Episode 3 Life's Too Short


Episode 3

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Transcript


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What's the problem?

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When I signed up, my heroes were Laurence Olivier, Al Pacino...

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At least you're working.

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I know. It's not exactly what I dreamed of.

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Oh, here we go!

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CHEERING

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This programme contains some strong language

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Strike!

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'My name is Warwick Davis.' Hello, Dwarves For Hire.

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'I'm an entrepreneur.'

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-You're stealing the best roles for yourself.

-'I'm an actor.'

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-What part of the character's this?

-Just keep going.

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-'Soon to be divorced.'

-Got your special shampoo?

-Yes.

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'Oh, and I've got a massive tax bill.'

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It's you that didn't know what he was doing. You're my accountant.

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Hello, I'm Warwick Davis and welcome to my website, warwickdavis.org.uk.

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Here's a showbiz anecdote for you.

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I was trying on costumes once with actor Mark Hamill.

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He was stripped down to his underwear,

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and I was quite literally taken aback by the size of the bulge in his underpants.

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For a slight man, there really was a monster down there.

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I was mightily impressed, and he was flaccid.

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So there you have it, finally Warwick Davis has gone cyber.

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The site's been live for 48 hours now. How many hits, Cheryl?

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12.

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12. For God's sakes! See, that annoys me.

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Porn stars on sites like, I don't know, hotdirtysluts.co.uk, millions of hits.

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Me, proper film star making proper films, 12 hits.

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"Do you want to visit my website?" "No, we'd rather have a wank, Warwick." "Oh, have a wank then."

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I mean, part of the problem could be that my website address is warwickdavis.org.uk.

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Um, I couldn't get warwickdavis.com cos that was already taken,

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so if you're looking for me and you type in warwickdavis.com,

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you're going to be sorely disappointed.

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Probably get some clown who's a plumber in Chepstow.

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There he is. And I don't think you want to go there.

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Well, it turns out you do, actually, he's had more hits than me.

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1,800 people need a plumber in Chepstow? Fuck off!

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What do you need?

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-Well, I won't keep you guys.

-Go on.

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Well, I was thinking, what'd be great for my website

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-would be a quote from you, Ricky, endorsing me as an actor.

-OK.

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-Think that's a good idea?

-Yeah, definitely.

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The problem is, I'll start straightaway,

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-um, I can't think of anything.

-You could think of something.

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Just a couple of sentences singing my praises, and directors and producers would see it up there

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-and think, "Wow, this dude must be good if..."

-Really good idea.

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-Yeah, yeah? What, to me to put my name to, to his...

-Yeah, yeah.

-..career?

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Um, well, we're a bit snowed under, to be honest, but I...

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-Can you just e-mail me something later?

-Oh... Yeah.

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Great. Cheers. Thanks.

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The Society Of People Of Short Stature was set up in 1985.

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We're a group that really campaigns for the rights of little people.

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Currently, the chairman is a man called Anthony Braden.

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I am vice chairman.

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I should probably be chairman, really,

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but I suppose it means more to Anthony, so good luck to him.

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Prejudice doesn't need to be hate-fuelled, it can just be ignorance.

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It can be being patronised or it can just simply be...

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'I feel it's important to use whatever charisma

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'and star power that I've been blessed with to help others.'

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It's an honour.

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It's also a duty.

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If you can send in your bits of news and any interesting articles

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we'll try and get them published.

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So I look forward to seeing you at the next meeting. Thanks.

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What's... What's all that? What's...

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Oh, I've just got to do a quick interview for BBC News about the society,

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-What, they're interviewing you?

-Yeah.

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Hiya.

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So you're from the BBC.

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Er, yeah.

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British Broadcasting Corporation.

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And, er, and you're interviewing Anthony?

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That's right.

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Seems a bit odd. You know, you've got a film star in your midst and you wouldn't use him.

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What film star?

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Me, Warwick Davis. Return Of The Jedi, etc.

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Ah, OK. It's just a quick interview.

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-We were told Anthony's the chairman of the society.

-Yeah, I'm sure, yeah, well, he is.

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Bit worried, actually. Anthony might freeze up in front of the cameras, you know.

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It's just one camera.

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-Can I have a word?

-Yeah, of course.

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Bloody film crew just clocked me, right,

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and they want me to do the interview.

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You all right if we do it together?

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Yeah, fine. I'm not bothered.

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Hiya. Just spoke to Anthony over there.

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Our worst fears have come true. He's nervous.

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He wants me to do the interview with him.

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-Er, fine, whatever.

-Cool.

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You got a dressing room I can chill out in?

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Just need to get my head together, you know.

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-No, we're ready to go now.

-Cool, mm.

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Got any slap?

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-Slap?

-Make-up.

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No.

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It's all right, got me own.

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Pop another chair out.

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You all right?

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Bit shiny... Do you want some powder?

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No, I'm fine.

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Sweaty.

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Happy?

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-Yeah, I'm happy. You happy?

-Yeah.

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-Great, let's rock 'n' roll.

-OK, then.

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Take one.

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So, what are you campaigning for?

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Well, um, homophobic or racial slurs are considered totally unacceptable nowadays,

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and yet words like midget are still being commonly used.

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Anthony's mentioned racism, and I see our struggle as being like the civil rights movement in America.

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Of the two of us, I suppose I'm more like Martin Luther King,

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just cos I've got the profile and the charisma and a way with words,

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but, you know, that's not to say Anthony's not got an important role to play.

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He's more your run of the mill coloured chap in the '50s, you know.

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Yes, I'm taking all the glory and going down in history,

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but then he's not getting shot in the head.

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So, swings and roundabouts.

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So, what is to be done?

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It's about awareness.

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A lot of people don't even realise that the word midget is considered offensive.

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Oh, yeah, can I take this? Um, what we're talking about is equality, right?

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Martin Luther King once said,

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"I have a dream that one day a little black boy will walk hand in hand with a little white girl," OK?

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Swap the word black for dwarf, and you've got my situation.

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Not literally. I don't mean I want to walk down the street holding hands with a little white girl,

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you know, or any little girl.

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And if I did, um, totally above board, got the parents' permission and everything,

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and it's not like I'm going to a supermarket and dragging the little girl out by the hand

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and off down the woods, you know, Mum screaming, "Oh, where's my child?"

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"Went off down the woods with a creepy little dwarf."

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What I'm saying is that dwarves and regular people should be able to walk hand in hand as equals.

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The Society Of People Of Short Stature wanted to...

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Yeah, no, this is really good, this sort of exposure for the society,

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and that's kind of what I can bring it, you know, with my profile, you know.

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Programmes like this'll be interested to see what it's like.

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Oh, here we are, here's Anthony, the shiny sod!

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Go on, get on with it!

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Homophobic or racial slurs are considered totally unacceptable nowadays,

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and yet words like midget are still being commonly used.

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So, what is to be done?

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Basically, like other minority groups,

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we feel we should be able to expect equality and dignity in public and in the workplace.

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Most of the jobs in the entertainment industry for little people are not dignified.

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Why can't a little person be playing Othello or Hamlet or any of the great roles?

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Height should simply not be an issue.

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It should simply come down to, "Can they act?"

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Anthony Braden from the Society Of People Of Short Stature...

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That's...that's ridiculous.

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They've just cut me out. That's...that's embarrassing.

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For them.

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I feel like phoning up the head of the BBC and going, "All right?

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"It's Warwick Davis here." "All right, how are you doing? Thought you'd be in Hollywood."

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"No, no, took the day off." "What have you been doing, chilling out?

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"No, spent the day helping one of your producers do a news report."

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"That'll get the ratings in." "No, it won't, cos they cut me out." "Did they?"

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"Yeah, they just left in some totally boring un-famous dwarf that no-one cares about.

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"Tell that producer I'll never work for him again."

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"Oh, don't worry, Warwick, he'll never work again."

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Yeah, I'm not going to do that, though.

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I don't want to get the little prat fired.

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-Hello. What's all this?

-We want to talk to you.

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Ah, have you made an appointment cos, er, I've got a lot of meetings this afternoon, haven't I?

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Mm, no, you haven't.

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Are you sure? Just check again.

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No, definitely not. You've got nothing. Nothing's going on.

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Phone hasn't rung for weeks.

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Thanks for your help.

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Seems like I can squeeze you in.

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We saw Anthony on the news last night. He made some interesting points.

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-I made some as well, but they cut me out.

-We're worried there's a conflict of interest.

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-When the phone rings, we don't know if you're representing us or taking the best roles.

-He's not.

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-The phone never rings.

-Yes, it does.

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And I always talk you guys up, but if a producer calls up and says, "I want to book Warwick Davis,"

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I can't go, "Oh, no you don't want him, you want some nobody you've never heard of," can I?

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-I assume you're not putting that on a press release.

-Definitely not. Not putting out press releases.

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-Well, shouldn't you be, to publicise us?

-I've got the website.

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Yeah, but that's a website for you. There should be a Dwarves For Hire website,

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-with our CVs on there and our show reels.

-Who's paying for this?

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You! We want to show people we can play Othello or Hamlet or any other role a regular size person can play.

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Like Anthony said on the news, height shouldn't be an issue, it should come down to, "Can they act?"

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'The truth is they can't act.'

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There's a reason they're bowling balls or being fired from cannons,

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it's cos that's all they're good at.

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'Look at Bernard, he's useless.

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'I don't know what else he could do in life.

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'He certainly can't act.

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'I told him, "You want to volunteer for medical experiments, you'll make more money that way."'

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They pump you full of drugs and prod you around. What's the worst that could happen?

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Even if he ends up deformed or deaf and dumb or loses the use of his legs,

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he'd be no worse off than he is now, and he'd have money!

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'They come to me because I'm sort of their guardian angel.

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'I care for them, I protect them, I nurture them.

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'If they want to be taken seriously, then it's my duty to help.'

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I'll make them a show reel.

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I just hope they can keep the costs down, cos it is a total waste of money,

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and I don't mind giving them false hope, but not at my expense.

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Action.

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My name is Maximus Decidimus Sorus,

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Emperor of the armies and legions, servants of the, er...

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Don't look at me. Just keep...

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Servants of the Emperor, Marcus Aurelius.

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Yeah. Blink.

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I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.

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Er, er, oh!

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This isn't showing you acting, you're hanging there moaning. Think of something to say.

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This is bloody horrible.

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This is not a good Friday.

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Yeah, brilliant. Costing me five grand, this is.

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OK, Brokeback Mountain, take one.

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Oh, yeah, I love you.

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Oh! Don't tell me wife.

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Don't disturb the horses.

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-Yeah. Hey, where did you get this tent from?

-Millets.

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No-one wants to see that.

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I didn't even like seeing the real two do it in the film, and they were lookers.

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Look at that.

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I'm gay.

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Oh! Me, too.

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Aye, definitely gay.

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Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant have sent a quote through for me.

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They've made sure I get the wording exactly right. Um...I understand why.

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Their reputation is everything, um, which is why when they endorse you, it means something.

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Here it is.

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"We've worked with some of the greatest actors on the planet and Warwick Davis."

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Not bad, is it? Thank you, gentleman, for that.

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Some more good news.

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Finally, the fans have begun to find my website

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and some of them have been leaving lovely comments, haven't they?

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Cheryl, do you want to read some out?

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No, not really.

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No, I'm saying, "Read some out."

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Oh, OK.

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This one's from the Prince of Darkness.

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All right, what does the Prince say?

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-"Yay, Warwick's website."

-Great, thank you, Prince of Darkness. Any more?

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-This one's from Nigel Perkins.

-Where do they get these names from?

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Nutty, some of my fans, so... Hello, Nigel. What does he say?

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"Well done."

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Great, Nigel likes it. That's good. Um, cool. Any...anything else?

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-Cyber Slayer.

-Cyber Slayer! It's a cool name.

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-Great.

-He says, "Awful, you are rubbish, you are not an actor, you just dress up.

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"We didn't even see your face in those films.

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"That is not acting. You're not even a proper dwarf.

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"Your arms are wrong."

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Don't even know what that means.

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"You're a disgusting little creature and I want to squash you."

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Is that it?

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No.

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All right, what else?

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"Fuck off."

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Cyber Slayer. Ah, yeah, and that's not your real name.

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Um, you're a coward, hiding behind a crappy little stupid name.

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You're a waste of time, really, um, a moron.

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Yeah, I, I don't know who you are. Nobody knows who you are.

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You know, you've never been in any films or on the TV.

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You...you're...you're nobody. You're not famous.

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-How do you know he isn't famous?

-He isn't famous!

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-Which famous person would go online and slag me off?

-Simon Cowell.

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-Well, why?

-He says what he thinks.

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-Well, why would he think that?

-Maybe he doesn't like looking at weird stuff.

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He worked with Susan Boyle and Jedward, and Louis Walsh.

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Excuse me. I'm here to pick up a dwarf.

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Oh, yeah, er, drunk and disorderly,

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and riding a children's tricycle down a dual carriageway.

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Right, um, are you going to press charges?

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Not if you're happy to take him into your custody.

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Yeah, OK, whatever.

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Let's have him.

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As soon as they even think they're in a film they go and get wasted.

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My name is Maximum Minimus,

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and I'll have my end away with your wife, or the next...

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We had to confiscate his sword.

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I've got my own sword. My pork sword.

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Ha!

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Oh!

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He's thrown up over his own penis.

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You're not getting in my car smelling like that.

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Don't need to. I've got my bike.

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No, Pete, you can't go on the bike, not again.

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No, whoa, stop!

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Pete, stop!

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Oh! Don't go on the dual carriageway, take the back roads. What is he..?

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Oh! How long is that going to take him to get home?

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CRASHING

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Oh, now he's off.

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Look, he's just flailing like a dung beetle.

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Oh, it's pathetic.

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Thought of the day, um, let's stay out of the Middle East,

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let them blow themselves up and then just walk in and take the oil.

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Next, women I'd like to meet.

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Dame Judi Dench and Shakira for completely different reasons.

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So, I posted that up and our friend Cyber Slayer has been back on

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and he posted this comment.

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"You'd never get off with a bird like Shakira,

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"she'd take one look at you, gob in your ugly face and run a mile.

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"I could get off with her because I do get off with birds as good as her all the time, anyway."

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Pathetic. And he's a coward, cos he wouldn't say that to my face.

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I'm going to prove that because I've tracked him down.

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Cheryl here has been doing a bit of detective work, haven't you?

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From his user name, I found his YouTube channel

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and from his YouTube channel, it was linked to his MySpace page.

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Yeah, yeah, OK. It's taking longer than an episode of Columbo.

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Um, point is we found out he's 16 years old,

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so there's no way he's getting off with better-looking birds than Shakira.

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I've got his real name, I've got the name of his posh school,

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so I'm going to pay the Cyber Slayer a little visit.

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And I'm going to destroy him.

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-Sorry, can I help you?

-Yes, I want to read you something, if that's OK.

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This was posted on my YouTube channel by a pupil in your class.

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"You ugly little troll. I want to tie you up and beat you."

0:18:220:18:27

-Quiet!

-Now, I don't know why he's got such a fascination with me.

0:18:270:18:31

Clearly has a fetish for dwarves.

0:18:310:18:33

Wants to tie me up, does he? Mm, sounds a bit gay!

0:18:370:18:40

Maybe he's in love with me. A gay dwarf fetish!

0:18:400:18:43

His name is Justin Palmer.

0:18:450:18:47

Justin Palmer, come up here.

0:18:480:18:51

WHIRRING

0:18:510:18:53

Justin, did you write these?

0:19:050:19:07

And tell me the truth. Did you bully this man online?

0:19:070:19:11

Yes.

0:19:110:19:12

What do you have to say for yourself?

0:19:120:19:16

-Sorry.

-Don't say sorry to me, say sorry to him.

0:19:160:19:18

-It's fine, really, it doesn't matter.

-No, it's not fine.

0:19:180:19:21

Apologise, please, to the gentleman that you've bullied.

0:19:210:19:24

-Wasn't actually bullying, as such.

-Sorry.

0:19:240:19:27

Thanks.

0:19:270:19:28

Good. Now go back to your desk.

0:19:280:19:31

You haven't heard the last of this. See me afterwards.

0:19:320:19:34

-Gay!

-OK, sssh!

0:19:360:19:39

Bum chum!

0:19:390:19:41

CHILDREN LAUGH

0:19:410:19:42

Bender!

0:19:440:19:45

'It's water under the bridge. Um, it's all sorted now.'

0:19:470:19:50

Um, I hadn't realised that he was... He'll be fine though, so...

0:19:500:19:56

CHILDREN LAUGH

0:19:560:19:58

Did you destroy him?

0:20:100:20:12

Destroy is such an awful term.

0:20:130:20:15

Any messages?

0:20:150:20:17

Yes, a woman called, she'd seen the Dwarves For Hire website.

0:20:170:20:21

Oh, yeah?

0:20:210:20:22

She said they need a dwarf actor urgently for a week's filming

0:20:220:20:26

on a movie with Helena Bonham Carter.

0:20:260:20:29

Really? What's... Where is it?

0:20:290:20:33

Great!

0:20:330:20:34

Shall I use one of those dwarves that complains

0:20:340:20:37

that you always take the best action jobs for yourself?

0:20:370:20:40

No. No, I'll...I'll do this job. They said they needed Warwick Davis, so...

0:20:400:20:44

They didn't specify, we can give it to who we want.

0:20:440:20:46

I know, but if a director says he needs a dwarf to act opposite Helena Bonham Carter,

0:20:460:20:51

then I have a responsibility to all my clients to take that role, you know, cos, you know,

0:20:510:20:55

if I give them any old dwarf, you know, it'll be like,

0:20:550:20:58

"Oh, this dwarf can't act, I'll never use a dwarf again,"

0:20:580:21:01

whereas if I do it, he'll be like, "Wow, Warwick Davis is brilliant.

0:21:010:21:04

"If this is what all dwarf actors are like, I'm going to sprinkle this place with dwarves."

0:21:040:21:09

So, yeah, call 'em back, tell 'em they've got their dwarf.

0:21:090:21:13

Good.

0:21:130:21:14

Huge honour for me to be in a scene with Helena Bonham Carter.

0:21:140:21:19

Um, you know, a big thrill.

0:21:190:21:21

And she's a wonderful actress, you know, very talented,

0:21:210:21:24

is Oscar-nominated, and with her in a film,

0:21:240:21:28

it's going to get a lot of attention, which will put me back on the map.

0:21:280:21:31

So... So, yeah, it's a big opportunity for me. I'm very excited.

0:21:310:21:35

Stand by.

0:21:410:21:42

Action.

0:21:420:21:44

Now, I want you to be a brave young man for your father.

0:21:450:21:49

While he's away fighting for Her Majesty, you're to be the man of the house.

0:21:490:21:53

Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.

0:21:530:21:56

-One more time.

-Shall I give you the line, then you just do it?

0:21:560:21:59

Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.

0:21:590:22:01

Fear is what makes you a man.

0:22:010:22:04

You cannot have courage without fear.

0:22:040:22:06

Brilliant, Danny. One more time, even more scared.

0:22:060:22:09

Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.

0:22:090:22:12

Yes, but fear's what makes you a man.

0:22:120:22:14

You cannot have courage without fear.

0:22:140:22:16

And cut. Check the gate.

0:22:160:22:18

That was lovely. You worked so...

0:22:180:22:20

Beautiful. Cut there.

0:22:200:22:22

OK, we'll see you tomorrow.

0:22:220:22:24

Really good.

0:22:240:22:27

-Can we turn round on Helena and find me Danny's stand-in.

-Yes, OK.

0:22:270:22:31

I'm a stand-in for a child.

0:22:310:22:33

Yeah, kids can only work a certain number of hours on a film,

0:22:350:22:39

so if they're going to shoot from behind the kid's head, they'll often use dwarves.

0:22:390:22:44

So that means I'm not even going to be in the film.

0:22:440:22:47

I'm just here so Helen Bonham Carter's got someone to look at.

0:22:470:22:52

Could have used any old dwarf.

0:22:520:22:54

And action.

0:22:540:22:56

Now, I want you to be a brave young man for your father.

0:22:560:23:01

While he's away, fighting for Her Majesty,

0:23:010:23:03

you're to be the man of the house.

0:23:030:23:05

-Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.

-Yes, but fear's what makes you a man.

0:23:050:23:10

You cannot have courage without fear. I want you to remember that.

0:23:100:23:13

Then I must be a brave man, for all I feel is fear...

0:23:130:23:16

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I can't...

0:23:160:23:18

-Cut, cut. What's the problem?

-Yeah, I'm...

0:23:180:23:21

-What?

-No, it's just like, it's just really hard to act opposite this, given the way it looks.

0:23:210:23:26

I mean, it's a bit weird, I mean, the...the legs don't move the same as Danny's.

0:23:260:23:30

-Yeah, OK, yeah.

-Yeah, and I can't have its face staring at me.

0:23:300:23:34

-It?

-Can we lose the face?

0:23:340:23:36

-What d'you mean, lose the face?

-Can we cover up the face?

-Does he even need to be there at all?

0:23:360:23:40

I mean, anything else would do.

0:23:400:23:42

-How about a block of wood?

-Block of wood would be great.

0:23:420:23:45

-Block of wood, please.

-What about a bin?

-Yeah, a bin would be fine.

-Oh, yeah(!)

0:23:450:23:49

-Paint a face on it so I've got something to focus on.

-Face, please, face on the bin.

0:23:490:23:53

-OK. Thanks. Come on, come on.

-All right.

0:23:530:23:57

OK. Great, yeah, that's perfect.

0:23:570:23:59

-Do you still need the lines?

-Yeah, yeah, get him to do the lines.

0:23:590:24:02

-OK. Thanks, Nobs.

-Yeah.

0:24:020:24:04

-OK, thank you, just the lines.

-OK.

0:24:040:24:06

Right, let's go.

0:24:060:24:08

And action.

0:24:080:24:09

Now, I want you to be a brave young man for your father.

0:24:090:24:13

While he's away fighting for Her Majesty,

0:24:130:24:16

-you're to be the man of the house.

-Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.

0:24:160:24:19

-I'm sorry.

-Cut, cut.

0:24:190:24:20

What's the problem?

0:24:200:24:22

He's sneaking around back there, I don't know what he's doing. He could be weeing or anything.

0:24:220:24:26

-What?

-What are you doing?

0:24:260:24:28

Tell you what, why don't we put him in the bin?

0:24:280:24:30

-Yeah, might be better.

-OK, let's put the midget in the bin.

0:24:300:24:34

Hang on! No, I'm not going in the bin.

0:24:340:24:36

-Have you got a problem?

-It's ridiculous.

-Really?

0:24:360:24:38

Well...

0:24:380:24:40

You want to get paid?

0:24:400:24:41

OK, let's go again. Stand by.

0:24:430:24:45

And we're rolling. Action.

0:24:470:24:49

Now, I want you to be a brave young man.

0:24:490:24:51

While your father's away fighting for Her Majesty,

0:24:510:24:53

you are going to be the man of the house.

0:24:530:24:55

-Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.

-Yes, but fear...

0:24:550:24:58

-I'm sorry!

-Cut. What?

0:24:580:25:02

-Helena?

-No, I can't do it like that.

0:25:020:25:04

That's really bad, bad acting. It's horrible.

0:25:040:25:07

Look, I'm not even looking at him and it's still really... I can't.

0:25:070:25:12

All right, no, I've got an idea, I've got an idea, I've got an idea.

0:25:120:25:15

-Nobby, thought you might help.

-He'll be fine.

-You do the line.

-Yeah, thanks.

-Why Nobby now?

0:25:150:25:20

Nobs, thanks.

0:25:200:25:21

OK, why don't you just read Miss Fairfax, that's all I need, just read it, OK?

0:25:210:25:25

-Stand by.

-Do I need to stay?

0:25:250:25:28

Rolling.

0:25:280:25:29

OK, ready, and action.

0:25:290:25:32

I want you to be a brave young man for your father.

0:25:320:25:34

While he's away, fighting for Her Majesty, you're the man of the house.

0:25:340:25:38

Miss, Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.

0:25:380:25:40

I'm sorry.

0:25:400:25:41

-Ah, cut, cut, cut!

-No... I... He's peering...

0:25:410:25:44

-He's staring at me while I'm doing the scene.

-Oh!

0:25:440:25:46

-He must be putting Nobby off.

-It is a bit, yeah.

-Yeah, and I'm...

0:25:460:25:49

-Don't worry, Nobs, we'll get another go. Don't worry. He's just, um...

-Yeah. I know.

0:25:490:25:54

-And he smells.

-They all smell.

-I think you'll find it's the bin!

0:25:540:25:57

-No, no, it's...

-Excuse me.

-I'll do it. I think I've had enough.

-OK.

0:25:570:26:00

-And I know what I can take.

-We'll get rid of him, we'll get rid of him.

0:26:000:26:04

-And I'm just on the brink.

-We'll do a separate shoot.

0:26:040:26:07

-Yeah.

-Without the, er... I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

0:26:070:26:10

-OK.

-Oh, shit, I'm sorry. It's OK.

0:26:100:26:13

OK, that's lunch, folks. Back at two.

0:26:130:26:15

Excuse me. Sorry?

0:26:240:26:26

Excuse me.

0:26:260:26:28

Right.

0:26:300:26:31

"Do you want to do a day's filming with Helena Bonham Carter

0:26:340:26:37

"for shit money while a fat bloke with a beard does your lines for you, cos you're so crap at acting?!"

0:26:370:26:41

'Crap?

0:26:410:26:42

'Like you're going to get my best acting from inside a bin!'

0:26:420:26:47

If you want me in a bin, you're not getting my best acting as well. It's one or the other.

0:26:470:26:51

Do you want best acting, or do you want me in a bin? You decide.

0:26:510:26:55

Fine. So it's, er, lunch.

0:26:550:26:58

Thanks for your help.

0:26:580:27:02

-We're in LA Thursday, if you want to do dinner.

-Sounds great.

0:27:050:27:08

Maybe I should be in the chairman's chair.

0:27:080:27:10

Maybe there are testicles down there.

0:27:100:27:12

I haven't got testicles.

0:27:120:27:13

This is the amount we've arrived at.

0:27:130:27:15

Oh, the fucking solicitor!

0:27:150:27:18

It was the wrong time for comedy, I know that now.

0:27:180:27:21

THEY LAUGH

0:27:210:27:23

Oh, that is so going on YouTube!

0:27:230:27:25

-You still want to do dinner?

-Er, no.

0:27:250:27:27

Be awkward, wouldn't it?

0:27:270:27:29

This is bloody horrible. You're making a big mistake.

0:27:320:27:35

You should not have crucified me.

0:27:350:27:37

I ask you, would you use him?

0:27:370:27:40

If I ever wrote The Passion Of The Dwarf, maybe.

0:27:400:27:43

You think that's inappropriate, look at this.

0:27:430:27:46

I like men who give me pleasure, and he gave me a lot of pleasure.

0:27:460:27:50

You ever fucked on cocaine?

0:27:500:27:52

Whoa! Oh, that's going to do her no good at all.

0:27:520:27:57

-Yeah, I wanted to cut it.

-Or at least give it a quick trim!

0:27:570:27:59

After complaints that he takes all the best roles for himself, Warwick launches a website and creates showreels for his clients. But he still takes on a role opposite Helena Bonham Carter.


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