Episode 2 Life's Too Short


Episode 2

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Transcript


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This programme contains very strong language.

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-'My name is Warwick Davis. I'm an actor...' Have you heard of a film called Willow?

-No.

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Not many people have, to be honest. '..an entrepreneur.'

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You're hired.

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'Soon to be divorced.'

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-You're supposed to move out. We're separated.

-Not really.

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'Oh, and I've got a massive tax bill.'

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How am I supposed to make that much money?

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'Today I'm at the biggest science fiction and fantasy convention in the UK.

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'It's the fans' best day ever,

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'cos they get to meet their heroes, and say thanks for everything.

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'It's also a great day for me because, you know,

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'I can say thank you for watching.'

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My chance to give them something.

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That's £25, please.

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There you go. £25, please. Thank you.

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Cheryl? Right.

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-Hello.

-Hello.

-All right?

-This is my son Michael.

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-Hi, Michael. How's it going? All right?

-He's got a tumour.

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Oh! Sorry to hear that.

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He really loves you. He loves all your films, don't you?

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Thank you.

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-He'd really like a picture.

-Yeah, sure.

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Shall I put Michael on here?

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Thank you so much. It's really made his day.

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Oh, it's a pleasure. There we go. £25, please.

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What?

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£25.

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-You're going to charge us?

-Yeah.

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What, even with his tumour?

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It's very sad and everything, but the sign does say £25, you know.

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I've got to treat everyone the same,

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or it's not fair. Anyone could say they've a tumour.

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They wouldn't.

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-You'd be surprised. A lot of people would.

-Who?

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Angie Watts did in EastEnders.

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You remember? Dirty Den went mental at her. Rightly so.

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OK, but he has got an actual tumour.

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So you say. I don't know.

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-Well, let's assume that he's got a tumour, because he has.

-Yeah.

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And if it turns out he hasn't, you can go mental

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and I'll send you £25. How's that?

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-Everyone's happy.

-No, cos I'm not happy. I'm down £25.

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-You're the one that's happy.

-I'm not happy because he's got a tumour.

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But no less so than when you started. You came here with a tumour,

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you're getting more tumours, whereas I'm without

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the £25 I'm entitled to. Look at the sign.

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I can't believe that you're being serious.

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Once word gets out I'm giving away pictures to people with tumours,

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-everyone will be going, "Oh, poor me! I've got a tumour!"

-No-one's going to do that!

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They're more likely to go, "Wow, what a nice guy!

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"He gives away free pictures to people with tumours."

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Yeah, all right. So you'll make sure that message gets out then?

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Right, um...

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Yeah, Warwick Davis giving away a free picture

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to officially diagnosed tumours. See, it's what I do. Nice guy, see?

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-I've got a tumour.

-No, you haven't.

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No, not a tumour, I meant AIDS.

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-You haven't got AIDS.

-Haven't I?

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No. To get AIDS, you have to have had sex at least once.

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Good point!

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Who's it to?

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My mates call me Morpheus.

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-Do they?

-No, I haven't got any mates.

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Just put Terry.

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£25. Thank you very much.

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-Hiya.

-Tumour.

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Oh, for f...!

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-Hi.

-Hi.

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We are giant fans,

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and we're getting married in a few weeks.

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It's a Star Wars-themed wedding.

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-Oh, right.

-We're wondering, would you be guest of honour?

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Er...

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-When is it?

-July the 14th.

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-This year?

-Yeah.

-Ah...

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Diary is pretty full this year.

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-Not this year, it's not.

-No, there is some stuff in there.

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-No, the diary's completely empty. Look.

-It's not completely empty.

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It is, look. See, it's completely empty.

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-Yeah. Thanks for that, Cheryl(!)

-We could pay you, obviously.

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I mean, not much. Maybe £500?

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If... If I could squeeze you in - and it is an if -

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what would my duties be? I mean, would I best man?

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-No, that's my brother Rob.

-Sure he's the right man for the job?

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Has he had experience of public speaking?

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He's looking forward to it. We're best friends.

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OK. Well, shall we just say that, you know, if Rob crashes and burns

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and the whole evening falls flat, then I'll be straight up there to save the day.

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-OK. If that happens, then sure.

-Great!

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And if it does happen, it'll be an extra £250. Just so you know.

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I've got a great Star Wars anecdote about a certain cast member

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who asked me to smuggle cocaine for her through LAX Airport

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cos she said there's not a customs officer in the world

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who wants to stick their finger up a dwarf's arse.

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-OK. Well, let's see how Rob gets on first.

-It's your special day.

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-Hi, excuse me.

-Hiya.

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Would you mind being interviewed for the local news?

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-Local news? Yeah, sure.

-Good.

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-Great.

-How are you?

-Very well, how are you?

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Good. Yes, very good.

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-I didn't actually know who you were.

-Oh.

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-He recognised you.

-Oh, yeah?

-Said you were famous.

-A bit.

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Who are you?

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-Warwick Davis.

-So just start on me and then go over to the, er...

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OK. What's your name again?

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-It's Warwick Davis.

-Warwick Davis?

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-Yeah.

-Davis. Warwick Davis, Warwick Davis.

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Warwick Davis, I'm here with Warwick Davis.

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-You were in Star Wars, right?

-That's right, yeah.

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Let's go. You rolling?

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Hello, I'm joined with... Ah, cut!

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-Sorry. "Joined with"? What does that mean?

-It's OK.

-It's not OK.

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Mistakes like that are why I'm still at this channel.

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Been here three years.

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Still doing shitty little interviews with nobodies.

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Let's go again.

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-What's your name again?

-Warwick Davis.

-Warwick Davis.

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Warwick Davis. Yeah.

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I'm with Warwick Davis, Star of the Star Wars films.

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-That is a cut as well.

-It was going well.

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It's not going well!

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Star of the Star Wars films. Don't patronise me, thank you.

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-And also don't speak until I've introduced you. Right?

-Right.

-OK.

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Camera's on me, I say your name,

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-then the camera goes on you. Guess what? That's when you speak.

-OK.

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Say who you are and why you're here. Then we're done.

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Been up since six for this! OK, we're going here?

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Hi, I'm with Warwick Davis.

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Yeah. Er, I was in Star Wars - Return of the Jedi,

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the Harry Potter films, playing Flitwick.

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I was also in the Leprechaun films, the first one famously starred

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a very young Jennifer Anniston.

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-You were in a film with Jennifer Anniston?

-Yeah.

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My God! Any interesting stories?

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-No, not really.

-Fuck's sake! Cut!

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OK, what are you doing?

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-What?

-Don't set me up with that then have nothing.

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-We look like prats.

-There's no story.

-Clutching at straws here!

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-Well, she's..

-You say Jennifer Aniston, I'll leap on it.

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-Don't send me down a cul de sac, right?

-OK.

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Send one more shoddy report this week, I'm out on my ear.

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This doesn't get on telly, you don't get on telly.

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Brilliant(!) Do yourself a favour. Have you got both of us in?

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Have you just got his head? It's a dwarf, if you just show his head that's the same as on anyone.

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Can we put him on the table please, so we can just see...

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-Well, I don't think I should.

-Get on the table so we can see you're a bloody dwarf!

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What are you doing?

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All right, OK, if I just get on the chair is that OK?

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Get on a chair.

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OK. Right, you see?

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OK, you ready? OK, let's do it.

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I'm here with Warwick Davis, from Star Wars, and others. Go.

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-Yeah, um, I was in, er, Star Wars: Return of the Jedi...

-Yes.

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Played Wicket the Ewok.

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-Er, I was in the Harry Potter films.

-Of course.

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-The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy.

-Yeah. Time Bandits.

-No, I wasn't in that.

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Fuck off! Cunt! Dwarf!

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Fucking hell!

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Cut. Sorry, my bad!

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That's my bad, sorry.

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Have you got any interesting stories about, um, about Star Wars?

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Well, yeah, I've got a good story about how my grandmother got me the part.

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Shall we do that? OK?

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-Right.

-Here we go again.

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Hello, I'm with Warwick Davis, Star dwarf, Star Wars dwarf.

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Go on. How d'you get that part?

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I was 11 and my grandmother was listening to the radio...

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Oh, my God, The A-Team van, the A-Team van.

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Good, OK.

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He's gone to interview what is essentially a second-hand car.

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Not a massive earner today. Made 250 quid,

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which is why we're going to have a brainstorming session.

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Do you know what that is? It just... Throw out any money-making ideas you've got, right?

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Brain storming, OK.

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I'll make some notes.

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We'll start with number one, OK?

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In your own time.

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The company is called Dwarves For Hire. Is that right?

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Yes, it is, yeah, yeah.

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-Why do you have to only do acting? Could you do other stuff?

-Such as?

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Chimney sweep.

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Chimney sweep? Why am I suddenly doing that?

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-Well, it used to be children, didn't it?

-100 years ago, yeah.

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But it's cruel to send children up there nowadays, so...

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So it's not cruel to send a dwarf up there?

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No, because you're an adult, aren't you? Oh, are you not? Oh, I thought you're an adult.

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Yeah, of course I'm an adult,

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but I'm also a businessman and I've been in loads of big films.

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Why am I suddenly running up chimneys?

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You wouldn't have to run up there, I could help you up.

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Right so, so your business idea is you shoving me up a chimney?

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Well, you wouldn't actually necessarily have to go up there at all.

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When my gran used to have her chimney cleaned, the bloke

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would come round, cover everything up with sheets then stick a long brush up there. You could do that.

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Right, so now I'm not even taking advantage of my size.

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I'm just a chimney sweep?

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Or I could be at the bottom, and you could be at the end of the pole

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cleaning the top of the chimney, doing a great job,

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and people would come round and go, "Wow, that is the cleanest chimney ever!

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"How did you do that?"

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"I had a dwarf on a pole."

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"Which one?" "Warwick Davis."

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"Who's Warwick Davis?" "He's an actor."

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"What's he been in?" "Films."

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"Which ones?"

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"I can't remember.

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"These ones."

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Right. That idea's safe.

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Um, make a note, "Dwarf on pole".

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Good, um, moving on to number two.

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You could do other stuff that's too dangerous for children.

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Like what?

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You could be used as bait to catch a paedophile.

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Go on. How would this work?

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You in a little dress, with bunches in your hair,

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just playing in the woods waiting for paedophiles to come up to you,

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and molest you.

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Why am I dressed as a little girl? Why can't I be a boy?

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I don't think there's any gay paedophiles.

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There's loads of gay paedophiles.

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Also, they won't have done anything wrong because if a paedophile comes up to me and offers me some sweets,

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all he's done is give a dwarf some sweets. That's not illegal.

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What happens if a real kid comes over and wants to play?

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I'm a grown man dressed as a little girl playing with a kid in the woods.

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Straight to prison. Next.

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You could hide in places too small for other people to hide in.

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I don't even know what job that is.

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Forget it.

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It's just, it's not working.

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Just...

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There's nothing come in, no job offers at all?

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-No, nothing really.

-Oh.

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Oh. Oh, yeah, Johnny Depp's agent called.

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What?

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Give it...

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You didn't want to mention this?

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'So Johnny is doing this movie, it's called Tim Burton's Rumpelstiltskin.

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'Tim is directing, obviously, it is Johnny and Helen Bonham Carter.

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-'Johnny will be playing Rumpelstiltskin, an evil dwarf from the classic fairy tale.'

-OK.

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'But you may know Johnny's a real method actor,

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'he spends a lot of time researching his roles

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'and he wants to meet and understand what it's like to be a little person.'

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Fantastic. He's made the right decision.

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I totally understand what it's like to be a little person.

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'Great! Obviously Johnny will pay you for your time.

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'We thought a week's work, Monday to Friday, £1,000 a day.

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£5,000?

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'Yeah. Is that OK?'

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Yeah, that's good, yeah.

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'Are you free from Monday next week?'

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Er, let's just, er, just check the old diary.

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Er, it's pretty chocca so, er, you know, we'll have to shift a few things around.

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You've got nothing but a back wax.

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Yeah. No, I'm all set. Great.

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-'Great. Johnny will see you at the Dorchester at ten o'clock Monday.'

-OK, see you then. Bye.

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-'Bye.'

-Oh!

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Oh, I can't believe you're meeting Johnny Depp.

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He is my favourite film star.

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He's one of the handsomest men on earth, and he's intelligent,

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and brilliant at acting, and rich.

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-Probably wouldn't go out with me, though, would he?

-Probably not.

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Course, he's married, isn't he?

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He is sadly, otherwise you'd be straight in there.

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Not bad, is it? Being a muse to one of the biggest movie stars of all time.

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I'm not going to tell him how to say his lines, no.

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I'm not going to tell him how to play a dwarf.

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I'm going to tell him how to be a dwarf,

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how to think like a dwarf, how to feel like a dwarf.

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Then they'll use special effects to make him small like a dwarf.

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Team effort.

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Hello. Oh, ho-ho, wow!

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-That's perfect.

-OK.

-It's perfect. Yeah you just, just move...

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-All right?

-Just go and do whatever you would normally do.

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Crazy little walk. Where do you sit?

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On like a chair, sofa? Or like, er, on the floor, cross-legged?

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Can you actually, can you do cross-legged?

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-Not really, I just normally sit in a chair.

-Really?

-Yeah. Shall we, shall I sit down?

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Yeah, yeah, please, please.

0:14:240:14:26

Wow...! He hopped on the chair.

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-It's, it's great.

-Cool.

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He's kind of like a grub coming out of an apple,

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seeing the world for the first time.

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All right.

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-So may I ask you a question?

-Mm-hm.

-If you were struck by lightning,

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bolt of lightning, bam!

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-Right?

-Yeah.

-What do you do?

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-Dead!

-Maybe not.

-OK.

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Can I just see you out of that chair,

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on that floor?

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-Standing here like this?

-Yeah.

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-Just you and me.

-Yeah.

-We're standing here talking.

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-Bang-bang, bang-bang, bang-bang, bam!

-Ba!

0:15:010:15:04

-A bolt of lightning is going to knock you down.

-OK.

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-Bam!

-Ah! Oh!

-Stand up.

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Fucking stand up. That's great.

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-Ah!

-That noise!

-Yeah.

-Noise is fantastic. Let's do the noise again.

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Cool, right.

0:15:180:15:20

-Agh!

-Agh!

-Agh!

-Agh!

0:15:200:15:23

-Agh!

-Aghhhh! That's fantastic! Oh, God that's great!

-Yeah, cool.

-That's really great.

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It's like a...it's like a weird baby crow that's been left by its mother,

0:15:290:15:33

and the little legs started flailing.

0:15:330:15:36

-Did they?

-And, er... Yeah, they did. Sorry, I'm just making notes.

0:15:360:15:41

Have you heard of, erm...Michael Flatley?

0:15:410:15:45

-Er, yeah.

-Yes, hmm.

0:15:450:15:46

-The Lord Of The Dance.

-Oh, yeah.

0:15:460:15:49

-Right. Here we go, you and me.

-Yeah. What are we going to do?

-The Lord Of The Dance.

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Faster.

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Fucking give me passion.

0:15:580:16:00

No, come on!

0:16:030:16:04

That's not Michael Flatley.

0:16:040:16:06

-Lord Of The Dance!

-Yeah.

-Lord Of The Dance!

-Yeah.

0:16:080:16:11

Faster. Faster. More, more!

0:16:110:16:14

So, there's one scene,

0:16:170:16:21

er...that I need to see,

0:16:210:16:24

cos at one point

0:16:240:16:26

Rumpelstiltskin climbs up through the sewers...

0:16:260:16:30

-Right.

-..to escape the villagers.

0:16:300:16:32

-OK.

-OK?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

0:16:320:16:37

How do you want to do that?

0:16:370:16:39

Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

0:16:390:16:42

Oh, God! It's far too much.

0:16:420:16:45

It's an evil toilet dwarf.

0:16:470:16:49

Yeah.

0:16:490:16:51

-Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

-OK.

0:16:510:16:54

Ugh! Ooo-ugh!

0:16:540:16:58

How do you feel?

0:16:580:17:00

Erm, feet are a bit wet, to be honest.

0:17:000:17:03

So what is a typical day for you?

0:17:030:17:07

-Um.

-I want to see what you do, I want to see what you do. How you do it.

0:17:070:17:10

-What you do?

-Same as you probably, really.

0:17:100:17:13

-Um, just sort of having important meetings, doing some brilliant acting.

-Mm.

0:17:130:17:17

Um, hanging out with famous people, sort of thing.

0:17:170:17:20

Like, who like?

0:17:200:17:22

Other dwarves, like tiny men?

0:17:220:17:23

-Sometimes.

-Er, yeah. But, I mean, today,

0:17:230:17:25

I'm going to cruise down and meet a couple of good friends of mine...

0:17:250:17:28

Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant.

0:17:280:17:31

Ricky Gervais?

0:17:310:17:32

Mm hm.

0:17:320:17:35

Can I come with you?

0:17:350:17:37

Sure, yeah. Yeah.

0:17:370:17:38

-Good.

-Let's do it, yeah?

-Yeah.

0:17:380:17:40

There they are, the lads.

0:17:450:17:47

-Hi.

-Hello, lads.

-So, yeah, I pop in here, what, every other day to see you guys, don't I?

0:17:470:17:51

-Seems like it, yeah.

-Have you, er, have you met before? Johnny this is Stephen.

0:17:510:17:55

-Hello, pleased to meet you.

-No.

0:17:550:17:56

-And Ricky there.

-I actually remember him from the Golden Globes.

0:17:560:18:00

-Hi.

-Yeah.

-How's it going?

0:18:000:18:02

I'm fine. Just doing another film that's going to make loads of money...

0:18:020:18:07

probably a lot more money than any film you've ever...ahem...made.

0:18:070:18:10

Good.

0:18:100:18:13

And you?

0:18:130:18:15

Er, yeah just, just writing, I write and direct all my own stuff.

0:18:150:18:20

How great for you.

0:18:210:18:23

That must be so great. I'm working with a great director - Tim Burton.

0:18:230:18:26

Have you ever heard of him?

0:18:260:18:28

Of course. Yeah.

0:18:280:18:29

And the film itself is really brilliant and I'm playing a very interesting character.

0:18:290:18:34

Do you have any idea who my leading lady is on this film?

0:18:340:18:38

-Erm, in the Tim Burton film?

-Um, yeah.

0:18:380:18:41

Helena Bonham Carter?

0:18:410:18:43

-How d'you know?

-Stab in the dark.

0:18:430:18:45

-She thinks you're an idiot.

-Sorry, have I done something to offend you?

0:18:450:18:49

What do you mean, like,

0:18:490:18:51

trashing me in front of 200 million people at the Golden Globes?

0:18:510:18:55

That was a while ago, they were jokes, Johnny...

0:18:550:18:59

-Oh, they were jokes?

-Yeah.

-You like jokes?

-Yes.

0:18:590:19:01

Good, cos I got together with a few pals, after the awards,

0:19:010:19:06

and we wrote some jokes...

0:19:060:19:08

about you.

0:19:080:19:10

And I want you to know this, I want you to carry this with you for the rest of your days.

0:19:100:19:15

No-one makes fun of Tim Allen on my watch...

0:19:150:19:20

and gets away with it.

0:19:210:19:23

Don't say anything, just keep that in you, OK?

0:19:230:19:27

Here are my jokes.

0:19:270:19:28

What is nastier than Ricky Gervais's jokes?

0:19:280:19:32

His teeth!

0:19:320:19:33

Why do people instantly dislike Ricky Gervais? Because it saves time!

0:19:350:19:39

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

0:19:390:19:41

Why did Ricky Gervais do a series of audio books?

0:19:410:19:45

So that the blind could hate him as well.

0:19:450:19:47

Now, this is from Angelina.

0:19:490:19:51

"Tell Ricky Gervais that me and Brad have a picture of him on our mantelpiece,

0:19:510:19:55

"because it keeps the kids away from the fire."

0:19:550:19:59

And why isn't Ricky Gervais circumcised?

0:19:590:20:03

Because there's no end to that prick.

0:20:030:20:06

Did you quit Twitter recently?

0:20:060:20:08

Well, about two years ago.

0:20:080:20:10

-But you quit Twitter?

-Yeah.

-Right.

-Yes.

0:20:100:20:12

And did you quit because it only has 140 characters?

0:20:120:20:14

Well, the joke I made at the time was I'm so verbose

0:20:140:20:18

that I can't say everything in 140 letters, so...

0:20:180:20:21

-Right.

-Do the joke. What's the joke?

0:20:210:20:23

I hear that Ricky Gervais quit Twitter recently because it only has 140 characters.

0:20:230:20:29

Well, that's 139 more characters

0:20:290:20:34

than he's ever come up with.

0:20:340:20:35

Good joke. The telling of it took about as long as long as

0:20:350:20:38

Pirates Of The Caribbean 3, but yeah, it's a good joke.

0:20:380:20:41

You're laughing.

0:20:420:20:43

Well, it's just...

0:20:430:20:45

-You fucking laughed.

-Mm...

-What, are you dissing Pirates now?

0:20:450:20:49

-No.

-Really?

-It's a good movie, I thought it was...

0:20:490:20:52

Just a bit long though, which he picked up on.

0:20:520:20:56

-People love that movie.

-Oh, yeah.

0:20:560:20:58

What is wrong with you people?

0:20:580:21:00

Seriously, why do you pick on movie stars? What have I done wrong?

0:21:000:21:05

-Picking on..

-I'm trying to express myself, man, to help people.

0:21:050:21:08

-Sure.

-Give joy to the masses.

-Right.

0:21:080:21:12

Is that a crime? Is that a crime?

0:21:120:21:14

Seriously.

0:21:140:21:16

No..

0:21:160:21:17

No.

0:21:170:21:19

No more.

0:21:190:21:21

No more.

0:21:210:21:23

These Hollywood stars are so touchy, aren't they?

0:21:420:21:44

Tell me about it.

0:21:440:21:46

Well, that's five grand down the drain!

0:21:480:21:51

Still, I've got that wedding on Saturday and that's cash in hand.

0:21:510:21:55

Pick yourself up, dust yourself down, Warwick.

0:21:550:21:58

Onwards and upwards!

0:21:580:21:59

Five grand, though!

0:22:010:22:04

-Well, here he is.

-Hello.

-Hi, nice to see you again. Warwick.

0:22:230:22:28

-Where's your Ewok outfit?

-My...?

0:22:280:22:31

Ewok outfit, where is it?

0:22:310:22:33

-What do you mean?

-Well, obviously we want you dressed as an Ewok.

0:22:330:22:36

-What do you mean, obviously?

-Why else would we invite you?

-For my celebrity status?

0:22:360:22:41

I invite dwarves to my wedding willy-nilly if they're not bringing anything to the table.

0:22:410:22:45

You didn't bring the Ewok costume.

0:22:450:22:47

Why would I walk around with a costume?

0:22:470:22:50

That was for a film. Why do you actually need me?

0:22:500:22:52

Anyone could walk around dressed as an Ewok.

0:22:520:22:55

That's not Dave Prowse, and that's not Anthony Daniels, that's not Kenny Baker in a dustbin there.

0:22:550:23:00

-Yeah, it is actually.

-Is it?

0:23:000:23:03

Oh! Hey, Kenny, it's Warwick.

0:23:030:23:06

My future wife is expecting to see an Ewok at her wedding.

0:23:080:23:12

You want me to, magic up an Ewok costume?

0:23:120:23:14

Could get like a bear outfit...

0:23:140:23:16

-Ewoks aren't bears.

-Could someone pop to Hamley's for a big toy bear and put him in it?

0:23:160:23:21

What am I? A pair of pyjamas?

0:23:210:23:22

I've got a big toy bear my brother won at the fair. I could get that.

0:23:220:23:27

-Would you mind?

-No, I don't want it, it stinks, the dog humps it all the time.

0:23:270:23:32

-Great, yes, get the stinky bear.

-Excuse me, I'm still here, you know.

0:23:320:23:36

And, finally, just like to say a few words about

0:23:530:23:57

Emma's grandmother, Vera, who sadly passed away very recently.

0:23:570:24:01

We're certain that she's looking down on us today wishing them all the love in the world,

0:24:010:24:07

so please raise your glasses as we toast the bride and...

0:24:070:24:09

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hang on a minute, hang on.

0:24:090:24:12

Let's not go out on a dead gran, let's have a bit of a laugh here.

0:24:120:24:15

Um, here we go, just, er, hop up.

0:24:150:24:20

Oh! Thank you very much. I will take that.

0:24:200:24:23

I'd just like to say a few words. Let's end on a high...

0:24:230:24:25

That's a good effort but a bit depressing for a wedding.

0:24:250:24:29

I'm Warwick and I'm the other best man and I'm going to keep this speech short, like myself!

0:24:290:24:35

The groom is not just a huge fan of mine but he's also a huge

0:24:380:24:42

a cricket fan and I know he's been waiting to find out the Test results.

0:24:420:24:47

It's all right, mate, they're negative!

0:24:470:24:49

And there's only one thing that's hit more balls

0:24:500:24:53

than Ian Botham's bat, and that's Emma's chin!

0:24:530:24:56

AWKWARD SILENCE

0:24:560:25:00

Traditionally, the best man's speech is when you make the groom feel uncomfortable for five minutes.

0:25:050:25:10

which is exactly what Nigel does to Emma in bed.

0:25:100:25:13

SILENCE

0:25:130:25:16

I mean, he makes her feel uncomfortable as he's not very good in bed.

0:25:170:25:21

Not cos he's making her do something she doesn't want to do,

0:25:210:25:24

like forcing her to do anal.

0:25:240:25:27

OK.

0:25:320:25:34

Um, er, and looking around the room you know I can see

0:25:340:25:37

you're thinking if I'm the best man, why is Nigel marrying Emma?

0:25:370:25:42

Cos I didn't get her pregnant.

0:25:420:25:44

What's, what's the matter with her, what...?

0:25:490:25:51

-She can't have kids.

-What?

0:25:510:25:53

She can't have children.

0:25:530:25:54

There's no way I could have known she's barren.

0:25:570:25:59

GUESTS GROAN

0:25:590:26:01

This is ridiculous.

0:26:010:26:03

It's ridiculous, you've got to chill out, honestly.

0:26:070:26:12

You don't know how lucky you are to have me here.

0:26:120:26:15

Twat!

0:26:160:26:19

Big laughs and thanks for that.

0:26:190:26:22

So...

0:26:270:26:29

Emma's gran.

0:26:290:26:31

ALL: Emma's gran.

0:26:310:26:32

Emma's gran.

0:26:320:26:35

She needs a drink!

0:26:350:26:36

'What a week!

0:26:380:26:40

'It started off so well.'

0:26:400:26:42

Star of a convention, didn't make any money.

0:26:420:26:44

Then Johnny Depp comes along, supposed to get five grand, I blow that.

0:26:440:26:48

And then get paid to come to a wedding - blew that.

0:26:480:26:52

What am I doing?

0:26:520:26:55

Sometimes I seriously think I should just give up this lark and get a proper job.

0:26:550:26:59

What could you do instead?

0:26:590:27:01

There's the rub.

0:27:030:27:05

You're stealing the best roles for yourself.

0:27:120:27:14

It's really hard to act opposite this, given the way it looks.

0:27:140:27:18

I just said, first off get a bra that fits...

0:27:180:27:20

She's weak minded and vulnerable and easily persuaded.

0:27:220:27:25

That's how he got her, yes.

0:27:250:27:26

He's more your run-of-the-mill kind of chap.

0:27:260:27:29

-What's all this?

-We want to talk to you.

0:27:290:27:32

-I can't have its face staring at me.

-It?!

0:27:320:27:34

Can we lose the face?

0:27:340:27:35

Right, that's one for Great Ormond Street.

0:27:390:27:42

Signed DVDs of The Office, only £30. Signed by Ricky Gervais.

0:27:420:27:46

And then Save the Children and that one's Help The Aged.

0:27:460:27:49

Thanks for doing this, Rick.

0:27:490:27:51

It's amazing how much they'll raise.

0:27:510:27:53

-Well, fellas, got your dry cleaning.

-Excellent, just dump it there.

0:27:530:27:56

Yeah, we've got coffee, and we have sandwiches.

0:27:560:27:59

Cheers. Oh, Shaun, I was going to ask you, for a quote for the office.

0:27:590:28:04

Ooh, the most important sitcom of a generation.

0:28:040:28:09

Er cheers. No, um...

0:28:090:28:11

I meant a quote to paint the office.

0:28:110:28:14

Three hundred?

0:28:150:28:17

-That's cheap.

-It is, yeah.

0:28:170:28:19

-Four.

-Well, you said three just now.

0:28:190:28:21

I... Yeah, I'll give you four.

0:28:210:28:23

-Cheers.

-It's your money.

0:28:230:28:26

It's still cheap, innit?

0:28:260:28:27

It is, yeah.

0:28:270:28:30

After appearing at a sci-fi convention, Warwick makes a humiliating guest appearance at a Star Wars wedding. However, his fortune rises when Johnny Depp hires him to research a new movie role.


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