Episode 3 Live at the Apollo


Episode 3

Stand-up comedy from the Hammersmith Apollo. The sometimes controversial Frankie Boyle introduces sets from Simon Evans and Aisling Bea.


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Transcript


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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,

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Frankie Boyle!

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CHEERING

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Hello!

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AUDIENCE: Hello!

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Hello and welcome to Live At The Apollo.

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I'm quite surprised that they've let me on as well,

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if that's any comfort.

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HE LAUGHS

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I've got a lovely theatre,

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I've got two fantastic comedians to introduce to you tonight,

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I've got a lovely audience to talk to...

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I looked right into your eyes when I said that, mate. How you doing?

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You have made an effort there, haven't you, man?

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You have made an effort with the Peaky Blinders hairstyle there.

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And it's like putting 26-inch rims

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on a wheelie bin.

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We've got some famous celebrities to talk to tonight.

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And some not-so famous.

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Some of the celebrities here tonight,

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when I was researching the show, I had to start their Wikipedia page.

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There are celebrities in here who don't get asked

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to turn on the Christmas lights

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in their own house.

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You're talking about people who are 18 months away

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from being quite a tricky tie-breaker in a pub quiz.

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I'm only kidding. We're got some, er, famous faces in.

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Who have we got? We've got Jameela Jamil.

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How you doing, Jameela? You all right?

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It's exciting for me, cos you present the Radio One Chart Show.

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You get to tell the nation what is number one every week.

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And the only way that could be more exciting, I think,

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would be if it was 20 years ago,

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when anybody gave a shit.

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Who else have we got? We've got people from Holby, haven't we?

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We've got Hugh Quarshie. Where's Hugh? Hugh, how you doing?

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You're a fantastic actor. You've been in the RSC and everything.

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You've been in Holby for a long time, right, so I have a theory

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that if someone had a heart attack over here, we could whisk you over

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and just suck all of the drama out of the situation.

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We had the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow this year,

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a great choice of venue.

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A place where people think that hepatitis B

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is a vitamin.

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I don't really trust these big sporting occasions, you know?

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The Olympics - a lot of that stuff is just for rich people.

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Dressage. Yachting.

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I don't remember that at school.

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-POSHLY:

-Yachting tomorrow class so remember, bring in your boats.

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A lot of people find the Paralympics inspiring.

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I just found it depressing.

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I can't throw a discus

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and I've got arms.

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Oscar Pistorius. Pistorius, to me,

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sounds like a spell that Harry Potter would say

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to make your legs drop off.

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When he gets out of jail,

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his next girlfriend is going to get ready in a hurry.

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"I thought you were running a bath?"

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"No, I just threw some dungarees on. Let's go!"

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I hope a jail bully steals his legs,

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walks about being nine foot six.

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I don't like the Commonwealth

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cos the Commonwealth is the old British Empire.

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It's called the Commonwealth because Britain

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stole all those countries' wealth and then went, "Come on!"

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The whole Empire was founded on cocaine.

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Everybody was on cocaine. The remedies had cocaine in them.

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Queen Victoria was on cocaine.

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And not the shit you take!

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You've never done a line and gone,

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"Let's invade India!"

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We had the referendum up in Scotland.

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It was won by the No Campaign and Alistair Darling.

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I thought it'd be good if when he won,

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Alistair Darling's eyebrows had finally turned into butterflies.

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And he wasn't even able to look surprised about it.

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David Beckham sent the people of Scotland an open letter.

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An open letter because he couldn't work out

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how to get it into the envelope.

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People said that during the campaign that I was anti-English.

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I couldn't be more pro-English.

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I thought the best thing for independence would have been

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if England had won the World Cup.

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Cos you would have been so unbearable

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that we would have to leave.

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Whatever happens next, I think

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it's important that Scotland does something

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that puts England on the back foot, something that England won't expect.

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And the last thing that you're expecting

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is for us to form an Islamic Caliphate.

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IS - Independent Scotland. We can do this.

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OK, we'll have to learn how to treat women slightly better,

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but we can change.

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I think people don't understand enough

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about international politics, do they?

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In Scotland, people think that Nato

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is just a nickname you give to a guy who lost a foot to diabetes.

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-Keep up.

-HE LAUGHS

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Ed Miliband came up for the referendum.

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Now I'm going to go out on a limb here

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and say I don't think Ed Miliband will win the election.

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Because if he can't persuade his own face to do what he tells it to...

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Ed Miliband said he wanted to militarise the Scottish border.

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Can you imagine being a Scottish border guard,

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having to do cavity searches

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just to keep your hands warm.

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Holding back the English refugees at Newcastle.

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Newcastle being the first city in history

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that turned into a refugee camp,

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and got less mental.

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-IN NEWCASTLE ACCENT:

-Well, things are actually a lot more civilised

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now that we're ruled over by a horse militia.

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Do you know what people in Scotland want?

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What they really want in my experience is they want

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transport to run normally in the winter through three feet of snow.

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That's all they ever moan about -

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"Why isn't this train moving through the snow?"

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But what you really want is for the pilot to come over the intercom

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and go, "Well, I've been told that it's not safe to take off,

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"but I thought, let's give it a go."

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We live in a kind of porn culture now. Don't we?

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You see that thing on porn search engines, where it goes,

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"Make this your home page."

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Who does that?

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Who wakes up in the morning, switches their computer on,

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is confronted with hardcore pornography and thinks,

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"I'm home!"

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Animals don't watch porn, do they?

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Unless you include my cat.

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I think what it's led to...

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It's led to men not really understanding

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what sex is like for women any more.

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I often think it must be more intense

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to let someone inside your body.

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I feel awkward just letting the gas man into the hallway.

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I feel awkward just talking about sex cos I'm so old

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and disgusting I have a body like a dropped lasagne.

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I'm 42 and I now ejaculate with all the force

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of Mary Berry's icing piper.

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I honestly think I'm so old

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that I couldn't even be viewed sexually any more.

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I think if I walked down the street

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with my hand down the front of my trousers,

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people would just assume that I was rummaging for a dropped toffee.

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If you get offended by any jokes tonight, by the way,

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feel free to tweet your outrage

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on a mobile phone made by a ten-year-old in China.

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Cos that's what Santa Claus does the other 364 days q year.

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He travels round the world

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apologising to all the children who actually make the presents.

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"Sorry about that, Wo Ling Ho.

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"Still, tea break's over. Back to work, son."

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People say that Steve Jobs died too soon.

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But I think it was a fitting metaphor

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for his company's attitude

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to battery life.

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I hope that they buried him in a coffin

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with a great big crack in the lid.

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Twitter's good, though, isn't it? I enjoy Twitter.

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Before Twitter came along, if I wanted to be called

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a wanker by a stranger, I had to go out for a walk.

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Do you know what gets me on Twitter?

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Those wee biogs people have where they put the most banal,

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depressing summations of themselves.

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"Tea drinker, that's me in a nutshell.

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"I like to drink a cup of tea." "Foodie, I eat food."

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I want a burst of honesty in one of those boxes.

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"I was brought up in an atmosphere of such violence that

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"I could never truly love anyone.

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"The only person who loved me I rejected, and during my ensuing

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"mental breakdown, I got a nutcase pregnant.

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"I also drink tea."

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I'd never even understood that Twitter was a bird metaphor,

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even though it's got a bird as the icon and they're called tweets.

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I think the reason I'd never worked that out is I've never

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gone to the park and had a little robin redbreast turn round

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in its nest and tell me that it hopes that my kids die

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because I made a joke about Michael Schumacher.

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It was actually a very gentle joke about Michael Schumacher.

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I mean, thank God he's better and everything,

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but at the time I tweeted,

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"The only hope for Michael Schumacher is

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"if his brain is repaired overnight by elves."

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So it was actually a very light-hearted Elves And The Shoemaker joke.

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You can't please all of the people all of the time, can you?

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Some people just get offended by a word!

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They don't want a word in a joke.

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"No, ban that word." I can train a dog to get angry at a word.

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"Rover, Jehovah's witnesses."

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People should be more sophisticated.

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Different words mean different things to different people.

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You say Snapchat, I say speed wank.

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Then there's the thing called phenomenology.

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Phenomenology means that the joke can't take place in my mouth,

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if you think about it, it has to take place in your head,

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so it's often better in your head because you add to it.

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I had this a couple of weeks ago.

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I helped an old guy across the road in Glasgow.

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He went to me, "Help me across the road, son,

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"I've got aids in both ears."

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HE LAUGHS

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Read a thing that said a woman died after drinking 18 litres of Coke.

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She ate a packet of Mentos

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and they found her head three miles away.

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Piers Morgan says that women send him knickers through the post.

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Presumably with the message,

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"From one twat to another."

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I don't really understand TV, to be honest.

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I don't understand why Ant and Dec go to the jungle every year

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when it's the only place that's hot enough for Ant's head to hatch.

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I don't understand why Alan Sugar looks like

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he's been cleaned out of someone's belly button.

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I'd love to see how big Alan Sugar was if you ironed him.

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HE LAUGHS

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There's a thing that happens to you, I think, in your forties

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as a man where you suddenly realise that you're a dad.

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And not in a good way. You realise that you're a 42-year-old

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father-of-two who says lame dad stuff.

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And you will never be cool again.

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And this happened to me last week. I was in Covent Garden

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and I was trying to cross the road at the traffic lights.

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There was a guy beside me, a beautiful male model.

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A Californian guy. A beautiful man.

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And because he was American, he was looking the wrong way into traffic.

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And he stepped out in front of a moving car.

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And I grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back

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onto the pavement and he had no idea how close he'd come to dying.

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And he said, "What was that car's problem?"

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And I went,

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"Look both ways, Zoolander!"

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Do you know what my kids got me for Fathers' Day?

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They got me that shower gel, mint tea tree gel.

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No-one had warned me about that.

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I thought my arsehole was going to burst into song!

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They always say, don't they, when you're telling your kids off,

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stay positive.

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Don't be too negative. And I agree with that.

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But sometimes you're standing there thinking,

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"I don't see anything positive about this.

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"You have shat on my rug...

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"and I am struggling to find an upside."

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You can't hit your kids, obviously, but there's nothing that says

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that you can't tamper with the brakes on their heelies.

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My son's six now so it's actually quite difficult to punish him.

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What I do is I tuck his bedclothes in really, really tight

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and hope that he has a nightmare

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where he's trapped in a giant's pocket.

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I think it's sad when people medicate their children

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for behavioural problems, when it's so much easier

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to just drug yourself.

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You know the saddest thing?

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You spend the first year teaching them to say Dad.

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"Say Dad, Daddy, Dada."

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And now they're like, "DAAAAD!"

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And I'm like, "Shut up, will you?

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"I'm on Tinder trying to find us a new mum."

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We're bombing Iraq now. We're calling it humanitarian bombing.

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There's no such thing as humanitarian bombing, is there?

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It's always about oil or power. Not humanitarianism.

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That's why you never get stopped by someone in the streets saying,

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"Hi, I'm from Oxfam and for just £12 a month,

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"we could really blow the shit out of something."

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And who are we blowing up? IS?

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Remember last year they said, "Oh, we need to bomb Syria.

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"Help the rebels. They're the good guys."

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Who were the rebels? IS.

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The same people. They've gone from being loved

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to hated and despised in a year

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and they haven't even had to win the X Factor to make that happen.

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Britain as a culture runs on hypocrisy.

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David Cameron went to Sri Lanka.

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He told the Sri Lankans off for human rights abuses

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that they committed with weapons that Britain sold to them.

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Like Ronald McDonald calling you a fat bastard.

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We sent Prince Harry to Afghanistan,

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because when you want to teach people about democracy,

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you send them a prince!

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You teach them about peace and democracy

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by having a prince shoot at them from a helicopter!

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-You ready for your first act, ladies and gentlemen?

-CHEERING

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Please, give it up and show a lot of love

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to Aisling Bea!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Hello!

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Hello, The Apollo, are you well?

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CHEERING

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Oh, I'm delighted. I'm delighted to be here, really.

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Because I actually haven't been well recently.

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-AUDIENCE: Aw!

-Oh, no, stop it.

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Honestly, I don't want to talk about it... Er, but if you insist...

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I really haven't, though, so that's why I'm delighted to get here today.

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I was rushed to A & E recently with terrible abdominal problems.

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Just hideous pains all up and down my tummy and around my sides.

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And I was rushed to A & E and for about three hours I thought,

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erm, and anyone here who ever read a magazine as a teenager

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will know what I mean, especially the girls,

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I thought that I was about to have a surprise baby.

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You know the way there's always stories in the magazines going,

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"Well, everything was normal. Nothing was different.

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"Everything was regular but then I went to the toilet

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"and I looked in the toilet

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"and there was a baby in the toilet.

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"I'd had a surprise baby."

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There was always that sort of... And that's what I thought it was.

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But, erm, you'll be happy to know that actually it was, er...

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I'm bringing sexy back,

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a gut infection.

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A gut infection.

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But the worst part of, of the whole situation was

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that the doctor in A & E was really, really handsome.

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And I just... I think

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doctors who are handsome should be struck off, I really do.

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Er, I want someone with a sort of mashed potato head

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that I could feel at one with.

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But instead, this man was really handsome. He said to me,

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"Oh, er, what seems to be the problem?"

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And I was like, "Oh... Well, doctor, my problem is that...

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"I'm too cute!

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"Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Chase me! Chase me!"

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How could I tell him that I thought I was having a surprise baby

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or else I was waiting for a poo? I mean, I couldn't, you know.

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"And once we find out which one it is,

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"do you want to go for a drink?"

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It's really quite terrible.

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By the way, you might notice that I talk quite fast

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and if I'm honest, it's not really going to slow down too much

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so you'll have to sort of jump on the Vengabus of enthusiasm

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and beep the horn with this one.

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I think that the reason I talk quite fast is

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because I was brought up in the countryside, in the deepest,

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darkest countryside where there was no-one for miles and miles around.

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Just this giant expanse of land with no-one to talk to

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and it was very, very lonely.

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You'd have no-one to speak to during the day.

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A very backwards existence, lads.

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Like, our clothes are made of mud...

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..our hats were made of leaves,

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we had no access to things like Pot Noodles,

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we just had to sort of pour boiling water on top of birds' nests

0:19:400:19:44

if we didn't feel like cooking one evening.

0:19:440:19:46

A really backwards existence. And crows everywhere, crows...

0:19:460:19:50

In the city, there's pigeons everywhere

0:19:500:19:52

but in the countryside, there's crows everywhere

0:19:520:19:54

and it makes everything you do seem really ominous.

0:19:540:19:57

You'd open the window and it'd be like, "Bwak! Bwak! Bwak!"

0:19:570:19:59

"Oh, that seems a bit ominous."

0:19:590:20:01

You know, you'd be standing innocently over

0:20:010:20:04

a dead body in a field...

0:20:040:20:05

"Bwak! Bwak! Bwak!" "Oh, God, this seems a bit ominous."

0:20:050:20:10

But the reason that I think I talk quite fast is

0:20:100:20:12

because I'd have no-one to talk to during the day

0:20:120:20:15

and so some days the only person you'd have to talk to

0:20:150:20:18

would be a passing car flying along the road.

0:20:180:20:21

So you had to learn to talk fast if you wanted to talk to anyone. You'd be like...

0:20:210:20:25

-QUICKLY:

-"Hi, how's it going?" "Come back and talk to me."

0:20:250:20:27

"Do you like my new dress?" "Stay and be my friend."

0:20:270:20:30

Some days, you'd be waiting for a tractor to come along,

0:20:300:20:32

cos you get more time out of a tractor, you see.

0:20:320:20:34

You get to talk to them for longer. You'd be like, "Hi, how's it going?

0:20:340:20:37

"Do you like Sesame Street? I like it. You do like Sesame Street?

0:20:370:20:40

"Sometimes I think Big Bird might not be a big bird, but he might be a man in a suit.

0:20:400:20:43

I know it sounds bad but I have my suspicions. Goodbye! Come back."

0:20:430:20:46

Also, I talk quite a lot and I don't really notice myself doing it.

0:20:480:20:53

The words come out and I don't see them happening.

0:20:530:20:56

It's a symptom I like to call Secret Talkers,

0:20:560:20:58

which I base on the Channel 4 show Secret Eaters.

0:20:580:21:02

I'm not sure if you've ever seen that programme.

0:21:020:21:04

For those of you who haven't, it's basically, well, someone

0:21:040:21:08

comes along and goes, "Oh, I don't know why I can't lose any weight.

0:21:080:21:12

"All I do all day is eat lettuce,"

0:21:120:21:14

and they put a camera on them then for a week and then

0:21:140:21:17

they go to them afterwards, they go, "Do you know what it is, now?

0:21:170:21:20

"Do you know every time you have lettuce, you have a gateau."

0:21:200:21:22

"Oh, that's probably..." "Yeah, that's probably what it is, yeah."

0:21:250:21:28

But the doctor did get quite worried about me.

0:21:300:21:32

He was like, "Aisling, you're going to have to get out of the house

0:21:320:21:35

"during the day."

0:21:350:21:36

And I was like, "Doc, I'd love to,

0:21:360:21:38

"but my naps are not going to take themselves. Soz."

0:21:380:21:42

Erm, but my, er, my mother was equally worried, she was like,

0:21:430:21:47

"Aisling, try and get out of the house and maybe do some exercise.

0:21:470:21:51

"Build up your strength and your muscle. Do a bit of exercise."

0:21:510:21:54

But I actually find it highly offensive

0:21:540:21:56

that my mother would suggest that I do exercise,

0:21:560:21:58

because she knows that I actually suffer from a terrible disability

0:21:580:22:02

which prevents me from doing any exercise

0:22:020:22:04

which is where I can't, erm...

0:22:040:22:06

I can't, er...

0:22:060:22:08

be arsed!

0:22:080:22:09

I can't be arsed. I really just can't be arsed.

0:22:090:22:14

I just kinda can't be.

0:22:140:22:15

And I would love to be arsed.

0:22:150:22:17

I would love to be one of those people who's naturally arsed

0:22:170:22:19

to do things but I just sort of can't be.

0:22:190:22:22

And, I mean, my disability affects me in so many ways.

0:22:220:22:26

Erm, my ability to clean the bottom of the dustbin.

0:22:260:22:29

Er, ring my aunties back at Christmas.

0:22:290:22:32

I would love to, but I just sort of can't be arsed to, unfortunately.

0:22:320:22:37

I mean, I just don't like moving too much.

0:22:370:22:39

I would sort of rather sit on the couch and waste away...than move.

0:22:390:22:43

I don't really like moving too much. I don't even listen to sad music

0:22:430:22:46

in case I'll be moved.

0:22:460:22:47

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

0:22:470:22:50

And I think the reason that I don't like exercise

0:22:500:22:52

is because the school I went to didn't have much money,

0:22:520:22:55

so the sports facilities weren't great.

0:22:550:22:57

And so a lot of the sort of sport and exercise we used to do,

0:22:570:23:01

used to leave us really, er...

0:23:010:23:03

pregnant. Really pregnant.

0:23:030:23:05

So the habit's just not there.

0:23:060:23:08

It really isn't, and I would love to be...

0:23:080:23:10

I would love to be into exercising and stuff but I just can't be arsed.

0:23:100:23:13

I'll be honest.

0:23:130:23:15

Erm, and you know, people... I did get, er, tricked

0:23:150:23:17

into going to a Pilates class,

0:23:170:23:19

because I thought it was pronounced Pilots.

0:23:190:23:21

I was there for about 15 minutes going,

0:23:210:23:23

"I wonder when they're going to let us fly the planes?"

0:23:230:23:25

Er, my friend, Brona, suggested that I do something social

0:23:270:23:30

like ping pong, table tennis.

0:23:300:23:32

Ping pong ta... I mean, I just... The ball moves too fast.

0:23:320:23:35

I can never see it. To me, ping pong just looks like two perverts

0:23:350:23:38

spanking a ghost.

0:23:380:23:39

Just don't understand it.

0:23:410:23:43

My flatmate Steph is American.

0:23:430:23:46

She's American and she's always doing this thing called running.

0:23:460:23:49

Running, has anyone here ever heard of running?

0:23:490:23:52

For those of you who don't know what running is,

0:23:520:23:54

it's something that you would naturally do only

0:23:540:23:56

when you're being chased and I don't understand it.

0:23:560:23:59

Steph is always just going for a run.

0:23:590:24:01

She's always just going for a run.

0:24:010:24:03

Unless I'm being chased by something terrible,

0:24:030:24:05

there's no natural panic in my legs that makes me want to go any faster

0:24:050:24:09

than this, a sort of whimsical saunter, that's kind of grand by me.

0:24:090:24:13

But Steph's always just heading out the door, going for a run.

0:24:130:24:17

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-"Hey, I'm just going to go for a run, go for a run,

0:24:170:24:20

"I'm just going to go for a run." Steph gets such a buzz

0:24:200:24:23

out of going for a run that two days later,

0:24:230:24:26

she'll do it again.

0:24:260:24:28

I'd love to have, like, American-style confidence.

0:24:320:24:35

You know, like... Are there any Americans in?

0:24:350:24:38

-CHEERING

-Do you see what I mean?

0:24:380:24:41

"Wah! I'm on my own but I don't care." Look at that, I love that.

0:24:410:24:44

American-style confidence.

0:24:440:24:46

"Whoo-hoo!" Americans just have this confidence from the absolute

0:24:460:24:51

gut of their culture. They just back themselves.

0:24:510:24:53

Americans took men and they sent them as far away as the moon.

0:24:530:24:57

In Ireland, we're like,

0:24:570:24:59

"Jesus, lads, it's a long, long way to Tipperary.

0:24:590:25:02

"That's a long, long way to go.

0:25:020:25:03

"I mean, I don't think we could make it there.

0:25:030:25:05

"I don't think we could make it anywhere."

0:25:050:25:08

Oh, by the way, I'm Irish.

0:25:080:25:10

-CHEERING

-Oh!

0:25:100:25:12

The family's in, they must have found somewhere to park the van.

0:25:120:25:15

But, yes, I was going to use it as a surprise reveal at the end

0:25:170:25:20

but no, I'll tell you now, I am actually Irish.

0:25:200:25:23

But, yes, the most confident American I ever did see was

0:25:230:25:28

the rapper Kanye West.

0:25:280:25:30

Not to be confused with the Nobel Laureate, Kanye West.

0:25:310:25:34

He did a gig a couple of weeks ago where he was

0:25:340:25:37

so confident that in the middle of his gig,

0:25:370:25:39

he stopped the song and said, "Everybody stand up.

0:25:390:25:42

"Everybody stand up."

0:25:420:25:44

He said it in his own accent, not in an Irish accent, believe it or not.

0:25:440:25:47

Kanye West of Ireland.

0:25:470:25:49

But he's like, "Everybody stand up," and he refused to do the song

0:25:490:25:52

until everybody stood up, including two people in wheelchairs.

0:25:520:25:55

You can watch the clip online.

0:25:560:25:58

Apparently, he was so confident that even

0:25:580:26:00

the two people in wheelchairs were looking at each other going,

0:26:000:26:02

"I mean, maybe we should just give it a go."

0:26:020:26:06

"Maybe what's been holding us back

0:26:060:26:07

"all this time has been a lack of confidence."

0:26:070:26:09

Do you know what I get a buzz out of?

0:26:120:26:14

Sitting down.

0:26:140:26:15

Holler!

0:26:160:26:18

I love sitting down.

0:26:190:26:20

I do, I love sitting down, I even tried to do this gig sitting down

0:26:200:26:23

but they said they couldn't legally classify it as stand-up.

0:26:230:26:26

Hi-oh!

0:26:260:26:28

Erm, but, yes, I really do love sitting down.

0:26:290:26:32

You know the way you always hear those stories

0:26:320:26:34

in the tabloids about those men who are found

0:26:340:26:37

sat down in a chair, dead and alone, and they hadn't been found for days

0:26:370:26:43

and they were sat there, covered in their own wee. Oh, no!

0:26:430:26:48

What those stories never mention,

0:26:480:26:50

is the smile on that man's face.

0:26:500:26:52

But my mother, er... My mother said to me, she was like,

0:26:540:26:58

"Aisling, if you don't start doing exercise

0:26:580:27:02

"then you could end up becoming fat-thin."

0:27:020:27:05

And I said, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph and all of his carpenter friends,

0:27:070:27:12

"what is fat-thin?"

0:27:120:27:15

"Oh, Aisling, I read about it in a woman's magazine."

0:27:150:27:17

A women's magazine. The only targets in women's magazines

0:27:170:27:20

are other women.

0:27:200:27:21

"Fat-thin, is where you're thin

0:27:210:27:23

"but you're secretly fat cos you don't do any exercise.

0:27:230:27:28

"You can also be thin-fat, fat-fat,

0:27:280:27:30

thin-thin, too fat, too thin,

0:27:300:27:33

"thin in the wrong place, thin in the right place,

0:27:330:27:35

"fat in the wrong place, fat in the right place,

0:27:350:27:37

"but no matter what you do no, matter what you try,

0:27:370:27:39

"you are definitely wrong!"

0:27:390:27:43

And I said, "Mother, as if I don't have enough problems

0:27:440:27:47

"in my life trying to walk down the street at night and not get raped,

0:27:470:27:50

"trying to live in a society where 25-year-old women

0:27:500:27:52

"are sticking plastic and poison in their faces

0:27:520:27:54

"so by the time they get to their forties and fifties,

0:27:540:27:56

"they've nothing left to do to themselves

0:27:560:27:58

"but pull out their eyeballs and stick babies' eyeballs in instead.

0:27:580:28:01

"We live in a world where it's a tragedy to die young

0:28:010:28:04

"so we're all pumped full of stuff to make us live longer

0:28:040:28:06

"but no-one wants to do anything as unnatural as look older.

0:28:060:28:09

"'Oh, no, wouldn't that be mad to look older and be older?'

0:28:090:28:12

"So we're all pumped full of stuff to make us live longer

0:28:120:28:14

"but we look younger so by the time we die aged 100 in a box

0:28:140:28:16

"we look like we've died tragically young.

0:28:160:28:18

"We live in a world where they have developed telephones,

0:28:180:28:21

"without plugs that can send a picture of a cat

0:28:210:28:24

"from one side of the world to the other side of the world

0:28:240:28:27

"in under a second

0:28:270:28:28

"and they are still trying to come up with faster telephones,

0:28:280:28:31

"yet still after 200,000 years of humanity,

0:28:310:28:33

"we have not come up with a better way to have a baby child

0:28:330:28:36

"than to push something the size of a bowling ball

0:28:360:28:40

"out my tiny hole!

0:28:400:28:43

"And now I have to worry about being fat-thin?!"

0:28:430:28:46

I said, "Go shove it up your floop, Mother!"

0:28:490:28:51

I didn't actually tell my mother

0:28:530:28:56

to go and shove it up her floop.

0:28:560:28:57

Erm...

0:28:590:29:00

I agreed to go to a Zumba class.

0:29:000:29:02

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been absolutely lovely,

0:29:040:29:06

I've been Aisling Bea. Have a fantastic evening!

0:29:060:29:08

Give it up for Aisling!

0:29:140:29:15

CHEERING

0:29:150:29:17

Now I know what you're thinking, English people.

0:29:210:29:23

You're thinking, "I'd like an English voice to come on

0:29:230:29:26

"so I could stop translating your Scottish accent in my head

0:29:260:29:30

"before I got the jokes."

0:29:300:29:32

Er, you're in for a treat, ladies and gentlemen,

0:29:320:29:34

please welcome a very funny and very dry English comedian,

0:29:340:29:36

Mr Simon Evans!

0:29:360:29:39

CHEERING

0:29:390:29:42

Thank you.

0:29:470:29:48

Thank you very much. Good evening. How are you, you well?

0:29:490:29:52

CHEERING

0:29:520:29:54

Delighted to be here, I really am.

0:29:540:29:56

I should explain one thing before I go any further,

0:29:560:29:59

I am not a very mobile comedian.

0:29:590:30:01

I'm aware I've got a large stage and a very large auditorium

0:30:010:30:04

and yet I will not be addressing the extremities of the front row

0:30:040:30:08

to any degree whatsoever. I do apologise, it's nothing personal.

0:30:080:30:11

I actually have a medical condition which warrants this immobility.

0:30:110:30:15

I went to see a doctor about it quite recently. Indian chap.

0:30:150:30:18

Well, they called it Indian chap, it's just nappy rash, really,

0:30:200:30:22

but it's...

0:30:220:30:23

I'll tell you a little bit about myself.

0:30:250:30:27

I'm 49 years of age. I live on the south coast with my wife

0:30:270:30:30

of 14 years - that's the period in which we've been married, obviously.

0:30:300:30:34

Best to make that absolutely clear in the current climate.

0:30:370:30:40

I met my wife about 14 years ago.

0:30:420:30:44

We got married quite quickly,

0:30:440:30:46

unfortunately we left it too late to have children.

0:30:460:30:48

But we went ahead and had them anyway,

0:30:480:30:50

which was a mistake in my view, but there we are.

0:30:500:30:52

Couple of children. We've had... We've had an interesting trajectory,

0:30:530:30:57

through the British Isles. I met my wife...

0:30:570:30:59

I'd just bought my first flat - it was just north of King's Cross,

0:30:590:31:02

rather disreputable area in north London.

0:31:020:31:04

Famous red-light district. And it was true, we had prostitutes

0:31:040:31:08

right outside our own front door which is...

0:31:080:31:10

handy, some of you are thinking.

0:31:100:31:12

But, believe me, you don't want to shit on your own doorstep.

0:31:130:31:17

Which is a service they offer, incidentally, and, er...

0:31:170:31:20

I was shocked, to be honest, by how brazen they were.

0:31:230:31:26

I suppose you have to be in that line of work,

0:31:260:31:28

but I came out of my door one day, a woman came up to me and said,

0:31:280:31:31

"You looking for business, love?"

0:31:310:31:33

I was quite clearly dressed for tennis.

0:31:330:31:35

It was embarrassing, but then she's plucked up the courage to make

0:31:350:31:38

the first move and I'm a gentleman, so it's a difficult situation.

0:31:380:31:41

They were a distraction to tradesmen as well. I remember very clearly...

0:31:440:31:47

I ordered plasterers in to do the place up

0:31:470:31:49

when we were trying to sell it.

0:31:490:31:51

Well, I looked in the Yellow Pages for plasterers, I think

0:31:510:31:53

I may have ordered piss-takers by mistake.

0:31:530:31:56

They would be next to each other alphabetically, I assume, and...

0:31:560:31:59

400 quid a day for what is essentially

0:31:590:32:01

glorified cake decoration.

0:32:010:32:03

Spent most of that time sitting on the front wall chatting up

0:32:050:32:07

prostitutes and talking about somebody called Rigsby,

0:32:070:32:10

as if I'm supposed not to guess who they're talking about.

0:32:100:32:12

Few of you remember that.

0:32:140:32:16

I've been told throughout most of my life I resemble Leonard Rossiter

0:32:160:32:19

when I speak. I don't know if it's true, I have one or two...

0:32:190:32:21

I get it a lot, you do when you're a stand-up comedian.

0:32:210:32:24

I've heard one or two more flattering ones, one woman told her I reminded

0:32:240:32:27

her of Ralph Fiennes, another that I reminded her of Sting,

0:32:270:32:29

who is a twat, but a handsome twat, so I'll take it.

0:32:290:32:32

Within a week, somebody else had told me I reminded them of Sandi Toksvig.

0:32:330:32:37

Shortly after that, I began to experiment with the beard,

0:32:390:32:42

but, erm...

0:32:420:32:43

It's interesting. I mean, I quite like gritty, urban areas,

0:32:460:32:49

to be honest. It makes your own life seem quite desirable by comparison.

0:32:490:32:52

King's Cross certainly fitted that bill.

0:32:520:32:54

A lot of homeless people on the streets,

0:32:540:32:56

or possibly just outdoor lager enthusiasts. But they seemed to be...

0:32:560:33:00

very committed to it if they did have a home to go to.

0:33:000:33:02

As a rule, I don't want to tar them all with the same brush,

0:33:040:33:06

although if you sleep on the road

0:33:060:33:08

that will happen sooner or later but...

0:33:080:33:09

I do think it's a bit ironic the favourite drink of the homeless

0:33:110:33:14

should be a beer called Tennent's.

0:33:140:33:16

That must rankle, mustn't it?

0:33:180:33:20

The trick is, as it is with all commerce, of course,

0:33:240:33:26

is to make people think they're buying into a lifestyle

0:33:260:33:28

they can't really afford and we all fall for it at every station in life.

0:33:280:33:31

I myself, I recently bought myself a divers' watch.

0:33:310:33:34

Ridiculous affectation. I have no need for it.

0:33:340:33:36

It's covered in dials, good for up to 100 metres of water pressure.

0:33:360:33:39

It's got a shark-resistant strap.

0:33:390:33:41

I think to be honest, if all he wants is your watch,

0:33:420:33:44

it's probably best to let him have it, really.

0:33:440:33:46

I'm no expert but they're fairly ferocious negotiators, aren't they,

0:33:480:33:51

the old sharks?

0:33:510:33:52

I think only a fool would allow an argument to escalate over a watch.

0:33:520:33:56

"Can't seem to bite through this. I know, I'll try the arm."

0:33:570:34:00

I don't know. Never faced a shark. The only diving I ever do,

0:34:030:34:06

it's considered very bad manners to check your watch.

0:34:060:34:08

Must admit, the luminous dial has come in handy but that's...

0:34:130:34:17

That's more coincidence than planning.

0:34:170:34:19

If I'm 100 metres deep, I'm getting out of there, which of course...

0:34:210:34:23

..is unlikely to happen cos I'm a happily married man,

0:34:240:34:27

so let's be clear that that's an entirely hypothetical scenario.

0:34:270:34:30

I am happily married and I made a good choice of wife.

0:34:330:34:36

She actually moved in as a lodger initially.

0:34:360:34:38

I remember it was about 13, 14 years ago.

0:34:380:34:40

My wife moved in as a lodger.

0:34:400:34:43

And one week the rent fell a bit short and one thing led to another

0:34:430:34:45

and, er...

0:34:450:34:47

There we were, in a dance as old as time.

0:34:490:34:52

That's what you had to do in the days before internet dating, you see,

0:34:520:34:55

set a bit of a honey trap.

0:34:550:34:56

"Cash point at this time of night around here?

0:34:580:35:01

"I shouldn't think so, no..."

0:35:010:35:02

But it was wonderful, to be honest,

0:35:070:35:08

it was a lovely time. It was a golden age.

0:35:080:35:10

You don't always know you're living through them

0:35:100:35:12

but looking back I remembered she was very accommodating.

0:35:120:35:15

My job isn't the easiest for somebody to accommodate.

0:35:150:35:17

I'd get home late at night,

0:35:170:35:18

but she'd be waiting with a bottle of wine, that was nice.

0:35:180:35:21

Sunday mornings she'd let me have a lie-in.

0:35:210:35:23

We might share a pot of coffee over the Sunday papers

0:35:230:35:25

then walk hand in hand through a craft market, something like that.

0:35:250:35:29

Looking back, it sounds a bit shit, I realise, but...

0:35:290:35:31

..at the time, filtered through the haze of romantic infatuation,

0:35:320:35:38

it seemed very agreeable, so I proposed and she accepted.

0:35:380:35:40

We got married. She said, "Let's start a family."

0:35:400:35:43

I said, "Of course, darling." Because I didn't think it through.

0:35:430:35:46

Next thing you know, you're running a small, badly-funded

0:35:460:35:49

correctional facility together, aren't you?

0:35:490:35:51

That's all it is.

0:35:520:35:54

However much various commercial organisations dress it up.

0:35:540:35:57

Imagine you started a small business with somebody.

0:35:580:36:01

It goes well. You move into profit. You open a second branch.

0:36:010:36:03

Everything is going swimmingly.

0:36:030:36:05

Suddenly one day, they turn to you and say, "This is good.

0:36:050:36:07

"What do you say we get a troupe of baboons in to run the post room?

0:36:070:36:10

"That's the equivalent. Let's see how that goes."

0:36:130:36:17

I'm sorry, I can't pretend otherwise.

0:36:190:36:20

I resent their presence in my life. I do. They are...

0:36:200:36:23

They are nice enough kids,

0:36:240:36:27

objectively,

0:36:270:36:28

but why do they have to live with me? It makes no sense at all.

0:36:280:36:30

And I refuse to feel guilty about these observations.

0:36:330:36:35

For most of recorded history, my views have held sway.

0:36:350:36:38

You look at the Victorian era

0:36:380:36:39

when most of the important parts of London were built,

0:36:390:36:41

when we used to double our GDP every three years

0:36:410:36:44

and held dominion over dozens of other nations to which

0:36:440:36:46

we had no legitimate claim whatsoever through sheer force of will and guns.

0:36:460:36:51

Partly because it was understood across all sections of society,

0:36:510:36:55

children are a nuisance until they are a resource.

0:36:550:36:58

This was the primary governing

0:36:580:37:00

philosophy of parenting, if you like.

0:37:000:37:02

If you had money, you sent them away to be educated far away.

0:37:020:37:05

They were sent to a boarding school or whatever it was.

0:37:050:37:07

Most of the year, they'd come home for about

0:37:070:37:09

three days at Christmas time, be looked after by a governess.

0:37:090:37:12

You weren't formally introduced to your son

0:37:120:37:14

until he was at least 12 years of age,

0:37:140:37:16

could carry on a decent conversation about foreign

0:37:160:37:18

policy at the dinner table instead of endlessly informing you as to

0:37:180:37:21

whether or not he likes effing peas on this occasion.

0:37:210:37:23

No, these are not the ways we parent now.

0:37:260:37:29

Having children has a massive impact on your life.

0:37:290:37:31

We're through the worst of it now, but I remember very clearly...

0:37:310:37:34

The worst of it...

0:37:350:37:37

I remember when Matilda was about three and Edward was nothing.

0:37:370:37:40

Edward was nothing, as indeed Matilda was for an entire year

0:37:400:37:43

and I never shied away from saying as much, either.

0:37:430:37:45

It's three months, two days and four hours - ridiculous.

0:37:450:37:48

He's nothing.

0:37:480:37:49

It's a logical fact.

0:37:510:37:52

He's yet to be one, therefore he's nothing.

0:37:520:37:54

He's not a fraction, is he, for God's sake?

0:37:540:37:56

People get offended by that.

0:37:570:37:59

We were living in Brixton at the time, I remember

0:37:590:38:02

social services were informed on one occasion.

0:38:020:38:05

We lived in Brixton, so they didn't come, but they...

0:38:050:38:07

..they sent us a leaflet.

0:38:100:38:12

Two, actually, one on parenting and one on numeracy, but...

0:38:130:38:16

Just in case.

0:38:170:38:18

But when they were young, life was intolerable.

0:38:200:38:22

There was a TV show on at the time, it was a few years ago now,

0:38:220:38:24

Calum Best, well-known playboy and bon viveur.

0:38:240:38:27

Self-diagnosed sex addict, Calum Best.

0:38:270:38:29

They often are self-diagnosed, you find.

0:38:290:38:32

But he was taken seriously by MTV, at any rate.

0:38:320:38:34

He was challenged by MTV to see

0:38:340:38:36

if he could go without sex for 36 days, I think it was, and the cameras

0:38:360:38:41

would track him as he attempted this superhuman feat of self-deprivation.

0:38:410:38:46

36 days he would wander, Jesus-like, in the sexual wilderness.

0:38:460:38:49

No doubt many of his fans were anxious.

0:38:490:38:50

All I could think was, "If going without sex for 36 days is worth

0:38:500:38:54

"his own TV show, my sex life is

0:38:540:38:55

"worth its own effing channel right now."

0:38:550:38:58

I go 36 days between wanks. Even those...

0:38:590:39:01

are rarely completed on the first attempt before somebody is

0:39:010:39:05

hammering at the bathroom door, wants a nappy changed or some nonsense.

0:39:050:39:08

I'm getting a shed, nice little garden potting shed.

0:39:100:39:13

My grandfather had one, I never saw the appeal, but I get it now.

0:39:130:39:16

The convenient masking aroma of the compost...

0:39:190:39:21

..handy little pots...

0:39:240:39:27

spiders' webs for target practice. And I've got one now as well.

0:39:270:39:30

I have, I have secured my shed.

0:39:320:39:34

It's important to keep the kids out of it, obviously,

0:39:350:39:37

but the trick to doing that is not to forbid them from going in there,

0:39:370:39:40

it's to actually threaten them WITH the shed.

0:39:400:39:43

That works much more successfully, I've discovered.

0:39:430:39:45

I actually call it the ghost shed and at birthdays and so on,

0:39:450:39:48

I lock a child in there and it starts to get dark after

0:39:480:39:50

a couple of hours and they get really quite spooked out. It's marvellous.

0:39:500:39:53

I've also told them about the Fox, who I've told them

0:39:540:39:57

has made his home in the shed.

0:39:570:39:58

It's a fairly obvious fiction, there is no Fox.

0:39:580:40:01

It's not the most inventive name I could have come up with

0:40:010:40:04

for an escaped psychopath and child catcher,

0:40:040:40:06

but it works and if they do get in there, that will at least explain

0:40:060:40:10

the old pile of whisky bottles and pornography that they find, so...

0:40:100:40:13

But I try and be young.

0:40:150:40:17

I try and be young for the children. I allowed a dog into our house.

0:40:170:40:20

About a year ago, not just for the day, I mean we bought a dog.

0:40:200:40:24

I'm not that harsh. It was against my inclinations, I have to say,

0:40:240:40:27

to be honest, but, er, 12 months on and I wish we'd done it years ago.

0:40:270:40:31

Because then it might be dead by now.

0:40:310:40:33

It has been without doubt the most catastrophic decision,

0:40:370:40:39

but this is my wife's doing again. My wife is very pro-active.

0:40:390:40:42

She likes to see things happen.

0:40:420:40:43

She is adventurous and she likes to take on projects.

0:40:430:40:46

She went to Trail Finders, I think,

0:40:460:40:47

and came back with a brochure entitled The Parks.

0:40:470:40:50

A huge thing, about an inch thick.

0:40:500:40:52

Detailing all the amusement parks you can visit in Florida

0:40:520:40:54

if you're so minded. You've seen the advertisements on the television.

0:40:540:40:57

I was watching one with my wife.

0:40:570:40:58

Two children, about the same age as ours,

0:40:580:41:00

little tears of joy and wonder springing in their eyes

0:41:000:41:03

as they gazed up at the fireworks exploding over the princess castle.

0:41:030:41:06

My wife turned to me and said, not as you might expect,

0:41:060:41:09

"Christ, will you look at that shit? Can you believe it?"

0:41:090:41:11

Unaccountably, she said, "You know, our kids would love that,

0:41:120:41:15

"but they're getting to the age where it would be perfect.

0:41:150:41:17

"Soon it will be too late. Matilda will be a teenager.

0:41:170:41:19

"There will be sarcasm and eye rolling.

0:41:190:41:21

"If you want to give them that experience, it's now or never."

0:41:210:41:24

And I thought, "Great, so never is an option, right?"

0:41:240:41:26

But it turns out, no. In fact, that was a rhetorical device.

0:41:290:41:32

The correct answer is now.

0:41:330:41:35

I thought, "Well, this doesn't look like my cup of tea

0:41:350:41:38

"but the kids will love it, I suppose.

0:41:380:41:39

"How bad can it be, really?

0:41:390:41:41

"It'll be no worse than visiting a fairground

0:41:410:41:43

"on an uncomfortably hot day

0:41:430:41:44

"and chucking four grand in a bin on the way out." That's roughly...

0:41:440:41:48

That's roughly what I was braced for.

0:41:480:41:50

In reality, it is actually far worse than that.

0:41:550:41:57

More like eight grand, by the time we were finished.

0:42:010:42:04

But also the heat, the humidity, the confusion, the jet lag,

0:42:040:42:06

which I hadn't factored in, my general state,

0:42:060:42:08

my mood was not a good one.

0:42:080:42:10

I remember it was on about the fourth day in some un-nameable park

0:42:100:42:13

and I was really about to lose my rag with some furry-faced idiot

0:42:130:42:15

who I didn't even recognise from any movie I've ever seen,

0:42:150:42:18

who'd allowed me to stand in the wrong queue for half an hour,

0:42:180:42:21

when I felt a little tug at my sleeve and I looked down

0:42:210:42:24

and there was my son, Edward, four years of age as he was at that time,

0:42:240:42:27

and he looked up at me and he had tears sparkling in his eyes,

0:42:270:42:29

just like in the advert.

0:42:290:42:31

And he looked up at me and he said, "Daddy...

0:42:310:42:32

"..this is bollocks."

0:42:330:42:35

It makes my heart swell even telling you the story now.

0:42:390:42:42

I'm not sure it wasn't worth eight grand just to have it confirmed.

0:42:420:42:45

It's a DNA test with a bit of polish on it, that was.

0:42:470:42:50

That's all from me, folks. You've been a wonderful audience.

0:42:500:42:53

Thanks very much indeed. Take care. Thank you, good night!

0:42:530:42:55

CHEERING

0:42:550:42:57

Mr Simon Evans there, ladies and gentlemen!

0:43:030:43:05

CHEERING

0:43:050:43:07

Thank you. You've been a fantastic crowd.

0:43:100:43:12

Let's hear it for the two acts we saw, for Aisling and for Simon!

0:43:120:43:15

CHEERING

0:43:150:43:18

You all take care of yourselves, Britain.

0:43:180:43:21

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