Episode 5 Life's Too Short

This programme contains some strong language

My name is Warwick Davis. I'm an actor...

-Yeah, evil toilet dwarf.

-'..soon to be divorced.'

-You don't live here any more.

-Still my house. 'I'm an entrepreneur.'

Give me five grand, just to live on. 'And I've got a massive tax bill.'

You should do any shit job that comes along, or you will go to jail.

I am on my way to see a man who's very important to me.

His name is Bryan, and he's my spiritual counsellor, and life coach.

And he phoned me and he said, "Warwick, with everything that's going on at the minute,

"have you been neglecting your spiritual life?" And I said, "Yes, I have."

And he said, "I knew that."

And he was totally right, as always.

-Oh, hello. Well, well, well, long time no see!

-Yeah.

Brenda, two teas, please.

Hey, come on. Oi, you two.

Hey, Ying and Yang.

'Bryan is my...

'what he calls psychic housekeeper.'

Sometimes I stand here and I feel like I'm one of the plants, and they're looking after me.

Do you know what I mean by that?

'He deals with all the sort of spiritual clutter' that accumulates inside me.

West, east.

'I told him about the divorce...'

East - Chinese food, healthy food, tai chi, oxen.

'..and straight away he said I needed to go and see him...'

West. You know...McDonald's.

'..because he needs to feng shui my soul.

'And you can't argue with that.'

I love the conservatory, it's great. Hang on, hang on, who's that? Hello?

I think there's some...

Somebody's talking. Yeah, what do you want?

Oh, they've come to say hello, Warwick. Hello.

Hello? Yeah?

Do you know a John?

John?

-No.

-No? You don't know a John? You don't know any Johns?

-No.

-OK, right, well, that's...

Everyone knows a John. Do you know a Jonathan? Jonathan?

-No.

-You don't know any Johns at all? That's mad. That's never happened before. Right. Any Js?

Any... Anyone beginning with J? Anyone whose name starts with J? Jack?

-Jack?

-It's a Jack. Is it Jack?

Is it Joseph? Joseph? Do you know a Joseph? Do you know anyone whose name starts with J at all?

No? That's ridiculous. OK. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Ah! Dave.

Someone called Dave. You know a Dave? You know David?

-Dave?

-You don't know anyone called David?

-I've heard of famous people called David.

-Yeah, well, say yes, then. Say yes.

-Name a famous David.

-David Bowie.

David Bowie? Well, it's not him, is it? Cos he's not dead.

Name any other David. Another David. No, another name. Simon.

Simon. Simon. WARWICK MOUTHS

Stuart.

Yeah...um...there was...

er...a bloke who lived on the same street as my mum and dad. He died. His name was Stuart.

Right. How old was he again?

-About 60.

-60. Yeah, that's him.

Bang on. 60-year-old Stuart. He's looking down on you and he's saying, "Hello Warwick. Well done.

"You're doing really well, you're doing great."

-What was Stuart's surname?

-Doesn't matter.

-Can you ask him?

-I'm not going to go round asking people their surname.

-Why not?

-Because it's rude. Can you not just accept who he is? It's definitely him.

In fact, actually, hang on. What?

Yeah, he's confirming it, so it's definitely him.

'Bryan's got the gift. I mean, you saw in that reading

'how the first name he got'

was an old guy I knew called Stuart. Now, I don't remember him very well

so he couldn't have been making it up.

-Right, Stuart says you're worried about something. Is that true?

-Yeah.

-What are you worried about?

-Does Stuart not know?

-Oh, for...! Warwick, can you not...?

Sorry, Stuart. No, I'm asking him, Stuart, but Warwick's being a little...

-Can you just say what you're worried about? What is it?

-I'm worried about my tax bill.

Yes, exactly. That's what Stuart thought.

Stuart's saying, "Don't worry about it."

-Will I pay off my tax bills?

-Yeah, course you will.

It's a lot of money.

BRYAN CHUCKLES He knows that,

and he's having a laugh, and he's saying, "You can't take it with you."

What, I can't take the money or the debt with me?

Oh! He's saying, "Don't worry about it, Warwick."

OK, what part of, "Don't worry about it," do you not understand?

OK, can I just ask one more thing? Should I declare myself bankrupt?

Right, he's saying, "Who am I? Your fucking accountant?"

OK.

£60, please.

I'm wondering whether I should explore a more formal religion.

I hear a lot of people talk about having a relationship with God.

'Warwick can choose any god he likes, and when he's chosen a god,'

I'll look after him while he's alive and the god'll take over when he's dead. It's teamwork.

I have worked with loads of gods in the past. You know, all the main ones, smaller ones.

I've worked with gods I've never even bloody heard of.

Good luck to him!

I will not work with the devil, OK?

That's the line I draw. The furthest I go is a white witch.

Very happy to work with a white witch.

And that's not a racial term, OK? By white witch, I mean good witch.

I don't mean white, good, black bad, cos I love black men...

People! I love black people.

-Goodbye, Warwick.

-Goodbye.

Oh, Warwick, can I tell you this?

I see you being very happy very soon.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Someone new is going to come into your life.

Your wife's gone, she's out the picture. So you've got to get back on the saddle.

You deserve to be one... Oi, sailor boy, come on!

You deserv... Yes, in, don't cheek.

You deserve to be one half of a whole,

and right now you're just a little half.

You will meet someone.

Oi, I'm talking!

You will meet someone if you go out and try to meet people.

Do you see? Yeah?

Interesting, very interesting, very astute.

You know what Bryan's saying is, I have to be pro-active, like I am in business.

In business, I'm out there hustling.

So why am I just sitting back thinking my next lover's going to walk through the door?

I've got to get out there.

You have to be in it to win it.

-MURMURED CONVERSATION

-She's nice.

-Yeah, mine's not bad either.

-Right, now play it cool, right?

I want you to go over there. I want you to say, "Can we join me for a drink?

"I should warn you, watch out for my friend Warwick, cos he's a bad boy."

-Why would I say that?

-Because women love bastards.

You don't want to seem all sweet and nice - that gets you nowhere. Tell 'em someone bad, dangerous.

Is it OK if I just...sit down?

-Yeah, sure.

-Cheers. Yeah, I'm Eric. That's...um...

That's my friend Warwick over there.

I should warn you, though, he's bad.

-He's what?

-He's bad, and dangerous.

What's so bad and dangerous about him?

He's a rapist.

No! No, I'm a racist.

You're a racist?

I am a racist, yeah. In the sense that,

if anything, I prefer you, the darker lady, which, which is unfair on you.

So, in a sense, I'm racist cos...I'd do you,

and not you. I mean, if it came to it, I'd probably do the both of you but...um...but...

You go first.

-Let's go.

-Yeah?

RELIGIOUS SINGING IN LATIN

The reason I'm here is I'm currently exploring

sort of different avenues of spirituality.

I have a few questions if that's OK.

Fine.

Before we start, I want to get this out the way straight away.

It's a bit awkward, to be honest, but I do need to ask.

Are you a paedophile?

No, I'm not.

Great. Phew!

Lot of it about - you see why I had to ask that one. So...

Catholicism. As I understand it, you can just do whatever you want,

turn up on a Sunday, say you're sorry and you go, "Well, forget it." Something like that?

-You're talking about confession?

-Yes, yes.

This is not a licence to break the Ten Commandments.

Yeah, I've been reading up on those.

The first five are all about Him,

that's God, and then it kicks in with what you shouldn't do.

I think there's murder, covet thy neighbour's wife.

I mean, I wouldn't covet my neighbour's wife, you should see her!

I wouldn't touch her with yours.

Interestingly, though, kiddie fiddling - it's not mentioned in the Ten Commandments.

If I was making a list... number one for me, right up there.

"Thou shalt not touch kids."

Not even mentioned.

Oooh. Lucky for you lot, eh?

No, I'm joking. You said you're not and I believe you for now.

I like a lot of what you're saying.

If I may take the old rule book, have a flick through that,

and see if I like the sound of it.

Oh, one final question, and this is a deal-breaker...

Do you approve of masturbation?

No.

I'm out.

HE WHISTLES

Excuse me, sir, are you going to buy that mop?

-No, I'm using it to help me shop.

-You can't go round using a mop unless you're going to buy it.

-Why not?

-It's been used now, we can't put that back on sale.

-I haven't used it as a mop.

-Put it back and get someone to hand stuff down to you.

I'm not going to have someone hand stuff to me!

I'm an independent person, trying to shop independently.

-Then you'll have to pay for that mop.

-I'm not going to pay for it.

-Then you're not going to use it any more.

-So what am I supposed to do? Buy a mop every time I go shopping?

No. Buy one mop, carry it with you.

I've got to carry a mop everywhere I go on the off chance I might run out of Frosties?

-It's store policy.

-Well, it's ridiculous.

-Oh!

-Sorry, that was ridiculous.

-What, you saw that?

-It was totally rude.

-I know.

You should complain. I can be a witness or something.

-Really?

-Yeah, yeah. He was just being a jobsworth.

-I know. I...

-Idiot.

-Thank you.

-Um...sorry, could I just say...? I am a big fan.

-Oh!

-..of yours. I really love Willow.

-Thank you. Nice to meet you. Warwick.

-Caroline.

-Hello.

-Cool. Um... Oh, could you just pass me the tea bags actually?

-Oh!

-I was just trying to get those when you came along.

'You do not expect that, do you, in a supermarket?

'You pop out for a few essentials, you meet a lovely woman, who's single,'

who also happens to be a fan.

-Right, eight...

-172.

'You get talking. Before you know it, you've swapped bloody phone numbers'

and I'm meeting her for a drink on Friday.

Bryan said I'd meet someone.

Well, there you go.

-Are these condoms all right for you?

-Yeah.

-You sure they'll fit? Cos it's one size fits all.

-Yeah, don't worry about it.

-Well, we've got to be careful cos you could sue us. Barbara, will these Johnnies fit a dwarf?

-Why?

I've got one here.

-Depends on how big he is.

-GIGGLING

Yeah, big enough, thank you.

No, they're not for you. I mean, they could be, but what I mean is they're for anyone so...

Not anyone! Obviously, you know you'd be my first choice,

but I would never presume, obviously, that that was going to occur.

You've got to be careful. It's better to be safe, cos there's all sorts of diseases, aren't there?

Not that I've got unclean... But I don't know about...

But no! That's what I'm saying.

You know, we all get stressed about it and I'm...

Nobody should stress about this. Just let's have fun. You know what I mean?

So is it...is it on for Friday?

No? Right. Good. I'll delete your phone number?

Yeah.

Thanks for that! I don't need them now.

-I've already put them through.

-Oh, brilliant. OK, just... Thanks for all your help.

'She caught me buying condoms. She's upset. Why is she upset?'

I was being responsible. If we're getting intimate, and I say, "I've got a sheaf here,"

she'll be like, "Yeah, what a responsible chap, let's get down to it."

But because it's out in the open now, upfront, it's suddenly embarrassing,

because a condom is for one thing and one thing only

and everyone knows what I'm going to do with that.

I've bought some carrots here.

That could be to shove up my arse but because no-one knows that, it's not embarrassing.

The carrot is not for shoving up my arse, let me make that totally clear.

Yeah. Wow.

-So this is Toby.

-Hello.

-Who actually fixed me up with my first wife, my only wife.

-Only wife.

-Sue. I was busy at the time.

-Yeah.

Didn't have time to trawl round for a wife so I came here.

Yeah, I was so proud of finding Warwick a wife, cos, I mean, when he first came in I was like,

-"Right, here's a challenge, Toby."

-All right.

-Yeah.

But it was about six months or so... Sue popped up, didn't she?

-Yeah.

-She was desperate as well. And the rest is history.

-Yes. Well, now I'm back again.

-He's back.

-For an upgrade!

-OK. Well, I popped your details back into the system

-and hit search, and there we go, straight away, the perfect match.

-That's Sue.

-Do you know her?

That's my ex-wife, Sue.

Oh, it is Sue, isn't it? Gosh!

-Sorry. At least it shows the system works.

-Not really, because we've split up.

That's the one person who's proven not to be my perfect match.

Of all the women in the world, that's the one I shouldn't have been paired with.

To be honest, it's a very, very old computer.

-Why did it say "perfect match"?

-Shortest person on the books.

Well, find the second shortest person on the books.

-I did. I did show the picture and everything. She does not want to go out with you. Oh, no!

-Why?

-Too short, Warwick. Way too short.

-Right.

-OK.

-Let's have a look at some other options. Er...

-Oh, no way, no way! Um...

-Keep going, keep going. No...

-She's been on the system for years.

-Hang on, go back.

-Well, she's all right. Yeah, you know, she's...

-Well...

-She's a stunner, isn't she?

-Well, exactly, so...

-What?

Just I've sent her a lot of duffers recently and...

I just don't want her losing faith in the system,

-because you could be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

-What?

If I send you round, she's going to get straight on the phone to me,

-"Why are you palming me off with some midget?"

-Don't say "midget", it's offensive.

-Exactly! That's not me saying that, it's her.

-Yeah.

If she's using language like that, you shouldn't be with her. I'm hanging up, mate.

-Is there no-one else?

-Not really.

Um... Oh, she just came in.

-Ah! Oh, yes, OK, brilliant.

-She's all right, yeah.

Not bad, eh? Yeah, she's perfect. She's called Amy.

Amy likes... Oh, she works for the council. Not bad.

-Likes the theatre, eating out with friends, stuff like that.

-As do I.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, fix me up.

-All right, let's get her back on.

-Great.

Amy!

GENERAL CHATTER

-Warwick?

-Yeah?

-Hi, I'm Amy.

Hello.

Will you excuse me for a minute?

Come in. She's a dwarf! She kept that quiet, didn't she?

Now look at that. See that? There's no clue in that picture, is there? Just a head.

It should be a full body shot, with her stood next to a matchbox or something.

You know, like when they show how big a moth is. But, no, no clue there.

Where's the arms?

Sneaky.

Sorry about that.

All right?

Yeah.

Just...

Did you know I was a little person, from my picture?

-Yes.

-You did? Yeah, because you could see my head and full body, yes.

It's all about proportions, isn't it? The old head-to-leg ratio.

There were no arms and legs in your picture, so nothing to go by.

What do you mean?

Well, there was no mention you were a little person.

Is that a problem?

No. Not a problem for me.

It's just...just seemed strange of you to hide the fact.

-I didn't hide it.

-No.

I just don't want everyone going, "Ooh, she's a sneaky little one.

"Whenever she can, she hides the fact she's a dwarf."

-I wasn't hiding it.

-No.

Just a bit of a surprise, that's all.

No more surprises in store, hmm?

-You weren't born a man?

-No.

Don't want to get you back to my place and suddenly in the throes of passion, a bit of touchy-feely,

"What's going on down here, love? Either you were born a man or you've been shoplifting offal."

-I don't think you should assume we're going back to your place.

-No, sorry.

Although now you've been so adamant that we're not going home together,

it makes me think maybe there are testicles down there.

-I haven't got testicles!

-No. Right. And I have a witness to that, right?

So if I do get off with you, and you do turn out to be a man,

no-one can go, "I bet Warwick knew it was a man."

I did not know it was a man, right? Ad I'm not expecting testicles down there.

-SHE LAUGHS

-What?

I can't believe you've just said that!

Neither can I. I'm so nervous, I'm all over the place.

We haven't even ordered yet and we're already talking about my testicles.

I... I don't know what to say. I haven't done this for years. I'm...

-I normally expect at least a starter before I'm accused of being a man.

-Yeah.

-I bet this is the worst date you've ever been on.

-No!

The worst date I've ever been on was a blind date,

when I answered the door and the guy said, "Euch, it's a dwarf," and I said, "Yes, it is."

He panicked, saying stuff like, "What can you eat? What time do you have to be in bed?"

The final straw came when he looked down at me and said, "Is this legal?"

And I said, "I don't know what this is, but let's call it a night."

Got lovely eyes.

Oh, thanks.

MURMURED CONVERSATION

'I had a good time, had a really good time.

'She's lovely, she's great.

'Started off a bit weird. Er...

'But, you know, the end of the night was really lovely and he's really funny.

'I've been out of the game a while, but I think after a shaky start,

'I'll weave my magic, you know.

'He's really cool.'

Well, OK, not cool,

but...um...you know, I like him.

'I suppose if you've got it, you've got it. It's a bit like riding a bike.'

Not that Amy's a bike! Not that I can ride a bike - I can't get anywhere near the pedals.

-But now you know me, anybody I know is one degree.

-One degree from me.

I'd like to sees him again, I'd like to hang out more.

MURMURED CONVERSATION

'My initial annoyance when I first saw her was not that I didn't fancy her, but, you know,'

I don't want people going, "Of course he's going out with a dwarf."

No, not, "of course". Yes, in this instance, I'm going out with a little person,

but that could just as easily have been a six-foot stunner.

You don't know. You know, what I resent is people seeing us

walking down the street, hand in hand, and going, "Oh, look, that's all he could get."

It's not all I could get, but it's what I'm happy with at the moment.

Scientology. Thanks for seeing me by the way.

-If I was to join your cult, would I get...?

-We are not a cult.

-We are a church.

-Same thing. If I was to join, would I get to meet Tom Cruise or John Travolta?

-It's not something we arrange.

-You've got a load of American stars. You haven't got many British ones.

I know you were sniffing round the Beckhams, but you don't want him as a spokesman.

That squeaky little voice. And Posh Spice, she's no advert for a cult.

You'd have trouble brainwashing either of them, cos you need a brain to be brainwashed!

-We are not a cult, and we don't brainwash people.

-"We are not a cult and we don't brainwash people."

Do you have any more questions?

Yeah. This L Ron Hubbard fella, he was the founder, wasn't he?

-That's right.

-What does the L stand for?

-Lafayette.

-You do definitely need the L, because just Ron Hubbard...

I mean, who'd follow a chap called Ron Hubbard?

Unless he was the captain of your pub darts team, then maybe. But, yeah, stick an L in front...

L Ron Hubbard. "Ooh, what's the L stand for?

-"Len? Larry?"

-Do you have any more questions?

"Lionel?"

'I've looked into a few different religions.'

Do you own this or is it rented?

I think I'm going to stay what I was born, which is sort of a vague bog standard C of E.

Cos you don't have to give anything up, you can drink, smoke, fornicate,

do whatever you want, and all you have to do is say,

"Yeah, I believe in God," and you get into heaven.

Suits me!

Here we go. Off on another date with Amy tonight,

which is great. She's a lovely girl.

So, yeah, I'm very excited.

It's funny how things work out, isn't it?

Cos that first date started off badly but here we are, round two, so...

You know, very exciting.

-Good evening, sir.

-Evening.

-She's over there.

Thanks.

Sorry, what makes you think I'm meeting that particular lady?

-Sorry, sir, I just assumed that because she's a...

-A dwarf.

-A smaller lady...

-Why would you assume I was meeting her?

-We only have two women waiting for dining companions, sir.

-Who's the other lady that's waiting?

That woman there on the stool.

Oh! Tall, glamorous lady over there.

There's no way I could be meeting her, is there?

-You could be. I did just presume...

-What if I just started snogging her? What would happen?

-She'd scream?

-No, not necessarily. Could be lovers, you don't know.

Shall we try it again? This time, don't presume you know who I'm meeting. OK.

-Hello, sir.

-Hello. I'm here to meet a woman.

-OK.

-What is the choice of women I could be meeting?

-We have two waiting.

-Point them out and I'll tell you

-which one I'm meeting. There's no way you could know.

-The tall lady...

-Don't mention size.

..or there's that lady over there at the table.

-Oh, yeah, there she is.

-OK. So you are meeting her?

Yes. But do you see my point? There's no way you could know.

-I could have been meeting her.

-There's always unlikely.

-What?

-Nothing. Will you just take your seat please, sir?

You don't think I could pull her, do you?

-She is very attractive.

-So? I'm a good-looking bloke.

-Mmm.

-What do you mean?

Objectively speaking, of the people that come here, would you say I'm good-looking?

-Sir, it's not...

-Would you say I'm good-looking?

-No.

Well, for a dwarf, then?

-Average?

-Oh, come on! Are you joking? Have you seen some dwarves?

Some of them are weird-looking, they look like grubs.

You're telling me, if that woman over there comes up to you

-and says, "I'm looking for a man," you wouldn't fix me up?

-No.

-Well, why not?

-I'd assume she fancied me.

-Why?

-If an attractive woman comes up to me and says, "I'm looking for man,"

my first words wouldn't be, "There's a horny dwarf over there who's up for it."

I'd say, "Let me buy you a drink."

-I can't believe you're worming in on my date now.

-I'm not. She's not your date.

She is.

Yes. Thank you.

Thank you.

-Hi. How's it going?

-Fine.

-Was there a problem with the maitre d'?

-No.

-Good.

-Lovely to see you.

-Do you reckon I could get off with that bird?

-What?

Do you think I could get off with her?

-The tall glamorous one?

-Why mention she's tall? Height isn't an issue.

No reason why she wouldn't think, "There's a good-looking fella. Wouldn't mind a piece of that."

-Do you think I'm good-looking?

-Yeah.

-Not just for a dwarf? Generally?

-Yes.

Doesn't count cos you're a dwarf.

-What?

-Well, I mean your standards are probably pretty low.

-What?!

She's looking over. Right, just relax, just chill out.

If she does come over, don't say you're my date, right?

Just say you're my sister.

Wow! Did you see that? Just... Oh! Didn't quite manage it there.

Ooh! See?

Get this...get this cleared up, yes? She's going! Bye. Hmm.

Oh! That'll hurt in the morning.

'Bryan was spot on with the prediction he made,

'that I was going to meet a lovely girl, go on a date.'

It's funny, though, isn't it? He left out tiny details - I don't know whether you noticed -

'the bit about me falling off a chair and pulling everything off the table,

'smashing glasses in front of a restaurant full of people.'

And then the girl I like walking off.

Didn't mention that, did he?

I'm going to bed.

-Mr Daniel Radcliffe? Would you like to come to a party?

-When is it?

It's this Saturday. Look at this, it's only the beautiful Cat Deeley.

-Fuck!

-How would you kill yourself?

-Blow all my money on prossies, then gun in my mouth.

-Classic.

Difficult for you to hang yourself. You couldn't reach.

I feel a little bit...frisky.

-Are you and Cat Deeley an item?

-You've rumbled us.

E-mail [email protected]

-I was going to ask you guys something.

-Mmm?

Do you think that new jungle game show I did on Channel 5 was a mistake?

Anyone else would say yes, but it's not a mistake compared with the rest of your career.

That's what I thought. I thought, "This is a disgrace.

"But I am basically at rock bottom, career-wise. Let's get the cock out."

Mmm.