Episode 4 Live at the Apollo


Episode 4

Riotously funny Jon Richardson hosts this evening of stand-up comedy from the Apollo, joined by Sara Pascoe and Nathan Caton.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,

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Jon Richardson!

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Hello there!

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Greetings, Apollo. Are you well?

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AUDIENCE: Yeah! Good.

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Thank you for coming.

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I hope you enjoy yourselves.

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So, who's around?

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We have musicians here. We have...

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Lee Ryan is here from Blue. CHEERING

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How are you? Good. I'm all right.

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And Tinchy Stryder is here, as well, isn't he?

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There he is.

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The sunglasses on indoors, you cool sod(!)

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Trendy.

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Took your hat off, I appreciate that.

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I'm into, uh... I'm into a sort of type of music.

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I don't know if you guys know it, it's sort of sub, urban music.

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Uh...suburban music, we call it.

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LAUGHTER Pretty cool shit.

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I've got a new single coming out called

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It's Like That - But We Can Have It Changed If You're Not Satisfied.

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You've got to fight for your right to represent your local pa-a-a-arty.

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Pretty cool.

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Rachel's here. Hello, how are you?

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Rachel does the numbers on Cats Does Countdown

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because we can't let Jimmy do them, can we?

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All come out the same, wouldn't they?

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LAUGHTER

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Anyway, thank you all for coming. I hope you have a wonderful evening.

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But not too good, er,

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cos Britain's the only country you sort of have to quantify that

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because in most countries, when you say, "Have a good time,"

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people mean enjoy the thing we're doing, but in Britain

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that means, "Drink until you're sick in the morning."

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There's a really unique approach to fun we have,

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where, if you don't remember it while you're puking into a toilet,

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then you might as well have not done it, to be honest.

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I've got to a point now with my drinking, where, obviously,

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I'm not going to eliminate it altogether,

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cos you need some alcohol to survive...

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I'm just trying to sort my...

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Limit my drinking so I don't get hangovers any more.

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I'm sick of having hangovers,

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because what a hangover is is your stomach

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saying to the rest of your body,

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"Would you just piss off, please?!

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"Nothing comes down here

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"until I deal with what you did to me last night."

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LAUGHTER

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GROANING: "Ooh...

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"You don't even like Malibu!"

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"Three of them down here at two o'clock in the morning...

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"Arsehole!"

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At which point your arsehole will say,

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"Don't bring me into this."

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"I'm still dealing with the kebab he had on the way home."

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LAUGHTER

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I like this time of year.

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This is the time of year I like

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because the drinking sort of tempers now.

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Cos we're getting to winter now, it's getting dark.

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People don't go out in winter, do they? They stay in and eat stew,

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and they cry. I like that. LAUGHTER

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Emotionally, I feel at one with that,

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you just cut up a swede and leave it in a pan for four hours.

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"No, you stay in there until you offer no resistance whatsoever, you!

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"Chewing was for the summer, I'm exhausted by life now."

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Just mush it in so I don't die in the cold months.

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In summer I really struggle.

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What happens in summer is people go out and they do stuff

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and they have opinions on it.

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Tends to piss me off a little bit, that kind of thing.

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And you realise the carnage that is created...

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Cos in my lifetime, I would say I only remember sort of...

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The last two summers are the only ones I remember

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where it's been sunny for, like, a week at a time.

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You used to get that, you'd open the curtains and you'd go,

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"Oh, there's sunshine, look! Let's have a barbecue."

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And your partner would say, "It's only half seven in the morning."

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You'd say, "I know, but let's have a breakfast barbecue,

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"cos there's clouds coming and otherwise we'll miss it,

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"so let's just set fire to the shed and put a sausage on it, please!

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"Ah, it's raining now. Don't matter."

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"You've ruined it. Good summer, that one(!)"

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Now you have summer and you know you're in trouble

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cos you turn the weather on in the morning and the weather people are outside

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showing you the weather is real, so that you can believe it.

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Carol Kirkwood's there going, "Hello! I'm outside, look.

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"That's the sunshine, very nice, isn't it? Very hot.

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"Not too hot, I'm not dying, you know, it's quite far away.

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"It's sort of temperate, it's nice...

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"You're thinking, 'Very well for you,' but cos it's so far away,

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"it's not just on this field, it's everywhere, it's on all of us.

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"Go outside. I know it's Monday and you've got work, but don't worry,

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"it'll still be sunny on Friday, OK?"

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And that's the bit where we all go, "I beg your pardon?

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"Still sunny on Friday, you said, is it? The day when I go out

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"and get pissed anyway, I can do that outside now, can I?

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"I'll start e-mailing people now."

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And whatever city you live in,

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that's where you e-mail people the venue to meet.

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I live in London, here...

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which, obviously, I'm not from London, you can tell by my accent I'm from the North.

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But you're not allowed to be a comedian in the North,

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I have to move to London, and when the Queen's not looking, I'll steal a bit of gold,

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and one day I'll move back up North and build a house with it. And then I'll go,

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"Ee, it's him what left, he's come back wi' t' gold!"

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LAUGHTER

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"For t' building houses with, let's make 'im t' king."

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Yes, I live in the North, but I live in London now.

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What happens is, everybody goes to the river.

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We all accumulate on the river when it's sunny.

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There was a day last summer, everybody e-mailed each other Monday morning and went...

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COCKNEY ACCENT: "'Ere, mate, you seen the burty bevver?"

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Don't know the rhyming slang for "weather", I haven't checked.

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It's close enough, isn't it?

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COCKNEY ACCENT: "Burty Bevver, played for West Ham, 30 goals. Legend!"

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LAUGHTER

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"Yeah, yeah, I seen it, mate.

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"Sunshine, innit? Funshine, do it up the bumshine. Wehay!"

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LAUGHTER

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"Y-You coming down the river Friday night, mate, five o'clock?"

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"Yeah, I'll see you there at four, mate.

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"Work through lunch, 4pm." "Yeah, nice one. See you.

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"Apples and bananas, two for a pound, wehay!" LAUGHTER

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Successfully e-mailed.

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This e-mail went across London, I don't know how they did it.

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You must be able to put into the e-mail address bar, "Everyone at desks."

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LAUGHTER

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Swept London. So they all congregated Friday night at the river,

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but the last line of this e-mail was, "PS, don't tell Jon."

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Uh... LAUGHTER

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Went to my gig, didn't I?

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Nobody turned up. They were at the river. But that doesn't stop me.

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I'll quite happily shout into an empty room about myself for two hours,

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spitting bile onto empty chairs.

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Come out to Waterloo about 11 o'clock to get home

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and just have never seen carnage like it.

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I've seen drunk people,

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I've never seen a whole city shit-faced before.

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And you know everyone's drunk

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because there are no two people together.

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No-one can coordinate to walk alongside one other person.

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Veering off individuals,

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grown men just smashing into train station walls

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cos they've seen Harry Potter and they know that one of them... Doosh!

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Doosh!

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One will open up to that magical world where there's that girl,

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where she's not old enough in the films but she is now, so it doesn't count.

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LAUGHTER Doosh!

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People's limbs have stopped working, they're just dragging themselves

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across the floor, hoovering up chips. HE GOBBLES

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The biggest problem I had is...

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No-one has left the city all day, no-one's left London.

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So this train now that's about to leave is heaving

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in a way that I've only ever seen in documentaries set in the third world, you know?

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There's that one train a year and if they don't get on it, they ain't feeding their families.

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So they're on the roof and they're in the coupling...

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That's happening at London Waterloo, strangers, adults,

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hanging onto the outside of trains like that...

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waiting for the train to leave.

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And the police, they're saying, "You can't actually travel like that, mate,

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"on the outside of the train there."

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Sensible people saying, "Oh, God. Tunnels and that. Kill myself, wouldn't I?

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"Ha-ha! What am I like?!" LAUGHTER

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Not pissheads... "You do one, pig!" HE HICCUPS

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"I'm touching the train, I'm on the train."

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LAUGHTER

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I'm not going to get home, I ain't getting home tonight, that's what's happening.

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I realised there was one train left.

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I thought, "If I don't get on that, that's it.

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"When they announce the platform, I've got to be the first there.

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"I've got a good chance, cos when they announce it, I'm the only one here who can still read."

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LAUGHTER So they announce the platform. Not only do I get to the train,

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I'm the first one there for the whole train,

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which means I get my choice of every seat on a train,

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which would freak many out - they don't know which one they want.

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I know exactly what seat I want.

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I want two together, but I don't want someone to sit next to me.

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I don't want to put my bag on the seat, I'm too much of a coward.

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When you put your bag on the seat, eventually someone comes and goes,

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"Excuse me, could you move that, please? Yes, yes.

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"Thought you could have this, but I'm here now, the alpha,

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"so you can just... My seat.

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"I'm just going to touch you with that leg, as well, how's that?"

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LAUGHTER

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SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE

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"That's my arm rest, you get off, I'm having that one.

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"You have that shitty little half one there under the window,

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"that's yours."

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So I'd just picked the two worst seats on the train.

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"That'll do me, the two seats that nobody else will want."

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What you do - you walk along the train

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until they've joined two together but there's no divide.

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So all these people are stuck in this bit.

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Go in this door here, don't go on forward with your momentum,

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just pivot round like that

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and there's a little pouch of seats here that nobody notices.

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And look for the table here.

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Don't sit at the table, everybody wants the table.

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Sit just behind the table.

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People see the table's free, they move on.

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There's two seats here facing backwards.

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Most people don't like to face backwards, makes them feel sick.

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Sit by the window so people assume there's someone there, too.

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"Yeah, go on, keep walking, mate. This is mine."

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Got on my seat. I thought, "I've nailed this."

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Curled myself up into a little ball of self-righteousness.

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Stone-cold sober, hating it.

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People get on the train, drunk, enjoying themselves, winding me up.

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Right. Just before we pull out of the station,

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something hits the back of my chair. It's definitely a human head.

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I can tell by the weight of it and the sound.

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It's either someone who's passed out, or more excitedly,

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someone who's running for the last train and thinks,

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"Shit, I'll miss the last train. Maybe if I cut my head off and throw it on the train..."

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LAUGHTER

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"..get my head back, and then roll back to the flat, call a taxi

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"and collect my body."

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It's not. It's the first one, just a girl who's just "boosh!" - passed out.

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Can't move any more.

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I think, "How did she even get on the train?"

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I can't look round to find out cos I'll make eye contact

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with someone and they'll think I want to talk. "Oh, you got a face.

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"I've got a face, mate. I was born in Bermondsey, actually."

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LAUGHTER Oh, Jesus.

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You just sit there, curled up. Luckily, I find out what's happened

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because a man announces the history of the evening to us all.

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A big South African businessman, he is.

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He's carried her onto the train, right.

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He's not getting this train, so he needs someone to help her off it,

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which, for me, all he needs to do

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is tap these two people here, doesn't he?

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"Could you help this woman off the train, please?

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"I don't know if you can see that, but she's absolutely annihilated!"

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MOCK LAUGHS "I'm not actually going to help, I'm leaving now. She's yours.

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"OK, take care. Cheerio now. B'bye."

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He doesn't do that cos he realises

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if he announces to the carriage what he's done, we'll think,

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"He's carried a lady onto the train, what a fine gentleman.

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"I shall applaud him and carry him wherever he's going."

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So instead, he shouts to all of us,

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AFRICAN ACCENT: "Somebody's got to help this woman off the train, please!"

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SCOTTISH ACCENT: "I've carried her as far as I can, but I can do no more!

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SOBBING: "What a world, what a world..."

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Born in South Africa, he's travelled.

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LAUGHTER

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Very accurate that was.

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Anyway, I hated him.

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He's the first individual I take time out to hate.

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And I'm good at hate, it's my skill.

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If it was a superpower, that'd be my thing, hating people.

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I can see the back of someone's head for half a second, then go, "Dickhead."

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"Who was that?" "Oh, he's gone now, but he's a dickhead, I know he's a dickhead."

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I hated this guy for two reasons.

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First of all, you're not helping this girl, are you?

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You're pretending you are, but you're not.

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If she's that drunk, she's better off back with her friends or with the police.

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She's not better off hurtling towards Portsmouth at 100mph.

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Nothing against Portsmouth - a fine place - but if you wake up there and you don't live there,

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that is a problem for you, isn't it?

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Anyone here, if you woke up there tomorrow,

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your first thought wouldn't be, "Well, what a fine opportunity

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"to explore the historic harbour side of Portsmouth."

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You'd think, "Shit! I'm in Portsmouth."

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Second of all, if we trace back why this girl is that drunk,

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it's probably cos an hour ago he was in a bar with her

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and he liked her, but he knew his personality was abhorrent,

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so what he did instead, every time she asked for a drink, he got her a larger one.

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They left together, the air hit her and she passed out.

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And he thought, "Oh, I'd better put this one on the train, I broke it."

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LAUGHTER

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He's not a hero, is he? He's an arsehole.

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He's just dumping a drunk woman on a train, right, so I hated him, right.

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But then these two people here - I hate them cos they bailed him out.

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They went, "Oh, that's OK, we'll get her off the train."

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And I hated them, just for getting involved.

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And also because they're drunk, as well.

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What's happened is they're drunk,

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but she's more drunk, so they've sobered up.

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"Oh, is she drunk, is she?

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"Don't worry, we only had the 12 Jagerbombs, you see, so..."

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"We'll take care of this.

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"Do be careful there, I pissed there a little bit, OK?"

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LAUGHTER

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Here's how good I am at hate, as well.

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At the same time as I'm hating them for getting involved,

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I'm simultaneously hating everyone else for not getting involved.

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That's really top-level hatred, that is.

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"There's a woman in distress here and you did nothing -

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"this country's gone to the dogs."

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He gets off the train, I start to calm myself down,

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we're rattling along, five minutes into the journey

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and I'm almost back at base-level hatred, which is still quite high.

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And I hear the noise from behind me of a sort of semi-thick liquid

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hitting the floor from about three or four feet.

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I think, "She's never having a can of soup..."

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LAUGHTER

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That's a bold snack for a train, that, isn't it?

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Heinz Big Soup, I would say, from the sound of that.

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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It's not that, is it? She just chundered.

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She chundered. "Blergh!"

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She wakes up chundering on a train she doesn't remember getting on,

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which is obviously upsetting, so she starts crying.

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The crying causes her stomach to convulse,

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which makes her sick again.

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So it's a perfect little sandwich of misery going on behind me there.

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"Bleeergh!

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HE MOCK CRIES "Bleeergh!"

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What that does, of course, is rocket her up the league

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to my most hated person on the train.

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Relegation zone to Champions League overnight. Unbelievable form, right.

0:13:380:13:42

And the reason I hate her is because all I wanted was this seat

0:13:420:13:45

and now I've got to move, because sick is coming under the thing...

0:13:450:13:48

AUDIENCE: Urgh!

0:13:480:13:50

On my bag and my shoes. And I start looking around at people.

0:13:500:13:52

I think, "This is ridiculous now!

0:13:520:13:54

"Modern Britain - you can't even get on a train

0:13:540:13:56

"without getting someone else's insides ON you!"

0:13:560:13:58

I just want someone to look at me and go,

0:13:590:14:01

"I know, mate, what a country."

0:14:010:14:02

Nobody does. They're all looking at me angry

0:14:020:14:04

cos they're as drunk as she is

0:14:040:14:06

and they think I'm elevating myself out of this situation.

0:14:060:14:08

I can see them looking at me going...

0:14:080:14:10

SLURS: "Ooh, look at Mr Clean Shoes. Hic!"

0:14:100:14:13

"Mr La-di-da's too good to have our sick all over him, is he?"

0:14:150:14:19

"He was sick on me, mate, I didn't move.

0:14:200:14:22

"I just pissed on him a little bit."

0:14:220:14:24

LAUGHTER

0:14:240:14:26

I realised it's all of us,

0:14:260:14:28

everyone in the country is this pissed at the moment.

0:14:280:14:30

That's... Bad enough for me, I live here. I knew the signs.

0:14:300:14:33

If I hadn't had a gig, I'd be as drunk as everyone else.

0:14:330:14:35

But somewhere on this train is a nice little Spanish family.

0:14:350:14:38

A nice little Spanish family, come to Europe on their summer holidays

0:14:380:14:41

cos they've seen the Olympics.

0:14:410:14:43

"Yeah, let's go to London." Cos we told them, didn't we?

0:14:430:14:45

"Come to London. We wear matching tracksuits and help each other.

0:14:450:14:48

"Do come, do come."

0:14:480:14:49

Now they're seeing the truth. This is London.

0:14:510:14:53

Now, they're on this train, terrified.

0:14:530:14:54

They booked the tickets ages ago, gave them to the kids at Christmas.

0:14:540:14:57

SPANISH ACCENT: "Here you go, Javier, here is your Christmas present."

0:14:570:15:01

LAUGHTER

0:15:010:15:03

Perfectly serviceable Spanish accent, I ain't changing it.

0:15:030:15:06

Just cos you...

0:15:060:15:08

Just cos you are frightened by performance.

0:15:080:15:11

You've put me out of character now. Hang on, I need to get back in.

0:15:120:15:15

SPANISH ACCENT: "Eeh, nachos!" Right, I'm back.

0:15:150:15:17

LAUGHTER

0:15:170:15:19

Don't let me lose the rhythm, don't let me lose the rhythm.

0:15:190:15:23

SPANISH ACCENT: "Here you go, Javier, here is your Christmas present."

0:15:230:15:26

SHRIEKS: "Oh, what is it?! What is it?!"

0:15:260:15:27

"Yeah, he-he..."

0:15:290:15:32

"I'm going to tell you when I stop laughing at your voice."

0:15:330:15:36

"This summer, we're going on our holidays to London town!"

0:15:390:15:43

"London town!"

0:15:430:15:44

"That's right, London town. But when we get there,

0:15:470:15:49

"please don't speak out loud because people will laugh in your face."

0:15:490:15:52

LAUGHTER

0:15:520:15:54

"London town!"

0:15:560:15:57

"London, 2012 Olympic, London!"

0:15:570:15:59

"London, 2012 Olympic London,

0:15:590:16:01

"but we're going there in 2013 because it's cheaper."

0:16:010:16:04

"Booked us an apartment. It's on the edge of the city,

0:16:060:16:08

"so every day we wake up, we have some breakfast,

0:16:080:16:10

"we get the train into town, we go to Buckingham Palace,

0:16:100:16:13

"we watch a show, you can stay up late every night

0:16:130:16:15

"and we get the last train back to the apartment

0:16:150:16:17

"in the city of London!"

0:16:170:16:18

"Fucking Lo..." "Don't swear."

0:16:180:16:20

LAUGHTER

0:16:200:16:23

They're on this train now,

0:16:240:16:26

seeing for the first time what London is really like.

0:16:260:16:28

They're going to go back and their friends will say...

0:16:280:16:30

SPANISH ACCENT: "How was your holiday in London?"

0:16:300:16:32

They're going to say... ANGRY VOICE: "Let me tell YOU..."

0:16:320:16:35

"..something about London.

0:16:360:16:38

"You get the train in London, Jesus Christ."

0:16:380:16:41

"You get the train in London, everybody is puking

0:16:430:16:45

"and shitting and crying."

0:16:450:16:48

"Urgh, puke you!"

0:16:500:16:51

"Don't worry, you puke me, mate, I'll piss you!"

0:16:510:16:54

LAUGHTER

0:16:540:16:56

"You have to swim out of the train!"

0:16:560:16:58

Their friends are going to say,

0:16:590:17:00

"Jesus, why was everyone so drunk? Was it a festival or something?"

0:17:000:17:03

They're going to go, "No, it was the sunshine come out!"

0:17:030:17:06

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:17:090:17:12

There we go, consider yourselves satirised.

0:17:150:17:17

Are you excited for a great evening?

0:17:190:17:22

CHEERING Yes, good.

0:17:220:17:24

It's time to welcome our first guest.

0:17:240:17:27

You couldn't be in better hands. Please, go wild and crazy.

0:17:270:17:29

Welcome to the stage the wonderful Sara Pascoe!

0:17:290:17:32

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:17:320:17:35

CHEERING

0:17:380:17:40

Hello! Hello.

0:17:410:17:43

Thank you for having me, Hammersmith. I love it.

0:17:430:17:45

What a beautiful building and what a beautiful place.

0:17:450:17:48

I live in Lewisham, which is...brilliant.

0:17:480:17:50

SMALL CHEER Yeah, whoo, Lewisham.

0:17:500:17:51

If you haven't been there, just go southeast from here

0:17:510:17:54

until you start getting scared, and then you've arrived.

0:17:540:17:56

It's brilliant.

0:17:560:17:58

We have something in Lewisham I've never seen anywhere else, right,

0:17:580:18:01

which is about six months ago, along our high street

0:18:010:18:03

and all the windows of the shops,

0:18:030:18:05

they put life-sized stick-on policemen to protect us...

0:18:050:18:09

It's so odd, it looks very odd.

0:18:100:18:12

The first day I saw this, I was with my boyfriend, I was like,

0:18:120:18:14

"Why have they all started selling those?"

0:18:140:18:17

Cos I didn't understand.

0:18:170:18:18

He went, "No, Sara, they've put them there to deter shoplifters."

0:18:180:18:22

Like, what, cos they can't pick them off?!

0:18:220:18:25

And then he explained to me, maybe you know this, they've done these studies,

0:18:250:18:28

the Government, and it's all to do with the subconscious.

0:18:280:18:30

Because of the connotations of law enforcement,

0:18:300:18:33

when people see these policemen, they are less likely to steal.

0:18:330:18:35

But imagine how successful actual law enforcement would have been.

0:18:350:18:39

Cos this means that not only is Lewisham a den of thieves,

0:18:400:18:42

they are also the stupidest people in the world, and I'm worried,

0:18:420:18:46

because it's working, where's it going to end?

0:18:460:18:48

Oh, 22% of people on the 91 didn't realise that

0:18:480:18:52

the bus wasn't moving with one of these stick-on drivers.

0:18:520:18:56

25% of criminals sent themselves to prison with our stick-on judges.

0:18:570:19:03

I'd write a letter to my local politician,

0:19:030:19:05

but I'm not sure how high up this goes.

0:19:050:19:08

This is more endearing - this is about two months ago -

0:19:090:19:11

somebody put up posters all around Lewisham,

0:19:110:19:14

saying that they'd lost their homing pigeon.

0:19:140:19:16

Right, and I really love animals,

0:19:170:19:20

so I kind of stood there reading the poster,

0:19:200:19:21

feeling really sorry for the person, like, "Oh, my gosh, they'll be really worried,

0:19:210:19:25

"they'll be out frantically looking for their homing...pigeon."

0:19:250:19:29

And then the thought struck me, "How?"

0:19:290:19:32

"How do you lose a homing pigeon - did they move?"

0:19:330:19:36

And then, when you think about it,

0:19:360:19:37

if your homing pigeon doesn't come back,

0:19:370:19:39

in fact, what you've lost is a pigeon.

0:19:390:19:41

LAUGHTER

0:19:410:19:43

So, it's technically impossible - you can't, can you?

0:19:430:19:45

Cos it's not relative to terminism, it's defined by its own name.

0:19:450:19:48

So you can't have it, can you? Like, "Oh, no, my immortal dog's died.

0:19:480:19:53

"Oh..."

0:19:530:19:54

"Ahh! My bulletproof cat got shot..."

0:19:540:19:56

The reason I moved to Lewisham - I'd never been there.

0:19:570:19:59

I took the first flat I found on the internet when I was moving in

0:19:590:20:02

with my boyfriend.

0:20:020:20:03

I've been with my boyfriend for 11 months,

0:20:030:20:05

so I'm still in that lovely bit where you cry all the time.

0:20:050:20:08

And, um... LAUGHTER

0:20:080:20:10

We moved in together after two months,

0:20:100:20:12

so I'm aware it was very quick. It was very early in our relationship.

0:20:120:20:15

But I just couldn't bear waking up without him in the morning

0:20:150:20:18

and he couldn't afford his rent.

0:20:180:20:19

And, erm... So it's romantic.

0:20:190:20:21

I really wish I could show him to you

0:20:210:20:23

cos he has the best body shape that a man can have.

0:20:230:20:25

I don't know if you've ever seen a man like this.

0:20:250:20:27

He's got very thin arms and legs, very thin,

0:20:270:20:31

and then, in the middle, a massive belly.

0:20:310:20:33

It's so nice, it's a combination.

0:20:330:20:35

He's got bad posture and he eats terribly,

0:20:350:20:37

like all carbohydrate-y sugary things.

0:20:370:20:39

I tell him all the time how much I love that belly

0:20:390:20:42

and he thinks it's because I don't want him to get insecure,

0:20:420:20:45

but it's not, it's cos I'm pretending he's having our child.

0:20:450:20:48

I love it. I love to stroke it all the time,

0:20:490:20:53

and say, "Have another biscuit!"

0:20:530:20:55

It's so nice. Now, when you're in a new relationship -

0:20:550:20:57

you'll all have had this experience -

0:20:570:20:59

it's very exciting for everyone around you.

0:20:590:21:00

So people always ask, "Ooh, how's it going?"

0:21:000:21:03

And it's such a difficult question to answer.

0:21:030:21:05

Like, how are you supposed to actually describe

0:21:050:21:07

the feeling of being in love using language?

0:21:070:21:10

It, er... It doesn't come anywhere near the truth.

0:21:100:21:13

At the beginning, I used to attempt to use analogies.

0:21:130:21:15

So people would say, "Ooh, how's it going?"

0:21:150:21:17

And I would say, "Oh, it's like I've always been a plant

0:21:170:21:20

"but I used to be in a garden centre or a supermarket on a shelf

0:21:200:21:26

"and now I'm in the garden."

0:21:260:21:28

And, um, you can't say that to people.

0:21:290:21:32

I've learned that. Now what happens is people go, "How's it going?"

0:21:330:21:36

And I say, "Fine."

0:21:360:21:37

And, erm... But then my friend the other day, she said,

0:21:370:21:40

"Well, you don't seem very happy."

0:21:400:21:42

And I said, "Yeah, that's cos I'm not with him, I'm here with you."

0:21:420:21:45

And... LAUGHTER

0:21:450:21:47

Apparently, that's very rude.

0:21:470:21:49

And my friend really told me off. She said, "Actually, Sara,

0:21:490:21:51

"it's very important that you stay in contact with your friends."

0:21:510:21:54

"But why? I've got him now."

0:21:540:21:56

And then she said, "Well, what about if you break up?"

0:21:560:21:58

"But if we break up, then I'll kill myself, so I still don't need you."

0:22:000:22:04

LAUGHTER

0:22:040:22:06

And we live in a society that considers any relationship

0:22:060:22:09

that doesn't last until your death a failure.

0:22:090:22:12

That's what really concerns me.

0:22:120:22:13

At the start with my boyfriend, I realised how happy I was.

0:22:130:22:16

I started worrying that we would break up one day

0:22:160:22:18

cos all of my previous relationships have finished

0:22:180:22:21

and I don't want that to happen.

0:22:210:22:22

And what I found out is...

0:22:220:22:24

you shouldn't worry about the ending at the beginning,

0:22:240:22:27

it ruins everything and it's illogical.

0:22:270:22:29

It's like giving birth to a baby dressed as the grim reaper.

0:22:290:22:32

It's like turning up at a job interview and going,

0:22:330:22:35

"Oh, what's the point? If you don't sack me, I'll quit."

0:22:350:22:38

So I was thinking about other couples.

0:22:390:22:41

I thought a lot about Adam and Eve,

0:22:410:22:43

cos they, of course, were the original couple.

0:22:430:22:45

And sure, at the beginning, it's all magical.

0:22:450:22:47

It's all staying up late, counting each other's ribs and laughing...

0:22:470:22:51

But, over time, the magic fades.

0:22:520:22:55

He's boring, she's off talking to wildlife and comfort eating...

0:22:550:22:59

And then their landlord kicks them out,

0:22:590:23:02

one of their kids kills the other one.

0:23:020:23:04

And if they can't make it work in Paradise,

0:23:040:23:06

what chance have I got in Lewisham?

0:23:060:23:08

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:23:080:23:11

We don't have a lot of problems. It is early days.

0:23:170:23:19

The two things we have... Me and my boyfriend,

0:23:190:23:21

we always have a row when I'm getting dressed

0:23:210:23:23

because he thinks it takes too long.

0:23:230:23:25

He doesn't understand that I have to try on all of my trousers

0:23:250:23:27

because some of my trousers are liars

0:23:270:23:30

and they lie about the shape and size of my legs.

0:23:300:23:34

And different trousers lie on different days,

0:23:340:23:36

so I never know who's going to be doing it

0:23:360:23:38

and I have to try them all on.

0:23:380:23:40

And I don't know who's behind it - if it's Nato or the Illuminati -

0:23:400:23:44

but they're trying to slow me down. And the other thing,

0:23:440:23:47

I don't like leaving him alone in the house

0:23:470:23:50

because I'm worried he's having sex with somebody that he thinks is me.

0:23:500:23:53

Yes.

0:23:540:23:55

My worry is I've got a doppelganger,

0:23:550:23:58

someone who looks exactly like me, and he's doing it with her.

0:23:580:24:01

The reason is, apart from the start where it was passionate,

0:24:010:24:03

I don't think that we have enough sex anymore,

0:24:030:24:06

but he says that we have plenty.

0:24:060:24:07

Which makes me think he must be having it

0:24:090:24:11

with someone he thinks is me...

0:24:110:24:13

..when I'm not at home. And that's annoying on two levels.

0:24:140:24:16

Like, number one - he's cheating on me behind my back,

0:24:160:24:19

and number two - I'm not allowed to have a go at him about it

0:24:190:24:22

because he thought it was me.

0:24:220:24:24

I mean, what if she said she was me?

0:24:240:24:26

That is the kind of thing I would say.

0:24:270:24:29

LAUGHTER Now...

0:24:300:24:32

I'm being flippant... It's a very serious subject.

0:24:330:24:36

I hope you've never had this experience,

0:24:360:24:38

but if you're the one in the relationship who wants to have sex

0:24:380:24:41

more than the other person and you get rejected all the time,

0:24:410:24:43

what you end up with is sexual frustration.

0:24:430:24:46

And that, it's just such a horrible thing.

0:24:460:24:48

It's a vicious cycle, it's game over,

0:24:480:24:50

because you can't seduce anybody once you're sexually frustrated,

0:24:500:24:53

when you need it most.

0:24:530:24:54

You can't encourage someone to do it with you by crying with rage.

0:24:540:24:58

It doesn't change their mind.

0:24:580:25:00

And I've tried talking about it both on stage and to his mum and...

0:25:000:25:04

LAUGHTER

0:25:040:25:05

Yeah, for some reason, it's not helping. I can't talk to my mum about it.

0:25:050:25:08

My mum's brilliant and I love her and respect her,

0:25:080:25:10

but she gives bad advice, especially about sex.

0:25:100:25:14

My mum was brought up Catholic.

0:25:140:25:15

She thought that was very oppressive, and she tried to liberate me

0:25:150:25:19

and my sisters by giving us all of the information, OK?

0:25:190:25:22

Too much information.

0:25:220:25:23

When I was 11, before I started secondary school,

0:25:230:25:25

my mum gave me a lecture about cunnilingus.

0:25:250:25:28

Hmm, in preparation for secondary school.

0:25:300:25:33

My mum told me what it was and then she said

0:25:330:25:35

that whenever I went to bed with a boy,

0:25:350:25:37

I was to insist that he do this as a mark of respect.

0:25:370:25:41

Now, I look back as an adult and I think,

0:25:430:25:44

"Oh, I can see what my mum was trying to do,

0:25:440:25:46

"she obviously wanted to empower me to find my own pleasure."

0:25:460:25:49

It had the exact opposite effect - it ruins everything.

0:25:490:25:51

There is no way you can enjoy yourself

0:25:510:25:53

with a man between your legs if you're thinking...

0:25:530:25:55

.."Hmm, Mum'd be proud."

0:25:560:25:59

Very similar kind of age,

0:26:000:26:02

I still would have been in the first year at school, so about 11.

0:26:020:26:05

I must have heard somebody using the word "twat".

0:26:050:26:07

I must have picked it up

0:26:070:26:08

because, in a row with my mum, I called her a twat.

0:26:080:26:11

She was very angry but also calm.

0:26:110:26:13

And she stopped me. She said, "That is a very ugly word,

0:26:130:26:16

"but a very beautiful part of the female anatomy."

0:26:160:26:19

And then she drew me a very, very detailed vagina...

0:26:190:26:23

LAUGHTER ..as a demonstration of her point.

0:26:230:26:25

So obviously what happened was, the next day at school,

0:26:250:26:28

I heard somebody calling somebody a twat,

0:26:280:26:30

and I marched over and said, "No, actually, it's a very ugly word,

0:26:300:26:33

"but a very beautiful part of the female anatomy."

0:26:330:26:35

And I drew them a very, very detailed vagina.

0:26:350:26:39

So, subsequently, at school for five years

0:26:390:26:41

I was known as a raving and predatory lesbian.

0:26:410:26:44

Of course, we were children.

0:26:450:26:47

We had no idea what a lesbian was,

0:26:470:26:48

but it was probably the girl surrounded by self-drawn genitalia,

0:26:480:26:52

pushing it on people all the time.

0:26:520:26:55

And I would argue that it is better to be called a twat

0:26:550:26:58

than Leonardo Da Minge-y.

0:26:580:27:00

LAUGHTER

0:27:000:27:03

I don't know if you know, but there's this organisation,

0:27:030:27:05

they're called No More Page Three and they want Page Three banned...

0:27:050:27:08

SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Whoo! Yeah, whoo!

0:27:080:27:10

..not just cos it's objectification, but cos it's so pervasive, it seems acceptable.

0:27:100:27:13

Children grow up thinking that that's an OK way to look at women, but ever since they've existed,

0:27:130:27:17

there's been a backlash against them, with people pointing out,

0:27:170:27:20

and rightly so, we live in the Western world.

0:27:200:27:22

No-one is coerced to become a Page Three girl, that is their choice.

0:27:220:27:25

Why are feminists oppressing other women?

0:27:250:27:27

And also, if you took it away,

0:27:270:27:29

how are they supposed to earn their living?

0:27:290:27:31

And I did think, I was like, "Yeah, this is an unsolvable problem,"

0:27:310:27:34

until I did solve it in a dream.

0:27:340:27:37

Guys, we have to make Page Three-like jury duty.

0:27:370:27:41

LAUGHTER

0:27:410:27:42

Yes. So, every woman over the age of 18 becomes eligible for Page Three

0:27:420:27:49

and then all that happens is one day, you get up,

0:27:490:27:51

and there's a letter.

0:27:510:27:52

And it says... "Oh!"

0:27:520:27:54

.."Dear Sara, please come to the Sun offices

0:27:540:27:56

"at 9am tomorrow morning, bring some snazzy pants

0:27:560:28:01

"and a pithy quote about Syria..."

0:28:010:28:03

And you just have to go and then you have to do it,

0:28:030:28:06

because if Page Three represented the whole spectrum

0:28:060:28:08

of what it looked like to be a woman,

0:28:080:28:10

it wouldn't be objectification any more,

0:28:100:28:12

it would just be nudity, it wouldn't be dangerous

0:28:120:28:14

because it would show all the different kinds of breasts.

0:28:140:28:16

There'd be small ones and saggy ones

0:28:160:28:19

and different-sized ones and hairy ones, and men...

0:28:190:28:21

Men would still like it cos it's still boobies.

0:28:210:28:24

LAUGHTER But the other difference would be to the woman's face

0:28:240:28:27

cos at the moment, they're very young, very beautiful women -

0:28:270:28:30

it's not them I'm attacking, it's the system.

0:28:300:28:32

But their facial expression is coquettish,

0:28:320:28:34

so it's permissive, it allows them to be looked at.

0:28:340:28:37

What it says to the viewer is,

0:28:370:28:38

"Ah! You've just found me in the garden!"

0:28:380:28:42

LAUGHTER

0:28:420:28:44

"I haven't got a top on, and you shouldn't really be looking,

0:28:440:28:48

"cos you're my best friend's dad!

0:28:480:28:50

"But it's OK..."

0:28:500:28:52

Whereas, with the new system, the woman on Page Three,

0:28:520:28:54

she'll be 52, she'll be a dinner lady...

0:28:540:28:56

She'll be aghast and horrified at what they're going to say at work

0:28:560:29:00

the next day, and she'll be looking straight down the lens...

0:29:000:29:04

..knowing exactly what you're doing.

0:29:050:29:08

So, in a way, Page Three might just all die out on its own, mightn't it?

0:29:080:29:12

Without anyone having to tell anyone what to do.

0:29:120:29:14

When you say things like this, this is what I get now, that people, they attack you by saying,

0:29:140:29:18

"It's cos you're jealous.

0:29:180:29:19

"You're not as good-looking as these women, you don't want anyone else looking..."

0:29:190:29:23

It's not jealousy, I love beautiful women and I like looking at women...

0:29:230:29:26

The only thing that makes me jealous is pornography, I don't like my boyfriend watching it.

0:29:260:29:30

I do think it's kind of a form of infidelity,

0:29:300:29:32

cos he'll be imagining himself having sex with other women,

0:29:320:29:34

and I don't understand why he needs to watch it

0:29:340:29:36

when I draw him such great vaginas.

0:29:360:29:38

LAUGHTER That should be plenty.

0:29:380:29:41

He hates being in my stand-up, he doesn't like me talking about him.

0:29:410:29:44

He hates what I say about his belly at the beginning...

0:29:440:29:47

The first time he saw me do that at a gig, he started a diet,

0:29:470:29:49

but he's only lost weight from his arms and legs.

0:29:490:29:52

It's worked out well for me.

0:29:520:29:53

He also did the nicest thing that anyone's ever done for me, right.

0:29:530:29:56

He waited for me after a gig once as a surprise.

0:29:560:29:58

He was trying to spice things up.

0:29:580:30:00

He waited for me, he had spent all day rewriting the rules

0:30:000:30:02

to Trivial Pursuit to make it

0:30:020:30:04

Strip Trivial Pursuit...

0:30:040:30:06

And he was like, "Come on, Sara, we'll go straight home.

0:30:060:30:09

"We'll have a drink, we'll have a sexy time and..."

0:30:090:30:12

I don't know if any of you have ever played Strip Trivial Pursuit... Mm?

0:30:120:30:16

But let me tell you what it is.

0:30:160:30:17

That is you, sitting on a chair with no clothes on, feeling fat,

0:30:170:30:22

watching someone fully clothed beat you at Trivial Pursuit.

0:30:220:30:26

LAUGHTER

0:30:260:30:28

Thank you so much for having me.

0:30:280:30:30

Enjoy the rest of your night. Bye-bye.

0:30:300:30:32

WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE

0:30:320:30:35

Sara Pascoe!

0:30:360:30:38

CHEERING

0:30:380:30:40

Are you ready for our final act of the evening?

0:30:420:30:44

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

0:30:440:30:46

Please go wild and crazy for the wonderful Mr Nathan Caton!

0:30:460:30:49

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:30:490:30:53

Hello, hello, hello.

0:31:000:31:01

Evening, guys. You guys all right?

0:31:010:31:03

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

0:31:030:31:04

Good. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Nathan Caton.

0:31:040:31:08

I'm from a little town called Greenford, in West London.

0:31:080:31:10

SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Whoo!

0:31:100:31:12

Really?! You're cheering Green...?!

0:31:120:31:14

Y-You've never been there before. Right?

0:31:140:31:16

Nah, Greenford... Greenford, it's a nice area...

0:31:160:31:19

Greenford's the kind of area, where, like,

0:31:190:31:20

everyone thinks they're a bad boy,

0:31:200:31:22

but deep down, everyone is soft as shit.

0:31:220:31:24

Right? I'll give you a prime example.

0:31:240:31:26

Remember a few summers ago, we had the famous riots,

0:31:260:31:30

up and down the country, right?

0:31:300:31:31

And during the riots, the rioters,

0:31:310:31:33

they were targeting the same kind of shops.

0:31:330:31:36

You know, Foot Locker, Carphone Warehouse, JD Sports, you know.

0:31:360:31:39

The obvious places to loot if you're going to loot.

0:31:390:31:42

In Greenford, do you know who they looted?

0:31:420:31:44

Hobbycraft.

0:31:440:31:46

LAUGHTER

0:31:460:31:48

Yeah, that's how bad-boy Greenford is!

0:31:480:31:50

During the riots, there were young kids going,

0:31:500:31:52

"Yo, blud! Yo, blud! I want a new hoodie, yeah?

0:31:520:31:54

"But I want to make it myself."

0:31:540:31:56

Real bad boys do arts and crafts, you get me?

0:31:580:32:01

So, that's where I live, I live in Greenford.

0:32:020:32:05

Um, I live at home with my mum still.

0:32:050:32:08

Thank you for that judgmental silence.

0:32:080:32:10

LAUGHTER

0:32:100:32:12

I like to get it out the way from the top, you know?

0:32:120:32:14

Cos I've come to realise some people do have a bit of an issue

0:32:140:32:17

with the fact that I still live at home with my mum.

0:32:170:32:19

I did a gig not too long ago where I got booed off stage for saying

0:32:190:32:23

that I live at home, right?

0:32:230:32:25

I walked out, I went, "Hey, guys, how you doing?

0:32:250:32:27

"My name's Nathan Caton. I'll tell you a bit about myself.

0:32:270:32:30

"I still live at home with my family..."

0:32:300:32:33

And as soon as I said it, the whole audience went, "Boo! Boo!"

0:32:330:32:37

I said, "All right, man. All right, man. Chill out!"

0:32:370:32:40

Gosh! That's the last time I do a charity gig for an orphanage.

0:32:400:32:43

LAUGHTER

0:32:430:32:46

APPLAUSE

0:32:460:32:48

You're jealous cos my family kept me, piss off!

0:32:480:32:52

Nah, sod 'em! Who are they going to cry to?

0:32:530:32:55

AUDIENCE: Oh! LAUGHTER

0:32:550:32:58

Yeah, I live... So, I do generally live at home, I live at home...

0:33:000:33:03

I live with my mum and my stepdad.

0:33:030:33:06

They got married quite recently, right?

0:33:060:33:09

Now, don't get me wrong, listen, I'm happy for my mum,

0:33:090:33:11

she's found happiness, that's great, she deserves it.

0:33:110:33:14

However, at the moment, they're still going through that whole...

0:33:140:33:16

that honeymoon phase, where they're having sex all the time...

0:33:160:33:20

Yeah, that is bloody disturbing, man.

0:33:200:33:22

Cos my bedroom is, like, right next door, so every time they do it,

0:33:220:33:25

I hear EVERYTHING.

0:33:250:33:27

Like, a few Saturdays ago, it's late at night, I'm about to go to sleep.

0:33:270:33:31

From next door, I can hear my stepdad going...

0:33:310:33:33

"Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

0:33:330:33:36

"Oh, yes. Oh, Lord. Oh, Lord.

0:33:360:33:38

"Say something nasty, say something nasty, say something nasty..."

0:33:380:33:41

So, I screamed out,

0:33:430:33:44

"You're not my real dad!"

0:33:440:33:46

LAUGHTER

0:33:460:33:48

Yeah, I showed him!

0:33:500:33:52

..Coming in my house, shagging my mum, what an idiot...

0:33:530:33:57

The cheek.

0:33:570:33:58

So, yeah... Living at home, boy. Um...

0:33:580:34:01

I mean, it's not all bad.

0:34:010:34:02

There are some good things about living at home, like, um...

0:34:020:34:05

The best thing for me is my neighbour.

0:34:050:34:07

I've got the best next-door neighbour in the world.

0:34:070:34:10

So, an old lady called Mrs Bishop.

0:34:100:34:11

Lovely, sweet old lady, but she's overly PC when it comes to race.

0:34:110:34:16

She's petrified of appearing racist, right.

0:34:160:34:19

So much so that whenever she talks to me or my family,

0:34:190:34:23

she never says the word "black".

0:34:230:34:24

Instead, she says...urban.

0:34:260:34:29

She'll say something like, "Oh, Nathan, Nathan.

0:34:310:34:33

"Um, do you know the little, um, the little urban kid from Number 5?

0:34:330:34:36

"You know with the big, urban hair? You've seen him, right?"

0:34:360:34:39

Mrs Bishop, you don't have to do that, man.

0:34:400:34:42

That's dumb on so many levels.

0:34:420:34:43

I'm mean, like, firstly, urban is not an adequate replacement

0:34:430:34:46

for black, right?

0:34:460:34:47

Urban's a city, anyone can be urban.

0:34:470:34:49

Two - the word black, it's not racist, it's a colour.

0:34:490:34:52

I'm not going to get offended over a colour.

0:34:520:34:55

I'm a human being, not a bull.

0:34:550:34:56

And three - even if the word black WAS racist,

0:34:580:35:01

I still wouldn't be offended if you said it

0:35:010:35:03

cos you're black, too.

0:35:030:35:05

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:35:050:35:08

Spit it out, what's wrong with you?

0:35:120:35:14

I'm immature. I know I'm immature.

0:35:140:35:15

I get told all the time I'm immature.

0:35:150:35:17

I think the big reason why I'm so immature is...

0:35:170:35:19

It's cos of my mates, right?

0:35:190:35:20

A lot of my mates who I hang with, they're very immature. Like, um...

0:35:200:35:23

My mate Paul, he's a prime example of how immature we are, right?

0:35:230:35:27

My mate Paul, he's, um... He's what I like to call a bit of a lad,

0:35:270:35:30

which is basically a man's way of saying,

0:35:300:35:33

"He's a bellend, but he's my mate."

0:35:330:35:35

That's what a lad is, innit? Like, he's a dickhead, but I've known him for too long

0:35:360:35:39

to get rid of him, right?

0:35:390:35:40

Paul, he's a typical lad. He does lad things.

0:35:420:35:45

Lads say things that are maybe racist, sexist,

0:35:450:35:49

misogynistic or homophobic, and then they always justify it

0:35:490:35:52

by going, "Banter, innit? Banter, innit?

0:35:520:35:54

"Bants, bants, bants, bants, bants," like a proper dickhead...

0:35:540:35:58

Paul does it all the time.

0:35:580:36:00

I remember one time England were playing Poland,

0:36:000:36:03

it was a World Cup qualifier.

0:36:030:36:04

And what happened was the FA allocated 18,000 tickets

0:36:040:36:08

to the Poland fans, which is like double the normal amount.

0:36:080:36:11

Um, Paul found out and he was like, "Yeah, bruv, that's cool.

0:36:110:36:14

"If the FA want to let 18,000 Polish people into Wembley Stadium,

0:36:140:36:18

"it's the least they could do.

0:36:180:36:19

"After all, they probably built the place, innit?

0:36:190:36:22

"Ha-ha-ha. Banter, innit, bruv? Banter, innit, yeah?

0:36:220:36:24

"Bants, man. Bants, bants, bants, bants."

0:36:240:36:26

"Shut up, you idiot."

0:36:260:36:28

That's dumb. I mean, firstly that's a lazy stereotype.

0:36:280:36:31

Not all Polish people are builders.

0:36:310:36:33

Secondly, Wembley Stadium was ?75 million over budget

0:36:330:36:37

and four years behind schedule.

0:36:370:36:39

That's got British builders written all over it.

0:36:390:36:42

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:36:420:36:44

If you're going to be racist, just be accurate.

0:36:480:36:50

That's one thing that annoys me more than racism itself -

0:36:510:36:54

lazy, sloppy racism.

0:36:540:36:57

Not saying that there's good parts of racism,

0:36:570:36:59

but lazy, sloppy racism really gets on my nerves, right.

0:36:590:37:02

I'll give you an example of what I mean -

0:37:020:37:04

a story which happened during the summer.

0:37:040:37:06

Um, there's a black football player called Dani Alves.

0:37:060:37:09

He plays for Barcelona.

0:37:090:37:10

Now, he was playing one game and during the match,

0:37:100:37:13

a fan from the crowd chucked a banana at him.

0:37:130:37:15

Just random - "pow!" Right?

0:37:150:37:17

Dani Alves is quite cool, didn't let it get to him.

0:37:170:37:20

Picked up the banana, ate it, chucked away the skin, right?

0:37:200:37:23

Now, when it happened, some of my white friends

0:37:230:37:25

were asking me how I felt.

0:37:250:37:27

Cos that's what happens every time there's a story in the news

0:37:270:37:30

that's linked to black people.

0:37:300:37:32

I don't know why. It always happens. Any time...

0:37:320:37:34

Like, I guarantee any... One of my white friends will ask me,

0:37:340:37:37

not just how I feel, but how black people feel as a whole...

0:37:370:37:41

I don't know. We don't all get together and discuss shit.

0:37:410:37:45

You don't get PMQs for black people.

0:37:460:37:47

You know, we all get together in a room,

0:37:470:37:49

a little speaker at the front going, "Order, order, order.

0:37:490:37:52

"Come on, black people, let's start proceedings.

0:37:520:37:54

"We're already half an hour late cos we all turn up late. Uh..."

0:37:540:37:58

"OK, first topic on the agenda,

0:37:590:38:01

"now that America have started another horrific war

0:38:010:38:04

"in the Middle East,

0:38:040:38:05

"is Barack Obama still black or now mixed race? Discuss."

0:38:050:38:08

Right?

0:38:080:38:10

We don't do that. We don't get together.

0:38:100:38:12

But I guarantee, any time there's a black story,

0:38:120:38:14

my white friends will come to me.

0:38:140:38:16

Like, the end of 2013, three of my white friends text me

0:38:160:38:19

the same thing, going, "Hey, bruv, I heard about Mandela.

0:38:190:38:22

"Are you OK?"

0:38:220:38:23

LAUGHTER

0:38:230:38:25

Piss off, man.

0:38:270:38:28

Of course I was sad, it's Mandela. I was, I was sad.

0:38:300:38:33

I think everyone was sad. I was... I was sad, but also, like...

0:38:330:38:36

Right, this might sound weird coming from a black person,

0:38:360:38:39

but I don't mind saying it, cos, you know, it's honestly how I felt...

0:38:390:38:42

Looking at the love and adoration that was shown towards Mandela

0:38:420:38:46

after he passed away, it kind of made me a bit jealous

0:38:460:38:49

that here in the UK

0:38:490:38:50

we haven't had that same kind of segregation or racism.

0:38:500:38:53

How I felt, right?

0:38:560:38:57

I mean, obviously, there's logic to it, hear me out.

0:38:580:39:01

In South Africa, they had the whole apartheid movement.

0:39:010:39:05

As a result, they got inspirational black leaders, you know,

0:39:050:39:08

like Nelson Mandela, Desmond Tutu...

0:39:080:39:11

In America, they had the civil rights movement.

0:39:110:39:14

As a result, they got inspirational black leaders, you know,

0:39:140:39:17

like, Malcolm X and Martin Luther King.

0:39:170:39:19

Here in the UK, we've had nothing.

0:39:190:39:22

As a result, who have we got?

0:39:220:39:25

Lenny Henry...

0:39:250:39:27

Ainsley Harriott...

0:39:270:39:29

And Howard from the Halifax adverts.

0:39:290:39:31

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:39:310:39:35

Don't get me wrong, I love those guys,

0:39:380:39:40

but it's not the same, man, it's not the same.

0:39:400:39:43

So anyway, sorry, I've gone off point.

0:39:430:39:45

I was talking about Dani Alves,

0:39:450:39:46

the black football player who had a banana chucked at him, right?

0:39:460:39:49

And I said, after it happened,

0:39:490:39:51

my white friends - not being racist -

0:39:510:39:52

just casually were asking me how I felt.

0:39:520:39:55

Now, how I felt was, I was offended, but not for the reason

0:39:550:39:58

that they thought I'd be offended.

0:39:580:40:00

I wasn't offended because it was racist,

0:40:000:40:02

I was offended because of HOW it was racist, you know?

0:40:020:40:06

The guy chucked a banana.

0:40:060:40:09

Really? A banana?

0:40:090:40:11

What kind of lazy, boring, uncreative racism is that, man?

0:40:110:40:15

It's not the 18th century, it's the 21st century.

0:40:150:40:18

Black people, we've moved on. We like other things now, you know?

0:40:180:40:21

Chuck a Nando's menu, man!

0:40:230:40:25

APPLAUSE

0:40:260:40:29

A banana, that's not racism, that's potassium.

0:40:300:40:33

I'm not offended by that.

0:40:330:40:34

Up your game, bellend. What's wrong with you?

0:40:350:40:37

Love sports, man. I'm a massive sports fan.

0:40:400:40:43

Me and my mates, always arguing about sports,

0:40:430:40:45

always arguing about stuff.

0:40:450:40:46

We got into an argument,

0:40:460:40:48

me and one of my mates in particular.

0:40:480:40:50

We got into a argument at the start of the year.

0:40:500:40:52

A former football player, he came out in the news, right,

0:40:520:40:56

to reveal that he's gay.

0:40:560:40:57

Now, that's cool. Fair credit to him for coming out, that's all good.

0:40:570:41:00

However, at the same time, I can't help but think,

0:41:000:41:02

"Why is it someone famous revealing that they're gay

0:41:020:41:05

"is still seen as a headline?"

0:41:050:41:07

You know, it shouldn't be a headline to be gay in today's day and age.

0:41:070:41:10

So what? That shouldn't be a headline.

0:41:100:41:11

It's like, OK, it's cool, you're gay.

0:41:110:41:13

What do you want, a cookie?

0:41:130:41:15

Oh, a cock, knock yourself out. Go for it, right.

0:41:150:41:18

No big deal, right.

0:41:180:41:19

But the weird thing was, after that player came out,

0:41:190:41:22

I was talking to a mate of mine, who is gay...

0:41:220:41:24

Cos that's what happens every time there's a story in the news

0:41:240:41:27

that's linked to gay people.

0:41:270:41:29

LAUGHTER

0:41:290:41:31

APPLAUSE

0:41:310:41:34

I was asking him how gay people felt as a whole, right.

0:41:370:41:40

I was saying... I was like, "Bruv, I don't get it.

0:41:420:41:44

"Why is it a big deal to be gay in today's day and age?

0:41:440:41:46

"It's not a taboo, it's normal, it's accepted. It's cool, right?"

0:41:460:41:49

But then my mate, he was like, "Nathan, let me stop you there, OK?

0:41:490:41:52

"Um, yes, I hear what you mean. The world is more tolerant,

0:41:520:41:55

"it's more liberal. Yeah, I get that.

0:41:550:41:57

"But, trust me, if someone famous comes out,

0:41:570:41:59

"it's still a big issue, innit?

0:41:590:42:00

"Cos gay people, we're still seen as a minority, you know?

0:42:000:42:03

"Like you being black, for example."

0:42:030:42:05

No, it's not.

0:42:080:42:09

Like, when I was 17, 18 years old,

0:42:100:42:12

I didn't have to gather my family together.

0:42:120:42:15

LAUGHTER

0:42:150:42:17

"Mum, Grandma..."

0:42:200:42:22

"..um, I've got something to tell you guys, yeah?

0:42:230:42:25

"Uh, Mum, remember the other day when you came in my room

0:42:250:42:29

"and, um, I was reading the Nando's menu and you asked me why?"

0:42:290:42:32

"Remember that?

0:42:340:42:35

"And, um, Grandma, remember last weekend

0:42:350:42:39

"when I picked you up and I was half an hour late for no reason?

0:42:390:42:41

"Remember that, yeah?

0:42:410:42:42

"Well, basically, it's because I'm, um...

0:42:420:42:44

"It's, um, because I'm..."

0:42:440:42:46

"What, boy, what? What you is? What you is?"

0:42:460:42:48

"It's cos I'm..."

0:42:500:42:52

"No!

0:42:520:42:54

"In my house?! You is? You is?!"

0:42:540:42:58

"Yeah, I'm urban."

0:42:580:43:00

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

0:43:000:43:04

You guys have been cool. I've been Nathan Caton. Thank you, cheers.

0:43:040:43:08

CHEERING

0:43:080:43:11

Nathan Caton!

0:43:110:43:13

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

0:43:130:43:15

Have you had a good time? ALL: Yeah!

0:43:170:43:19

Thank you for coming. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight you've seen Sara Pascoe.

0:43:190:43:23

CHEERING

0:43:230:43:24

Nathan Caton. CHEERING

0:43:240:43:26

And from myself, Jon Richardson, see you again soon.

0:43:260:43:28

Take care. Good night. Bye-bye!

0:43:280:43:30

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:300:43:33

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