:20:080:20:10

-It was cut, though. Remember?

-OK.

0:20:100:20:12

Thanks for seeing me.

0:20:120:20:13

I'm here because I'm thinking of, uh,

0:20:130:20:16

I'm thinking of doing some comedy.

0:20:160:20:18

Oh, right like a comedy movie?

0:20:180:20:21

No, on stage.

0:20:210:20:22

Stand-up comedy, live comedy of some kind.

0:20:220:20:26

Wow!

0:20:260:20:28

I'm a funny guy - aren't I?

0:20:280:20:29

I'm funny, right?

0:20:320:20:33

Yeah.

0:20:330:20:35

Definitely.

0:20:350:20:37

Here's some of the stuff I'd like to work on.

0:20:370:20:40

Improv, stand-up comedy,

0:20:400:20:43

funny monologues,

0:20:430:20:45

crazy characters, sketches,

0:20:450:20:47

slapstick, anecdotes, parody, yeah?

0:20:470:20:51

Yeah.

0:20:510:20:53

You notice this list, huh? I'm always making lists.

0:20:530:20:56

Oh, right.

0:20:560:20:57

In fact, that's probably why Steven Spielberg cast me

0:20:570:21:01

as Oskar Schindler in Schindler's List.

0:21:010:21:03

I said, "Steven, I make lists all the time."

0:21:030:21:08

And he said, "That's exactly what I'm looking for."

0:21:080:21:12

What? What's funny?

0:21:130:21:14

Sorry, I thought you were joking

0:21:140:21:16

about being cast as Schindler cos you made lists.

0:21:160:21:18

No.

0:21:180:21:20

As an actor, you need stuff to draw on,

0:21:200:21:22

and I drew on that.

0:21:220:21:24

OK. Wow.

0:21:240:21:26

OK, let's do some improvisational comedy.

0:21:260:21:30

-I can't now, Liam.

-It's a bad time...

0:21:300:21:32

Let's do some improvisational comedy, now.

0:21:320:21:35

OK...

0:21:370:21:39

Give us a scenario, Warwick.

0:21:390:21:40

Um, right, OK, er...

0:21:400:21:42

You're a hypochondriac and Ricky's a doctor.

0:21:420:21:45

Excellent.

0:21:470:21:48

OK.

0:21:480:21:50

-Knock knock.

-Come in.

0:21:530:21:55

-Hello.

-Oh no, not you again!

0:21:550:21:58

I've never been here before.

0:21:590:22:00

Sorry, I thought...

0:22:000:22:03

as you're a hypochondriac, you'd have been to the doctor before.

0:22:030:22:06

Don't presume. That's a backstory we didn't agree on beforehand.

0:22:060:22:10

No, I know,

0:22:100:22:12

-but that's improv, you go with the flow.

-I don't take notes.

0:22:120:22:15

OK.

0:22:150:22:17

-Can we go again, because you ruined that?

-Sorry.

0:22:170:22:21

-Knock knock.

-Come in.

0:22:210:22:22

-Hi.

-Hi, how's it going? What seems to be the problem?

0:22:220:22:25

I've contracted AIDS.

0:22:250:22:27

-How did you get that?

-From an African prostitute.

0:22:300:22:35

I'm...I'm riddled with it.

0:22:350:22:39

The prostitute's from an African country that's,

0:22:390:22:43

that's ravaged by starvation, so...

0:22:430:22:45

..so selling her body was the only financial recourse she had left.

0:22:460:22:50

-Do you mind if I interject?

-Go on.

0:22:500:22:52

I think it's getting quite heavy, this sketch,

0:22:520:22:54

and I just wonder if perhaps, just for the sake of comedy,

0:22:540:22:58

you might not want to have contracted AIDs

0:22:580:23:00

from an African prostitute. Just...

0:23:000:23:02

OK.

0:23:020:23:04

All right.

0:23:050:23:06

Knock knock.

0:23:060:23:07

Come in.

0:23:070:23:08

-Hi.

-Hi, what seems to be the problem?

0:23:080:23:11

-As I said before, I've got full-blown AIDS.

-Right.

0:23:110:23:14

-Do you want to know how I got it?

-Sure.

0:23:140:23:17

From a well known homosexual actor.

0:23:170:23:18

Wow. OK.

0:23:180:23:20

-It was

-(BLEEP).

0:23:200:23:22

I wouldn't say the name, cos of...

0:23:220:23:24

I got it from an unspecific actor.

0:23:240:23:26

-Does he know he has AIDS?

-Who,

-(BLEEP)

-?

0:23:260:23:29

Again, sorry, I just wouldn't name them. And also, I just think

0:23:290:23:33

AIDS is, as I've said before, just a really heavy subject for comedy.

0:23:330:23:37

Ah. OK.

0:23:370:23:39

Hmm.

0:23:390:23:41

I could have bowel cancer.

0:23:410:23:42

Yeah,

0:23:420:23:44

cancer though, and AIDS, and famine,

0:23:440:23:46

-aren't really subjects for comedy.

-How does he get away with it, then?

0:23:460:23:50

We don't know.

0:23:500:23:52

We shouldn't have a doctor in the sketch

0:23:520:23:55

-if I can't talk about AIDS.

-OK.

0:23:550:23:56

Any suggestions?

0:23:560:23:58

Oh, um...you're a greengrocer

0:23:580:24:01

and Ricky comes in to complain.

0:24:010:24:03

I've played Rob Roy MacGregor, Michael Collins, Oskar Schindler,

0:24:030:24:07

Zeus, for God's sake.

0:24:070:24:08

-No-one will believe me as a grocer.

-Change your accent.

0:24:080:24:11

-Lots of actors do it.

-He doesn't. How does he get away with it?

0:24:110:24:14

Again, we don't know.

0:24:140:24:16

Let's just do our own accents and get this done, shall we?

0:24:160:24:19

OK, greengrocer.

0:24:190:24:20

Tring!

0:24:210:24:23

We're closed.

0:24:230:24:24

-I think the shop has to be open for us to do the sketch.

-OK.

-Sorry.

0:24:240:24:27

Tring!

0:24:290:24:30

Yes?

0:24:300:24:32

Um, I'd like to make a complaint.

0:24:320:24:33

I bought some fruit yesterday. When I got home, some of it was rotten.

0:24:330:24:37

That's not my fault.

0:24:370:24:39

Well, it's your shop and it was sold on your premises, so...

0:24:390:24:43

Uh-uh. I wasn't here.

0:24:430:24:45

-Doesn't matter, you've got to...

-I was at the doctor's.

-OK.

0:24:450:24:48

-I've got AIDS.

-Thought you might have.

0:24:480:24:50

Yep, that's it, that's really good.

0:24:520:24:54

-Yeah.

-You're going to storm it, boy.

0:24:540:24:56

-OK, brilliant, good luck with that.

-Well done.

0:24:560:24:59

-Don't forget your little list.

-Yeah.

0:24:590:25:02

You're off as well, aren't you, Warwick?

0:25:020:25:05

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

-OK, see you guys.

0:25:050:25:07

-OK.

-All right. Cheers.

0:25:070:25:09

Everything that happens, happens for a reason.

0:25:230:25:25

Some things are sent to test you.

0:25:260:25:29

I'm not the sort of bloke who lives in the past, who goes,

0:25:290:25:32

"Oh, I wish it was still the 1980s, those were the glory days.

0:25:320:25:35

"I was doing Willow, Return of the Jedi, work was rolling in."

0:25:350:25:39

I'm not like that.

0:25:390:25:41

I'm going to list all the positives.

0:25:410:25:43

I'm not destitute,

0:25:450:25:47

not a drug addict,

0:25:470:25:49

not riddled with AIDS.

0:25:490:25:51

And there was a chance of catching that in the '80S,

0:25:530:25:57

from a woman.

0:25:570:25:58

Right? If I'd caught it from anyone it would have been a woman.

0:25:580:26:01

But, to be honest, I wasn't really shagging in the '80s.

0:26:010:26:05

In the '90s

0:26:050:26:07

I dipped my wick a few times,

0:26:070:26:10

so watch this space.

0:26:100:26:11

Plenty more wick dipping to come.

0:26:110:26:14

In women. Just want to make that totally clear.

0:26:150:26:19

I'm not a homosexual.

0:26:210:26:22

So, where are you staying?

0:26:260:26:28

Just probably a guest house.

0:26:280:26:31

You got everything?

0:26:310:26:33

-Yeah.

-You got your special shampoo?

0:26:330:26:35

Yes.

0:26:350:26:36

Don't worry, it's almost cleared up anyway.

0:26:360:26:39

So, yeah.

0:26:390:26:40

OK, well, bye.

0:26:400:26:42

-See you.

-See you.

0:26:420:26:43

Lovely day.

0:26:490:26:51

Do you want to go into the toilet with me?

0:26:590:27:01

-You getting all this?

-Fuck off!

0:27:010:27:04

Would you be guest of honour at our wedding?

0:27:040:27:06

Do you believe in aliens?

0:27:060:27:08

Be grateful the phone doesn't ring. It might be Sting.

0:27:080:27:11

His real name's Gordon!

0:27:110:27:12

You're a disgusting little creature and I want to squash you.

0:27:120:27:17

He can't afford a solicitor. I'm his accountant!

0:27:170:27:20

Give me a kiss.

0:27:200:27:22

Hmm...

0:27:220:27:23

She's changed the locks!

0:27:310:27:33

She's changed the back door too.

0:27:350:27:37

What were you thinking?

0:27:370:27:38

I was thinking, I put over £400,000 into this house

0:27:420:27:47

and, er, the dog, bless it,

0:27:470:27:49

has contributed very little to the mortgage, yet

0:27:490:27:52

it can come and go as it pleases.

0:27:520:27:54

And I thought, I'll have a bit of that.

0:27:540:27:57

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:570:27:59

E-mail [email protected]

0:27:590:28:01

With his career on the slide, a massive tax bill, and his wife divorcing him, showbiz dwarf Warwick Davis is forced to open his doors to a film crew 24/7. He seeks advice from old pals Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, but Liam Neeson has beaten him to it.


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