Episode 5 Life's Too Short


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Episode 5

Warwick seeks spiritual guidance, and following a visit to the dating agency where he met his wife, he embarks on a quest to find a new partner.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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My name is Warwick Davis. I'm an actor...

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-Yeah, evil toilet dwarf.

-'..soon to be divorced.'

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-You don't live here any more.

-Still my house. 'I'm an entrepreneur.'

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Give me five grand, just to live on. 'And I've got a massive tax bill.'

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You should do any shit job that comes along, or you will go to jail.

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I am on my way to see a man who's very important to me.

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His name is Bryan, and he's my spiritual counsellor, and life coach.

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And he phoned me and he said, "Warwick, with everything that's going on at the minute,

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"have you been neglecting your spiritual life?" And I said, "Yes, I have."

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And he said, "I knew that."

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And he was totally right, as always.

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-Oh, hello. Well, well, well, long time no see!

-Yeah.

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Brenda, two teas, please.

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Hey, come on. Oi, you two.

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Hey, Ying and Yang.

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'Bryan is my...

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'what he calls psychic housekeeper.'

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Sometimes I stand here and I feel like I'm one of the plants, and they're looking after me.

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Do you know what I mean by that?

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'He deals with all the sort of spiritual clutter' that accumulates inside me.

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West, east.

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'I told him about the divorce...'

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East - Chinese food, healthy food, tai chi, oxen.

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'..and straight away he said I needed to go and see him...'

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West. You know...McDonald's.

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'..because he needs to feng shui my soul.

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'And you can't argue with that.'

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I love the conservatory, it's great. Hang on, hang on, who's that? Hello?

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I think there's some...

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Somebody's talking. Yeah, what do you want?

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Oh, they've come to say hello, Warwick. Hello.

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Hello? Yeah?

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Do you know a John?

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John?

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-No.

-No? You don't know a John? You don't know any Johns?

-No.

-OK, right, well, that's...

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Everyone knows a John. Do you know a Jonathan? Jonathan?

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-No.

-You don't know any Johns at all? That's mad. That's never happened before. Right. Any Js?

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Any... Anyone beginning with J? Anyone whose name starts with J? Jack?

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-Jack?

-It's a Jack. Is it Jack?

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Is it Joseph? Joseph? Do you know a Joseph? Do you know anyone whose name starts with J at all?

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No? That's ridiculous. OK. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

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Yeah. Oh, yeah. Ah! Dave.

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Someone called Dave. You know a Dave? You know David?

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-Dave?

-You don't know anyone called David?

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-I've heard of famous people called David.

-Yeah, well, say yes, then. Say yes.

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-Name a famous David.

-David Bowie.

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David Bowie? Well, it's not him, is it? Cos he's not dead.

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Name any other David. Another David. No, another name. Simon.

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Simon. Simon. WARWICK MOUTHS

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Stuart.

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Yeah...um...there was...

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er...a bloke who lived on the same street as my mum and dad. He died. His name was Stuart.

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Right. How old was he again?

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-About 60.

-60. Yeah, that's him.

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Bang on. 60-year-old Stuart. He's looking down on you and he's saying, "Hello Warwick. Well done.

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"You're doing really well, you're doing great."

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-What was Stuart's surname?

-Doesn't matter.

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-Can you ask him?

-I'm not going to go round asking people their surname.

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-Why not?

-Because it's rude. Can you not just accept who he is? It's definitely him.

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In fact, actually, hang on. What?

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Yeah, he's confirming it, so it's definitely him.

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'Bryan's got the gift. I mean, you saw in that reading

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'how the first name he got'

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was an old guy I knew called Stuart. Now, I don't remember him very well

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so he couldn't have been making it up.

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-Right, Stuart says you're worried about something. Is that true?

-Yeah.

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-What are you worried about?

-Does Stuart not know?

-Oh, for...! Warwick, can you not...?

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Sorry, Stuart. No, I'm asking him, Stuart, but Warwick's being a little...

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-Can you just say what you're worried about? What is it?

-I'm worried about my tax bill.

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Yes, exactly. That's what Stuart thought.

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Stuart's saying, "Don't worry about it."

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-Will I pay off my tax bills?

-Yeah, course you will.

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It's a lot of money.

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BRYAN CHUCKLES He knows that,

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and he's having a laugh, and he's saying, "You can't take it with you."

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What, I can't take the money or the debt with me?

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Oh! He's saying, "Don't worry about it, Warwick."

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OK, what part of, "Don't worry about it," do you not understand?

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OK, can I just ask one more thing? Should I declare myself bankrupt?

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Right, he's saying, "Who am I? Your fucking accountant?"

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OK.

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£60, please.

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I'm wondering whether I should explore a more formal religion.

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I hear a lot of people talk about having a relationship with God.

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'Warwick can choose any god he likes, and when he's chosen a god,'

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I'll look after him while he's alive and the god'll take over when he's dead. It's teamwork.

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I have worked with loads of gods in the past. You know, all the main ones, smaller ones.

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I've worked with gods I've never even bloody heard of.

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Good luck to him!

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I will not work with the devil, OK?

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That's the line I draw. The furthest I go is a white witch.

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Very happy to work with a white witch.

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And that's not a racial term, OK? By white witch, I mean good witch.

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I don't mean white, good, black bad, cos I love black men...

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People! I love black people.

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-Goodbye, Warwick.

-Goodbye.

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Oh, Warwick, can I tell you this?

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I see you being very happy very soon.

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-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Someone new is going to come into your life.

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Your wife's gone, she's out the picture. So you've got to get back on the saddle.

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You deserve to be one... Oi, sailor boy, come on!

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You deserv... Yes, in, don't cheek.

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You deserve to be one half of a whole,

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and right now you're just a little half.

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You will meet someone.

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Oi, I'm talking!

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You will meet someone if you go out and try to meet people.

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Do you see? Yeah?

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Interesting, very interesting, very astute.

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You know what Bryan's saying is, I have to be pro-active, like I am in business.

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In business, I'm out there hustling.

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So why am I just sitting back thinking my next lover's going to walk through the door?

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I've got to get out there.

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You have to be in it to win it.

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-MURMURED CONVERSATION

-She's nice.

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-Yeah, mine's not bad either.

-Right, now play it cool, right?

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I want you to go over there. I want you to say, "Can we join me for a drink?

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"I should warn you, watch out for my friend Warwick, cos he's a bad boy."

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-Why would I say that?

-Because women love bastards.

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You don't want to seem all sweet and nice - that gets you nowhere. Tell 'em someone bad, dangerous.

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Is it OK if I just...sit down?

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-Yeah, sure.

-Cheers. Yeah, I'm Eric. That's...um...

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That's my friend Warwick over there.

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I should warn you, though, he's bad.

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-He's what?

-He's bad, and dangerous.

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What's so bad and dangerous about him?

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He's a rapist.

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No! No, I'm a racist.

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You're a racist?

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I am a racist, yeah. In the sense that,

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if anything, I prefer you, the darker lady, which, which is unfair on you.

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So, in a sense, I'm racist cos...I'd do you,

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and not you. I mean, if it came to it, I'd probably do the both of you but...um...but...

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You go first.

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-Let's go.

-Yeah?

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RELIGIOUS SINGING IN LATIN

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The reason I'm here is I'm currently exploring

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sort of different avenues of spirituality.

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I have a few questions if that's OK.

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Fine.

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Before we start, I want to get this out the way straight away.

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It's a bit awkward, to be honest, but I do need to ask.

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Are you a paedophile?

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No, I'm not.

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Great. Phew!

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Lot of it about - you see why I had to ask that one. So...

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Catholicism. As I understand it, you can just do whatever you want,

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turn up on a Sunday, say you're sorry and you go, "Well, forget it." Something like that?

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-You're talking about confession?

-Yes, yes.

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This is not a licence to break the Ten Commandments.

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Yeah, I've been reading up on those.

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The first five are all about Him,

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that's God, and then it kicks in with what you shouldn't do.

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I think there's murder, covet thy neighbour's wife.

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I mean, I wouldn't covet my neighbour's wife, you should see her!

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I wouldn't touch her with yours.

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Interestingly, though, kiddie fiddling - it's not mentioned in the Ten Commandments.

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If I was making a list... number one for me, right up there.

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"Thou shalt not touch kids."

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Not even mentioned.

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Oooh. Lucky for you lot, eh?

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No, I'm joking. You said you're not and I believe you for now.

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I like a lot of what you're saying.

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If I may take the old rule book, have a flick through that,

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and see if I like the sound of it.

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Oh, one final question, and this is a deal-breaker...

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Do you approve of masturbation?

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No.

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I'm out.

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HE WHISTLES

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Excuse me, sir, are you going to buy that mop?

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-No, I'm using it to help me shop.

-You can't go round using a mop unless you're going to buy it.

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-Why not?

-It's been used now, we can't put that back on sale.

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-I haven't used it as a mop.

-Put it back and get someone to hand stuff down to you.

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I'm not going to have someone hand stuff to me!

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I'm an independent person, trying to shop independently.

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-Then you'll have to pay for that mop.

-I'm not going to pay for it.

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-Then you're not going to use it any more.

-So what am I supposed to do? Buy a mop every time I go shopping?

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No. Buy one mop, carry it with you.

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I've got to carry a mop everywhere I go on the off chance I might run out of Frosties?

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-It's store policy.

-Well, it's ridiculous.

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-Oh!

-Sorry, that was ridiculous.

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-What, you saw that?

-It was totally rude.

-I know.

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You should complain. I can be a witness or something.

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-Really?

-Yeah, yeah. He was just being a jobsworth.

-I know. I...

-Idiot.

-Thank you.

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-Um...sorry, could I just say...? I am a big fan.

-Oh!

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-..of yours. I really love Willow.

-Thank you. Nice to meet you. Warwick.

-Caroline.

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-Hello.

-Cool. Um... Oh, could you just pass me the tea bags actually?

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-Oh!

-I was just trying to get those when you came along.

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'You do not expect that, do you, in a supermarket?

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'You pop out for a few essentials, you meet a lovely woman, who's single,'

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who also happens to be a fan.

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-Right, eight...

-172.

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'You get talking. Before you know it, you've swapped bloody phone numbers'

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and I'm meeting her for a drink on Friday.

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Bryan said I'd meet someone.

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Well, there you go.

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-Are these condoms all right for you?

-Yeah.

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-You sure they'll fit? Cos it's one size fits all.

-Yeah, don't worry about it.

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-Well, we've got to be careful cos you could sue us. Barbara, will these Johnnies fit a dwarf?

-Why?

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I've got one here.

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-Depends on how big he is.

-GIGGLING

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Yeah, big enough, thank you.

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No, they're not for you. I mean, they could be, but what I mean is they're for anyone so...

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Not anyone! Obviously, you know you'd be my first choice,

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but I would never presume, obviously, that that was going to occur.

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You've got to be careful. It's better to be safe, cos there's all sorts of diseases, aren't there?

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Not that I've got unclean... But I don't know about...

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But no! That's what I'm saying.

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You know, we all get stressed about it and I'm...

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Nobody should stress about this. Just let's have fun. You know what I mean?

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So is it...is it on for Friday?

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No? Right. Good. I'll delete your phone number?

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Yeah.

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Thanks for that! I don't need them now.

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-I've already put them through.

-Oh, brilliant. OK, just... Thanks for all your help.

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'She caught me buying condoms. She's upset. Why is she upset?'

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I was being responsible. If we're getting intimate, and I say, "I've got a sheaf here,"

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she'll be like, "Yeah, what a responsible chap, let's get down to it."

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But because it's out in the open now, upfront, it's suddenly embarrassing,

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because a condom is for one thing and one thing only

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and everyone knows what I'm going to do with that.

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I've bought some carrots here.

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That could be to shove up my arse but because no-one knows that, it's not embarrassing.

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The carrot is not for shoving up my arse, let me make that totally clear.

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Yeah. Wow.

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-So this is Toby.

-Hello.

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-Who actually fixed me up with my first wife, my only wife.

-Only wife.

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-Sue. I was busy at the time.

-Yeah.

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Didn't have time to trawl round for a wife so I came here.

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Yeah, I was so proud of finding Warwick a wife, cos, I mean, when he first came in I was like,

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-"Right, here's a challenge, Toby."

-All right.

-Yeah.

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But it was about six months or so... Sue popped up, didn't she?

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-Yeah.

-She was desperate as well. And the rest is history.

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-Yes. Well, now I'm back again.

-He's back.

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-For an upgrade!

-OK. Well, I popped your details back into the system

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-and hit search, and there we go, straight away, the perfect match.

-That's Sue.

-Do you know her?

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That's my ex-wife, Sue.

0:14:230:14:24

Oh, it is Sue, isn't it? Gosh!

0:14:240:14:26

-Sorry. At least it shows the system works.

-Not really, because we've split up.

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That's the one person who's proven not to be my perfect match.

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Of all the women in the world, that's the one I shouldn't have been paired with.

0:14:330:14:37

To be honest, it's a very, very old computer.

0:14:370:14:40

-Why did it say "perfect match"?

-Shortest person on the books.

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Well, find the second shortest person on the books.

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-I did. I did show the picture and everything. She does not want to go out with you. Oh, no!

-Why?

0:14:450:14:51

-Too short, Warwick. Way too short.

-Right.

0:14:510:14:55

-OK.

-Let's have a look at some other options. Er...

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-Oh, no way, no way! Um...

-Keep going, keep going. No...

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-She's been on the system for years.

-Hang on, go back.

0:15:030:15:06

-Well, she's all right. Yeah, you know, she's...

-Well...

0:15:060:15:09

-She's a stunner, isn't she?

-Well, exactly, so...

-What?

0:15:090:15:13

Just I've sent her a lot of duffers recently and...

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I just don't want her losing faith in the system,

0:15:170:15:19

-because you could be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

-What?

0:15:190:15:23

If I send you round, she's going to get straight on the phone to me,

0:15:230:15:26

-"Why are you palming me off with some midget?"

-Don't say "midget", it's offensive.

0:15:260:15:30

-Exactly! That's not me saying that, it's her.

-Yeah.

0:15:300:15:33

If she's using language like that, you shouldn't be with her. I'm hanging up, mate.

0:15:330:15:37

-Is there no-one else?

-Not really.

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Um... Oh, she just came in.

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-Ah! Oh, yes, OK, brilliant.

-She's all right, yeah.

0:15:430:15:47

Not bad, eh? Yeah, she's perfect. She's called Amy.

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Amy likes... Oh, she works for the council. Not bad.

0:15:500:15:53

-Likes the theatre, eating out with friends, stuff like that.

-As do I.

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-Yeah?

-Yeah, fix me up.

-All right, let's get her back on.

-Great.

0:15:570:16:01

Amy!

0:16:010:16:04

GENERAL CHATTER

0:16:060:16:10

-Warwick?

-Yeah?

-Hi, I'm Amy.

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Hello.

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Will you excuse me for a minute?

0:16:380:16:42

Come in. She's a dwarf! She kept that quiet, didn't she?

0:16:420:16:45

Now look at that. See that? There's no clue in that picture, is there? Just a head.

0:16:450:16:49

It should be a full body shot, with her stood next to a matchbox or something.

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You know, like when they show how big a moth is. But, no, no clue there.

0:16:530:16:57

Where's the arms?

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Sneaky.

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Sorry about that.

0:17:040:17:07

All right?

0:17:080:17:10

Yeah.

0:17:100:17:12

Just...

0:17:120:17:14

Did you know I was a little person, from my picture?

0:17:140:17:17

-Yes.

-You did? Yeah, because you could see my head and full body, yes.

0:17:170:17:21

It's all about proportions, isn't it? The old head-to-leg ratio.

0:17:210:17:25

There were no arms and legs in your picture, so nothing to go by.

0:17:250:17:28

What do you mean?

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Well, there was no mention you were a little person.

0:17:300:17:33

Is that a problem?

0:17:330:17:35

No. Not a problem for me.

0:17:350:17:38

It's just...just seemed strange of you to hide the fact.

0:17:380:17:43

-I didn't hide it.

-No.

0:17:430:17:45

I just don't want everyone going, "Ooh, she's a sneaky little one.

0:17:450:17:49

"Whenever she can, she hides the fact she's a dwarf."

0:17:490:17:51

-I wasn't hiding it.

-No.

0:17:510:17:53

Just a bit of a surprise, that's all.

0:17:530:17:56

No more surprises in store, hmm?

0:18:000:18:03

-You weren't born a man?

-No.

0:18:030:18:07

Don't want to get you back to my place and suddenly in the throes of passion, a bit of touchy-feely,

0:18:070:18:12

"What's going on down here, love? Either you were born a man or you've been shoplifting offal."

0:18:120:18:16

-I don't think you should assume we're going back to your place.

-No, sorry.

0:18:160:18:21

Although now you've been so adamant that we're not going home together,

0:18:260:18:29

it makes me think maybe there are testicles down there.

0:18:290:18:32

-I haven't got testicles!

-No. Right. And I have a witness to that, right?

0:18:320:18:36

So if I do get off with you, and you do turn out to be a man,

0:18:360:18:39

no-one can go, "I bet Warwick knew it was a man."

0:18:390:18:42

I did not know it was a man, right? Ad I'm not expecting testicles down there.

0:18:420:18:46

-SHE LAUGHS

-What?

0:18:460:18:48

I can't believe you've just said that!

0:18:480:18:50

Neither can I. I'm so nervous, I'm all over the place.

0:18:500:18:53

We haven't even ordered yet and we're already talking about my testicles.

0:18:530:18:57

I... I don't know what to say. I haven't done this for years. I'm...

0:18:570:19:01

-I normally expect at least a starter before I'm accused of being a man.

-Yeah.

0:19:010:19:05

-I bet this is the worst date you've ever been on.

-No!

0:19:050:19:07

The worst date I've ever been on was a blind date,

0:19:070:19:10

when I answered the door and the guy said, "Euch, it's a dwarf," and I said, "Yes, it is."

0:19:100:19:15

He panicked, saying stuff like, "What can you eat? What time do you have to be in bed?"

0:19:150:19:19

The final straw came when he looked down at me and said, "Is this legal?"

0:19:190:19:23

And I said, "I don't know what this is, but let's call it a night."

0:19:230:19:27

Got lovely eyes.

0:19:270:19:29

Oh, thanks.

0:19:290:19:31

MURMURED CONVERSATION

0:19:360:19:39

'I had a good time, had a really good time.

0:19:390:19:43

'She's lovely, she's great.

0:19:430:19:45

'Started off a bit weird. Er...

0:19:450:19:49

'But, you know, the end of the night was really lovely and he's really funny.

0:19:490:19:54

'I've been out of the game a while, but I think after a shaky start,

0:19:540:19:58

'I'll weave my magic, you know.

0:19:580:19:59

'He's really cool.'

0:19:590:20:01

Well, OK, not cool,

0:20:010:20:03

but...um...you know, I like him.

0:20:030:20:06

'I suppose if you've got it, you've got it. It's a bit like riding a bike.'

0:20:060:20:10

Not that Amy's a bike! Not that I can ride a bike - I can't get anywhere near the pedals.

0:20:100:20:16

-But now you know me, anybody I know is one degree.

-One degree from me.

0:20:160:20:20

I'd like to sees him again, I'd like to hang out more.

0:20:200:20:24

MURMURED CONVERSATION

0:20:240:20:27

'My initial annoyance when I first saw her was not that I didn't fancy her, but, you know,'

0:20:360:20:41

I don't want people going, "Of course he's going out with a dwarf."

0:20:410:20:44

No, not, "of course". Yes, in this instance, I'm going out with a little person,

0:20:440:20:48

but that could just as easily have been a six-foot stunner.

0:20:480:20:51

You don't know. You know, what I resent is people seeing us

0:20:510:20:54

walking down the street, hand in hand, and going, "Oh, look, that's all he could get."

0:20:540:20:59

It's not all I could get, but it's what I'm happy with at the moment.

0:20:590:21:04

Scientology. Thanks for seeing me by the way.

0:21:120:21:16

-If I was to join your cult, would I get...?

-We are not a cult.

0:21:160:21:19

-We are a church.

-Same thing. If I was to join, would I get to meet Tom Cruise or John Travolta?

0:21:190:21:24

-It's not something we arrange.

-You've got a load of American stars. You haven't got many British ones.

0:21:240:21:29

I know you were sniffing round the Beckhams, but you don't want him as a spokesman.

0:21:290:21:33

That squeaky little voice. And Posh Spice, she's no advert for a cult.

0:21:330:21:38

You'd have trouble brainwashing either of them, cos you need a brain to be brainwashed!

0:21:380:21:42

-We are not a cult, and we don't brainwash people.

-"We are not a cult and we don't brainwash people."

0:21:420:21:47

Do you have any more questions?

0:21:470:21:50

Yeah. This L Ron Hubbard fella, he was the founder, wasn't he?

0:21:500:21:53

-That's right.

-What does the L stand for?

0:21:530:21:55

-Lafayette.

-You do definitely need the L, because just Ron Hubbard...

0:21:550:22:00

I mean, who'd follow a chap called Ron Hubbard?

0:22:000:22:02

Unless he was the captain of your pub darts team, then maybe. But, yeah, stick an L in front...

0:22:020:22:07

L Ron Hubbard. "Ooh, what's the L stand for?

0:22:070:22:10

-"Len? Larry?"

-Do you have any more questions?

0:22:100:22:12

"Lionel?"

0:22:120:22:14

'I've looked into a few different religions.'

0:22:140:22:16

Do you own this or is it rented?

0:22:160:22:19

I think I'm going to stay what I was born, which is sort of a vague bog standard C of E.

0:22:190:22:24

Cos you don't have to give anything up, you can drink, smoke, fornicate,

0:22:240:22:28

do whatever you want, and all you have to do is say,

0:22:280:22:31

"Yeah, I believe in God," and you get into heaven.

0:22:310:22:34

Suits me!

0:22:340:22:37

Here we go. Off on another date with Amy tonight,

0:22:460:22:49

which is great. She's a lovely girl.

0:22:490:22:52

So, yeah, I'm very excited.

0:22:520:22:54

It's funny how things work out, isn't it?

0:22:540:22:56

Cos that first date started off badly but here we are, round two, so...

0:22:560:23:02

You know, very exciting.

0:23:020:23:06

-Good evening, sir.

-Evening.

-She's over there.

0:23:090:23:12

Thanks.

0:23:140:23:16

Sorry, what makes you think I'm meeting that particular lady?

0:23:210:23:25

-Sorry, sir, I just assumed that because she's a...

-A dwarf.

0:23:250:23:29

-A smaller lady...

-Why would you assume I was meeting her?

0:23:290:23:32

-We only have two women waiting for dining companions, sir.

-Who's the other lady that's waiting?

0:23:320:23:38

That woman there on the stool.

0:23:380:23:39

Oh! Tall, glamorous lady over there.

0:23:390:23:43

There's no way I could be meeting her, is there?

0:23:430:23:45

-You could be. I did just presume...

-What if I just started snogging her? What would happen?

0:23:450:23:50

-She'd scream?

-No, not necessarily. Could be lovers, you don't know.

0:23:500:23:54

Shall we try it again? This time, don't presume you know who I'm meeting. OK.

0:23:540:24:00

-Hello, sir.

-Hello. I'm here to meet a woman.

-OK.

0:24:030:24:06

-What is the choice of women I could be meeting?

-We have two waiting.

-Point them out and I'll tell you

0:24:060:24:11

-which one I'm meeting. There's no way you could know.

-The tall lady...

-Don't mention size.

0:24:110:24:15

..or there's that lady over there at the table.

0:24:150:24:17

-Oh, yeah, there she is.

-OK. So you are meeting her?

0:24:170:24:21

Yes. But do you see my point? There's no way you could know.

0:24:210:24:24

-I could have been meeting her.

-There's always unlikely.

0:24:240:24:27

-What?

-Nothing. Will you just take your seat please, sir?

0:24:270:24:30

You don't think I could pull her, do you?

0:24:300:24:33

-She is very attractive.

-So? I'm a good-looking bloke.

-Mmm.

-What do you mean?

0:24:330:24:37

Objectively speaking, of the people that come here, would you say I'm good-looking?

0:24:370:24:41

-Sir, it's not...

-Would you say I'm good-looking?

-No.

0:24:410:24:44

Well, for a dwarf, then?

0:24:440:24:46

-Average?

-Oh, come on! Are you joking? Have you seen some dwarves?

0:24:460:24:50

Some of them are weird-looking, they look like grubs.

0:24:500:24:53

You're telling me, if that woman over there comes up to you

0:24:530:24:56

-and says, "I'm looking for a man," you wouldn't fix me up?

-No.

0:24:560:25:00

-Well, why not?

-I'd assume she fancied me.

0:25:000:25:03

-Why?

-If an attractive woman comes up to me and says, "I'm looking for man,"

0:25:030:25:06

my first words wouldn't be, "There's a horny dwarf over there who's up for it."

0:25:060:25:10

I'd say, "Let me buy you a drink."

0:25:100:25:12

-I can't believe you're worming in on my date now.

-I'm not. She's not your date.

0:25:120:25:16

She is.

0:25:160:25:19

Yes. Thank you.

0:25:190:25:22

Thank you.

0:25:220:25:23

-Hi. How's it going?

-Fine.

0:25:270:25:30

-Was there a problem with the maitre d'?

-No.

-Good.

0:25:300:25:33

-Lovely to see you.

-Do you reckon I could get off with that bird?

-What?

0:25:330:25:36

Do you think I could get off with her?

0:25:360:25:39

-The tall glamorous one?

-Why mention she's tall? Height isn't an issue.

0:25:390:25:42

No reason why she wouldn't think, "There's a good-looking fella. Wouldn't mind a piece of that."

0:25:420:25:47

-Do you think I'm good-looking?

-Yeah.

0:25:470:25:50

-Not just for a dwarf? Generally?

-Yes.

0:25:500:25:52

Doesn't count cos you're a dwarf.

0:25:520:25:55

-What?

-Well, I mean your standards are probably pretty low.

-What?!

0:25:550:25:59

She's looking over. Right, just relax, just chill out.

0:26:020:26:07

If she does come over, don't say you're my date, right?

0:26:110:26:15

Just say you're my sister.

0:26:150:26:18

Wow! Did you see that? Just... Oh! Didn't quite manage it there.

0:26:350:26:39

Ooh! See?

0:26:390:26:41

Get this...get this cleared up, yes? She's going! Bye. Hmm.

0:26:410:26:45

Oh! That'll hurt in the morning.

0:26:450:26:47

'Bryan was spot on with the prediction he made,

0:26:470:26:50

'that I was going to meet a lovely girl, go on a date.'

0:26:500:26:53

It's funny, though, isn't it? He left out tiny details - I don't know whether you noticed -

0:26:530:26:57

'the bit about me falling off a chair and pulling everything off the table,

0:26:570:27:01

'smashing glasses in front of a restaurant full of people.'

0:27:010:27:04

And then the girl I like walking off.

0:27:040:27:07

Didn't mention that, did he?

0:27:070:27:09

I'm going to bed.

0:27:130:27:15

-Mr Daniel Radcliffe? Would you like to come to a party?

-When is it?

0:27:190:27:23

It's this Saturday. Look at this, it's only the beautiful Cat Deeley.

0:27:230:27:27

-Fuck!

-How would you kill yourself?

0:27:270:27:30

-Blow all my money on prossies, then gun in my mouth.

-Classic.

0:27:300:27:33

Difficult for you to hang yourself. You couldn't reach.

0:27:330:27:35

I feel a little bit...frisky.

0:27:350:27:39

-Are you and Cat Deeley an item?

-You've rumbled us.

0:27:390:27:43

E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk

0:27:430:27:46

-I was going to ask you guys something.

-Mmm?

0:27:470:27:51

Do you think that new jungle game show I did on Channel 5 was a mistake?

0:27:510:27:54

Anyone else would say yes, but it's not a mistake compared with the rest of your career.

0:27:550:28:00

That's what I thought. I thought, "This is a disgrace.

0:28:000:28:02

"But I am basically at rock bottom, career-wise. Let's get the cock out."

0:28:020:28:07

Mmm.

0:28:070:28:08