Episode 6 Life's Too Short

This programme contains some strong language

-We're here to meet my wife.

-Ex-wife.

-And her lawyer.

-Stroke lover.

We're here to discuss the divorce settlement,

so it'll be interesting to see what they bring to the table.

They've probably done it on the table.

DOOR OPENS

-Come through, gents?

-Yeah.

THEY WHISPER

(If they've done it on any table, it's probably this one. Very sturdy.)

Will you just...?

OK, having taken everything into consideration,

this is our initial proposal.

Will you just...?

Will you...?

Little arms!

Just lightening the mood.

I see, yes, basically half of everything.

Let's have a look.

Don't be so fucking childish!

Get off.

I'm the fucking solicitor!

And I'm the client. Such a fucking idiot!

Give me the fucking paper!

-So stupid!

-Oh, no!

What a fucking idiot!

-It was the wrong time for comedy, I know that now.

-You...!

Hello? Yeah, I'm trying to find out

when my new washing machine's going to be here.

Today, I'm putting my house in order

and getting the spy hole moved down a bit, there.

-How high do you want it?

-Just so I can look through it.

Yeah, getting everything ready in the flat for the big party next Saturday.

Just waiting to find out where my new washing machine is as well.

The party...

in a way is not only a belated house warming,

but it's also a gift to myself, to say, "Well done, Warwick,

"for struggling through the tough times with a smile on your face."

'Also, I met a lovely girl, Amy.'

What can I say?

'Yeah, she's terrific.'

-Those are for you.

-Oh, thanks.

'Our second date didn't go so well,

'so I've invited her as a chance to make things up to her.'

-Will you come?

-Yeah, all right. I'll see you then.

-That's great, thanks.

-See ya.

-Bye.

'Of course, I will be inviting all my showbiz friends,

'so it should be quite a starry affair.'

And this may surprise you, but I've invited Sue as well,

cos I wanted to say to her, "Yeah, even though you're suing me

"for divorce, there's no reason why we still can't be friends."

Here's an invitation. You're invited to Warwick's Castle.

An Englishman's home is his castle.

My name's Warwick Davis, Warwick's Castle. See what I've done?

'And I've invited her new guy, just to say,

'"Fine, you're with my wife now, I'm bigger than that, I don't care."'

-Did you take the photograph?

-Not of the castle, no.

Right, well, technically, that's an infringement of copyright law.

You need to consult the photographer.

It's just an invitation.

And actually, I should warn you, Ian, there will be a lot of

famous celebrities there from the world of film and TV.

Sue's used to it, from all the years that we were together,

all the showbiz parties she's been to.

Yeah, I don't want you to panic and clam up,

just cos they're famous.

Well, I won't, because I probably won't know who they are.

Oh, yeah, you'll know who these people are, trust me.

Just inviting people to the big party.

Working my way through my database of A-listers.

Start with the big boys. Mr Ewan McGregor.

We worked together on Star Wars Episode One The Phantom Menace.

Got to hang out a lot together. Bloody lovely bloke.

We were like old friends within a week, and we exchanged numbers.

That's dead.

Let's try some of the Harry Potter gang. No shortage of big names there.

Mr Daniel Radcliffe? Mr Warwick Davis.

The dwarf indeed, yeah.

Would you like to come to a party next Saturday?

My party.

Hello?

He's gone.

There's no way he could have come at that short notice, I mean...

And by the sound of his voice, he was gutted.

Miss Emma Watson. Emma? Warwick Davis.

Warwick Davis from Harry Potter? You know, Professor Flit...

Yeah, the dwarf, yeah.

Would you like to come to a party next Saturday?

No, there's no appearance fee. Hello?

She's gone.

That's it, way too busy, her and Daniel, you see.

That's what happens. When you're in demand, you just have

to pick up the phone and, and then answer

and then just hang up, even if it seems rude.

PHONE RINGS

Grint.

What's Grint?

Oh, it's Rupert Grint. You know, the ginger one from Harry Potter?

What does he want?

Hello, Rupert.

Party?

No, I'm not having a party, no.

Sorry, Rupe, hang on, I just think, I've just seen a...

a small fire has erupted in my flat and, yeah, I'm going to have to go.

Yes, all right, cheers, bye. Bye.

Oh.

Oh, I mean, I feel bad. I mean, he's a lovely bloke and all that,

but you don't want Grint at your party.

-That's very good.

-Oh.

-Look at that.

-And, look, it's all filled in up there as well.

-Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

Great. OK, let's give it a dry run. You go outside and ring the bell.

-All right.

-That's it.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh.

I can only see the groin.

I can only see your groin. It's no good.

I wondered why you wanted it down there.

-Well, so I could look through it.

-Yeah, but you can only see groins.

I thought I'd be able to look up and see faces.

-No, you can only see groins.

-I know that now.

-Well, where do you want it then?

-I want it where I can see faces.

-Higher up then?

-Yes.

-About where it was?

-In a way, yes.

-OK.

-I've just moved into a new flat.

-Oh.

-It's lovely.

-Oh, good.

Going to have a bit of a showbiz bash to mark the occasion.

Don't know whether you guys might like to come along?

-Er, when is it?

-It's this Saturday.

-Oh, definitely not. No, I can't.

-No?

-I'm working at Great Ormond Street, Saturday.

-It's in the evening.

Yeah, in the evenings, that's what I do,

Saturday evenings, I work at Great... Don't I?

-Yeah. He does, he does.

-Steve's free, he doesn't...

I'm not, actually.

No, you've mis-remembered there. I come down with you.

I've remembered they don't want him there,

-cos he turned up once and it scared the children, the face.

-Not true.

They said, "Don't ever bring that goggle-eyed freak near me again."

The kids would never say that. What they said was,

"It's that guy from The Tooth Fairy, the kids film.

"We love him being here."

Which I saw and was terrified, so please don't bring him in so...

I've just remembered actually, I just checked the diary,

you're not going there.

-No, we both are.

-We are.

-We're both going, so we can't come.

It is a shame because, you know, it's going to be a great evening.

Oh, never mind.

But, you know, if your plans change, you know, you're always welcome.

-Door's always open.

-One downstairs certainly is(!)

-See you later.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

Make sure he actually leaves the building.

-How does he keep getting in?

-Yeah, he's... Oh!

-What? It's Les Dennis.

And he's brought Cheggers with him.

DOORBELL BUZZES

DOORBELL RINGS

-Who is it?

-Washing machine.

-At last. Push the door.

Close the door.

Look at that, some time between nine and five.

Thanks for being so prompt.

Excuse me. Right, bring it over here.

There we go.

Hang on, where you going? You haven't plumbed it in.

-No, we can't.

-Yes, you can.

When I bought it,

they said you'd take away the old one and install the new one.

I can't take away the old one, cos it's still plumbed in.

-Well, unplumb it then.

-We can't.

-Can you plumb in the new one?

-Yeah.

Well, then, it's the same, but in reverse.

I'm not allowed to unplumb anything. Company policy.

What was I supposed to do? Get a plumber round

to unplumb the old one, so you could plumb in the new one?

-Yeah.

-Well, that's madness!

-Well, read the small print, mate.

How much do you want to unplumb the old one?

We can't. We might damage something and you could sue us.

-I promise, I won't sue you.

-That's not legally binding.

I can't have two washing machines cluttering up my kitchen.

I'm having a party on Saturday. I've got famous people coming.

-Are they bringing their laundry?

-No.

-Don't worry about it then.

Have your party Saturday,

get that unplumbed Sunday, I'll be back to plumb this one Monday.

-What? Some time between nine and five?!

-Yeah.

Never mind, I'll do it myself. Thank you.

How am I going to do this?

Cheryl, where are you? Can you get over here straightaway?

It's a domestic emergency.

No, I'm not trapped in the bathroom again.

OK. I've unplumbed it. Simple, it's just a couple of tubes.

You make a good plumber,

cos you could get in all the little crevices like that, couldn't you?

Yeah, I could, couldn't I?

Something to think about when the acting work dries up for you.

Why would you say that in front of...?

Right, that's done. Now, we've just got to get it out. Um...

I've got a sack truck downstairs, I'll go down and get that.

Here we go.

Right, you go round behind and tip it backwards.

Right, tip it backwards.

Yeah. There we go.

Look at that! Easy.

Here we go.

Can't leave that there.

Thank you.

Here, hold on.

Yeah, this looks like a good spot. Perfect.

It says you can't tip here.

Yeah, well, the plumber said he couldn't unplumb it, but he could.

I'm sick of these arbitrary rules.

Good.

-Do you want to dump these as well?

-What's that?

They're the instructions. They were inside the washing machine.

-What, inside that?

-Yeah.

-That's the new one!

-I know.

I wondered why you were dumping that one.

Aaah! Fuck! And you didn't say anything? Ah!

So, do you want these or not?

F...!

Yeah, hello. Is that Rent-a-Star?

Yeah, I'm Warwick Davis

and I'm looking to hire some celebrities for a party I'm having.

Yeah, now, I'm looking at your website and

I see you've got Gary Busey, Daniel Baldwin, Brigitte Nielson.

Do you have anyone that hasn't been in celebrity rehab?

There will be drink at the party, I don't want any trouble.

Right, there's a page two. Oh, yeah. George Takei, that's Sulu.

Erik Estrada, yeah, he's from Chips. Who's Antonio Fargas?

Huggy Bear?

OK, have you got any actors that have actually

acted in something in the last ten to 15 years?

No? What about TV presenters? Now, Cat Deeley interests me.

She's not a drunk or a junkie

and people under the age of 50 have heard of her.

Yeah, how much would she cost?

Bear in mind, I'm in the business,

so what's the best price you can do on Deeley?

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh. Come in. Push the door.

Push it.

-There we are, welcome.

-Thank you.

-Ah, the great showbiz party.

I must say, I'm very excited.

I'm looking forward to all the superstars.

Well, welcome to the castle. Food's over there. Drinks that way.

Help yourselves. Good.

DOORBELL RINGS

Yes! Right, push the door. Come on. Push. That's it. Welcome, come on in.

Shut the door now.

Here we go, everyone, over here. Look at this, look who it is.

It's only the beautiful Cat Deeley. Yeah.

Just another guest at my party, here. Wow.

Here she is. Cat Deeley, everyone.

That's it.

Not the reaction I thought you'd get, but thanks for being here. Oh...

-Don't tell people you're hired.

-What?

Don't tell people I've paid for you to be here.

-Just say you're one of my showbiz friends.

-But how would we have met?

Well, I don't know, some Hollywood party.

Do you go to Hollywood parties?

Yeah, I go to Hollywood parties, babe, yeah.

Long before you were born.

So, I don't know, just say you're a big fan of mine. All right?

-Come on, then. That's it. Mingle, will you? Yup.

-OK.

-Ian, Sue, have you met the beautiful Cat Deeley?

-Hello, nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

-Hello.

I still really like that show that you used to do in the mornings

with Ant and Dec.

-Oh, thanks.

-So, what are they really like then?

Don't really want to talk about those guys.

Cat, can I have word? Just..

In case you've forgotten,

I'm paying you an awful lot of money to be here tonight,

so if people want to talk about Ant and Dec, you talk about Ant and Dec.

Capiche?

Good, come on then.

-So, you were talking about Ant and Dec, weren't you?

-Oh, it's fine.

She doesn't mind. She'll...

What do you think of the show they're doing now?

-The one in the jungle, is it? I'm A Celebrity...

-Yeah.

-I don't really watch it.

-Cat, can I have another word?

I don't even work on the jungle show.

-You must have an opinion.

-I think it's pretty good.

Well, say that when people ask. God!

DOORBELL RINGS

GENERAL CHATTER

-Hello, Cat Deeley.

-Hi.

-I am Warwick's accountant.

-Right.

-Yeah. Got some other clients as well.

-Uh-huh.

Four other clients, no, three.

-No four, including me, cos I do my own books.

-Right.

-You got an accountant?

-Yeah.

-Happy with them?

-Very.

Yeah, what if I told you

you could get away with never having to pay VAT?

-That's illegal, isn't it?

-Yup, it is, you can't get away with that.

Want to go out with me sometime?

-No.

-No? Well, do you want to take my card,

-in case you need a new accountant?

-No.

No? Nah.

No, not after asking you out. And the illegal VAT stuff.

I've muddled things, asking you out and asking for your business.

I should have done one or the other. I always do that. That's my problem.

I want to make money and I want a shag.

-I end up getting neither.

-Oh.

-No chance with either with you, did I?

-No.

-Nah.

Oh.

Oh. My life. I wouldn't wish it on...

I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

You know what, sometimes, I think I should just go down to my bank

and get out all my savings in cash, spend it all on prostitutes...

..and then kill myself.

Don't think I haven't thought of that many a time.

-Having fun?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

So...

Are you and Cat Deeley an item, then?

-Why? You're not jealous, are you?

-No, no, she's...

..she's very glamorous.

Look, I didn't want to say too much, but, um...

you've rumbled us.

-How long's that been going on?

-Long enough. Hmm.

Yeah, is it a rebound thing? Who knows?

But, um, you've still got first dibs on me, but the clock is ticking.

I just don't want her to get hurt.

-Cat!

-What?

-Here she is.

-What you doing?

-Just putting my arm round you.

-Round my leg?

-Can't reach your waist, can I?

-Well, don't.

She doesn't like public displays of affection.

But, er, yeah, we are an item.

-You don't tweet, do you?

-No.

-No, no, it's...

You know, if it ever got out, eurgh, it'd be a media meltdown and,

yeah, I don't want that.

Protecting her, really.

So, um, just, keep it under your hat, yeah?

-All right, lads? I, er, embarrassed myself with Cat Deeley.

-How?

I asked her out, then started talking about fiddling her tax

and killing myself.

-All over the place.

-Yeah, not focused.

How would you kill yourself?

Blow all my money on prossies, then a gun in the mouth.

-It's a classic. What about you, Les?

-Definitely pills.

That's the way I'm going to do it. I've heard you just slip away.

You've got to be careful, though, that you don't wake up,

because you can get brain damage and your kidneys can go.

-What about you?

-Just car in the garage, hose on the exhaust.

I've got heated seats, so I'd be comfy.

-Yeah.

-Keith?

-Er, best guess for me?

Probably a wanking incident.

You know, the old, er, belt round the door handle job?

Uh...

Knocking one out.

Orgasm.

Joke.

Dead.

Yeah. Actually, I'm going to change my mind.

I think that's the best way to go. If you're going to do it, do that.

-Excuse me.

-What, you going to knock one out now?

Yeah. Once I've got that idea in my head, I can't get rid of it.

Oh.

-Lots of TV people, aren't there?

-Uh-huh.

-Media people.

-Uh-huh.

-It's all very glamorous and creative.

-Uh-huh.

-You fitting in OK?

-Yup.

Don't suppose you've heard the rumour about me and Cat Deeley?

-Who's Cat Deeley?

-I introduced you earlier.

The tall, blonde, you know, she...

-She's always on the TV.

-Oh, I don't have a television.

-You don't have a TV?

-No, just books.

-Well, if you did...

-But I don't.

If you did, you'd realise she's quite a famous person to be going out with.

But I don't.

DOORBELL RINGS

Push the door.

-Hi.

-Hi, Warwick.

-How's it going?

-Good, thanks. Nice place.

-Yeah.

-Do you want a drink?

-Yes, please.

-It's all over there. Help yourself.

No, he's very special...

All right, Keith?

-You don't tweet, do you?

-Yeah, I do.

Oh, no.

You haven't tweeted that me and Cat Deeley are going out, have you?

Of course not.

Oh, depends what you've seen.

-You haven't seen me and her together then?

-No.

-You didn't see me touch her legs?

-No.

-Well, I did. Leg hug.

I didn't see that.

Well, pay attention then, to what's going on under your nose,

and if it's of interest, tweet it.

Sometimes, I look at the moon and I do find that

I feel like when the tides are high and the lunar moon's out,

I feel a little bit...like...

frisky.

Yeah.

-The guy from Family Fortunes.

-Hello, I'm Amy.

-Hello.

-Hi, Amy, I'm Sue.

-Hi.

-Ian Wald.

-Oh, hi, Ian.

-Ian, my partner.

-Oh.

-How do you guys know Warwick?

-I used to be married to him.

-Oh, that's...

-And I'm suing him.

-Yeah.

-Effectively.

-OK.

-He's my solicitor.

Supervising the divorce.

That must save you a bit of money, going out with your lawyer.

-No, I'm still paying him, you know.

-Well, yeah, but we'll get it back.

-Oh.

-So, how do you know Warwick? Do you work with him?

-No, we just met through a dating agency.

-Dating agency?

Been on a couple of dates, which have been quite eventful.

This is our third.

That's strange, Warwick,

cos I thought you were going out with Cat Deeley?

What?

That's what you said, isn't it?

You're going out with Cat Deeley?

Yeah. Yeah. Um. Er...

Should have probably said something, um, but, yeah.

Me and Cat are, kind of, but, but look, come on, babe.

You knew when you got involved with me

you were dealing with a player, didn't you?

And, er, don't hate the player, hate the game.

OK, er, I'll give you a holler, yeah?

Sorry, Warwick, did I put you in it?

Nah.

Yeah, we had a few laughs, but, you know,

I never said she wouldn't get hurt.

Chick like Cat Deeley comes along, you have to say bye-bye.

But, you know, same thing could happen to Deeley.

I could home one day, Deeley's there,

"Hi, Warwick, I made your favourite dinner. Spaghetti Bolognese."

"Mmm, lovely. By the way, I'm sleeping with J-Lo,

"you're moving out tomorrow."

Cat? Do you find it difficult being in LA half the year?

-I mean, do you miss Warwick?

-Do I miss Warwick?

-Yeah, is it hard to maintain a relationship?

-Relationship?

-Yeah, we don't use that word.

-What do you mean, relationship?

Yeah, we don't use that word, so let's not repeat it.

Sorry, I thought you were going out with Warwick?

-Why did you think that?

-Er... Been some rumours.

-How did they start?

I don't know, but let's just leave this now, shall we?

I've already sent one girl home crying, I don't want any more tears.

-Have you been telling people that we're going out?

-Er...

Excuse me, everybody. Can I have everybody's attention, please?

Um, has anyone heard the rumour that I'm going out with Warwick?

Put your hands up. Show me, put your hands up.

Well, it's totally unfounded. It's ridiculous.

I would never go out with Warwick Davis. Is that clear?

Everyone, is that completely clear?

ALL: Yes.

OK, thanks for coming, everyone, party's over.

Deeley's thrown a strop.

Everyone out.

-Cat, can you keep the noise down?

-Can I go yet?

No, I paid you till midnight.

Wasted five grand on her.

-Look at that.

-What's that on my shoe?

It's a pilchard.

Yeah, I was hungry, so I opened a tin of pilchards.

I couldn't work your microwave, so I had to eat them cold.

This day couldn't get any worse.

Cat, get a mop.

-It won't happen again.

-But I feel like it will happen again, Warwick.

It won't, I promise.

-Are you satisfied?

-Yes. In every way.

No need for smut. Give me five grand, just to live on.

It looks like my fortunes

are turning.

What does an event like this mean to you?

It means I can't be at home

in my pants getting drunk.

Not many people get the chance to delight Sting, do they?

-Warwick hasn't bid yet.

-Sting grassing me up.

-I'm here with Big Keith from The Office. Keith...

-It's Ewan.

Sorry?

Big Keith is just the character name, I'm actually nothing like him.

Sorry, Ewan, of course. So, does this charity mean a lot to you then?

Good. And, obviously, it's a great cause.

And you'll be hoping that the auction raises a lot of money?

Yes.

OK, great chat, thanks very much for that.