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This programme contains very strong language. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:05 | |
-'My name is Warwick Davis. I'm an actor...' Have you heard of a film called Willow? -No. | 0:00:05 | 0:00:08 | |
Not many people have, to be honest. '..an entrepreneur.' | 0:00:08 | 0:00:11 | |
You're hired. | 0:00:11 | 0:00:12 | |
'Soon to be divorced.' | 0:00:12 | 0:00:14 | |
-You're supposed to move out. We're separated. -Not really. | 0:00:14 | 0:00:16 | |
'Oh, and I've got a massive tax bill.' | 0:00:16 | 0:00:19 | |
How am I supposed to make that much money? | 0:00:19 | 0:00:21 | |
'Today I'm at the biggest science fiction and fantasy convention in the UK. | 0:00:34 | 0:00:37 | |
'It's the fans' best day ever, | 0:00:37 | 0:00:39 | |
'cos they get to meet their heroes, and say thanks for everything. | 0:00:39 | 0:00:43 | |
'It's also a great day for me because, you know, | 0:00:45 | 0:00:48 | |
'I can say thank you for watching.' | 0:00:48 | 0:00:51 | |
My chance to give them something. | 0:00:51 | 0:00:53 | |
That's £25, please. | 0:00:53 | 0:00:55 | |
There you go. £25, please. Thank you. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:08 | |
Cheryl? Right. | 0:01:08 | 0:01:10 | |
-Hello. -Hello. -All right? -This is my son Michael. | 0:01:10 | 0:01:13 | |
-Hi, Michael. How's it going? All right? -He's got a tumour. | 0:01:13 | 0:01:16 | |
Oh! Sorry to hear that. | 0:01:16 | 0:01:19 | |
He really loves you. He loves all your films, don't you? | 0:01:19 | 0:01:22 | |
Thank you. | 0:01:22 | 0:01:24 | |
-He'd really like a picture. -Yeah, sure. | 0:01:24 | 0:01:26 | |
Shall I put Michael on here? | 0:01:26 | 0:01:28 | |
Thank you so much. It's really made his day. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
Oh, it's a pleasure. There we go. £25, please. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:35 | |
What? | 0:01:35 | 0:01:37 | |
£25. | 0:01:37 | 0:01:39 | |
-You're going to charge us? -Yeah. | 0:01:39 | 0:01:42 | |
What, even with his tumour? | 0:01:42 | 0:01:44 | |
It's very sad and everything, but the sign does say £25, you know. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:48 | |
I've got to treat everyone the same, | 0:01:48 | 0:01:50 | |
or it's not fair. Anyone could say they've a tumour. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:53 | |
They wouldn't. | 0:01:53 | 0:01:55 | |
-You'd be surprised. A lot of people would. -Who? | 0:01:55 | 0:01:58 | |
Angie Watts did in EastEnders. | 0:01:58 | 0:01:59 | |
You remember? Dirty Den went mental at her. Rightly so. | 0:01:59 | 0:02:02 | |
OK, but he has got an actual tumour. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:05 | |
So you say. I don't know. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:07 | |
-Well, let's assume that he's got a tumour, because he has. -Yeah. | 0:02:07 | 0:02:11 | |
And if it turns out he hasn't, you can go mental | 0:02:11 | 0:02:14 | |
and I'll send you £25. How's that? | 0:02:14 | 0:02:16 | |
-Everyone's happy. -No, cos I'm not happy. I'm down £25. | 0:02:16 | 0:02:19 | |
-You're the one that's happy. -I'm not happy because he's got a tumour. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:23 | |
But no less so than when you started. You came here with a tumour, | 0:02:23 | 0:02:27 | |
you're getting more tumours, whereas I'm without | 0:02:27 | 0:02:29 | |
the £25 I'm entitled to. Look at the sign. | 0:02:29 | 0:02:32 | |
I can't believe that you're being serious. | 0:02:32 | 0:02:35 | |
Once word gets out I'm giving away pictures to people with tumours, | 0:02:35 | 0:02:39 | |
-everyone will be going, "Oh, poor me! I've got a tumour!" -No-one's going to do that! | 0:02:39 | 0:02:43 | |
They're more likely to go, "Wow, what a nice guy! | 0:02:43 | 0:02:45 | |
"He gives away free pictures to people with tumours." | 0:02:45 | 0:02:48 | |
Yeah, all right. So you'll make sure that message gets out then? | 0:02:48 | 0:02:52 | |
Right, um... | 0:02:52 | 0:02:55 | |
Yeah, Warwick Davis giving away a free picture | 0:02:55 | 0:02:58 | |
to officially diagnosed tumours. See, it's what I do. Nice guy, see? | 0:02:58 | 0:03:03 | |
-I've got a tumour. -No, you haven't. | 0:03:05 | 0:03:07 | |
No, not a tumour, I meant AIDS. | 0:03:07 | 0:03:09 | |
-You haven't got AIDS. -Haven't I? | 0:03:09 | 0:03:12 | |
No. To get AIDS, you have to have had sex at least once. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:15 | |
Good point! | 0:03:15 | 0:03:17 | |
Who's it to? | 0:03:17 | 0:03:18 | |
My mates call me Morpheus. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:20 | |
-Do they? -No, I haven't got any mates. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:23 | |
Just put Terry. | 0:03:23 | 0:03:25 | |
£25. Thank you very much. | 0:03:27 | 0:03:28 | |
-Hiya. -Tumour. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:30 | |
Oh, for f...! | 0:03:30 | 0:03:33 | |
-Hi. -Hi. | 0:03:48 | 0:03:49 | |
We are giant fans, | 0:03:49 | 0:03:52 | |
and we're getting married in a few weeks. | 0:03:52 | 0:03:54 | |
It's a Star Wars-themed wedding. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:57 | |
-Oh, right. -We're wondering, would you be guest of honour? | 0:03:57 | 0:04:01 | |
Er... | 0:04:01 | 0:04:03 | |
-When is it? -July the 14th. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:06 | |
-This year? -Yeah. -Ah... | 0:04:06 | 0:04:08 | |
Diary is pretty full this year. | 0:04:08 | 0:04:10 | |
-Not this year, it's not. -No, there is some stuff in there. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:13 | |
-No, the diary's completely empty. Look. -It's not completely empty. | 0:04:13 | 0:04:17 | |
It is, look. See, it's completely empty. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:21 | |
-Yeah. Thanks for that, Cheryl(!) -We could pay you, obviously. | 0:04:21 | 0:04:25 | |
I mean, not much. Maybe £500? | 0:04:25 | 0:04:28 | |
If... If I could squeeze you in - and it is an if - | 0:04:30 | 0:04:33 | |
what would my duties be? I mean, would I best man? | 0:04:33 | 0:04:37 | |
-No, that's my brother Rob. -Sure he's the right man for the job? | 0:04:37 | 0:04:40 | |
Has he had experience of public speaking? | 0:04:40 | 0:04:42 | |
He's looking forward to it. We're best friends. | 0:04:42 | 0:04:45 | |
OK. Well, shall we just say that, you know, if Rob crashes and burns | 0:04:45 | 0:04:48 | |
and the whole evening falls flat, then I'll be straight up there to save the day. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:53 | |
-OK. If that happens, then sure. -Great! | 0:04:53 | 0:04:55 | |
And if it does happen, it'll be an extra £250. Just so you know. | 0:04:55 | 0:04:59 | |
I've got a great Star Wars anecdote about a certain cast member | 0:04:59 | 0:05:03 | |
who asked me to smuggle cocaine for her through LAX Airport | 0:05:03 | 0:05:06 | |
cos she said there's not a customs officer in the world | 0:05:06 | 0:05:09 | |
who wants to stick their finger up a dwarf's arse. | 0:05:09 | 0:05:12 | |
-OK. Well, let's see how Rob gets on first. -It's your special day. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:16 | |
-Hi, excuse me. -Hiya. | 0:05:29 | 0:05:31 | |
Would you mind being interviewed for the local news? | 0:05:31 | 0:05:33 | |
-Local news? Yeah, sure. -Good. | 0:05:33 | 0:05:35 | |
-Great. -How are you? -Very well, how are you? | 0:05:35 | 0:05:37 | |
Good. Yes, very good. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:40 | |
-I didn't actually know who you were. -Oh. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:42 | |
-He recognised you. -Oh, yeah? -Said you were famous. -A bit. | 0:05:42 | 0:05:45 | |
Who are you? | 0:05:45 | 0:05:47 | |
-Warwick Davis. -So just start on me and then go over to the, er... | 0:05:47 | 0:05:50 | |
OK. What's your name again? | 0:05:50 | 0:05:52 | |
-It's Warwick Davis. -Warwick Davis? | 0:05:52 | 0:05:55 | |
-Yeah. -Davis. Warwick Davis, Warwick Davis. | 0:05:55 | 0:05:57 | |
Warwick Davis, I'm here with Warwick Davis. | 0:05:57 | 0:06:01 | |
-You were in Star Wars, right? -That's right, yeah. | 0:06:01 | 0:06:03 | |
Let's go. You rolling? | 0:06:03 | 0:06:06 | |
Hello, I'm joined with... Ah, cut! | 0:06:06 | 0:06:09 | |
-Sorry. "Joined with"? What does that mean? -It's OK. -It's not OK. | 0:06:09 | 0:06:12 | |
Mistakes like that are why I'm still at this channel. | 0:06:12 | 0:06:15 | |
Been here three years. | 0:06:15 | 0:06:17 | |
Still doing shitty little interviews with nobodies. | 0:06:17 | 0:06:20 | |
Let's go again. | 0:06:20 | 0:06:21 | |
-What's your name again? -Warwick Davis. -Warwick Davis. | 0:06:21 | 0:06:25 | |
Warwick Davis. Yeah. | 0:06:25 | 0:06:26 | |
I'm with Warwick Davis, Star of the Star Wars films. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:29 | |
-That is a cut as well. -It was going well. | 0:06:29 | 0:06:31 | |
It's not going well! | 0:06:31 | 0:06:32 | |
Star of the Star Wars films. Don't patronise me, thank you. | 0:06:32 | 0:06:35 | |
-And also don't speak until I've introduced you. Right? -Right. -OK. | 0:06:35 | 0:06:39 | |
Camera's on me, I say your name, | 0:06:39 | 0:06:41 | |
-then the camera goes on you. Guess what? That's when you speak. -OK. | 0:06:41 | 0:06:45 | |
Say who you are and why you're here. Then we're done. | 0:06:45 | 0:06:48 | |
Been up since six for this! OK, we're going here? | 0:06:48 | 0:06:51 | |
Hi, I'm with Warwick Davis. | 0:06:51 | 0:06:53 | |
Yeah. Er, I was in Star Wars - Return of the Jedi, | 0:06:55 | 0:06:58 | |
the Harry Potter films, playing Flitwick. | 0:06:58 | 0:07:01 | |
I was also in the Leprechaun films, the first one famously starred | 0:07:01 | 0:07:04 | |
a very young Jennifer Anniston. | 0:07:04 | 0:07:06 | |
-You were in a film with Jennifer Anniston? -Yeah. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
My God! Any interesting stories? | 0:07:08 | 0:07:11 | |
-No, not really. -Fuck's sake! Cut! | 0:07:11 | 0:07:13 | |
OK, what are you doing? | 0:07:13 | 0:07:15 | |
-What? -Don't set me up with that then have nothing. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:17 | |
-We look like prats. -There's no story. -Clutching at straws here! | 0:07:17 | 0:07:21 | |
-Well, she's.. -You say Jennifer Aniston, I'll leap on it. | 0:07:21 | 0:07:24 | |
-Don't send me down a cul de sac, right? -OK. | 0:07:24 | 0:07:26 | |
Send one more shoddy report this week, I'm out on my ear. | 0:07:26 | 0:07:29 | |
This doesn't get on telly, you don't get on telly. | 0:07:29 | 0:07:32 | |
Brilliant(!) Do yourself a favour. Have you got both of us in? | 0:07:32 | 0:07:35 | |
Have you just got his head? It's a dwarf, if you just show his head that's the same as on anyone. | 0:07:35 | 0:07:41 | |
Can we put him on the table please, so we can just see... | 0:07:41 | 0:07:43 | |
-Well, I don't think I should. -Get on the table so we can see you're a bloody dwarf! | 0:07:43 | 0:07:47 | |
What are you doing? | 0:07:47 | 0:07:49 | |
All right, OK, if I just get on the chair is that OK? | 0:07:49 | 0:07:52 | |
Get on a chair. | 0:07:52 | 0:07:53 | |
OK. Right, you see? | 0:07:55 | 0:07:58 | |
OK, you ready? OK, let's do it. | 0:07:58 | 0:08:00 | |
I'm here with Warwick Davis, from Star Wars, and others. Go. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:05 | |
-Yeah, um, I was in, er, Star Wars: Return of the Jedi... -Yes. | 0:08:05 | 0:08:07 | |
Played Wicket the Ewok. | 0:08:07 | 0:08:09 | |
-Er, I was in the Harry Potter films. -Of course. | 0:08:09 | 0:08:11 | |
-The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy. -Yeah. Time Bandits. -No, I wasn't in that. | 0:08:11 | 0:08:15 | |
Fuck off! Cunt! Dwarf! | 0:08:15 | 0:08:18 | |
Fucking hell! | 0:08:20 | 0:08:21 | |
Cut. Sorry, my bad! | 0:08:21 | 0:08:23 | |
That's my bad, sorry. | 0:08:23 | 0:08:24 | |
Have you got any interesting stories about, um, about Star Wars? | 0:08:24 | 0:08:28 | |
Well, yeah, I've got a good story about how my grandmother got me the part. | 0:08:28 | 0:08:32 | |
Shall we do that? OK? | 0:08:32 | 0:08:34 | |
-Right. -Here we go again. | 0:08:34 | 0:08:36 | |
Hello, I'm with Warwick Davis, Star dwarf, Star Wars dwarf. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:41 | |
Go on. How d'you get that part? | 0:08:41 | 0:08:43 | |
I was 11 and my grandmother was listening to the radio... | 0:08:43 | 0:08:46 | |
Oh, my God, The A-Team van, the A-Team van. | 0:08:46 | 0:08:49 | |
Good, OK. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:52 | |
He's gone to interview what is essentially a second-hand car. | 0:08:52 | 0:08:55 | |
Not a massive earner today. Made 250 quid, | 0:09:01 | 0:09:04 | |
which is why we're going to have a brainstorming session. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:07 | |
Do you know what that is? It just... Throw out any money-making ideas you've got, right? | 0:09:07 | 0:09:12 | |
Brain storming, OK. | 0:09:12 | 0:09:14 | |
I'll make some notes. | 0:09:14 | 0:09:16 | |
We'll start with number one, OK? | 0:09:16 | 0:09:19 | |
In your own time. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:22 | |
The company is called Dwarves For Hire. Is that right? | 0:09:22 | 0:09:26 | |
Yes, it is, yeah, yeah. | 0:09:26 | 0:09:27 | |
-Why do you have to only do acting? Could you do other stuff? -Such as? | 0:09:27 | 0:09:31 | |
Chimney sweep. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:32 | |
Chimney sweep? Why am I suddenly doing that? | 0:09:32 | 0:09:35 | |
-Well, it used to be children, didn't it? -100 years ago, yeah. | 0:09:35 | 0:09:38 | |
But it's cruel to send children up there nowadays, so... | 0:09:38 | 0:09:41 | |
So it's not cruel to send a dwarf up there? | 0:09:41 | 0:09:43 | |
No, because you're an adult, aren't you? Oh, are you not? Oh, I thought you're an adult. | 0:09:43 | 0:09:48 | |
Yeah, of course I'm an adult, | 0:09:48 | 0:09:49 | |
but I'm also a businessman and I've been in loads of big films. | 0:09:49 | 0:09:52 | |
Why am I suddenly running up chimneys? | 0:09:52 | 0:09:54 | |
You wouldn't have to run up there, I could help you up. | 0:09:54 | 0:09:57 | |
Right so, so your business idea is you shoving me up a chimney? | 0:09:57 | 0:10:01 | |
Well, you wouldn't actually necessarily have to go up there at all. | 0:10:01 | 0:10:04 | |
When my gran used to have her chimney cleaned, the bloke | 0:10:04 | 0:10:07 | |
would come round, cover everything up with sheets then stick a long brush up there. You could do that. | 0:10:07 | 0:10:12 | |
Right, so now I'm not even taking advantage of my size. | 0:10:12 | 0:10:15 | |
I'm just a chimney sweep? | 0:10:15 | 0:10:16 | |
Or I could be at the bottom, and you could be at the end of the pole | 0:10:16 | 0:10:19 | |
cleaning the top of the chimney, doing a great job, | 0:10:19 | 0:10:22 | |
and people would come round and go, "Wow, that is the cleanest chimney ever! | 0:10:22 | 0:10:26 | |
"How did you do that?" | 0:10:26 | 0:10:27 | |
"I had a dwarf on a pole." | 0:10:27 | 0:10:29 | |
"Which one?" "Warwick Davis." | 0:10:29 | 0:10:30 | |
"Who's Warwick Davis?" "He's an actor." | 0:10:30 | 0:10:33 | |
"What's he been in?" "Films." | 0:10:33 | 0:10:34 | |
"Which ones?" | 0:10:34 | 0:10:35 | |
"I can't remember. | 0:10:35 | 0:10:37 | |
"These ones." | 0:10:37 | 0:10:39 | |
Right. That idea's safe. | 0:10:43 | 0:10:46 | |
Um, make a note, "Dwarf on pole". | 0:10:46 | 0:10:51 | |
Good, um, moving on to number two. | 0:10:53 | 0:10:55 | |
You could do other stuff that's too dangerous for children. | 0:10:55 | 0:10:58 | |
Like what? | 0:10:58 | 0:10:59 | |
You could be used as bait to catch a paedophile. | 0:10:59 | 0:11:02 | |
Go on. How would this work? | 0:11:02 | 0:11:04 | |
You in a little dress, with bunches in your hair, | 0:11:04 | 0:11:07 | |
just playing in the woods waiting for paedophiles to come up to you, | 0:11:07 | 0:11:11 | |
and molest you. | 0:11:11 | 0:11:13 | |
Why am I dressed as a little girl? Why can't I be a boy? | 0:11:15 | 0:11:17 | |
I don't think there's any gay paedophiles. | 0:11:17 | 0:11:19 | |
There's loads of gay paedophiles. | 0:11:19 | 0:11:21 | |
Also, they won't have done anything wrong because if a paedophile comes up to me and offers me some sweets, | 0:11:21 | 0:11:26 | |
all he's done is give a dwarf some sweets. That's not illegal. | 0:11:26 | 0:11:30 | |
What happens if a real kid comes over and wants to play? | 0:11:30 | 0:11:33 | |
I'm a grown man dressed as a little girl playing with a kid in the woods. | 0:11:33 | 0:11:36 | |
Straight to prison. Next. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:38 | |
You could hide in places too small for other people to hide in. | 0:11:38 | 0:11:41 | |
I don't even know what job that is. | 0:11:41 | 0:11:43 | |
Forget it. | 0:11:43 | 0:11:44 | |
It's just, it's not working. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:46 | |
Just... | 0:11:46 | 0:11:47 | |
There's nothing come in, no job offers at all? | 0:11:47 | 0:11:50 | |
-No, nothing really. -Oh. | 0:11:50 | 0:11:53 | |
Oh. Oh, yeah, Johnny Depp's agent called. | 0:11:53 | 0:11:56 | |
What? | 0:11:56 | 0:11:57 | |
Give it... | 0:11:57 | 0:11:58 | |
You didn't want to mention this? | 0:12:00 | 0:12:02 | |
'So Johnny is doing this movie, it's called Tim Burton's Rumpelstiltskin. | 0:12:03 | 0:12:08 | |
'Tim is directing, obviously, it is Johnny and Helen Bonham Carter. | 0:12:08 | 0:12:11 | |
-'Johnny will be playing Rumpelstiltskin, an evil dwarf from the classic fairy tale.' -OK. | 0:12:11 | 0:12:16 | |
'But you may know Johnny's a real method actor, | 0:12:16 | 0:12:19 | |
'he spends a lot of time researching his roles | 0:12:19 | 0:12:21 | |
'and he wants to meet and understand what it's like to be a little person.' | 0:12:21 | 0:12:25 | |
Fantastic. He's made the right decision. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:27 | |
I totally understand what it's like to be a little person. | 0:12:27 | 0:12:30 | |
'Great! Obviously Johnny will pay you for your time. | 0:12:30 | 0:12:33 | |
'We thought a week's work, Monday to Friday, £1,000 a day. | 0:12:33 | 0:12:38 | |
£5,000? | 0:12:38 | 0:12:40 | |
'Yeah. Is that OK?' | 0:12:40 | 0:12:42 | |
Yeah, that's good, yeah. | 0:12:42 | 0:12:45 | |
'Are you free from Monday next week?' | 0:12:45 | 0:12:47 | |
Er, let's just, er, just check the old diary. | 0:12:47 | 0:12:51 | |
Er, it's pretty chocca so, er, you know, we'll have to shift a few things around. | 0:12:51 | 0:12:56 | |
You've got nothing but a back wax. | 0:12:56 | 0:12:57 | |
Yeah. No, I'm all set. Great. | 0:12:57 | 0:13:01 | |
-'Great. Johnny will see you at the Dorchester at ten o'clock Monday.' -OK, see you then. Bye. | 0:13:01 | 0:13:06 | |
-'Bye.' -Oh! | 0:13:06 | 0:13:08 | |
Oh, I can't believe you're meeting Johnny Depp. | 0:13:08 | 0:13:10 | |
He is my favourite film star. | 0:13:10 | 0:13:13 | |
He's one of the handsomest men on earth, and he's intelligent, | 0:13:13 | 0:13:16 | |
and brilliant at acting, and rich. | 0:13:16 | 0:13:20 | |
-Probably wouldn't go out with me, though, would he? -Probably not. | 0:13:20 | 0:13:23 | |
Course, he's married, isn't he? | 0:13:23 | 0:13:25 | |
He is sadly, otherwise you'd be straight in there. | 0:13:25 | 0:13:29 | |
Not bad, is it? Being a muse to one of the biggest movie stars of all time. | 0:13:30 | 0:13:35 | |
I'm not going to tell him how to say his lines, no. | 0:13:35 | 0:13:38 | |
I'm not going to tell him how to play a dwarf. | 0:13:38 | 0:13:41 | |
I'm going to tell him how to be a dwarf, | 0:13:41 | 0:13:43 | |
how to think like a dwarf, how to feel like a dwarf. | 0:13:43 | 0:13:46 | |
Then they'll use special effects to make him small like a dwarf. | 0:13:48 | 0:13:51 | |
Team effort. | 0:13:51 | 0:13:53 | |
Hello. Oh, ho-ho, wow! | 0:13:57 | 0:13:59 | |
-That's perfect. -OK. -It's perfect. Yeah you just, just move... | 0:13:59 | 0:14:03 | |
-All right? -Just go and do whatever you would normally do. | 0:14:03 | 0:14:08 | |
Crazy little walk. Where do you sit? | 0:14:11 | 0:14:13 | |
On like a chair, sofa? Or like, er, on the floor, cross-legged? | 0:14:13 | 0:14:17 | |
Can you actually, can you do cross-legged? | 0:14:17 | 0:14:20 | |
-Not really, I just normally sit in a chair. -Really? -Yeah. Shall we, shall I sit down? | 0:14:20 | 0:14:24 | |
Yeah, yeah, please, please. | 0:14:24 | 0:14:26 | |
Wow...! He hopped on the chair. | 0:14:26 | 0:14:29 | |
-It's, it's great. -Cool. | 0:14:31 | 0:14:33 | |
He's kind of like a grub coming out of an apple, | 0:14:33 | 0:14:36 | |
seeing the world for the first time. | 0:14:36 | 0:14:39 | |
All right. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
-So may I ask you a question? -Mm-hm. -If you were struck by lightning, | 0:14:41 | 0:14:45 | |
bolt of lightning, bam! | 0:14:45 | 0:14:47 | |
-Right? -Yeah. -What do you do? | 0:14:47 | 0:14:49 | |
-Dead! -Maybe not. -OK. | 0:14:49 | 0:14:53 | |
Can I just see you out of that chair, | 0:14:53 | 0:14:54 | |
on that floor? | 0:14:54 | 0:14:57 | |
-Standing here like this? -Yeah. | 0:14:57 | 0:14:58 | |
-Just you and me. -Yeah. -We're standing here talking. | 0:14:58 | 0:15:01 | |
-Bang-bang, bang-bang, bang-bang, bam! -Ba! | 0:15:01 | 0:15:04 | |
-A bolt of lightning is going to knock you down. -OK. | 0:15:04 | 0:15:07 | |
-Bam! -Ah! Oh! -Stand up. | 0:15:07 | 0:15:10 | |
Fucking stand up. That's great. | 0:15:10 | 0:15:12 | |
-Ah! -That noise! -Yeah. -Noise is fantastic. Let's do the noise again. | 0:15:14 | 0:15:18 | |
Cool, right. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:20 | |
-Agh! -Agh! -Agh! -Agh! | 0:15:20 | 0:15:23 | |
-Agh! -Aghhhh! That's fantastic! Oh, God that's great! -Yeah, cool. -That's really great. | 0:15:23 | 0:15:29 | |
It's like a...it's like a weird baby crow that's been left by its mother, | 0:15:29 | 0:15:33 | |
and the little legs started flailing. | 0:15:33 | 0:15:36 | |
-Did they? -And, er... Yeah, they did. Sorry, I'm just making notes. | 0:15:36 | 0:15:41 | |
Have you heard of, erm...Michael Flatley? | 0:15:41 | 0:15:45 | |
-Er, yeah. -Yes, hmm. | 0:15:45 | 0:15:46 | |
-The Lord Of The Dance. -Oh, yeah. | 0:15:46 | 0:15:49 | |
-Right. Here we go, you and me. -Yeah. What are we going to do? -The Lord Of The Dance. | 0:15:49 | 0:15:54 | |
Faster. | 0:15:57 | 0:15:58 | |
Fucking give me passion. | 0:15:58 | 0:16:00 | |
No, come on! | 0:16:03 | 0:16:04 | |
That's not Michael Flatley. | 0:16:04 | 0:16:06 | |
-Lord Of The Dance! -Yeah. -Lord Of The Dance! -Yeah. | 0:16:08 | 0:16:11 | |
Faster. Faster. More, more! | 0:16:11 | 0:16:14 | |
So, there's one scene, | 0:16:17 | 0:16:21 | |
er...that I need to see, | 0:16:21 | 0:16:24 | |
cos at one point | 0:16:24 | 0:16:26 | |
Rumpelstiltskin climbs up through the sewers... | 0:16:26 | 0:16:30 | |
-Right. -..to escape the villagers. | 0:16:30 | 0:16:32 | |
-OK. -OK? -Yeah. -Yeah. | 0:16:32 | 0:16:37 | |
How do you want to do that? | 0:16:37 | 0:16:39 | |
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! | 0:16:39 | 0:16:42 | |
Oh, God! It's far too much. | 0:16:42 | 0:16:45 | |
It's an evil toilet dwarf. | 0:16:47 | 0:16:49 | |
Yeah. | 0:16:49 | 0:16:51 | |
-Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! -OK. | 0:16:51 | 0:16:54 | |
Ugh! Ooo-ugh! | 0:16:54 | 0:16:58 | |
How do you feel? | 0:16:58 | 0:17:00 | |
Erm, feet are a bit wet, to be honest. | 0:17:00 | 0:17:03 | |
So what is a typical day for you? | 0:17:03 | 0:17:07 | |
-Um. -I want to see what you do, I want to see what you do. How you do it. | 0:17:07 | 0:17:10 | |
-What you do? -Same as you probably, really. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:13 | |
-Um, just sort of having important meetings, doing some brilliant acting. -Mm. | 0:17:13 | 0:17:17 | |
Um, hanging out with famous people, sort of thing. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:20 | |
Like, who like? | 0:17:20 | 0:17:22 | |
Other dwarves, like tiny men? | 0:17:22 | 0:17:23 | |
-Sometimes. -Er, yeah. But, I mean, today, | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
I'm going to cruise down and meet a couple of good friends of mine... | 0:17:25 | 0:17:28 | |
Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant. | 0:17:28 | 0:17:31 | |
Ricky Gervais? | 0:17:31 | 0:17:32 | |
Mm hm. | 0:17:32 | 0:17:35 | |
Can I come with you? | 0:17:35 | 0:17:37 | |
Sure, yeah. Yeah. | 0:17:37 | 0:17:38 | |
-Good. -Let's do it, yeah? -Yeah. | 0:17:38 | 0:17:40 | |
There they are, the lads. | 0:17:45 | 0:17:47 | |
-Hi. -Hello, lads. -So, yeah, I pop in here, what, every other day to see you guys, don't I? | 0:17:47 | 0:17:51 | |
-Seems like it, yeah. -Have you, er, have you met before? Johnny this is Stephen. | 0:17:51 | 0:17:55 | |
-Hello, pleased to meet you. -No. | 0:17:55 | 0:17:56 | |
-And Ricky there. -I actually remember him from the Golden Globes. | 0:17:56 | 0:18:00 | |
-Hi. -Yeah. -How's it going? | 0:18:00 | 0:18:02 | |
I'm fine. Just doing another film that's going to make loads of money... | 0:18:02 | 0:18:07 | |
probably a lot more money than any film you've ever...ahem...made. | 0:18:07 | 0:18:10 | |
Good. | 0:18:10 | 0:18:13 | |
And you? | 0:18:13 | 0:18:15 | |
Er, yeah just, just writing, I write and direct all my own stuff. | 0:18:15 | 0:18:20 | |
How great for you. | 0:18:21 | 0:18:23 | |
That must be so great. I'm working with a great director - Tim Burton. | 0:18:23 | 0:18:26 | |
Have you ever heard of him? | 0:18:26 | 0:18:28 | |
Of course. Yeah. | 0:18:28 | 0:18:29 | |
And the film itself is really brilliant and I'm playing a very interesting character. | 0:18:29 | 0:18:34 | |
Do you have any idea who my leading lady is on this film? | 0:18:34 | 0:18:38 | |
-Erm, in the Tim Burton film? -Um, yeah. | 0:18:38 | 0:18:41 | |
Helena Bonham Carter? | 0:18:41 | 0:18:43 | |
-How d'you know? -Stab in the dark. | 0:18:43 | 0:18:45 | |
-She thinks you're an idiot. -Sorry, have I done something to offend you? | 0:18:45 | 0:18:49 | |
What do you mean, like, | 0:18:49 | 0:18:51 | |
trashing me in front of 200 million people at the Golden Globes? | 0:18:51 | 0:18:55 | |
That was a while ago, they were jokes, Johnny... | 0:18:55 | 0:18:59 | |
-Oh, they were jokes? -Yeah. -You like jokes? -Yes. | 0:18:59 | 0:19:01 | |
Good, cos I got together with a few pals, after the awards, | 0:19:01 | 0:19:06 | |
and we wrote some jokes... | 0:19:06 | 0:19:08 | |
about you. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:10 | |
And I want you to know this, I want you to carry this with you for the rest of your days. | 0:19:10 | 0:19:15 | |
No-one makes fun of Tim Allen on my watch... | 0:19:15 | 0:19:20 | |
and gets away with it. | 0:19:21 | 0:19:23 | |
Don't say anything, just keep that in you, OK? | 0:19:23 | 0:19:27 | |
Here are my jokes. | 0:19:27 | 0:19:28 | |
What is nastier than Ricky Gervais's jokes? | 0:19:28 | 0:19:32 | |
His teeth! | 0:19:32 | 0:19:33 | |
Why do people instantly dislike Ricky Gervais? Because it saves time! | 0:19:35 | 0:19:39 | |
Ha, ha, ha, ha! | 0:19:39 | 0:19:41 | |
Why did Ricky Gervais do a series of audio books? | 0:19:41 | 0:19:45 | |
So that the blind could hate him as well. | 0:19:45 | 0:19:47 | |
Now, this is from Angelina. | 0:19:49 | 0:19:51 | |
"Tell Ricky Gervais that me and Brad have a picture of him on our mantelpiece, | 0:19:51 | 0:19:55 | |
"because it keeps the kids away from the fire." | 0:19:55 | 0:19:59 | |
And why isn't Ricky Gervais circumcised? | 0:19:59 | 0:20:03 | |
Because there's no end to that prick. | 0:20:03 | 0:20:06 | |
Did you quit Twitter recently? | 0:20:06 | 0:20:08 | |
Well, about two years ago. | 0:20:08 | 0:20:10 | |
-But you quit Twitter? -Yeah. -Right. -Yes. | 0:20:10 | 0:20:12 | |
And did you quit because it only has 140 characters? | 0:20:12 | 0:20:14 | |
Well, the joke I made at the time was I'm so verbose | 0:20:14 | 0:20:18 | |
that I can't say everything in 140 letters, so... | 0:20:18 | 0:20:21 | |
-Right. -Do the joke. What's the joke? | 0:20:21 | 0:20:23 | |
I hear that Ricky Gervais quit Twitter recently because it only has 140 characters. | 0:20:23 | 0:20:29 | |
Well, that's 139 more characters | 0:20:29 | 0:20:34 | |
than he's ever come up with. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:35 | |
Good joke. The telling of it took about as long as long as | 0:20:35 | 0:20:38 | |
Pirates Of The Caribbean 3, but yeah, it's a good joke. | 0:20:38 | 0:20:41 | |
You're laughing. | 0:20:42 | 0:20:43 | |
Well, it's just... | 0:20:43 | 0:20:45 | |
-You fucking laughed. -Mm... -What, are you dissing Pirates now? | 0:20:45 | 0:20:49 | |
-No. -Really? -It's a good movie, I thought it was... | 0:20:49 | 0:20:52 | |
Just a bit long though, which he picked up on. | 0:20:52 | 0:20:56 | |
-People love that movie. -Oh, yeah. | 0:20:56 | 0:20:58 | |
What is wrong with you people? | 0:20:58 | 0:21:00 | |
Seriously, why do you pick on movie stars? What have I done wrong? | 0:21:00 | 0:21:05 | |
-Picking on.. -I'm trying to express myself, man, to help people. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:08 | |
-Sure. -Give joy to the masses. -Right. | 0:21:08 | 0:21:12 | |
Is that a crime? Is that a crime? | 0:21:12 | 0:21:14 | |
Seriously. | 0:21:14 | 0:21:16 | |
No.. | 0:21:16 | 0:21:17 | |
No. | 0:21:17 | 0:21:19 | |
No more. | 0:21:19 | 0:21:21 | |
No more. | 0:21:21 | 0:21:23 | |
These Hollywood stars are so touchy, aren't they? | 0:21:42 | 0:21:44 | |
Tell me about it. | 0:21:44 | 0:21:46 | |
Well, that's five grand down the drain! | 0:21:48 | 0:21:51 | |
Still, I've got that wedding on Saturday and that's cash in hand. | 0:21:51 | 0:21:55 | |
Pick yourself up, dust yourself down, Warwick. | 0:21:55 | 0:21:58 | |
Onwards and upwards! | 0:21:58 | 0:21:59 | |
Five grand, though! | 0:22:01 | 0:22:04 | |
-Well, here he is. -Hello. -Hi, nice to see you again. Warwick. | 0:22:23 | 0:22:28 | |
-Where's your Ewok outfit? -My...? | 0:22:28 | 0:22:31 | |
Ewok outfit, where is it? | 0:22:31 | 0:22:33 | |
-What do you mean? -Well, obviously we want you dressed as an Ewok. | 0:22:33 | 0:22:36 | |
-What do you mean, obviously? -Why else would we invite you? -For my celebrity status? | 0:22:36 | 0:22:41 | |
I invite dwarves to my wedding willy-nilly if they're not bringing anything to the table. | 0:22:41 | 0:22:45 | |
You didn't bring the Ewok costume. | 0:22:45 | 0:22:47 | |
Why would I walk around with a costume? | 0:22:47 | 0:22:50 | |
That was for a film. Why do you actually need me? | 0:22:50 | 0:22:52 | |
Anyone could walk around dressed as an Ewok. | 0:22:52 | 0:22:55 | |
That's not Dave Prowse, and that's not Anthony Daniels, that's not Kenny Baker in a dustbin there. | 0:22:55 | 0:23:00 | |
-Yeah, it is actually. -Is it? | 0:23:00 | 0:23:03 | |
Oh! Hey, Kenny, it's Warwick. | 0:23:03 | 0:23:06 | |
My future wife is expecting to see an Ewok at her wedding. | 0:23:08 | 0:23:12 | |
You want me to, magic up an Ewok costume? | 0:23:12 | 0:23:14 | |
Could get like a bear outfit... | 0:23:14 | 0:23:16 | |
-Ewoks aren't bears. -Could someone pop to Hamley's for a big toy bear and put him in it? | 0:23:16 | 0:23:21 | |
What am I? A pair of pyjamas? | 0:23:21 | 0:23:22 | |
I've got a big toy bear my brother won at the fair. I could get that. | 0:23:22 | 0:23:27 | |
-Would you mind? -No, I don't want it, it stinks, the dog humps it all the time. | 0:23:27 | 0:23:32 | |
-Great, yes, get the stinky bear. -Excuse me, I'm still here, you know. | 0:23:32 | 0:23:36 | |
And, finally, just like to say a few words about | 0:23:53 | 0:23:57 | |
Emma's grandmother, Vera, who sadly passed away very recently. | 0:23:57 | 0:24:01 | |
We're certain that she's looking down on us today wishing them all the love in the world, | 0:24:01 | 0:24:07 | |
so please raise your glasses as we toast the bride and... | 0:24:07 | 0:24:09 | |
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hang on a minute, hang on. | 0:24:09 | 0:24:12 | |
Let's not go out on a dead gran, let's have a bit of a laugh here. | 0:24:12 | 0:24:15 | |
Um, here we go, just, er, hop up. | 0:24:15 | 0:24:20 | |
Oh! Thank you very much. I will take that. | 0:24:20 | 0:24:23 | |
I'd just like to say a few words. Let's end on a high... | 0:24:23 | 0:24:25 | |
That's a good effort but a bit depressing for a wedding. | 0:24:25 | 0:24:29 | |
I'm Warwick and I'm the other best man and I'm going to keep this speech short, like myself! | 0:24:29 | 0:24:35 | |
The groom is not just a huge fan of mine but he's also a huge | 0:24:38 | 0:24:42 | |
a cricket fan and I know he's been waiting to find out the Test results. | 0:24:42 | 0:24:47 | |
It's all right, mate, they're negative! | 0:24:47 | 0:24:49 | |
And there's only one thing that's hit more balls | 0:24:50 | 0:24:53 | |
than Ian Botham's bat, and that's Emma's chin! | 0:24:53 | 0:24:56 | |
AWKWARD SILENCE | 0:24:56 | 0:25:00 | |
Traditionally, the best man's speech is when you make the groom feel uncomfortable for five minutes. | 0:25:05 | 0:25:10 | |
which is exactly what Nigel does to Emma in bed. | 0:25:10 | 0:25:13 | |
SILENCE | 0:25:13 | 0:25:16 | |
I mean, he makes her feel uncomfortable as he's not very good in bed. | 0:25:17 | 0:25:21 | |
Not cos he's making her do something she doesn't want to do, | 0:25:21 | 0:25:24 | |
like forcing her to do anal. | 0:25:24 | 0:25:27 | |
OK. | 0:25:32 | 0:25:34 | |
Um, er, and looking around the room you know I can see | 0:25:34 | 0:25:37 | |
you're thinking if I'm the best man, why is Nigel marrying Emma? | 0:25:37 | 0:25:42 | |
Cos I didn't get her pregnant. | 0:25:42 | 0:25:44 | |
What's, what's the matter with her, what...? | 0:25:49 | 0:25:51 | |
-She can't have kids. -What? | 0:25:51 | 0:25:53 | |
She can't have children. | 0:25:53 | 0:25:54 | |
There's no way I could have known she's barren. | 0:25:57 | 0:25:59 | |
GUESTS GROAN | 0:25:59 | 0:26:01 | |
This is ridiculous. | 0:26:01 | 0:26:03 | |
It's ridiculous, you've got to chill out, honestly. | 0:26:07 | 0:26:12 | |
You don't know how lucky you are to have me here. | 0:26:12 | 0:26:15 | |
Twat! | 0:26:16 | 0:26:19 | |
Big laughs and thanks for that. | 0:26:19 | 0:26:22 | |
So... | 0:26:27 | 0:26:29 | |
Emma's gran. | 0:26:29 | 0:26:31 | |
ALL: Emma's gran. | 0:26:31 | 0:26:32 | |
Emma's gran. | 0:26:32 | 0:26:35 | |
She needs a drink! | 0:26:35 | 0:26:36 | |
'What a week! | 0:26:38 | 0:26:40 | |
'It started off so well.' | 0:26:40 | 0:26:42 | |
Star of a convention, didn't make any money. | 0:26:42 | 0:26:44 | |
Then Johnny Depp comes along, supposed to get five grand, I blow that. | 0:26:44 | 0:26:48 | |
And then get paid to come to a wedding - blew that. | 0:26:48 | 0:26:52 | |
What am I doing? | 0:26:52 | 0:26:55 | |
Sometimes I seriously think I should just give up this lark and get a proper job. | 0:26:55 | 0:26:59 | |
What could you do instead? | 0:26:59 | 0:27:01 | |
There's the rub. | 0:27:03 | 0:27:05 | |
You're stealing the best roles for yourself. | 0:27:12 | 0:27:14 | |
It's really hard to act opposite this, given the way it looks. | 0:27:14 | 0:27:18 | |
I just said, first off get a bra that fits... | 0:27:18 | 0:27:20 | |
She's weak minded and vulnerable and easily persuaded. | 0:27:22 | 0:27:25 | |
That's how he got her, yes. | 0:27:25 | 0:27:26 | |
He's more your run-of-the-mill kind of chap. | 0:27:26 | 0:27:29 | |
-What's all this? -We want to talk to you. | 0:27:29 | 0:27:32 | |
-I can't have its face staring at me. -It?! | 0:27:32 | 0:27:34 | |
Can we lose the face? | 0:27:34 | 0:27:35 | |
Right, that's one for Great Ormond Street. | 0:27:39 | 0:27:42 | |
Signed DVDs of The Office, only £30. Signed by Ricky Gervais. | 0:27:42 | 0:27:46 | |
And then Save the Children and that one's Help The Aged. | 0:27:46 | 0:27:49 | |
Thanks for doing this, Rick. | 0:27:49 | 0:27:51 | |
It's amazing how much they'll raise. | 0:27:51 | 0:27:53 | |
-Well, fellas, got your dry cleaning. -Excellent, just dump it there. | 0:27:53 | 0:27:56 | |
Yeah, we've got coffee, and we have sandwiches. | 0:27:56 | 0:27:59 | |
Cheers. Oh, Shaun, I was going to ask you, for a quote for the office. | 0:27:59 | 0:28:04 | |
Ooh, the most important sitcom of a generation. | 0:28:04 | 0:28:09 | |
Er cheers. No, um... | 0:28:09 | 0:28:11 | |
I meant a quote to paint the office. | 0:28:11 | 0:28:14 | |
Three hundred? | 0:28:15 | 0:28:17 | |
-That's cheap. -It is, yeah. | 0:28:17 | 0:28:19 | |
-Four. -Well, you said three just now. | 0:28:19 | 0:28:21 | |
I... Yeah, I'll give you four. | 0:28:21 | 0:28:23 | |
-Cheers. -It's your money. | 0:28:23 | 0:28:26 | |
It's still cheap, innit? | 0:28:26 | 0:28:27 | |
It is, yeah. | 0:28:27 | 0:28:30 |