Episode 4 Life's Too Short

Hello, Dwarves for Hire.

'My name is Warwick Davis.

'I'm an actor...'

-He smells.

-I think you'll find it's the bin.

'An entrepreneur...'

Signed DVDs of The Office, only 30 quid.

-'Soon to be divorced...'

-I wanted to be a nurse.

Do we really need any more nurses?

'Oh, and I've got a massive tax bill...'

Would you be better off dead? Yes!

This programme contains some strong language

I'm out flat-hunting this morning.

Got tired of crashing with friends.

I'm 41 years old, I need a new crib.

Estate agents will always try and screw you.

Now, you want them to think they need you a lot more than you need them.

You know, if they say, "Nice place, isn't it?", you go, "Hmm, not sure."

Even if it's perfect, always find a problem. You understand?

Yep.

This is how we'll play it.

You're my right-hand woman and you ask all the questions.

It'll seem like I'm too important even to talk.

No-one knows what I'm thinking.

As far as the estate agent's concerned, I'm just some cool dude with short arms and deep pockets.

Yeah.

Lovely, isn't it?

Yeah.

No.

No?

No, but it's him you've got to please.

What do you think?

No-one knows what he's thinking. He doesn't even know what he's thinking.

-I know!

-He knows. For him to know and you to find out.

And don't charge him too much,

cos he's got tiny little arms and so he can't reach his pockets.

That's not what I said. I said that, oh, er...

I've got short arms and deep pockets.

-Shall we have a look round the rest of the flat?

-Mm-hmm.

Problems.

-What?

-Find a problem, remember?

Sorry, I can see some problems.

Problems? Like what?

Er, oh, um...

This corner here, sharp corner.

What if he, um, runs into that while he's playing?

-Playing?

-Playing.

Well, no, what, what she means is, is, is that I...

I'm a player, you know, like a playboy player, yeah?

But don't worry, there'll be no trouble.

Settled down now, respectable, no more chasing the girls.

He was always chasing the girls.

-Mm-hmm.

-Was he?

Yeah. But not in a scary little rapey way.

And he wouldn't do anything if he caught them.

I mean, there's nothing of any importance he could reach on a girl, anyway.

Unless they fell over while he was chasing them, then he could touch them everywhere.

-Weren't we're having a look round?

-Yeah.

-Shall we just...

-Oh, there's a kitchen.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's all mod-cons.

Fan-assisted oven.

OK.

Fridge freezer, very big, lots of room.

-Is this microwave radioactive?

-Sorry?

Are microwaves radioactive?

-What's that?

-That's a drainer for plates.

-Oh!

Do you like your job?

It's great, especially when you're showing flats like this.

-At the point that we do take the house...

-Mm-hmm, the flat, mm-hmm.

..do you think that, um, at any point we'd be able to have

some kind of, like, moving in, kind of ceremony?

Do you mean like cutting the ribbon at the door?

No, I mean like a ceremony, a kind of blessing of the flat.

Yes, I'm sure that would be... that would be fine.

-Here's another problem.

-What?

-Look, problem. Hey, look, flag it up.

-Oh.

Um, excuse me, I've found another problem.

What's that?

Can you see the problem here? He's, um, too short.

No, I'm not too short, it, it's too high.

For you. It's fine for us, look.

Yeah, well, you won't be living here will you? It'll have to be changed.

Yeah, sure, sure.

-Sorry, would you mind if I just use the toilet?

-Yep.

Thank you.

Well, go on.

-Got a nice little communal garden here.

-Yeah, this is really nice.

It's quite private, nobody comes out here, all busy working.

I tell you what. You know, um, if we get, um, this place sorted properly?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Er, we could get some tracks down and, er,

we could have a little sports day event for him

and his friends, for Warwick and his friends.

-Yeah, that's a great...

-Do some relay races.

Yeah. Yeah.

-Um, anything. We could do hopscotch.

-Yeah.

You don't get any sort of, like, things in here that are going to eat him or anything?

No, no, no.

-No.

-It's fine, it's very, very safe.

-But I mean, are you sure?

-You've got the exit over there.

-It's my job to make sure it's safe.

Cheryl!

What?

Oh! Ow! Fucking, pissing sock now.

Get here and help me down!

Jeez, I've been trapped in 'ere ages. Fucking... Oh!

Oh, I've been trying to get your attention. Get out! Don't look!

You getting all this? Don't shut the door!

Oh!

I'm doing this round table meeting at Sue's request.

She's started divorce proceedings.

I can't afford a lawyer, so I'm being represented by my accountant.

HE SNIGGERS

-Warwick?

-Mm-hmm.

-Ian Walt. Nice to meet you.

-Hello.

I'm Sue's solicitor, Ian Walt. And you are?

He's MY solicitor.

HE LAUGHS.

Not really, he can't afford a solicitor. I'm his accountant!

I have to advise you,

you really should retain a proper qualified solicitor.

-He studied law as well.

-Yep, one term at the University of Bolton.

Haven't heard of that school. Did it used to be a polytechnic?

No, I think it used to be a launderette!

No, seriously, it was a shit-hole, but I wasn't cut out for law, anyway.

Too hard!

You know what I'd like to do? You know those big rigs you get in America?

I'd like to get behind a wheel of one of them and just drive across country,

and sort of imagine myself driving along, and seeing an old shack,

and driving straight through it, and wood and chickens

flying everywhere and people shouting, "Hey look at that guy!"

Sorry, sorry. Can you just put your dreams on hold for now and focus on this?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Um, so what's the usual split? About half and half?

Well, that's what we're here to negotiate.

Yeah, gotcha, yeah. Erm, so...

'I'm not seeing this as a final chapter.

'I'm seeing this as a chance to listen to her complaints,

'make amends and start again.'

Depending on what the complaints are. If it's leaving the toilet seat up, fine, won't do it again.

If it's, "Must try harder in the bedroom," forget it. I couldn't.

I've been working me bloody socks off, love. I'll have a coronary.

Any more effort on my part and you'll open your eyes to a dead dwarf slumped on you.

There's loads of jobs I'd like to do before accountancy.

River police.

How do you get into being river police? I'd love to do that.

"Oh, what's that? Dead body."

Get it out, it's a tramp. "Has he been murdered?

"Looks like it. He's been raped."

We don't know.

-So Sue says you're a famous actor.

-Well, you tell me.

I've not heard of you. Are you famous?

-Yes.

-Sue says you've been in some films?

-Some films?

Have you heard of Star Wars and Return Of The Jedi?

-Yes.

-Yeah. The Harry Potter films, you heard of those?

-Yes.

-And, er, have you heard of a film called Willow?

-No.

-No?

-No, I've never heard of Willow. Were you in that?

I was the star of that, yes.

-No, I've never heard of Willow.

-Right.

-Not many people have. It was not a success.

-It was a success!

-Not really.

-Return Of The Jedi was a success. I was in that.

-What were you in that?

-I was an Ewok.

-So your face was covered up?

-Yes, it was...

-I don't remember seeing you in Harry Potter, either.

Yeah, I was Professor Flitwick.

-You couldn't really see his face.

-If you'd seen Willow, my face was in that.

As I said, I've not seen Willow, or heard of it.

-No.

-And as I said, no-one has, so don't feel too bad.

Have you heard of a little show called The Office?

-Were you in that?

-No, but I was in Extras, made by the same blokes.

Oh, I didn't see it.

-Didn't you?

-Oh, I didn't like it.

It was just a sitcom where famous people popped up as themselves.

I must be pretty famous or they wouldn't have had me in it.

Yeah, it wasn't clear if you were supposed to be famous. Did they mention your name?

You were a prop, basically you were a prop.

Sorry, why are we discussing my CV?

Can we just get back to this?

We are still trying to lobby the Government to fund

our community outreach programme, and some people have asked me how you can get involved.

Well, we do need some volunteers to leaflet outside Parliament this Saturday.

Oh, yeah, that reminds me, actually.

Never mind doing something for no money, that won't change anything.

I'm looking for a couple of volunteers, cos my lot

have got a bit militant lately and, er, I've got a gig this Saturday, Students' Union,

£150 cash-in-hand.

Yeah.

All it is, is you're a human bowling ball, basically.

You're in your pants, you're greased up, slung along the floor by some pissed-up students.

-Easy money.

-Warwick, sorry.

I don't think this is the right place to recruit for that.

It's perfect, there's loads of dwarves here.

What I mean is you're the Vice-Chairman.

You're a spokesperson for little people, yet when we're trying to get things like dwarf-tossing banned

from rugby clubs and university rag weeks,

you're the one hiring out those dwarves to be thrown.

I want people to see a little person, wonder if he's a doctor or a lawyer,

not wonder which cannon he's going to be fired from today.

'The trouble with Anthony Braden is he's giving little people false hopes.'

I've seen him say to young dwarves in there, "Oh, you can be an astronaut or a doctor."

No, they can't, they're too small. Not going to be a doctor.

Can be a proctologist, maybe.

Then he'll be on his high horse again, "No, why can they only be proctologists?"

Cos the only thing they can reach is the arse. And I'll have all these disillusioned dwarves

crawling back to me, "Oh, don't want to spend me days doing that, I want to be in the movies."

Well, no, you're too late, you had your chance, now get back to those arses.

Warwick, it worries me that maybe you're not

the best spokesperson for our community and for our needs.

Maybe you're not the right person.

Maybe there's a grass roots uprising that says the old guy's lost it,

let's have some new blood.

-Maybe I should be the Chairman.

-Everyone's entitled to run for this position.

Let's do it, then.

I hereby declare myself running for office

and I second that.

You can't second yourself.

No?

All right, then, who seconds me? Come on.

See?

They don't know what time of day it is.

I'll second you, Warwick.

-Really?

-Yes, and we'll let democracy decide

with a vote next week.

Well, will they decide, though? I mean, will they remember?

Are they even awake?

Sorry to bother you. Can I get a picture?

Yeah, sure, anything for a fan.

-Fan?

-Yeah.

-Fan of what?

Fan of me.

Why? Who are you?

Warwick Davis, obviously, famous actor.

Well, if you don't know who I am, why do you want a picture?

It's funny, isn't it? A dwarf carrying a box. You don't see that round here.

-Actually, do you mind if I film you?

-Why?

-Cos that's even funnier!

-No, it's not funny.

Oh, yeah, it does look funny, actually. Sorry, um, we're filming.

-We're not filming.

-Yeah we are, it's running. Are you moving in round here?

-I'm having second thoughts.

-We'll be neighbours.

-Excellent. Still filming, are you?

-Yeah.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, that is so going on YouTube!

-Definitely!

-Not definitely, no.

Hello again. Sorry, what's your name again?

Ian Walt.

Oh, Ian. Nice to have you here in my house.

-You don't live here any more.

-It's still my house, though.

So you enjoying it, then? Enjoying the house? Enjoying my house?

-It's lovely.

-Good.

What did you want?

I just popped round to, er, to get, um...

my baseball cap.

Gift from Mr Ron Howard.

Who's Ron Howard?

-The director of Willow.

-Oh, I've not seen it.

-Yeah, you said. I'll get you the DVD.

Sorry, are you wearing slippers?

Yes.

Is it normal to be round a client's house doing paperwork wearing slippers?

Everyone's different.

What lawyer wears slippers? I've just never seen that before.

On LA Law they didn't wear slippers. Perry Mason never had slippers on.

Even in Ironside he never had slippers, and he was in a wheelchair.

He didn't even need shoes and he still wore shoes.

You should probably get going, then.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm going. Um, you leaving, too, Ian?

No.

Just "no"? No more information? Just leaving soon or...?

What difference does it make if he's going now or later?

Because we're both drivers, so, you know, let's drive.

Shall I, shall I just wait outside for you?

No need.

Shall we...?

Not forget this.

-Really haven't got long, I'm afraid, Warwick.

-No.

We've got a Skype call coming through and it's...

-Great.

-Well, what can we do for you?

Advice, really.

Right.

I'm a bit worried about my wife and her lawyer.

I think there might be something going on.

What, the lawyer who's representing your wife while she sues you for divorce?

-Yeah, that's the one.

-See my point? I don't know why you care any more.

-OK.

Slippers.

In what way?

-PHONE CALL FROM COMPUTER

-Oh!

-Hi, Steve.

-Hello.

-How's it going man?

-(Steve Carell.)

-Thanks for doing this.

You obviously got my email about the guest appearances.

I'm not just saying this

because I've got a financial stake in the show.

I really think it'd be good for your career to do the occasional guest appearance in The Office.

Obviously you can still do your films as well.

Of course. But, you know, if you did agree to even infrequent guest spots,

the network said they would guarantee two more seasons,

-um, which is obviously incredibly lucrative, er...

-For everyone.

Yeah, yeah. Um, you know what, let me think about it.

I will definitely consider it.

-Cheers, man.

-Great.

-Brilliant.

We're in LA Thursday, if you want to do dinner and have a chat.

Oh, yeah, that sounds great. I'd love to.

-Brilliant. See you then.

-See you.

-OK, good, see you later.

-Bye.

-Bye.

I must say, makes me laugh a bit that he's a household name

because of the show, and now I've got to beg him to do the odd guest spot.

He should be begging me. Luckiest fucking actor in the world.

Yeah.

You still there, Steve?

Yeah.

Sorry, man. I, I thought I'd... I thought I'd hung up.

No.

No, you didn't.

I just turned the screen off, I thought I'd hung up.

I'm really, um...

Do you still want to do dinner?

Mm, no.

Be awkward, wouldn't it?

Yeah, it would be.

-Will you think about the guest appearances?

-Er, no.

-Dead in the water, that one.

-It is, definitely dead. There's no way that's going to happen.

-OK, cheers.

-Bye, then.

-Bye.

-Bye-bye, now.

Why was he listening?

I'll tell you why he was listening - cos he's an actor,

and like all actors he's a little, paranoid,

insecure, little fucker.

Are you still listening, Steve?

I am, I am still listening to you talking.

OK. You shouldn't be listening, not if we're not friends any more, mate.

-OK.

-Steve, before you go, I'm a big fan.

Hey, that's really nice, thanks.

You could always hang up this time, to make absolutely sure.

-That's true.

-OK. Bye.

-He's gone.

-Is it off?

-Yeah, definitely. I was pressing the wrong thing.

-Love Steve Carell.

-Do you?

-He's terrific. Yeah. Everyone loves him.

-Not really, no.

-Most do.

Idiotic thing to say. With six billion people on the planet,

how are they all going to love one person?

A lot of them do. Look at the American Office.

What is it, ten million viewers it gets?

-Ten million...

-Watching him.

-..tune in and see my name on the credits.

-They watch it for him, though.

-Not really.

It wouldn't exist without me, and HE wouldn't exist without IT.

Ipso facto, I don't know what you're talking about.

Well, he's got likeability, though.

He's a popular chap. You're more of an acquired taste.

Not everyone's into everything you do.

My accountant, right, absolutely hated Extras.

Just thought it was a sitcom where famous people pop up as themselves.

I'm just saying not everyone's into everything you do.

Sorry, I've forgotten why you're here, again.

Maybe it's the fact that I've just lost 20 million on the new syndication deal.

But go on, remind me.

I was talking about my wife and her lawyer. How can I be sure there's nothing going on?

You can't. You're getting a divorce. Move on.

I mean, what are you going to do, camp outside the house,

spying on them like Inch High Private Eye?

Yeah, you know, you're right. I'm being silly.

All right?

Cosy.

Slippers.

Warwick.

-What?

-What are you doing here?

Just want to get some of my belongings.

Like what?

Like my...

Oh, yeah, my award there, from Guts.com.

One of the internet's most respected horror movie websites.

What did you win?

Best Actor, and Best Supporting Actor in an independently funded British horror movie.

Is it possible to win Best Actor AND Best Supporting Actor?

Yeah. Yeah if you play both Midge, the loveable children's clown,

AND his lycanthropic Siamese twin.

What, you don't know what that means, do you?

Lycanthropy, yes, it means he changes into a wolf. You played both parts?

Yeah, it's easy.

When they were both normal, I played both characters using a split-screen effect.

When one of them changes into a wolf they just strapped me to a dog.

What was the film called?

-Weredwarf.

-Haven't seen it.

-What HAVE you seen?

Sorry, just, sorry. Do you really need this award right now?

Yes, I do.

-Would you like me to get it down for you?

-No.

-I can get it.

-No. It's, it's fine, I can manage.

You all right?

Mm hm.

Cool.

Oh! Ah! Oh, oh!

Agh!

Warwick, for goodness sake, just let me get it down for you.

It'd have been fine if it'd been on that shelf. I don't know why it's that high up, it's ridiculous.

Would you want me to put it on that shelf?

Were you going to put it on that shelf, anyway?

Yes, I was going to put it on that shelf later.

Well, if you're going to put it there anyway, then put it there now, of course.

Oh, for goodness sake! I can't reach it.

Can I ask Ian to get it for me?

Well, if he just hands it to you, yes.

Can you just hand this to me, please, Ian?

Sure.

-There you go.

-Thank you.

Right. Put it where you want to put it.

Right. I'm putting it there.

Oh, good. It's on that shelf now, that's where it is.

Go, carry on with your tea.

Right, good.

Um, what did I come for?

Um, oh, yeah. There it is, I'll just take that. Good.

See you.

If you re-elect me, one of my main priorities will be to make the SPSS

a practical resource for training,

for support, for information.

And now I urge you to use your votes wisely. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

OK, good. Well, you've heard his speech. No comment on that.

Um, you know I can get you anything you want,

but let me show you what I can do, right?

Who remembers Right Said Fred? Yeah? Had a number one.

"I'm too sexy for that, I'm too sexy for this"?

Car, cat, whatever. Do you remember? Definitely remember.

Well, please welcome live, here tonight, it's Right Said Fred!

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Come on.

There they are. Hello, lads.

-Great!

-Hiya.

Here they are. Welcome, you're welcome.

-Good to see you.

-How's it going? Busy?

-Yeah, pretty busy, yeah.

-Good, good. We're friends, aren't we?

-Yeah, we've got mutual friends, for sure.

-Yes, we do. Yes, we do.

Wow! Any questions about this?

Right Said Fred, yeah?

No?

Good.

Interesting fact, actually, about Right Said Fred.

That one's Richard,

he does all the singing. The other one's Fred.

Were you worried people might get confused at all?

No, it's never been an issue for us, no.

So what's, what's going on tonight? You gigging?

No, we just, we just thought we'd go home, to be honest.

Night off for Right Said Fred.

Are they going to sing?

-Are you?

-No, you just said, "Pop in, mate." That's what you said.

Great, yeah.

Yeah, see, that's what you get from me, just pop ins from famous people.

So who knows who's going to show up next week if you vote for me?

Mariah Carey?

Don't be absurd. So I'm Too Sexy was number one in America?

Yeah. We were the first British band since The Beatles to get to number one with a debut single.

-What?!

-Yeah.

Since The Beatles? Wow! Come on, check...

Let's vote now, come on. Votes for Warwick Davis, let's...

Yes, one.

Any more? Two there.

Come on, does this count for nothing?

The Beatles!

-I think there's a lot of abstentions.

-We don't know that yet.

And votes for me now, please.

OK. Seems pretty conclusive. Shall we call it a night?

-Can I have your autograph?

-Yeah, sure.

Definitely not. You voted for him. Get his autograph.

I'm sorry, mate. We'll just shove off, then.

Yeah, whatever.

Where do you stand on condoms?

We don't approve.

Not a problem for me at the minute. I'm not getting any.

-Will these johnnies fit a dwarf?

-Why?

I've got one here.

-Do you know a John?

-No.

You don't know a John?

-Want to go out with me sometime?

-No.

Is it Jack? Is it Joseph?

-Do you want to take the card, in case you need a new accountant?

-No.

Right. Stuart says you're worried about something.

I'm desperate, lads. Are you not doing any more Extras?

-We've said we're not.

-The Office, then?

-Definitely not.

-The American Office?

-Listen, man.

-Can you write me a film?

-What film?

-I don't know, you have the idea.

Can we have the idea a bit later? We're snowed under, mate.

We've got a thousand things to do, and...

-Yeah, all right.

-You know what I mean?

-Yeah, I understand, right.

Fuck off, Les.

Bye.