Episode 3 Life's Too Short

What's the problem?

When I signed up, my heroes were Laurence Olivier, Al Pacino...

At least you're working.

I know. It's not exactly what I dreamed of.

Oh, here we go!

CHEERING

This programme contains some strong language

Strike!

'My name is Warwick Davis.' Hello, Dwarves For Hire.

'I'm an entrepreneur.'

-You're stealing the best roles for yourself.

-'I'm an actor.'

-What part of the character's this?

-Just keep going.

-'Soon to be divorced.'

-Got your special shampoo?

-Yes.

'Oh, and I've got a massive tax bill.'

It's you that didn't know what he was doing. You're my accountant.

Hello, I'm Warwick Davis and welcome to my website, warwickdavis.org.uk.

Here's a showbiz anecdote for you.

I was trying on costumes once with actor Mark Hamill.

He was stripped down to his underwear,

and I was quite literally taken aback by the size of the bulge in his underpants.

For a slight man, there really was a monster down there.

I was mightily impressed, and he was flaccid.

So there you have it, finally Warwick Davis has gone cyber.

The site's been live for 48 hours now. How many hits, Cheryl?

12.

12. For God's sakes! See, that annoys me.

Porn stars on sites like, I don't know, hotdirtysluts.co.uk, millions of hits.

Me, proper film star making proper films, 12 hits.

"Do you want to visit my website?" "No, we'd rather have a wank, Warwick." "Oh, have a wank then."

I mean, part of the problem could be that my website address is warwickdavis.org.uk.

Um, I couldn't get warwickdavis.com cos that was already taken,

so if you're looking for me and you type in warwickdavis.com,

you're going to be sorely disappointed.

Probably get some clown who's a plumber in Chepstow.

There he is. And I don't think you want to go there.

Well, it turns out you do, actually, he's had more hits than me.

1,800 people need a plumber in Chepstow? Fuck off!

What do you need?

-Well, I won't keep you guys.

-Go on.

Well, I was thinking, what'd be great for my website

-would be a quote from you, Ricky, endorsing me as an actor.

-OK.

-Think that's a good idea?

-Yeah, definitely.

The problem is, I'll start straightaway,

-um, I can't think of anything.

-You could think of something.

Just a couple of sentences singing my praises, and directors and producers would see it up there

-and think, "Wow, this dude must be good if..."

-Really good idea.

-Yeah, yeah? What, to me to put my name to, to his...

-Yeah, yeah.

-..career?

Um, well, we're a bit snowed under, to be honest, but I...

-Can you just e-mail me something later?

-Oh... Yeah.

Great. Cheers. Thanks.

The Society Of People Of Short Stature was set up in 1985.

We're a group that really campaigns for the rights of little people.

Currently, the chairman is a man called Anthony Braden.

I am vice chairman.

I should probably be chairman, really,

but I suppose it means more to Anthony, so good luck to him.

Prejudice doesn't need to be hate-fuelled, it can just be ignorance.

It can be being patronised or it can just simply be...

'I feel it's important to use whatever charisma

'and star power that I've been blessed with to help others.'

It's an honour.

It's also a duty.

If you can send in your bits of news and any interesting articles

we'll try and get them published.

So I look forward to seeing you at the next meeting. Thanks.

What's... What's all that? What's...

Oh, I've just got to do a quick interview for BBC News about the society,

-What, they're interviewing you?

-Yeah.

Hiya.

So you're from the BBC.

Er, yeah.

British Broadcasting Corporation.

And, er, and you're interviewing Anthony?

That's right.

Seems a bit odd. You know, you've got a film star in your midst and you wouldn't use him.

What film star?

Me, Warwick Davis. Return Of The Jedi, etc.

Ah, OK. It's just a quick interview.

-We were told Anthony's the chairman of the society.

-Yeah, I'm sure, yeah, well, he is.

Bit worried, actually. Anthony might freeze up in front of the cameras, you know.

It's just one camera.

-Can I have a word?

-Yeah, of course.

Bloody film crew just clocked me, right,

and they want me to do the interview.

You all right if we do it together?

Yeah, fine. I'm not bothered.

Hiya. Just spoke to Anthony over there.

Our worst fears have come true. He's nervous.

He wants me to do the interview with him.

-Er, fine, whatever.

-Cool.

You got a dressing room I can chill out in?

Just need to get my head together, you know.

-No, we're ready to go now.

-Cool, mm.

Got any slap?

-Slap?

-Make-up.

No.

It's all right, got me own.

Pop another chair out.

You all right?

Bit shiny... Do you want some powder?

No, I'm fine.

Sweaty.

Happy?

-Yeah, I'm happy. You happy?

-Yeah.

-Great, let's rock 'n' roll.

-OK, then.

Take one.

So, what are you campaigning for?

Well, um, homophobic or racial slurs are considered totally unacceptable nowadays,

and yet words like midget are still being commonly used.

Anthony's mentioned racism, and I see our struggle as being like the civil rights movement in America.

Of the two of us, I suppose I'm more like Martin Luther King,

just cos I've got the profile and the charisma and a way with words,

but, you know, that's not to say Anthony's not got an important role to play.

He's more your run of the mill coloured chap in the '50s, you know.

Yes, I'm taking all the glory and going down in history,

but then he's not getting shot in the head.

So, swings and roundabouts.

So, what is to be done?

It's about awareness.

A lot of people don't even realise that the word midget is considered offensive.

Oh, yeah, can I take this? Um, what we're talking about is equality, right?

Martin Luther King once said,

"I have a dream that one day a little black boy will walk hand in hand with a little white girl," OK?

Swap the word black for dwarf, and you've got my situation.

Not literally. I don't mean I want to walk down the street holding hands with a little white girl,

you know, or any little girl.

And if I did, um, totally above board, got the parents' permission and everything,

and it's not like I'm going to a supermarket and dragging the little girl out by the hand

and off down the woods, you know, Mum screaming, "Oh, where's my child?"

"Went off down the woods with a creepy little dwarf."

What I'm saying is that dwarves and regular people should be able to walk hand in hand as equals.

The Society Of People Of Short Stature wanted to...

Yeah, no, this is really good, this sort of exposure for the society,

and that's kind of what I can bring it, you know, with my profile, you know.

Programmes like this'll be interested to see what it's like.

Oh, here we are, here's Anthony, the shiny sod!

Go on, get on with it!

Homophobic or racial slurs are considered totally unacceptable nowadays,

and yet words like midget are still being commonly used.

So, what is to be done?

Basically, like other minority groups,

we feel we should be able to expect equality and dignity in public and in the workplace.

Most of the jobs in the entertainment industry for little people are not dignified.

Why can't a little person be playing Othello or Hamlet or any of the great roles?

Height should simply not be an issue.

It should simply come down to, "Can they act?"

Anthony Braden from the Society Of People Of Short Stature...

That's...that's ridiculous.

They've just cut me out. That's...that's embarrassing.

For them.

I feel like phoning up the head of the BBC and going, "All right?

"It's Warwick Davis here." "All right, how are you doing? Thought you'd be in Hollywood."

"No, no, took the day off." "What have you been doing, chilling out?

"No, spent the day helping one of your producers do a news report."

"That'll get the ratings in." "No, it won't, cos they cut me out." "Did they?"

"Yeah, they just left in some totally boring un-famous dwarf that no-one cares about.

"Tell that producer I'll never work for him again."

"Oh, don't worry, Warwick, he'll never work again."

Yeah, I'm not going to do that, though.

I don't want to get the little prat fired.

-Hello. What's all this?

-We want to talk to you.

Ah, have you made an appointment cos, er, I've got a lot of meetings this afternoon, haven't I?

Mm, no, you haven't.

Are you sure? Just check again.

No, definitely not. You've got nothing. Nothing's going on.

Phone hasn't rung for weeks.

Thanks for your help.

Seems like I can squeeze you in.

We saw Anthony on the news last night. He made some interesting points.

-I made some as well, but they cut me out.

-We're worried there's a conflict of interest.

-When the phone rings, we don't know if you're representing us or taking the best roles.

-He's not.

-The phone never rings.

-Yes, it does.

And I always talk you guys up, but if a producer calls up and says, "I want to book Warwick Davis,"

I can't go, "Oh, no you don't want him, you want some nobody you've never heard of," can I?

-I assume you're not putting that on a press release.

-Definitely not. Not putting out press releases.

-Well, shouldn't you be, to publicise us?

-I've got the website.

Yeah, but that's a website for you. There should be a Dwarves For Hire website,

-with our CVs on there and our show reels.

-Who's paying for this?

You! We want to show people we can play Othello or Hamlet or any other role a regular size person can play.

Like Anthony said on the news, height shouldn't be an issue, it should come down to, "Can they act?"

'The truth is they can't act.'

There's a reason they're bowling balls or being fired from cannons,

it's cos that's all they're good at.

'Look at Bernard, he's useless.

'I don't know what else he could do in life.

'He certainly can't act.

'I told him, "You want to volunteer for medical experiments, you'll make more money that way."'

They pump you full of drugs and prod you around. What's the worst that could happen?

Even if he ends up deformed or deaf and dumb or loses the use of his legs,

he'd be no worse off than he is now, and he'd have money!

'They come to me because I'm sort of their guardian angel.

'I care for them, I protect them, I nurture them.

'If they want to be taken seriously, then it's my duty to help.'

I'll make them a show reel.

I just hope they can keep the costs down, cos it is a total waste of money,

and I don't mind giving them false hope, but not at my expense.

Action.

My name is Maximus Decidimus Sorus,

Emperor of the armies and legions, servants of the, er...

Don't look at me. Just keep...

Servants of the Emperor, Marcus Aurelius.

Yeah. Blink.

I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.

Er, er, oh!

This isn't showing you acting, you're hanging there moaning. Think of something to say.

This is bloody horrible.

This is not a good Friday.

Yeah, brilliant. Costing me five grand, this is.

OK, Brokeback Mountain, take one.

Oh, yeah, I love you.

Oh! Don't tell me wife.

Don't disturb the horses.

-Yeah. Hey, where did you get this tent from?

-Millets.

No-one wants to see that.

I didn't even like seeing the real two do it in the film, and they were lookers.

Look at that.

I'm gay.

Oh! Me, too.

Aye, definitely gay.

Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant have sent a quote through for me.

They've made sure I get the wording exactly right. Um...I understand why.

Their reputation is everything, um, which is why when they endorse you, it means something.

Here it is.

"We've worked with some of the greatest actors on the planet and Warwick Davis."

Not bad, is it? Thank you, gentleman, for that.

Some more good news.

Finally, the fans have begun to find my website

and some of them have been leaving lovely comments, haven't they?

Cheryl, do you want to read some out?

No, not really.

No, I'm saying, "Read some out."

Oh, OK.

This one's from the Prince of Darkness.

All right, what does the Prince say?

-"Yay, Warwick's website."

-Great, thank you, Prince of Darkness. Any more?

-This one's from Nigel Perkins.

-Where do they get these names from?

Nutty, some of my fans, so... Hello, Nigel. What does he say?

"Well done."

Great, Nigel likes it. That's good. Um, cool. Any...anything else?

-Cyber Slayer.

-Cyber Slayer! It's a cool name.

-Great.

-He says, "Awful, you are rubbish, you are not an actor, you just dress up.

"We didn't even see your face in those films.

"That is not acting. You're not even a proper dwarf.

"Your arms are wrong."

Don't even know what that means.

"You're a disgusting little creature and I want to squash you."

Is that it?

No.

All right, what else?

"Fuck off."

Cyber Slayer. Ah, yeah, and that's not your real name.

Um, you're a coward, hiding behind a crappy little stupid name.

You're a waste of time, really, um, a moron.

Yeah, I, I don't know who you are. Nobody knows who you are.

You know, you've never been in any films or on the TV.

You...you're...you're nobody. You're not famous.

-How do you know he isn't famous?

-He isn't famous!

-Which famous person would go online and slag me off?

-Simon Cowell.

-Well, why?

-He says what he thinks.

-Well, why would he think that?

-Maybe he doesn't like looking at weird stuff.

He worked with Susan Boyle and Jedward, and Louis Walsh.

Excuse me. I'm here to pick up a dwarf.

Oh, yeah, er, drunk and disorderly,

and riding a children's tricycle down a dual carriageway.

Right, um, are you going to press charges?

Not if you're happy to take him into your custody.

Yeah, OK, whatever.

Let's have him.

As soon as they even think they're in a film they go and get wasted.

My name is Maximum Minimus,

and I'll have my end away with your wife, or the next...

We had to confiscate his sword.

I've got my own sword. My pork sword.

Ha!

Oh!

He's thrown up over his own penis.

You're not getting in my car smelling like that.

Don't need to. I've got my bike.

No, Pete, you can't go on the bike, not again.

No, whoa, stop!

Pete, stop!

Oh! Don't go on the dual carriageway, take the back roads. What is he..?

Oh! How long is that going to take him to get home?

CRASHING

Oh, now he's off.

Look, he's just flailing like a dung beetle.

Oh, it's pathetic.

Thought of the day, um, let's stay out of the Middle East,

let them blow themselves up and then just walk in and take the oil.

Next, women I'd like to meet.

Dame Judi Dench and Shakira for completely different reasons.

So, I posted that up and our friend Cyber Slayer has been back on

and he posted this comment.

"You'd never get off with a bird like Shakira,

"she'd take one look at you, gob in your ugly face and run a mile.

"I could get off with her because I do get off with birds as good as her all the time, anyway."

Pathetic. And he's a coward, cos he wouldn't say that to my face.

I'm going to prove that because I've tracked him down.

Cheryl here has been doing a bit of detective work, haven't you?

From his user name, I found his YouTube channel

and from his YouTube channel, it was linked to his MySpace page.

Yeah, yeah, OK. It's taking longer than an episode of Columbo.

Um, point is we found out he's 16 years old,

so there's no way he's getting off with better-looking birds than Shakira.

I've got his real name, I've got the name of his posh school,

so I'm going to pay the Cyber Slayer a little visit.

And I'm going to destroy him.

-Sorry, can I help you?

-Yes, I want to read you something, if that's OK.

This was posted on my YouTube channel by a pupil in your class.

"You ugly little troll. I want to tie you up and beat you."

-Quiet!

-Now, I don't know why he's got such a fascination with me.

Clearly has a fetish for dwarves.

Wants to tie me up, does he? Mm, sounds a bit gay!

Maybe he's in love with me. A gay dwarf fetish!

His name is Justin Palmer.

Justin Palmer, come up here.

WHIRRING

Justin, did you write these?

And tell me the truth. Did you bully this man online?

Yes.

What do you have to say for yourself?

-Sorry.

-Don't say sorry to me, say sorry to him.

-It's fine, really, it doesn't matter.

-No, it's not fine.

Apologise, please, to the gentleman that you've bullied.

-Wasn't actually bullying, as such.

-Sorry.

Thanks.

Good. Now go back to your desk.

You haven't heard the last of this. See me afterwards.

-Gay!

-OK, sssh!

Bum chum!

CHILDREN LAUGH

Bender!

'It's water under the bridge. Um, it's all sorted now.'

Um, I hadn't realised that he was... He'll be fine though, so...

CHILDREN LAUGH

Did you destroy him?

Destroy is such an awful term.

Any messages?

Yes, a woman called, she'd seen the Dwarves For Hire website.

Oh, yeah?

She said they need a dwarf actor urgently for a week's filming

on a movie with Helena Bonham Carter.

Really? What's... Where is it?

Great!

Shall I use one of those dwarves that complains

that you always take the best action jobs for yourself?

No. No, I'll...I'll do this job. They said they needed Warwick Davis, so...

They didn't specify, we can give it to who we want.

I know, but if a director says he needs a dwarf to act opposite Helena Bonham Carter,

then I have a responsibility to all my clients to take that role, you know, cos, you know,

if I give them any old dwarf, you know, it'll be like,

"Oh, this dwarf can't act, I'll never use a dwarf again,"

whereas if I do it, he'll be like, "Wow, Warwick Davis is brilliant.

"If this is what all dwarf actors are like, I'm going to sprinkle this place with dwarves."

So, yeah, call 'em back, tell 'em they've got their dwarf.

Good.

Huge honour for me to be in a scene with Helena Bonham Carter.

Um, you know, a big thrill.

And she's a wonderful actress, you know, very talented,

is Oscar-nominated, and with her in a film,

it's going to get a lot of attention, which will put me back on the map.

So... So, yeah, it's a big opportunity for me. I'm very excited.

Stand by.

Action.

Now, I want you to be a brave young man for your father.

While he's away fighting for Her Majesty, you're to be the man of the house.

Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.

-One more time.

-Shall I give you the line, then you just do it?

Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.

Fear is what makes you a man.

You cannot have courage without fear.

Brilliant, Danny. One more time, even more scared.

Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.

Yes, but fear's what makes you a man.

You cannot have courage without fear.

And cut. Check the gate.

That was lovely. You worked so...

Beautiful. Cut there.

OK, we'll see you tomorrow.

Really good.

-Can we turn round on Helena and find me Danny's stand-in.

-Yes, OK.

I'm a stand-in for a child.

Yeah, kids can only work a certain number of hours on a film,

so if they're going to shoot from behind the kid's head, they'll often use dwarves.

So that means I'm not even going to be in the film.

I'm just here so Helen Bonham Carter's got someone to look at.

Could have used any old dwarf.

And action.

Now, I want you to be a brave young man for your father.

While he's away, fighting for Her Majesty,

you're to be the man of the house.

-Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.

-Yes, but fear's what makes you a man.

You cannot have courage without fear. I want you to remember that.

Then I must be a brave man, for all I feel is fear...

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I can't...

-Cut, cut. What's the problem?

-Yeah, I'm...

-What?

-No, it's just like, it's just really hard to act opposite this, given the way it looks.

I mean, it's a bit weird, I mean, the...the legs don't move the same as Danny's.

-Yeah, OK, yeah.

-Yeah, and I can't have its face staring at me.

-It?

-Can we lose the face?

-What d'you mean, lose the face?

-Can we cover up the face?

-Does he even need to be there at all?

I mean, anything else would do.

-How about a block of wood?

-Block of wood would be great.

-Block of wood, please.

-What about a bin?

-Yeah, a bin would be fine.

-Oh, yeah(!)

-Paint a face on it so I've got something to focus on.

-Face, please, face on the bin.

-OK. Thanks. Come on, come on.

-All right.

OK. Great, yeah, that's perfect.

-Do you still need the lines?

-Yeah, yeah, get him to do the lines.

-OK. Thanks, Nobs.

-Yeah.

-OK, thank you, just the lines.

-OK.

Right, let's go.

And action.

Now, I want you to be a brave young man for your father.

While he's away fighting for Her Majesty,

-you're to be the man of the house.

-Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.

-I'm sorry.

-Cut, cut.

What's the problem?

He's sneaking around back there, I don't know what he's doing. He could be weeing or anything.

-What?

-What are you doing?

Tell you what, why don't we put him in the bin?

-Yeah, might be better.

-OK, let's put the midget in the bin.

Hang on! No, I'm not going in the bin.

-Have you got a problem?

-It's ridiculous.

-Really?

Well...

You want to get paid?

OK, let's go again. Stand by.

And we're rolling. Action.

Now, I want you to be a brave young man.

While your father's away fighting for Her Majesty,

you are going to be the man of the house.

-Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.

-Yes, but fear...

-I'm sorry!

-Cut. What?

-Helena?

-No, I can't do it like that.

That's really bad, bad acting. It's horrible.

Look, I'm not even looking at him and it's still really... I can't.

All right, no, I've got an idea, I've got an idea, I've got an idea.

-Nobby, thought you might help.

-He'll be fine.

-You do the line.

-Yeah, thanks.

-Why Nobby now?

Nobs, thanks.

OK, why don't you just read Miss Fairfax, that's all I need, just read it, OK?

-Stand by.

-Do I need to stay?

Rolling.

OK, ready, and action.

I want you to be a brave young man for your father.

While he's away, fighting for Her Majesty, you're the man of the house.

Miss, Miss Fairfax, I'm scared.

I'm sorry.

-Ah, cut, cut, cut!

-No... I... He's peering...

-He's staring at me while I'm doing the scene.

-Oh!

-He must be putting Nobby off.

-It is a bit, yeah.

-Yeah, and I'm...

-Don't worry, Nobs, we'll get another go. Don't worry. He's just, um...

-Yeah. I know.

-And he smells.

-They all smell.

-I think you'll find it's the bin!

-No, no, it's...

-Excuse me.

-I'll do it. I think I've had enough.

-OK.

-And I know what I can take.

-We'll get rid of him, we'll get rid of him.

-And I'm just on the brink.

-We'll do a separate shoot.

-Yeah.

-Without the, er... I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

-OK.

-Oh, shit, I'm sorry. It's OK.

OK, that's lunch, folks. Back at two.

Excuse me. Sorry?

Excuse me.

Right.

"Do you want to do a day's filming with Helena Bonham Carter

"for shit money while a fat bloke with a beard does your lines for you, cos you're so crap at acting?!"

'Crap?

'Like you're going to get my best acting from inside a bin!'

If you want me in a bin, you're not getting my best acting as well. It's one or the other.

Do you want best acting, or do you want me in a bin? You decide.

Fine. So it's, er, lunch.

Thanks for your help.

-We're in LA Thursday, if you want to do dinner.

-Sounds great.

Maybe I should be in the chairman's chair.

Maybe there are testicles down there.

I haven't got testicles.

This is the amount we've arrived at.

Oh, the fucking solicitor!

It was the wrong time for comedy, I know that now.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, that is so going on YouTube!

-You still want to do dinner?

-Er, no.

Be awkward, wouldn't it?

This is bloody horrible. You're making a big mistake.

You should not have crucified me.

I ask you, would you use him?

If I ever wrote The Passion Of The Dwarf, maybe.

You think that's inappropriate, look at this.

I like men who give me pleasure, and he gave me a lot of pleasure.

You ever fucked on cocaine?

Whoa! Oh, that's going to do her no good at all.

-Yeah, I wanted to cut it.

-Or at least give it a quick trim!