Episode 6 Live at the Apollo


Episode 6

Stand-up comedy from the Hammersmith Apollo. Danny Bhoy introduces Miles Jupp and Lee Nelson.


Similar Content

Browse content similar to Episode 6. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

Ladies and gentlemen,

0:00:180:00:20

please welcome your host for tonight - Danny Bhoy!

0:00:200:00:25

APPLAUSE

0:00:250:00:28

APPLAUSE

0:00:330:00:35

Hello! Welcome to Live At The Apollo.

0:00:380:00:40

CHEERING

0:00:400:00:43

This is a big room for comedy.

0:00:430:00:45

The room is very important in comedy.

0:00:450:00:49

I did a show about six months ago in a tent -

0:00:490:00:52

not like a tent with the zip and the um...

0:00:520:00:54

LAUGHTER

0:00:540:00:57

That would be a bit weird, aye. Just the two of ya. Aye, come in.

0:00:570:01:00

Sit down, turn off your phones. Right, here we go.

0:01:000:01:04

No, I mean like a marquee, that's it.

0:01:040:01:08

And the audience was 360 degrees around me.

0:01:080:01:10

Which is quite, you know, difficult,

0:01:120:01:14

because you feel quite paranoid - well, not paranoid,

0:01:140:01:18

that would be a bad personality trait for a comedian, wouldn't it?

0:01:180:01:22

"What are you laughing at?"

0:01:220:01:24

LAUGHTER

0:01:240:01:25

Awkward is the word I was looking for so I did the whole thing

0:01:280:01:31

and the next morning I looked in the newspapers for reviews,

0:01:310:01:36

and I found a review that opened with, opened with the line,

0:01:360:01:41

"Danny Bhoy moved around the stage like a kebab on a spit."

0:01:410:01:46

LAUGHTER

0:01:460:01:49

That's a bit racist, isn't it?

0:01:520:01:53

LAUGHTER

0:01:530:01:55

I read an article with Miley Cyrus recently.

0:01:560:02:00

Not WITH her...she wasn't there.

0:02:000:02:02

Have you finished that page, Miley? Can I just...can I...?

0:02:030:02:07

Just let me know... Really?

0:02:070:02:09

That's sore. Is it sore?

0:02:090:02:11

She was talking,

0:02:120:02:15

she was talking about her demons, right?

0:02:150:02:18

Now famous people have demons, eh?

0:02:180:02:22

Those lot have problems.

0:02:220:02:24

Demons, problems, demons.

0:02:260:02:29

One of her demons,

0:02:290:02:31

she was saying in this article, was er, tequila.

0:02:310:02:35

Little old tequila.

0:02:350:02:37

She says, "Some mornings I wake up with half a bottle of tequila in my hand and I can't remember anything."

0:02:370:02:43

And I am reading this and thinking,

0:02:440:02:45

"Look, I don't want to belittle your demons but that's not a tequila problem."

0:02:450:02:50

Johnny Cash used to wake up with an empty

0:02:500:02:54

packet of salt in his hand... That's a tequila problem, right?

0:02:540:02:57

LAUGHTER

0:02:570:03:01

That is a tequila problem.

0:03:020:03:04

Half a kilo of lemon rind strewed all over the bed sheets.

0:03:040:03:10

"I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel."

0:03:100:03:17

It is a great song that... The lyrics in that -

0:03:190:03:22

"I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel.

0:03:220:03:25

"I focused on the pain, the only thing that's real."

0:03:250:03:30

Holy shit.

0:03:300:03:31

When he finished writing that, he must have put his pen down

0:03:310:03:35

and just gone, "Well, no-one is covering that.

0:03:350:03:37

"I ain't seeing no royalties from that one."

0:03:400:03:43

That is all Johnny and no cash.

0:03:430:03:45

Now, as a disclaimer to that joke - I was doing that

0:03:480:03:52

joke at the Edinburgh Festival this year.

0:03:520:03:55

And I found out that Johnny Cash didn't write Hurt.

0:03:550:03:58

He covered it.

0:04:010:04:02

How do I know this?

0:04:050:04:07

Well, because one guy was so incensed,

0:04:070:04:10

so enraged that I'd made this suggestion

0:04:100:04:14

that he found me on every single social media platform

0:04:140:04:19

you can possibly imagine,

0:04:190:04:20

all night long, every hour, on the hour,

0:04:200:04:23

"You prick, you dick, it wasn't Johnny Cash that wrote Hurt, you ignorant prick,

0:04:230:04:29

"it was Trent Raznor from Nine Inch Nails, right, so get your facts straight, you bloody dick."

0:04:290:04:35

"You're a dick and you're a prick - get it right."

0:04:370:04:39

Every hour - ping, there he is again -

0:04:420:04:45

"You prick, it was bloody Trent Raznor from Nine Inch Nails.

0:04:450:04:50

"It wasn't Johnny Cash, it wasn't Johnny Cash. He didn't write Hurt."

0:04:500:04:55

How can anyone get that angry?

0:04:570:04:58

So I have kept the joke in just to annoy him, right?

0:05:000:05:03

LAUGHTER

0:05:030:05:06

That's what I do.

0:05:060:05:07

And if you're watching...

0:05:110:05:14

LAUGHTER Calm down. It's all good, huh?

0:05:140:05:17

Do you know, my favourite food is canapes.

0:05:190:05:23

Oh, I love canapes.

0:05:230:05:25

Canapes is the French word for...

0:05:250:05:29

hors d'oeuvres.

0:05:290:05:30

I love canapes, but the only problem with canapes is you only find them at parties, right?

0:05:330:05:39

And they're almost counterproductive to the party atmosphere,

0:05:390:05:42

cos the whole idea of a party is you're supposed to be mingling and meeting people.

0:05:420:05:45

"Hello, how are you?"

0:05:450:05:47

But you can't concentrate if there's canapes in the room.

0:05:470:05:51

Those silver trays of treats being taken around.

0:05:530:05:56

"Oh, you've..." Oh!

0:05:560:05:58

I mean, you're in a conversation because you have to be.

0:06:020:06:05

"Oh, yes, that's interesting.

0:06:050:06:06

"Oh, he's five now, is he? That's fascinating."

0:06:060:06:08

"Oh, they're new. They're new. Huh, sorry?"

0:06:130:06:16

Cos you've always got to keep one eye on the canapes, haven't you?

0:06:180:06:22

Cos you don't want to miss your turn.

0:06:220:06:25

That's a horrible feeling.

0:06:250:06:26

When you're talking to some prick about schools.

0:06:260:06:29

"Yeah, public or private, that's the thing, isn't it?"

0:06:290:06:32

Oh, for f...

0:06:320:06:33

Shut up!

0:06:330:06:34

That's the mini beef Wellingtons! We've just...

0:06:370:06:40

Cos you, bloody...

0:06:400:06:42

Shut up when the canapes arrive, you prick.

0:06:420:06:45

That's... They're the best ones, mini beef Wellingtons.

0:06:450:06:49

Just shut up when the canapes arrive.

0:06:490:06:52

It's the only reason we're here.

0:06:520:06:54

I don't give a shit what school your kid goes to.

0:06:540:06:56

Some mini beef wellingtons, gone.

0:06:580:07:03

Cos you can't chase a canape.

0:07:030:07:05

Can't do that undignified walk, you know, that's...

0:07:070:07:10

"Sorry.

0:07:100:07:11

"Sorry. He was talking so I missed...

0:07:120:07:15

"Can I just get the...? Sorry, can I just get the...?"

0:07:150:07:17

The other thing with canapes is, and you know this,

0:07:230:07:27

you've always got to act surprised when they come.

0:07:270:07:31

Don't you?

0:07:330:07:35

You have to do, "Oh! I didn't...! Oh!"

0:07:350:07:37

Because that's the rules.

0:07:390:07:42

You can't wait for canapes.

0:07:420:07:44

You can't just stand there at a party, like that. You can't.

0:07:440:07:46

"Yeah, good, good. On you go."

0:07:500:07:53

You've got to pretend to be in a conversation.

0:07:530:07:56

"Yes, that's very... Oh, she's 11 now? Well, that is...

0:07:560:07:59

"Oh! I didn't know! I didn't know there was going to be food.

0:07:590:08:02

"Did you know there was going to be food?

0:08:020:08:04

"I had no idea. There's food. Look at that, that's great. Food! Oh!

0:08:040:08:07

"What a lovely surprise."

0:08:070:08:10

You're not surprised - you've been tracking the bloody thing for 20 minutes.

0:08:100:08:15

You know every stop it's made, and how many have been taken.

0:08:150:08:20

You're making the mental calculations in your head.

0:08:200:08:23

OK. We should be all right with the sausage rolls. They've just come out.

0:08:230:08:27

Not sure about the vol-au-vents and the quiche.

0:08:270:08:29

This guy's been really greedy, this guy.

0:08:290:08:32

Honestly, he better not eat too many of those quiche.

0:08:320:08:35

Well, we've obviously missed the mini beef wellingtons cos you...

0:08:350:08:39

But we're going to be all right with the ham and the cheese. And here they come now.

0:08:390:08:43

"So, anyway, anyway, school... Ooh!

0:08:430:08:45

"I didn't know there was going to be food!"

0:08:460:08:49

A lot of things have changed in the last 20 years.

0:08:570:09:00

Some of the older people in the room will be able to identify with what I'm about to tell you.

0:09:000:09:04

Getting your hair cut nowadays is very different from when I was a kid.

0:09:040:09:08

When I was a kid... Well, I grew up in a small Scottish village.

0:09:080:09:11

There was only one hairdresser and you'd go in on a Saturday morning

0:09:110:09:14

and get your hair cut by a woman with no formal training, right?

0:09:140:09:18

Just a pair of scissors and a dream.

0:09:200:09:22

And she would hack away at your head for an hour

0:09:280:09:30

and then give you some plasters and a lollipop.

0:09:300:09:33

And that was the way things were.

0:09:350:09:36

It's all changed now.

0:09:360:09:37

I went into a salon a couple of weeks ago and I said, "Can I get my hair cut?"

0:09:370:09:41

She said, "Well, we can fit you in right now."

0:09:410:09:44

I said, "That's fantastic."

0:09:440:09:46

She said, "Yeah, I just need you to fill out this form."

0:09:460:09:48

Why? Why am I filling out a form?

0:09:500:09:53

She said, "Well, I need to book the appointment."

0:09:530:09:56

"Ah, but we booked it. I'm here. I turned up."

0:09:560:09:59

She said, "No, but I still need to create a profile."

0:09:590:10:02

"But you don't. That's the great thing about it.

0:10:020:10:04

"You don't need to know anything about me.

0:10:040:10:06

"You don't need to know my name, my address.

0:10:060:10:09

"Has there been a history of hair in my family?

0:10:090:10:11

"You don't need to know.

0:10:110:10:13

"All you need to know is that this is too long.

0:10:130:10:16

"Snippy-snippy, cut-cut. This bit here.

0:10:160:10:19

"Snippy-snippy, cut-cut."

0:10:190:10:21

She said, "No, I still need you to fill out the form."

0:10:230:10:27

I said, "Give me the form."

0:10:270:10:29

Ten questions!

0:10:290:10:30

If you were to ask me to devise a questionnaire for someone who's about to get their hair cut,

0:10:300:10:36

I would struggle after two questions.

0:10:360:10:38

Number one: Do you have hair?

0:10:380:10:40

Number two: Do you need it cut?

0:10:410:10:43

Snippy-snippy, cut-cut.

0:10:450:10:47

Ten questions.

0:10:470:10:49

Question number one: How did you hear about our salon?

0:10:490:10:54

Everyone wants to know how you heard about them nowadays.

0:10:540:10:57

It's not enough that you're there. They want to know your source.

0:10:570:11:01

The worst one is East Coast trains.

0:11:010:11:04

Yeah? On their online booking form - always makes me laugh -

0:11:040:11:08

"How did you hear about our train service?"

0:11:080:11:11

What do you mean, how did I hear about it?

0:11:110:11:12

The Industrial Revolution, that's how I heard about it!

0:11:120:11:16

I seem to vaguely remember there's a train that goes from Edinburgh to London. Has that changed?

0:11:180:11:22

Do you think this is a revelation to me?

0:11:260:11:29

Do you think I'm flicking through a newspaper, just idly looking...

0:11:290:11:34

Oh! What the Dickens is this?

0:11:340:11:38

A train?

0:11:400:11:42

That goes from Edinburgh to London?

0:11:430:11:47

What witchcraft do you speak of?

0:11:470:11:49

Chester, prepare my horse!

0:11:500:11:52

To Waverley we must go, to debunk this myth!

0:11:530:11:56

How did you hear about our trains? And it's all options.

0:11:590:12:03

These are your options of how you heard about us.

0:12:030:12:06

The internet.

0:12:060:12:09

A friend.

0:12:090:12:12

Who's ticking that box?

0:12:120:12:14

A friend? Did a friend tell you about the train?

0:12:140:12:21

Was it a friend? Was it a friend? Was it?

0:12:210:12:24

Was it one of your friends? Was it?

0:12:240:12:26

Is it a friend that told you about the choo-choo, the train?

0:12:260:12:30

Who's ticking that? I don't even know how that conversation would go.

0:12:320:12:36

You're at a party, you know.

0:12:380:12:39

"Danny.

0:12:430:12:45

"Come here.

0:12:450:12:48

"Just come here.

0:12:510:12:53

"Walk with me, Danny. Walk with me.

0:12:530:12:55

"Danny, we've been friends a while, now.

0:13:010:13:03

"There's not a lot I don't tell you.

0:13:060:13:09

"Obviously some things I've been holding back.

0:13:090:13:12

"It seems now's the right time, as good a time as any, and...

0:13:130:13:15

"I know I should've told you this earlier, but, um...

0:13:170:13:21

"Danny, there's a train."

0:13:230:13:24

"A what?" "You heard."

0:13:290:13:32

"A metal horse, if you will.

0:13:320:13:34

"I know I should've told you earlier, I simply know it.

0:13:340:13:37

"But... Oh! I didn't know there was going to be food!

0:13:370:13:39

"Did you know there was...?"

0:13:390:13:41

I don't know.

0:13:490:13:50

I just don't like any of that,

0:13:520:13:54

any of that trying to gather information from of you all the time.

0:13:540:13:58

E-mail is the worst. I bought pants the other day. Pants.

0:13:580:14:01

And I got to the checkout and she said, "Is it just pants?"

0:14:010:14:04

I said, "Yes." She said, "What's your e-mail?"

0:14:040:14:06

I said, "No, just the pants." "Yeah, what's your e-mail?"

0:14:080:14:12

I'm buying pants!

0:14:130:14:15

What part of this transaction suggests to you that I think we should stay in touch?!

0:14:150:14:20

Otherwise I would've asked in the shop, wouldn't I?

0:14:220:14:24

"Excuse me, sir, these pants,

0:14:240:14:26

"do they come with any kind of ongoing internet support?

0:14:260:14:29

"Maybe some sort of lasting e-mail friendship?"

0:14:290:14:32

Don't like all that.

0:14:340:14:35

When you get to the checkout, that's it. That should be the end of it.

0:14:350:14:39

It's like, I bought a toaster the other day. £14.99. And I splashed out.

0:14:390:14:43

When I got there she said, "Do you want to take out an extended warranty on this?"

0:14:440:14:49

"Why?" She said, "Well, it's only covered for a year. And then you're on your own."

0:14:490:14:53

"Oh, I'll take my chances, thanks very much.

0:14:550:14:57

"I live life on the edge."

0:14:570:14:59

And then she said, "Well, it just gives you that extra peace of mind."

0:15:000:15:03

I think you have a very misconstrued idea of what I worry about.

0:15:040:15:07

Do you think I'm waking up, a year from now, in the middle of the night, sweating?

0:15:090:15:12

"That toaster could go at any moment.

0:15:140:15:16

"You can't live like this, Danny, you are a fool to yourself.

0:15:160:15:19

"Take out the warranty, man!

0:15:190:15:21

"And that blender has only got another week!"

0:15:240:15:27

Anyway, look, let's just get back to the...

0:15:290:15:33

I'm in the hairdresser, right?

0:15:330:15:35

Question number six:

0:15:370:15:39

On a scale of one to ten, how dry can your hair get?

0:15:390:15:44

Ten.

0:15:500:15:51

Completely.

0:15:520:15:53

Look, it's dry all the time. That's the default position of my hair.

0:15:560:16:00

I didn't know there was an international standard index for dryness.

0:16:000:16:04

Ten is the answer. It's always ten.

0:16:040:16:06

Except when I have a shower. Then we go to one.

0:16:060:16:09

But I wasn't aware of stages two to nine at all.

0:16:110:16:14

I've never used them.

0:16:140:16:15

I've never said to my friends, "Aye, guys, you go on to the pub.

0:16:150:16:18

"I'm at five at the moment, I'll give it another ten minutes. See you there."

0:16:180:16:22

Final question: What do you want to achieve...

0:16:250:16:29

..with your hair today?

0:16:320:16:34

It's a tough, tough question, that.

0:16:380:16:41

So many things.

0:16:410:16:43

But after much thought, I thought, you've got to be responsible, Danny.

0:16:450:16:49

So I wrote, "An end to the escalating tension and violence in the Middle East."

0:16:490:16:55

Can we snippy-snippy, cut-cut?

0:16:580:17:01

And then, finally...when I thought I was finally going to

0:17:040:17:08

get my hair cut, she said, "Now just one other question - do you want me

0:17:080:17:11

"to create an e-mail alert for the next time your haircut is due?"

0:17:110:17:15

"No! I'm a proper grown-up!

0:17:160:17:20

"I've been dealing with this problem for years.

0:17:200:17:23

"I've got an e-mail alert, it's in my bathroom, it's called a mirror!

0:17:230:17:26

"I walk by it, it's old school but it seems to work."

0:17:280:17:31

"And how do you know?"

0:17:310:17:33

"How could you, not living with my hair, not seeing my hair...

0:17:330:17:37

"possibly know when my next haircut is due?

0:17:370:17:39

"Even at an estimate?

0:17:390:17:41

"Everyone is different, every human being's hair grows at different speeds,

0:17:410:17:44

"at different lengths... How could you possibly know?"

0:17:440:17:47

But I wish I hadn't said that.

0:17:480:17:50

Embrace the irrationality.

0:17:520:17:54

What I wish I'd said is - "That's a great idea."

0:17:540:17:57

And then I wish I'd gone home and got extensions down to my knees...

0:17:580:18:04

And two days later, walked back into that salon...

0:18:060:18:09

And just gone... "What the f...?!

0:18:120:18:14

"Where was my e-mail?!"

0:18:160:18:18

Folks...

0:18:250:18:27

you have an exceptional show ahead of you, Apollo.

0:18:270:18:30

This is really a brilliant bill, are you ready for your first act?

0:18:300:18:33

AUDIENCE: YES!

0:18:330:18:35

He's one of my personal favourites, I know you're going to love him,

0:18:350:18:38

go absolutely wild and crazy for Mr Miles Jupp!

0:18:380:18:41

Hello!

0:18:530:18:54

Oh, Hammersmith, how very delightful, um,

0:18:540:18:58

you probably all recognise me as the waiter who had

0:18:580:19:01

all of his lines cut from the first Sherlock Holmes film.

0:19:010:19:03

And then didn't find out until the premiere.

0:19:050:19:08

Nonetheless, it was a portrayal that has since revolutionised the way everyone

0:19:110:19:14

acts in period detective fiction, when they've got nothing to say.

0:19:140:19:18

Now, um, I've arrived here tonight, as I suspect you have,

0:19:190:19:23

as I arrive everywhere I arrive in London - furious.

0:19:230:19:25

I mean, you can all see how angry I am.

0:19:280:19:30

A very angry man.

0:19:320:19:33

Whenever I'm trying to get anywhere in London, I get angry.

0:19:330:19:36

If I'm on a bus that's late or a Tube that seems to stop

0:19:360:19:38

without any explanation, or there's just a traffic jam.

0:19:380:19:41

I always get angry and I always blame the same person.

0:19:410:19:44

I don't even know if it's fair, but I always blame Boris.

0:19:440:19:48

Anything that goes wrong when I'm out and about in London, I blame Boris.

0:19:490:19:52

I blame him for roadworks, even if you hear that there's somebody under a train, you think,

0:19:520:19:56

"I presume that Boris was just cycling carelessly past a Tube station...and hit someone.

0:19:560:20:01

"They've gone over the barriers, down the escalators and onto the track."

0:20:010:20:06

I will happily blame that man for anything. I mean,

0:20:070:20:10

I just, honestly... I just don't understand what he does.

0:20:100:20:13

What does Boris actually do? He always looks absolutely shattered!

0:20:130:20:18

Always looks as if he's just come round from a general anaesthetic.

0:20:210:20:25

Do you ever find yourself looking at a picture of Boris and thinking,

0:20:260:20:29

"There's something not quite right there, there's something that's missing.

0:20:290:20:33

"What's wrong about this picture? Oh, yeah."

0:20:330:20:35

I'll tell you what it is. It's the fact that he's not wearing pyjamas.

0:20:350:20:38

If Boris Johnson only ever appeared in public in pyjamas,

0:20:420:20:46

he would finally make sense...as a person.

0:20:460:20:50

Outpatient chic.

0:20:500:20:52

Now let me just say this to you, Hammersmith, I have, I have four children.

0:20:550:21:01

Four Children. The oldest of whom is four.

0:21:010:21:04

By all means, do the maths, I've done it myself on...

0:21:060:21:09

..four occasions.

0:21:100:21:12

I have four, four children.

0:21:120:21:14

I don't say four so that you can congratulate me

0:21:140:21:16

or commiserate with me.

0:21:160:21:18

I don't say it because I've gone mad and have forgotten what all the other numbers are.

0:21:180:21:23

How many sugars do you want with your tea? Four.

0:21:230:21:25

How many legs should a pair of trousers have? Four! How are you? Four!

0:21:250:21:29

I say it merely, merely just so you can understand just where it is that I'm

0:21:290:21:33

coming from when I stagger out here, onto this stage tonight.

0:21:330:21:39

I'm not really in a position to do groovy, young material

0:21:390:21:42

about me and my Canadian flatmate snorting cocaine

0:21:420:21:46

together off the back of a shared prostitute.

0:21:460:21:48

I do not live in a flat.

0:21:510:21:53

And er, nor...nor do I consort with Canadians.

0:21:540:21:59

I've got absolutely nothing against them in principle,

0:22:010:22:04

they've got as much right to be here as anybody,

0:22:040:22:06

and, er, whatever it is they do, they seem to do it quietly.

0:22:060:22:09

I'm cut off - I, really... I'm incredibly cut off.

0:22:130:22:16

I've got about seven friends... I am not on any social networks.

0:22:160:22:22

Other than, other than, ha, other than Myspace.

0:22:220:22:25

Which is still there holding a torch...

0:22:280:22:31

Myspace which I joined in 2006,

0:22:310:22:34

presumably long after it ceased to be useful or fashionable.

0:22:340:22:38

And I am seemingly completely incapable of leaving it.

0:22:380:22:42

I would love to not be on Myspace any more,

0:22:420:22:45

I can't work out how to get off the bloody thing.

0:22:450:22:47

They have made it completely impossible.

0:22:470:22:49

It would be easier for me to enter North Korea...

0:22:490:22:52

..dressed in my "Kim Jong-un Is A Bit Of A Penis" T-shirt...

0:22:530:22:56

..than it would be to leave Myspace. It would be easier

0:22:580:23:01

for Julian Assange to skip through the front door

0:23:010:23:03

of the Ecuadorian Embassy to go and buy memory sticks...

0:23:030:23:06

..than it would be for me to leave Myspace.

0:23:100:23:12

Honestly, I really am cut off. I mean, the lives...

0:23:120:23:15

The lives that other people lead.

0:23:150:23:18

Look at yourselves, for instance, you are having an evening out!

0:23:180:23:21

Admittedly, it's in Hammersmith, but nonetheless it's an evening out.

0:23:210:23:26

That is absolutely unthinkable to my wife and I.

0:23:260:23:30

You know the way in magazines they Photoshop people so they look

0:23:300:23:33

perfect and you end up feeling envious

0:23:330:23:35

of what is a completely unrealistic ideal?

0:23:350:23:38

That is how I feel about pretty much anything

0:23:380:23:41

I see or hear about other people's lives.

0:23:410:23:45

"You did what? You nipped out for milk?!

0:23:450:23:47

"What, on your own?!

0:23:480:23:51

"Aren't you Bear Grylls!"

0:23:510:23:52

Just listening to what my childless, unmarried friends get up to, makes me feel

0:23:550:23:59

like an Iranian housewife reading a biography of Paris Hilton.

0:23:590:24:02

Honestly, if someone tells me they have been out for the evening,

0:24:060:24:09

had a drink in two different pubs and a meal at the Spaghetti House...

0:24:090:24:12

Honestly, they might as well be telling me that they have been flown privately

0:24:120:24:15

to St Tropez to eat lobster off the hot, naked belly of Claudia Schiffer.

0:24:150:24:21

Is she still a thing?

0:24:220:24:23

Clearly, I've not felt the need to update my sexual desires since about 1996.

0:24:280:24:32

If then...

0:24:340:24:35

I know a lot of people think you shouldn't really

0:24:360:24:39

mention your children in your stand-up.

0:24:390:24:41

As far as I am concerned, those are just the ridiculous views

0:24:410:24:43

of the unfortunate.

0:24:430:24:45

It is not possible to not mention them.

0:24:450:24:47

Once you have got the little creatures,

0:24:470:24:49

they are completely all-encompassing...

0:24:490:24:51

They inform every single aspect of your life.

0:24:510:24:54

If you, if you were to try and describe what having young children makes you feel

0:24:540:24:57

like without actually mentioning the children themselves, it would sound as if

0:24:570:25:01

you were just describing the symptoms of a horrific depression.

0:25:010:25:04

So many things about having children nobody ever thought to tell me, no-one told me.

0:25:080:25:12

I had no idea that once I had children, I would spend an absolute age sitting

0:25:120:25:16

on Tube platforms letting train after train go past, just so that

0:25:160:25:20

I could afford to spend more quality time sitting with my head in my hands.

0:25:200:25:24

If just one of the people that lives in your house is a baby, you instantly...

0:25:270:25:32

you just lose all sense, immediately, of what is and is not appropriate behaviour.

0:25:320:25:37

I remember, when my oldest child was only about three days' old,

0:25:370:25:40

bumping into my bleary-eyed wife on the landing and she said,

0:25:400:25:42

"I've just had a bowl of cornflakes on the lavatory."

0:25:420:25:46

Just from nowhere. Within a matter of days we'd been reduced to the

0:25:470:25:52

state of, if not animals, then, undergraduates.

0:25:520:25:55

It's terrifying, it doesn't matter how you've lived your life up

0:25:570:26:00

till that point, how tidy you've tried to be,

0:26:000:26:02

how sophisticated. Suddenly you've got one of those in the house, that's it!

0:26:020:26:05

It's all gone! The place, it's just suddenly awash with mystery fluid...

0:26:050:26:09

There's so much faecal matter suddenly dotted and strewn about where you live.

0:26:120:26:16

I mean, you become completely numb to the stuff, just horrifyingly blase.

0:26:160:26:23

You can stand there looking at something that's been done on your

0:26:230:26:26

own bed and think,

0:26:260:26:28

"Well, we don't need to change the sheets for that!

0:26:280:26:31

"It's only a small turd, isn't it?

0:26:320:26:35

"It's hardly worth wasting a flush, is it?

0:26:370:26:39

"Pop it in the wastepaper basket... Stick a crisp packet over it."

0:26:420:26:47

When I was little, I wanted to be a stuntman,

0:26:500:26:53

I wanted to be a skateboarder, an astronaut,

0:26:530:26:55

I wanted to be in a remake of The A-Team.

0:26:550:26:57

All I want to do now is to sit in a comfortable armchair

0:26:570:27:00

in a darkened room and just breathe.

0:27:000:27:03

Everything else has gone by the wayside.

0:27:060:27:09

Having seen the A-Team remake,

0:27:090:27:12

I have at least dodged one bullet.

0:27:120:27:14

You know, I've learnt so much from them, right? Until I had children,

0:27:160:27:19

for instance, I had absolutely no idea that there is

0:27:190:27:22

no stronger substance known to man than Weetabix and milk once it has dried.

0:27:220:27:27

That stuff is absolutely astonishing, isn't it?

0:27:290:27:33

It is beyond Araldite...you know, you can mend shoes with it,

0:27:330:27:37

bridges, possibly.

0:27:370:27:38

I mean, they are very keen to learn, always firing questions at me -

0:27:400:27:43

"Where do babies come from?"

0:27:430:27:45

Absolutely no idea, seemingly no way of stopping it.

0:27:450:27:48

Can't work out what the hell is going on down there.

0:27:500:27:53

Honestly, I have absolutely no control over them whatsoever.

0:27:530:27:57

In about four and a bit years I have accrued, I think it is fair to say,

0:27:570:28:00

no parenting skills whatsoever.

0:28:000:28:04

They give me the total runaround.

0:28:040:28:05

Some people say it is like herding cats. It's worse.

0:28:050:28:07

It is like trying to get a Hewlett-Packard printer

0:28:070:28:10

to work. I mean, you've paid out all

0:28:100:28:12

this money and it doesn't do a single bloody thing you ask it to.

0:28:120:28:16

It's a complete nightmare.

0:28:160:28:17

They give me the total, total runaround.

0:28:170:28:19

All-day long they leave me on the very brink of sanity, so at

0:28:190:28:23

the end of the day, when I could not be more shattered, more exhausted,

0:28:230:28:26

more stressed - that is when I have to leave the house and come out to work.

0:28:260:28:31

All to fund the milk-saturated lifestyle of my infant captors.

0:28:310:28:35

I mean, I would do anything for them, of course I would...

0:28:390:28:42

Absolutely anything, that is what being a parent is.

0:28:420:28:44

Being a parent is essentially having Stockholm syndrome.

0:28:440:28:47

Just hopelessly in love with the very people holding you hostage.

0:28:510:28:55

I mean, I have had to change the way I live my life, of course

0:28:570:29:00

I have. I've had to calm down. I'm sure you can all remember the old rock'n'roll me.

0:29:000:29:04

I was a bit crazy for a while back there.

0:29:060:29:09

Well, I certainly used to read more.

0:29:090:29:11

People whose friends have had children, they look at them and sometimes go,

0:29:150:29:18

"God, they've really changed, haven't they?

0:29:180:29:21

"They've really mellowed." They haven't mellowed, they are broken!

0:29:210:29:25

"Oh, he's really calmed down, hasn't he? He used to be so ambitious.

0:29:270:29:30

"He's much calmer now, that's a relief."

0:29:300:29:31

Of course he's not ambitious any more, there's simply no

0:29:310:29:34

point in being ambitious any more.

0:29:340:29:36

What is the point of dreaming about Hollywood

0:29:360:29:39

if you can't even finish your bloody muesli before lunchtime?

0:29:390:29:43

It is not possible to finish your muesli before lunchtime now,

0:29:430:29:46

because the entire morning just consists of being interrupted.

0:29:460:29:50

When you've got that many young children charging about the place,

0:29:500:29:53

you get interrupted so often that eventually the interruptions

0:29:530:29:56

themselves start getting interrupted.

0:29:560:29:59

Desperately trying to clean all the milk off the floor after breakfast,

0:30:000:30:03

so all the food that hits it at lunchtime doesn't splash.

0:30:030:30:06

And then someone opens up the freezer and gets a bag of peas out

0:30:060:30:09

and starts spilling them all over the floor...

0:30:090:30:12

I'm desperately trying to sweep them up.

0:30:120:30:14

And then someone ominously shouts, "I'm painting", from the hallway.

0:30:140:30:17

Run out there and find they've got hold of a loo brush

0:30:180:30:21

and are just rubbing it against the wall.

0:30:210:30:23

"It is a quarter to six in the morning!"

0:30:240:30:27

Well, ladies and gentlemen, haven't I got myself worked up

0:30:300:30:33

into yet another state?

0:30:330:30:34

I do wonder, in retrospect,

0:30:360:30:38

if I haven't slightly underplayed the work that our nanny does...

0:30:380:30:41

Well, hey-ho.

0:30:450:30:47

Hammersmith, aren't you lovely? God bless, good night.

0:30:470:30:51

LOUD CHEERING

0:30:510:30:53

Miles Jupp, everyone!

0:30:550:30:58

OK, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your final act?

0:31:010:31:04

CHEERING

0:31:040:31:07

He's absolutely brilliant.

0:31:070:31:08

Please welcome the one and only Mr Lee Nelson!

0:31:080:31:11

Good Evening, Apollo.

0:31:210:31:24

Yes! Oh, people, I've had such a nice day today,

0:31:250:31:30

it was my little boy's sixth birthday.

0:31:300:31:33

Yeah!

0:31:330:31:35

We don't have a lot of money, so, we, uh, didn't tell him.

0:31:350:31:38

It is hard being a parent, people, mums!

0:31:410:31:44

Especially mums, my poor missus!

0:31:440:31:47

She's always looking in the mirror, "Oh, my gosh,

0:31:470:31:50

"my body ain't what like it was before the kids come along."

0:31:500:31:54

I say, "Baaabes, you're being so silly!

0:31:540:31:58

"You weren't all that before."

0:31:580:32:01

Ah, people, it has been a tough few weeks for me, people,

0:32:050:32:09

my grandad passed away about six weeks ago, now.

0:32:090:32:13

Yeah, thank you, man, I have been feeling well bad.

0:32:130:32:17

It was me that took him to Alton Towers.

0:32:170:32:20

And he ended up having a heart attack

0:32:230:32:26

and actually passing away on the Nemesis ride.

0:32:260:32:30

But...at least we've got a photo of him...JUST before he died.

0:32:320:32:36

Well, we would have - 12 quid... Sod that, right?

0:32:380:32:40

You know what is proper interesting, I have started looking into my

0:32:400:32:44

family tree, since my grandad passed away, and it is really interesting,

0:32:440:32:48

you know, because things were so different back in the olden times.

0:32:480:32:51

It's a bit of a history lesson.

0:32:510:32:53

I found out my great-great-great-grandma

0:32:530:32:58

had 13 children.

0:32:580:33:00

Now, that wouldn't happen nowadays, would it?

0:33:000:33:02

I wanted to know why... I looked into it, I done some research.

0:33:020:33:05

I found out the reason was, apparently, yeah...

0:33:050:33:07

she was a massive slag.

0:33:070:33:09

My dog passed away last weekend, so, yeah, that's been really difficult,

0:33:150:33:21

especially for my little boy.

0:33:210:33:23

Like, I sat him down, I tried to explain it all to him

0:33:230:33:27

but he is only six, he can't properly get his head around the whole thing...

0:33:270:33:31

and I just ended up making him cry.

0:33:310:33:34

I says, "I'm so sorry, but Benson's passed away."

0:33:340:33:39

"Why, Daddy, why?"

0:33:390:33:41

"When you get to that age, it just happens."

0:33:410:33:44

"How old was he?"

0:33:440:33:45

"He was seven."

0:33:450:33:47

You know, when you have a kid it can affect the whole relationship,

0:33:510:33:55

to be honest with you.

0:33:550:33:57

You know, since the kids, she ain't in the mood -

0:33:570:33:59

"Not tonight, I've got a bit of a headache."

0:33:590:34:02

Had a bit of a breakthrough a few nights ago, actually, people, yeahhhh.

0:34:020:34:05

Things happened, innit.

0:34:050:34:07

HE CHUCKLES

0:34:070:34:08

What I done, lads, I put a note on her pillow, yeah...

0:34:080:34:13

It was a fiver.

0:34:130:34:15

As a dad, it changes the way you look at everything, to be honest

0:34:180:34:22

with you, you know?

0:34:220:34:23

I started, like, thinking, "There's too much fighting

0:34:230:34:26

"going on in the world, you know?"

0:34:260:34:29

Do you realise this country has been at war with Iraq, with Afghanistan,

0:34:290:34:33

even Argentina?!

0:34:330:34:35

Argentina, man! We're fighting them

0:34:350:34:38

over some crappy bit of land no-one really cares about.

0:34:380:34:40

Let's just give them back Scotland!

0:34:400:34:43

Have we got any Scottyland legends in here?

0:34:450:34:47

Scottyland legends? Give us a cheer.

0:34:470:34:49

CHEERING

0:34:490:34:50

I was well surprised by that referendum result,

0:34:500:34:53

I have never known Scottish women to say no.

0:34:530:34:56

Is you really a separate country? Not really, innit.

0:35:010:35:05

All right, you have got your own currency, the, er,

0:35:050:35:07

the poond.

0:35:070:35:09

All right, to be fair, there is some cultural differences, innit?

0:35:120:35:15

It is... All right, the weather.

0:35:150:35:17

It is a lot hotter in England than it is in Scottyland.

0:35:170:35:21

Yeah, that's true!

0:35:210:35:22

And a lot of Scottish people came down to England from Glasgow

0:35:220:35:25

or whatever, and think they're going to fit in.

0:35:250:35:27

And actually find it too hot here. Yeah! I know!

0:35:270:35:30

And they end up sleeping outside!

0:35:300:35:32

I think Scottish people are just a little bit angry.

0:35:380:35:41

That was what was going on with the Scottish people,

0:35:410:35:43

they was angry, because Scottish people used to be the

0:35:430:35:46

top foreign people in England, and then the Polish people came along.

0:35:460:35:51

And the Polish people work harder, they drink more,

0:35:530:35:57

they speak better English!

0:35:570:35:59

It's just north-south banter, innit?

0:36:060:36:08

Have we got people from the North of England here tonight? Give us a cheer,

0:36:080:36:11

Northern England people.

0:36:110:36:13

-CHEERING

-Whereabouts are you from, sweetie pie?

0:36:130:36:16

-Manchester.

-"Manchester"! We talk so different, I love that, innit!

0:36:160:36:19

Down south, how do we talk, innit, what do we say?

0:36:190:36:22

Like. "Bath", innit, "Baath." That's how we talk.

0:36:220:36:25

Baath. "I'm going to wash myself in the baath."

0:36:250:36:29

In Manchester, they say, "Sod it, let's just go for a drink!"

0:36:290:36:33

Have we got Scousers in the house tonight? Scousers?

0:36:350:36:38

CHEERING

0:36:380:36:39

Loads of Scousers! Now, Liverpool properly does have a different language.

0:36:390:36:43

Scouser people, tell everyone here what boss means in Liverpool.

0:36:430:36:47

Where's a Scouser?

0:36:470:36:48

What's that, geez?

0:36:480:36:50

AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTS OUT

0:36:500:36:51

It's good, innit? Yeah, that's amazing.

0:36:510:36:53

In Liverpool, boss means good!

0:36:530:36:56

The rest of the country, boss means the fella at work,

0:36:560:36:59

but in Liverpool they just don't have no use for that normal meaning.

0:36:590:37:02

Go all over the UK, people, travel around, check it all out.

0:37:080:37:11

I was in the Midlands the other day, went to Wolverhampton!

0:37:110:37:14

Ah, you've got to go to Wolverhampton, man.

0:37:140:37:17

Really puts your own problems in perspective.

0:37:170:37:19

I think that British people... We've got the best

0:37:240:37:27

sense of humour in the world, that is how I feel about it.

0:37:270:37:30

You know who has got the worst sense of humour?

0:37:300:37:32

Oh, the Taliban.

0:37:320:37:33

Are any Taliban in tonight?

0:37:360:37:37

They hate Live At The Apollo, man!

0:37:390:37:43

I like British people, they are nice and calm, innit.

0:37:430:37:45

Nice and chilled. Unlike the Americans...

0:37:450:37:48

Oh, everywhere they go -

0:37:480:37:49

"Woooooooo!

0:37:490:37:51

"Wooooo!"

0:37:510:37:53

That's the confidence you get when you carry a gun!

0:37:530:37:56

Takes British people three lines of cocaine to get to that level,

0:37:580:38:01

innit, lads?

0:38:010:38:03

I think that we are actually copying what America does...a little

0:38:050:38:09

bit too much.

0:38:090:38:11

I mean, the obesity statistics is frightening.

0:38:110:38:14

I saw a documentary about it the other day - they reckon

0:38:140:38:17

by 2030 you will have a 15% chance of surviving if a girl goes on top.

0:38:170:38:24

He's worried. Geez, innit? No need to be, mate.

0:38:320:38:36

If you can't see, he's ginger.

0:38:400:38:42

Do you remember before we copied the American coffee shops?

0:38:480:38:52

We just used to have British caffs.

0:38:520:38:55

You would go in, "Excuse me,

0:38:550:38:56

"can I have a coffee?" "Yeah - here you go." Job done.

0:38:560:38:59

Went to a Starbucks the other day... Oh, my days!

0:39:000:39:04

"What would you like?

0:39:040:39:05

"An Americano, a cappuccino, frappucino, mochacino,

0:39:050:39:09

"skinny white, flat white, grande, venti..."

0:39:090:39:12

"Sweetie pie, I have got to stop you there...

0:39:120:39:15

"I just need a poo.

0:39:150:39:17

"And the Wi-Fi code, yeah?"

0:39:230:39:25

No, man, I like, I like what's going on in this country,

0:39:290:39:34

I'm proud of this country, we got the royal family, innit!

0:39:340:39:37

Yeah, we got another royal baby coming!

0:39:370:39:39

I really hope this one's black.

0:39:390:39:41

I like the mix of the different people we get in the UK.

0:39:460:39:50

I don't agree with Ukip - Ukip say we've got too many

0:39:500:39:54

foreigners in this country.

0:39:540:39:56

I done a bit of research of my own, and the fact is,

0:39:560:39:59

there's actually a lot more foreigners in other countries.

0:39:590:40:03

I agree with Ukip on the euro, I don't think we should get the euro.

0:40:080:40:11

I think that'd be bad for business - I mean, Poundland's buggered.

0:40:110:40:15

I think we got it pretty good in the UK, is what I think.

0:40:180:40:21

But people still love to complain, innit. "Are you all right?"

0:40:210:40:25

"Naaah!" "What's wrong?"

0:40:250:40:27

"My phone battery died."

0:40:270:40:30

"Are you all right?" "Naaah, I'm well stressed about what I'm going to wear."

0:40:300:40:34

"Are you all right?"

0:40:340:40:35

"Naah, I've got, like, irritable bowels."

0:40:350:40:37

What?

0:40:370:40:39

Do you think people complain about them sorts of things

0:40:390:40:42

in countries where they don't have everything that we does?

0:40:420:40:45

I mean, can you imagine the Children in Need appeal?

0:40:450:40:47

I mean you got scenes all across Africa,

0:40:470:40:50

you got the cheesy charity music in the background,

0:40:500:40:53

you got Dean Gaffney looking emotional down the camera.

0:40:530:40:57

Got an African child next to him.

0:40:580:41:01

HE SNIFFS

0:41:010:41:03

"Mbasi is just 12 years of age."

0:41:030:41:07

CHEESY PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

0:41:070:41:09

"Mbasi is just another victim here in Africa.

0:41:100:41:13

"Mbasi needs your 'elp.

0:41:130:41:16

"Mbasi...is gluten intolerant!

0:41:170:41:21

"And if he attempts to eat rice or bread or certain types of muesli...

0:41:230:41:28

"..he gets a slightly bloated feeling in his tummy!

0:41:290:41:31

"Please, give generously.

0:41:330:41:35

"£2 will allow Mbasi to buy some gluten-free hummus.

0:41:350:41:39

"£5 will allow him to have the time he needs to regularly

0:41:410:41:43

"tweet about his condition.

0:41:430:41:45

"And £20 will mean Mbasi can make

0:41:470:41:50

"the life-changing visit he needs...

0:41:500:41:52

"to Holland & Barrett."

0:41:520:41:54

I've got to get going, I got to get out of here, yeah, I'm proper knackered, man.

0:42:040:42:08

When you have a kid, kiss goodbye to sleep, that is for sure, people.

0:42:080:42:13

Last night, about four in the morning, I'm spark out in my bed,

0:42:130:42:17

I'm in there.

0:42:170:42:19

Little boy comes into me room.

0:42:210:42:23

"Daddy.

0:42:240:42:26

"Daddy.

0:42:260:42:28

"Daddy!"

0:42:280:42:30

"Yeah?" "Can I come and sleep in your bed?

0:42:310:42:33

"I've wet my bed."

0:42:330:42:35

"Yeah, course you can, in you come.

0:42:350:42:38

"Now, I warn you, I've had too much to drink

0:42:380:42:40

"and I've done the same myself."

0:42:400:42:42

People, I've been Lee Nelson, you've been a bunch of legends.

0:42:440:42:47

Thank you, and good night!

0:42:470:42:49

Mr Lee Nelson!

0:42:560:42:58

Ladies and gentlemen,

0:43:020:43:03

please, give it up for the two acts you saw this evening.

0:43:030:43:05

You saw the wonderful Miles Jupp!

0:43:050:43:07

And the very brilliant Mr Lee Nelson!

0:43:120:43:15

You've been a fantastic audience, thanks so much for coming out.

0:43:180:43:20

I'll see you all again sometime, I've been Danny Bhoy, good night!

0:43:200:43:23

Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS