Episode 7 Life's Too Short

This programme contains some strong language

Hi, Amy, er, it's Warwick here. I just want to say sorry

about what happened at the party the other night. Um, I'm an idiot.

Give us a call back sometime.

Thanks, bye.

This is the amount we've arrived at.

-Bloody hell.

-It's like looting!

We feel it's a fair reflection of what Sue is owed,

given your years together and the sacrifices she's made.

-Sacrifices?

-She gave up her career to help with yours.

She didn't do a very job, cos his career's at rock bottom.

Don't say that. What career did you give up?

I wanted to be a nurse.

Oh, come on! Do we really need any more nurses, really?

And you're not cut out for that sort of work.

I am, but you didn't want me to do it

because you thought it would be bad for your image.

Well, it would have. You can't have a film star whose wife spends her days emptying bed pans.

You don't see Brad Pitt with a wife who's a nurse.

"Hi, Brad, how's it going?" "Fine. I just won an Oscar."

"How's Angelina?" "She's great. She's just sticking a pill

"up an old man's arse." It's ridiculous.

Whatever your feelings, we'll give you 48 hours to consider,

or we shall have to take you to court.

Your face...when he said...

Oh... Sorry.

It's a little bit awkward, this.

Um, I don't want to put you on the spot

but I'm getting a bit desperate.

I wonder if you could maybe give me say five grand, just to live on?

You know, treat it like a charity donation.

But you're not a charity, Warwick.

As good as, you know. Got no work, no money.

You know, I am a charity case, really.

I know you do loads for charity so just, just treat me as one.

I do do a lot for charity. I've raised millions this year already.

Steve, though, doesn't do anything, ever.

He could probably give you five grand.

Let me tell you the problem there, let me tell you the problem.

I've got a blanket rule about never giving money to...

-Anyone.

-To anyone.

-Yeah.

-Friends, family.

-Loved ones.

-Loved ones. You know what I mean,

anyone I've ever encountered, so...

-I give too much away.

-Too generous.

-I'm too generous.

-He's not generous, he's a skinflint.

-Nothing.

You won't get anything out of him. There's nothing we can do.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

Oh, Warwick, come on, you can't go round begging for money.

You're an actor and a businessman.

I know, there's just no work. I mean, the phone has stopped ringing.

-I bet your phone is always ringing.

-Yeah, and I hate it.

It's usually someone asking me to do something I don't want to do. I've got to do a thing for Sting

next week, hosting a charity auction, because he calls

and I can't say no cos it's for charity.

Just cos he wants to save the world, we've all got to.

And I bet he's going to bring his fucking lute.

-He's never without it these days, is he?

-Always with his lute.

I know. I had a party last year, right, and invited him, OK.

I said to the cloakroom staff, if he brings his lute, take it off him,

say you've got to have it. So he came with it, they took it off him,

he was a little bit crest-fallen, and we're sitting round,

and he was fidgety, and after about half an hour,

out of his top pocket, he'd smuggled in some pan pipes.

So he played those, so I couldn't win.

Be grateful the phone's not ringing. It might be Sting.

Oh, I'd love to meet Sting.

-Right.

-Is there a way you could get me an invite to that event?

Yeah, I'll get someone to get in contact with you.

When did you have a party?

-I knew you'd say that. You were away.

-Where was I?

You were down in Bristol, um, you had that sore throat

so you went home to your mum for a whole week, so that's...

It was way more than a sore throat, it was a proper major tonsillitis attack, like barbed wire in there.

-You couldn't have possibly gone to a party.

-Nasty.

-It'd be nice to be invited.

-Your mum wouldn't let you go,

-not with that...

-It'd be nice to be invited and then say, "Sorry, I can't make it."

Just doing a typical day's admin.

What's that letter you've got there?

It's a letter from the offices of Sting.

Wow! From the offices of Sting? Oh, please read it.

Out loud!

"Dear Warwick, as you may know, I'm an ambassador

"for the Global Child Institute, the anti-poverty charity

"that works for the world's poorest children."

-I wasn't aware of that, Sting, thanks for telling me.

-"I'm hosting a dinner

"to raise money and awareness for our cause.

"I'd be delighted if you could attend."

Course I'll attend. Not many people get the chance to delight Sting.

"It'll be a fun evening,

"giving you the chance to mingle with the stars

"while supporting the vital work of the Institute.

-"Yours, Sting."

-Huge honour.

That's one of the perks of fame.

I suppose all the other stuff, the press intrusion,

the paparazzi, being under the microscope 24/7,

you know, it's worth it when you get something like that.

Someone that you admire says "Yes, I'm also a huge fan of your work,"

and invites you to dinner.

-It's £300 a ticket.

-Three hundred pounds?

Yeah.

What an honour, though. Huge honour.

And if Sting personally invites you to dinner, who cares what it costs?

I don't think he's invited you personally.

It's just a standard letter, isn't it?

Look, that's his signature there, isn't it?

He's signed it and there's my name written in,

amongst the typing. And three hundred pounds,

you'd expect to pay that in a top restaurant.

-I wouldn't.

-They wouldn't let you in a restaurant that charges £300,

so don't worry about it. Here's a cheque.

Get that in the post, please, and frame that.

It says you need that to get in.

That's what I need to get in.

Yeah, hi, Amy, it's, it's Warwick again.

I've left a couple of messages, don't know if you got them.

I'd really like to talk to you, so give us a call back.

OK, bye.

Oh, did I say it was Warwick?

You have to cut back. You can't afford three grand for the flat.

-I need somewhere to live.

-Yeah, but you've got to downsize. I'm serious.

You owe the taxman a quarter of a million pounds.

-And this £300? What's that all about?

-That's a ticket to a charity night.

-Charity? Oh!

-It's important, all that stuff, you know,

it's good for networking. There'll be film and TV people there.

Raise the profile, and if I get a job off the back of it,

a good film role or something, then we're home free.

Well, you know, I'm glad you're still smiling. Got to smile, haven't you?

If you didn't, you'd hang yourself.

-Then you wouldn't have all these debts.

-Mm.

Mm. Would you be better off dead, financially? Yes.

Don't listen to me, though, I got you into this mess. (CHUCKLES)

Be difficult for you to hang yourself, cos you couldn't reach the rafters to hang a rope up, so...

-Odd thing to say, isn't it?

-It's a bit of no-no, isn't it?

-Definitely.

-You could put your head in the oven.

-What?

-You could get IN the oven, put the gas on, close the door,

nice and cosy.

You could do pills. Oh, no, they have those little childproof lids.

Take it off for you, the least I can do.

I'd probably balls that up, wouldn't I? Oh dear!

I'm useless, aren't I?

-Aren't I?!

-Yup.

-I'm the one who should kill myself, really.

Tell you what, let us know when you gas yourself,

I'll come round and get in with you, eh?

Oh! Mm, I'm actually getting genuinely depressed now.

Oh, I'm going to be like this for a couple of days, I think.

Oh, I hope I'm not like this when I go to the divorce court.

I'll probably just go, "Oh, give her the lot, I don't give a shit."

Good. Thanks for this little pep talk(!)

-ANNOUNCER:

-Ricky Gervais.

Our host, Sting.

-Can I see your invitation, please, sir?

-It's Warwick Davis.

I need to see your letter of invitation.

It's Warwick Davis, actor. Can you just check your list, please?

Jill, is there a Warwick Davis on the list?

-Where's your invitation?

-I haven't got it, staff have lost it.

-You need it.

-I haven't got it, but I have paid £300,

-so do you have a record of that?

-Yes, there's a Warwick Davis

on the list, but how do we know that's you?

Look at my face.

-What about it?

-I'm a famous actor.

I don't know you from Adam. Do you have ID?

-I don't have ID, didn't know I needed ID.

-It says on the invite you need ID.

I haven't got the invite, have I? Put Warwick Davis into Google.

What's the first website that comes up?

"Warwick Davis: Where Is He Now?"

Not that one, that's just some prats.

Look at the Internet Movie Database.

"I met Warwick Davis and he's a total bell end."

-Don't go to the forums! Why are you in the forums?

-I think it's him.

I mean, look at these comments. Who'd pretend to be him?

-Look at that one.

-Jesus!

-I can see what they mean though.

-Yes, the head. Oh, let him in.

What's the worst he can do?

Thank you.

-Sophie Ellis-Bextor.

-Hi, guys.

-Sophie, over here, please.

-Over here, Sophie.

Warwick Davis.

Hot in here, innit?

It is hot, yes. Phew.

OK, guys, got enough?

-ALL:

-Yeah.

Don't get me on the way out. I'll be worse for wear then!

Warwick, thank you so much for your support.

Nice to see you.

I know you probably do loads for charity already.

-Yeah, hell of a lot.

-I don't want to miss this opportunity

of asking someone like you, with your showbiz millions, for a favour.

-Yeah?

-What are the chances of me getting you to sponsor a child in India?

Yeah. Yeah, not a problem.

This is Kalindi.

Great. Yeah. What, what's the usual donation?

-Five pounds a month.

-Five pounds? Yeah, sure.

I would think, with your money, £30 a month would be more appropriate.

-Thirty pounds?

-Warwick, £30, we spend that on daily pedicures!

-Definitely. Yeah.

-Well, sometimes when we earn big money,

we have to give a little back.

Quite a lot back, let's be honest, thirty quid a month.

-I just fill that in here, do I?

-Right here, yeah.

-Ah, yes, I see.

(CLEARS THROAT) Let's see...

(Just filling it in...)

How long would you sponsor a child like this for?

-Usually till they're eighteen.

-Eighteen?

-How old is she now?

-She's seven.

Seven? Wow! A lot of them don't live till they're eighteen, do they?

That IS the tragedy.

Mm. So she might not last till she's, I don't know, twelve?

-Well, with your help, she will.

-Will she?

-Mm-hmm.

Good. That's good, isn't it?

OK.

Um, what are the big killers out there?

-Dysentery.

-Dysentery.

So, you know, she could get dysentery any time and,

-and that's...

-Well, again, not with your money.

-Really?

-We can supply her with clean water.

-Good.

So she's not going to die, which is obviously good news for her,

and I'm going to end up giving some kid I've never even met £30

a month till she's eighteen,

so four grand down plus the £300 I spent on a bit of beef.

It's another good day for me(!) Where do I sign, Stingbo?

Just there.

-ANNOUNCER:

-Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ricky Gervais.

-Thank you, thank you.

Yes, thank you very much and welcome to this charity auction,

which basically means that anything you bid for you'll pay about five times as much as it's worth.

That's all that that means. Right, let's get on with it.

OK, this is a big, slimy purple thing.

-Is it Charlie Sheen's liver?

-LAUGHTER

Start the bidding at £100. £100.

Thank you. Anyone two hundred?

Thank you. It'll look good on you. What I am bid? Six hundred.

Seven hundred.

Yes, a thousand pounds from the lady at the back.

-Thank you so much.

-APPLAUSE

Next up, here's a nice one.

Eleven thousand pounds!

APPLAUSE

Gentleman at the back there, thank you, sir.

This is the last lot.

This is a meal for ten people at a top,

Michelin-starred restaurant in Mayfair.

-ALL: Ooh!

-Yes. OK, so anyone who hasn't bid yet?

This little fellow hasn't bid yet. What's your name?

-Warwick Davis. We've met.

-Warwick hasn't bid yet.

Sting, grassing me up. You're not actually in the police, you know.

-Start at five hundred?

-£50, surely, to start with?

-You know, work our way up.

-Five hundred.

-One thousand.

-Well done, very generous, that's terrific.

-£1,500, Warwick?

-You said bid, you didn't say I had to win.

-Are you in?

-He's in.

-Sting, getting involved again.

-£2,000.

-£2,000, thank you. £3,000?

It was going up in 500s a minute ago, now it's 1000s. Can we have some consistency?

Four thousand, Sophie?

No, sorry, I'm out.

What do you mean you're out? Come on, let her have it.

Look how thin she is, she could do with the meal more than me.

It's on Warwick at three thousand. Going, going...

-Just like my money.

-Gone!

-APPLAUSE

Good. Wife's getting me house,

Sophie Ellis-Bextor's stitched me right up

and little Kalindi's loaded now.

There's always some skinny bird bleeding me dry.

-Hello.

-Oh, hello.

-I'm Warwick.

Nice to meet you, Warwick. Congratulations on your winning bid.

Just wondering if perhaps you wanted to join me for the dinner.

That's really sweet of you.

-Ten places and everything, so...

-I really appreciate it,

-I'd love to, that's lovely.

-That's terrific.

-Can I bring my husband?

-So there'll be two of you?

-Yeah.

Broken down, it's £300 per ticket, so, that'll be £600,

and that's at cost. I'm not making anything.

-Sorry, you're charging me?

-Yeah, I mean, it's just...

You know what, take people that you really want to be there.

Your mum, she was my favourite Blue Peter presenter.

Nice to meet you.

Michelin-starred restaurant. Three hundred pounds.

-You're selling them?

-You're selling it now?

-£300 each.

I'm not making anything on that, that's cost price to both of you.

I'd love to have you there.

It's not offloading! It's really just sort of sharing the generosity.

-Three hundred pounds per seat.

-Warwick, can I have a word with you?

-Course you can.

-I don't know how to broach this,

but I've been told you've been bothering people for money.

I've not been bothering people, I've been collecting for your charity.

No, as I understand it you've been asking people to donate to you.

-It's still going to charity.

-I'm grateful for your contribution,

but you're asking for money for yourself.

-I'm trying to recoup my losses.

-It's inappropriate to scrounge money.

You're the one scrounging if anyone is.

I spunked £300 to get in here, three grand on a meal I don't even want,

and four grand to some kid in India so she can live better than me.

I mean, it's madness!

I'm sorry you feel that way but you can't go round scrounging.

Oh, take your lute and your stupid made-up name

and fuck off back to Newcastle, you coconut-headed git!

GUESTS' CHATTER STOPS

Oh, NOW they're taking pictures!

Fucking Sting! His real name's Gordon!

Yeah, that's it.

So, had to move out of my flat for various reasons.

-You can't afford it, can you?

-Can't afford it because of you.

But, yeah, well, I've got a prime location here

so I thought I'm going to use it and popped a bed in over there.

-That is pathetic.

-You're pathetic.

What are you doing?

-Nothing.

-You can't move in here.

-Well, why not?

-Because I'm the landlord and I say so.

-It's my office.

-It's a place of business, not a squat.

-What, I can never sleep here?

-No.

What if I was working late and I felt tired

-and I just went over to my bed?

-Not allowed.

What if I was working late and fell asleep at my desk

but I climbed on it first?

-No sleeping here. You have to get your stuff out.

-Brilliant!

OK, well, saves me unpacking, doesn't it?

Now officially homeless. Cheers, mate.

What are you looking at?

You can stay at my mum's house if you like.

There was a time about a week ago when I'd have sneered at that

but yeah, I'll take you up on that offer, thanks.

Mm.

Excuse me.

Fuck's sake!

Happy?

Hiya.

-Hi.

-I called a few times, probably didn't get the message.

No, I did.

Weren't going to call back?

-I'm sorry, it won't happen again.

-But I feel like it will happen again.

It won't, I promise.

I have to go.

Please call me.

Maybe.

Please call.

Finally, it looks like my fortunes are turning.

-You explain, it was your...

-Yeah, well, I felt I wasn't

really pulling my weight, so I've been burning the midnight oil

and went through my old law textbooks.

Yeah, he studied one term of law school.

Yeah I did, still got the books. That one hadn't even been opened!

I read through them and I found something.

-A juicy little detail.

-Yeah, juicy little detail in this one.

The Law Society Guide to the Professional Conduct of Solicitors.

Principle 15.5, "A solicitor who becomes involved

"in a sexual relationship with a client should consider

"whether this might place his interests in conflict with those

"of the client, or might otherwise impair the solicitor's ability

"to act in the best interests of the client."

What we're talking about here, people,

is a major conflict of interest, OK?

Ian Wald is sleeping with my wife AND acting as her solicitor.

-It's not on.

-Not on.

-So in about an hour, right,

we've got another meeting, to sign the divorce settlement.

Going to go in there, I'll take a look at it

and I'll say um, "Sign here do I?

"Oh, lovely pen, shame it ain't going to be used today,

"cos I'm draging you in front of the Solicitors Complaints Bureau.

"You're getting disbarred for unethical behaviour."

-Someone just messed with the wrong midget.

-Correct.

Dwarf, you can't say midget.

-Why not?

-I don't know.

Yes, that's, er, that's fine.

Everything seems to be in order as we discussed.

Do you have a pen?

Thank you.

Nice pen.

-It is a nice pen.

-Lovely pen.

It's just a shame it ain't going to be used today.

Do you hear that?

It's the sound of justice slicing through bullshit.

I put it to you that your relationship with your client is not purely professional

but has become one of a romantic and sexual nature.

-What has this actually got to...?

-Objection.

-Overruled.

-Don't overrule me!

-Sorry, that's a knee-jerk reaction.

If I hear objection, I say overruled.

Didn't even get that from law school, I got it off the telly!

Sir, I ask you again, would you characterise your relationship

with your client as being one of a sexual nature?

Yes, but it's not relevant.

It's not relevant? May I refer you to exhibit A?

Where's the post-it?

Oh, sorry, there was some chewing gum I had to get rid of.

I can see where you're looking.

-How!

-All the greasy thumb marks.

Oh, yeah, from my fish and chips! He's like Sherlock Holmes!

Right, so you are aware of the Law Society's Guide

-to the Professional Conduct of Solicitors?

-Yes.

"A solicitor who becomes involved in a sexual relationship

"with a client should consider whether this places his interests

"in conflict with those of his client or might otherwise impair

"the solicitor's ability to act in the best interests of his client."

Case closed! How do you plead?

Warwick, my client isn't you, it's Sue,

so there's only a conflict of interests if she says there is.

-Do you feel there's a conflict of interests?

-No.

-No. So this is irrelevant.

-Ah, ha-ha, of course.

She's his client, you're mine. Yeah, that makes sense. My bad.

Oh well, it was worth a try. No skin off my nose!

Do you have another one of these to sign cos I ripped this one up?

There.

So, that's settled then.

We came to an agreement.

She's got half the house and she bought my half

which all went straight to the taxman to pay that off.

So, financially, I'm at nought.

No money, no house, no work to speak of.

Not bad for 41 years on this earth, is it?

CHUCKLES

Why is that funny?

You're so serious!

-I just lost everything.

-LAUGHS

(Such an idiot.)

This is your room.

There's not much space.

It's sort of a spare room. We dump all of our junk in here.

-There's no bed.

-No, I know. No room, too much junk.

HE BURPS

It really annoys me when I see famous people interviewed

and they get asked, "Any regrets?" and they say "No, no regrets.

"I'd do it all again exactly the same."

I wouldn't, I'd change a lot. I wouldn't have the phone stop ringing

after the big films dried up, for a start.

I love acting.

I wouldn't have my marriage fail, I regret that.

It hasn't been easy being three foot six, if I'm honest.

I've had to fight every step of the way.

But my biggest regret at the moment

is surely that I'm living in a drawer.

I could never have predicted that.

PHONE RINGS

It's Amy.

Hello?

No need to be sorry. It's me that should be saying sorry.

It's good to hear from you.

No. I'm fine, yeah. Just staying at Cheryl's at the moment.

You know my assistant, yeah? No, she's let me use the spare room.

No, it's fine, it's comfortable.

So how are you doing?

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